Round 5 vs Lions

Coming off two wins the Pies travel to Brisbane for a much anticipated bout. Brisbane after coming off the best worst season ever ave hit form and are in playing some good footy. On top of that the Suns are now winning games, so for the first time in ten years people in Queensland are giving a fuck about football. Another Thursday game, I don/t mind Thursday footy but don/t care for it much when the Pies play. Anyway lets go to the Balaclava for the action

I walk in the door at 6:30 and am greeted by St Kildas best bartender Mad Rad. He looks at Loki and they figure which ones gonna tell me news. HAPPY HOUR ENDS AT 6 NOW. I DON/T LIKE CHANGE. I remember back in the day when it was $6 pints all day everyday. No happy hour, that was happy days. Sigh. Im greeted by good Pies man Ash and Welsh Mick, I always ave time for em. Aving a durry on Carlisle Street I hear a mighty go lions its proud Lions man Dave wearing an old Roys jumper. Sam is already here, Fred Keith and Pete all join us. Me Sam and Fred break the seal for the $50 trivia voucher we won last night (onya Leroy). GGs coming later, he was on our team last night too (team name Hot Hunchbacks). We spend it without GG. He/ll never know he/ll never know. Sim, the biggest Lions fan I know arrives. This women picks the Lions everyweek, her faith love and dedication to her team is something to truly admire.

After deciding which room to watch we figure either the back room or the front bar. Me and Sim arrive at the front bar with two minute to the bounce as we leave the rest in the office part. Sim predicts either a blowout or a close game. I need another fag before the bounce, I run to the cage ave a nice natter with Mick run to find i can see Sim but i see we already scored a goal. As i run to the back room with a table i ask who scored? Fred blows fake sperm to indicate it was the Gooster. Dole Cheque has the ball hes 45 out he can kick it from here low ball but gets through the traffic it falls short but dribbles through for a goal. Looks like a goal anyway. 14-0. We are shown the replay looks like a goal. i/ll take it. More on that later. Lions regroup straightaway after the bounce and kick their first major making it an eight point game. Feel sad as one of the front bar regulars Scott the Scott is leaving us to go back to the motherland, amazing singing voice and also all round bloke you can trust. One of the few people that gets away calling me Matthew. Even tap in the centre Free to the Pies 30 from goal Dole cheque kicks a booming ball Matrix grabs the scraped ball can only manage a behind. Lion kick in but arrives at Crisp. Cox falls as he takes the mark as Lions jump on it. Aish good hit tackle off to the Gooster at this point we see the interchange sign. its a slight improvement from last weeks one. no advertising but as least the numbers not written in biro. Trav to Cox from the middle Billy to screwdriver marks 53 out from home. im missing the no sound as im dying to know what BT or JB will say. Probably he needs this. It/s like Fred Basset, the one time I don/t hear the commentary is probably the one time they say something insightful. Im still waiting on that and for Fred Baset to say something funny. Falls short as the lions punch over for a single. Sting is playing in the background. God give me BT and JBs high pitch screaming then this rubbish. Aish to Pamela 35 bout. No chance he/ll miss that. 22-6. Lions once again go bang straightaway and reduce it to ten points. At this point my hair is being yanking and its done by the lovely Viv who kindly gives me a hat. Lions hit the post. Finally where given a 50. Low ball to Cox and again its too short for him as Lions scope. Low kick by the Lions looks shit but it enough as the margin is back to two points. Next is crucial according to Pete as Pete brings up BT last week how they mentioned on talking footy his comments on one more goal left in this game. For those playing at home there was four more goals, so happy that flog got his right wack. . Trav to Cox, Cox is the new Buddy in the senses they just feed it to him no one else. Mark to Cox not paid Trav misses to the left to take it to three points. Cox is 55 out centring ball Lions take out Dole Cheque free to Son Of Rowdy  25 out handballs to Speedboy. Must ave gone to the POW cause he was never gonna be caught. 29-20. we need sound to hear Beams getting booed. Brownlow again to Cox hes 40 out on a right angle. Brilliant kick more of that please. 35-20. Moore marks in the middle of the ground what a revelation hes been in the backline as Sim, and Dave exit as they head to the Village Belle a place I really don/t care for. The only way you/ll see me there is if im five times over the legal driving limit. Billy marks 40 out kicks to Adams passes back to Billy as we get out our dancing shoes on 41-20. A Ha is playing via the jukeox, for fuck sake. i hate this song. Even hate that shit video everyone bangs on bout. Brownlow Kicks to Pamela five meters from the line this could get ugly. 47-20. Lions go 50 Roughead marks and that takes us to smoko.

Quarter Time

Collingwood 47

Lion 20

Fatboy Slim is playing in the den of sadness. Like hearing this song, i always thought the line was i ave to praise you like a shoe, when its really [praise you like i should. i prefer mine. run in to see the lions kick a point. but then they goal straightaway. Sam rolls some air and runs out. she runs back in asking why none of us went. The second quarter just started. Mind you i never seem to see an opening bounce due to smoking. i even missed the opening bounce on grand final day. Thats probably my only motivation to quit. Daft Punks one more time plays as it reminds me as i was tripping balls when they played at the music bowl or dancing to em while high on glue when I was 16 but thats another story. Lions kick a goal by some fella with god knows what you would call that haircut. Petes theory is that he was cutting his own hair and the electricity company cut his electricity off and now hes stuck with that. But Fred says we can/t mention shit haircuts due to Moores hair. Cox marks as i run into the lounge which is free to see of that telly has sound. No dice. . Pamela hits the post 49-26. We run to the lounge as the nice barman turns the sound up. Screwdriver to Sidie 50 out JB says never in doubt of course it was never in doubt you idiot. Lions again get another straight away as Bruce says thats as good as it gets. What a goal in the second quarter when you/re losing? Not raising the cup at the end of the season. In the front bar a fella doing open mike is doing Lonely Boy by the Black Keys. The original is a catchy dance tune, this is depressing, this lad is a lonely boy going off this song. Aish free to Brownlow to Pamela fights two lions Gooster is on the line outstanding play 55-34. Son of Rowdy to Aish 45 on an angle as Chris Isaac is on open mike, oh god kill me now. i didn/t care for the original let alone someone else doing it.  Cox cant hold on to the ball Billy runs loose but too late. Out and for some reason deliberate that Bucks is fuming over. Pamela takes outstanding mark but kick is Shit. Also with no Shag we wonder who is gonna get the Brownlow votes? Hodge is being interviewed on the boundary. Why? Days later he would slag of Damien Barrett over doing this, two shit blokes going at it which lead to Hodge calling Barrett a knob. Cant belive im saying this but onya Hodgy. i don/t ave a problem with it i doubt its compromising his game i just think it gives us nothing and theres no point to it. Screwdriver is hit and given a free. Pete says that the Lions are going the biff but it aint working. Samurai is given a free into the 50 again no mark from Cox. Shit haircut guy kicks to the Gooster. Shit kicks sees a point with 26 seconds to go Lions kick to Moore and that will do.

Halt Time

Pies 57

Lions 36

Our favourite Open Mike performer Matt arrives and we marvel over his brilliant 73 Ford. Sam Jones mentioned On the Couch is back for 2019. i think when its been back for five weeks you don/t need to say its back as its already on air. 

At this time i break the seal and see Fred writing my notes for me. hes what he said.

No, IT KICKS GOAL

MACAVANEY SAYS OOHH I LOVE IT WHEN THE CUM DRIBBLES DOWN MY THROAT!

Matt is back now, thanks Fred, back to the broadcast.

Run to the front bar as theres no VB in the lounge, i hear Pasci saying Go Pies Go Pies. For some reason he reminds me of that Ken Bruce has gone mad bloke. Son of Rowdy goals. As the Euthymics are playing in open mike oh god please kill me. 69-37. Dole Cheque to Matrix Beams to Pamela loses the foot race for the ball. Dole Cheque to Brownlow Speed Boy to Pamela marks 40 out, passes to Cox now 25 out. No angle as we raise the hands for the big hi 5s. 76-37. at this point we are reminded of our mate Jason and how we convinced him Alistair Clackson was the coach of Melbourne, we remember him telling people that. Thats why he was Mr Football for a day. GG enters, asks why we are here. He also asks to get the drink card out from trivia last night. i sheepishly say we drank it all. i say ill buy him two beers he says you better. We also drank it last week without Sam. hey we/re pissheads, we/re weak please don/t judge. id do the same to anyone of yous out there. Shit hair cut man is given a free for a bullshit deliberate out of bounds. Lions get a goal to trail by 25. Dole Cheque goals as GG says he aint impressed with the hi 5s. he should ave seen the ones before. Bernie two legs enters as Beams to Screwdriver Dole Cheque has the ball and loses it. The Shag wouldn/t ave done that. Krebs kicks a crucial point as JB says the Pies are just starting. Dole Cheque to Billy and again we dance 95-51. i believed i missed a goal as the next thing i wrote was beams goals after Hodge moans. HA HA (in Nelson voice) 108-51 but Bucks still aint happy Trav gets the scrap ball kicks to Pamela Billy flys but cant hold Moore is in the 50 handballs to Langdon and is hit. As JB says not long to go. Yes JB 2 seconds is not much time left. 

3 quarter time

Pies 108

Lions 45  

Mr Football Waz is here. Beams to Sidie. GG asks if ive called it. i/ll wait as I ave to run to the front bar to get a VB. Aish kicks a goal, outstanding as me and Ash chink to a top night. As I walk in I call it GAME OVER. Bruce says the Pies are in control. Yes Bruce I would say ten goals is in control. He then also mentions where will the Lions sleep tonight. Well if you know nothing about football I guess you gotta say something. The Gooster goes bang 116-53. Waz informs the group of fresh air, even though the games over I decline as I wanna watch this.  Dole Cheque misses, we see a shot of the Brisbane coach on the bench, JB says he has some thinking to do. Do you ave any insight into what he needs to think about JB? Again if you got nothing to say on football might as well make something up Meanwhile Bruce says Bucks will be happy but he doesn/t look it.  JB calls Bucks the great man but Bucks still aint happy. Pamela has a shot but punched on the line. Speedboy launches a mighty kick from 50 to take the score to 123-60. Speedboy see you at the POW for a $1 pot I turn the phone on to see a cha cha cha message from Gordon. Wish you was here Gordo.

GAME OVER

Collingwood 123

Lions 61

After the game we get to see Matt Tremolo in the front bar do another amazing set. Love his work, he is a great talent, hope he gets more recognition. After his set everyone bar me and Fred fucks off to Dogs for Continental Robert. We both get a round in, im so blind I cant recall much of the conversation. Matt at one point joins us and we take turns praising the great man to steal a phrase from JB. As soon as all the post match crap Is off they replay the game again. As Fred says its nice to watch the game without taking notes, and since I know we won was even better. After a fag in the den of sadness its time to go home. When I arrive through the door my phone says disgraceful decision. Apparently Gary Lyon was going off on the umpires for not reviewing that goal Dole Cheque kicked in the first quarter. Disgrace might be a strong word Gaz. I would use disgrace for, I dunno, aving sex with your best mates wife. I would call that a disgrace but then again im an old fashioned lad. I never understood the hype round him, hes boring as fuck says the basics that anyone who is watching the game knows and he just comes off as an all round unlikeable fella. Gaz it was a goal and fuck you and your disgraceful cheating arse.

Top win, best performance of the season so far, after the Dogs game where I couldnt name a good four quarter player I can at least name a few that played a great four quarter performance. Next up is ANZAC Day and what do ya know the bombers ave come into form. Always a ripping game but this could be the best ANZAC Day clash  in some years.

Thanks for reading see ya Thursday at the Bowlo.

GO PIES

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