Round 2 v Richmond



Now. Last weeks game didn/t go to the script I had written for round one. The skill level was pretty poor and we had every chance to win the game, but too much piss farting around lead to a loss to start the year off. So hopefully they/ve pulled their finger out this week.


But before that a few things. I see James Hird has gotten a cushy job at the Hun. Essendons favorite son set the club back five years, got a the team suspended for a year, missed out on a finals campaign and fucked up some young mens life. He also ruined the good name of the Weapon, whatever his name was. And he never once admitted any fault, still banged on his is closing speech how great and wonderful he is. As mentioned a bunch of blokes lives ave been turned upside down and hes now got an easy gig on big money. He smells of arrogance as much as a smell of cheap cigarettes. He can piss up a rope as far as im concerned. And Eddie. Oh god what mess ave you got yourself into now. Im on the Swans side, throw the book at him. Hes said stoopid thing after stoopid thing and seems to just coast through unpunished. I was so disappointed when he labeled the Adam Goodes/King Kong episode as a storm in a teacup. Maybe for you but certainly not for Goodes, one of the few people in the game that deserved the title of role model. I don/t know what punishment would be suitable, but something needs to be done. To think he once was a hero of mine.


I don/t know about this Thursday night footy but i/ll give it ago. How bad can change be? I arrive at the balaclava to find St Kildas best barmen Mad Rad behind the bar and Keith, Sam and Fred at the card table. Some bloke enters who joined the table. He looks familiar. Maybe I know him from Dingley, or someones lounge room or toilet. Anyway he cool and good to ave him join us. I go out for a fag  and I see a women I think is Flang, when I scream he name no response, I turn to the bloke next to me and tell him he aint her. This fellas name is also Matt. I look after the Matts. He shakes my hand on aving the same name, but when I mention im a Collingwood fan he says well thats how where different Matt. Turns out Matt is an agnostic football fan, he just loves the game. Unfortunately when I ask if Matts a local he says hes homeless. After a quick chat Matt is off. Matt best of luck and please visit me at the Balaclava sometime. That bloke that joins us I never ever met before mentions Pies are favorites for the game, not sure how that works considering we lost and they won last week.

Since its open mike night as well as the pool comp we/re pushed into to bistro/lounge area. Theres a nice lady, Christine holding court in the nice chairs and is the Richmond fan for this article. Before the bounce Fred mentions his new pop band and talks how he wants to do a song mentioning all this Fall lingo. I know Fred can recreate the Mark E Smith voice so I ave total faith it will be a ripper.

Its standing room only and no sound but we/ve got the place to ourselves so I aint complaining. Levi will be tagging Dusty. Levi was the one inclusion replacing Son of Rowdy so interesting to see how he goes. That bloke (I think I know him from the old Mentone Hotel) makes the comment if Collingwood get ahead the commentators will say gee Richmond are missing Rance. Id like to think they aint that obvious but with the genius that is BT and JB doing the calling it/s a gimme. Game on. Krebbs held and given a free to start good touch to the Shag, butches it, Richmond enter there 50 with little resistance, thankfully they miss an easy chance to get a major. Cox marks in the middle of the ground, Dole Cheque to Sidie to Billy marks 35 out can only manage a minor, even game at one all. Mr Brightside Riewoldt is 50 out its within his range but the idiot passes and they miss hahahahaha. Beams gets a tap, gee im wondering what great piece of commentary JB would ave to say bout that. That bloke walks in with a $12 jug for us. I don/t know him but I immediately call him mate which I will refer to him for the rest of the article. Crisp thumped the pill Shag is there kicks to Roughead punch from behind see the ball go out of the pies 50 the tigers pounce but Moore is there and has an answer, good Mark 30 out from the Tigers goal. We cut to his dad Peter Moore in the stands. Geez he looks like Mark Latham. Thats obviously not a good thing. Matrix to Sidie Beams handball to Levi back to Beams Sidie to Billy. 50 out kicks half way to Cox 25 out in front. What a beautiful kick he has. We/re off. 7-2. Beams is given a free, Billy soccers, we dance to celebrate but we blew our load too soon, nothing comes from it. A shit free given against Cox, the Umps are heightest against Cox. Mr Brightside Riewoldt is pinned and we get the free. He crys of course like he always does. Glory Days by Springsteen is playing in the pub. I love the Boss but this was a lame autopilot track from him.  Dole Cheque is 15 out, we scream Everybody Loves Raymond and King of Queens to cheer him on.  We lose the ball, as our kind host Linda has arranged a table for us closer to the door. With sound. The very kind bouncer also helps us, Christen also joins us. The bouncer screams go pies. He mentions hes not a pies fan but hates the tigers. Good man. Dole Cheque has the ball as Fred says everytime he sees him he thinks of the My Favorite Martian theme. Tigers goal to make it even. I down my sorrows with the lashes my great mate I met tonight brought us. Shag handballs to the Screwdriver, dropped the ball, good hit from Trav, Aish goes 50 Tigers are waiting but cant hold for the mark. Roughead to the Shag, Moore is taken down and given a free. Good call Razor. Trav holds the ball to slow things down Pamela is there looking for the screwdriver but hes too far out and ends up kicking it on the full. Fred takes time to apologies for bad language, such as if they kick more goals we/ll win. Screwdriver to Speedboy outstanding 14-8. We hear special comments from Alley Homles. I like her. Meaning she wont last. My eyes light up when I hear the name Butler, I get up and scream in my best Blakey voice ILL GET YOU BUTTLER. Pies get the ball outta the tigers 50 Crisp loses it but Tigers are pinged straightaway we/re off, Screwdriver marks 30 out amazing goal 20-8. Tigers mark JB says its a good mark, even though it wasn/t paid. Krebs has the ball, is grabbed but get it out to Moore and holds off a goal but kicks straight top Dusty, as I scream fuck off Razor as a shit free is given against Langdon, Lynch gets an easy undeserving goal. Three inside 50s to the Pies within the last 50 leads to nothing as its smoko time.


Quarter Times

Collingwood 20

Richmond 14


I go to the den of sadness with a lady on one table and two ladys on another. The lady to my left goes to the other two on the right and asks em for a light. I pull mine out and she says your not a lady. And I say im neither a gentlemen. We laugh as I take my time and miss the first minute. Screwdriver is held and thrown out of bounds. Tigers are off Levi and Dusty are chasing each other, and its not even on Victoria Street. Dusty gets the ball and Levi runs him over as well. Levis done an outstanding job on Dusty so far. Dole Cheque taps to Billy but awful kick see the tigers in possession, Tigers to 50, Howe is pushing, grabs the bloke before the kick but the has little impact as its a good kick. Tigers score and all is equal again. Riewoldt is injured, didn/t look good but he stays on. The replay didn/t look good for his wrist. Tigers enter to 50 but Howe takes a ripper to resume normal service, Brownlow to Sidie thumping kick but he can only manage a crucial point. Cox to Aish handball to Dole Cheque but drops, the ball slips thought the Tigers as well, Brownlow back to Dole Cheque KING OF QUEENS 27-20. Tigers miss straightaway Trav again to Dole, hes on fire, he must really want to go home to watch the Office. Hope his housemate did the shopping. Linda says early days, thats why she gets the big bucks. Solid mark by Crisp on the wing, Billy kicks out on the full. Waz enters as Samurai to Brownlow to Krebs, Gooster is off 33-21. Mr Brightside kicks to Howe, Howe is called the mark specialist by JB. I would ave thought just marking the ball makes you a specialist, meaning 90% of the players are mark specialists. Pies chip in the tigers 50 as Shag controls it on the wing, kicks backwards to Beams punched by Lynch, Moore spoils Rioli to Aish Langdon he has no one to work with. Shag to Matrix to the Gooster drops picks up to Pamela Brownlow is running and cant be touched 45-21. Langdon paid mark over Dole Cheque as they both hold the ball after both went for the mark. Aint seen that before, as mate pointed out shouldn/t it be touched? Tigers come up and scoop Lynch too good Pies up by three goals. Christine is screaming go Tigers. Tiger go straight up the 50 again and Lynch once again goals. Fuck that wasn/t in the script. Unlike Dangerfield he does seem to be worth the money. We see Bucks with his scary Chopper Read mo, hed be scary to meet at half time avaing given away two quick goals before half time. Maybe he/ll take Howe and shoot him in the face in front of the old Bojangles for costing us that last one. But for fuck sake a free against sidie sees a third before the break. Three goals in three minutes, its anyones game. See even I can use expert commentary lingo. If only I got Richos wage.


Half Time

Collingwood 45

Richmond 39

great seven inch this.

Christine bids us good night as its time for another fag. The experts G Lyon comes up with its still a long way to go. Jonathan Brown is asked a question and you can tell his brain is going into overdrive trying to put all the words together. Sam enters with dice ad matchbox cars, I roll 2 sevens in a row as I take em home as I prepare to practice for the world series of dice. That has to be a sport, surely someone saw the Chappelle Show sketch and made a sport of it. As Matrix runs through passes to  the Shag, and did I just see that? HE GOALS. 51-39. Tigers go 50, JB says the ball is a good looking ball. Is there a good looking ball? Or an ugly ball. Beams tackles a tiger and is given a free for holding hahahahaha. Shag marks Screwdriver to Beams to Dole Cheque, nice to see he got off the couch to play. Billy losses the contest, throw in. high kick to the Shag Beams kicks to the Tigers, triggers kick but Dole Cheque beats em. Billy off to Sidie to the Gooster 45 out never in doubt 57-39. Gooster dragged, Ill never understand that, you kick  a goal, your hot, lets get you off. Modern football is rubbish like that, sidie falls to Matrix Beams to Pamela ball going towards the goals square but tigers scoop to prevent a crucial point. Good pressure from the Tigers slowing things down getting to the 50, Moore prevents an attack, Howe marks on the wing, straight to tigers. Sidie goes in the 50 as hes held and we reach a stalemate. Samurai good hit as its again umpires ball. Brownlow free as tiger fans are getting feral. I love it. Yes scream, all you want, your still losing. Unfortunately its on the full. Levi again hold Dusty, tigers go 50 and Dusty finally beats Levi. Fortunately he missed a 30 meter goal. Shit free sees Lynch with the ball. I cant read my own notes for a page, but I can read the part where it says Pamela to Dole Cheque goal 63-46. I run to the bar to get a jug as I see the tigers score in the pokies room telly. $13 JUGS. I love this pub. Shag to the screwdriver to Brownlow runs it over the tigers 50. Howe stops the ball going over the line as Jack falls over, Cox marks on the logo Samurai takes a great one handed mark kicks to the Gooster hes off plays on outstanding kick 69-52. We go 50 straight away as Pamela passes to Cox but misses. But crucial goal as it makes it an even three goals. Stoopid handball to the ground sees the Tigers take the ball but Moore takes care of em. Off to Aish Cox out in front but all the Tigers are there on him to prevent anything happening. Matrix given a free before the siren captain courageous goals as if there was ever any question over that as that takes me to smoko


Three quarter time

Collingwood 76

Richmond 58.


Tigers are complaining to Razor. Yes keep moaning until you cry you sooks.

Jo texts saying GO PIES.  The break involves discussions on dim sims (Marathon we agree is a great dimmie) and Waz mentions something bout McDonalds changing the meat to vegan and no one noticing the difference. People are that stoopid I can see that happening. Waz gets into Mr Football mode by saying the Pies ave done good but hopefully they wont run out of legs like they did in the grand final. He had to bring that up! Tigers go 50, Lynch handballs to Edwards explodes and goals. BT says they needed that. Butler is pinned, and I scream “THATS MADE MY DAY BUTLER”  Dole Cheque is 65 out he finds the Gooster 35 from home plays on kicks to Cox, hits the woodwork.  Brownlow sidesteps two blokes kicks to the Gooster Screwdriver to Crisp, beats two tigers, Pamela to Beams. JB says this is a big boy clash. Then says nothing. How much does he earn? Richmond bloke tackled by Brownlow, given free for holding, Samurai to Levi Matrix back to Pamela some bloke is chasing him. Almost gets him but too late. 90-66 (sorry I missed a goal). Tigers push, manage to get within 25 meters but cant get any further, Dole Cheque is given a free he find Matrix kicks to Billy, kicks to Pamela, handballs back to Billy, hes off no way there gonna catch him. No doubt about it HES BACK. 97-66. JB feels the need to show off his maths skills by saying gee its gonna be hard to come back from here. At some point Lynch thought he took a mark and the flog goes back to line up and is pinned. Best play of the game. Beams gets the ball after Levi takes care of Dusty. Hes been outstanding kept Dusty to nothing. . Langdon has also been good as he does a good in and out sidestep to kick to Billy high kick to Dole Cheque to Cox but  he cant hold, Dole Cheque to Samurai handballs to Billy to the Shag kicks to Pamela, plays on, too easy. 103-66. Straightaway the Matrix to the Gooster. That took 20 seconds. He on fire the Gooster. So much ive run out of pretend sperm. 109-66.

And what do you know ive; lost my last page of notes. Oh well.



Collingwood 116

Richmond 66


After the game Dole Cheque being interviewed so rude as he needs to get home to watch the comedy hour on ABC 2 or whatever they call it.

Fiona sends me a nice message saying well played. Meanwhile an old school friend the Chief feels the need to moan and cry re the umpires. Chief when you lose by more than eight goals I think you can drop the umpires excuse. Also which decisions where wrong? I think the umps got it right expect all the ones that went against us. I like how the only time the Chief seems to get in touch is when the Pies play Richmond, and hes either moaning over a loss or insults me before the game. Before the prelim he called me a window licker, whatever that means. Chief if your gonna insult me call me a cunt or some proper real insult not something a four year old would say. I like how didn/t message me in my birthday but felt the need to moan after a loss. Anyway you/re alright Chief, by me a beer soon.

After a poor start the Pies played a decent game with a outstanding fourth quarter. A lot of blokes that were slack last week lifted, Brownlow, Dole Cheque, Cox and the Gooster were outstanding, while Levi was brilliant tagging Dusty outta the game. Next week the Eagles, lets see if we/ve learned from last year.

As Dutch Mantell would say (as he stole from Chevy Chase) Im Matt Ryan, and you/re not see yous next week



Posted on 2 Comments

2 thoughts on “Round 2 v Richmond

  1. Gold again! Wish I was there!

    1. Cheers GG, see you tonight

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