Round 1 v Geelong

Happy Birthday Jules, and Misery Guts

Before i rant heres a brief index of peoples names for those new to the game or those that need a reminder.

Nathan Buckley – Shoehorn/Bucks

Jordan De Goey –The Gooster

Bordie Grundy – The Samurai/the Barista

Jamie Elliott – Billy Elliot

Tyson Goldsack –The Sack/Flop

Adam Treloar – Brownlow

Scott Pendelbury – Matrix

Jaidyn Stephenson – Pamela

Matthew Scharenberg – Scharenberg with the lot

Lynden Dunn- Twiggy

Chris Mayne- The Shag

Callum Brown – Son of Rowdy

Tom Phillips Screwdriver

Will Hoskin-Elliott –Hyphen

Brayden Maynard – Maynard G Crabs

Hamish McLachlan- Stiflers brother

Gil McLachlan- Stiflers Dad



Good evening everyone Matty Muster here back for another season of footy rants, now with less insight than Richos expert commentary, and more gossip and wrong information then Craig Hutchison, but at least I know im wrong and don/t act like im King Shit.. How was your summer? I learned that UFC does pro wrestling better than pro wrestling AGAIN, tennis is actually exciting, but only when John McEnroe is commentating, and had to sit through a boring Test series. I discovered a new wrestling territory, well its not new, but im very much enjoying Major League Wrestlings TV show every Saturday after getting home from the pub. I was considering doing reviews of their Television for this page but that would be writing for myself. Unlike these rants which is for everyone.


Few other off season items. I gave Footy Classified another go. What did a see? Chris Judd sticking it to Caro because she wasn/t invited to some AFL Meeting and he was. Maybe because she, I don/t know, isn/t a kiss arse to the league and actually will challenge the league and its officials when they need a foot up the arse, which is every 20 minutes these days. Then Hutchie tries to bang on and ave a go at her for an article in which she wants to keep the grand final during the daylight hours. Hutchie called it rubbish and said it must be twilight, then Said oh Australians will get over it. I don/t know why Hutchie has taken this stand, but the grand finals has always been on a Saturday arvo, why does it need to be changed? If it aint broke and all that. Id hate for 100 plus years of tradition thrown out the window for TV reasons, or because Gill needs to drop his kids off to polo practice before the game. Caro basically mentioned how SEN is the official AFL station which he owns and hes like oh im not copping that. Thats all he fucking is, a fat bully that when called out resorts to insults because he has nothing of relevance to say. Never had any respect for him.



Sam Newman said a bunch of stoopid shit basically to prove that hes still alive, but thankfully not relevant anymore. And watching the Richmond Blues game Thursday, was happy to see the standard of commentary hasn/t lifted. When Richmond got out to a 25 point, essentially match winning lead, Bruce asked Richo if the next goal was crucial. Richo replied good question, with no answer. Do people find Richo handsome? Because he certainly isn/t employed for his brain.



Anyway so with all the awful stuff happening in the world its god to ave footy back. As Warrick of Greville Records fame said to me recently, football brings us all together. Whether a junkie or judge, go to the G with a scarf, even on opposing teams, you/re amongst your own. As Hunter S Thompson once said a serious football fan is never alone, and I sure aint lonely. So with that, lets get to round one. And for something completely different we/re at the Balaclava.


Jo and Manuela greet me in the bistro area. I look at the countdown clock and see theres five minutes to go, plenty of time to smash a fag. I run in with two minutes to spear. Where Fred. Gordo? Pete? Dang. And no fucking sound on the telly. Anyway with 90 second to go before the bounce someone in the front bar changes the channel to the NRL. Why don/t they just piss in my mouth? I grab the remote and change it back and fuck we got sound. Thankfully the first voice I hear is of Sara Jones. Shes insightful, says interesting things and had no ego. A rarity in football. Can we please ave an all women lineup? All the females in the mainstream media ave no ego and make comments that make scene. Unfortunately the next voice I hear is JB and BT. And we also ave Richo and Lingy. Not exactly a MESEA meeting this lot. Corn Beef man walks in and put the remote further behind the bar. Onya CB. Cats win the toss but I hearing nothing but USA USA chants. Alright, we/re away.


Matrix kicks it straight to the Cats, Aish scoops loose ball kicks to a cat. Screwdriver has a kick but to a fucking cat. Three possessions all shit within 90 seconds. Cats ave the ball 65 out, they find Duncan, who I wouldn/t ave a beer with cause he aint my mate. Anyway he goals. That wasn/t in the script. Samurai to Matrix Brownlow to Dole Cheque thumping handball that went fifteen meters to Speedboy, Gooster to Pamela who marks 50 out. Cox is all alone waving but he gets no love, kick won/t make it Samurai is there but cant mark so he runs it over for our first score. As John Cougar Mellencamp is playing in the background. Hurt so good the song. Or was that just John Cougar? Or just Mellencamp? Beams does a good hit on a cat Krebs has it from 50 but he has fuck all to work with has theres cats everywhere. G Ablett 3 Votes off to Duncan but drops the mark. Crisp with a might kick, ball lands in the 50 again no one home to receive. Dole Cheque runs over for a minor. Samurai gets a free 60 out Aish cant grab, Dole Cheque picks up. Throw in. Awful skill levels the first few minutes. Throw in, Billy Elliot grabs the pill, hes off BANG HES BACK. 8-6. Thats better. Cats take straight up there end, stiff not to be paid a mark as Chris Scoot moans for the first time this year. Has anyone told him what a goose he looks like? I hope not as its great entertainment for me. At this point Manuela ask us on our traditions with the high fives and all that. She asks what she should so as a non fan. I encourage getting in on the high 5s but no dice. Roughead holds G Ablett 3 Votes, pinned yay. He cries. Just cop it Uncle Fester. Cats go 50 and finally we got numbers to combat it. Richo takes time to mention G Ablett 3 Votes has the most touches with six. He failed to mentioned only one was useful. Howe takes his first mark of the year contender. Beams has a bad miss, BT feels the need to point out hes a Collingwood player now. Was that to prove he knows which jumper is which? Gordon enters. Cox taps to Sidie prevents it going out and Cats pick up but kicks out on the full. Brownlow goes in the forward line Sidie keeps the ball in the scrummage, kicks to a 3 on 1 contest in favor of the Pies. The cat won the contest, for fuck sake. Cats go 50, there 30 out the daft fuck didn/t ave a shot he passed the ball on which resulted in a turn over. Fred enters and Manuela leaves us, but she gets three votes for giving her pint to Fred. Moore punches out of bounds, Howe beats Duncan on the line. G Ablett does something, unfortunately its a goal, meaning he/ll get his three votes. We go forward straight away, Cox is give a free, bang goal 15-14. We raise our hands up high. And within a few second straight up the guts BILLY. WE DANCE. 21-14. JB says the cats are desperate to hang on. ITS SEVEN POINTS IN THE FIRST QUARTER. Anyway MY BOY THE SHAG GETS A TOUCH. Ah it was shit. Fred mentions we ave to wait til September to get his money worth. Shag gets another one. Again nothing. Fuck, no wonder I smoke. Speaking of which


Quarter time

Pies 23

Cats 14


After smoko we see Stiflers Brother interviewing someones parents. The dad mentions the sacrifices with the long drives to the games. These poor people ave driven all this, ave sacrificed so much and their reward is meeting this giant tool whos only employed because of his brother. JB tries to be a man of the people by saying that town these people are from is a fine town. Fred mentions how Dole Cheque will be on the couch right now wanting to know what will be on Rage tonight. SHAG HAS ANOTHER KICK. Out on the full.  Dangerfield or DD has Jo calls him to make himself less dangerous, has a shoot, misses the lot. Fred says he earned his coin. This is a fucking weird game, this first half has been pathetic from a skill level perspective. Hawkins marks, goals. One point lead. Crucial point hey. BT says his first sports catch phrase by saying he/ll fight another day. I expect its a ring a ding ding next. Dole Cheque kicks to a cat, hes probably got his mind on what hes missing on telly tonight. He gets the ball back passes to Billy but hes held, Brownlow scoops and misses everything. Samurai gets a free, Chris Scott moans and I smile. Shag 35 out off to Crisp to Beams can only manages a point. Fuck this is painful to watch. Pamela soccers through the big sticks the cats say touched, it did look touched, the fucking review takes forever, this is pathetic how long it takes to get the answer, turns out it was touched. Seriously that took three minutes. Another great innovation Gill. Cox is 35 out, no angle, fucking misses im pissed but we cut to Harry Taylor who has Marty Feldman eyes, I loved that man so I get all happy inside. Matrix gets a fucking point. We could ave gone into half time with not a match winning but certainly a comfortable lead. This is the worst Pies performance ive seen in a while. The one saving grace is that the Cat aven/t capitalize on our shit skill levels. Samurai has a shot too. Sigh again a point. Billy marks 30 out. I hate to go all Richo and state the obviously, but for fuck sake me need this. THANK FUCK. AND I/LL SAY IT AGAIN BILLY BACK. WE DANCE.


Half Time

Pies 33

Cats 22

Since its half time, lets skip ahead to Saturday night. I went to Misery Guts for their third birthday celebrations and had a fabulous time. So much so I threw up twice. Congrates to Jules Mel and Sean on the success of the place, its a wonderful pub and one of the five best watering holes in Melbourne Amongst the start studded clients on Saturday was Stacey, where we both vented over the new rules. The 666 format the changes to the ruck and no runners where all thumbs down for us. Eddie Miller, one of the best singer songwriters going round today as also in attendance. Also a massive footy fan, we discuss the state of the game has on the players today, always in the spotlight and gone the days of drinking in the social club after a game. I mention an interview with Denis Pagan where he mentioned the culture of the Kangaroos in the 90s. The rooboys had a lot of Friday night games at the time and after recovery on a Saturday morning he basically said do whatever you want but know you/re coming back to training on Monday.  Bring that back I say. When Thomas and Keefe went down for two years for doing speed I was in two minds over it. It was a stoopid thing to do and for course they were gonna get caught but two years outta game was ridiculous and didn/t fit the crime. It’s a taxing toll being an AFL player, sure the money good but most would only get a few years and while set up it not like they can retire at 26. Im not endorsing players to get pissed but let em ave a beer. With the Thomas/Keefe thing, Brendon Goddard went on the footy show moaning sating he was angry at these two and the system in place. Again not encouraging players to do speed but stoopid young men on their off season, being kept on a tight leash, give em some slack. Dane Swan was a social butterfly in his playing days. He a premiership player and Brownlow winner. Whats Goodard got to show? A highlight reel of him looking angry and hitting lollies off the table. Hmmm, a beer with Swanny or a cup of tea with Brendon and in bed by 9? I know which road i/ll be taking thankyou.


And on that cue they ring the bell. Last drinks. AT 9:00. I run to get my hook in. Brownlow is said to be the leading possession getter but hes butchered it all night. Ange graces us, always got time for her. BT keeps banging on how Hawkins is stranded on 499 goals. I hope he gets it just to shut BT up. Dole Cheque gets a free to Matrix im hoping this quarter will be better in front of goal, off to Screwdriver he misses. And I mean everything. G Ablett also misses everything. Maybe he/ll only get two votes. Fred says him and DD ave earned their money big time tonight. Seriously these two ave been awful, can someone tell me why DD is worth the money? I never saw the big deal in the bloke. Pete enters, always great seeing the CEO. He asks what the deal is with the seating arrangement, I don/t like it either, was just like this when we got here. Cats run the ball out as JB asks Lingy a question. Who knows why? Aside from whats your name whats the point in asking him anything. DD cries as Pies are awarded a free. Sidie to Aish SHAG fucks up Selwood is all alone as JB says can he kick it. He does. JB proceeds to say Yes he can. Thanks JB I needed explaining which sticks is the six point area. Dole Cheque isn/t happy probably cause hes out of beer and hes worried hes gonna miss the start of Rage. As JB tells BT the game has gone up a notch. But he doesn/t say what level the notch is at. 7? 8? Cant go much higher. At this point I dropped my pen and my notes stopped for a minute. The nice fella at the bar provides me with one and I walk into see Brownlow goal. Straight up our end again Billy to the Gooster ten out an amazing kick and goal. Hey JB whats the notch up to now? He just stays quiet. I got three more lines of notes on the third quarter but its all gibberish and I gotta run to see the Hybernators at the Last Chances, I/ll finish the last quarter Monday


Three quarter time its all even.


Alright its Monday morning and im trying to finish this before work. Jo and Ange leave us as the Bistro is shut so we are asked to move to the Lounge area.  Fred breaks the seal round this point and I go for a dart in the den of sadness. Fred calls it, most goals will win. Thats why he earns the big bucks. Cats start with a point. Shag to Beams ends with nothing, Bucks is pisses and I am too. Howe marks in the cats 50, Pamela fucks up the kick, G Ablett 3 Votes is pinned, Hawkins kicks and misses the lot. Matrix to Screwdriver to the Gooster who also kicks out the full. Fred says he needs another drink driving charge so he can come back and play even better .Hey you saw how good he played when he returned last year. Freds comment makes more sense than anything Richo or Lingy ave said all night. Hey JB, where it the notch now? Anyway Aish passes to Dole Cheque marks 25 out, he fucking plays on and is pinned, Bucks is livid, im ropeable. He really must want to get out of here to watch Rage. Again my notes fail me, I guess Geelong scored and got the lead, now my notes say Cox passes to Beams and now scores are leveled. We bang the table, much to the disgust of the bouncer. He aint happy. We goal again and hit the lead. Poor Viv enters and she finds out the bouncer has cut as all off. What a shit bloke, all because we are aving fun and banging a table. Wouldn/t ave happened if Linda was there. God forbid we ave a nice time at the pub. Walked past him leaving after the game he really was a charmless man.

Anyway I lost interest round this time and we lost.


Cheese and capsicum dip are my dinner, I light up a fag and get a flam in my cooler/carry bag, I throw everything out and stomp on it as I venture home to check out Rage and see why Dole Cheque was in such a hurry to get home. Kate Summers bangs on how good the cats are despite the fact she didn/t watch the game and saw the scores on Twitter, which for me is a sad sight of the times if this is how people are following football now. She also kept banging on how Handsome Trav was, despite the fact she didn/t know he was a Geelong premiership player.


Sad effort round 1, but there was some positives, Son of Rowdy was alright, and Elliot is back. Roughhead was poor but plenty of blokes didn/t do much. Mind you the Cats weren/t that great, Ablett DD and Selwood where all shit, DD I never saw what the big deal in him was. The younins for the cats was what got em over the line, but fuck me what a boring style of football. Aint gonna win much fans with that game play.


Anyway I need to buy fags (Holidays 30 for 29.95 at the Woolies on Carlisle Street), watch the new episode of MLW and get sleep for the first time in three days. See yous at Book Club.




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