Round 10 vs Bulldogs

After coming off a win of some sorts the pies play a team that has disappointed the last two seasons. After surprising the footy world in 2016 fair to say the Dogs ave not lived u to their promise the last two years. The Pies and Dogs are at the same position right now so will make an interesting game. Bulldogs fans are a weird mob. Theres an old high school mate of mine Shane who is a serial shirt dodger. I saw him recently for the first time in years, when I asked where he was when the Dogs won in 2016 he said he was overseas as he booked a holiday. Poor lad, see kids this is why I hate leaving town. I know i/ll miss something, with me it will be the day Chad is finally the correct answer in the quiz. Another is Sef the landlord of Lost. In my zine Munster I wrote a prediction of the 2016 season and I said the Dogs would not make the finals. We bet a slab and of course I lost. But considering they finished seventh I wasn/t far off. The game is at the newly named Marvel Stadium. As mentioned at the office if they name it after the Hulk id ave no objections as we can claim its named after Rene Kink. As mentioned in last weeks rant I was at the new Marvel Stadium for the Saints game, and walking down I just saw MasterChef propaganda, including posters of that gobshite George Calombaris. This bloke ripped off his workers, moaned bout penalty rates, gets to keep his highly paid network job and he then moans to the Sun saying hes the victim. George, as Jim Cornnette would say thank you fuck you bye.



I meet Fred at Surabaya Johnnys where we will travel to the office the Balaclava with horsey. I arrive to see him and Dave are blasting Fight for Your Right so I know the set is finishing soon. St Kilda’s  equal best  barmaid with Suzi Q, Corinne offers me table service, thats why shes the best. I miss the first 15 minutes of the game as Dave Moll was in my ear, but he can do that any damn time he likes, and also great to see Billy Pommer Jr, I always ave time for him.  I walk into the office part (the bistro) to find the fucking rugby on the big screen. Do they know what state this is? I mean why don/t they just piss in my mouth? So onto the public bar where Fred is with our CEO Pete. Im amazed to see the Pies down 25 to 7. The Barista takes a good mark but cant follow through. Cameron Ling says a week is a long time in football and is amazed how the teams are playing this week compared to last, despite the fact the first quarter isn/t even fucking over. He also says the Dogs are ahead because they are controlling the ball better. How much money does he make? At this point I hear the name Daicos for the first time and I hear it plenty more in the broadcast. I love hearing that name, him and Son of Rowdy in the same team is a delight. The Shag is still getting a game which amazes me. Pete says hes doing so well because his hair mesmerizes all the rival players. Im also informed if we win we/ll be in the eight. We may not be in it at the end of the round due to further results, but will be ace going to bed know we/ll be in the eight and we could be contenders.  Pete brings up the all in brawl that happened at the Saints game last week. All in brawl was the term used by the media, even though it was two blokes and many more breaking it up. Apparently it was over the 2010 flag. Some people just cant let go of shit (GO PIES).  Going into half time down 32 to 7 im making my first big call. Its anyones game. Can I get Lingys job? Its more accurate than his shit comments. We cut to the box and we see Bucks with a beard, or an attempt at one.


Quarter time

Collingwood 7

Bullies 32

Going to the commercial break channel 7 are playing the Bosses Born in the USA. They really ave no idea how to pick songs for sports coverage do they? But Pete points out the history of Grand Final performers. The Loaf, Lionel and Tom Jones. The people with the most money ave the worst taste. Like that time an old boss of mine threw us a party and he DJayed. He fucking played Robbie Williams the whole time. He says to me can you believe this was in the worst songs list ever. Yes I fucking can. See kids, money cant buy everything. Speaking of money, the Gooster has been in the news all week, how many club are gonna make big seven figure offers to get his services? I would like to think for all the shit hes put the club though and how they/ve stuck with him he feel likes he owes em something . I think he/ll stay, but from now on the Gooster will be the Six Million Dollar Man.


Before the start of the second quarter Waz continues his Heel turn saying go doggies. Start of the quarter, its nice to see Greenwood out there playing but he ruins it with what is described as a reckless handball.  The dogs ave a shot but despite BT saying they should get a reward they only get a minor. Trav has a run and kicks to the six million dollar man, but he misses, thats a million dollars he pissed away from his name. More pissy handballs from Greenwood as he handballs the ball directly on the ground as if that will do some good. The Matrix frees and the Barista marks but kicks to a Doggies player, Adams is pinned for reckless tackle, the only thing wrong with it was the blokes head hit the ground, but the action of the tackle was not in a  manner mind you. So if you do the same tackle but without the head hitting the floor its not dangerous? Fuck off. The Hyphen to Langdon to the Six million dollar man. He kicks efficiently to Brownlow so hes but 5.5 million now. The pies kick to a pack which Waz hates as to him its pretty much giving up possession  of the ball. We ask the question how much the ball needs to be over the line for it to be out. I say just any part of the ball an its is considered out. Waz thinks it has to be the whole ball, us and Pete ponder this, we ask Fred who says KICK IT LONG. Brownlow scores and its now 33-15. Straight after the restart Phillips goals to get us two goals in it. We than get a great shot of the Shags hair, and I was certainly right on the its anyones game comment. The six million dollar man marks but has it smothered. See money changes people. Cox is on the bench with ice. Will let you decide if its in a  bag or pipe form. The Hyphen kicks forward but the Barista cant mark and we see Bucks not happy. Cox is back, the ice worked. Richo say the dogs are a good chance to win despite the fact they just lost a four goal lead. Scharenberg with the lot marks in the square to help stop a goal. Fred tells us a history lesson. He tell us since Collingwood has been invented, the umpires ave always favoured the other team. As a qualified sports reporter I can confirm that story. The Hyphen does a great tackle but the Pies aint given holding the ball, see Fred was right. Phillips is pinned for throwing and the commentators all say he knows he threw it. No he didn/t it was a one armed handball. Langdon goals to make it 39-27 to the Dogs .The Pies say we got our mojo back, despite the back these useless pricks write us off at quarter time. Not BT thought. I don/t mind him, Whats the point of Cameron Ling and Richo i/ll never know. I met this lady named Lola at the Tote ages ago. She said to me you/re the guy that got Dane Swan to sign a shoehorn which is correct. She asked who my favourite footy caller was. Matt Grandland from SEN I replied. She said no one has ever aid that and left. Shit free against us but we turn it round and the run away Rising Start winner Stephens goals to take us within a kick. BT says they pies ave come from nowhere. Where ave we come from BT? Dingley. The dogs score, I don’t remember. Last play of the quarter and a blatant push but Howe gives a free and no more play for the quarter.


Half time Collingwood 33

Bullies 51


The main beak which means time for a fag. Round this time Fred told us that hes going home to drop his bag off at home. We tell him if hes isnt back in 15 we/re taking his beer. After a durrie Freds better half, and possibly the woman with the most beautiful sinning voice I ever heard Viv, calls and informs Freds staying but told us to bring beers and come. We stay in time to see Sidie goal, while getting a sixer of Vic and Rothmans Red 30 for me and off to Freddies. . The Hyphen has a shot which does nothing sadly, the three million dollar mans price keeps going down. At Fred and Vivs, Viv offers us a free lighter, we say auction it on the website. An amazing run from Stephens sees Phillps goals and its 54-53. I ask Viv if she thinks its anyones game, she tells me we need to kick five more points. She also tells me that a crucial goal is better than a crucial point. She also says kicking straight is not on an angle. Love this lady. The Hyphen goals and its 61-53. As per our celebration we hi 5 click and chachacha but with the Hyphen we bang elbows, and we get confused what order to do it all in. Again I love hearing the name Dacios. BT even says he does too.  Ling says we/re running away. Should I go back to when he said we had no chance? Flog.


3 quarter time

Pies 63

Doggies 53


The Shag marks which means he/ll get another game. Cox to the Hyphen to Brownlow results in a goal. I say outstanding, Fred calls me the greatest sports reporter eve. Much better than Chequebook Mike Sheehan. Ling wonders how the Dogs will stop the Pies. I don/t know, score more goals? Matrix goals and proves how wrong and what a knob Mike Sheehan is. We see a graphic that the Matrix has equalled Bucks 260 games, also won more B and Fs and All Australians. A discussion in the commentary Box bout who is better. Carey says Bucks, BT says good one in a snide way. For me id take Bucks as he pretty much held the team together for almost a decade, but for me Bucks and Matrix are the two best ive ever seen in the black and white. Hyphen to Stephens to make it 75-53 and then an important point is scored to take us to 76. Scharenberg with the lot has had 24 touches and going 100%, hes aving his best season so far. Cox marks for but handballs off but still gets the ball from 50 and misses. Richo is trying to do maths on Coxes wing span and for fuck sake its rough hearing. I say give it to Fred at Johnnys next Friday Richo. Cox marks and BT explodes and the Six Million dollar man marks to make him back to six. But Pete says you don/t want to be any higher then six for tax reasons.  Freds called it a win with 3:57 to go. Cox is reported for rough conduct but you can do that as his size is too big. Richo hasn/t done his maths so we/ll never know Big Coxes wind span. Hyphen misses but Dacios after the bell goals and its all over.


Time gentleman please

Collingwood 90

Bullies 55

Post match Hamish or Stiflers Dad as I call him asks why the Dogs lost. Um we kicked more goals? Dumb fuck. We then see some ad for a show called Cheap Seats or Arm Chair Warriors I cant remember, my notes let me down. Adam Cooney does it him on a coach talking shit. Isnt that was this rant is for?  Fred changes the channel. The Thick of It is on, for me the best TV series ever but he doesn/t stop on it. It has my favourite line ever, “he/ll fuck you harder than Ron Jeremy, and with less warmth”. Lord of the Rings is on. We moan about how brutal it was watching those fucking movies. I bring up how when I saw it at the cinemas theres the scene where the daft creature (elf I don/t know) sets himself on fire and runs off a cliff. Everyone was in shock I laughed my tits off. I never liked Tolkien. They tried reading me the Hobbit when I was in primary school, all I hear was some shit story of men living in holes. I try to describe a famous actor whose name I cant remember, I just say that famous pisshead, and it comes to me, it was Richard Harris and its brought up how he worked on Gladiator with that other pisshead Oliver Reed, god those two on set together. And with Russel Crow, no wonder Oliver Reed died on set. Round this time we/ve drank the beers so its time for home.


Despite a shit start we had a great second half, and keeping the Bullies goalless in the second half was a top effort. I got it wrong last week, I said we would be playing Freo this week but its this coming week. Terry O’Leary, game on.  I love being back in the eight, it’s a feeling I aint felt in ages, I want it to happen for the rest of the season.


Im Matt Ryan, and at least I aint Danny Frawley



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