Now. Onto business first. Last week I mentioned GG asked the question has there been a better song written since My Pal, but I failed to mention the biggest question asked last week which was by Pete, our beloved CEO. He asked when did you first love Daryl Brathwaite? Sherbs, Highway or Sherbet? Please leave your answer in the comments. And also thanks to Dirge Rockman for the kind words on this blog. He also suggested that I review the Dane Swan Sex tape. I might save that to the off season as i/ll need something to do during the six month break.
We/re in the final of our threepeat of pussy teams. Loss to the Tigers, win over the Lions, now onto the final team Geelong. We ave a good record over the Pussy Cats in recent years. Sure they got their new recruit DD (what my friend Jo calls Dangerfield to make him sound less dangerous), he gets plenty of it but just cant kick it to a target. Overrated much? Yes. .And also recruited G Ablett back (speaking of Ablett what happened to his less talented brother? He is the Chuck Cunningham of that family), really speaks well of there youth recruiting down at the Cattery. So after a narrow win against a team that is yet to register four points the Pies need a big one today.
The last time I went to a Cats game I made an appearance in Freds Pub strip, theres a drawing of me talking to Bucks (drawn as a shoehorn) on the phone telling Jack Frost to Kill Tom Hawkins. Hawkins had a quiet game that day so my job was done, it was a great play and the Pies got up And hes out today, so whose gonna kick their goals? A friend of mine asked if she could come into he members with me. I said yes. Of course I woke up that morning with a hangover and slept in so I rushed to get to the G however when I got to the ground twenty minutes before game time, I got a call from her, she was still in St Kilda. She said she was in an UBER and on her way in twenty. I knew that wasn/t going to happen. I got angry waiting outside as I hear crowd cheer after cheer. I ran inside and say we were up five goals to zero. She didn/t arrive at the ground til five minutes into the second quarter. We were up seven goals to two in the first quarter. She said sorry a bunch of times but I could hardly hide my annoyance, late to the footy is number one on my shit list. Im yet to invite her, or anybody for that matter back to the footy.
I aint joining my regulars at the Balaclava, instead im watching the game at Dingley ,at me ma and dads house for mothers day. As I arrive im greeted with the news Matrix is out and Billy Elliot hurt himself in the VFL. I hope Ma had a good day cause sounds like im not with news like that. Sarah Jones on the Foxtel coverages throws to the Seven call and she hopes all the mums ave a good day. First voice I hear is Hamish McLachlan, or Steve Stiffler, so I guess theres no hope of that happening. Yes just awful, a smug git with no talent that pretty much has a job cause of his brother, and I aint big on him either. Come across like Dumb and Dumber. Bounce and we/re away. I hear a caller I don/t recognize and its none other than shit bloke all-round Luke Hodge. He calls the tackling pressure by the Cats great, yet that second the stats come up and its two tackles to zero. Hope his coaching will be better than his “expert commentary”. A trip on Murray sees us given a 50 but its wasted. G Ablett is playing, as Fred said the other night they/ll keep selecting him even when its just his head. He/ll still get 13123123124 Brownlow votes a game. Cats ave had five inside 50s but yet to goal, and the ball has barely been up our end. Hyphen (my man) handballs to the Shag, standing by himself so of course hes pinned. Can we get a refund on him? This leads to Abletts head avaing a shoot but misses. Sidie grabs it and is called electric by BT, The Hyphen almost takes a screamer. At this point ma and dad come home, I tell dad bout the Hyphen and he scoffs saying almost aint good enough. Errol takes a nice grab, very impressed with his three games so far. Best three game debut ever. The Shag cops a don/t argue. Thats his 50,000 grand for the game earned as Abletts head kicks out on the full. Big cox marks but a drop leads to a turn over and the Cats get the first goal. . An awful passage of play sees Trav and Brownlow fuck up, kicks to a bloke on the mark, its just amateur hour here. And Wells kicks a point. Cant do anything right here. Selwood kicks out on the full Hodge tries to say that the fans will be happy. He truly is the worst bloke. Phillips marks but given a bump afterwards and awarded 50 and BT says it aint right. You cant hit him after the fact. Wrong BT. We cut to Chris Scott in his whinging manner saying what for. He seems like a bloke I wouldn/t ave a beer with. We score and its pies down 9 to 16.BT says the cats ave been impressive, yet are only ahead by seven points. Doesn/t sound impressive to me. So good to discuss footy with dad in the break. We say this year could be a wasted year for Elliot like last. We like son of rowdy and Murry. Last weeks game is brought up and dad says how the Lions where always gonna bring it for us, like the Saints will bring there A game next week
As the second quarter starts Hodge calls a Cats player Blitzarse. So we now ave two AFL players with Carry On Names behind Sidebottom. I wish Collingwood would recruits a Bristols Big Cox takes a ripper mark but cant convert. If he just had to take marks hed be a legend, unfortunately he has to kick after. A poor holding the ball is given against us, thankfully Crameri cant convert from 30 out. Hodge takes time to suck up to the Cats, probably wishing he went there instead of Brisbane, saying how all the older guys are round and the younger guys are helping em, all I hear is old guys are there, get out of the way give a kid a go I think. Shit bloke. The hyphen handballs to Crocker and misses, and im amazed where seven points down considering how little time we/ve had it in out 50. Hyphen marks, dad tells me he doesn/t care for him. Hes trying to upset me as he knows he my man, Howe is given a shit free against him and Hodge says the umpires are favouring the forwards, but also says Twiggy had the same thing happen to him yet no free. Never thought id say thins but THANK YOU HODGE. Cant remember the last time we had it in our 50, the Samurai goes for a mark but ball is punched, Hyphen grabs a mark and his punched in his ribs by DD, god hes overrated, and he gets a 50 for his trouble, misses and still no ones scored a goal this quarter. The Shag gets another touch, that probably means he/ll probably get a game next week. Hodge is pumping up the pressure of the Cats, but they aint scored a goal and its been up there end most of the quarter, god he sucks. Selwood rushed it and gets booed, BT is geez even on Mothers Day he gets booed. Yes BT hes that big a cunt he gets booed on Mothers Day, and while im at it Fuck that other cunt Stevie J. I had to say it.. So the Cats get a goal with 90 second to go, and G Abletts head get a goal with sixty to go and a quarter of keeping the cats quarter is ruined. Mothers Day is ruined, though I probably already did with the bad language that I know mum wouldn/t like.
Half Time Cats up 31 to 12
I aint at the pub so I cant go for a smoko, so im getting another coffee, this is no way to watch the footy. So with no smoko I give mum her Ma day present. I got her Hemingways Death in the Afternoon but she pulls the book out and the PJ Harvey CD come out of the Readling bag and the CD case smashes. Now the day is ruined. Moore is injured, and the day is getting worse. But third quarter starts alright as Phillips- goals but a dog act knee to the head as hes tackled means hes out for the game. Our goal kicker is gone and im bout ready to quit but I aint at the pub so I guess I gotta just watch it out. Gooster goals quickly and its back to seven points. Steve Stiffler says the Pies ave kicked two goals in seven minutes, trying to make it seem like thats impressive. DD gets a pretty weak free kick, I guess hes gotta get a touch somehow. He goals and back to 13 points. The cats go forward and BT and Hammer are orally blowing DD, but he missed the ball twice. Overrated. Shit tap by Samurai leads to cats goal and its 44 to 25. Stiffler mentions Errol saying that his name is like a character out of a Roger and Hammerstein play, trying to make out hes clever. Stiffler, stick to interviewing the Auskick kids where the kids clearly dont like you. Sling tackle on Hyphen yet no free, last week Pete said it now I am, I want Razor back. Wells is playing ok according to BT even though hes had one kick and it was a point, but Hyphen goals and I prove to dad hes alright. Brownlow just misses and its 52 to 32, dad mentions hes had three misses all from the run, cats take it up the other end and Twiggy is slammed to the ground, we cant buy a free today. Crocker misses. Sigh. An amazing passage of play with Hyphen and Brownlow gets me and dad out of our chairs but Crispy misses, didn/t reward the play. Stiffler says that if we goal it will be a two point game. Thanks im struggling with basic maths today you dick. Time for one last play, Sidie has an amazing run, kicks to Brownlow but he doesn/t centre and instead has a run from the boundary and misses and that takes us to three quarter time.
Pies down 52 to 35.
Its announced you could win a kick with an AFL star but it doesn/t say who. In the 1995 footy variety tv show four quarters did that (remember that? Just before the footy on friday nights)Howe takes a great mark but kick is shit, Hodge says he didn/t think, just like Hodge when he went to Brisbane, Wells misses as well. BT says the Pies need three goals to get the lead but he then says we really need five goals just to give us some breathing space. Thanks BT, I wasn/t aware more goals would lead to a bigger lead. . Cats goal, hey BT how many goals now? Gooster misses from the restart, Wells misses again, the cats kick in and dads point out every kick had been straight down the ground, will the Pies learn and ave an answer? No and they take it to their 50 and score. Samurai goals to get it back to 20. Stiffler points out we need a few goals and points to take the lead. Which shit private school did he attend? Dad calls Twiggy an accident in waiting. Taylor Adam does a shit dribble kick from 30 meters out and its too far to score from that distance. He needs a week in the VFL. BT takes time to talk the royal wedding and I finally put the tv on mute. We do a bunch of fast handballs, where was this all game? Abletts head is mentioned gets 30 touches, and games over.
After the game I try and be the good son and take ma out for dinner. During which I bring up the Sherbs, Sherbet and Highway discussion and he lays it out for me and I lose interest. Im back in St Kilda of to Dogs for Jack Howard and the Long Lost Brothers. Drummer Cal is out the front and I ave a quick chat and we are joined by Fiona and Lomas, who later touches my left tit. The regulars are here, my dear mates are all here. Me and Terry are excited bout Kid Congo on Thursday, Sam Terry and Bernie (two legs) all raise a glass to KISS. Joanna is wearing a beautiful Russian hat, Jo, Gabe, Olga, Sally, Jeff and Brett are all here, ace to see so many brilliant people. The band as always is great, Fiona Lee Maynard doing Say Goodbye gets everyone up and dancing. After two pints (a quiet game day for me) dinner isn’t sitting well with the beer so I tap out home.
Lomas says if we finish top eight he/ll be happy. If we don/t play well against the Saints I think we can kiss finals goodnight. Neither team I thought was impressive, the Cats certainly didn/t butcher their chances like we did. Need to lift otherwise it will be another wasted season.
With that im Matt Ryan, and at least im not Danny Frawley