Round 14 v Carlton

Last week the Pies had the bye, so me Fred Pete and Viv watched the Number 96 movie. My mate Bret says living in a setoff flats he reckons that show was bullshit and not true t life. In was gonna do a review of that but was laughing so much I couldn/t take notes. So its good to ave footy back and the Pies are playing the biggest heels in the game (wrestling term for bad guys), the Baggers.

The Community Cup is on today but I aint attending even though I love Vic Park. I loved going down to Elsternwick Oval for the event, I also loved our pre match ritual of going to the street bar before the game. One time I showed up with a Megahertz and Collingwood scarfs. The great man Johnny Kicks said can you be any more of a cunt. And there was the time when a mother said her and her kids would not eat at the restaurant next to the street bar until we left. Good Times.

Sunday starts with something completely different. I find myself getting strange looks like you don/t belong here boy as I walk into the St Kilda Yacht club to see one of my favourites the Originals. They do a killer set. I ave a fag on the balcony and tell Rosie I aint been here before and Rosie says why would you? True. While there I bump into my dear and wonderful friend Jo who/s with Colin. I tell them I must leave for the game and they decided to join me. We jump on the tram to our office the Balaclava as Scott the singing Scott jumps on. I always ave time for him. Hes possibly my favourite male vocalist, love seeing him with the Maryhillbillies. Hes wearing a saints scarf and tells me they had the bye, meaning this weekend was a good weekend for the team and him. We arrive three minutes before the bounce as me and Scott part ways and wishes the Pies luck. Scott takes his usual table in the front bar while I try and grab a table in the office but for fuck sake they got the fucking rugby on. Never fear, I grab a booth which has a telly and me Jo and Colin hold court in conference room.  Carlton bloke with long sleeves grabs the ball, the sleeves should ave been retired when Silvagni retired. He was for me the dirtiest player in the game until Steven Baker came along. But for fuck sake I see several blues players with the sleeves. Fucking weak as piss. Langdon is wearing sleeves, but thats ok, because,…ah.  The Shag has a shot but cant convert. Hudo says hes in career best. Certainly his best year in the black and white. Josh Thomas to Phillips but nothing comes off it, it means I wont be drinking a screwdriver any time soon. Adams taps the ball from a long-sleeved Carlton player, Hudo says the Pies faithful love him because he always as crack. Well if hes not aving a crack he wouldn/t be in the team, for fuck sake. Avaing a crack is the least we could ask from him.  The Blues score two quick goals. Hmm that wasn/t in the script.  My man the Hyphen kicks out on the full, while the six million dollar man gets on the board to get the Pies a crucial point. Jo then tells me how she saw Tim Rogers on Friday night. She keeps meaning to get Tim to sign her book but she aint got the book on her when she sees him, so Tim very kindly signed a piece of paper from his notebook for her to put in the book. What a top fella. No sleeves Carlton player kicks to Philips in the Blues 50, Gary Lyon says bad kick, I liked it.  Dunn punches the ball from a long sleeve player, fuck the Blues ave really brought there A game today. There all over us like a cheap suit. Which is all Carlton can afford these days due to the salary cap issues and whats left over going to Judd. Brownlow to Dole Cheque tackled by that turncoat Daisy Thomas. Daisy is the Iron Sheik of the team, the most heated of all. I never liked him at Collingwood so just another reason not to like him. I remember him being on game day on Seven when he was at Collingwood and was asked bout rumours whether he was going to resign, and he said he needs money in his pocket. How much money you need? Kids. Gordon Greco was wrong, greed is not good. Fuck him. He laughs and smiles. Whys he smiling for? Maybe because hes playing a team thats actually been relevant the last fifteen years. Mark from the hyphen Roos says Howe is underrated. Really? Everyone rates him. If they don/t they don/t deserve to be experts. The Samurai soccers but cant goal. We cant do anything. We cant even organize a piss up at the Balaclava.  Punch from the Matrix to Daicos to Wells to the million dollar man but again we butcher it up forward. This is pathetic as bucks looks annoyed.  Finally some order is restored at Stephenson marks. And the reliable kick he is kicks truly. 12-8. No sleeves kicks a behind as Daicos to Josh Thomas and this is more like it, however its a turnover and a late punch by Howe is no good. Gary Lyon calls it a team mark. Did they hold his hand while the marked it? No sleeves goals fuck this day wasn/t how I planned it out to be.  Cox cant mark, nothing is going to plan. At this stage we get a helicopter shot of the G. Looks not very full. These two teams could get 60,000 minimum every time, even if there both struggling. Sad times. Mr Reliable Stephenson has another shot with that weird way he rolls the ball but he can do whatever he wants as he can kick the ball the proper way. Not many blokes you can say that about . 18-14. our great friend Gordon comes to the table as Dole Cheque goals and the Pies take the lead for the first time and we get cha cha chaing.  Blues get their own crucial point as its all tied up going into the first break

Quarter Time

20 apiece.

Gordon and I go for a fag as Johnny and Juzzi walk past. These two are the definition of blokes you can trust. As I get another beer I demand we get the real football on the big TV and the nice barman helps out. Unfortunately I didn/t think to get the sound turned up. Daisy looks smug, why I don/t know. A long sleeve bloke is unfortunately injured and needs to be taken off. I don/t mean to make light of the injury (don/t like seeing anyone get hurt) but I cant help but thinking of professional wrestling, when a heel wants to get even more heat after he is injured he/ll demand two referees help him to the back, this poor fella needs two runners to help him out. Bucks looks tired and Gordon says he needs to lose the facial hair and mentions theres a lot of biffo today. Its the big rivalry so why not? The six million dollar man passes to Dole Cheque, 40 out on an angle, not good off the boot but it comes back but not enough 29 plays 20. Collingwood royalty Nat McGuane walks in and asks why I aint at the cup. I pointed at the telly and said this is why. She said of course and knows I made the right call. Nat is one of our biggest supporters. One day i/ll tell the story she told me of when he cousin Mick left the Pies for the Blues.  The Shag is down Jo tells the baggers to get off him. Dunn to Sidie to the Shag again but fucks up and kicks to no sleeves Blues player at what should ave been a free to us. The blues really are heels like in wrestling when the heels cheat when the ref has his back turned. Like Classy Freddie Blassie with his cane hitting the babyfaces. Even more cheating when no sleeves passes to no sleeves but was so not 15. But gets what it deserves with a Howe punch. We take it up our 50 as my man the hyphen marks. I freak out as I forget the order do we hyphen or cha cha cha first and since Jo is new im worried what to do. But he passes to Dole Cheque and misses. At that point are president, and also Rockdogz president Fred and CEO Pete walk in from the Community Cup. They say both teams kick one goal each at half time.  Matrix goals 37-27 as Tim from Dingley texts to say captains goal and proves Mike Sheehan. Fred mentions how Mad Rad was not going to the cup this year as they ave outlawed streakers. I remember when it was played at Elsternwick one year they had a whole family. Sigh. So much for fun for the whole family. Pete takes charge and gets the remote and gets the sound up. Thats why hes got the CEO title that I gave him.  That takes us to the main break as its a ring a ding ding with both teams going at it. The umpires saying calm down. Like they care. Razor Ray wouldn/t put up with that. I miss Razor. Mostly cause I like saying Fuck off Razor.

Half Time

Collingwood 38

Carlton 27

Its time for a fag and another beer as Fred tells me the saddest story i/ll hear all year, what ive called Cangate. As mentioned Fred and Pete where at the Community Cup earlier, and where given VIP treatment. Id be offended if these guys wheren/t VIPs wherever they went, they deserved it. Anyway, being VIPs they were given free piss and no lining up. Unfortunately some people aint VIPs and had to line up. Some poor son of a bitch had to line up and line up for ages, bout an hour. He finally got his beers, unopened, he opened em aving the beers spray on the ground and then dropping them. Everyone round in line saw what happened. Now im not a pisshead, oh wait, I am. Anyway, but being in line for an hour wouldn/t you get on your knees and lick it up? Or is that just me? Sigh again. Don/t judge me. We see David king interview Brownlow who says he really wants to win. Hes a future expert commentator. Fred again reminds us he looks like Kryten from Red Dwarf. We see footage of the Auskick kids but being Foxtel thankfully we/re speared Steve Stiffler interviewing the kids, where the kids clearly aint happy being in his -presence. They know him and his brother suck. Scott the Scott in the toilets ask how its going, I say we need to lift. We/re doing the things we do just not converting at the last stage. Its like we know the plan and we get plenty of it we/re just missing easy targets or shoots. We need to lift.

Start of the third quarter Pete says if we win we/ll go to fourth. Thats why hes Percentage Pete. Paul Roos gives some great insight by saying if the Collingwood player was on his man, the Blues man would not be kicking for goal right now. Premiership coach right there people. As he goals Fred says we should ave never had the bye, I say hang on. If we didn/t ave the bye we wouldn/t ave been able to watch the Number 96 movie. It was worth it for that. I love Vera. Long sleeves to no sleeves Shag messes up as Hyphen hits a bloke. Blues score and take the lead. Juzi asks me what I will do if Carlton win. I say i/ll be wearing a paper bag on my head as I take the first plane out to Russia. But its short lives as Brownlow goals 45-40. Stoopid kick from Blues player straight to Stephenson from 40 out. He aint gonna miss and he doesn/t 51-40. Daisy is tackled. Hahahahahaha. . The six millions dollar man is tackled but Scharenberg with the lot picks it up. Pete says with the lot has egg. I ask runny and Pete confirms, but Pete also says onion on the side. Hmmm. Anyway with the lot to samurai as Daicos messes up a kick. Hes not his dad that for sure. YET. David King tells us next five minutes are crucial for Carlton despite the fact theres still a quarter and a half to play for fuck sake. Errol to Hyphen as Rob and Viv walk in to make it the biggest table yet. Viv is in the lions den being the one baggers fan here. Dole Cheque to Hyphen as he puts it out of bounds as Cox from the tap minors. And the Samurai misses. Robs not happy with the points but I tell him there crucial points as the commentators would say and not to worry. Crisp marks in 50 kicks to my man the Hyphen and we all go round the table and bang elbows and cha cha cha as we go 20 points up. The Pies are doing it for Vera. Blues goal, whatever. And thats bout it for that quarter.

Three quarter Time

Collingwood 60

Carlton 46

Start of the quarter starts with Matrix kicking to 50 and the Six Millions dollar man marks, Viv calls cheat but Rob points out hes got the gooie hands. Cheat or no cheat he goals 66-46. Takes us ten minutes to go and click clap round the table. Blues go in 50 and she wants a mark and unfortunately its a Blues player. No sleeves I think. Cox has a shot from round 60 but falls short. Great kick though.  We see a bloke from Carlton who I call wannabe Shag as the real Shag marks in 50, Viv wants him to handball. Great tackle from Cox lead to the Hyphen marking and another trip round the table as be bang elbows. The cha cha chas are out of synch.  A Carlton bloke takes mark of the year on Langdon but kicks to a two on one contest in our favour. Sums up where the Blues are at.  Brownlow is down. Tim is on the blower not happy as Stephenson goals 78-53. If Brownlow aint playing whose gonna get the votes and be the new Brownlow. I want the Shag or the hyphen.  Viv says that we aren/t much of a team due to the sloppiness of our cha cha chas. Viv saying being solo shes always keeps time.  Blues go forward and we see another Howe special and Gary Lyon says you cant kick to the opposition if you want to win. You hear that Blues? Samurai passes to the Six millions dollar man but errors. Pete says his values gone down surely. I say hes worth a pint and bowl of chips. No sauce or gravy boat. Daisy moans hahahahaha cop that turncoat. Fred wants Howe to end this with a goal but sadly we get nothing as the blower ends this.

FULL TIME

Collingwood 79

Carlton 59

We click clap and cha cha cha one more time as Gordon bids us farewell as Nat joins us in the celebrations. I ave a fag with Johnny and Juzi as they play the horses, Johnny says if they win they/ll go to Inkerman, if they lose their going to Inkerman as I say goodbye to them. Pete and Rob order food, thankfully no toothpicks this time. Viv orders cake with side of ice cream but no ice cream. Poor form balaclava. Im on the road as I head to Lyrebird for the Large Number 12s. Charlie Sam and Penny are here. I walk in as the boys do all the boys get caught out in the rain. I unfortunately miss the song where Horse and Wes do beautiful harmonies. First song they do the second set is one of my favourite songs Guardian Angle. My mate Bret is there and he tells me that everyones is fighting for second as the Tigers are gonna stay on top. After the set and a day of beer sandwiches (hold the bread) a crash on the coach and see State of origan and the world cup, both I ave no interest in and turn the telly off and crash.

An ugly win but a win and four points. The Suns and Dons in the next two weeks we must win those games make finals and be taken seriously. I think we should name our table at the Balaclavia. I think we should name it Hotham Table after that Melbourne bloke at the bar whoes probably in the snow as of writing. Think he should saty there as Melbourne or on the down slide

Til next week GO PIES

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