Happy Birthday GG and Phil MacDougall
July for some reason is Collingwoods bogy month, a month in the year when for some reason all to turns to shit, so aving lost two of our last three games and aving the one win by a point, and with the season being so open and the unexpected happening, the last two games of July are crucial to make sure we get the double chance. Aving beaten the Eagles by the most crucial of points in Perth, we now go to the Giants home. Two road trips in as many weeks, meanwhile im in my usual spot at the Balaclava. Can the Pies go into the Tigers game with some momentum? Lets go to the Bala.
After writing a review of the Neil Hamburger gig the other night (see the Munster page on Freds site for that review tomorrow) I run to the Bala and do my pre match retuial. KB had Friday night Fish and Chips, I smash a fag minutes before the bounce. I see Pommy Dave on his bike, im calling that an omen. Bloke in front bar Screams go Blues I say PIES in return. I find that weird considering we aint playing each other. Fred texted me earlier in the day saying It/s a Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World is on the same time so Dole Cheque is in trouble. God I love that movie. The Blues game is on in the library so I watch that to kill time before our game. Dwayne Russell claims the Coast Cunts (thanks Gerald Healy for that) need four goals to win. The mans a genius, I was wondering how many goals they needed to kick. Minutes later his brain is again working overtime, as Dwayne then says what the score is, but then proceeds to say thats the score line just in case we needed to know what those numbers were about Alistair Lynch also gets in on the act saying that Suns need the next clearance. For fuck sake. I change the channel to the Pies game just in time but theres no sounds. With 8 seconds to spear Fred john and Jackie all enter and bolt to the bar. Theres no table set up it/s a shambles, maybe I should ave set the tables up? Nah my jobs to write the report not set the tables.
Adams finds Cox but cant mark. AGAIN. Pommy Dave also joins us as the Giants goal. Samurai to Sidie amazing soccer kick but just misses as we see the Shag head. Krbes to giant Dole couldn/t intercept the mark. With no sound I just wonder what the callers are saying, so me and Fred make it up, Fred saying the Pies need a goal. Cox to Matrix to Sidie goes long Shag is in the square Aish does an ace kick from 30 7-6. But hes dragged straightaway it/s a fucking conspiracy, hes in good form for fuck sake keep him on the ground. The manager ducks as he walks past the telly. Onya lad. Sarah said shes told the landlord about the no sounds, something bout how it/s a Foxtel game and something with the box not working with the TV. Anyway it sounds made up. Last Night Murray from the the Wiggles playes Dogs Bar. He played great, but as a 90s kid I always preferred Peter Combe. Me and Terry had an argument over which is better but admits hes never heard him for fuck sake. We ave sound of the Blues Suns game as the bloke behind has it cranked up, after the game he turns off the Blues game but puts on a doco on the moon landing. Why the fuck anyone would want to go to the moon? Theres no street bar or Blackmolls every Friday. Could this fella behind us be anymore selfish? Giants get another goal via Jeremy Cameron Fred says he kicks a lot of goals hence why they win. Fucking giants get another and another. Ah fuck this wasn/t in the script. And they get another as me and Fred talk it’s a mad mad mad mad mad mad world. Fred wants me to get onto the Shoehorn, his plan is for Krebs to ave massive bongos to put off the Giants. Dole Cheque has been quiet he must be busy with It’s a mad mad.. , I say he should put a telly in front of him to keep him on the ground. We discuss Dole TV as Fred mentions Fraiser is on the telly all the time. Which is true it seems like its always on the telly whenever I get home from the pub. Seinfeld I notice is on more now. Good, its one of the five greatest show off all time, why the fuck is shit like Friends and Raymond on. Gimme Sgt Bilko and the Honeymooners and the Twilight Zone. GG enters not pleased with the set up. He turns the sound down on the bloke behind us/es TV. Jackie said this game is no fun and she is right. GG mentions the no sound I tell him the landlord is working on it, but I doubt he will. Rose is on the blower saying she aint happy, neither are we. Matrix has a shot, I say we need this. Finds the Samurai easy shot but lands on the full. This is gonna be a long arvo. Hyphen takes a big mark but the Gooster cant hold the mark. I break for smoko early.
While going for a break I bump into Duncan wearing a lovely velvet suit, he cringes when I tell him the score and wishes us luck. We fucking need it. As I walk in Howe kicks a great goal as we see Shags beautiful face. 13-50. We cut to the grandstand and there is fuck all there. Thank fuck Giants are doing well, as Gold Coast are doing fuck all for attendance. Imagine that the two expansion teams in the slumps, but Ol Gil would find a way to defend em, like he did with the Suns during the week. Noe everythings fine all is well is his motto. Matrix to Dole Cheque 40 on the boundary misses Howe Shag forces a bloke on the line to force over a minor, David King would ave said they needed that to be a goal. GG asks if there are cranes in the background, Fred informs they are giraffes. Dave Last enters who says both teams cant lose. Onya for the expert commentary Lasty, better than anything Luke Darcy ever said. Cox 60 out shit call as Giants mark the ball over the line Cox to Dole Cheque son of Rowdy pushes ball over the line as the lovely Rose enters and just says this ends now. Samurai taps to Matrix free to Sidie Fred blasts out Container Drivers. If Mark E Smith doesn/t get the Pies up nothing will. Howe marks 50 out finds a giant. Well halfway through quarter no giants score and us just one goal. GGs had enough as we fix the tables. Is this an omen? Silly kick from Krebs to Sidie in the Giants 50 but he just holds it. Fred plays Lust for Life, on no sorry its Jet coming out the front bar with are you gonna be my girl as Dave Last walks past with a little dance. Good mark from Isaac 70 out Howe cant mark Aish to Brownlow bad kick lands to a Giant. Fred predicts five Pies goals and a mark of the year contender from Howe. Well he gets the Howe mark but we just get the one goal as Crocker gets a goal from 15 out. GG gives us a zero for our hi 5s but we ave the excuse of its been awhile inbetween goals. Giants get a goal to close the quarter with a one handed mark. Great mark but insane he was able to take it as Howe was there to stop him. Well we kept em to one goal but they kept us to two. That explosive start from them has made it near impossible for us to get up, there just playing defense now and the lead is enough for em to do it.
No sound we see G Lyon do a bouncing ball action I guess. He says fuck all when he talks so I guess he needs to do the action to prove his point, whatever boring point hes making . Some guy called Tom Morris is on screen, hes a senior AFL reporter. What does that make me, junior shitkicker reporter? I like that, im gonna run with that.
Anyway fucking giants score again straightaway Sidie belts a massive kick from 50 ace goal 62-32. We go 50 again Hyphen with the ball but his arm is held, Shag is there to help, gets a crucial point me and John resort to watching the moon landing doco as giants goal. I see footage of JFK making that “we choose to go to the moon” speech. When I was ten I could do a mean impersonation of the character Bigelow, the mouse character from Snagglepuss. I used to recite that JFK line as Bigelow, much to my own amusement and no one elses. I think this is the kind of references that my dad would tell me no one knows what the fuck you/re on about. No wonder I had few friends when I was 10. We bring up the George Calombaris front page puff piece on Good Weekend. Seriously what bad timing. The cunt was exposed as a thief a year ago, then has the nerve to do an interview with the Hun claiming it was his year from Hell, claiming hes the victim. Years earlies he moaned about aving to pay penalty rates on Sundays. Hes just a scum bag, I hope they hit his wallet hard and this knob is never on TV again. Dole Cheque minors giants straightaway get another. We get the worn, aka the score watch which is just David King doing a scribble to make it look like hes doing something. Crisp has a shot touched on the line as me and GG talk the British Open as Fred and Jackie cant believe it as they hate golf. A mate once gave me a weird look when another mate told her we played a round of golf. Later when I mentioned it she said she was shocked as according to her golf players are cunts.. never heard that one before, and aside from the people I play with, a lot are, particularly whoever is playing a hole ahead of me. Anyway back to the broadcast. Im guessing David King says we need to stop the onslaught Roughead drops an easy mark as Howe takes a piggy back mark that has as all laughing, how the fuck that was paid. Son of Rowdy has the ball as i say where the fuck is my lighter?
3 quarter time
As im watching the golf highlights I miss a wonderful goal from Matrix 60 out, he really is captain courageous kicking a wonderful goal and coming back from a broken finger they said would make him miss six weeks. We get that fucking worm score again. Giants score as we need a multi ball to happen, it/s the only chance we ave of getting a win tonight. Fred says we can win, will be the story of the year, like Richo and the Saints was of the year according to the Age after three rounds. Wonder if the Age want to retract that statement or feel they ave a role in Richos downfall. Gooster marks as John says thats our first leading mark for the day for fuck sake. The Gooster finally marks as we ave so much Goo we need to unleash, but he misses. Me and John discuss and cringe at the Tony Shaw years coaching the club. John says he recruited a bunch of battlers. I mention it was like he wanted a whole team of Tony Shaws when we only needed one, but John mentions his name sake Kent Butcher and what a maniac he was. Great run from Sidie to Hyphen in the Square as Dole Cheque finally gets away from the box to kick a goal. We also get It/s a Mad Mad mad Mad Mad Mad world on the telly next to the both, and on the other TV is the Lion Kind, god Dole Cheque must be conflicted. Gooster finally gets a goal as we blow all our load, GG gives it a 8.25 as the siren finally puts us out of our misery
After the game I get to focus on the last 30 minutes of Mad Mad world, god I love Phil Silvers
I gotta bolt to the Labor in Vain for Phil MacDougalls 60th. It was a hell of a bash, im still wearing my Collingwood scarf, blokes you can trust Rusty and Col ask why im still wearing that, Col says when his teams (Dogs) loses he takes his scarf off, but im not sure what to do, I thought it looks like poor looser to take it off, but it does look stoopid wearing it after a loss. Rusty is of course pleased bout the Bombers, Glen and Glenno both give me grief for wearing it. Dicko from the Hybinators and me debrief on the loss, both agree Flynn should not ave played and it was the talls that killed us, the Sack and Reid would ave been a big difference. I meet this nice fella and we keep bumping into each other and after seeing my scarf we go through all the 101s after a loss, i.e seven days is a long time in football, its not the coaches fault. Lovely fella. A barmaid picks up the scarf and offers condolences before screaming Go Tiges.
Easily our worst gam,e of the season, but yet with It/s a Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World on the telly next to the game it wasn/t so bad. Sidie and Crisp were the only two blokes I thought played a good four quarter game, we just didn/t ave the talls to combat the Giants. Moore and Pamela are our biggest outs and the team is suffering without em at both ends. With one win in four games, and that was by a point I aint looking forward to the run home as its gonna be uphill. With the Tigers and Blues to play again they certainly wont be the same teams we played earlier in the year. We need the Sack back, hopefully Moore will be back soon, and Pamela, just, just you’re an idiot.
Anyway see yous at the Bala on Friday
Matt N Ryan
Junior Collingwood Shitkicker Reporter (Dingley Division)