Preliminary Final v giants

Pictured above: Toby Greene going after Lachie Neales eye

Now. All week people ave been telling me you/ll smash em get your grand final tix now.  But I aint so sure. Collingwood and finals could mean anything and the Giants will be no easybeats. Mind you with all their outs we don/t deserve to be on the last day of the season if we cant beat em today. As usual i/ll be at the Balaclava to witness whatever unfolds, as always im expecting the unexpected.

Now onto this Greene business. Roy and HG ave named Greene grub of the year, to a nicer guy it couldn/t happen too. Giants Football manager Matthews claims the system failed him, but as HG Nelson said the system didn/t fail football. Rampaging Roy Slaven mentions how Grubs always deny their involvement and say it wasn/t me that’s not the real me. Once again Roy and HG are the only commentators that make scene. Remember Gaff last year, we had to hear what a great bloke he was, despite punching a bloke. Sorry Greene someone with a rap sheet is worthy of the term grub although id use a much nastier word to describe him. Comments hes a good person fuck off, hes a coward. That simple. And seeing Brownlow and Jack Riewoldt try and defend him on 360 saying that you want him to play on the edge. Theres a fine line to being a bastard on the field to being a gutless thug. He got what he deserved. Mind you should ave gone the week before. You know when your in trouble when Kane Cornes is one of your biggest supporters.  

I LEAVE the house and go for a lovely walk with two hours to kill before the game. On route to the Bala im picking up the lovely Josie to accompany me to the pub . I meet a lady walking her dog who tells me she was in the St Kilda cheer squad in the 70s and how she always was allowed into the rooms and treated like a real member of the club. She says she stopped following football when the league went national, claiming the competition should ave stayed in Victoria and she missed the tribal suburb element to footy. She didn/t even know who we are playing but wishes us best of luck.

As im on track to Jos I hear my name being called out it/s the CEO Pete who tells me he/ll see me there, neither of us is confident. The lovely Jo and me ave a nice leisurely stroll as opposed to bolt to the Bala

We arrive with 30 minutes to kill Adam and Terry are already here, always great seeing these guys. As I ave a pre/game dart to calm me down Brad walks past. Bernie took a great photo of me and Brad after last years grand final. Me looking sad with Brad putting his hand on my shoulder. The photo that sums up so close but just short and how we/ll ave a drink after the game and all will be fine.

Five minutes until the bounce to go Fred and Gordon walk in. Jo calls it Pies first goal. Fred says Dole Cheque will get the first Pamela second. Val enters which is a nice surprise. I always time for him. Wendy the nice lady who always watches the footy in the other room joins us. Good start with free to Matrix Reid the target but couldn/t hold, stalemate 10 from home. Free to Samurai straight to the giants. Cameron v Moore will the match up that will shape the game I claim to the pub and Fred informs me that/s why I get the big bucks. Crisp gets  a bad bounce Brownlow to Pamela Speedboy Hyphen Sidie Noble Heather smoothers the mark. Terry calls him a traitor, I inform him we got rid of him but Teery claims it don/t matter. I/ll always a soft spot for Shaw, that smoother in the replay is my favorite grand final moment. 30 out Crisp goes bang 6-0. Speed from Heather Samuri Crisp giants free leads to Screwdriver mark in giants 50. Giants play tunnel ball Adams gives away a bullshit free for tripping when the giant bloke tunneled him. Gil made that call. Sidie to Screwdriver leads to out on the full. Krebs taps for out of bounds one ball Sidie soccers Son of Rowdy almost hit. James enters the pub, Wills Crisp Aish good tackle Samurai tumbles Screwdriver Giants punch out both teams defense is amazing. Given em nothing. Pies throw penalized why didn/t they pay that last week? Pies get the ball out of Giants 50 due to slippery ball and sloppy play from the giants. Wills Billy free in the back. Pete enters Giants goal, down by 1. Crisp takes a great mark 10 out from giants home. Brownlow to Pamela 30 out turns just in time one steep what a goal 12-7. As Brad says at quarter time had every right not to kick that goal but he somehow did amazing goal. The commentators mention how Sidie won the Garry Ayres award for player of the finals last year. I look around and ask the question that such an award exists? There all the same as me never heard of it. Crisp has the ball as Mr Football enters. Moore beats Cameron 30 out but kicks on the full. The Giants do fuck all with the chance they got. It/s been mostly up there end and done nothing. Mind you we/ve only kicked two goals looks like its gonna be a struggle back n forth kinda game.

Quarter time

Pies 12

Giants 9

I run to the bar to get a round in for me and Jo and the fucking keg needs to be changed of course it does. I look on the big screen as I see Reid marks in the 50 I run back in to the table to watch him goal. Pete says Reid might win the Brownlow this year. Shag is hit in the back 50 but they get a point serves em right for touching our boy. Brownlow has a shot but giants mark the ball on the line they take it to the other end and take the lead. Fred mentions Dole TV and mentions the only thing on is Kramer v Kramer. Is Dole Cheque a Meryl Streep fan? That could be a problem. Pete was livid that Jake and the Fat man was off on Monday I tell him my mum says it was on the telly on Tuesday. The CEO was livid Jake was taken off for a Fishing show. is it just me or is there 500 fishing shows on the box right now. Fred cant believe we/re discussing this while the game is on and neither can I. Race between Cameron and Moore again sees Cameron lose, but the kick is bad and Cameron gets another go but only manage a point.  Luke Darcy reminds us theres a lot at stake in the game. Meanwhile Lingy says you know who’s enjoying this right now? Don/t fucking say it! And of course he says Richmond. James says Reid needs a haircut. Rowdy soccers the ball 8 meters out but cant put boot to ball. This is the perfect time for me to pull out my Mike Atherton impersonation saying now you but boot to ball and convert its not rocket science. Im quite proud of that. Giants push with 20 seconds to go Adams gets it out and find Hyphen and that will take us to the main break. Waz had brought a footy

Half Time

Pies 20

Giants 17

Tez says the game is being played on out terms, but theres nothing comfortable about a three point lead. Half Time sees Waz pull the footy out and circle work with the fresh air going round. I call Lofty as me and Adam praise the great man as Casey enters, both of us are nervous. We see this stoopid fox footy ad promoting next week saying it Richmond vs Pies/Giants. Why don/t you just wait til the game ends to promote the proper game next week? Anyway Rose and GG enter, we need Rose and her chewy on ya boot at this crucial stage of the game. Shag loses to giant in 50 Aish is hit throw in. Fred again refers to Sidie as one ball, Gordon questions the legitimacy of this. Giants hit lead down by four. JB says the cream of the crop is rising for the giants THEY KICKED ONE GOAL you fool, again you know nothing about football I guess you gottta say something.  At this point we get expert commentary from Fred: Bucks aint happy. That/s why he gets the big bucks. Sidie to Crisp leads to out on the full. Fred asks me if I ave the shoehorn on me, I hand it to him. He gets a direct line to Bucks despite the fact hes quite busy. He tells him to kill Nick Haynes, I make sure its not to kill our dear mate Nick Haines. Anyway fucking bullshit 50 given against Brownlow, we see Kelly shove Brownlow, he fires back and the cunt played it for all its worth. Like Greene hes good playing the victim when he started it, what a dog act. The cunt goals. Freds back on the expert commentary, saying Bucks still happy. Now compare that to JB who claims the pies cant concede another goal. While Darce says the Pies need a goal. We all scream you idiot. Talk about Dumb and Dumber. James mentioned Dole Cheque aint had a touch. He must been watching Kramer vs Kramer.

3 quarter time

Pies 22

Giant 49

Out the back with me head down contemplating what the fuck went wrong. Mark asks if I can book a Collingwood victory. I say sorry I left the shoehorn at the table. Viv walks past miming a kick which makes me smile, one of the few things that can made me smile right now. Cameron goals and I write in my notes thats it. Any further evidence? JBs called it.  I run to the bar. And fuck me they/ve run out of pint glasses. Doesn/t matter im not in a rush to get back to the table.  Pamela goes bang down by 26 but ive given up hope. Straightaway Billy to Speedboy what an amazing goal down by 20. Howe goes forward Reid is being held, Tez says hes not a memory you cant put your arms round him. I praise that Johnny Thunders reference.  And then the moment ive been waiting for the shag is the savour. Fuck he goals, I scream the roof on the pub off, hes gonna do it hes gonna win it for us. Looking at my notes two days later it/s a bit of a mess so i/ll say the Shag had another shot and I blew my load before it was overturned while the last imagine we see is that smug prick Greene in the race, Oh and shootout to the Giants fan with the Free Toby sign. Good onya for defending a cowardly little shit. Oh and JB i can see how long is left i don/t need you telling me every eight seconds how long is left.

After the game it/s off to the den of sadness, Vivs name for the back smoking area, and it sure is full of sadness. The day gets worse when I see Taylor Swift aint coming to the Melbourne Cup. I read on the anti social media some taunts throws at the pies way, mostly from Carlton fans, maybe they should be more concerned with their team actually winning a few more games next. At least our team has been relevant and not a laughing stock for two decades now. We head to Johnnys later on for the Hanks. Gordon dedicates Drinking Thing to me which always makes me feel nice, onya Gordo. Rose bids farewell as she says hopefully we can leave the pub next season feeling better. I bid the lovely Jo goodnight as well as im bout to tap out. I head for a KFC feed before I see the brilliant Suzi Q who tells me to come in for a beer. Kindly she offered to buy me a beer but as a loser I feel its better to buy my own. Like the Hanks The Kat O Army at the Vinyard take away the misery.

Well that wasn/t in the script. Disappointing end to the season. You can/t win a final if you only play a half of footy. Giants where better than us for 20 minutes but boy did they make it count. Had we won theres no way we would ave beaten the Tigers this week, so I feel better getting it out the way. Still bit flat this hurts more than last years grand final loss. Last year I expected nothing, and while I wasn/t expecting to go all the way to get this far and end the season on a whimper makes me feel guttered. My mate Nick Haines, the North Adelaide guru texted me saying he hope im alright. He also said we shouldn/t feel so bad about a game but we do. It/s a wonderful game, but is just a game. And despite all the times I said im done I need a year off i/ll be back. i/ll always be back with Fred Pete Jo Gordon and the crew cheering the boys on. It/s what we do. It/s what brings us together for two and a half hours a week and a way for forget the world and enjoy this beautiful game. Its what we do . Next week I just hope Great Bloke Toby Greene and Chopsticks Dusty Martin belt the shit outta each other. Aside from that I ave no interest on who wins.

So yeah that/s it. See if I can be bothered writing a rant next week. I know not the best way to end the year but I thought id end the rant the way I feel. Flat.

GO……..ah I can/t even say it.

In case this is the last time you hear from me this year i/ll leave you with the words of Jim Cornette

Thankyou Fuck You Bye Bye.

Oh and look out for Munster #29 very soon x

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