Qualifying final vs Eagles



FINALS. Feels good to say that. After a few years in the wilderness we made it to September. I like this feeling, hope it happens every year. After a season that has had its ups and downs and proving what we are worth, and us fighting to get a table every week and getting a TV with sound, here we are at the Balaclava for the Eagles game. And with a double chance. Which means two more rants at least. Good for me but bad for you. The Eagles will be a tough game, but with Brownlow, Howe and my boy the Sack all in where in with a fighting chance.


I walk into the Balaclava to watch the second act of the Swans Giants game with Fred and GG (with Glasses) and Pete later on and we got the fucking table. We go out the back for smoko with Pete not taking any chances taking the remote with him. We dicuss possibly the biggest Gate yet, but I think that needs a separate rant. And a sit down interview with the Butcher.


After an ace ten dollar T Bone we again saddle into the seats getting ready for the game. Unfortunately we ave to witness the horror of that fucking Bounce show. Danny Frawley is dressed as Colonel Sanders for some reason. We than cut to a montage of all the outfits Spud has been in cross the years. Hes been dressed as a women, a lizard and everything else. Jason Dunstall please your better than this. Danny Frawley not so much. Hes an annoying flog that gives awful insight when he commentates and if it wasn/t for him dressing up in stoopid outfits the only job in showbiz he would be qualified to do is being the bloke fired out of a cannon at the circus. Please be gone with him. We than cut to the pre match panel, Gary Lyon Jonathan Brown and Nick Riewoldt while Seven has JB Richo and Darce. So they got there shittest blokes from their respective networks for this game. Well played guys. Flea of Liquor Snatch and Ghostbitches fame is the new face in hell joining us. I always ave time for her. I take a piss before the game and the guy next to me says good shoot. Is that an omen? We/ll see. We cut to that fucking national anthem and we see the Eagles team first, Pete calls biased, I agree. Pete goes for a fag but opens to door so I can scream if the Sack has a flop or not. No flop but nice beard.


JB tells us the place is packed. He tells us if you want to know what the mood of the stadium is like, go rent Gladiator. As Pete points out is the crowd CGIed? Will Richo drink himself to death and they/ll ave to CGI the rest of his comments for the rest of the game like they did with Oliver Reed on the set of Gladiator? Mind you with Richo that would be better actually. In terms of the mood wouldn/t it be like the last time they played but with a finals vibe? Mind you this crowd gave a standing ovation to a bloke that pretty much committed grievous bodily harm so they pretty much would call for blood. Shag gets a touch, gets another but results in a free due to out on the full. Eagles go 50 but what a tackle from Matrix, that man is all class and fuck you again Mike Sheahan for saying he aint a A grade player. Mid you Mike was never an A grand jurno so it doesn/t matter what he thinks. Samurai to Sidie to Dole Cheque 35 out and we minor for first blood. Eagles kick in which results in a throw in Crisp to Screwdriver mark to the Eagles. JB says there is no wind which upsets me as I watched Richo to bang on bout the Fremantle Doctor, that thing Tony Greig always mentioned. GG says Go Saints. Yeah better luck next year mate. Crisp is pinned throw up. Sack gets the ball out just before he is gone Darce says LeCras is dangerous but he misses. Darce says dangerous all the time, weird as he never was dangerous in his career on field. Free to Trav out of the 50 Sack intercepts a mark off to Screwdriver Samurai to Sier Shag soccers to Dole Cheque but missed everything Eagles take up there end and miss but they score a goal straight away. Darce says that was a statement. What six points? God hes the shits. Shag give shit free, fuck the WA umps are on acid or something, they cant call a game the cunts. Thomas pinned 45 from Eagles goal as we see Bucks aint happy.   A Eagles bloke that has my surname Ryan, and that leads to Richo to talk bout the art of goal kicking and straight kicking. Something Richo made a career of not doing, a bloke that horrified Richmond fans every time he got near the ball.  Howe takes a mark of the year contender but kicks out on the full. JB says that was unnecessary risk as we laugh at that oxymoron, my namesake Ryan goals from a throw as it proves these umps are cunts. Darce says Pies need to score fast as I ask which network executive does he ave pictures of for him to be employed while that rocket scientists Richo says Eagles ave had a fast start? Three goals in fifteen minutes fuck off. We see the class of Matrix with  handball to Trav which results in a goal. Darce says you don/t need to go on bout his class. But he does anyway. 20-8. Eagles player goes off with suspected Hammy issue, Dr Richo is giving us his best analyses. Mate when I want an opinion on spitting the dummy or kicking out on the full i/ll come to you. Eagles go 50 as Samurai punches it over where down to 58 second. Which Darce calles crucial second, as if the rest weren/t. I want BT back


Quarter Time

Collingwood 9

Eagles 21


Eagles go forward but smoother by Sack. God we/ve missed him. Unfortunately kick from Howe to Darling, BUT FUCKS THE KICK UP Thomas to Dole Cheque 40 direct in front. Never in doubt. 22-15. Go forward straight away, really scrappy junkyard dog style footy here, but Brownlow does a dribble kick which ends up with Adams BANG 22-21 as Richo tells us the Eagles won/t like that. 50 straightaway again thanks to Sidie SHAG but no mark. That/s probably his chance for a goal gone. Sidie to Trav 50 to Cox cant mark neither can Aish as my boy the Hyphen has been very quiet tonight and the last few weeks for that matter. Brownlow to Shag but is given 50. We scream the roof ass he goals from the square. 27-22. I run to get a beer and am offered a raffle ticket. Why not. . Later in the evening when the pull the ticket from the beer jug FLEA WINS. Onya love.  Eagles 50 Sack keeps out of bounds Adams crumbs it Stephenson to the Gooster Trav SHAG but nothing. Sack spoils off Kennedy but they still goal. Straight up our end to the Gooster what a goal 33 -29. Eagles goal straight away as Flea says fuck off Eagles. But another quick answer from Dole Cheque  39-35. Straight up Eagles end but Greenwood smoothers it Sidie free but Aish cant mark Dole Cheque off to Trav but slips over Hyphen pinned throw in. Trav goes in the 50 with a out of bounds on the full but Eagles bloke does the same thing. Straight to Stephenson who gets a crucial point to take us within two. . Cox still cant mark but Stephenson says thank your mother for the rabbits as we take the lead into half time. Im loving the boos. Hey, you/ll boo a team for beating the shit blokes you support but yet you/ll give a standing ovation to a bloke who bealted a good kid. Your all cunts. And don/t give me that good bloke or good character shirt. Gaff is a Dickhead for life. Rant over back to the other rant


Half Time

Collingwood 46

Eagles 42

hey kids, here a Mark E Smith pic and quote that has nothing to do with this game.


Im pounding the darts at half time, I throw my butt in the bin and miss for the second time tonight. OMEN. Gerard Healey and David king ave some bullshit wild west backdrop thing as if its the movie show. Gerald Healey talks Adam Simpson, and steals our line of thats what he hears the big bucks for. We laugh. Richo also said more goals means more respect. Useless these people are. GG wants one of the callers to say one of our Balaclava nicknames. I want them to say Scharenberg with the lot and discuss what is in a Scharenberg with the lot. They better say runny egg. Gary Lyon tells us Eagles need to mark more. Sigh, why is he an expect? Cheating on your best mates wife i/ll give it hes an expert on that but not football . Two great tackles on Langdon but Brownlow misses. Kennedy misses. Owen enters and for some reason crouches between me and Pete. Fucking take a seat dude, and don/t talk bout a game two months ago when im focusing on this game. JB screams listen to the crowd but they/ve turned the crowd down so we can be drowned out but this fucking gasbag. GG gets his wish when Darce says Fresh Air. Thomas to Brownlow to Krebbs to Sidie as my boy the Hyphen marks as GG says which order but we got it all pat down. Doesn/t matter as he misses. Matrix to Gooster Greenwood all for nothing leads to stalemate. Sack intercepts again, what class he is off to Adams to Hyphen to Brownlow who scores crucial point. Sier to Adams Cox still is not marking Trav to Screwdriver to Hyphen but Darling beats him. Richo says he needs to kick goals. Free to Hyphen to Sidie high kick to Samurai throw in as Ryan hold but no mark Matrix to Dole Cheque to Admas 40 out. Pete says its a sure thing. The CEO is always right 55-48. JB says Eagles are hanging despite the fact its seven fucking points.  I run to the bar as the Eagles kick a point from a throw in Matrix points as well. Eagles goal but from a shit free again. What a run and hit from Trav prevents a goal as Darce says that was a big ball whatever that means. Crisp is tunneled and given a free. Dog of an act from these cunts. Fleas says hes got it. She of course is right. 62-53. Dole Cheque points Eagles go 50 Howe intercepts Brownlow kicks 50 Eagles mark as its smoko.


Collingwood 63

Eagles 53

Free to Adams but Cox is still not grabbing em as JB informs us Eagles must hit the scoreboard as this fucking annoying Eagles fan sits with his. Hes got a lot of nerve joining us and carrying like he does. He got the message soon and was very quiet for the rest of the game. Kennedy beats the Sack and goes for goal as Richo says there gonna need this for fuck sake. They do get it. JB says ouch. Well you know nothing bout football or broadcasting you better say something I guess. Flea very generously buys us a jug. Eagles fucking goal. Eddie isn/t happy. Hyphen saves another goal up 50 to Cox but hes still broken and not marking. Sack again takes care of Kennedy but he gets a shit free but misses. Thomas to Dole Cheque Sack goes 50 and the Shag soccers again. COX FINALLY MARKS but is nowhere in range for kicking a goal. Maynard G Krebbs passes to the Gooster  30 out drills it 69-67 as they call last drinks Flea very kindly gets another jug. Eagles go 50 and goal and its looking bad. They kick another goal and ive stopped writing.


Game over

Look up the score yourself


After the game me Flea buys us another jug and cry in our beers as we jump on the tram (no on touches on) to see Kim Volkman and the Whisky Priests for a top set. I get a tap on the shoulder and its one of my favourite people Billy Pommer Jr. Great bloke Bill. We head for Dogs after for a nightcap as the landlord Gavin says hope your didn/t cry too much


Hard to know what to make of it all. We played alright, guess was always gonna be a hard trip down west. Or east I don/t fucking know any geography.  The Sack was a massive in yet a lot of blokes went missing. My boy the hyphen has been quiet and blokes like Stephenson and Dole while did bits here and there didn/t ave great four quarter performances. And what the fuck happened to Cox. He did fuck all. The Giants aint gonna be easybeats, im hoping on the fact they cant win on the G on the big stage will be enough for us to get to the prelim. Anyway, onwoods and upwards, I hope. And please can we ave one week without a gate. Please. See yous Saturday at the Balaclava


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