Round 16 vs Essendon

The Pies are going for a sevenpeat. After coming off two not so impressive wins over two not so impressive sides its a danger game. A few weeks ago I called this a lock but after the Bombers recent form including a good win last week over the Roos is was not going to be easy. My dear mate Juzzy is playing the heel as the token opposing fan this week. He texts me before and tells me Bombers by 17. Lets see if hes right.

I walk into the Balaclava ten minutes before the bounce and see St Kildas best barmen Mad Rad behind the bar. Sadly I misses UFC 226 today. I asked Mad Rad who won and he says some big cut. Given it was a heavyweight fight he aint wrong. Me and me mates Fiona and Jo Gat last night where discussing the money given to Tassie for their footy community. Fiona says if there is ever a Tassie team they should name em after Dark Mofo. The Hobart Mofos sounds ace to me.

Me and Juzzy take place at the table of hate as our CEO Pete walks in with a potato cake from the chip shop on Carlisle Street, best chip shop in Melbourne. Cox is doing jumping jacks to get motivated as I see Nigel Carmody has graduated from the VFL to the main roster. With the Channel 7 commentary box the bar has been lowered. I said last week we will never see another Denis Cometti in our time, but i/ll be open minded. Lets see what ya got Nigel, no pressure at all. Its not like I talk much bout the commentators in these rant. As the game starts Pete brings up Cameron Lings favourite saying, “take the game on”. Its an awful saying. Its like saying something without saying something. Angry Man Goddard is wearing long-sleeves as Pete yells Bradbury and with the sleeves he looks like that ridiculous gold medallist. Only in Australia can you win a gold medal for not even trying. Stephenson marks to ave our first shot and the usual Mr Reliable kicks a minor, well thats what I wrote in my notes but turns out he missed the lot. Cox goes for a mark but cant stay in his hands Scharenberg with the lot has the ball as Pete changes the channel while searching for the sound botton as we desperately try and find the footy. When we returns the bombers are lining up for their first major and convert for first blood. The worlds loudest Melbourne fan Matty for some reason screams go pies. We ask him why he isn/t in the snow with the Randsta. Frankly i don/t know if I want him to say go pies. Hes complaining theres no fire, only a Melbourne fan would complain bout something like that. BT says bombers got the start they wanted. Who would ave through a goal is the good key start. Round this point Terry walks in as I ask him how the fuck did he know we would be here. BT tells us Sidie is giving us some foot candy as he kicks a thumping kick from 55 to make it a goal apiece. Dons take the ball but turnover to Crocker who passes to the Shag who Terry says has been carrying the team, who kicks to Cox and he cant mark again. He can still kick but hes not the consistent mark he was a few weeks ago. Shag to a Dons player but Langdon from behind to Adams to the Six million dollar man to Stephenson who gets another fucking behind. Cox tackles a bloke and I freak out as due to his size every tackle could be seen as too high but common scenes prevails. As opposed to the commentary box as BT says goals are crucial.  Landon has a free from 50, as BT says the Bomber fans are livid. Collingwood/Essendon fans being ropable during a  football game together? For fuck sake. Stephenson has another shot but this time he kicks yours truly as Pies go to 13-8. Juzzy says if the Dons lose they will still win the flag, while I say the team who kicks the most goals will win.  I never get tired of saying that. I see my main man the Hyphen is hurt as a freak out and I may start doing a Nick Riewoldt if he is hurt. Crying that is. . Grundy to Thomas to the Million Dollar Man back to Grundy from 20 as the Pies ave three on the board 19-7. Phillips to Dole Cheque to Cox as he plods through to Daicos from 30 sees four big goals (thats the six point thing that usually wins games) as that takes us to smoko

Quarter Time

Collingwood 25

Essendon 8

BT tells us that the Hyphen is hurt and may be out for the season even though hes shown stretching ready to get back out on the ground. Langdon to Crocker but cant grab. Stephenson has another miss as Nigel says off to the races. Nigel you/ve lost me and I doubt you/ll ever recover/ uim just waiting for him to say its all happening. George of ESPY mixing fame joins us. His first time at the table. I always ave time for him. Thumping kick to Cox but again no mark as Juzzy is still predicting a bombers win. Adams is lining up for a shot as the fucking Foxtel goes down. When it returns we see the score review and Adams gets a one pointer. The Shag gets a touch as Terry gives him ten Brownlow votes and says we owe the whole season to him. I think that could be right.  Last week I didn/t ave Fred Pete or Gordon with me so there was no hi 5s and claps clicks so with Pete here its feels great to be back in our celebration routine. But the Bombers score and Juzzy is getting in on it banging the table with the cha cha chas. I will say he was in sync and in time from the very start. Mind you me and Pete are in Steller form as our cha cha chas ave been in time all day. Dons kick a few to get within five points as Juzzy gets a few cha cha chas of his own. The Bombers fans are livid at the frees as the free count is 17 to 7 in the pies favour which even I think is insane. Sidie goes in to the fifty as the Hyphen is out on the field. So much for Dr BTs diagnoses of the season being gone. Crucial point to the Bombers sees them take the lead. The Pies just scrap the 50 with seconds to go so it all means fuck all as the siren sounds as a Rothmans superking goes straight into my gob

Half Time

Collingwood 28

Essendon 29

Me and Pete go for smoke while GG arrives. With glasses. He asks if the pies ave kicked on as he stopped watching at quarter time. When he asks what happened I say well they kicked more goals. Half time the sack is being interviewed. God I miss him. But glad he got rid of the flop. Was silly. Back to the restart, Cox still cant fuck mark the ball. We cant buy a grab today, really pathetic for this elite competition. Even Howe cant hold onto it. Grundy kicks straight to Goddard, and hes still miserable. Free to Cox as he passes to Thomas to my man the Hyphen. Hey BT is he still gone for the year? Before he kicks BT says something bout 70,000 fans in this big stadium but the actual ground part is very small. So hes a doctor and city planner. Is there anything this man cant do? Hyphen pulls through as me and Pete bang elbows. 34-29. MR Football Waz enters as Nigel tells us each goal is important. Dons hit the lead as Juzzy cha Cha chas. Hyphen to the Six million dollar man bombs it to Stephens who passes to the Million man again but he fails again for fuck sake this is not the skill levels of a top two side. Maynard G Krebbs marks, BT says good time wasting even though he literally held the ball for two seconds. He kicks to the Shag who kicks to a Dons player as it appear all still level has gone out the window. Shit free to Dons on the 50 but gets what it deserves as its a minor. I want Razor back now. Dons players gets a mark as Dole Cheque was standing right next to him and didn/t even try. What a bludger.  Me and GG laugh our tits off when BT makes a South side North side comparison. Shit free is given against Cox but gets what it deserves with out on the full. Cox taps the ball to Matrix to Dons player but he kicks straight to Cox to Dole Cheque to Crisp. Im bout to scream at him for getting pinned but fuck me what a run he does and also what a party trick he has sliding by everyone.  But its all for nothing as he kicks to the six million dollar man and he misses. His value is as much as a T Bone stake at the Balaclava. $10. The margin is seven points, although BT appears to ave missed the day at school they did maths as he asks if its 6 or 7 points. But kick in from the Dons to Dole Cheque straight to the Gooster and redeems himself with a goal means hes back to six million dollars as its now a one point game to the Dons. As I run to the Bar Stephenson kicks from 35 for the Pies to hit the front 47-42. Howe does a mind-blowingly stoopid kick as the Dons punish us for that means its a one point game to their advantage going into the final quarter.

Collingwood 47

Essendon 48

above Juzzy the CEO and someone. Thanks to GG for the pic

Juzzy tells me he has a bad feeling bout this quarter as I see Goddard looking angry. Crisp cant mark as George does a babyface turn and says GO PIES. Pies kick a point and make things level but not for long as the bombers score a major as Juzzy Cha cha chas. Crisp tried to recreate that amazing run but he kicks to a Dons bloke. Dons are lining up for another goal 30 out and if he gets this its gonna be hard to come back. Pete in desperation says chewie on the boot as he misses. Flynn to Dole Cheque to Adams to the Six million dollar man who is now worth however much he wants to be paid as the pies get within one point. Crisp has another run kicks to the Shag as Terry gives him ten Brownlow votes. He passes to Sidie and for some reason hes given a 50 which means he/ll be kicking from 40 out. We all laugh the roof off the pub as BT says Goddard is not complaining. Sidie doesn/t miss the chance as we go seven points up. Straight after the start Grundy taps to Cox as Stephenson goals as we got ten points up as BT says this is disastrous for the Dons. What? Pies kicking more goals? We/re given a free but for some reason the umpire says advantage yet they ave to bring it back. We are given another free eventually after two dropping the balls go through to the keeper as Adams goals to take the score to 72-55. Dons score straight away to take it back to 11 points but the gooster is now the six Billion dollar man as he take the score back to 17 points. Dons run straight up there end but Cox marks which could be enough to give us the whole shooting match. Its taken almost a whole game but we finally get a Howe special. Theres 90 second to go as I say im calling it. I then do a Bruce and wait 20 seconds before I call I game over. And 16 points the margin I say thank your mother for the rabbits

Collingwood 78

Essendon  62

That bloke we call old mate that sometimes sits with pumps his pumps his fist as it’s the first time I see him show emotion that’s not anger as Terry give 20 Brownlow votes for the Shag. After the game a nice fella informs me I need to go to New Mexico even though he says there all nuts and wear guns and he also says he was this close to being murdered. I also see my great mate Nick Haines as we discuss all things footy, and we talk the Collingwood team of the century and try and figure out who was in the ruck. We also talk JFK as it was on the other night and we still don/t know whodunit.

Another not brilliant win but four points is four points. With West Coast, the Kangaroos and Richmond all withing the next month the next few games will really show if we can hang with the eliet teams. Will also give me time to see if BTs theory on kicking more goals will win the game is true or not

So it’s the Eagles next week. 1:10PM start. i/ll be at the Balaclava, see yous there



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