Round 5 – Collingwood Vs Essendon
Fred has asked me and Richard to be this websites football correspondence, on top of being the in-house rock jurno. As a kid I always wanted to be Mike Sheahan, i wanted to do his top 50 twice a year and all that in the Hun. Then I realized his top 50s where rubbish and his chat show on FOX is the football version of 60 Minutes, so whatever the anti Mike Sheahan is thats what I want to be. Now being a mad pies fan Fred has roped in two other fanatical fans. So if you/re expecting some fair and balanced assessment of the game and results, your reading the wrong blog son. So basically this will be me reviewing every Pies game and the surroundings of whats happening during the game. Please dont expect any fair and balanced reporting. We use nicknames for a lot of the players which I will use on this blog, so heres a list of players and nicknames just to get the formalities out the way.
Nathan Buckley – Shoehorn/Bucks
Alex Fasolo – Faz
Jordan De Goey –The Gooster
Bordie Grundy – The Samurai/the Barista
Jamie Elliott – Billy Elliot
Tyson Goldsack –The Sack/Flop
Adam Treloar – Brownlow
Scott Pendelbury – Matrix
Jarryd Blair- Bilbo/Smallest man in Football
Lynden Dunn- Twiggy
Callum Brown – Son of Rowdy
Tom Phillips Screwdriver
Will Hoskin-Elliott –Hyphen
Brayden Maynard – Maynard G Crabs
The usually Collingwood quorum consists of Me Fred my host on this website and Pete our CEO who I report too. People come and go. Jackie, Rob, Sean and Garry ave all ben part of the group and whichever opposition fans can put up with us for more than 15 minutes. Not cause we/re feral or anything like that, it’ the clip claps.
When I first joined the group, I was not told there was a procedure that happens after every goal. First we high five, then we click our fingers. But now this season we ave a new features. A cha cha cha. Where we bang the table or clap ourselves. Originally the cha cha cha was meant to be our own thing but we usually just go banging the table. Some players ave their own move if they score, the Hyphen we bang elbows, Billy Elliot we dance, bottoms are involved for Sidebottom, the only bloke with a Carry On name. Since where starting at round four, FIVE a quick summary of the first FOUR rounds
Round one was the usual disappointment against the Hawks. I don/t want to get depressed so early so i/ll leave that summary there.
Round two was a solid effort but we didn/t get the points so was a poor result, considering we were winning at one stage in the final quarter. One good thing was that me Fred and Pete were together at our living room in the Balaclava. Watching the game for the first time this year. It was the same story as the last few years, so close but aint good enough, and the commentators keep saying its an admiral loss, which im sick of hearing. The highlight was when Jason Dunstall said its anyone game at half time when it was five points the margin. Chief, there could be thirty seconds to go and it still would be anyones game.
Round three was more like it. Finally a win. And against the blue baggers. Made the win even sweeter. This time Gordon of Hanksaw fame joined us. The clip claps were in fine form. A nice lady who works at the Balaclava came out and said she liked it better when we were losing. She was so mystified she grabbed St Kildas best barman Mad Rad to see our shenanigans. The Hyphen played a fantastic game. Then I saw on Saturday the Pies twos smashed the Blues twos the next day. Billy Elliot kicked five. We need him back, mostly as we can dance after a Billy goal.
Round four was an outstanding effort, beating the crows on the road and by eight goals, and the story was five goals to Jaidyn Stephens in only his second game of seniors
So on to ANZAC Day. Always a big day and for the most part its either been a ripping game of football or one side makes a statement. I remember me dad taking me to the pool on the first ANZAC Game between the pies and the Dons in 1995 when I was six. My dad screamed at the radio as our margin kept decreasing as time in the last quarter. My hero Sav Rocca put on a clinic kicking 9, but the game ended in a draw. Despite where either team is on the ladder both teams seem to bring there A game. ANZAC Day highlights ave included Wee Mans goal in the dying stages of the 2014 game to give us the win, and Big Cox, Mason that is, being blooded in 2016. Bruce Mcavaney inn todays coverage mentions how Cox has been the best experiment in football since Jim Stynes. Really? Don’t remember Tadhg Kennelly? Bloke played in a flag for fuck sake. Theres gonna be plenty of commentary on the commentary.
For this once again the quorum is myself, Fred Pete and Gordon, and GG, Waz and Ange are with us. Waz despite being a Saints man is cheering GO DONS, for fans of professional wresting hes playing the heel role today. Collingwood royalty Nat Mcguane is in the front bar. The “best” of the 80s is playing loudly on the radio as we focus on the game, it takes GGs arrival and trying to find Linda that we finally get rid of the tunes, also we ave to move the table three times for latecomers, myself being one of them, im sure this is the same pressure and frustration that AFL players feel every time they take the field. . So at 3:20PM, the ball is bounced, well not this time.
We are given a free kick to start proceedings. Best way to start the game, unfortunately a rushed behind is the result. Ben Reid makes thirty meters out a minute later. The angle aint a problem yet he still hits the post. Bucks drops is phone as to day I could ave hit that. Essendon capitalize and kick a goal straight away and another five minutes later. The last six-eight minutes has been all the Dons and the Pies need a goal fast. Enter my man the Hyphen. Ripping goal from the great man, we hi five, we click, we bang elbows and we cha cha cha and we/re on our way6. The Gooster playing his second game back from suspension kicks his first and the Pies hit the front briefly. Another goal to the Dons but two rippers from the man with a Carry ON name Sidebottom gives us the lead going into the first break. The second was one of his best, a brilliant snap after aving thought the ball either hit the post or went over for a behind. An Essendon player moaned it was touched, but it aint. He then tried to kick in but wasn/t til he saw the screen that it been paid a goal. Flog, but he wasn/t the biggest Essendon flog this day. Going into the main break it’s the Pies 45 to 28. The Bombers only managed one goal, but it took us ten minutes to kick a major. The Bombers are still in it but not because their playing well, because we/ve kick poorly and aint converted. So many goo players, Brownlow, the Hyphen Matrix and the big Cox ave all done well.
Brendon Godard is making a right twat of himself All good to give your players a spray if your underperforming, but when you/ve had a quiet day and the players aint taking it too well you just look like a wanker. As pointed out he was probably screaming I should be captain, or that wouldn/t ave happened if I was captain. GG then mentions the unforgettable scene where he hit the lollies off the tables when he played his 300th game. I thought it was lollies, but GG says pretzels. Jon Ralph at the end of the coverage says who could forget pretzel gate. I could be wrong but I swear it was lollies. For the record Pete says he likes pretzels while Fred says nay.
Third quarter starts with more brilliance. Stephenson and big Cox goal, while Stringer and Daniher miss easy shots. Its looking harder for the Bombers to come back from here. Bruce says the Bombers forward line is like the Bermuda Triangle. I find that a weird analogy considering none of the Essendon forward line has disappeared. Bruce also does something where he says the same word three times in a row. When the Dons kicked it out on the full he says no no no. As if we didn/t hear it the first time. Highlight was when Leigh Matthews say scores are doubled when the pies where 63 and Essendon where 33. Other commentary things to take note are calling Andrew McGrath the package. He had a good five minutes and stopped. The Package is damaged good. The other line that mystified the table was saying the Pies escorted the ball to the other end of the ground. In all my years of watching football ive never heard that. Is it a Grey St escort? Stupid line.
Fourth quarter was more the same. Pies kicked goals, Essendon didn/t Goddard is a twat/ And Pies are fifth after the win. Lifes pretty sweet right now. Sidebottom The hyphen and Big Cox all ave solid final quarters. Gonna be hard to award the medal.
Siren sounded and its the pies by 49.
Brownlow is most deserving of the ANZAC Medal, but a few others on the field could lay claim to it. Reminds me of when Ben Johnson won many years back and he was announced as Craig Johnson. Godard should get a reward for all his whinging, a trip to the twos maybe? And also a top game from Scott Pendelbury, Mike Sheahan, my nemesis said at the start of the year that Scott is no longer an A Grade player. Hes played three good games in a row and still in top form, so Mike, fuck you and the horse you road in on. Stick to hosting a football chat show and not asking football questions..
A top win by the Pies. The second half of the year looks pretty good draw wise, but the next five games are crucial. The Defending champs next week will be a big test to see where we/re at. Also Saints and Lions to come. They should be Ws next to our names for those games yet in the past these are games we dropped so we cant afford to drop em if we are gonna ave a run at September. Its taken almost 60 rounds but the Pies are in the 8. AND IM LOVING IT. Lets see if we can go for a fourpeet on Sunday.
Scotty Palmer had a sign off line, keep punching, id like a line to end things off too. Im gonna work on that in the coming round, in the meantime ill end with………..