Round 12 vs Melbourne


Happy Birthday Suzi, Rusty, Col and Rosemary. Oh and Pete too.

What an ace weekend so far. Rusty and Cols birthday at the Bowlo Saturday night. Thanks guys for an amazing night of music and fun. So many great people there including Jo and Fiona who I warned on Friday the lids coming off Monday at 6pm. We also discussed the possibility of a Pies Richmond granny. We all say we couldn/t do it. Sunday was all bout the fights. Inkerman for the Horn v Crawford fight. With two of my favs Chrisi and Geezer, disappointed the fight was stopped ahe Horn wasn/t dead on his feet like Rocky was when he fought that big commie but someone won and in doing so won the cold war. Horn was never gonna win but nine rounds with Crawford aint nothing to sneeze at. Me and Chrisis had a lovely two for one meal at the Balaclava to watch the UFC middleweight fight between Whittaker and Romero. But aving found out Romero didn/t make weigh it’s a non title affair. We both notice Romero had a huge cock and a low blow by Whittaker could ave been the difference as he held on and won. Not a classic but a five round title fight is nothing to complain bout. Then Monday morning a game of golf with Billy. I always got time for him and his ace family. After an 8AM tee off we find ourselves on out second beer at the South Caulfield RSL at 10:30. Golf and two beers ive already accomplished more than I usually do on a Monday. Not only that but both Chrisi and the delightful Viv Gaye both used the term jaunty hat within a few hours of each other. I doubt i/ll ever hear that again let alone twice in one day. To end things we got the Pies Dees Queens Birthday clash that BT called Mouthwatering last week. Did it live up to the hype? Lets find out.

I walk into our lounge room (the Bala) at 3 and see Fred Pete and Sam already there. We discuss the evening that was last night and all the madness that happens on a long weekend. Sam was wearing a beautiful eyeball dress. I get there with plenty of time so no need to run to the bar. Its unusually dead here for a Monday. No crowd and no George means i/ll get a drink within seconds. Happy Monday indeed. Pre game I go out for a fag, while Pete goes to I LOVE THIS SHOP and buys a plunger and lollies. Pete generously sears the lollies with the table. Good start to the game as Cox goals from bout 30 out. Hes a work in progress but hes had a pretty solid year so far. Would be great if he had Blair next to him just so he had someone to handball to. Also be great to ave the smallest man and tallest man in football next to each other. The Dees get a quick one back. I wonder where Mr Football Number 2 Jason is. He is a Dees fan. Well claims he is. We asked him who the coach was and he said Ron Barassi. He wasn/t joking. Scharenberg with the lot marks in the Dees 50 and is off, what a year he saving, pushes to Howe to the Hyphen to Cox in the 50 again. BT said Cox is fundamentally good, which is good. ive given up trying to analyse what BT says anymore. Brownlow goes into the 50 to Cox to the Six million dollar man who kicks to someones knees. His value keeps sinking and sinking, he/ll be lucky enough to get a game in the Dingley Dingos seconds the way hes been playing the last three weeks. Steve Stiffler (Hamish) says Cox has lost his feet. What is he wearing stumps? What a stoopid thing to say. BT says both teams love to score goals. Well, stoopid as that sounds, he aint wrong at least.  Stephens goals 13-6 to the Pies. The Six million dollar man his back in value as he does a thumping kick  to Stephens but cant mark, but he recovers and kicks to the Hyphen. As hes preparing to kick we panic and ask what do we do for the Hyphen? We decide we/ll hi 5 click and then bang elbows individually to make a Hyphen signal. Thankfully he goals and we bang elbows and the Pies are on fire early 20-6. Langdon to Scharenberg with the lot passes off to Howe to Sidie who does a great run but he is pinned and we see a ring a ding in the left hand side of the screen but its so small I cant make out who it is. Shit kick from Sidie to  Dees player but Adams is waiting who does a great tackle Crisp gets the scraps as Nathan Jones moans for a free. Fore a big bold bloke with tattoos he sure can whinge. We then see Bucks in the box. Hes still rocking the beard. I still don/t care for it. Pete throws the lollies in my direction as hes had enough. Sam bids us farewell as shes off to Johnnys to see Ash and Charlie. Ball up in the pies 50 Cox grabs it and turns round and snaps from 30 for Coxs best goal and the pies are killing it 26-6. FROM the bounce Phillips is pinned but Stephens crumbs to Thomas and its raining goals 32-6. Crisp gets a free as a Dees fan is moaning in the crowd. We scream get back to the snow. Shit free as Matrix is done for holding even though he had no chance. All umpires love Melbourne. Fact. Crisp to Dole Cheque as hyphen has a shot and we/re up and about hi 5ing and clicking but we find out its not a goal. The Dees take it up there end. And we see a sprint for the ball in the Dees 50. The Dees bloke soccers it but its out of bounds. We want deliberate. That Melbourne bloke Hogan gets mentioned. Ive been waiting for him as I want Pete to do his Colonel Klink HOOOOGGGGANNNN. Pete doesn/t disappoint. Dees goal and for fuck sake theres a Melbourne fan in the front bar screaming. We aint used to this. I mean Melbourne fans up and about and opposition fans, its strange. I don/t like change. He lifts his shirt and says hes going to Mt Bulla and starts skiing. Hes actually pretty good. . Matrix free to Thomas to Brownlow, Phillips to Howe has a run  an outstanding run but its a poster. We discuss Scharenberg with the lot and what should be on it. Fred and Pete say double cheese runny egg pineapple. Beetroot optional. I say what bout bacon. I get shot down.

Quarter Time

Collingwood 35

Melbourne 12

BT says its a good start, Thanks BT, we needed that pointed out to us. Pete tells us starts like this will make us win. Who needs commentary with comments like that. We see a Melbourne bloke that has a Gary Lyon mono brow. The six million dollar man goes inside 50 as Howe marks, but turnover sees Dees goal. I should say that at the Balaclava Pints are now $8. They used to be 6 but on public holidays they add 10% charge. Today they are a standard 8, so they done right by us today. Ollie tells me $8 pints are not specials and are here to stay. Sign what a dream we were living with $6 pints. We ave $5 schooners of Furphy. When is there ever going to be a VB special? I cant stand this discrimination.  Dees goal and that fucking bloke is skiing. Pete says we should shut the door. BT tells Tim Watson the Dees need more goals. Genius. Wonder if thats the advice Tim Watson dished out when he was coach at St Kilda for ten minutes. Matrix goals and puts his hands on his ears. Fuck you Mike Sheehan as we go to 41-24 and for our celebration we try and do a Matrix but I can barely fall on my back  The six million dollar man does a mongrel of a kick to go inside 50, money has really fucked with him, but a great smoother by Dunn stops the Dees scoring. Sidie taps to the Barista as John walks in a joins as. Always a pleasure aving him at the table. We need his consultation on the hyphen on what order we need to do it in. Dees score and John walks back and tells me the keg is being changes. Talk bout shit news all at once. I was expecting cheers from that Dees fan buts hes gone. Probably went up to the snow to celebrate but he blew is load too soon. Wells limps off as Tim Watson decides to play doctor and try and diagnose him. Stick to your fence sitting comments Tim. At this point we discuss last week when we said we should drink a screwdriver when Phillips scores. I ask John whats in it. He says orange and vodka. Oh, its that simple. Langdon to the Million dollar man to Stephens who drops the ball but manages an amazing drop off the boot for goal off the year 49-37 game. Stephens again has a shot but its a fucking dripple kick as he kicks a crucial point. Daicos to Scharenberg with the lot as we discuss whats on with the lot again. Fred says white bread cut like triangles. I say toasted but again shot down. Run from the evil million dollar man as he passes to crisp as we bang elbows perfectly this time as Hyphen goals. My Dingley correspondent Tim says hes starting to like him. Hes jumping on the bandwagon as I say ive always loved him. The fuck he been the last three seasons. Dees bloke has a shot as Fred tells me hes Brownlow favourite even though I dont know him, Stiffler says whats on his mind. Ah kick the goal, what a flog.  Quarter ends with a Josh Thomas special, see ya ay the POW josh.

Half Times

Collingwood 63

Melbourne 44

We start the third quarter in fine fashion with the million dollar man to Cox and Daicos is ten out from goal but the goose handballs and is smothered as Dees get it out. His dad would never do that. Stephens is pinned and BT says I don/t know why the umpire paid that as if hes the supreme being and needs to be consulted on future umpiring calls. As the Dees go forward and the Shag drags the ball for a rushed. Fred says he wants the game to end with ten seconds to go and Howe marks and kicks. Pete adds more saying Howe passes to Shag and he scores and we all run on the field like hes kicked 100 and we all rub his beautiful hair. I need to introduce him to the beer wash. Dole Cheque to Cox and the Cox experiment is working 69-45. Dunn does a great play to prevent goal Cox trys to tackle but the bloke is too small Dees goal. Wells is back, so much for Dr Watson and Nurse BT as they said he was done with their diagnose as Brownlow goals and we raise three fingers, but we figure it was Thomas that goaled and I get blamed for saying it was Brownlow. I say I was just going what the callers said, Fred tells me as if theyd know.  But we bounce back with Stephens kicks a goal off his back 81-51. Then we come to worst umpiring call ever, Adams dives on the ground and the Dees bloke runs into him and falls and Adams is done for dangerous play. Umpires really do support the Dees in case I aint said that. Umpires goal again to Dees. I want Razor back. The commentary box are really earning their money when BT says Melbourne ave reduced the margin and Stiffler says theres a long way to go with ten minutes left in the 3rd to play.. But the Pies respond with Phillips (we need to get a screwdriver at the Bala one day. Not when George is serving) as ace run to Dole Cheque to the Hyphen whose in career best as we go 87-65. John points out the Shag has hair like the girl from Dirty Dancing. BT says Dees need to come back. Hammer says both teams want a top four spot but everyone wants to get top two. Does he ave writers for this shit? Cox takes a mark more Dees fans on TV are angry we scream sit down, and BT makes the claim at seven foot Cox is tall as he gets his forth 95-71.. We got 2:15 to play but Stiffler says theres two minutes and change left. He should sack the bloke with the cue cards he reads off. As BT says the Dees need a goal. The Dees go forward with 50 to play but we turn over and make something out of nothing as Dole Cheque goals after the siren as its looking harder and harder for the Dees now.

3 quarter Time

Collingwood 101

Melbourne 71

Dees come out swinging but Howe tackles Dees bloke as last act and im calling game over already. Jones misses and we see Wells on the sideline. GG graces us and he has glasses on. Gordon texts saying hes loving this and cha cha cha. Pete asks if there was three chas, and I confirm he did, as Cox gets a bag. Five goals and its 107-73. Keith asks if Port Melbourne are winning. The backline is in fine form as I rip off the id of my fags and proclaim THE LIDS OFF. . BT clams the Dees lost their mojo. Did they ever ave it as Adams goals 114-73 as GG saves his beer as we cha cha cha as GG says he could deal with this for four quarters. Brownlow goals 121 -79 Fred proclaims Curse of Diablo, as Pete tells John the time we watched the footy at the POW (our old footy room) and some guy brought all this cheese but no crackers. We were mystified. Was like the other night I brought cheese dip and crackers, but then I would ave cheese but run out of crackers or run out of dip. As of writing I ave cheese unopen and half a box of crackers but no dip. Its no way to live. Hyphen goals as Fred says lets make Dees the next Gold Coast. Tim Watson says back to the drawing board. Comments like that is why the only coached a few games. Dees kick straight to Hyphen and Stephens goals, Pete gets one more HOOOOGGGGGGAAAANNNN BT says its all over with eight seconds to go.

Collingwood 133

Melbourne 91

After the game Pasci walks in with a Roman helmet he found in hard rubbish and its as Tony Martin says the definition of too much fucking fun as Jen Dawn walks in to see me wearing the helmet. Jen was there representing us with Richard and Bernie Clifford. A few more beers and a million fags and its time to go home, not before I buy more crackers and dip (capsicum for those playing at home).

The Dees played their biggest game in years and they blew it. The Pies? We/ve arrived. We got the bye this week but with three very winnable games coming up, the West Coast game could be a top four clash. Dear to dream? Oh fuck year. And to my Melbourne friends, enjoy the snow. If there is any.

Whats happening for the bye, what everyone should be doing. Im gonna watch the Number 96 movie, maybe take a walk, I dunno, see me at the Bala buy me a drink.

Brownlow Votes

John had the idea of giving out votes for the table, or me mates and there football exploits during the week. Enjoy as this could be the first and only time I do it.

3 votes  Bernie Carr for staying till the fourth quarter f the Saints game and getting just in time for Cold Harbour

2 Votes John Butcher for working ridiculous hours but still making it to watch the game. And thanks for the beer

1 vote Jen Dawn for coming to the Balaclavia both before and after the game.

Im gonna work on a sign of line during the bye weekend. Something like keep on punching. Actually I might just steal that.



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