Round 22 v Port

Now. Two games to go and the Pies are on track for our first finals appearance since 2013. Our opponents in our last finals appearance was Port, aka Fake Magpies which brings us to this arvo (yes im aware Port was the Magpies before Collingwood was founded, but fuck em). That faithful elimination final was a turning point in the clubs history. Bucks, two years into his stint and not yet christened the Shoehorn came out swinging in the post match press conference after a poor performance against the Fake Magpies, claiming the real Pies had a culture problem and change needed to be made. Two days later my boy Didak, along with Darren Jolly and Andrew Krakouer where shown the door, while Heath Shaw, after throwing a ball at a blokes head in that Elimination final was given the arse weeks later, and Dale Thomas also left for Carlton. Actually I was happy bout that, I never liked him and now I had a reason to verbally piss on him. Many punters, myself included questioned getting rid of such quality players, and Dale Thomas, when they still had a bit of footy left in em. Its been a long few seasons but we look like we/re on the verge of me giving a fuck bout September. But I got one thing on my mind today, and thats getting our regular spot back. And no casual fan of the other team better show up and pull out a poster after the siren and gloat when they weren/t watching the game. I aint aving that again.

After buying a pack of Rothmans Reds from the new vape shop next to the Balaclava five minutes from the bounce (they sell fags at supermarket prices, so say hi to em) I walk in and see Fred and I could almost cry. WE GOT THE TABLE BACK. Yet I see fucking rugby on the tv. Before we get to that I need to visit the bar. No line so its all going swimmingly, yet the nice lady behind the bar smashed some glasses, so the heat is on to get a drink before the siren and get the TV on the right code of football. Linda our host has got the footy on, just second before the start. And what a start, the Gooster goals within 30 seconds and the Pies are off. We do our Gooster celebration and the bunch of grumps sitting next to us move, as my favourite pool shark Pommy Dave and his son Tom enter. Aint seen him in a while so great to see him as we cut to Bucks in the box with the beard back while Mad Matty screams in the public bar. We go forward but Fake Pies stop us, they spend bout two minutes of passing back n forward in our 50 and on the outskirts of our 50 which really does nothing for em, they aint making ground and it just looks like a pissweak training season in front of a bunch angry fans. But they finally make some ground after a shit 50 is paid for some reason, Fake Pies bloke kicked the ball and Thomas smothered the ball and for some reason thats a free. And a 50. Another shit free is paid and the fake magpies get a goal. Good on em. But of course they only got it via the umpires. If thats how yous wanna score fine. I want Razor back. The Ox is on the field wearing long sleeves, theres a few long sleeves which is odd considering its a warm day. Well it was hailing at 1 now its sunny. Should be more long sleeves for me, bring It back I like it. Port get another stupid goal as Huddo actually pauses before he announces the goal, as if he forgot the ball through the big sticks means six points. I used to like him now hes just annoying. The CEO Pete enters as that overrated schmuck Jack Watts goals. Huddo makes claim that of all the opposition clubs in the league Watts has played Collingwood the most. As if that stat will help him with his shot for goal. A rare drop from the Hyphen, as Langdon is pinned, nothing has gone our way in the last five minutes. Fred takes time out to show me his new jacket, its an official Collingwood wheelchair jacket. Its an ace jacket. My mate Richard is captain of the Collingwood wheelchair side, we should get him on for an interview soon. . Fake Pies go forward, intercepted by Murray to Dole Cheque to Varco who passes to the Gooster who take a beautiful mark, as if he was gonna drop it. Hes 30 out the angle no issue. Im so sure of this I write in my notes its a goal but the Gooster let me down. Huddo tells us we really needed that one, just incase we couldn/t figure that out for ourselves .Sier tackle on Fake Magpie snap from Sidie Hyphen cant mark but picks up the scrap handball to Screwdriver as thats more like it. 13-18 as we bag the table with the cha cha cha with plenty of beer spilled. We go forward again, fake magpies pinned. Pete wants ball. He gets it. Overrated Watts pinned again. Actually is he overrated? I mean does anyone rate him? We get our first Shag moment of the day as he tackles a bloke and we cheer for the great man. Hes on a roll after kicking two goals last week. The Sun had the headline the Mayne Event in todays paper. Wonder how long they were sitting on that. Sure they were just waiting til he did something. After kicking two goals they pulled the trigger and ran with the headline. . Adams to the Gooster no mark straight up FMs end, but great pressure from the Shag as FMs force it over the line for a throw in. Greenwood is sling tackled but is able to kick forward but Overrated gets the ball 50 out. Huddo says does he pass or ave a shot, as if there is a third option. . Murray kicks to Adams to Screwdriver no mark Sidie, off to the Matrix to Crisp Murray again as Cox takes a mark. I want to raise my hands for the big hi 5 but no dice. 14-24.Pete mentions AFL CEO Stifflers Dad was on the blower this morning saying some more of his insane game changes. This time he wants to extend the ground. This man has no idea bout our sport. If he wants to make changes to the game he should listen to Viv and give the game a multiball period, with more goal posts added to the ground. Sier goals from  20-24. FMs go forward for one last shot this quarter but Langdon does a great tackle off to Matrix to Cox off to a Fake Magpie but he cant mark, Dole Cheque swoops and we take the lead going into smoko.

Quarter time



I walk in after a dart to see Varco goals. Straight after that Stephenson goals. The pies are going for a threepeat within 90 seconds as Cox marks but we blow our load to soon as he doesn/t even make the distance, but a few seconds later Dole Cheque goals 45-25. Fake Magpies goal. Gary Lyon goes on some big tangent on Fake Pies and sums it up by saying yeah that goal was important. Fred says that was important as Tolstoys War and Peace. Sidie to the Shag as Cox marks off to Dole Cheque but he posts it. Great run by Varco off to Screwdriver BANG 52-37. Ryder scores for the Fake Pies. Fake Pie goes for a run but pinned by Thomas Ox gets another touch, good to get him back. Great tackle from my boy the Hyphen off to the Shag out of bounds as I need a beer run as our great mate Gordon enters. Stephenson from 50 to the Gooster but cant hold on, the Shag is looming. Hes on such a high from kicking two last week you can tell he wants more. Adams marks bout 50 out. Huddo mentions hes not a goal kicker and hes gonna need all his strength for this. You really are a knob Hudson, hes been in our best team for years, hes a beautiful reliable kick in case you aven/t been watching. Anyway Adams goals, fuck you Huddo. I want BT back




Half Time show we see Sarah Jones and Dermott in the box. Fred and Pete mention they both ave the same haircut as I order a t bone from Linda. She tells me since its half time I can eat. i get travy on my notes as this photo shows.

Viv enters with her Powerball winnings. Unfortunately it wasn/t her shout. After the break Fake Magpies score. Cox is moving like a rover, Hyphen is pinned, forward tap from Langdon. I can tell it was a good tap but Huddo needs to tell us its a good tap. Garry Lyon says good call Huddo. Its as if they need to pump each other tires. Mind you if Gary Lyon treats all his friends  the way he treats Billy Brownless I doubt he would ave many people sitting at his table at the Balaclava.   The Shag is hungry but no ones passing to him. Matrix to Sier Cox Marks but he passes as Keith mentions too cute, Fake Magpies swoop two FM players are on the Shag, off to Varco but passes to a FM. This has been a pathetic start to the quarter. . Good handball from Greenwood to Crisp but out on the full. Sidie to Varco, to two FM players but Aish taps away from both, the Hyphen taps to Screwdriver to Hyphen but cox cant mark the kick. FM go 50 as we see a pack and Huddo claims no one wants to fly and Aish flys outta no wear. Go back to school you flog. Shag to Varco to Gooster to Ox to FM but mark not paid. Sidie capitalizes and goals 63-58. But I want a Hyphen goal I want to bang elbows. We see the hyphen run and Huddo calls him a runner as we all laugh our tits off. Huddo, they don/t walk or crawl on all fours they run. I guess you know nothing bout football better say something.  We get a rare shot for goal from the Ox after a 50 form Motlop after being a prick 70-58.Expert Gary Lyon says we needed that. Crisp to Maynard G Krebbs to Matrix to Hyphen but cant take the mark Phillips goes forward for the Real Pies last play but cunt ump gives shit free, Fake Pies go forward but the Shag prevents anything happening.




As we go to the break Motlop moans more to the umpire as GG enters. With glasses. Hes going for a tenpeat with showing up with the glasses.The Fake Magpies cheer squad are also moaning, sit down you fools. We start with a brilliant tackle from Sier as the Fake Magpies fans cry again. We aven/t cut to David Koch but I assume he is crying too. Sidie goals 77-58. Straight up Fake Magpies end but Langdon prevents anything happening. Thomas does an ace tackle Stephenson to Adams but Fake Magpies intercepts the kick Adams gets back straight away but that fucking dribble kick is still being used and we get a crucial point. Thats not Gary Lyon, thats me saying that. Doesn/t matter as its kicked straight to Greenwood passes to Cox. I get stretching and it pays off as we do the giraffe hi 5. 84-58. Crisp to Gooster to the Shag Greenwood to Fake Magpies. So many kicks to fake magpies this game and they don/t even ave the black and white stripes. Thankfully it wasn/t 15 Varco has a run and the Gooster takes a beautiful one handed mark in the square. 90-58. David King takes time to piss in Bucks pocket even thought years earlier he was calling for his head. Kingy stick to those bullshit stats that mean fuck all. Screwdriver to the Hyphen to Gooster to a pack as Fake Magpies tap out of bounds as we are given a free for deliberate. Sier to Stephenson, mark by Shag but not 15 to Langdon to Stephenson, he does the fucking dribble kick but at least he got six points. 97-58. Straight away the Samurai marks 103-58. Then comes the moment we/ve all been waiting for. The Shag marks, 40 out in front. Sure he kicked two last week but we want to be able to watch this as a group. He lines up, runs, well you know what the fuck happens when someone has a shoot, I really don/t need to describe it. I aint Huddo level yet. Anyway he kicks yours truly and we carry on. Fred asks what we should so for the Shag. We do a group hug. Pies get one more with a great passage from Screwdriver to Adams to Thomas takes us to 115. Faker Magpies kick is smothered. Thats right give em nothing. They get one with two seconds to go as we finish with the Fake Magpies cheer squad crying and the Pies are playing finals. This has been a top day.




After the game its quiz time which saw me do well due to getting Freds good ear. Also being born during the Harry Potter era helped with some of the questions. Followed by the Hanks at Johnnys and Baby 8 at the Vinyard. The next day I got talking to me mate Jeff, I always ave time for him. We talk the sayings commentators say, and how they really only ave a handful of phrases and it doesn/t take long before they start repeating themselves. I swear watching footy when I was a kid everytime a goal was scored there would be a pause and then Sandy Roberts would scream IT’S A GOAL. They never say its a ring a ding ding anymore. More of that and less they needed that goal. Jeffs favourite was they/ve kicked it through the high sticks which doesn/t get used anymore, again more of that please.

Wonderful day out at the pub and great result heading towards finals. The last quarter was our best 30 minute performance all year for me. Do we ave what it takes to go all the way? We certainly ave enough blokes on the field to kick goals. And the Shag couldn/t ave picked a better to ave come into form. GG is in career best form with the glasses and considering Petes birthday is coming up all the signs are coming together.  See yous at the Bala 4:30 next Saturday for the Freo game.


cha cha cha

Posted on 2 Comments

2 thoughts on “Round 22 v Port

  1. Cairn de real Pies!
    Rockin review, Sir Matt!


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