Happy birthday Carter and Nattie O
Always a big clash and a game I look forward to, the Pies are up and about while the Blues ave managed just one win so far. After a pantsing the other week everyone has written off Carlton and say we should kill em. But im not as optimistic. Sure on paper we should win but this is Carlton Collingwood. No matter where either side is on the ladder both teams bring their best for this encounter. So with one win the baggers are gonna leave nothing in the tank and throw whatever they ave at us. And since the media, well by media I mean idiots like Damian Barrett, ave demanded Brendon Bolton should be sacked it will give the blues even more ammo today. Speaking of Barrett, he recently had the wonderful idea of moving the Showdown to Melbourne. I certainly am no expert, but how I he on TV and im not? All he does is throw gossip up in the air, hes rarely right, and on MMM he nervously laughs whenever someone is being potted thinking oh please don/t ave a go at me next. Hes like that kid that hangs out with the bully at school and eggs him on knowing if the bully ever left him he would cop a wedgy everyday for the rest of his schooling days, I ave no time for him
Anyway enough of slimy twerps, after helping with a move I look at the time and bolt to the Balaclava. I run in the door and find no one here, the TV in the solon bar has the fucking Dogs Lions game on. Theres one fella watching it and gives me a look of this is my territory, and ill piss on the floor if I need to mark it. I concede defeat, without doing anything so take a table in the public bar. Mad Rad, St Kildas best barman is behind the bar, I always ave time for hi. When he asks what im up to and I mention the Pies game he says Go Pies, love this fella. My boy the Shag is back in and Rupert Wills is the new face in hell.
Anyway we/re underway, Brownlow kicks to a long sleeves bloke for Carlton as the Shag lays two tackles in 8 seconds, Moore punches the ball over for a thrown in. Shag again Matrix to Sidie the kick is straight to the Baggers the Shag recoups the ball handballs to Pamela marks 40 out, all thanks to a wonderful run from Speedboy. Kick just falls short as blues ave a go, Matrix scoops the ball on their 50 but is pinned, which leads to the baggers getting the first score of the match, a minor thank fuck. The Kick in is straight to a blue bagger and they ave another shot but they hit the post. Samurai to the Shag, as the channel is changed but now we get sound. We ave two TVs back to back, the Pies game, with sounds is on the smaller TV next to the bigger one with the Dogs Lions game. The Great Man Fred enters, shows me his Grindhouse tea towel design, featuring Mad Rad and Peter Russell Clark, and kindly gives me a copy. Kick from Billy is smothered on the 50, Shag gets the loose ball handballs to Pamela, bang we/re away 6-2. Fred mentions how Pamela and Speedboy where on the Its Good for Footy Show, a footy show that actually doesn/t suck. I ask which pub it was filmed, Speedboy obviously wanted the POW but he missed it by a week as it/s closed. The Cha Cha Chas are a bit awkward on this small table but we/ll manage. Dole Cheque has a kick, Fred says must be a commercial break from Friends and he figured hed better ave a kick. Kicks straight to a Bagger, Pamelas there to help out, has a snap the Hyphen is on the line but can only manage a minor. Gooster pushes a bloke over the line, he and me both demand deliberate but no dice. Blues go forward, the Shag saves the days with a great tackle, hes had about 20 touches so far hes been outstanding. Billy kicks on the full, crisp marks in the blues 50 kicks to no one, Langdon to Speedboy, Screwdriver to Levi, kicks out on the full in our 50. Kick straight to Samurai. When I point out it was straight to his arms, me and Fred start singing Nick Caves into my arms, something we never thought wed be doing at the public bar in the Bala. Free to Sidie the Blues fans aint happy out of nowhere Speedboy bang 13-3. Blues get one back, Billy has a shot after the siren and it/s a shocker and that will do for now.
The Blues came out swinging, the pressure was amazing from them in the backline, all the long sleeves for them ave been brilliant. Samurai straightway goals which leads to another rendition of into my arms. Moore misses as well to take us to 20-10. Pamela is done for holding. Shag again saves the day Brownlow to Dole Cheque Gooster 40 out, bad miss. Blues chip around for a bit Moore takes a great mark to break the momentum, matrix to Krebs, fucking misses. Even two kick game. Fred mentions the fixture, how the Pies sometimes play when he has a gig on and the AFL needs to consult us on this. Fred brings up the old Rock Against Work gigs, he says they should do Rock Against Footy, Footy on Tuesday arvo instead of the weekend. But Fred mentions how I usually see my parents on Tuesdays. Dads a good Pies man, he/ll understand. Anyway they goal and get another one, fuck that wasn/t in the script. Blues go forward and theres a bagger with some bazar Mo which Fred demands he be dragged for a stoopid mo. Son of Rowdy has a shot 50 out. Hes usually a shit kick and today is no exception. Blues kick to Matrix great mark from Reid handballs to Screwdriver brilliant goal. Straightaway Son of Rowdy to Samurai amazing stuff 36-34. Mad Matty walks by and asks if that Auskick shit is on the telly as his nephew is playing. Blues get two points and that takes us to smoko.
Since I aven/t eaten and had two schooners I should get some grub. I run to the Charcoal Chicken and get a Spring Roll and three potato cakes. Since I need a smoke as well I put the three cakes together and eat it as a sandwich as Dave Warners Half Time at the Footy plays on the speakers Jackie and GG enter as we see Dole Cheque gets the Pies the lead back. The Blues ave a shot and misses but marked over the line they go to the review but it/s a point. Fans cry, just cop it. Evil mo man goals as scores are levelled again. Blues go 50 but Moore stops the push, Gooster in the middle of the ground to Screwdriver , Pamela to Son of Rowdy thats much better from Rowdy 48-43. Viv enters as the token Carlton fan. Langdon kicks out on the full, Sidie to Reid but leads to nothing. Son of Rowdy given a free but misses. Two Pies bump into each other, which leads to Viv saying Yes Yes Yes. I think I broke the seal as Viv writes on my notes we love Viv!! With a smiley face. When I get back the Blues go forward, Viv calls this man handsome, while I stimulate throwing up. They goal. They goal again as Viv calls this other fella handsome, well each to their own. Sidie is a handsome man in my book GG says we need a goal. Blues go forward Howe marks, to Screwdriver, as the Hyphen rushes the ball over for a point. Pete enters as the Gooster goals down by five. The Hyphen goals as we bang elbows, but theres four of us and its tight and awkward, GG not impressed. Langdon kicks to no one, I scream who too? GG replies Carlton. Sigh. Anyway they get one as I head to the cage. Anthony Hudson says something oi which we all scream shut up
3 quarter Time
In the cage I see Juzzy walk past who says we/ll be right. Keith asks what my predictions are, I pause and say us by two goals but not with a lot of confidence. Pies go 50 thanks to Moore but long sleeves is there to stop the push Dole Cheque marks 70 out Reid is held thrown in. Brownlow hits long sleeves and leads to another throw in. Samurai handballs to the Gooster Brownlow takes the loose ball, Pamela turns straight and goes fucking bang. 75-68. Gooster from the centre kicks to the 50. At this point I think wheres the Shag? My dad tells me the next day he was wacked off. Awwww fuck Hyphen marks but Reid cant mark his kick as Dunstall says pressure is on. Fuck the two screens with the two games are a distraction as Pete got the scores mixed up. Matrix to Hyphen Dole Cheque 50 from home shit kick though straight to the Baggers as the Baggers through good play get within two. They get two more quick ones, ah this wasn/t in the script as we cut to Bucks not happy, Pete says hes got the boots on standby, Fred wants me onto the shoehorn but I left it at home. Crisp does a thumping kick from 65, Billy holds a long sleeve, what a kick what a goal. I forgot to write the score. Brownlow is given a free but Reid cant hold the mark. Baggers kick out on the full. Samurai kicks high in the air Son of Rowdy goes off PIES TAKE THE LEAD. Then comes goal of the game via a soccer from the Gooster 94-87. Lana enters. At some stage Jackie mentioned menopause. Fred says like Nick Cave another thing we didn/t expect to discuss at the Bala front bar. Screwdriver gets a goal and Dole Cheque gets on after the siren and we/re out.
Well played by the Blues hell of a game and great performance, that lone sleeves fella in the back line nearly killed us. Dole Cheque, Matrix, Sidie and the Gooster were best for us for me. After the game I offer commiserations and well played to Viv, she says good win but he heart aint in it, understandably. After the game is the game Mad Matty calls the match of the century, Dees vs the Suns. For the record it was night, but what was fun was the pool game between Matty and GG. Im impressed by Mattys Randy Savage impression not so much by his Ric Flair. At one point he flicks a pool square thing at me and I drop which he says something to the line of typical Collingwood fan. A black ball is found in Jackie bag to which she throws on the table. I go outside to spit, the kind that’s half way between normal spit and vomit. After too much fun my head hits the pillow and I aint getting up for another 12 hours.
Well that was fun, join us next week for the Saints game, possibly from a new location
As Dutch Mantel says, Im Matt Ryan and youre not (did he steal that from Chevy Chase?)
See ya next week