Happy Birthday Amy, Bernie Pete
After an ordinary performance last week, and aving lost two games we could ave easily won, the Pies need to ave more that round 2 performance this week. When we/re at our best I believe no one can beat us, we can run any team off the field. The Doggies seem to finally ave gotten the mucus off their brain and the premiership hangover is over. And with the Suns winning games now it seems no one is a guarantee win anymore. Im always excited for a Pies game but tonight im more excited than possibly ive ever been before. My boy the Shag reaches his 200th game tonight. Ive always been a massive fan of his. I never ever in these rants on in my zine Munster slandered him, I never said anything like why the fuck are we paying him so much money, or which idiot decided to recruit him, or said his haircut is shit, no ive always, er, loved him aaaaaarrrrr. And and we/re back home this week. I don/t mean the G im talking the Balaclava.
For tonights game Trav has been included at the expense of Greenwood, and Son of Rowdy is a last minute call up for Beams. I arrive at Surabaya Johnnys to see Fred and Dave. Always the best Friday knock off gig. I walk in just in time to hear them do the Jimmy Buffet classic Why don/t we get drunk and screw. The CEO Pete is here, we/re getting closer to the bounce, I advised Gordon we would be at the Balaclava.im looking at the phone, as Fred and Dave launch into Dads Army we/re 15 minutes from the start and it/s a ten minute walk. After She took a lot of pills and died, Fred launched into his beautiful spoken word piece Bolt to the Bala, and we need to bolt as its five minutes to showtime. Me and Pete bolt but after a few meters I see Fred putting some music on, fuck we need to run, I wanna see the Shag banner. We bolt for it, Fred mentions an art installation in one of the trees near town hall. We find it and marvel at it. It’s a big brick the size of a bank safe in a tree. I can imagine someone we know walking under it and failing down on em, a la Warren Brothers cartoon style. Im in deep thought on how many goals the Shag will kick tonight and he/ll play so well Brownlow betting will be suspended. Fred say they/ll ave to rename it the Shaglow. Stand there for a minute before fuck its started and I miss the Shag banner. Fuck, feels like a waste of a night.
We arrive five minutes in with the scores at zero apiece. Gordon and GG (who is here) are there, with a well arranged table for us. Onya lads. Fred kindly gets the first round in. Sidie taps to Pamela Cox takes on two comes out on top, handballs to Matrix, the Gooster is held, free, Matrix cant hold the mark. Gordon kicks off the special comments saying things are getting heated. Dole Cheque kicks to the Gooster but a bloke is all over him, given a free 15 out. No way hes gonna miss that. 6-0. Fake sperm is unleased. Roughead to the Screwdriver Pamela is free Dole passes to Brownlow 50 out, Speedboy chips to Crisp handballs to the Gooster again, brilliant passage of play. Trav taps the pill but the bounce is bad Sidie is hit and its umps ball. Trav wins the tap but a shit kick sees Mullet Man of the Dogs with the ball. He misses as Freds heart bleeds tears for that. GG asks if its crucial point? We/ll see. Richo says the Pies need to go long. Seriously you got Leigh Matthews possibly the greatest player and coach of our times and this clown. We need to discuss the backwardness of commentators in this country. JB says the Dogs need a goal. Adams taps to the Samurai has a shoot, couldn/t find the middle. I call Grundy the Samurai but the rest call him the barista, GG says thats a flat white. Shit kicks sees the Pies with the ball, Dole Cheque to Cox off to the Gooster misses, as BT tells us this is a slow start. The ball is in the center of the ground, to which JB says is a dangerous part of the ground. As opposed to the goal square? Pamela takes on the Dogs, comes out with the ball, Sidie has it now, JB says he never drops the ball. He does this time. Fuck you Brawshaw. . Samurai is dragged and given a free. BT calls this a funny game. How is it funny? Like all those ole 40s films where they called guys funny, but they weren/t funny in a haha way, or are they Bill Hicks funny or Big Bang Theory funny? Since BT doesn/t impress me and the game is shit so far him going Big Bang funny. Dole Cheque gives away a free for high. Im pissed. Then I see the reply he belated the bloke in the face. Yeah fair call. Nothing comes of it. The Pies go inside 50 but straight to a Dogsman. They chip around for 40 seconds which leads to sweet fuck all. The ball barely left the Pies 50. I need a fag oh fuck im out. GG saves my life. As I try and contemplate what the fuck all that chipping around was for. What did that accomplish?
Awful quarter, both teams where terrible, we should ave at least kicked three. Don/t know about the Doggies just chipping at the end, there was enough times for them to score, not very inspiring footy. Mr Football Waz enters with Ange, I mention im pissed because the election is the same day as the Pies Saints game. And its a 1:45 start. I can vote early but then I didn/t get the sausage in bread. Tez and GG are anti the snags. Must a chef thing, I want my sausage in bread damn it thats democracy I thnk. Waz wants answers why only 11 points where scored for the quarter. Dole Cheque marks in the 50, I see my notes are a bit light, I see Pete rolling a durry on my notes, finally the/ve gone to some good use. Trav marks 45 out, Mr Football is in awe of his legs, almost drooling, and the legs to their job. 14-3. GG not impressed with the hi 5s, Fred asks how hes week has been aving had to met with the PM. BT says the Dogs need to move the ball quickly. Whats even more pathetic then that statement is the fact that Richo said the same thing a few minutes earlier. A Dog that looks like Matrix marks 40 out. Carey calls it a poor turnover. I think the fact its a turnover proves its poor thanks Wayne you cunt. He goals to which JB says was much needed. He cops a wedge for his trouble and also is dragged for his efforts, why they drag em after a goal I will never know does my head in. Straightaway Screwdriver goals 20-9. Gooster has a stoopid miss. JB says its trench warfare. Really footy is a trench warfare situation? Anyway its my hook beers for me Tez Pete and Fred. When I returns Sidie to Speedboy bang 28-11. Dole Cheque from the pocket kicks to the Gooster gets hit by bloke with the helmet. The Dogs goal as JB says that’s better. A dogs bloke has the ball, he looks like a 16 year old kid with bumfluff trying to buy beer. Aving done that I should know. Tom Sniders Beer Run plays through my hair. Moore intercepts a mark 20 out, as JB says the game has opened up. Cunt act of a dive from a dog, but Moore thumps the ball Brownlow is held no free, the Dogs enter the 50, theres two of em all alone, two easy. Tez says he wont kick it. He misses as BT says was never a chance. He was 50 out and kicked the ball, I think he did ave a chance. Pete says we need the Shag, doesn/t matter we/ll do it for him. GG says JB is saying pounded a lot, probably due to Dog Pound. Dogs are given a 50, Richo thinks the ump gave him an extra 10 meters. They fucking replay the walk three times with Richo trying to do the maths on the amount of distance covered. I want to see Richo with that fucking wheel thing that clicks to find the distance at half time trying to solve this issue only he gives a fuck about. Clearly his job as a professions talker isn/t working out for him. Aish marks 10 out from Dogs goal Trav to Billy marks 30 out, im getting ready to dance by the fucked up big time. Richo says he needs to practice his goal kicking. I want to ave a sip of beer so I can spit it out. POT KETTLE BLACK. Trav explodes to Dole Cheque he wants the gooster but was pulled. Free with 17 seconds to go. He misses as I run to buy fags.
I run and buy some Holidays as Bernie 2 Legs has arrived. Oh and by the way we almost got thrown out. Well not all but one member was, but as GG says one out all out. Some petty bullshit that happened in round one, we weren/t misbehaving, it was us being us, our carry ons and celebrations we do all the time. We weren/t pissed. Drinking? Yes, but not pissed. Apparently we can do that in one bar but not the other. Yet round two they put us in that bar and we were fine, and on this night there was no one there. I liked the fact they tried to pull our mate aside, as if they were trying to shame him, but of course we all saw through it. I like the pub don/t want to knock it and most of the staff look after us but it was a nothing incident that got blown outta the water, and just seemed an opportunity to flex some muscle or something. Anyway we stayed and all was good but again a nothing incident leads to this. Im sure anyone that watches footy with us will walk away saying where nice fun people to watch a game with, thats why our non Collingwood mates watch the game with us. Anyway rant over, back to, uh, the rant.
Every commentator says this is a funny game, again how funny or what funny they don/t say. Dogs start the quarter by chipping round, Tez says when Wells returns we will improve by 25%. Fred asks me to put in the minutes hes breaking the seal, his first time since he left the house. Dogs goal as JB says good start and BT says they need more of that. Dogs miss, getting closer and closer as the callers remind us. Gordon wants to see Cox on Suckling. Cox falls on Trav hit to Son of Rowdy Pamela has a run misses from 15 out. The Bont marks on the 50 passes to a bloke but Moore intercepts Gooster is hit and given a free Trav 20 out just misses. 6 point game. Crisp to Krebs Cox handballs to Adams but loses it, to much pissing about. Somehow regroup and Gooster marks 40 out, terrible kick and theres four Dogs and one of us, they take it but straightaway and Moore punches over for a rushed, hes been in outstanding form. Dogs snap and scores are leveled. Tez says next goal will be important. Bernie goes one better and says next goal will win. Son of Rowdy to Billy Aish to Billy again 20 out. Bernie and GG aint happy as it looked like the ball was touched. Im like whatever umpires call is final. Then he fuckes up and a free is paid against Billy, im filthy as GG says karma and we laugh. Good to ave GG back. Mind you that other bloke did buy us a jug. Dogs take a mark, JB says he had no idea what was coming. What the ball coming his way with his hands in a marking position? Dogs are now ahead. GG mentions the crucial point. Matrix to Crisp from 40 out can only manage a minor, 5 down now. Cox to Sidie to the Gooster but the kick is terrible as GG asks if either team will make it to 60 points. Cox punches to Billy hes off I love him 39-38 as I take a piss break. I walk in and see the Doggies goal and retake the lead. Sigh. And they get another. Fuck sake. GG reckons the Dogs will make the grand final, I disagree, we ave ten clams on it. On the 50, Cox taps to Trav handballs to Pamela I think hes gonna get hit, but no, brilliant spin round for a major. 45-50. Dogs go 50 in a matter of seconds. Roughead is there handballs to Howe, Gordon says if we kick more goals and the Dogs kick none we will win. We take time to mention the pathetic sign for the interchange. As GG mentions the EPL ave electronic signs with sponsorship, the AFL looks like a blank piece of wood with the number written in texter. Not much else happened, but Mr Football Waz has a great analogy, he says this game is like a pub game of pool, plenty of potting the balls but not covering the pockets.
3 Quarter Time
Richo says we need more inside 50s. What a motivator if that doesn/t get us over the line nothing will, even more inspiring then doing it for the Shag. Trav to Matrix, Moore is held but somehow gets it out, but lays a shit handball to Krebs two dogs tackle him, umps ball. Good hit 20 from Dogs home sees Moore with the ball but another shit possession sees it out on the full, 60 from Dogs goal. Crisp spoils the kick Matrix crumbs it passes to Pamela finds Billy on the run to Cox, Dole Cheque holds it up, finds Pamela on the run plays on Screwdriver in the square no way hes gonna miss and we get the lead back. 51-50. Richo says sold the dummy, GG says he stole that from rugby. Free to Pies Pamela fucks up the contest Tez aint happy, Sidie to Brownlow Cox marks 30 out the dogs cry hahaha. Was it touched? I aint complaining. 59-57. Gooster free Trav kicks out on the full. Son of Rowdy marks 40 out, just awful off the boot. 60-57. JB tells us that wasn/t his best. Trav to Dole Cheque cant hold leads to throw in. Aish to Screwdriver Brown to Speedboy Cox 40 out
At this point my notes got mixed up so if the order and score is out of order thats why.
Top mark Waz asks why Cox lifts one sock up and one sock is down. Leads to him a point. Krebs is hold Aish gives him a hand but loses it Cox smoothers the ball, does it redeem the awful kick. Not for now. Langdon marks 30 from Dogs home he finds Sidie but he cant get there in time. Cunt free for deliberate GG say this is crucial seconds as we laugh off our chairs. BT says there will be one more goal left scored in the match. Pamela 65 out Gooster is the recipient passes to Speedboy and is that the last goal of the night? 66-57. Dogs goal. Two goals, BT lied to me. JB says that was BIG. Gooster to Sidie Trav 65 out speedboat finds Billy on the boundary 35 out. Tough kick will he kick it? Waz says no Tez yes. Damn you Waz, crucial point. At this point im thinking where the fuck is Fred and Pete. Sidie to Aish to Adams Gooster Cox Trav Billy to the Gooster 40 out fuck sake he kicks out of bounds. GG calls it a crucial throw in. I prefer crucial points. Fred and Pete enters cox as the Gooster Trav to Billy no mark Dogs free Dole Marks gets another point, Fred mentions Dole Cheque needs to get out of here so he needs to get home to watch King of Queens. . Son of Rowdy to Pamela to Cox back to Pamela and hey BT its been four goals. 72-57. Dogs fucking goal. BT says theres plenty of time. At eight minutes yes thats plenty. Trav on the 50 finds Cox Billy on the run outstanding 78-63. Tap from Cox Matrix to Aish to Crisp. With two minutes im calling it. I blow bubbles from my Collingwood pen. Pamela loses a one on one contest. Adams uses a claw according to JB Get Smart. Cox marks and that will do us.
They want us out so they change the channel to the 20 20 cricket game but with four runs needed off last ball we/re watching. No ball. Bang. Shit ball the batter hits it for six. I ave no idea who is who but we blow the roof off and start hugging and cheering. After the game we admire the artwork outside the I Love This Shop as I hang out with Bernie and GG while waiting for there tram. GG tells me I can watch Roaming Brian, or Bumbling Brian as Leaping Larry L calls him. (for this that want a good football coverage check out Leapsters podcast at the Leapster Bugle). These poor players, surely theyd be thinking was a win worth this?
Scrappy win but i/ll take it, we had moments of brilliance but still so much pissfarting round. Roughead has improved a lot, but we need the Sack, and also the Hyphen. And of course the Shag. At our best we can match anyone and I believe it will come out soon, specking with James Lomas the next day he mentioned he wouldn’t be surprised if we won eight in a row. I think we can too.
Thanks for reading, see yous Thursday, probably at the Bala for the Lions game