Prelim Final v Richmond

Jeez, don/t mean to sound like a broken record but never thought the Pies would make it this far.  After a top performance against the Giants we face the reigning champs. They/ve already knocked us off twice this year but held our own for three quarters both times. This time we ave in my mind our best 22 on the field, and the Sack has been in outstanding form in September after missing the year. While we did go three quarters last two times I believe its a different team with new attitude and outlook. As our CEO Pete has said all season we just want to see our best team on the field against the Tigers for four quarters. Win loss or draw whatever, we/ll just see where we are at. We got our best so hopefully we can bring it. Speaking of the best, im hoping for the best crew tonight at the Balaclava,  with Linda already aving reserved tables for us in the bistro. I cant remember a game I was more excited and nervous bout, if anything im dying to get to the siren. Its a good thing the bar in the bistro is open but its shit craft beer. I need to walk into the public bar for a Vic, I cant work as a qualified football reporter under these circumstances. Wonder if Hunter S Thompson went through this pain when he started as a sports reporter. Wonder if he had to deal with low sound and light bulbs being too bright?


After doing my prerecorded segment for Southern FMs Up the Bracket with Terina and Helen of Los Dominados, I run to Middle Brighton station to get the train to the Balaclava. Its fucking late and the lady on the speaker gives us the riot act on the smoking laws. I.e. you cant smoke anywhere within 100 meters of a train or some shit law like that. Cunts. To add insult to injury she ends the announcement by saying go tigers. Finally a train comes and GG greats me hello, as is Bernie Terry Lana Pete, and me dear mate Jo, returned from here overseas trip. Theres a deadshit who drinks at the Bala who when walking into the Public Bar screams go Tigers when hes in the safety of the other room. His name doesn/t deserved to be named, not because hes a Tigers fan because he is a right royal cunt who fucked with mates of mine, again his name don/t deserved to be mentioned, so Cuntface i/ll call him from now on. GG informs me Cuntface told our host Linda that she should put tissues on the table for us after the game. Oh I so want to win. Just to spite this evil dick. This bloke also had the nerve to call his trivia team Back to back the other week. He won thanks to Google. As a mental hurt (Not my words, keep reading to see which other flog came up with that) me and GG called our team the next week the Dust Busters, in reference to the Sun front page on Wednesday. Anyway back to back, minus cuntface went down, so im hoping to finish the week with two wins and shut him up.


Im at the table with a few minutes to go talking to Lana jo Bernie and Terry. I needed em as im a fucking wreck and need calm as Gordon enters. Five minutes to the bounce no sigh of our fearless leader Fred. GG says fag break. Im like ive already had one to get me through to quarter time, he gives me a look that says dude. Hes right. Smoko five minutes before the game. I could smoke for the Olympics im that nervous. With two minutes to go walking down the street i see Horsie, and his owner, Fred. We got the full team tonight. We skip the national anthem for a fag. Hey we/re standing. And with dickheads like Latham Jones and Hanson bullying a schoolchild for not standing for the anthem even more reason to skip it. Fags in the bin we enter for the bounce. On the bounce GG takes out a light bulb which gets the biggest ovation of the night. Stephenson goes 50 but Hyphen cant mark. Tigers take it straight there end to Jack who missed. Good. Screwdriver to Gooster off to Krebbs but comes back due to cunt free against the Gooster. Greenwood marks in the 50, off to the Sack, Hyphen, Langdon to Brownlow, intercept but Tigers pinned for something as Rose enters with Krebbs rushing for a tigers minor. Cox marks Trav kicks in Thomas/ direction to the Gooster 35 on an angle beautiful drop of the ball sees us off and running. 6-3. Re start Adams beautiful tap to Cox who taps to Dole Cheque 40 out, unlucky. 7-3. Rioli runs down Dole as Bruce asks that great man Duck Carey something to which Duck says the tigers love the ball in there 50. Awful man awful caller. Seriously why is a dickhead that has shown no remorce on tv. But hey, great player. Cunt. I call it. ANYONES GAME. The Sack towels up Riewoldt Sier scoops the loose ball off the Hyphen, Langdon lucky to ave not been pinned enters the 50 but Dole Cheque is still being held, Shag comes in handball to Trav BANG. 13-3. WITH ME Jo Fred Pete and Gordon do our hi 5 and cha cha its ghard work. Bernie end GG always aving to move their heads and beers. We cut top a live cross from Margret Court Arena seeing all these pies fans there. As Tez mentions why not be there at the ground or at a pub. I find those live sites very strange, as Col joins us. Also  one of my favourite people the Mickster enters. Hes got a gig at the Lyrebird with the Fiction also with great Pies man Rob. Micks a Tigers man so hes in enemy, but friendly territory tonight. Jack has a shoot, as Bruce keeps banging on to the left to the left as if thats good as he misses. He is a goose. More enter, with Port Melbourne legend James, Margo and Brad. Im glad to see them all as Brad kisses me on the head. I ask of that was the kiss of death but he said he was just happy to see me. He says the best things. Adams kicks short to the 50 but no ones home. The Butcher Steve takes a seat in front of Pete and GG and Fred but is quickly shouted down and moves. Al also made the mistake of sitting near those guys with his chair faced to them. Silly move. Howe stopes an inside 50, kicks to Aish who takes on two Richmond players Screwdriver just gets a kick before being chased down but to dead space the kick goes. Brownlow too late as Rioli scoops, Howe on the 50 line to Adams to Sidie Stephenson round the back to Trav Adams to Thomas back to Trav who/ll lave a kick 40 out. Again Rance was fucking useless. Misses 14-9. Rachael enters, one of the sweetest souls I know. Which is nice as these rants ave nothing sweet bout em. Sidie has a run off to Crisp 30 kicks beautifully. 20-9. As Lingy says Tigers need to take chances. Tigers go 50 but the Sack makes sure nothing happens as COX MARKS. Hes been in poor form last few weeks so we need a big one from him. Samurai puts body on the line to take out two players but given a shit soft free. Razor Ray would ave let that go. Get the ball back straight away Dole Cheque to Screwdriver Tez says the Shag is BOG. The card we gave him, a Freo one of the Shag, during the week is an omen, Gooster goals as our hi 5s are all over the place 32-9. Richo claims the Tigers need to lift. With his shit kicking I doubt he ever got em to lift, if anything the Tigers would ave deflated if he was still on the field.


Quarter time

Collingwood 32

Richmond 9


Mickster says this will be turning point for the tigers this quarter. Lets see. The Shag is everywhere Howe stops another entry in the 50 Sidie to Matrix Adams Gooster soccers to Cox back to Gooster  COX MARKS again. This time 35 out. Hes usually safe in front and this is no exception. 38-9. We raise our hands high in the air for the hi 5s as more messiness prevails. GG mentions the rooms is full of smoke as we/ve turned the bistro into the Public Bar. Lingy says Tigers need a goal. I cant even be bothered insulting him. Trav gets a free off to Adams Brownlow kicks but misses 39-9.. Tigers holding Adams gets free 70 out as he finds Cox 15 out. No way hes missing that as hes going for a threepeat 45-9. Shag to Sidie pinned as Langdon wonders over to the ball but tigers to quick, Jack is all over Greenwood as Greenwood is given a kick for Jacks shit behavior. Amazingly he hasn/t moaned to the umps once yet. Bruce says this is remarkable as Pete tells him to shut up. Lingy says for the Pies to win they need to all contribute. Lets put that to the test. Cox playing by himself against Richmond, see if Lingys right, lets see if he can win by himself or if he needs contributors. Matrix is given a free. Hes looking for big Cox, and gets him. The unthinkable. COX THREEPEAT as I chant USA USA USA 51-9. Jack has a shot as Rose does her chewy on your boot. It falls just short as Samurai taps, the Shag grabs but kick smothered. Rance does something with a handball but they miss 51-10. Tigers again go 50 but the Sack intercepts, the pressure is immense this game as Chopsticks Martin is crying. Probably over his daddy. Rance has a kick and gets the respect he deserves from the fans. And for his trouble kicks out on the full. Dole Cheque goes 50 Hyphen cant hold as we get a replay of Dusty being held. Out 0f nowhere Crisp goals and my jaw is on the floor from what im witnessing. 57-11. Go straight up forward, shit bloke Rance holds the Gooster. He moans to the umpire. Cry bitch cry, Gooster goals as this is a perfect half we/re seeing 64-11. The hi 5s are getting more crammed as I feel a hand on my band and its that of Nat McGuane she also cant believe this. I love her cousin Mick but he was wrong in his predictions in the Sun. Sack destroys 17 we/re given em nothing. Max Caddy kicks but Sidie marks but shit free given to the tigers but there kick is even shitter. As Riewoldt is on the line grabs the ball is pinned and cant put foot to ball as the ball is rushed over. GIVE EM NOTHING. Last few minutes ave all been the Tigers but the pressure has kept em at bay. They cant even start a gate at the Balaclavia, thats how bad they are. Anyway they get a goal with seconds to go and are celebrating like there booked a place next week despite the fact its only there second goal of the half. Mick says that s turning point as its smoko.


Half Time

Collingwood 64

Richmond 20


We discuss what the fuck we just saw. No way the Tigers are  sticking to the same game plan. We/ll see if we can hold on


thanks to Bernie for the pics

Walking back in Max Gawn is doing those fucking ads. Hey Max, did Google predict you wouldn/t kick a goal in the first half tomorrow?  Get a text from Rob saying fuck yeah as Tez very graciously gives me back my seat. Top fella. Jack goals straightaway as Bruce says that was good, but BT reminds us its a long way back. We get a good restart of our own as the Gooster marks 45 out but can only get a single. 65-26. Shit umps give a useless free. Want Razor back. But free goes straight to Cox 65 out. He plays on Dole Cheque to Gooster Langdon BANG BANG 71-26. Cunt Carey says Cox set the game up by taking marks. I joke that Lingy and Richo on TV but really why is Duck on the box he really is a piece of shit. Tigers hold Sier despite not aving the ball, free to Cox,. Hes 25 out. A threepeat. Unheard of. But he misses with an awful kick. Chopsticks gets a mark. finally. So does jack. Hes the only reason there still in the game. Rosie does her Chewy on the boot but no good as we still hold a 40 point lead. GG brings up the Dust Busters trivia team as Waz says 50 points up, I mention its 40 as he said what am I an accountant? as he goes to the bar. Krebbs marks in the 50 Shag runs round Sack to Crisp Adams to the Gooster Sier but Chopsticks marks in the square. Greenwood is too late as Jack marks. GG says this is a game of two halves. Rose says it’s a game of four quarters. Grundy is given a free as Pete asks what is happening to his manbun, its more down the head. Its now just a ponytail. I say Langdons was too much competition for him. Shag to Aish Stephenson is held. BT says Tigers aint going home. Well it is their home ground so they are already are home. Dumb fuck. Bruce says the Tigers need to get through the Collingwood maze as Pete calls him a goose again. Matrix goes 50 to Dole Cheque has a run kicks yours truly 78-33. Aish takes tigers bloke they sook like the cheer squad. Boo all you want. Im loving this. Tigers go 50 but Langdon marks Brownlow is pinned as Bucks aint happy. Bruce says Tigers need 2 or three goals. Want an useless twat. Why not ten? Three goal aint given em the lead Bruce. Scrappy ball leads to a throw in Tigers kick out on the full. Sidie marks out of the 50, Howe pinned for holding, and hes limping. Fuck. Matrix intercepts the 50 attack, Screwdriver tackle over the line as great run from Adams ruined by shit handball. They ave another shot and do better this time. 78-39. Bruce says another 101 of not even football commentary just common scene by saying the Tigers need to keep the scoreboard turning. Its basically a different way of saying they need more goals and he hopes we don/t pick up on that. Trav rushes ball over to make it an even 40 point lead.  Jack beats the sack Need Rose and her Chewy on the boot to work Bruce says Richo knows something bout goal kicking. What being a fuck up at it? He wish he was as good as Jack. BT says another goal would be a mental hurt. BT your whole commentary is an mental hurt to everyone that listens to your shit. Mickster goes to the bird for the Fiction gig. Adams and Samurai wind down the clock as one more fag before we find out if we got another week.


Three quarter time


Collingwood 79

Richmond 46

Jack gets a goal to start as we see Howe running on the bench Cox falls down as Bucks aint happy. BT says it was the first time Bucks came out of his seat. What bout quarter time and half and the one that comes after that when he went to the ground and rooms?. He really is a mental hurt. Not as much as Richo whose still talking bout the art of goal kicking. The mans a Muppet Sidie taken down and the Sack is being held as we get a bounce. Cox cant grab from the tap shit free for ducking. Results in goal as Tigers are pushing, we see Eddie on the phone and then Bucks on the phone. Hmmm.  Cox marks handballs to Sidie punches over to Samurai Matrix to the Gooster as we get a bit more breathing space.85-58 the table goes crazy as Nat McGuane joins us, Tez and I hug as does Brad who calls it. Jo has also called it. Im just sitting on it for now. Screwdriver dives and punches to the 50 Adams collects Screwdriver has a pin just falls short Cox pulls it over the line. Thrown in Samurai taps to himself kicks goal of the night 91-58. Brownlow kicks the last for the night. And with six minutes to go im calling it. I write game over on me notes and gets a great ovation but got an even bigger ovation when I pull out the shoehorn. Owen is here, last time we played the tigers he joined us five minutes before the game finished, sat down said nothing and when the siren sounded pulled out a tigers poster to brag. Gotta say I don/t mind that from someone who cheered for the whole game but when someone just rolls up, its shit form. He even admitted he only got back into the game last year, as the Tigers come good. So a bandwagoner too. Anyway I stop writing and just enjoy the last five minutes



Collingwood 98

Richmond 58


After the game we go for smoke, a Tigers fan is upset, I say thanks for coming. GG and Brad tell me to be humble in victory and im better than that. They of course are always right. Was shit from form me. Mind you there are plenty of Tigers fans that are so arrogant they need a good coming down to earth, Cuntface for one. Jo buys me Pete Gordon and Rose a shot, as I tell Nat I love her cousin dearly but he got his prediction wrong. Love ya Mick but you fucked up. Lana drives us to the Bird for meet up with Rob to embrace the victory. Brilliant night all round


All these great players Chopsticks Martin and the “full back of the century” Rance did fuck all. Dusty was injured but I never saw the deal in Race. Overrated. Jack did keep em in the game till the fourth quarter. He played a ripper, but it wasn/t enough.  Going into this season I thought if we could finish 9th I would ave been happy with that and considered it an improvement, but to be playing off for the flag, no one could ave predicted this. I myself was concerned in the decision in resigning Bucks last year but its paid off. The boys love him and are playing for him.


We played a ripper game but unfortunately so did the Eagles. Im not betting the farm but we are a chance. If we can stop those two talls up forward you never know. Dicko texted saying we need to play Chopper Reid. Tempting as that is who goes out?

My mate Teresa tells me from being there last year as a Richmond fan to enjoy the week. I will and we did yesterday at the Bolwo me Fred GG and Dave Last.

Anyway, one more rant to go, lets see what happens, gonna need to get on heroin to get through the week. See you during the week at Book Club.



Posted on 2 Comments

2 thoughts on “Prelim Final v Richmond

  1. Brilliant as always! Rock the hell on, Sir Matt!

    1. CHEERS Shirley appreciate the feedback

Leave a Reply