Happy Birthday Mum, Chrisi, Georgia, Millie, Ash, Theresa and most of All to Pete.
Now. The Pies are going alright. Seven on the trot but some people still aren/t rating us. Someone showed me Ricky Nixon bagging us on Facebook. I was shocked. Ricky Nixon, a known creep is relevant in 2018? Hes one of those people that should just fuck off and never come back. And Also Damien Barrett, buts thats ok because no one takes any notice of what he says. When he was announced at Gary Lyons replacement on Footy Classified Mark Robinson said thats like replacing Frank Sinatra with a karaoke singer. Harsh but fair. The Pies are facing a top four team in the Eagles, out biggest test since Geelong On Mothers Day. My Dingley Correspondent Tim tells me Cox is out. Hopefully thats the only bad thing of the day.
After too much pissing round the house which included trying to eat half cooked chips (I gave up on the seventh chip which was still frozen) im running late and the fucking trains are down so im running to get the Balaclava in time for the bounce. I walk in and don/t see any of the usual quorum. Petes at the game but I see no Fred or Gordon. Instead I see a party of bout eight people taking the table we usually sit at. I find this strange then again im never hear this early except when the UFC is on, in that case in front bar I watch it. I see St Kildas Best barman Mad Rad is behind the counter and hear Lust for Life playing on the jukebox, think its a sign today will be ace. As I get a beer I see we/ve kicked two points and I see Fred who just throws his hands up as to say what the fuck with these rude people taking our spot. Oh and theres no fucking sound on the TV. AGAIN. As Fred gets a beer I try and find the footy on one of the tellys in the booth. I try one, no luck. I try the one next door, no luck,. I go back to the other one and the party of pricks are laughing at my feeble attempt finding the game. We finally get the game on and I realized I left my pint in the other booth, more laughed from the party. I don/t care for these people. Must be Carlton fans, there so miserable they need to laugh at something. As Fred enters, we ave a telly with the game and SOUND and we/re eight points up. I see Darcy Moore with bleach blond hair, like Ric Flair or Buddy Rogers or every other wrestler that has the Nature boy nickname. Im calling him Nature Boy from now on. Straight away Thomas goals to go 14-0. Freds prediction is that of we can keep the Eagles to zero we will win. I like that strategy, lets see if we can keep that going. We cut to the commentary box and see Gary Lyon looking as sleazy as youd expect him to be, with most of his shirt buttons open. I never rated him as an expert and he was awful at hosting an awful footytainment show. Hudo says the Pies are surging as Dole Cheque misses. Me and Fred are trying to find Pete in the crowd, Fred mentions they cut off the bar during the last quarter. Poor Pete, im thinking of him right now. We cut to Bucks in the box and we see Bucks has shaved. We seem like we/ve won every game since Bucks has had the beer, just like we/ve won every game since Fred got these footy mouth t shirts made up. Scharenberg with the lot passes to Screwdriver to Crisp whose is pinned for holding, free to the Eagles and we almost get a Howe special, which results in Dole Cheque picking up off to Thomas who gets his second and the Pies are on fire. 20-0. Straight away the eagles get it up there end and score there first six pointer. BOOOO. Gary Lyon says that’s all ya need to get it in the 50. Genius. The Hyphen can/t mark Callum, Son of Rowdy kicks and Howe marks this time as we see Bucks cam in the corner. I should ave brought the shoehorn so I could talk to him. Howe and Kennedy go one on one as Howe comes off second best. Huddo says Kennedy needs to take marks, we really miss Dunn, but not as much as we miss Pete at the table. Screwdriver to Langdon wearing beautiful long sleeves. Gary Lyon says the big names ave kicked goals. Sidebottom is our biggest name, with ten letters and he hasn/t scored. Idiot you are Gaz. Thrown in Grundy tap to the Hyphen who runs in the 50, handball to the Gooster runs into an open goal 27-18 Greenwood gets a free goes backwards to Screwdriver handball to Sidie as Nic Nats waiting and tackles him but Screwdriver recovers the ball, off to Adams to Stephenson but nothing comes of it. The Gooster has a crack but is smothered, shit free is paid as the Shag is seen for the first time, meaning he/ll get a game next week. Moore marks in the defensive 50 as he/s played well today. Langdon lays a tackle and given a free for holding to Stephenson but kicks to a Eagles player Dole Cheque has a shot as Huddo says he needs to be dangerous but just a minor. The Eagles take it straight up the end and miss the whole shooting match as im searching for a light
West Coast 18
I smash a fag in the cage as I see Collingwood royalty Nat McGuane in the front bar as Mad Matty, fresh off appearing naked in last weeks Pub Strip, for some reason gives me a hug. He tells me to pass on a message to Fred, that being GO PIES. I point to him and say, he/s just there tell him yourself. But demands I do it. Never one to not pass on a cha cha cha I comply. Nat also tells me good work on getting up early for this. One of the commentators says down and dirty which makes me smile as I think of Down n Dirty With Dutch on Smoky Mountain Wrestling as the great man Gordon enters and we get a Howe special over Nic Nat. Greenwood gets a free but kicks it straight to a Eagles bloke. But he rushes the kick at its to Nature Boy Moore, Adams tumbles in the Eagles 50 which results in a eagles goal as Bucks is outta his chair. After the restart they take it straight up there end as the eagles kick out on the full, as we do the same thing with our free. The Eagle ave another go as Huddo says its all for the Eagles but the poor eagles sod does a fucking dribble kick from 35 out. Doesn/t matter as they recover and goal. Gary Lyon tells us the Eagles ave kicked five of the last six goals which is…….he pauses before he says anything. I don/t know Gaz, thats good isn/t it? You tell me you/re the expert commentator. Good hard pressure from Greenwood and gets a free for his troubles. Nature Boy marks to Dole Cheque passes to Thomas and finally we score as Thomas is on a threepeat, we cha cha cha ,much to the horror of that awful party next to us, they took our table so I get joy annoying these people. Theres eight of em and only one has a drink, and its a fucking coffee. Two crucial points sees us up six points. Rioli goals to make it all square. Two frees sees the Gooster ave a shot which takes us to 43-36. The Gooster has had a good month as Gordon says hes taken the Brownlow role as Daicos lays a great tackle which sees the Shag get a touch. Good for him but ends up giving a free. Varco kicks to the Hyphen but can/t mark. Rare bad form for him. Eagles goal as I run to the bar and talk things over with Mad Rad as the Eagles kicked another goal. Screwdriver kicks to Stephenson as Mr Reliable misses as we/re five points down Nature Boy Moore is given a free as Dole Cheque runs into the 50 but passes to an Eagles bloke. Shag recovers the ball as Maynard G Krebbs misses the lot. Good hit by Sier takes us to the siren.
West Coast 49
Smoke break Fred and Gordon discuss the music and underground comix of the late great Peter Lillie as Jo and Colin Join us. Crisp is pinned early, Eagles go forward but do nothing with it as we see Nic Nat in the rooms with the commentators saying he won/t be back. Pies go forward with a nothing kicks sees nothing come of it. Dole Cheque gets a crucial point. We get another Howe special but does nothing with the kick. Another shit free, I want Razor back. Eagles kick to a two on one contest in the Pies favour. Huddo says the Pies should ave the number to come out on top. Unlike BT he did show up they day they did maths. Kennedy is avng a shot but misses. I put that down to Fred who put his finger up his nose on the telly while he was kicking. Huddo says death touch, whatever the fuck that is. I know the touch of death from the Simpsons, but this wasn/t that. The Gooster has a shoot and scores a major thank fuck. We take it straight up after the bounce as Dole Cheque scores to take the lead back. That bloke at the end of the bar I call mate joins us, hes happy Moore is back in as the Eagles score and make it an even match, as Huddo says you can/t get any closer than this. Again showing off his math skills. Eagles take the lead as I hear Joel Selwood is in the commentary box and he finally says something, something to the tune of they needed that. Fuck sake. Rioli scores again to take the Eagles 13 points up. We win the clearance as the commentators say Pies need a goal. Thanks I was wondering what the issue with the score was. As we discuss Bucks beard, or now lack of beard as Eagles go to 19 up. I wonder if Pete is still at the game. We all agree too much change, we lost our spot, no Pete and no beard on Bucks as Captain Darling hits the post. Dole Cheque has the ball in the 50 but does nothing. Fred talks what action we should do for Dole Cheque, Fred says something to do with Jennifer Anniston as people on the dole ave nothing to do but watch shit telly during the day.
Three quarter Time
West Coast 80
Me and Gordon go for a fag as we are offered a gift card in exchange for a smoke by a fella. We decline. I didn/t even see what the card is. Could ave been for the smoke shop up the road. Damn. As I work into the bar there fucking playing Totos Africa. Then its Howzat by Sherbet. Or is that Sherbs. Or Highway. Fred tells the story of how the Editions played with Sherbs at that wonderful location the Pier Hotel in Frankston. Huddo says next goal is important. How much does he get paid again? Darling kicks a goal as Huddo calls it the killer blow but yet no one is dead. At this stage im looking in the crowd and seeing if Pete is leaving. Dole Cheque goals. Comeback on the cards? Gooster misses as I ask Fred how much hes worth now. Fred said hes worth a stubby. Thats not a stubby with beer in it, thats an empty stubby where you cash it in for five cents in South Australia. Sidie gets the ball as Jo tells us a story about Sidie in the Age, and how he doesn/t go into Subway as they cut their sandwiches not to his liking. Wonder how he likes it? Triangles with no crusts? Eagles score again Wheres Pete? Wheres Razor? Stephenson does a fucking dribble kick as ive given up.
We lost, want the score you can look it up.
After the game Gordon bids us goodbye as me Fred and Jo jump on the tram to see the Originals at Dogs for an amazing set and some of Viv Gayes brilliant art work on display. Geezer is here and asked what the fuck happened to us? I say I know. But being a Richmond fan he knows how we feel. He tells me hes looking forward to reading the footy rant. I said oh yeah cant wait to write this one. But I did tell him you keep reading i/ll keep writing. After a quick meeting with me mates Suzi and Sam im off to Misery Guts for Horse and Wes of the Large Number 12s for a killer set as always with Sam L. I always got time for her. Horse tells me he loves my work. Back at ya Horse.
Clearly not the result we wanted but as Fred says its the loss we had to ave. Dunn and Cox are big outs but Moore was ace in his return. Wonder if we/ll ave any big returns coming next week. With the Roos and Tigers coming up, if we lose those games it could be another season of disappointment. But theres ways we can fix this. First Bucks needs the beard back, we need our regular table back, and we need Pete back. Will these things happen? Read next week to find out.