Round 19 vs Richmond



There I said it. i/ll come back to that later.


Happy Birthday Randsta, Stacey and Pete

The Pies ave a rough road to September, with no certain wins coming up two losses in a row would hurt us, and since its so tight every W is vital. Im not confident going into this game, and with the Gooster out we/re dropping like flys. But more importantly I just want our regular table at the Balaclava back.


Before the game im on my way to the city to ave a power beer with Lisa, and on the journey I bump into my neighbor, one of my favorite people and Richmond fan Fiona, always got time for her. As she leaves me to go to the G neither of us know what to say. She says may the most appropriate team win, couldn/t think of better words to part with. i ave a beer with the simply brilliant Lisa as we discuss the topics of the day outside the Great Southern Hotel in the smokers area which is smaller then an airplane toilet. several fans of both teams walk past. one bloke in a black and white jumper i scream GO PIES but he just looks at me. Mate im on your side what the fuck?

I arrive at the Balaclava right on the bounce as I see it/s a full house in the bistro. At least it/s a football crowd this time but our table is in use. I would ave thought for all the free publicity ive given the place in these rants they would name the table after us, let alone ave it reserved game day for our use. I walk into the front bar and see the CEO Pete and Fred as they tell me we/ll be sitting in the lounge area. I really don/t like change. Theres a group of elderly ladies sitting in front of us, it/s a good thing the Gooster is out as I wouldn/t want to do his celebration in front of them. Already at the table is Freds brother Dez, playing the heel role as the Richmond fan at the table. Mad Matty is here in the front bar and Collingwood royalty Nat McGuane is here, looking nervous like we all are. Matty is surprisingly quiet today as I can/t hear him from where we are sitting, mind you maybe its too far away from the front bar to hear him. We finally get settled, bout four minutes in go 50 for the first time but nothing happens as Anthony Hudson is screaming like this is football, as I really regret calling him a great commentator. A Richmond bloke with a name that sounds like George Costanzia which has Pete saying Cant/ stand ya scores as Hudo says gee they/ll all run and celebrate. Celebrate for a goal no? whata flog. Hudo also says a commentators 101 by saying first blood for the Tigers. Two fucking holding the ball calls against the tigers go unanswered. I really want Razor back but Dez claims there right in letting it go. Nicky Del on the boundary. They really are struggling for commentators these days. To think you got Leigh Matthews one of the all time greats and on the same channel you got Campbell Brown, the only things hes know for was giving Matthew Lloyd cheek on the boundary line one game, he aint informative and he aint clever or funny. Must run in the family. Just a waste of space living in the footy bubble. Scharenberg with the lot does a great tackle on Max Cady as I want a free as Dez tells me to sit down, Hyphen to Sidie to Stephenson as the Shag, who has the ball 30 out. Fuck the roof will explode if he kicks a goal. He kicks its, its on its way, Poster. This will be better than a flag when the Shag finally gets a goal. He/ll also be given a ten year extension. But the kick in is straight to the shag but kicks to the Tigers, Max Caddy to 21 great tackle by the Samurai as another 50 leads to nothing. Chopsticks Martin kicks in the Tigers 50 as Screwdriver thinks hes marked it but no mark as play on but leads to tigers free and goal. Huddo wants 50. Stop cheering you dick. God I miss Cometti. No one will reach his class. Another bloke I can/t recall his name I call mate says we got a 13% chance of winning the flag and walks off. Dole Cheque kicks out on the full. Howe takes another mark of the year to big cox but again nothing comes off it. Finally a free as Daicos Jr goals 13-7 as we start the high 5s and cha cha chas but with this new set up we need to walk round to each other. I really don/t like change. Straight up our end as Langdon goes 50 as free to Brown as he kicks from 40 out as we get within a point 13-12. Great tackle from Cox as he passes to Langdon to Screwdriver but cant find anyone to kicks to as he bombs it, leads to a throw in. From the throw Samurai to Langdon to Greenwood to Stephenson again he has nothing to play with so leads to another throw in. Straight up the other end as Scharenberg with the lot marks but he bombs it which leads to Riewold aving a shot due to out on the full. He kicks as a bloke next to us says he on fire. What after one goal? I feel a hand on my back as its the Captain of the Collingwood wheelchair footy team and all round bloke you can trust Rich. And Happy 21st birthday to his and Debs daughter Mimi. After the restart a thumbing kick from 60 from the tigers sees another goal. As pissed as I am at what im seeing I must give praise, what a kick that was. But son of a bitch a few minutes later a bloke from 60 marks and passes to the same bloke and the exact same goal happens as the Tigers are getting away. He did it once you didn/t think to think he would do the same thing again? And within three minutes. I get the feeling this will be a long day. Nature Boy Moore gives friendly fire with a knee to Howes face as it looks like Howes done for the day. Just what we need another key player done. A stretcher is called but he walks off. Richmond players are giving grief to Moore. What cunts. Howe got more courage and heart than these guys could every dream off. Nature Boy off to the Hyphen as that takes us to smoko


Quarter time

Collingwood 32

Tigers 13


When I return Rich tells we we/re going at 50% kick efficiency. Half way through we were going at 32% so a small win a guess. Gary Lyon mentions this poor kicking rate and says we ave to kick better. Thats why he gets the big bucks. I never got Gary, I never rated him as an expert and hes out of place on variety shows like the footy show. This was the same bloke that said people who call the Footy Show sexist are uninformed wankers. Thomas has a ripping kick as we get off to a better start this quarter 32-19. Thomas gets the ball again as hes tackled high but given nothing as Hudo calls it the Richmond way. What? Dirtiest players in the game? Shut up you Muppet Hudo. We reclaim the ball straight away Screwdriver to Dole Cheque as he does a fucking dribble kick but it works 32-25. Max Caddy goals as after the bounce Screwdriver to big Cox, hes 40 out. Last week Fred threw a spanner in the works by raising our hands high in the air to hi 5 and I ask do we do that again. Cox goals as we raise our hands high 38-31 as our great mate John and Jez enter. Riewoldt Jr misses. Hey mate is he still on fire? The tigers go in the 50 as Hudo says its like a military operation but they  kick to a Collingwood player. Clearly its a shit army. He Hudo, maybe wait til they kick a goal before you blow your load. Stephenson does a great Phil Manassa style run but kicks to Chopsticks. Hyphen marks and passes to Cox as we raise our hands again as with his space we ave its really hard to hi 5. 45-37. Screwdriver to Dole Cheque to the Hyphen. As john asks individual Hyphen celebration. Always individual. 45-43.Scharenberg with the lot has a great run. Again we discuss whats on a Scharenberh with the lot. Runny egg has always been a feature. Pete says caramelized onion, Fred says with Pineapple fritter and chips on the side. I ask Bacon? Fred says he doesn/t like bacon. Free to Greenwood against Dusty, I thought he was gonna pull chopsticks against the umpire. Chopsticks must ave pulled out the sticks as he has a kick for goal before the break as I run to the bar.


Half time

Collingwood 43

Tigers 51


Out back Pete John and I discuss the situation with the Suns saying how they claim their crying poor. A new club made by the AFL given every opportunity every draft pick imaginable is now crying poor. Piss off Gold Cunts. No sympathy from me. Queensland football is on its knees yet Tassie is dying for a team and the AFL odes nothing. Useless that Stifflers Dad that runs the AFL. Restart the Shag marks in the 50 but we/re still denied that goal ive been waiting on. Great run from Dole Cheque to Cox to Greenwood to Thomas as he/s 30 out. Pete says he/s got it and I never doubt Petes judgement as he kicks yours truly. 58-49. Nature Bots gives free to Jack but does zero with the it, brilliant one armed mark to the Samurai off to  Screwdriver to Matrix but is pinned, Varco to Dole Cheque to Cox 40 out but misses. One moment that does my head in is when Varco snaps and Dole Cheque is in the square but goes between his legs but Hyphen picks the scraps and goals 59-55. The hyphen celebration goes down well. Then comes the moment my mind explodes. Richmond bloke standing on the line. FUCKING THROWS IT UP lands on the boot and its a goal. Im fucking livid. He fucking threw it. If he wanted to kick it he should ave dropped it. He had one hand and threw it up in the air. ITS  A THROW. IM NOT AVING THAT. Cunt of a goal. Dez is on his feet saying its a miracle. Yes a miracle I did/t rip the telly off the screen. Screwdriver tackles in the 50 up field to Sidie  to the Hyphen to Stephenson as my Dingley Correspondent Tim texts and says for fuck sake. He did it in the language the kids do when they text but I aint acknowledging such shit use of the English language. Thomas goals 65-61 as we/re getting close but we just cant seal the deal. Anyway I still ave a headache but I need a drink. NOW as Stephenson has a shot with seconds to go as we blow our load too soon thinking we got the lead when it was just a minor.

Unfortunately I forgot to write in my notes what the third quarter score was. I know we was down Thomas gets his fourth goal, thank you Dan Watts 71-67. Riewoldt jr cant mark. Hudo does make me smile when he says the Cauldron of the MCG which remind me of Roy and HG. The Tigers blew us away so I kinda lost interest in covering this quarter. Heres what i remember. Rance shows why hes a shit cunt by diving, I think Dusty pulled out the chop sticks and threatened the ref. My man Dole Cheque unfortunately did an ACL so hes out. We/re running out of men here. Owen sits with us with five minutes to go. I see a bunch of Tiger fans acting like flogs on the telly, I raise two very tired fingers at the tv as im gonna need a bigger drink as the siren sounds


After the siren Owen pulls out a poster of the Tigers a sticks it to us. Mate, I can cop it from Dez a bloke that was here the whole game, or my mates who were at the game and I know are true fans but when you show up five minutes before the siren and rub it in not saying a word before? No im not aving that. No one at the table is. He tries to shake his figure at us but nah poor form I gotta say. If you aint here for a whole quarter at least you got nothing to say.

Later on our great mates GG and Bernie Two Legs join us. Bernie was there and says what a great game, and despite the result I must agree.

A fella asks Fred why he goes for Collingwood when he grew up in Richmond. Dez says because hes an idiot while John says because its common sense.


Pete later on in the evening tells me Scharenberg with the lot is out with another ACL. I ask if backons included, Pete says optional. Then my Dingley correspondent Tim tells me Elliot is out with a hammy. Tim says why Jesus hates us. I say he hates you, sure he like me.


Gotta say was the result I expected, the Tigers are the reigning champs for a reason and they were in fine form. They kicked ahead at the start and we were playing catch up for the rest of the game. Gooster was a big out and losing Howe and Dole Cheque was awful but don/t think that made the difference. Tigers were just too good, but we know what where facing and hopefully if we meet a third time we/ll be ready. It’s a hard slog from here on to keep a top four spot, I/ll be watching, just hope we get the fucking table back for the Swans next week.



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2 thoughts on “Round 19 vs Richmond

  1. Very funny as usual Matty love that you didn’t correct the ACL injury player. But hell who else can get injured??!!!? Thinking back Dole Check did have a quiet day so good to get a few mentions…

    1. hehe thanks Jen glad you enjoyed. you/ll also notice i didn/t change the quarter time score. he was great the wet cheque we/ll miss him.

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