The Pies are coming off three wins in a row. Cant remember the last time I got to say that. I like it, I wish to say we/re coming off wins more often. We scored wins over the most pure of evil (Essendon and Carlton) and Adelaide, who while didn/t win the trophy where the best team of 2017. So coming off three big wins its time to really see where we are at, taking on the campions the Tigers. Theres no team I love a win against more than the Tiges, no idea why, just love it. I loved back in 2016 when the Samurai kicked a goal with second to go to clinch the game for us. The week before we got smashed by the Swans and a non Swans supporting friend felt the urge to text me the entire Swans theme. Richmond was there second team (don/t get me started on that shit) so after we beat them I replied serve with the Pies theme. They responded saying it was a fluke I said who cares any win over those picks is ace. So the Tigers bring out the white line fever in me. Oh, and im yet to ave another drink with that person. So with the Tigers aving bragging rights will be nice to see where we/re at and if we are really contenders this year.
I walk into the Balaclava five minutes before kick off. Gordon and Fred are at the table. Im informed theres no sound on the telly I find the remote and turn the volume up but no sound. Im outta ideas so I go to the bar. Im reading that Flynn Appleby is being blooded today, or as Mark E Smith would say the new face in hell. I am now going to christen him Errol. The Smallest Man in football is back, and to my shock and awe MAYNE HAS BEEN PICKED. AMAZING.
And a quick reminder here are the nicknames for some of the Pies players
Nathan Buckley – Shoehorn/Bucks
Alex Fasolo – Faz
Jordan De Goey –The Gooster
Bordie Grundy – The Samurai/the Barista
Jamie Elliott – Billy Elliot
Tyson Goldsack –The Sack/Flop
Adam Treloar – Brownlow
Scott Pendelbury – Matrix
Jarryd Blair- Bilbo/Smallest man in Football
Lynden Dunn- Twiggy
Callum Brown – Son of Rowdy
Tom Phillips Screwdriver
Will Hoskin-Elliott –Hyphen
Brayden Maynard – Maynard G Crabs
I go out for a fag before the bounce, and im on the superkings, and since there longer than a normal ciggie I miscalculate my timing and miss the first 90 seconds. When I walk in I see Dusty rubbing Maynes hair. I get the feeling that may be the only touch he gets. The Tigers ave a shoot and miss. The bloke kicking has a Fred Flintstone run up when he goes bowling, the twinkle toes method. I hate that run up. We are joined at the table by the bloke at the end of the bar I call mate. I find out later his name is Mick. Good lad he is. Toby kicks another point for the Tigers and they kick another one quickly The Samurai kicks to a Richmond player and there aving another shoot. Bad Samurai, very bad. But they still miss, Fred says we/ve cursed em. Pete joins us and Pete is the Action man when it comes to getting the sound on. We ask one of the staff, he says yeah I can help then goes into another room. We don/t see him for the rest of the day. We finally get the ball down our end and Cox has it. Sigh. He misses. Oh man, hes a great mark but he needs a hand with kicking. He can be something and hope he does but he need serious goal kicking training, its an ugly style. With 9:55 to go in the quarter a major is finally scored. Unfortunately its not our end. Two more members of staff walk past and we ask them RE the sound, he tells us that they cant change it because of the Foxtel box, for some reason the Foxtel Box wont allow this particular TV to ave sound, despite the fact ever both in the bistro has Foxtel and the Front bar and pokies area all ave TVs with Foxtel. We can put a man on the moon but not get sound on a TV. Another member of staff picks up the remote changes the channel and finally we get sound. After we finally get sound Matrix kicks our first and the high 5s and the cha cha chas come out. After the re start Errol gets his first touch, a spoil, and what a spoil, textbook looking straight at the ball and didn/t touch the arms. Mayne gets a kick. Hes earned his 600,000 clams. Fred goes to the bar and with the tables joined it’s a long walk to the bar. Mayne gets two touches in eight second. Im stunned. Great mark from Reid , kicks to a big pack and Cox stands tall and marks, a a flog Richmond player knocks the ball out of his hands. 50. GOAL. But the joy is short lived as they take the ball but the other end and goal, and to add insult to injury Twiggy is a royal dick and bumps the kicker and is given a free goal straight away. Riewoldt gets in Twiggys face. My Dingley Correspondent Tim, is on the bowler texting me saying Fucking Dunn. Times an old Dingley friend of mine, we rarely see each other, but we text all the time, bout football. Cant remember the last time we said how ya going? But I like that we don’t need to say that. Cox has another crack, Twiggys is in his face, he wants to fight everyone.
Quarter time Pies down by eight. Riewoldt starts the quarter by being a crybaby. Shut up and play the game. Classic Matrix as it weaves his way through traffic and kicks to Cox. Sigh. Is he the new Cloke? Great mark shit kick, particularly in front of goal. And he gets a point. Just sigh. Another entry in the forward 50 and Razor Ray is taking the piss by awarding Cox another attempt at goal. But long behold he kicks yours truly. Howe takes a ripper mark, one of his best, Riewoldt cries again. Rance is hit in the head with the ball and awarded a free. I swear next you wont be able to look at someone without giving away a free. Brilliant mark by Scharenberg , Riewoldt off camera cries again im sure. The pressure in the defensive fifty is amazing, both teams are fighting tooth and nail. Cox drops a mark and hes so tall he can barely bend down to pick it up, but three blokes tackle him but none can get him to the ground. And the moment my eyes beam up, I find out Butler is playing for Richmond. It means I get to do my Blakey from On the Buses impression. The whole table is screaming i/ll get you butler. The Hyphen scores and we bang elbows. Hes my favourite by far. Tigers take it up the other end, a dribble kick and Twiggy takes his time to bang it over, it looked like a goal but score review disagrees. Hardwick smiles. When I see Hardwick I think of the other week when we did the who the fuck am I from the Sun on Monday. Pete got Hardwick from six points, so basically the only info we had was what year he was born. Pete says he read it somewhere what year he was born, I think he cheated but the adjudicator couldn/t come through. Cox pushes Crybaby outta the way and Hyphen on the siren goals to top off a great quarter and it’s the Pies by four points going into the main break.
Half time we discuss the player Butler, I want him at the Pies just so I can do Blakey all game. Pete wants Hogan from Melbourne so he can do Colonel Klink. After the break the pressure from both sides is amazing. Both sides are leaving nothing in the tank, incredible due to the short break both teams had, but I wish the Pies would kick more, the handball style of play has worked so far but they need more kicking out of pressure. Theres a Richmond player whose last name sounds like Costanza again I want him for the Pies. Howe is out and so is Aish, in such a tight game, losing them would be huge and could be the difference. Brilliant tackle by Crisp. Crybabay finally does something other than cry and Tigers get the lead. Viv Gaye joins us, she told me something not to write down. GG also comes in, with no glasses, hes sitting right in front of the telly. Mayne is getting plenty of it. Not really using it well but still, hes probably earing 10,000 g a possession. We get another 50 and the Gooster goals. Reid gets another and the pies back in front. Crybaby gets a free and misses. Hahaha. As Fred points out hes probably too focused on his singing career. Later on Riewoldt is given another free, he could ave easily also gotten a 50 but hes such a whinger the umps aving none of it Pete complains out a free that was instead given as an advantage. Gordon tells me to write that down. Tigers goal and there in front. That awful commentator Hamish says the Pies are aiming for a month of wins. Er, no its a fourpeet you idiot. Does anyone know why hes around and the point of him is? When we do the quiz if you get four in a row right you make a speech with Sault and pepper shakers. Id love to see Matrix and Shoehorn do the same.
Three quarter time and down by ten.
The last quarter it seems we stopped and the Tigers moved up a gear. Crybaby misses so thats something, but then they get one and its three goals we ave to come back from. They get out to five, ive put the pen and pad away. Reid kicks a goal and we cha cha cha. At this stage a bloke in St Kilda shirt wants in on the high 5s. this throws us off our game and its not our best click clap. Gordon tells me to write down the clock is against us, Brownlow, or as Fred points out the blokes that looks like Kryten from Red Dwarf goals to get us back within 19. Viv Gaye rejoins us and tells us to do some quick kicks. Couldn/t hurt, she also says Richmond are doing well due to the colour of the ball matching the colour on their jumper. Didn/t think of it like that. They kick some more goals, but Stephenson goals to make it 19 again. Pete says Peterson, I say its Stephenson, he ask if im sure, I said well im a football reporter now so I should know. This game is over for us, I reach into my pocket to pull out a fag, but theres none there, for some reason I kept the pack in my jacket despite no durries in there. You idiot. Crybabay goals and I put the pen and pad down again Serein sound and I go to the bar.
After the game Fred breaks the seal, I put it in the minutes. Dirty Dave Dare texts me cold pies. The check of the man considering he doesn/t even go for the Tigers and his mob, the Saints lost. Was a ripping opening three quarters, was a great game but we just stopped and only managed one point in the last quarter. While we were two men down we still got work to do if we are to be contenders this year. If we played as good a brand of football in the last quarter as we did in the first three and still lost I think there would be a lot of positives and a sign we/re for real, but that last thirty minutes was disappointing. Speaking of disappointing, the click claps, one or two slips ups. That bloke threw us off but we still should be prepared for those moments. We need that training camp and a 6am start at training to fix that. . Geelong this week, lets see if we can get back to our best, both on field and at the table.
Im still trying to figure out a sign off for this rant. Still avent got one. Keep Punchin…no that Scott Palmer. I need work on that too.