Round 11 v Fremantle


The Pies are going for a threepeat and seeing the Pies are in the eight im loving football. Not even the death of the guitarist from Anal Cunt dying can get me down. This week sees us playing Freo. I know three Freo fans, Terry, George and Mad Rad. I wonder if anyone lese in Melbourne knows three Freo fans. With George overseas and And Rad northside Terry is flying the flag for Freo at the table.  We ave a New Face in Hell in the Pies, Brody Mihocek. His last name sounds like Dole Cheque, so thats what he will be referred to from now on.

I walk in to the Balaclava and see Terry and Fred already sitting there. Terry is wearing a Clowns shirt and Freo Bennie and scarf. Hes come prepared. We see the players run onto the field, and I see heaps of headband which Terry approves, it reminds me of one of the great moments in radio history, when the time some bloke rang up SEN breakfast and said that Bruce Doull didn/t wear a headband he wore jocks on his head. Because hes a dickhead. Matt Granland awkwardly said thanks as he realised it had gone to air and didn/t push the dump button. Keith walks in and praises my Footy Mouth shirt and also says Freo need to bring back the Anchor on their shirt. BT says game on even though there was still five minutes til game time. On the TV we see Mayne and I scream SHAG and Terry says traitor. With five minutes til game time I think its time for a fag. I open a packet on Carlisle St which is just asking for trouble. At this time our CEO Pete walks in and Gordon is not far behind. I brought my shoehorn for the second time this season. In case I aint explained it before we think Bucks looks like a shoehorn and we use the shoehorn as a way to communicate with him via Morse code. I also to my amazement see the remote for the big telly on the table, god they look after us here. GG walks in, with glasses and its time for the bounce. One of the bar staff asks Pete if its really his birthday, when asked what the date his he says its this birthday date. I ask if we can get free chips for his birthday. Im still waiting for em.

Freo wins the toss as Terry points out. Hopefully thats all they/ll won today. Shit free in the first two seconds sees Freo with the ball straight off the bat, which BT points out is a good start to Freo. Greenwood has a thumping kick in the pies 50 but kicks it to a Freo player. We see the headbands again which sees Pete labels the bloke a hippy. Of all the players on the filed Maynard G Krebs should be wearing a headband but he aint. Terry points out the headband is to hold their brains in. The Gooster or the Six Million Dollar man drops a mark, this value just keeps dropping in value. He needs a headband to hold his brain as he was shithouse last week. The shag to Wells who then passes to Cox who is five meters out but on an angle. This could be anything. For some reason he does the fucking dribble kick and it doesn/t even go near the sticks. Its such a fucked kick no on touches the footy as their in disbelief. But thank fuck the ump calls it back and he goals to make it 7 to 6 to Freos advantage as our website president the Randsta walks in. Gooster drops mark again as Dole Cheque marks and kicks a crucial point as commentators always say to make scores level. Im making a big call, its anyones game. We see Ross Lyon in the box, we made the joke last year he sounds like a Muppet, or the adults in the Peanuts. Cox marks pass to Brownlow and off to Thomas and goals as we cut to Bucks in the box and he still has that fucking beard. I don/t like it I say as I get onto the shoehorn. Big Cox has the ball from 53 meters out. This could be anything but its a thumping kick thats straight but just falls short. Last week Pete and Fred coined Scharenberg Scharenberg with the lot. Fred says that should ave pineapple on it. I say what bout beetroot. Fred says no to that. I hate beetroot so I don/t know why I said that. Would it be two patties of meat on with the lot? Surely egg. Runny egg would be on it. Anyway Freo miss to make it 15-8 but then goal and a crucial point to Freo make it level. We score a crucial point to take the lead. Cox pushes a bloke which leads to the Hyphen goals. We ave confusion bout how we do this. So for those that need a refresher, when the pies score we hi 5 and click every pies fan at the table then we do an altogether cha cha cha, but with the Hyphen we bang elbows, we are confused when the elbows comes in. we need that training camp. Thomas misses as BT says the Pies really really want to win as we hear the siren.

Quarter time

Collingwood 24


After another fag break we walk in and complain bout the lights as GG takes one of em out. Dole Cheque taps to Wells, to Gooster but he fucks up, he is no longer the six million dollar man. Hes now bout two pints and a packet of chips. Not hot chips with a gravy boat a packet of chips. Shit chips like cheese and onion. Anyway he cant mark. Phillips kicks out on the full. We discuss what celebration we should do for Phillips. At this time the women with the sweetest voice in the world Viv walks in. She suggests we get a screwdriver from the bar. The problem is George might be working the bar in that case the game will be over before we can get one. Stephens does a great soccer, and yes even though it was a soccer kick that wanker Steve Stiffler (Hamish McLachlan) says back of the net. Flog. But we go to the review system and even though you cant tell if it was touched they call it that. This system shits me so much. We agree at the table that the video review is a joke and trail by video ruined the game. Fred and Pete say bring back the biff. Freo goals 31-22 to the Pies. Brownlow has a thumping kick to The Hyphen as he does the dribble which I hate but hes five out and goals as we bang elbows again. Thomas goals hes been brilliant since he returned. Speaking of returns Maynard G Krebs goals, I want to play bongos every time he scores. . Stephens the greatest rising star winner ever, well he will be when he wins later in the year goals too. Matrix goes forward and bombs it in as that takes us to the break as BT claims he never though bout scoring.

Half Time

Collingwood 56

Freo 22

We start the third quarter with Gooster kicking to a Freo bloke. Hes not even worth two pints hes now bout two $5 schooners of Furphys at the Bala. Phillips does the same thing so we won/t be avaing a screwdriver anytime soon. What the fuck is in a screwdriver anyway? Matrix goals to take us 62-28. Beautiful mark from Brownlow as we sing Happy Birthday to Pete and ask where the fuck the chips are. . We then recall chip gate. The night GG ordered chips but never got them. A fella behind the bar just stared at them and asked what the fuck to I do with these and just let them sit there all night. GG never got em, but the next night they gave chips to our regular table, but GG wasn/t there just Fred and Pete. . They still talk how good the chips where to this day as our great mate John walks in. Wells misses a point as Stiffler says he needs a rest. Thats the first time I think ive ever agreed with him. Waz says go Dockers, as he looks at Terry and says are you a Docker, no your Freo. Thats why we call him Mr Football. The Gooster goals to finally do something good. Think hes got back to two pints value. He needs to do more to get to two pints and hot chips value. Chips paid by GG of course. Round this time a staff member walks in as we sing happy birthday to Pete but get no response. The Hyphen marks to ave a shot and we discuss in the run up when does the elbow come into effect with our celebration. I say we do it individually after the clicks. Fred wants to discuss this further but Hyphen goals so we hi 5 click and bang elbows then move onto next person. We say with all these moves we need to make all the nicknames and moves into some kind of musical. I say West Pies Story. Dockers goal 81-28. Dole Cheque goals, I swear hes now more value than Gooster and its his first game. Phillips goals 93-28. Next time I see Mad Rad behind the bar im gonna ask him bout the screwdriver situation.

3 quarter time

Collingwood 93

Freo 34

Dole Cheque keeps going up in value as he goals to take us one point short of the ton.  And its Thomas that brings up the crucial point that takes us to 100. Dole Cheque goals to get his threepeat. When we get three answers in a row at the quiz we take the salt and pepper shakers and make a speech. Can someone run him out the shakers? BT then pumps up the mouth-watering queens birthday game next week.  Hyphen goals as again we discuss what order do we do this in. John tells us a story how he took a French mate on ANZAC Day. He says he knew nothing of AFL but it didn/t take long for him to give Essendon fans shit and also give it to em when they left early. I like him already. Sideie to Hyphen and again what the fuck order is the clap and elbow as he goals. For the cha cha chas we finally ave a countdown so we/re in unison. Freo kick a great goal for their eighth.  Bunch of handballs to Phillips sees him goal and I really need a screwdriver now and the Pies are looking at getting seventh on the ladder. I hear fucking Dire Straits in the public bar, please kill me. The Gooster misses and hes now worth just a packet of chips. Thumping kick sees the Dockers goal 132-65. Fred says Ross Lyon is not a great coach as hes a coach that doesn/t make his players kick goal. Love that expert commentary. BT says there bout to pull the trap door whatever the fuck that means and who it was I don/t know. George E Bean walks in with a unfuck the world stubby holder, I tell him I ave that stubby holder. He says no I don/t and I say yeah I do. But he was saying I don/t own that stubby holder, the one in his hand. I try and explain that I wasn/t implying I own that one but just I give up quickly this argument. The Pies go forward one last time and Stiffler says time will beat them which I don/t get as we ave already one. Such a waste of space him and his brother.


Collingwood 138

Freo 77

After the game we see Kim Hughes being interviewed on TV. Pete calls him a Stephen Bradby as all the other players went to Packers World Series and he got to be captain by default. Fred tells us bout Tim Rogers managing the Twits, me and Tez order a bowl of chips with gravy boat (sorry GG) and say farewell to Scott the Scott and we head off to Lyrebird and see Rick Studentt and Duncan William, as well as Rosie Haden and Greg Hoepner for a brilliant double headline act and a perfect way to end a weekend.

Solid effort by the Pies what a debut from Dole Cheque and my man the Hyphen is still in top form. I hate to quote him, but as BT said we got a mouth-watering game this coming Monday against the Dees. This will see where we/re at. But im pumped and more excited bout the Pies for the first time in a long time. If we win next week the lids off.

Thanks for reading, say hi to us all tonight at the office (the Balaclava) and say hi to Pete for his birthday.

Im Matt Ryan and at least I aint Danny Frawley (is that what I say?)


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