Round 3 v West Coast

Now. It/s the grand final reply, both teams 1-1 and neither team is playing these sides are capable of. I always love the first match the two previous years grand finalists play off in, as the commentators say the team that lost is out for revenge, because a win in April is really the same thing as a win in September. Or October, whenever the fuck the grand final is played. After a brilliant second half to bring home the bacon against the Tigers, the Pies will need some of that magic to beat the Eagles. Lets see if they can do it. Our venue tonight is Lost. After aving a few with Rusty of Cold Harbor fame, one of the best blokes I know at the Bowlo, I jump the tram to get to Lost on Barkley for the game. Ive lost my lighter, fuck, so I need to go via the 7 11 for fire. I buy matches, as I walk in to Lost I find the lighter in the fags packet. Where it always is.


Walk in and see where six up and the CEO Pete is right at the door watching. Ive always got time for him. My gracious Hosts Sef and OG also greet me. Nine Pound Hammer is playing on the YouTube and will be the soundtrack for most of the game. As mentioned we/re one good kick ahead, I ask Pete who the goal kicker was and he doesn/t know as the TV wasn/t on standby for our arrival. I start taking notes round the ten minutes Mark, and when I start picking up the action Howe is hit, and fuck me, THE SHAG has an effective possession. They handball back to him, hes pinned. HE GETS A FREE. TWO TOUCHES IN EIGH SECONDS. Does an alright but effective kick to Beams. The Shag was kicking in danger before the free was paid. Pete inquires if that counts as a possession. Three touchs in a few seconds. Hes already got one Brownlow vote. Howe gets a free, Moore is pinned for throwing. I keep hearing this Eagles name, Shuey. Hmmm I recently met legendary Shonkytonk drummer Shoebox. Is that him? Hes now running a pub in WA. Its highly plausible. Brownlow marks. Pete wonders of he/ll be the next captain? Well he doesn/t ave any drink driving episodes or been done for taking speed at the St Kilda fest. Shag intercepts a mark from  Darling. Fuck give that man a new contract. Max makes an appearance out of nowhere, good to see him and his partner and daughter. JB says the Samurai is a big presence. Well when you/re over six foot I would say yes you are a big presence. Good 1-2 handball from Cox to Pamela he finds Billy on the run, but Eagles are standing in front, Aish picks up the loose ball, Beams off to Dole Cheque, passes to Adams kicks to the Gooster, plays on for some reason. Shit kick sees the Eagles regroup with the ball. The Eagles waste no time, Howe is the only one there to fight off this charge, somehow gets it out, off to Pamela finds Aish and handballs, but he does it while hes standing by himself and is pinned. Again its my biggest peeve in football, handballing to a bloke standing still. It usually fails. Brownlow scoops the pill finds Cox on  the 50. What a kick. 18-7. Screwdriver to the Gooster Billy kicks short to Pamela not 15 finds Brownlow, plays on the deadshit, finds Cox but hes held. Fuck that was a wasted opportunity. Pete says thats why you don’t handball to a bloke thats seven foot tall. We get the ball straight back in the 50 but fuck theres no one to pick it up, Gooster receives a kick from the Eagles but sweet fuck all comes from it. Langdon trys to be too cute and he gives the Eagles an easy free. The Gooster takes on two Eagles players. Outstanding effort. But the Eagles numbers outmatch the lack of players we ave down the back line, and they end up playing kick to kick for a minute. Its all too easy for em. Moore concedes the ball over the line for a behind. The Eagles want deliberate. He was one CM from the line with a bloke right there. What the fuck was he meant to do? SHUT UP. The Shag gets another effective possession and the siren sounds.


Quarter Time

Collingwood 19

Eagles 8


Weird quarter. Few chances that went missing, but the pressure in the backline was great. Keeping the Eagles to one goal was a good effort but considering we had most of the possession we should ave at least kicked 5 goals.


Matrix kicks to the 50 finds Krebs, Dole Cheque cant hold mark, Eagles given a shit free and easy goal. SHAG MARKS. Hes now up to two Brownlow votes, short kick to Samurai, finds Beams on the wing finds Roughead to Howe finds Shag, hes held. Pete mentions three touches in in ten seconds. Is he up to 20 possessions? Brownlow to Cox but has butterfingers Aish finds the Shag, hes 45 out. Oh good hes going for two goals in two games. Dare to dream. Nothing comes of it. Well I guess he is human as he misses the lot. Shag handballs to Matrix kicks to Dole Cheque 40 out on an angle that wont be an issue as I scream King of Queens. 26-15. Good hit by Adams but is penalizes and gives away a bullshit 50, but the kick gets what it deserves as Langdon kicks to Crisp, Moore is the target but theres three Eagles round him, he had zero chance. Kennedy goals. Oh and somewhere round this time Moore goes off the ground, they cut to his dad, who as I mentioned looks like Mark Latham, worried he was injured. There was no incident he just went off. Dr JB and Nurse Lingy are speculating, but he comes on and plays the rest of the game. Guys you had a doctor on the team years ago. You barely say anything useful when it comes to football so please don/t comment on an area you actually need brains to talk on the subject. Shag gets two more touches, the second one was good. Eagles go 50 thankfully is rushed but get another goal straightaway. Three points down. Matrix kicks right through the guts Howe to Adams handballs top Brownlow BANG 35-32. This Shuey bloke is on fire. Hey Shoebox what the fuck, I thought you was a good pieman. Great mark from Krebs passes to screwdriver, as a cunt act from the Eagles, he bowls over his knees. Ump blows his whistle, the Pies think its theres but this daft cunt ump pays against us. And a 50. They get a ridiculous goal. You can see from the lack of hi 5s the Eagles aint thrilled to take it. Dangerfield even tweets to say what a stoopid act. Shag gets a free. This is possibly the game of the year where seeing. Billy marks 60 out Brownlow passes to Cox, hes held and gets a kick for his trouble. Shanks the fucking ball. On the full. Eagles go 50 after a bunch of nothing Darce says Eagles on top. Thanks I couldn/t make that out from the score. Thankfully they miss. Roughead to Krebs leads to Brownlow marks 30 out. JB says it would be good for the pies to get to single figures in terms of margin before the main break. Son of Bucks does what he does best. One more inside 50 leads to jackshit



Collingwood 39

Eagles 48


We had the chances bit couldn/t capitalize, while the Eagles took every chance they got and made us many blokes gone MIA.

Half time I inform Pete of the brilliant Hybinators gig last night, and Dickos plans for a statue outside whatever Olympic Park is call now of Tarkyn Lockyer. What a beautiful kick he was kicking out from the goal square.  I want  statue of Leigh Brown, then Tarkyn next.

Bunch of amazing handballs from the Gooster and a soccer sees Sidie kick the ball straight to an Eagle, as we see Buck facepalm. Some amazing commentary from that double act Abbot and Costello, sorry I mean Darce and Lingy. Darce says geez Collingwood fans wouldn/t be happy with this. While Lingy makes the groundbreaking revelation that the Eagles are mostly recruiting kids of WA. A WA team recruiting kids from their own state. What a shock. Speaking of WA recruits this fucking Shuey is killing us. Shoebox I thought we were friends? As the Pogues plays upstairs, we/re not playing well, but Pete aint fusses, its the loss we had to ave and we always start slow. Thats why he earns the CEO money. The commentators pump up shitcunt Gaff with all his stats. They didn/t mention how many teenagers he punched today. Adams has a shot as JB says we need this. Pete mentions the callers  must walk out thinking how do we live with ourselves with such amazing insight. Sidie marks hes laughing 41-60. Pete shows his knowledge saying we need another. And another. Maybe another. Darce says that was a significate goal, as opposed to all the others. Roughead punches to Howe. As we see Bucks pissed Richo says the pies need to take a risk. JB pumps up Gaff, failing to mention the awful character he is.

Matrix to Greenwood to Billy who finds the Gooster, fuck he plays on and we see a rare miss. Big Star plays as I write this with a fag in my mouth as I need a break. Hell with the way we/re playing I could smoke Dave Allen under the table.


Three quarter time

Collingwood 48

Eagles 68


We find out whats on Travs I pod. Oh Trav really? Spiderbaits Black Betty. Lame. Free to the Shag as Pete says Lingy is about to jump on us and praise us. The draft fucks must ave a script, I refuse to believe there that stoopid. Well actually I can. I mention to Pete watching the womens game last week I was amazed at all the lady commentators, they was smart, insightful, all calls and made good comments on why a player won or lost a contest. No doubt Richo pulled them aside after and gave him his one liners, such as they need a goal. Thomas kicks a goal which is described as smart footy. Pete informs me we need more goals. Lingy says the Pies need to be more careful. In what way should be bubble wrap the ball? Pete reckons he only knows about 15 words. Im guess more like 10. Cunt Gaff kicks out on the full. The fans in the crowd hold a sign signing his praises. Oh for fuck sake. Ive gone off on him before but hes a cunt and West Coasts response to this whole affair made me sick. Adam Simpson refusing to condemn him and the dickhead present aving a go on the poor Freo player who was on the otherside of the knuckle. Then after being found guilty he bangs on and pisses in his own pocket and talks what a great character he is. Gaff you/re a thug and all the players who supported him are mindless sheep. Don/t give me the good bloke shit, good blokes don/t throw brutal blows to the head, and the ones that are are cowards, like Gaff.

And before you go accusing me of bias, hey read my rants last year, I called the Gooster a shit bloke for his drink driving adventures, and ive slandered our present for his foot on the mouth episodes. Shag is given a free. Game of the century. Round 3 will be now known as the Shag round. Three votes to him. Beams kicks a goal, JB says 22 points down, with three seconds to go as if that is a gettable margin with plenty of time left.

We bid Sef farewell, being a pisshead I need one more beer before I get Daves Chinese. A get a beer at Surabaya Johnnys. The Hanks are playing; I tell Fred the sad news yet tell him the Shag was outstanding. Gordon sings Drinking thing, THE Gary Stewart a song me and Brad comment means a lot to a lot of the patrons in attendance. Cocktails by Robbie Faulks, and Wrecking Ball all get a run as i need to go home.

The next day I see Pete as Dogs, and we bring up the comment Lingy made, re the lines, he said the Pies need to get the lines together. But which direction? I would like to ave thought someone would pull him up but there all to stoopid to know what he said was ridiculous.


Well we lost by a few goals but the margin didn/t reflect how good the eagles was and how shit we were. Few blokes impressed me. Shag was in career best again. Roughead did nothing to impress me  but he wasn/t alone. As Jack and Bernie 1 pointed out maybe not the best move watching a game of football in a place called Lost. With the Doggies and Lions in the next fortnight we need to stop pissfarting  soon and remember how to play like we did last year.  And of course kick more goals because I hear thats how you win.


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