Meeting Swanny, Community Cup flashback and 2020 season: are we there yet?

Now. They finally ave a date for when football will commence again. Mind you it/s got to the point i/ll believe it when I see it. This has been nothing short of a clusterfuck with all sorts of poor behaviour from various parties. Players screaming oh poor poor pitiful me im only going to make low six figures this year. Hey, if you aint lost your job and still gonna earn, shut the fuck up you daft cunts. People ave it way worse than you, you think they would just be grateful you ave still earning a wage and do it kicking a ball, for fuck sake, but no they ave to act like spoilt children. Players todays just seem like they/re entitled to shit. Lou Richards talked in his book about what an honour it was to play for Collingwood and if he was lucky John Wren would slip em a few coins. Honestly lets go back to that. Ave players work a day job then ave em train after work, making a few bucks hers and there for playing. With prats like Dangerfield leading the gimme gimme gimme charge they aint making any friends with the public. Nows theres talk there gonna ave to isolate for weeks on end and all stay in the same place for ages. Again for fuck sake, your gonna make good coin and then ave several months off at the end of the year. Then you ave officials saying stoopid stuff. Eddie calming the Cornes family is killing the legacy of Victorian footy. Eddie, listen, if SA football was gonna send in someone to destroy Vic footys legacy do you think they would send Kane Cornes as its spokesmen? And what about the AFLs killing of SA and WA footy. Poor Port Adelaide Magpies not getting the chance to run on and celebrate there 150 year in the field. Hell, the VFA is barely covered the the AFL Hall of Fame. They just want their own version history, the murderer Gil (thanks to Roy and HG for that) and his boys.

How many times as football fans ave we said we need a year off? This could be it, for everyone. Just fuck it, lets call it off for a year. With the delayed start and all round shit behaviour from officials and players, just let it go for 2020. Start again next year. I see no good coming from this. Again why do I like this game?

Well enough venom for this week, heres some classic footy flashbacks involving me:

A few weeks before Xmess me and Fred meet up on Chapel Street to meet Dane Swan at a book signing, plugging his life story (actually a very good very funny read). We run into each other at some upmarket joint place on Chapel, a place where I paid $25 for three meat balls and a piece of bread. We finish our counter meals and head on further down Chapel to see our boy. On the way Fred tells me he has to stop and get a photocopy of his book report on Swannys book so he can give the great man a copy. We/re trying to find a photocopy joint, one that will do only one copy. We finally find a place that will do a single copy for Fred as I point to my watch on my hand. Well I would ave if I had a watch, but I must insist we hurry as Swanny will be open for business in three minutes. Rushing down Chapel I see we are two minutes late and some kid holding the book a Collingwood scarf and jumper has already left. His job is done. So we arrive just after the bounce, and theres one person in line, so I take time to run to the counter and purchase this weighty tome. With no one in line we run straight to the front. Fred went first giving him the copy of the book review, to which Swanny replied thanks mate. Me and Fred looking at each other and sighed. He called you mate. My turn. I arrived to the table, Swanny opens the book and asks who should I make this out to. At that moment with Xmess coming up, I think, do I get this for me dad, or be a selfish prick and get it for myself? These thoughts came into my head, as Swanny basically asked what my name was, I stood there, for a good five seconds, with my mouth open, thinking fuck what name should I give. After Swanny gives me a look, probably thinking how did he manage to dress himself this morning, I point my figure at the book in a majestic manner and say loud and proud Matt. But make it to Shane. Next we bug the man for a photo which he agrees. Theres no one here so we pose for a good minute of photos. After that we just stand around. Again thers no one here so I feel we should entertain Swanny. I pull out my trusty shoehorn and ask him to sign it. He agrees. As sharpie hits horn I say me and my mates think Bucks looks like  a shoehorn. He laughs, the only reaction we got out of him. With books, photo and horn signed me and Fred bid farewell to our new good close personal friend. Fred asks me to show him the photo. Amazingly, I show it to him for a few seconds and the next week in the pub strip Fred got all the likenesses down, even the way Swanny held his hand on the table. As I check the time, its 1:07PM, we completed our job much earlier than usual. So we pop over to the Court Jester for a beer. A lady asks if we are members and if not would be like to join. She informs us we/ll get a free drink if we do. I don/t know why she just didn/t say that from the start. As me and Fred sit at the window watching the world go past on Chapel St we get a buzz from Jackie and John, wanting to know where Swanny is. We told em in the front of the shop. They arrived five minutes after us. Apparently a few minutes after we left Swanny grabbed a few books, wrote his signature all over em, and fucked off. Jackie was almost in tears. Me and Fred look at each other. Ah thats our old mate Swanny right there. So Jackie and John joined us for a good session, as we saw a drag queen doing laps in a car on the street, much to the annoyance of Herald Sun readers according to the paper the next day. If anyone was annoyed we must ave missed it as everyone on the street was cheering. After a few we call it quits as Fred has a Hanks gig shortly. So we grab a six pack and I light a fag but wouldn/t ya know it a tram is coming. I butt out, but since I just lit it I wanna save it, so I whip the light on my shoe and jump on the tram. As we jump on I can smell smoke. Fuck the fag didn/t completely go out. Well, its only 10 stops to Freds house. Shame to waste it. I ave two puffs before trying not to push me  luck too much so I  butt out again and ave the rest at Freds place. We arrive at Freds as I collapse on the couch with a beer in hand, and 80% of a Rothman, times like this, aving one of our favourite players call us mate, free beer and smoking on the tram and getting away with it, all while in the company of great people, I think to myself, life couldn/t get any better.

But earlier that year, I think, or maybe it was the year before, who knows. The Community Cup was still in Elsternwick, ie when it was still good, and was the social event of the year for me. So social some of us ave decided to meet at the Street Bar for a few pre game beverages, round 11ish I think. For these unaware the street bar was a marble table outside the house of 600 beers and a place where you could drink legally. You still can, but the table is no longer there, making it not the same. Anyway I arrive at the street bar wearing a Megahertz and Collingwood scarf. The great man Johnny Kicks just looks at me and says could you be anymore of a cunt?I/ll take that as a comment. So me Johnny Juzzy Kim and Rosie and Suzi had a great time at the street bar sinking piss and shooting the shit. It wasn/t until we left I realized the outcry we caused. Suzi said that a women went up to one of the staff at a nearby restaurant and said her and her children would not sit and eat until we left. What a narrow minded fool. Just because we were aving a legal drink on the street, not harming anyone minding our own business we were terrorising kids. Hey lady if you think we/re the ones that are gonna corrupt your kids you/re sorely mistaken. We don/t harm anyone we just wanted one or two quiet drinks before we moved on. We know how to behave when we go outside, if you think we/re the bad guys wait til your kids are on their own. Now this restaurant, the staff im told where embarrassed about all this so I don/t blame them for pushing us along, even though I refuse to ever go there again. So we walk to Elsternwick Oval, and we are walking by my place an I need to break the seal bad. I tell everyone to go on ahead, but Johnny said he knows a place. We go to a flat owned by our mates Ox and Shelly, who deny us entry. Fear not, theres another place in the same block of flats. After two minutes of knocking on the door, we knock on the window, I see a long haired fellow in bed, wearing a Red Fang shirt and no pants. He lets us in and about five of us use the bog. I never met this fella before, and now many years later im managing his band Dino Bravo. After we/re all relived we push on, only five minutes from the ground. We walk past on open for inspection place, with a flag out the front. Johnny grabs it and gives it to me. Ok. I carried it for the whole day, much to peoples amusement (me mate Chrisi was like what the fuck) and it lived in my laundry for a year. I ave no memories of the game that year, except for some great commentary from Leaping Larry L and Tony Biggs, particularly when Larry said “a friendly reminder to keep all dogs on leash, although im sure Biggsy would prefer kids be kept on leashs”. To which Tone mumbled damn breeders. For me Biggsys best call was when the ball went out of bounds and a Nike logo was near the boundary, to which Biggsy replied and the ball goes over the child labour wing of the ground. Ah Tone, give that man a job in the 7 box. I would love to see him go Cunt Carey saying why are you on TV and rolling his eyes everytime Richo opens his mouth.

Hope you enjoyed those two stories. Id like to think everytime that women goes out with her kids she looks over her shoulders so she doesn/t see us hanging outside with cans in our hands. Will be back next week with some more classic rants, if I can remember them (honestly ive just about used up all my stories on these rants)

Go Pies Matt


Johnny Kicks asked if i could be anymore a cunt with those two scarfs. please write in the comment section below to tell me your thoughts.

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