Alright, before we get to the game heres a few things I wanna say. Daisy Thomas, I never liked you, I was glad when you left as it gave me a reason to dislike you, I always thought of you as a highlights package not a four quarter player. But I understand your need to get on the source. Fuck I would if I was at the Baggers. But drinking six wines in a public place? Such a stoopid thing to do, but again he plays for the Baggers. So Daisy, join me at the Bala tonight. The $7 pints pf VB are on me. A bunch of Richmond supporters ave been suspended for saying green maggot. For fuck sake. Now im all for clamping down on abuse at the footy, but how long has the term white maggot excited? Some people go to the footy to left off steam after a week at work or whatever, and while the umpires ave a rough job they do get it wrong from time to time, several times that make my head explode even when my team aint playing. I find nothing wrong with screaming maggot out as long as it aint right in the umps face. Next we won/t be able to leave our seats. And the great China expansion. Less then 10,000 people came to a game that would ave at least got another 15,000 extra had it been played at either teams home ground. And for what? The game that wasn/t on the telly and saw the saints lose a key player and half the team, and even the coach all got sick. Gil, cut your losses and end this experiment, or if your gonnna go back make it a pre season game not for four points. Gil is looking for and more like Gil from the Simpsons. Shut up Gil close the deal all that.
Anyway onto the Freo game. The Pies ave had a hell of a run but you never know how Freo are gonna do, so im expecting the unexpected. The day before I walked out of my work and saw none other than Ross Lyon out the front looking lost, he turned around and then we walked side by side with each other for 200 meters. Ive mentioned before how Ross talks like the adults in Peanuts. So the whole 200 meters I just wanted to spit out WHA WHA WHA. But I resisted. Anyway onto the game.
Walk in and find no one here. i decide to ave a fag with five minutes to go. i walk in 30 seconds in and see we/ve scored a point. Our regular seats are taken and i take a seat behind the beam. And about 20 seconds later the Gooster goals. i ave so much fake sperm brewing up its good to unease. i see theres a commentator called Adam Papalia that ive never heard call a game but i/ll keep an open mind so best of luck young man, mind you the bar hasn/t exactly been raised commentary wise. Shot high in the square and Sidie hits the ball out but Freo control and line up 35 out. Low kick that is never gonna make the distance, and is punched over for the ump to throw in. Moore marks as Ross says something no one understands. Another entry in Freos 50 as Moore kicks to the Gooster Dole Cheque marks 15 out and misses an sitter for fuck sake, with DC missing an easy shot I get the feeling this is gonna be a long day., he must ave strayed up til 4AM watching Rage. From the kick in the Gooster snaps for a minor. Shit kick in lands straight to the Matrix clever kick from Dole Cheque 15 out and misses. The Greek fella next to me tells me that Port are shit at kick goals. i/ll take his word for it. Fred enters as Freo miss. Six minutes in the skill level is appalling. Trav to Pamela Brownlow Samurai is the target but is beaten. Crisp kicks but the fool is pinned for holding, weird kick from Freo sees Moore hold things up Sidie straight to Freo push forward Freo goal. Fred mentions the Its good for Footy Show where Sidie sing the Collingwood theme songs saying if you don/t like it you can get stuffed. What a top fella. Freo go forward thankfully miss. 9-9. Fred tells me how there was a spread on Son of Rowdy in the Age. Apparently he doesn/t like the title. Son of Rowdy. Just cop it. ive named you that and im not that bright to think of a new name so just cop it. He mentions how he aint seen the 1990 grand final expect fore when his dad was wacked. Son of Rowdy, watch the whole fucjking game for fuck sake, the way you kick for goal you need to watch that wonderful moment to inspire you to kick better. Your dad wouldn/t ave that attitude. Screwdriver good hit on Freo leads to ball up 60 meters out Freo goal fuck. Shit kick from Krebs but Greenwood marks 10 out from Freo goal Brownlow to the Hyphen Roughead Shag kicks backwards which Fred calls smart eventually Gooster is bout 55 out and kicks a fucking dribble kick and of course theres no one there. Trav to Pamela but can/t hold on The Shag has stopped four entries in a row. theres got the three votes for today already.. But leads to sweet fuck all as Freo goal. 15 all. Freo enter the 50 again as Howe is fucking touched on his shoulder no free as Freo goal again. The party next to us ave done a phantom as we take their seats and i turn the sound up. We enter the 50 and a Captains tackle from Matrix free against a bloke we call Fake Shag. Never on doubt scores again levelled. One last shot to Freo due to fuck idiotic deliberate decision but Freo does fuck all with it.
Sarah Jones says Bucks wont be happy with Dole cheque. Maybe he can get off the couch for me more 15 minutes to make him happy. i run outside for a fag, some fella screams Motorhead and a scream fuck yeah due to my shirt. i butt out and see my work. Two fags smoked 70% full. This is my way of cutting back. Pies kick a minor. Matrix to Brownlow Dole Cheque cant mark the Gooster to Trav crushed Freo goes 50 Krebs pinned. I hear a bloke names Bukowski? is he a Freo player? Nah the only sport he liked was Horse racing. Great writer at times, sometimes shithouse. But a terrible drunk. Gooster 60 out tries to find Reid but is bowled over by two Freo blokes pressure from both teams is great. David King bangs on how Bucks has been looking for pressure for years, doesn/t say what king od pressure he was looking for, as if pressure is something you buy in a shop. Dole cheque 55 out kicks straight to Freo BLOKE. Stoopid free given away from Dole Cheque Samurai to Pamela bad kick from Reid tackled payed holding Trav big kick up in the air, odd choice but the Gooster from 15 from the pocket amazing stuff 28-22. Samurai to Pamela losses the two on one contest Trav is taken for high kick just short Krebs punches the ball which forces a throw in. Samurai Shag to the Hyphen handballs to the Gooster Pamela just on the boundary fuck what a kick 34-22. Beams is given a free 50 out short kick to Crisp leads to nothing. What a stoopid play. Greenwood to Screwdriver Speedboy and again nothing happens sigh. Speedboy to Trav handballs to Beams on the run and thats better 40-22. Freo goals as Fred says maggots to the umpires, but I warn him you can/t say that anymore.
King gives his special comments saying they needed that. I did get a kick out of Brad Scot snubbing that smug git King, him and with his fucking stats trying to act like hes clever when really its just a fancy way of saying if they kick more goals they/ll win. We/ve been seeing a lot of Dole Cheque this game, must be shit on TV today. Fred says Charmed is usually on Saturday. Hated that show when I was a kid, although I do live Shannon Daugherty that was a mistake getting rid of her. But I do like Alyssa Milano, she was great in who’s the Boss. Ah fuck I know too much about Dole Cheques schedule.
Anyway Dole Cheque misses the shot. Howe saves the mark Trav loses the ball Shag punch to Dole Cheque Reid handballs no mark ball up 10 meters Trav to Dole cheque shocking kick out on the full. Adam says maybe Freo ave a chance. With 55 seconds I think they do. Adam this is your first impression and you/re doping a terrible job. Anyway Freo does nothing.
Half time we go for air out the back. We get talking bout Daft Punk for some reason. I mention how I loved that One More Time song in high school (I still do, a perfect pop song for me). Then when I was in year 10 I turn on Rage and first thing I see is the new Daft Punk clip, Robot Rock or something. Anyway the whole fucking song was the one beat or riff over and over for 3 and a half minutes thinking what the fuck? This is some brilliant band? All I heard was one bit of music over and over again. I then tell Fred I saw em at the music Bowl ten years ago, maybe longer, I don/t know. I was offered a pinger, and boy it kicked in 20 minutes into the show. And again, everyone was dancing thinking it was the greatest thing in the world and all im hearing is the same fucking sample for ten minutes. I got so annoyed I wanted to storm the booth and take one of their helmets. I stormed to the front. Well I thought I did, the next day I found out from a mate I was walking on the spot for 30 minutes screaming abuse at the band. Thanks god I didn/t say maggot otherwise id be banned from the bowl. They just assumed I was dancing. Top gig. I think……
Back to the broadcast. We see Jesse Hogan, in wish Pete was here as I knew he/d be doing his best Col Klink impression. Since he aint hear its up to me to scream Hooooogggggaaaaannnnnnnn. Roughead marks 30 from the Freo goal, Hogan misses 15 out, why is Pamela playing back? Freo ave a shot but its touched on the mark. David King says Freo need to take chances. Shit kick from Howe leads to throw in. Freo kick a goal, they say was touched, im hoping it is. No dice. Fuck the first five minutes its been all Freo. They/ve only managed two goals but still there not letting the ball leave the 50. We cut to Ross Lyon, again we do the Peanuts adults voice WHA WHA WHA. Fred says the Peanuts voice was sampled by Daft Punk. Freo hit the lead at some point. Dole Cheque marks but leads to sweet fuck all as it lands straight in a Dockers arm. Crisp handballs to the fake Shag from Freo, this Adam fella says something like Crisp needs to focus more. Hyphen is hit Shag save the day Brownlow hits the post, down by 14. Kicks straight to the fake Shag. David King says Freo needs to cash in. what, Dole Cheques Dole cheque? Maybe it means he/ll be playing in the middle of the ground next week, no more lying on the couch during the game. Freo miss, Adam says that would ave been great if he kick it. Just sigh. Reid marks and nails to get the margin back to eight points. Run to the bar to get my round in, Trav marks in the 50 but the fool plays in with four seconds to go, my heart sinks as we know the clock will beat him. FUCK. This Adam fool says wow we ave a game. Thanks I was wondering what I was watching.
3 quarter times
I run out for a fag as I get on the phone to the CEO. I inform Pete this Adam fella tells us we ave a game. Pete conforms its good to know what we/ve been watching. That/s why he earns the big CEO coin. Anyway, King says the pressure is great, after 10 seconds into the last quarter. Matrix straightway kicks a captains goal to give us the lead. (I just threw out my notes so I don/t know what the score was). Reid is taken high 55 out brilliant kick 66-58. This Bukowski guy sounds like hes on the source with a miss but Hoagn doesn/t and gets the margin back to two points. Aish lands a perfect hip and shoulder, Moore picks up the scraps but kick leads to a throw in. Howe marks from 20 meters out but kicks straight to a Freo bloke Screwdriver but Matrix holds it up, Hyphen is given a free, long kick Pamela is the target but Freo spoil it, there everywhere way to good. Free to Speedboy outstanding 72-64. Well im writing this rant two days after the fact, I had five pints during the game, and my handwriting is even messier than usual so I aint gonna bother writing the rest, so anyway the Pies lost, lets leave it at that.
After the game me and Fred continue our sess, we end up quoting the Who’s on first sketch, and we belt out The Man Whose Head Expanded by the Fall to mystified passes by. The lovely Sam enters for a wine. I always ave time for her. I bid farewell as I must go to Southern FM to appear on Up the Bracket.
The next day I go to Dogs bar for the excellent Peptides/Jack Howard double bill. Jack at one point started playing the Blues theme and dedicates it to the Collingwood fans in the corner then flips us off. Feel played Jack. Hes one of the best blokes I know, again always ave time for him. Fred asks me if im ok after that.
Well, not sure what to make of it. We had every chance to win that game. To many easy opportunities we missed, but when the game was on the line Freo nailed it. There were several minutes where the ball was locked in their 50 and never looked like leaving. There pressure was up there with the best ive seen all year. There was that touched point that wasn/t reviewed. Bah, it was the third quarter, we cant claimed that as robbed. And from the replay I saw it wasn/t conclusive. Like I said Freo played better when it mattered and the better team won, why dwell and make up some excuse that we should ave won when we had several chances to sew up the game. And to my new friend Adam Papalia, you made a very poor first impression im sorry. Goes to show that sports casting in this country is fucked now and will be fucked for the future. When brickheads like Jonathan Brown is being lauded as some kind of expert you know the bar is lowered. You used to ave fucking university degree to be hailed as an expert, it means you were someone whose opinion was respected and sought after. Now a meathead who if it wasn/t for football his only qualification is show business would ave been being shot out of a cannon is being called an expert really does damage to the name.
Anyway I gotta get to work so will wrap this up. Sorry for the extra venom this week. Well I got time for one more. Fuck you Gil for suspending those fans and the stoopid China game. You/re an embarrassment to our game. As Jim Cornette would say thank you fuck you bye.
See yous Monday for the Dees game