My notes are covered with beer so this could be messy and this could make no sense. Like every other rant.
Oh boy. The pies are in the grand final. I thought it would be a while until I got to say those words. Don/t know how we did it but we/re here. I said last week I was gonna need heroin to get through the week but turns out a few beers a 100,000 fags did the job. Sunday before the game I saw me great mate Theresa, a proud Tigers fan who was very humble in defeat. She hugged me and told me to enjoy the week. I don/t know if theres such a thing as too much fun but this week was it. Monday night book club at the Balaclava was one for the books, me and Fred along with GG discussing the prelim and the week to come. GG takes a punt on the Samurai to win the Brownlow and Sidie to place. He picked up the coin for Sidie. Stifflers Dad Gil is the worst Brownlow reader ever. I want Wayne Jackson back. Gil and his brother Hamish look like rejects from Monty Pythons Upper Class Twit of the Year sketch. This bloke is all PR nd business he couldn/t give a fuck bout the fans. Against my better judgement I watched open mike where the guest was Joffa. Seriously YouTube it. He had a brutal upbringing and its amazing hes here in one piece. And his passionate plea at the end bout grand final tickets sums up why people like him represent the fans and dickheads like Gil and Hamish will never be one of us. And Roaming Bruce is even worse than Roaming Brian. Poor Tom, felt so bad when Bruce was all over him after he won. Sure Tom was thinking was winning the top award and a lifetime of free beers worth this? Oh and Cuntface at the Balaclava, the bloke that has no redeeming features sure copped plenty of GO PIES and HOWS THAT BACK TO BACK GOING? Hey, you should be humble in victory but when you/re a cunt to several mates of mine ill piss on the floor and rub you/re your face in it. I think screaming GO PIES at him is the verbal version of my piss on his stoopid face.
Thursday night me and Captain of the Collingwood Wheelchair Footy Team Richard went to the taping of the grand final Front Bar. Never seen a full episode before. Was great seeing Santo Cilauro and being meters away from Tony Shaw and also booing Stifflers Dad as well as Stevie J. Alistair Clarkson was pretty funny, and was the only one I saw drink his beer. I kept looking at Mick Molloys beer to see how much he drank. He drank like 10% of his schooner and then someone grabbed it and filled it up during the break. Mick off air tells us a joke involving an Andy Maher sex tape. Ill stop there to prevent you throwing up in your beer. He also told Eddie to go fuck himself off air. Also great to see Titus OReilly.
Went to Dingley on Friday but stopped off and paid respect to Bob Rose, our clubs greatest on field servant and most famous member of Collingwoods first family. The idea came to be from my dear friend Nick Haines paying tribute to a North Adelaide icon the night before the Rosters won the SANFL flag the week before. Me and dad watch the parade, and the MC says we need a song to get us in the mood. Me and dad groan in unison as we know that means Mike Brady. And what do you know hes had a whole year and he still aint written a new song? Lazy bastard. We watch the second half of the tigers game, god the commentary is shit. The new guy (I gather hes going to be awful as they all fucking are) interviews Mason Coxs parents, new guy calls Bruce the Bob Costas of Australia. Aving watched a fair bit of American sports, I can tell Bruce is no Bob Costas. Costas is actually good, doens/t make a goose of himself and makes comments that actually mean something. What an insult to Bob. We cap off the week with the Large Number 12s and DJ Brett at Dogs Bar. Brett also a mad tigers fan tells me hes kinda relieved not to be playing as he can just enjoy the game.
Anyway game day. A gate keeps me locked in my backyard and am stuck for five minutes. gate gate. I walk down to the Balaclava which GG had the amazing foresight to book the room five weeks out. I watch the last five minutes of the Club to get in the spirit of the day.
Walk in for our version the Norm Melbourne breakfast to see GG and. Rose welcome and kick off the day. She cant stay but she provides us with chewing gum. Her chewy on the boot has been outstanding this year, so she/ll be with us in spirit. AND THE LIGHT IS ALREADY OUT AND GG ENDS THE SEASON WITH GLASSES. Party pies are coming but not little boys. For all the publicity I give the pub and its clients like Mad Matty youd think theyd give us the little boys.
We see Fox has got people from the teams being interviewed, they got the big guns, Jonathan Brown. The man who can/t put two words together. what is the process of being a commentator? He aint much to look at and he cant talk, English anyway. Someone like Chris Dawes, a lawyer who can actually string a meaningful sentence isn/t a commentator. People like Lingy and Richo probably figured if people heard his comments they realized people would know they bring nothing to the table.
Theres two and a half hours to kill. Im pounding down the darts.
1pm Jason comes down from Castlemaine, along with Sam the birthday girl. Keith is seconds behind them. A different Keith, a local at the Balaclava is also here. He asks how I feel, I said im nervous. He tells me it would be wrong if I wasn/t. I give them the bad news that Fergie is not in the Black Eye Peas. Port Melbourne legend James walks past and asks how the breakfast is going. I tell him the landlord was concerned that we wouldn/t draw a crowd. I tell him we already got twenty and more to come. 1:30 Fred and Viv enter, and when I got out for what seems like fag number 70 of the arvo I see Amy and Ruby, as Jo and Chrisi enter. Amy and Ruby are on their way to the Inkerman, great to see them as always. Horse walks past said hes watching the first half at his house. Gordon Mark and Casey all join us. Thirty minutes to the bounce we see for the first time this season, and way too long, Jackie the heart and soul of our Collingwood table, with John and his mate also here. Rob W is on the way, so we ave everyone here. And Lana joins us, very blessed to know her, and the best I know Tez is here with the Shag card we gave him. We/re only missing one person, the CEO. He walks in to a standing ovation and takes the CEO Booth at the back of the room. Simon and Jane are here and Martin wearing a Spooky Records shirt. Also our legal Team, Brad and Yvonne with Brads aunt (sorry forgot her name) who will be playing the lone Eagles fan in the room. Its packed to capacity. Leroy pokes the bear sending me something bout nice banner dickhead, no idea what shes on bout. Im still shitting bricks. They say please rise for the national anthem and I do for smoko. Tez is excited as Mr Football Waz enters.
We ave all the shittest blokes assembled in the commentary box. Bruce, BT, Richo and Lingy and Wayne Carey. Thank god for Daisy Pearce. As Chrisi says hope Daisy is away from Carey so he doesn/t comment on her tits. I miss the first minutes as JFK marks and kicks. The Sack was no match for him. NO HE MISSES. Sorry my notes said he goal since I was sure he was gonna kick proper but he missed. Shite free sees Eagles go forward but Langdon intercepts. Off to cox but he cant mark. Hope Cox plays like last week and not rest of the season. BT is already annoying all of us. Lingy says Cox needs to lower expectations of his game today. Would anyone cry if we never heard of Lingy again. Screwdriver kicks to the boundary for a throw in. Trav to Matrix tackled but back to Trav BANG we/re off 6-1. Richo says something Bruce says good call Richo. Absolute wankers, its a good thing they got each other because I cant see anyone wanting to be mates with these people. Anyone who wants to call Carey a mate is someone I don/t wanna know. Cox goes down as hes scratching his eyes after an eye attack. Amazingly no free, cunt act by eagles and upms. Meanwhile the Shag is everywhere, Tez is clutching the luck Shag card kicks to Sidie but eagles intercept the shit kick, Shag marks again, Richo tells us 70 marks will win the game. In the last quarter he then tells stats are useless. Do seven actually listen to him? Eagles go 50 JFK cant hold the mark, throw in. Once again JFK cant hold, Screwdriver passes to the Gooster Matrix is grabbed but holds it tight, Greenwood scraps the ball handballs to Stephenson sharp snap OUTSTANDING KICK 12-1. People at the table say was lucky kick. No, he meant that. With so many people all over the place the hi 5s and cha cha chas are sloppy to start. Darling pinned Howe free, Cox cant hold the mark, hope I don/t ave to keep writing that. Brownlow given a free passes to Stephenson, takes two on one and hes going for a threepeat 18-1. After the bounce Eagles go their 50 as Bruce says they need a goal. Do people feel sorry for him? Is that why hes been in a job for so long? Ball throw in Adams to Crisp to an Eagle Shag tackles, off to Stephenson Langdon, hes held but nothing comes of it. Eagle to Dole Cheque to the Hyphen Thomas to the Gooster hes being held but pushes through, what a goal. 24-1. BT Shows off his maths skills by saying the Eagles are practically four goals down. BT its 3 goals and five points. Bruce for all his flaws as a shit caller seems like a nice guy. BT seems like the sort of guy that everyone would leave the table after he brought us a round. Peter Helliar is next to Eddie. How the fuck did he get that much pull? In that case we should get a fucking box. Shag gets a free we all cheer, Fred screams Norm Smith. BT says the Eagles need to pass the ball by foot, because thats how the like it. Dole Cheque marks in the Eagles 50, loses it but we get it back via a throw. Eagles ave a kick, Bruce calls it a beautiful kick yet it misses. Hyphen to the shag Langdon Adams again the Hyphen marks. Cunt Eagle gives him an elbow to the head. No 50? Cunt act from both eagles and umpire again. Of course he kicks it. But again we freak re the order of the hi 5 and the hyphen, John says we had all year and we left it to the biggest game of the year to call this. GG gived our hi 5s a three. Shag goes forward , its been an outstanding quarter so far. Eagles go 50 tackle the sack thrown in with two minutes to go. Eagles goal, but they go to the review. Its paid a goal even though I don/t know how you can tell from that angle they showed. Shit free for deliberate even though theres no way you can call that sees Eagles ball. Umps ave had some shocking calls if you dont mind me saying. Bernie Two Legs mentioned the next day an old world of sport segment where the umpires would ave to justify their calls. Need that back. And not the umpire department pimping there members saying theres no problem and there doing a great job when clearly there not . Anyway after the goal BT says there back in business, clearly BTs brain went redundant a long time ago. Bruce says Pies cant concede another one. No wonder I sniff glue. Anyway its time for a fag.
Thomas off to Matrix Shag holds it up, throw up on the 50 line, Krebbs grabs and runs it over for another stalemate. Someone kicks Bruce says squizy kick whatever the fuck that means. The Eagles bloke with my last name goes off. JFK cant hold the mark the Shag is in career best form, lays another brilliant tackle, for today hes worth every cent. . Sidie passes to Howe nothing kick throw in, Eagles player hurt as we get to hear from Dr Richo. I love it how he thinks he has a brain and trys to play doctor. Adams to Brownlow enters the 50, but Fucking Cox cant mark, Stephenson pinned over the line. Aish marks just outta the 50, AGAIN, Cox cant hold the ball when he puts his two hands up. Throw up. Bruce says the Eagles are playing comfortable, despite being three goals down. Do people hear what we hear? Who demands this man be kept in a job? I know all I do is rant and moan and call people cunts, but surely thats more insightful and accurate then they need the next goal? Sigh. Anyway back to the coverage. Im a fucking wreck, I need a fag. Or crack, whatevers available. Gordon rubs my shoulder instead. He has a nice touch. Cunt free against Cox because weak as piss, its just cause his size that was paid. Dole cheque to the Shag, Cox still waiting for that first mark. Adams trips to Dole Eagles intercept but Eagles to Howe to Cox, sigh, he fucking…….i cant write it you know what he does, or doesn/t do. Samurai to Brownlow handball to Matrix, back to Samurai to Sier Crisp, cant find anyone, as its past the half way mark and no one has scored this quarter. IM CALLING IT. ANYONES GAME. Pete kindly reminds me thats why I get the big bucks. Eagles go 50 , Langdon marks, passes to Brownlow, but pinned, Stephenson marks gives it to the Hyphen off to the Gooster 45 out on an angle first goal of the quarter 38-15. Eagles straightaway get a too easy goal to which BT claims was one they needed. Royal Cunt Julie Bishop is on the TV. Gotta say in a room with so many different supporters of different clubs, seeing that awful women was the one thing that brought us together. She copped a great booing. To a nicer person it couldn/t ave been given to. Shag tries to take mark of the year but cant hold as Bruce claims its a 50-50 game. Max Gawn is on the TV again with the fucking Google ads. Hey google whats the shittest prelim performance ever? Anyway a few things happen but nothing on the board. I need a fag. Or a new lung
Ladies and Gentlemen, thats part one of Munsters Grand Final Rant. Do the Pies get up? At what point does my notes get covered with beer? and by who? and when does Bernie Carpet enter? Seriously when did he enter? know he was there for the second half. And who does fred want me to get on the shoehorn to murder so there out of action for the second half? And will Mad Matty do a run in?
All this and more when Munsters footy rant returns for part two, whenever i can be asked.