Round 15 vs Gold Coast

After getting over the old enemy last week the pies look like a lock against the Suns. Lets hope they treat their opponents with respect. So the Socceroos are outta the world cup. Everyone is blaming my name sake Matt Ryan but how shit are we that he needs to save all those goals. And world cup time means I ave to endure that smug git Craig Foster. Hes in BT territory of badness. Last world cup when we lost two nil to the Dutch he said Australia would ave won that game, if the whole Dutch team was playing for Australia. Think of all the grand finals that could ave gone the other way if you put that logic to the test. But im loving Lucy Zelic. Don/t know why people are complaining. As the L7 said the masses are arses, she one of the few good sports personalities on the tv right now. Anyway on to real football, we start the day at Dogs for the launch of this very website. Congratulations to Fred, Pete and the Randsta on all their hard work. Oh and Pete watch out for the Randsta, he may make a move on the CEO role. But seriously congratulations on all the hard work and thanks for letting me write this rubbish im loving being a qualified sports reporter. Hunter S Thompson started as a sports reporter, I wonder if he had to deal with no sound at the pub and rugby on the telly when the footy should be on when he started writing? Me Bernie One and Jo Gay are joining me, Jo is a Tigers fan and wants to see what all the fuss is watching a Pies game with us.

We walk in into the Balaclava ten minutes to six, Bernie informs me my fly is open. An hour and a half before the bounce wo got to kill.  Theres no fucking Foxtel on the main telly in the Bistro so we ask the friendly manager Linda to get Foxtel on. One of the nice staff walk past looking for the remote and I realize im holding it the whole time. Eventually he walks past and we get Foxtel and catch most of the second half of the Crows Eagles game. Bernie is cheering for the Crows as it will help us secure second spot. Bernie and Jo exchange banter re our respective teams. Jo is playing the heel tonight saying the Pies aint on the Tigers level. Bern and Jo also make claims our respective teams are on some sort of drugs. I see on one of the screens Barry Hall is on the news. Hes made a statement something like im sorry yada yada I respect women yada yada yada. Geez what a flog. My problem with his sacking is that if someone that actually mattered like Judd made that statement, not that he would be that fucking stoopid to make a statement like that would he ave been sacked? Also Damien Barrett came out and read MMMs statement and also condemned Baz, despite the fact he laughed when me made the comment. As much as I love the game I hate his meathead culture it his developed and protecting their own. I remember Gary Lyon called Nick Kyrgios a prick for a sledge bout another player aving sex with his opponents girlfriend. While I don/t disagree with that word used to describe Nick I can never take Gary seriously after the fling with Billys wife. Gary also said people who call the Footy Show Sexist are ill informed wankers. All you need to know bout that knob. Tex does a great soccer as we discuss this infamous camp the Crows had this year. Gone the days when you can just ave a beer with the team and ave a laugh, now it sounds like torture. Again another aspect of the game I got no time for. Jo is on cloud 9 in regard to how the Tigers are doing as she should be. Hate to say it but there in great form this year and I think everyones chasing them. Don/t mean to be cocky but I think its a lock we will win but we need to win big tonight to make a statement to show we can be on the Tigers level.  I see on the tellly the recap of last nights Cats Dogs game. I just remember that Brue in his wisdom said with 90 second to go and with the Dogs up nine points he said think its safe to say, then waited 20 seconds to call it the Dogs are home. Of course Ablett goaled with 30 seconds to go and now the cats ave a chance to win the game after the siren but then I see the whole Bulldogs team, as well as their runner and the bloke pulling beers at the bar are on the mark and the cats miss. Can they seriously do that? And DD (Dangerfield as I call him to make him sound less dangerous) missed a goal within three minutes to go. Thats why I never rated him. Jo tells us the Pies won/t win saying we don/t ave the depth while Bernie says we won/t stop winning and we/re on track for a dynasty. Brayden Sier Is the new face in Hell tonight, lets see how he does tonight. The Randsta joins us for a quick beer as does Lucian, while we are joined by Deb and Richard and Dicko joins us. I always got time for all them. And St Kildas best barman Mad Rad is behind the bar. Top night ahead

Wet Toast go down to the Crows, and to my horror the Pies game has not sound. After the horror that was Cangate, Chipgate and Toothpickgate we now ave Soundgate. Can we go one week without a gate happening?  The bounce takes place and we/re racing. Murray gets a touch with Dicko calls Murrycod. Uh, I never thought of calling him that? Scharenberg with the lot also gets a touch and Dicko sings bird is the word. Again I didn/t think for that. We need him with us every week. Stuart Dew or Grimace as Dicko coins him is standing up while Bucks appears all alone in the box, showing what the Pies think of the Suns. Or the whole coaching staff took a sickie. I mean for me going to Queensland would be a punishment for me so I don/t blame em. Shit free sees suns off to six points in front. The Shag kicks inside 50 but the Samaria cant mark, as Rich tries to fix the sound issue by getting the radio on his phone. Only problem is radio is on 40 second delay. Soundgate is my least favorite gate so far. Pies go inside 50 as a great soccer from Thomas sees us off the mark and the Pies are away. The nice bloke behind the bar gives us sound as I pop but then boo as I hear Jonathan Brown is calling. He sounds like hes drunk two bottles of Jack Daniels while eating gravel and developed an Eastern European accent, and someone called Brendon Speed. Who? Rich says he things hes a soccer caller. Bah. At least no Steve Stiffler. The Six Million dollar man goals as we/re on fire and we see a Howe special from a Dole Cheque kick. Tap from Samurai to Matrix but straight to Suns as The Shag takes it over. Hes been great the Shag the last month doing lot of dirty under the radar play. We hear Nicky Del on the boundary, sounds like I thought hed sound, boring, or as Dicko says like hes giving cooking instructions. A couple stand and watch the game for a second. The lady is a Dees fan whose giving it to us as we say go back to the snow (my new favorite footy insult) while the fella is a Pies man. I like him immediately. She claims there kids will all be Dees fans as the bloke just stares at the telly.  A dog act is done on Maynard G Krebs but we get nothing. I want Razor back. Rich says we/re playing down to the Suns level, sadly he aint wrong, this is terrible footy from the pies, we cant hit a target and when we do we drop em. Dicko starts a discussion on Josh Frasier, a favorite of mine unlucky to play in the 2010 flag. I feel Malthouse fucked him playing him in the ruck when he should ave been forward. He didn/’t ave a ruckmans body. But Dicko makes the point he had a good career as a number one draft pick while Jack Watts also a number one has done fuck all. Bernie says everyone the Pies has sent to the Dees has fucked em up (Dawes anyone) while everyone from the Dees that has come to the Pies has been outstanding (how goods Howe?). Six Million dollar man to Daicos to a suns bloke. Daicos shows promise but he needs a spell in the twos. Dunn to Philips to Dole Cheque as Cox makes his first appearance but does nothing with it. Snap from Cox in the 50 to Stephenson, easily the rising star of 2018 but its a poster to make it 21-20 as we take the lead. Free to Crocker sees us up 27-20 as that takes me for a fag break.

Quarter Time

Collingwood 27

Suns 20

Out the front I see Nigel, top bloke he is. He tells me him and Matty O ave had a jam with their band Dino Bravo playing at Off the Hip next month, a gig this writer is putting on (more on that later). Cant wait to see them play. Maynard G Krebs gone for not getting rid of the bloody thing but shit kick sees Pies with the ball sidie goes forward as Stephenson minors. Errol is also given a free but gets nothing. Sier does a great kick to the 50 to Stephenson  in a one on one contest, he does a dribble kick but ill forgive him as he goal 34-20. Dicko says hes faster than Kate Moss on a straight line. A GC takes a great mark but minors HAHA. The hyphen does a great thumping kick but Dole Cheque cant mark as Bernie says its due to gravity as the Cheque is down as Cox tries to pick the ball but but hes too big to grab the ball  but the Samurai from nowhere minors. Fuck sake its been up our end the whole quarter and we/re chipping away with points. We cant play like this against better teams we/ll get creamed. Dole Cheque to Shag as Cox marks. Hes in range and hes got his attitude face, the one he gave Daisy last week, what a arrogant fool he is as Cox goals 41-21. Thomas does an amazing goal of the year candidate as we go 47-21. One of my favorite Collingwood alumni Witts is aving a shot for goal, I always liked him and thought he was unlucky when he played for us to not get more game time. Bernie screams you loved us once as he shanks it completely and gets fuck all for his efforts. The Pies take it straight up the end for another Thomas goal as Bernie remind him he owes us. 53-22. As the Samurai has a shot, this Speed Character mentions Grundys last name and says its a famous tv name. sure it is, but its no Abigail or Candy Raymond, or Vera from Number 96 oh I love her. Suns fuck up as a thumping Phillips kick  to the Hyphen as he takes a great mark but the silly boy passes to Thomas. He marked but Hyphen should ave kicked as I wanted to bump elbows. Never mind as Thomas gets his threepeat 60-22. After the bounce pass to Maynard G Krebs and a thumping kick from 60 means the suns are on the ropes 66-22. Matrix handballs between suns blokes legs surprisingly it doesn/t work. Cox should be awarded a free but no dice as i call the umps racist.

Half Time

Collingwood 66

Gold Coast 28

Dicko takes us back to Maxwells first Pies game when he got toweled up, he also mentions Alex Rances first game when Antony Rocca put on a clinic on him. OVERRATED HE IS. Back to the broadcast, Matrix scores a captains goal to take us 74-28. Cox to Dole Cheque to Stephenson as he runs into an open goal as the friendly manager Linda walks past and declares game over. My man the Hyphen gets on the board with a minor as we see Daicos senior in the stands not looking happy. Stephenson marks from 50 but can only minor as Alistair Lynch makes a crack that he would really really liked to kick that goal. We see lonely Bucks in the box again I should ave brought the shoehorn to this game so I could talk to him.  The hyphen gets in on it passing to Stephenson as he goals 86-28. The bloke in the booth with his family is moaning looks as us. Everytime we cheer he just gets more and more annoyed. Well hes wearing a Saints scarf so cant be a happy life. Hey fella if you wanted a nice evening you should ave turned round when you say me. Clever tap from Dunn, hes been brilliant for us since he came from the Dees, another winning raid from the Dees, at least they got the Snow. Thomas has a run but is tripped but no free, I want razor back. NOW. Suns run into an open goal but cant convert, we run it up the other end as some suns cunt karate kicks Sidie and gets not even a look from the umps. Fucking maggots. Matrix does that fucking dribble kick and misses. I HATE THAT KICK. KICK A DROP PUNT OR A THORP. Shag minors but it means he/ll get a game next week. Sidie is off for the blood rule while Adams minors. We see Grimace in the box, at least its one Queensland team coach I know. Dunn is also off and hurt while the Suns kick two goals in a row. And I hear that fucking fanfare four times in a row as the suns are going for a fivepeat. Dunn is seen walking so looks ok. Sons bloke with a shit mo misses as we cut to Grimace as Bernie says unfortunately Grimace cant delist him on the spot as its fag time as that bloke at the end of the bar we call that that sometimes joins us takes a seat.

Collingwood 89

Gold Coast 49.

Two blokes are waiting at the bar on the bistro, the bar thats never opened. I tell them go to the other bar but they walk out. I call it the bar from the Shining, while Dicko says the bartender is the ghost of Tony Jewell as bloke I call mate is gone, yet his bag and beer are still there. Later when they shut the public bar he tries to get in but cant. BAGGATE. Suns are given an umpires goal after a stooped 50. To be fair it was the right call over someone crossing the mark but after the Bulldogs had everyone on the mark on Friday night I will never take that rule seriously again.  Pies go in to 50 thanks to the Hyphen but hes down,. Hes my boy, we need him. I NEED HIM. Please be alight hyphen. . Cox gets a free but nothing happens. Langdon runs thirty meters with no bounce and surprisingly doesn/t get pinned for holding but does nothing. This is fucking frustrating to watch, this is possibly the worst quarter of football ive ever seen. We hit the post. This is pure shit, cant stand this. At this point Mad Rad calls last drinks. AT 9:30. Fuck sake. Mind you this is turned to shot and Mannequin Death Squad are on at 10 so I would love to fuck off now. I I don’t want to hear that fanfare again. Thankfully Stephenson gets a goal to take us to 97. Come on we need to get to the ton. We see the live ladder and see where second on the ladder thanks to percentage. This Speed guys says percentage is important. Thanks I was wondering what the point of percentage is. The commentary box takes time to talk bout the state of the Suns. Alistair Lynch says how when the suns and Giants are down Vic clubs will pounce and raid em. Oh, raid a club that the AFL introduced and gave every advantage to. You want me to feel sorry for em? No thanks. The Pies kick two more points, this game is so boring I taker a piss break as the pies are left stranded on 99 in one of the worst quarters of football ive ever seen.


Collingwood 99

Suns  60

Well the game was shit BUT SECOND ON THE LADDER. WOOOOOOOOO. Rich and Deb kindly give me a lift to the Vineyard for MDS as they play a killer set. Nick greets me by saying seriously you watched a whole Suns game? As David Puddy says gotta support the team. The next day the Saints got up over Melbourne. Knew they where Pretenders. Cross them off the final four. And the Bombers put up a great performance over the Roos setting up next weeks Pies Dons clash to be a ripper. And the six million dollar man the gooster has resigned, ripping news. Im sure whatever money Collingwood paid will pay off his tab and speeding fines he copped when he was pulled over. Again I make excuses. What he did was fucked but hopefully he/ll pull his head in and come good. Hopefully more Dane Swan than Ben Cousins. At least the Gooster didn’t do a runner from his car.

As said next week against the Dons will be a ripper. Happy second on the ladder to you all, see you at the Bala next week for more rants and hopefully the cha cha chas will be back


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1 thought on “Round 15 vs Gold Coast

  1. Insightful commentary, apparently about some sport called “footy” methinks. Beaut, grouse and fair dinkum truly bluetiful, Matt! Rock on!

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