Pies v Swans
Well all season ive been tipping the Swans thinking they gotta come good, and they ave, with two wins on the trot they now play us. But we ave a good record over there so should be a ripper. And Very excited to see Wells has been recalled. But so has the big Budweiser, who has always put on a clinic against us.
Me and Peter arrive at Surabaya Johnnys to escort Fred to the Balaclava. We leave the place at 7:35 giving us 15 minutes to spear, a very gettable walk. Rachael accompanies us as her place is on the way. M Ward is our walking music to the Bala. We discuss the box in the tree neat Town Hall and how long we ave to admire the art. Fred says hopefully the box hasn/t fallen on someone and crushed em making em an accordion, a la Loony Toons cartoons. With a few minutes to spear to the bounce we don/t ave the two minutes Pete had potted down, so we will ave a slow walk instead of stopping. We walk past the tree and find out it aint there. I point out it was another tree but am shouted down. With no concrete box nothing is stopping us from getting to the pub. We missed the bounce by 45 seconds as we see GG and Viv with the seats ready to go. Pete very kindly gets the first round in. Pamela minors to get us off the mark. Sidie taps the ball out for a thrown in 70 from home. Swans spend a minute chipping round to each other, Swans fella all alone 30 out and goals. Basil says swans first on the board even though Pamela got the first score. Fucking idiot. Gentlemen Jim Bartel says the Hyphen and a Swan will be the battle of the game. Big words Jim, BT no doubt will by writing that down so he can steal that line. The lovely Rose enters, her chewy on the boot form was outstanding last year so we need all that tonight. Dole Cheque marks, good to see theres fuck all on TV so he got off the couch. Fred says he knows all the words to the Dawsons Creek song. I don/t want to wait for my life to be over, thats the words to the song right? GG looks disapproving but fuck it that was a big show when I was in primary school. Anyway Dole Cheque misses. Swans take it up straightaway and the big Budweiser goals, down by 10. Swans bloke kicks out of bounds, I want deliberate and I get it. Ball goes 50 Allir goes a mighty bulldog tackle to Beams, Cunt Carey said geez Beams is good when hes fit. Well no its no good if anyone is unfit, useless twat. Fred says its just like last week in the Members bar watching the game at the pub, and the games in the public bar. Beams to Wills but cant find anyone and leads to a throw in. Linda asks me if im taking states. And I say yes and shes doing a great job. BT bangs on about the Reid vs Reid contest, we call Sam the evil Reid. Pies go 50 but Swans are everywhere. Aish takes a top mark kicks to Dole Cheque handballs to Wells poor kick but Greenwood scoops but he gives away a free followed by a 50, leading to a shot from 50 but misses. Screwdriver kicks to a Swan but is tapped over. Gentleman Jim says the Pies needed that mark. Hope Bucks heard that. Pamela 50 out goes short to the Shag keeps it in play Madigan from 50 but leads to the Swans charging. Budweiser holds Roughead and Roughy is awarded a free, Buddy moans even though the free was there. Evil Reid goals down by 16, or the Weak Reid according to Rose. Pacsi walks in and calls us smart people and no bullshit with us and we/re not pissed yobs. I agree with the no bullshit part but wait till the third quarter for the pissed part. Thumping kick from Screwdriver but no pies there Madigan to the Hyphen Krebs to Greenwood Shag to Wells, 30 out and welcome back 19-9. Reid with a weird handball again to Wells Matrix to Pamela, hits the post with 90 seconds left, Fred asks if I brought the shoehorn, I sheepishly say I left it at home, Pete says Bucks will be getting the boots on as motivation for the Pies in the next quarter. Roughead beats Buddy as the ball goes over the line and he moans for not deliberate.
While taking a piss Pasci tells me someone threw a fart bomb at Stewart the barman. Hes a solid lad so fuck that guy that did that. Pasci kindly provides the evidence from the bin. Starchy ball into the Swans 50 but Howe controls the ball. Basil says Samurais price tag keeps going up. Kicks out on the full. Hey Basil has his price gone down I need to know. Leads to nothing Wills is hit and given a free for high, kicks to Samurai Brownlow juggles and marks back to Wills kicks to a pack ball is loose and leads to ump throwing in. Speedboy snaps from the throw for a minor. He really misses the POW. Rough once again nails Buddy Sloppy ball to Pamela kicks to Reid but cant hold on. Matrix kicks from nowhere dribbles in from 25 and thats a Captains Goal down by 2. Soccer from the center to Wells 25 out what a goal as we hit the front 23-19. Dole Cheque is back, I guess he found something on the telly. I guess MacGyver is on Fridays. But misses, up by 5. Samurai to Beams to the Shag, 50 out kicks to Krebs who kicks to sweet fuck all. Reid v Reid again which the commentators are getting wet over. Reid to Wells for this third major, HES BACK 30-19. We cut to Bucks with no lights on in the box. As Speedboy kicks to a swan who kicks to the Hyphen to Son of Rowdy, shot from 30 on the boundary cant make it and leads to a rushed behind. Up by 7. Swans goals straightaway as GG points out BTs call of is there any value to two minutes? I don/t know is there any value to any time in the game, fucking idiot. Shag to Speedboy to Pamela. He nails it but thats all Shags doing 38-31. Shag to Speedboy and misses. Wills is down Basil must let us know hes down and feeling it. Onya Baz. Greenwood takes a mark of the year, or of the week but the kick is useless. BT says geez the pies wouldn/t want to concede a goal at this stage. Is there any point that you would want to concede a goal BT?. Buddy nudges Rough and that will do us for 15 minutes.
We cut to the Foxtel coverage as we see expert commentator from Jonathan Brown, I cant understand a word from that brickhead as that bloke I call mate enters the room. Fred drops his bag at home, just round the corner but as the game commences he aint here. We believed hes done a Phantom. Swans miss at BT says that would ave been a good start. But they goal not long after that. Gotta say every time the Swans get the ball you can hear the crowd roaring but when the Pies ave it you can hear a pin drop. Disappointing effort from our crowd. But youre talking to someone who spends most his time at the pub rather the game so I shouldn/t talk. Wells to Dole Cheque to Reid with a shit kick and takes the lead to three points. Wells is back on his feet on the boundary. I scream HES BACK. Pete thinks im talking bout Wells but im talking Fred as I see him walk in. as Son of Rowdy nails it from 40, 47-38. Swans goal as Shag was looming but is ineffective, rare for him. GG says he doesn/t do much. I agree but he does it well. Fred tells us how earlier in the day he had to run for a tram. What was going through his head? What would Shag do? We go 50 and Rose wants a mark in the 50 but unfortunately shes gonna ave to wait a little while. Reid v Reid again. It/s a great contest but the callers are ruining it calling it as if its Clash of the Titians or something. BT wants Cox back as do we all. Howe takes a top mark a bunch of handballs in the 50 and nothing happens. Swans kick to Greenwood, Aish to the Hyphen to Dole Cheque brilliant stuff 53-44. Swans 35 out Samurai saves the ball but kicks to a pack which leads to Buddys hands and he shows why he is so good with a top goal. Roughead has been good on Buddy but only takes one loss contest to lead to a goal. Meanwhile Fred tells me a story of a mate of his working for Meat Loaf, and how he left the stage mid song took a piss on the side of the stage at the grand final after match gig. Wish someone filmed that would ave better than what we saw before the game. Throw up Shag kicks high in the air as we find out the Swans ave a player called Blakey which leads to all of us doing our Blakey impersonation from On the Buses. The bloke in the booth says we nailed it.
3 quarter time
Pete is using my notes to roll some air so coverage of the final quarter is delayed as I decided it/s a good time to take a piss break. Evil Reid cant mark as Pamela is playing back for some reason, Hyphen is given a free from 50, pete asks if we do the hyphen before or after the cha cha chas, I say after, but doesn/t matter as it/s a terrible kick. Evil Reid has a shot but misses now trailing by 10. Evil Reid marks as BT says something bout ER cumming on the ball. Not sure if thats some footy term I never heard of before of BT is pulling himself raw thinking of the latest episode of Roaming Brian that it seems only he enjoys. Hyphen cant redeem himself as Fred and Pete want the Hyphen taken out of his name.BT twice says what a great picture that is, what I don/t know But as GG says thats what BT is seeing not the kicker. Great kick from Sidie to Reid kicks high to the square, Shag is on his back and kicks the most Shag like goal and goal of the year as we blow the roof off the pub. Straightaway Samurai wins the ruck contest, Son of Rowdy runs and runs and runs and goals. GG questions if he should ave been pinned for not bouncing the ball, I cant reverse the decision so i/ll take it. Swans 50 spin around with a kick that just falls short of out on the full. Brownlow kicks to Reid but pinned which leads to umps ball. Samurai kicks a crucial point as Fred says we need three more crucials. Reid is given a free for holding, never in doubt 74-64. Howe holds Buddy and he cracks the shits. BT asks Gentleman Jim What the Swans need to do, and he gives Jim two minutes to come up with an answer. First, BT asks if theres any use in two minutes, now he wants to know what the answer is. I don/t know, kick two goals. Fred wants Kate Miller-Heidke on the goal post shaking the post to prevent a goal. Swans snap from 25 is touched, kick in straight to the Swans and they goal now down by 2. We see Samurai off the ground with five minutes to go. BT says he needs to get back on, he said anything will work, even Hemorrhoid cream. I hope I never meet his doctor. Crisp hits a great tackle, Beams to Shag 40 out. Shags gonna be the savor. He misses but ump blows the whistle and Shags given a 50 and that takes us to 80-72. Rose is not happy as she doesn/t want to win like that. The free was there and also the bloke that gave that was the bloke who jumped on the post in the Bombers game. Is that karma? Cunt Carey says the Swans need to take risks, as BT says the Swans really need a goal. Hope Longmire is listening to those special comments. Beams marks in the Swans 50 as BT calls it with 30 seconds to go.
After the game we go out for a fag, as two young ladys stroll by, they love my shirt and Freds, they unbutton Petes jacket to see his, they call is a fun group as they bugger off somewhere, as Pete GG and I jump on the 16. None of us touch on. As we bid goodnight to Pete me n GG push on to Dogs for the one. Well for me anyway. I felt fine but after almost finishing a pint GG tells me I look like ive consumed a lot of beer. With that its KFC and bed for me.
Another scrappy win but you can only get the four points against however you play. As Pete says at the end of the year it will just be another four points. Sam Reid and Allir were both outstanding and almost won the game, but Roughead for me was brilliant on Buddy and kept him quiet. Onto Freo this week, see you at either the Bala or the G.