Tony Biggs described Dalicados a St Kilda supergroup, and I couldn/t agree more. Featuring members of UnAustralians, Hunters and Collectors, the Choose Few and I Spit on your Gravy, Dalicados play music that is not genre driven, instead making a genre and style their own. Combining elements of their past bands and their own personal taste, its music you ave to listen to get the vibe and also a must see gig as you get a great show both music and presentation wise. On top of that there all wonderful people who were kind enough to play at my 30th recently. Fiona a James very kindly invited me and the rest of the band Cal, Tracey, Mark and Jack, as well as Di and Fi for dinner, followed by a sit down chat.

Munster:  Now a few years ago there was a great band Thousands Left Standard which featured James Tracey Jack and Cal, is Dalicados a follow on from that band?

James: that was a bit hard to wrangle that band and the idea was really good and the idea lead to Dalicados. The roots of both bands where me and Cal, just jamming and writing stuff. We did Thousands Left Standard and it wasn’t just right. Then Mark who I’ve known for a long time and always loved his playing, we got talking and I thought he’d be perfect. And everyone else is important, and who I think are great people and wonderful friends we got in the band. Playing music these days if you don’t have to do it you wouldn’t do it and that’s the only reason I do it. There’s no goals with this band just to have fun

Fiona: your completed to do it that’s why we do it

Jack: now he tells me there no goals (laughs)

Tracy: where are the KPIs (laughs)

James: but it’s the moment that’s the reason for doing it. Not for money and where too old for fame, just for that moment you hit a chord and moments that make it amazing. Maybe not for Jack, maybe he wants to be the next Justin Bieber.

Jack I was the first

Cal: it’s important to say its original music, we could all be playing in cover bands but the beauty is playing new songs working them out. And having know Jack and we invited him down and he was keen and encouraging, and when Mark joined it took another persona then it was, and as James said there’s lots of friends involved which helps.

James: like I said I love everyone in this band I would hang out with them outside the band and if they brought instruments I would happily play music with these people the same I would in a bar as I would if it was in the lounge room.

Mark: even rehearsals are fun.

Munster: Does the name come from a cigarette?

James: yes a Mexicana cigarette. I moved to LA with Fi in 1994 and we lived in a place called Silver Lake and a little store sold Delicados cigarettes where $2 a pack. They were shorter than normal cigarettes, we changed the spelling of the band name not to confuse the two.

Munster:  Much like Thousands Left Standard and also Jacks band the Long Lost Brothers and a Sister, its music you can’t put in one specific genre, how so what was the pitch when the band started for the kind of music you would play?

James: I never discussed it with anyone. I’ve been playing music with Cal for 26 years, and we’ve never had that discussion what style are we gonna play

Cal: yeah when James and I would jam he’d say I’ve got an idea for a song but it was never genre driven, there was never we wanna sounds like this.

Fiona: in 97 when we were in Las Angeles and Libby Malone in LA WEEKLY said Australia was the last place of un characterised rock style music. And I think that still rings true Australia has this beautiful fusion that ends up something overarching Australian. James is interested in soul music so you can’t go past the rock and the blues roots but when we get together there’s punk and all the pop culture references we’ve been subjective to. So there’s all that stuff that goes into it without even having to discuss it being of the same time period we’ve absorbed those same cultural influences and that goes into it. It’s in the lyrics it’s the way we approach the songs

Cal: everyone in this band has 20-30 years’ experience playing in original bands from the start, with varying degrees of success.

James: every cover band you meet has the original project there working on and you never see it. You know it’s the whole I’m just doing top 40 now and you never see the original project. It’s so boring playing other people’s music. If you pick a song and do a cover and nail it, that’s brilliant, but just plan doing other people’s songs for a gig is like ah man. And then you end up writing songs like Nickelback

Fiona: and that’s the thing with the overarching Australian thing. Carrying that voice and the culture it’s still vibrating and decent. A lot of the stuff overseas has been homogenised a lot.

Jack: we are fortunate enough there’s enough of a scene here in Melbourne even if it’s a not a big scene. In terms of outlets.

Mark: we’re blessed with the venues we have in Melbourne. And being round in the 80s there’s been people that used to go out they’ve gone off and done other things, then they come back and want to see stuff. The kids have grown up and they don’t want the top 40 cover bands they want to pick up where they left off, good original Melbourne music and I think that’s what we play

Munster: you mentioned Mark joining the band took the band in a different direction, so what did Mark bring to the table?

James: Height (all laugh). Mark, I’ve played with lots of great musicians. Fi is one of the best bass players in Australia, I promise you. Mark brings real heart. Everyone talk’s about heart like its commodity, Mark is what he plays. It is him, it’s not two different things.

Cal: James said to me and its not denigrating to other bass players in the line-up, James said to me you’ll love playing with Mark. I hardly knew him as I didn’t pay attention to the Gravy’s and bands like that. But straightaway we looked it in.

Mark: we had so much space we could do whatever we wanted and all this power come in.

James: and the whole band is like that everyone walks in and does it. It happens and there’s something amazing about that. It’s almost like we’re on a ride and we all get on at the same time. And that’s the best part of it.

Jack: it’s an unusual band it is a band grinning with emotion it feels like that and that’s not the usual thing. And that’s part of what draws me into it. And you guys are like the Fleetwood Mac the two married couples in the band.

James: I’d say where more ABBA. We’re too old for it top end badly

Fiona: where too old for Rumours.

Mark: And a lot of it relates to Jenny. Years ago before we moved to the country Fi James Jenny and I had a band called the Last Call that’s where Nevermore came from. When Jenny got sick we put this band together for a benefit as a surprise. So that’s where a lot of the emotion comes from.

Jack: Nevermore was a highlight of the launch

Tracey: turning around seeing my son sing along I was like oh my god.

James: real music played by real people is meant to do that, whatever the emotion is. I listen to early Descendents and I’m still moved by that.

Fiona: what’s great about this band is the collaboration and I think that’s an overriding spirit with this band, even gigs we have to all agree on it.

Cal: there been two photos taken of the band after a gig and we all look happy, it not like oh its time to go home.

Jack: I think that would be a great exercise. To go back through the bands that we love and there’s that period, say two LPs people really love and whether there in that same spirit of collaboration, before the singer locked himself in a  room and wrote all the songs.

Mark: I think most bands start like that until a certain degree because it has to bring people together.

James: you gotta remember and Jack, you’re in a fortunate position, in my mind, Hunters where cool indie and where very successful, and always original and became popular, so you had the trifecta. Which is rare. In all due respect, Mark was in I Spit on your Gravy and never had that kind of success. The songs stand the test of time. Savage Garden were the biggest band in the world and you don’t hear them anymore yet Hunters is still played everywhere. I’m really lucky as I play in this band with these guys, and Fiona and Cal play in the long lost brother and I get to see that and just relax. I’m not in any dysfunctional band so it feels super normal what we do. And Jack with Epic Brass he has to wrangle so many people and they all enjoy themselves.

Jack: well that’s the thing with musicians you try and surround yourselves with people you like and can play and are professional and discard the othesr. Who wants that?

Mark I got too long a drive to hang around with fuckwits (all laughs)

Fiona: that should be a bumper sticker

Tracey: we should put all these saying on t shirts

James: and as I get older I discover more people, interesting artists. Penny Ikinger is a good example I knew of her when I was playing with Fi years ago and recently I got to know her really nice really talented. And Epic Brass a few weeks ago and Ash Naylor I’ve known for years socially for 20 years and he’s another lovely guy and player he was great in the band, it’s that excitement that keeps happening there no close doors. Yeah you get idiots but that will happen. I feel I’m seeing more great players then I’m seeing idiots.

Cal: playing with people you like and admire helps your musicianship. As jack was saying if you’re playing with great players you don’t want to mess up the song

Marks: that’s what I love about this band everyone gets a voice there no ego.

Munster: So James I remember you once saying the rest of the band organizes the gigs and everything else and you’ll write the songs, still true?

James: it’s giving me too much credit to say I wrote them. I write the lyrics and then it evolves from there. I couldn’t be, I say this to Fi all the time, I love Steve Earle and James Taylor these singer songwriter guys, but I couldn’t do that, you know write the song and say to the band do this do that. I feel comfortable with a skeleton and everyone puts the meat on it. I got to give most of the credit to what I do to Fi 50% . I’ve been with her most of my adult life and a great inspiration. Most of what I know from songwriting I pretty much stole from Fi. Fi’s way more disciplined then me and I wish I could, Charles Jenkins for example is a great songwriter and he can break it down but I can’t I find it was too random and difficult to do. Event good songs you try and make it a song and its 80% there but it can take two years to get the rest. I wish there was a way you could make it better because I don’t consider myself a songwriter because it always feels disjointed. These really prolific guys that can pump it out a feel envious of and blow my mind it feel difficult to make a family of songs to me….

Fiona: James used the word disjoined he always works a full time demanded job so no matter it feels disjointed so when he has time and time to think of it it does feel disjoined because it’s like climbing rocks to get the write words out.

James: but I couldn’t not work and stay at home and write that wouldn’t work.

Mark: I know what you mean as when your work and have other things going on you tend to get more done. If I have a lot of work on I get more done as opposed to doing nothing.

Jack: the tricky thing with the songwriter is it exists in a slightly different realm and all your life and experiences help with that. Even great songwriters who have written a lot of songs, for example John Hiatt he’s written so great songs but also a lot of bad songs. You know standard whining lyrics and standard chord changes. It kind of dismisses his songwriting as he does a lot of co-writes and sells songs to people and I love his best stuff but he’s written a lot of stuff, because of all that that’s not that great.

Fiona: James noticed that in the Van Gogh museum not every picture was a masterpiece. You try things and you take what works and what doesn’t and take that for the next thing.

Munster: how did the idea come from to have the lead vocals and Fiona and Tracey on backing vocals?

Cal: Diana Ross and the Supremes

Mark: looks good sounds good.  It’s a show it presents.

Tracey: I feel extremely lucky to be in the Dalicados family as I haven’t been in a band before.

Munster: this is your first band?

Tracey: yeah so the support and the encouragement has been fantastic. It’s scary but a lot of fun

Cal: we honestly didn’t think about Fleetwood Mac. ABBA maybe.

Fiona: Tracey has done a great job learning all the vocals and her voice on the record really enhances it

Munster: Fi and Trace you guys have a great stage presence, with the percussion and dance moves, do you practice that?

Fiona: yes in rehearsal.

Tracey: a lot of its spontaneous too. Even Jack does the side step with us.

Munster: You’ve just released your first single, where is the LP at?

Fiona: nearly half way through, five more tracks to go just to mix then mastering. And, it’s not a process we did a year ago and worked everyday it’s just when we’re free so that can make it longer. It’s almost a year since we started it. We started tracking in September last year.

Munster: Mark you play double bass, what made you play double bass as opposed to standard four string?

Mark: the sound, a mate pushed me into it 20 years ago, he plays double bass and thankfully enough it landed at my place

Cal: how long you had it for?

Mark: 19 years. John Danny gave it to me

Munster: Tracey you mentioned this is your first band, did you sing at school in choirs or anything like that?

Tracy: a Rock Eisteddfod at school. That was it.

Jack: what did you sing?

Tracy: Fernando.

Cal: you sing around the house.

Tracey: when Thousands Left Stranded started and I told her I was singing she said you cant fucking sing.

Cal: part of my courting of Tracey was burning CDs when I was in the country saying you gotta listen to this

James: Tracey’s parents are amazing, Louise was a amazing women and her dad is a legend, so supportive and goes to every gig.

Munster: Jack, you have a few gigs on the go and very busy, so what was the pitch for you to join?

Jack: the number of friends and to be honest it’s come at a time when there’s not many other big gigs. There mates and I liked the music so I wanted in.

Munster: Cal we were talking before how a seven inch you made as part of The Chosen Few that went for mega bucks recently, how did it feel making a seven inch that is possibly the most expensive punk seven inch out there?

Cal: it’s great we paid for it and never made a cent off it. It’s been bootlegged from all these company’s and never saw any money off it. It’s nice to know something you did 40 years ago is appreciated. Where’s at the time it was shitcanned. The review in Juke was difficult to classify as a collector’s item. Now it’s the most expensive single in the world.

Mark: when they reviewed St Kildas Alright they said this is a pile of shit the only saving grace is a walking bass line, and said it feels like it was recorded on an ocean.

Cal: we got grief because we put six tracks on a 45 size and run it at 33RPM, but now it’s worth all that money. And a hell of a lot of bands are covering us, Eddy Current is one. And an American Band called X Cult. So we got the fame, fuck the fortune.

Munster: Fiona, for me the highlight of the launch gig was your speech about James where you said you were going through a rough period and it was James and his music that got you through it and that particular song really helped

Fiona: Cakes and Ginger ale. Music has the power to make you stay so that’s part of why a married a musicians (laughs) and James rehearses everyday.

Cal: but that is such a powerful song when I saw you two do it acoustically it really hit us and when me and Trace got home we were still in awe.

Fiona: as Jack said about the emotional thing it exists from the well it came from. And we did that song with Jenny in the Last Call, that was the first band to do that song. I was working stupid hours and had to help 17 people through a redundancy with a company feeding us lies, so that was a sad time and James would working on that song and I would work with him on it. And it’s true we had Cakes and Ginger ales every day at work, and it was full of wonderful women who would bake every day and it was so sad through that period but the music helped me. There was a women at the place that got let go and James gave her a job

James: See I’m not a total scumbag (laughs).

Fiona: and she worked there for six years.

Jack: with that song, everyone’s talks about the emotion but James is an incredibly catchy guitarist. I feel blessed, as I do with working with Nicky Del Rey, when we write songs, here’s a chord change and lyrics, and some of his riffs are a real x factor and you’re the same James, the instant access to the song

Mark: one of our first gigs at the Lyrebird Viv Gaye came up to me and said you’ve got more hooks then a fishing tackle box.

James: with any song, I don’t write songs for people not to sing along, so that’s how my mind works. I’m not writing jingles but I feel I’m a commercial songwriter.

Fiona: you’re writing for people

James: absolutely in my mind I’m writing Sweet Child of mine

Cal: that’s a bad example. Possibly the worst hit song ever.

James: what I mean is, I’m not trying to write anything cool, I’m writing songs people will like, people that say I hate that commercial crap I’ve never understood that, in my mind I’m writing a big song and that’s how I work. I don’t know if everyone thinks like that but I’m not cool so I don’t think like that. I love big commercial radio songs like Spandau Ballet

Fiona: we had that experience when we’re younger and now when we look back at the radio, we’re still human and not perfect and its great having music by people in our age group that we get to hear. It’s new and exciting and give us hope and we belong. That’s really important in how we make music.

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The Fiction –Ramona LP review (Off the Hip)

Massive thanks to Rob Griffiths for providing me with this CD x

Now. A few years ago the Fictions long lost 1978 demo tape was dug up and released on the mighty Off the Hip Records (for a review of that release please visit https://frednegro.com.au/2018/05/17/the-fiction-negative-fun-off-the-hip/). It was an amazing time capsule of Melbourne in the 70s and up there with the finest punk releases to come out of this fine city. After 40 years since that demo was made, the Fiction ave returned to record 10 new tracks of punk/garage standards. With the same spirit they had in the 70s, the Fiction, driven by the two Robs, Rob Wellington on guitar, a great mate and good Piesman, and Rob Griffiths, pulling double duty also celebrating 40 years of Little Murders this year (new LP out now also via Off the Hip), is an tribute to those that say punks not dead.

Women is a ripper opening track, and the longest clocking in three and a bit minutes. Could ave been a 80s riot grrl anthem. Nice line about never finishing school and learning how to play bass. Rob W lets rip a great Ron Asheton style riff. Whatever It Might Take is an ace bubble-gum meets punk track telling the story of trying to find a girl then finding the right one and being so smitten with her and to do whatever it takes to make it work. Birdman is a brilliant tribute to the Oz punk pioneers. Should be used as a theme song for when the band walks on stage. I hope they do that at the Croxton. Rob unleashes a Deniz Tek riff to add to it. My Ramona slows things down. For a few seconds. Great lightning bolt style riff, Ramona, if she exists, should be very pleased with this fine accolade. Boy Town has a great 1 2 Ramones style punch, while I Need It and Elevator Man are bother ripper punk anthems, the former a scream together track, while Elevator Man is a come together get the lighter out moment. I know is a bare bones stripped back punk track that proves all you need is three chords a few lines of lyrics and two minutes. Nothing more

Ten tracks clocking in at 21 minutes, which goes nicely with my theory that no LP should go longer than 30 minutes. Instead of resting and living off the demo 40 years ago, the Fiction ave come up with a new wave of punk classics, showing that the spirit of 1976 will never die. Plus the live show, with the added guitar of drive of Rusty Teluk shows the band is still full of energy in the studio and on stage. Ramona shows the simplicity of punk rock and why its so brilliant. As mentioned above three chords a few lines and two minutes is all you need. So people think punk is stoopid because of its simplicity, but its simplicity is what makes it so great. It takes all the basics of rock strip it back and use the bare minimum and focus on that. Why come up with 20 chords and six minute wank fest solos when you can tell a story in 90 seconds. One of the best releases of 2019 and shows forty years after the band formed they still got it.

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Qualifying Final v Cats

Now. The best teams and players always lift when it comes to September and you see blokes giving it all and it/s a time when legends are born and made. This rant has nothing to do with that, don/t expect any extra effort from me. And after watching this game theres no extra effort from the callers as well as BT Bruce and Richo were in Steller awful form. After a week off (can someone please tell me why we ave this stoopid bye week, im yet to head a good reason why) it/s down to the last eight. After a season where ive read it all, Pies for Flag, Pies no Good, Pies to miss the 8, GG has lost the Tables award at Awards night (thats from the CEO) its all been said and written, but we got the double chance. Despite a poor July we ended the year on decent form. Some interesting selections going into the Cats game, the Gooster, Sidie and the prodigal son Idiot Pamela are all back while Scharenberg with the Lot, Madgen and Trav out. Interesting selection three forwards for three defenders. Trav has been up and down but hes the X Factor that we need in finals, but Idiot Pamela is a big in as hes been the bloke we/ve missed the most but one VFL game in three months is hardly a good run around the field. So im expecting the unexpected tonight, I just hope the cops and ambos aint gonna make a cameo tonight at the Balaclava.

I arrive at Surabaya Johnnys at 6:30 to meet Fred so we can escort him to the Bala. Fred and Dave play another cracking set. Connor is here as a Tigers fan he tells me he hopes both teams tonight beat the shit out of each other. The lovely Jo arrived at 7, and gives me a most thoughtful present a Magpie for the front yard. She tells me I ave to name him. I call him Sabu. Jos also wearing a Pies scarf and the $2 Shop Pies socks I brought her and the whole crew one season. . Dave has me on Timekeepers duty. I give Fred the five minute warning as we leave Johnnys at 7:32PM and we/re off. The CEO Pete informs me he/ll meet us at the Bala. A perfect bolt as we arrive with four minutes to spear enough to get a beer, but sadly not enough for a fag.

Mark, John Jackie and Owen are here, the lovely Elizabeth makes a cameo wishing us a good night

As I run to the bar Dermie says this is the big one. Isn/t the nig one in four weeks time? Jo has called it. We/ll get the first kick, and goal. We get the first kick, onya Jo. Jo has also coined Dangerfield DD as it makes him sound less dangerous, an excellent name that suits him. Linda has kindly booked the room for us with the tables in an amazing set up, so shes making a late charge for Awards night. Levi goes 50 but is pinned Brownlow to Billy Idiot Pamela has plenty of options and finds Dole Cheque who is pushed by DD, and hes off, his first moan of the night as Dole Cheque gets a free, Roughead is the target but two cats beat him. Adams Brownlow soccers it to go 50 cats all over it but they kick to the Hyphen who finds Speedboy short pass to Billy 40 out. Good diving mark but a bad kick 1-0. Matrix given a free leads to nothing. And fuck me Richo makes a good comment. I was in such shock I forgot to write it down. Pamela to Billy no mark is hit and rushed for another minor. Bruce says the Pies are putting the Cats to the fire. ITS FIVE MINUTES IN. Free to the Cats Fuck off Razor. Matrix taps to the Shag cats punch the ball out. Samurai to Speedboy Adams 30 out BANG 8-0. With more Pies then usual the hi 5s are a bit all over the shop. Im giving that effort a 12. We recall the Age Article where they call Pendlebury Matrix, we ask who called him that first? I heard Pete n Fred call him matrix and went with that. I don/t know who called it but im guessing the Age stole it from us. People asked if I read that article. I asked if my name was in the Age on that particular day, when I found out no I said why would I bother with that? Shag to Brownlow Noble kicks to G Ablett 3 votes Matrix hold him up Pamela beats two finds Billy back to Pamela Billy goes bang and we dance 14-0. Waz enters he tells me Jess says Go Cats. I tell him to tell her Pies. He says he aint going back to the Bowlo .Straightway Pamela goes the hack brilliant start 20-0. Crisp holds the ball just outta the cats 50 Pies, Ablett is booed. This bloke liked a hate post and has held the media and fans in contempt his whole career so I ave no sympathy for him. Levi is pushed no free from Razor. Hawkins has a shot we go to the review system with the amazing control room, for such a neat looking system its amazing how many times that fuck it up Point haha.BT says something smart telling the cats top move on. Shag marks on the cats goal line, thats crucial. Bruce says the cats don/t know whose on their team. Hawkins kicks to a bloke on the line and score 20-7. BT claims there is a lot at stake in this game. Uh like jackpot night for the quiz at the Bala, there was a lot at stake than id say this is slightly more higher stakes. Cats miss a sitter, Fred did his Chewy on ya boot, thanks to Rose for that. Cats ave a shot it looks like its gonna be a goal BT says don/t drag him after he kicks it. He misses you can drag him now for that pissweak effort.  Bruce says they/ve turned the corner despite butchering the ball you fucking idiot. Fred asks why the umps are wearing Sex Pistols shirts cats ave a shot another shit kick Moore punches Gooster is hit throw in. Adams free for grabbing the throat. Yeah fair enough. Brownlow and Selwood ave words, after a pause Richo says gee id like to hear that conversation. Cunt Carey says its so easy to turn the ball over and sling to the other end. You think? Richo comes up again saying the cats are in this contest. Dole Cheque to Sidie runs 15 out Find Billy three metres out he wants to pass but comes to his scenes 46-8. Col enters. The cats ave one more push up forward but Howe stops it.

Quarter Times

Pies 26

Cats 8

Jackie gives me some tapes, thanks love, great section with You Am I, Neil Young and NWA. Owen brings up what he calls the bad bet which I call the good bet. Owen claimed neither the pies or Tigers would make the final, to which I disagreed. So if one teams makes the final I get a shot if none make it Owen gets a shot. He wants to make a * to the bet. If both teams make it I get two shots. No other change to the bet. I agree to these terms to which Waz approves. Jo kindly gives me her chips. Ok focus the game is on. Samurai marks kicks to Matrix Krebs Pamela to Sidie marks Pamela cant mark hold Howe has a run from 50 goal of the night 23-9. Krbs free cats 50 Samurai Shag Sidie 60 out cats punch it over. Shag to Matrix Noble is cut off BT says cats need to win for fuck sake. And the pies don/t? Fred enters with 3D glasses Sidie marks Speedboy Howe again but is rushed over 33-9. Crisp Fred says Chip pass to which we eat a chip cats rush over ump calls deliberate haha Gooster on a tight angle misses up by 25. Levi takes an amazing backwards mark in cats 50 BT says cats need to address this. Samurai to Crisp Billy Brownlow Adams 15 out 40-9. Mark says he isn/t gonna cha cha cha as he abstained until the third goal and when he did the cats got the next. Cats dropped the ball but not paid but we get paid for holding, and again Fuck off Razor. Anyway kick gets what it deserves hits the post. BT says Cats need to react. Howe tops Levi with his own backwards mark. Levi and the hyphen ave four kicks to cover a grand total of 20 meters. Billys the target but cant hold on. But hits the cats and given a free for dropping. Shit kick leads to on the full. Shag intercepts the kick from the cats Krebs to Pamela Hyphen grabbed but puts boot to ball amazing goal 46-10. We go round the table but Fred pulls me up as we forgot to Hi 5. Owen wants in but Pete shuts that down. Cats go 50 BT says they can get something out of this. Anyway they get a goal and BT loses it is if they are killing us when its their second goal of the game, he claims they got it just in the nick of time. I break the seal, DD gives a free away he moans again. Cats go 50 BT says good movement. Bruce says so many battles tonight, yeah like me to not smash the telly listening to you daft cunts. Cats get another Bruce says they made a move. Seriously im sure Bruce is a nice guy but he just comes across like a silly fool here. Cats go 50 again and that leads to the main smoko.

Half Time

Pies 47

Cats 28

HT break sees me and Pete talk the Ashes Smith what a legend the best batsmen in my lifetime or maybe anyones. I don/t think hed be a bloke id buy a beer for but what a champion the man is a machine, very few compare to him. Chief Dunstall looks old with his jacket, Jo says we/re gonna win yup shes calling it.

Moore gets a free kicks to Noble has a run around in the Cats 50 finds Wills Brownlow Sidie Pamela beaten in the Pies 50. Adams has a shot touched on the mark rushed over 48-29. DD marks Bruce claims thats so important. Sidie to Dole Cheque plays on Cats pin him, BT says Cats need to ave a go. He follows up saying now what? Uh kick it? Brownlow to Wills Krebs holds the ball up Matrix held Sidie plays on brilliant goal 55-29.Cats get one straightaway and on Cue BT Says there back. We the discuss the grand final entertainment. Pete suggests the Loaf and Lionel Ritchie. I like that, I say go song for song. I add a suggestion, I want them on the Batmobel, with Angry Anderson driving, not singing. Ten minutes Later I tell Pete I also want Joe Dolce singing shut up in your face with the words changes. Whats a matter you GIL sounds good. Jackie says I just wanna dance on the sealing. Hey why not I did in 2010. Pies go forward Billy taps to Wills taps ball out DD gives a free and again he crys hahaSo does Ablett, wheres your messiah now Ablett? Mark says next goal is important. Richo says switch which leads to me and Fred singing Pay Your Rates by the Fall. Daisy is finally allowed to say something which Bruce says good point probably the only good point of the night. Pamela to Matrix from 45 brilliant kick 61-36 Bruce says that was good. BT says a forward loves it when the ball comes down so quickly. Richo agrees. I take this time to use the boys room and its time for a fag.

3 quarter time

Pies 61

Cats 36

Speedboy gets a shot after a free which Cunt Carey says shouldn/t ave been allowed, as if he has any kind of moral compass. Anyway Speedboy misses, some stats come up with Matrix and DD, Bruce thinks Matrix has been better all night. Well goes to show you he aint a complete fool. Dole Cheque pins a cat, great performance from him, clearly nothing good was on telly tonight. And in the fourth quarter ive got the headline act for the Grand Final. On the Batmobile I want Uriah Heep, in a trailer being driven from Shoppingtown to the G. Ok, Gil gimme $10 million i/ll make this happen. Dollhouse has a shot Bruce says he cant afford to miss this. He does haha. DD finally does something and BT claims no one loves getting the ball more than him. Does he ave a radar that he can judge that by? Richo also claims don/t you love a defender that that wins the ball? Well if he doesn/t win the ball he aint a defender hey Richo. Cats get another one which BT calls as if the/ve hit the front in the grand final with 8 seconds to go, when it really keeps em in the game with four minutes to go. He then shows off his math skills by saying they need 2 goals in 3 minutes. Within a minute BT says the cats need two goals Richo says cats need to man up, and Bruce says they need a mark and im done.




After the game Matrix is given a chairing and its none other than Shag that has him on one side. What a champion.  Oh and Matrix is great too. As I said in my mast rant Matrix is the greatest Pies player of my lifetime, hes got another 50 games left in him. A true champion congratulations on a brilliant career so far. Afterwards me Mark Jo Fred and Viv head to the den of sadness, as we discuss Hubert Selby Jr, as well as Dan Warner and Dave Warner. I mention Halt Time at the Football as the greatest football song of all time, and we also bring up the Dave song Wimbledon, which Mark brings up for me the greatest line ever in Oz rock

Björn Borg and Vitas Gerulitis
Don’t come down with serum hepatitis

Ah Dave, he was just a suburban boy.

Well, great result topping the top of the table team. The story for me was Krebs holding G Ablett to nothing and the brilliance of Moore and Howe in the backline, Moore in particular in the last quarter. However we won by only ten points against a Geelong side where Ablett Hawkins and Selwood did bugger all, if one of em had fired it could ave been the difference. Still a win over the top side and a week off nothing to sneeze at. Richmond are the form team and are gonna be hard to beat and looked very impressive against Brisbane. I cant see the Giants going beyond next week but I think its pretty open amongst the other five teams.

Anyway thanks for reading see ya in two weeks for the prelim rant.

Onya and GO PIES

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Round 21 v Dees

With three weeks to go and coming off beating the Jobbers the Pies must win to secure a finals spot, which this week sees us playing the snow bunnys. I stayed over the night at Geelong and came back to Smith Street for a party, so I knew I was gonna ave to do a Phantom to be able to watch the game.

Anyway, Friday night I was holed up in the Barwon Club which had the company of one Leaping Larry L, one of my favourite sports commentators out there. His podcast Footy Fowl House is essential listening and I encourage you all to listen to it at the Leapster Bugle. I crashed at my mate Glennos pad as we drove to Melbourne for his 50th the next day. At quarter time I get a message from my Dingley Correspondent Tim (I need to ask him if hes still living in Dingley) saying what a shit game. I get the phone for the score, ah, maybe i/ll stay at the party. 20 minutes later hes back on the blower saying what I turn around. I also see a photo Jackie has posted of her amazing set up of the tables at the Bala. She even arrived two hours before the game, now thats dedication. We may ave a new table arranger watch out GG. When I check the score I do the phantom stick my thumb out and get a car. Is it a phantom if I say goodbye to the host and the group I was talking to?

I walk in at Half Time and see Fred Pete Jackie Casey and Mark at the table. Jackie has done a wonderful job with the table arrangements, Pete says GG title as seat arranger is up in the air. Before the bounce a discussion takes place as to what you would call a group of octopus. Pete suggests a flock, Fred reckons it/s a group of seagulls you would call a flock which is an excuse to mention that New Years Eve gig a Flock of Seagulls played the Venue in the 80s. I cant start writing my report until I smash a fag and ave a beer at the table, so after getting some smoke in my lungs and a beer in hand now I can get to the coverage. I bring out the party blower Leroy gave us for GGs birthday a few weeks ago, Fred tells me to settle, reminding me I aint in the public bar anymore.

Billy to the Hyphen, with a fucking dribble kick to a Dees bloke in the square. Matrix 70 metres out thumping kick to Billy but with a pack situation hes too short to mark Sidie to Matrix Dees get the ball to the centre Wills taps to Brownlow bands his head on Nathan Jones leg, Billy marks 40 out just misses up by 18. Matrix from 40 goes bang 43-19. GG aint here to give us a score for the hi 5s, so im giving us a 10 for that effort. Straightaway Trav goes bang 49-19. G Lyon on the call says enough is enough, for what reason I don/t no. Enough is enough of him being a boring git that says nothing interesting? For fuck sake Garry say something interesting. He then goes on and says Pamela is still a chance of playing finals. For fuck sake you think? What football expert school did he go too? Madgen lands a good hit but paid a free against him, some daft Dees bloke grabs Madgens jumper and refuses to let go. Hows that not a free ump? Dees bloke has a shot, fuck it looks like our mate Dave Dare. Chimney sweep by day plays for the Dees on the weekend how does he do it? G Lyon says the Dees ave been better the last few minutes. Well they scored a goal, the first foer 30 minutes so yes Gaz is right that is better. Hyphen swings round high kick misses Bucks aint happy. Scharenberg with the lot has the ball, again I bring up what should be in a burger with the lot, i want bacon and runny egg, Fred reminds me this is game day not book club and I need to focus. Anyway Dole Cheque marks 20 out and nails it, Fred starts singing the Mad About You theme. I watched that on my time off, god that has aged badly, not that I liked it the first time round. Brownlow given free for holding, now heres where my notes fail me, I wrote Sidie 30 seconds, I don/t know what that means. Theres some Dees bloke with a Shag like haircut. Hes such a trendsetter they all want to be the Shag but theres only one. Crisp has an amazing run, two bouncers kick from 60 no one in the square outstanding effort 62-26. Pete gives the Hi 5s 12 out of 10 as Hudo says the Dees are getting a good probing. Ah nah I think they/re getting goals kicked against em Hudo, god to think I once liked him. Screwdriver from 60 finds Krebs 40 out shit free paid against him. We bring Crisp up, as we had an idea once whenever hed score a goal wed eat some crisp, but we all wanted different flavours so that idea was just a thought pretty much. Jackie brings up light and tangy crisps and ask if they were Smiths, I can confirm they was, or are I don/t know. Dees fuck up a chance G Lyon wants son of Rowdy penalized but as if anyones listening to that boring cheating fuck. Petes called it, Samurai has the Brownlow all wrapped up and won. It/s the Shag for me thats one it for me. Another fake Shag for the Dees appears, has a shot but of course he misses as hes a wannabee

3 quarter time

Pies 62

Dees 26

After a fag I walk in to see Dole Cheque get his fourth EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND INDEED. 69-26. Hyphen to Trav 15 out kicks up the kick Dees get it out, Daicos to Shag but cant beat three Dees. Hes only human. Petracca kicks a Dees goal, Pete says he wouldn/t get a game at Collingwood with a name like that. Hyphen to the Matrix Dole Cheque beaten by two Dees as  they get another point Wills to Samurai Sidie five meters out pinned Petraccas hit by Son of Rowdy Billy to Trav but touched on the line. We see some Melbourne blokes with helmets on, Pete mentions they can be used as skiing helmets as well. Theres a fake Shag for the Dees hearing a headband, that bloke didn/t get the memo bout skiing, which is where all those Dees fans in the rain now will be going in a few minutes. Dave Dare has a shot and misses. Max Gawn kicks one, hes tailormade for the snow. He goals wonder if Google told him that. Dees get a goal with five minutes to go to take em within four goals. Hudo acts as if they just hit the front of the grand final with a minute to go, when it was a consolation goal as they ave no chance of winning.  Later a Dees bloke soccers it a has a shot, Hudo screams clever. How clever? Its out of the full you fucking idiot. You certainly aint clever Hudo. Shag beats the fake shag, proving the original is always the best, he also calls it a important point not an important point and that will do us




After the game David King says without Pamela we need more players to kick goals. And thats why he earns the big bucks. We then sit down to watch the game of the season, the Lions vs Suns, with our new favourite player Zorko. Fred makes up some amazing story of the planet Zorko, wish I remembered it.

Two wins in a row, but not convincing and against bottom teams. But hey we made it. Pamela will be ready for the finals and hopefully Moore will be back which will be big ins. It’s the same six blokes playing good games, we need less passengers which theres at least ten out there right now.

Sorry for short rant, will be at the Bala from the start next week so will resume normal broadcasting next week.

See yous Saturday


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Have a Bleedin Guess: The Story of Hex Enduction Hour book review

Have a Bleedin Guess: The Story of Hex Enduction Hour -Paul Hanley

A repetitive, pulverizing barrage of unpleasantness briefly leavened by varying degrees of insanity and vandalized by the incoherent of its horrible non singing singer

That comment above is from comic genius Stewart Lee talking bout Hex Enduction Hour. It happens to be his favorite LP.

There ave been many books on the Fall that ave ranged from the good (Steve Hanleys The Big Midweek) the bad (Mark Middles The Fall, actually it/s good but annoying when he had a crack at fanzine writers). And the unclassifiable (Mark E Smiths Renegade gets an 11 out of 10 for the entrainment factor, but questionable on the history part). Now comes Paul Hanley with Have a Bleedin Guess, the story of Hex Enduction Hour.

Stewart Lee wrote the forward for the book and is now becoming the go to writer for introductions for cult legends in music (his liner notes for the recent Billy Childish anthology is magnificent). He mentions how he suggested Hex be a subject for one of the original 33 1/3 book series on classic LPs. They never approved it as they didn/t think it was worthy of a book, for fuck sake. At first I thought perhaps this book might be like a 33 1/3 but it/s not. In the sense it/s written by someone who was there, they spoke to the people involved, and is actually good.

Aving come off the back of his wonderful Manchester music book Leave the Capital, Hanley has written what will become the definitive text on the Falls “classic” LP. For my zine Munster I always ask as the final question what your favorite Fall LP, im yet to make a record of this but Hex is the club house leader. People who ave told me this include Kim Gordon and Steve Albini. And theres good reason for it. It is a cracked of a record. Mark E Smith is of course quoted saying if it/s me and ya granny on bongos it/s the Fall. Hex is the first LP that kind of lived up to that vibe. I always got the feeling the early releases pre Hex were a team effort and in later releases Mark took over as the band leader and not just frontman telling the group what he wanted from each song . It/s full of rage and venom and not a friendly listen and maybe not the first LP new comers should listen to, but it stands as a landmark achievement and while not my favorite it is in my top 5 Fall LPs and I totally understand the hype behind it. I remember listening to it when I was 19, and two minutes in with that incredible Steve Hanley bass line and drumming from Karl Burns and Paul Hanley on the Classical and with with MES screaming hey there fuck face I knew this was something else.

Hanley, for those unaware, became the Falls drummer when he was a teenager when long time drummer Karl Burns was AWOL. When the group toured the states in 1981 Hanley had to stay behind due to be under age and saw Burns back on the drum stool. When the group retuned it was decided both Burns and Hanley will remain in the group making the Fall a six piece with two hitters. As mentioned in the book, Burns was seen as MES/s closest confederate in the band, and could also be seen as a stooge for the great man, so Hanley was on his best form to prove to the groups leader he was up for the task.

The story pretty much picks up from when Paul joins the band, a discussion on the previous releases the Fall had done prior to Hex and the build up that lead to the LP follows. For me the highlight of the book is the story of the Iceland tour, which saw the concept of the LP come to life and where two tracks were recorded. MES mentioned the tour briefly in Renegade but Paul spends more time covering the shows. Paul mentions how due to rock bands rarely playing in Iceland people came out in droves and was front page news in the local papers, and the horror of beer being outlawed. One funny story was MES telling Paul he was disappointed in him for being hungover. Anyone that knows anything bout MES knows that/s a pot kettle black moment.

Returning home the group recorded more tracks at an old cinema. While the group was slumming it out on the cold stage, MES was upstairs in the warmth. Steve Hanley mentions there leader said the lads don/t need heating. Smith in interviews said this was to be the final Fall record, which was news to the rest of the group, but some members conceded when they look back and with some of the lyrics in the album do wonder that maybe this was meant to he the Falls swansong. But if it was the group asks what was MES gonna do next?

Each track on the record is discussed in detail. With information on when recorded, first played, who played what and the inspiration for it. Hanley has done an amazing job covering this LP. He specks of his own experience as well as interviews with the group which at the time were his brother Steve, Marc Riley and Craig Scanlon, as well as manager Kay Carol, long term mixer/producer Grant Showbiz and original member Martin Bramah.  Also interviewed is folk singer Stuart Estell who possibly has the claim of being the shortest Fall member of all, aving played on one track live in 1998. And he was in the crowd when he played that one song. As Stuart Lee mentions in the forward he has done an incredible job with the footnotes. Some for historical purposes, other times its Pauls personal opinion. Karl Burns is not interviewed, anyone that/s read Dave Simpsons the Fallen will know why. While MES is no longer with us he does appear though many past interviewers. Although no longer with us you can almost guarantee he would ave no part of this given his disdain for nostalgia  

One of Hanleys strengths is you sometimes forget he/s a member of the band when reading this. He writes it more as an outsider looking in. it/s not till he says the odd I or Me that you realize he was actually there. One of the running themes is the set up between him and Burns. Karl Burns was one of the few guys to be fired and rehired time and time again, and it appears MES had a softy spot for Burns and Hanley knew he had to be on his best form during the recording. Was fascinating reading who played what on each track and also hear Riley Scanlon and the two Hanleys discuss their take on who came up with what.

MES has said many things about past members, and all ave things to say bout him. Marc Riley has been one of MES favorite punching bags after Riley left and he doesn/t hold back here. Steve Hanley and Craig Scanlon never slag off their former leader, but all the praise they throw at him is all work related. MESs work ethic is a big talking point. Despite pumping out release after release Steve Hanley and Scanlon question his hard work front. Steve Hanley claims the story of Mark showing up at Rough Trade at 9am to make sure everyone has punched in is rubbish as he could never see him getting up that early. Paul Hanley himself shares his experience of working with MES and it come across like MES was in t5he office while Hanley was slumming it on the factory floor. As mentioned above each track is discusses in detail, and one story I loved his MES telling Scanlon what he wanted a riff on a song to sound like, and MES would show him on an old four string toy guitar how to play it. Anyone that has read more than one Fall book will know there has been different takes on different situations. When talking Hip Priest, Hanley discusses royalties. The track is used in Silence of the Lambs, and MES in Renegade claims he only gets 6% of the coin. Hanley claims because he wrote the lyrics MES gets 50%, and even a little bit of the remaining 50 as he helped with the music. Hanley seems to be more interested in setting the record straight as opposed to settling a score. The Classical is discussed in detail, and also the use of the N word. At the time the group received little to no backlash from fans or critics and even received very little today. The group all agree that it is not Smiths personal views and at the time had little problem saying the word given the use was in context, but all agree they would not use it today even with the context. A version of The Classical on Fall in a Hole, the groups 1982 live in New Zealand LP, months after Hexs release, sees the term not used.

MES gets the final word: The thing about browsing through these books is that you don/t find out anything about me at all, do you? I/ll leave that up to the reader

Hanley needs to be praised for his writing style, research and storytelling. Aving also written a cracker book in Leave the Capital a few years ago I hope Hanley continues to make more books as the man has talent.

This is up there with his Brother Steves book the Big Midweek as the best books on the Fall and one of the best books that is dedicated to a whole LP. An absolute must read for Fall Fans.  

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Preliminary Final v giants

Pictured above: Toby Greene going after Lachie Neales eye

Now. All week people ave been telling me you/ll smash em get your grand final tix now.  But I aint so sure. Collingwood and finals could mean anything and the Giants will be no easybeats. Mind you with all their outs we don/t deserve to be on the last day of the season if we cant beat em today. As usual i/ll be at the Balaclava to witness whatever unfolds, as always im expecting the unexpected.

Now onto this Greene business. Roy and HG ave named Greene grub of the year, to a nicer guy it couldn/t happen too. Giants Football manager Matthews claims the system failed him, but as HG Nelson said the system didn/t fail football. Rampaging Roy Slaven mentions how Grubs always deny their involvement and say it wasn/t me that’s not the real me. Once again Roy and HG are the only commentators that make scene. Remember Gaff last year, we had to hear what a great bloke he was, despite punching a bloke. Sorry Greene someone with a rap sheet is worthy of the term grub although id use a much nastier word to describe him. Comments hes a good person fuck off, hes a coward. That simple. And seeing Brownlow and Jack Riewoldt try and defend him on 360 saying that you want him to play on the edge. Theres a fine line to being a bastard on the field to being a gutless thug. He got what he deserved. Mind you should ave gone the week before. You know when your in trouble when Kane Cornes is one of your biggest supporters.  

I LEAVE the house and go for a lovely walk with two hours to kill before the game. On route to the Bala im picking up the lovely Josie to accompany me to the pub . I meet a lady walking her dog who tells me she was in the St Kilda cheer squad in the 70s and how she always was allowed into the rooms and treated like a real member of the club. She says she stopped following football when the league went national, claiming the competition should ave stayed in Victoria and she missed the tribal suburb element to footy. She didn/t even know who we are playing but wishes us best of luck.

As im on track to Jos I hear my name being called out it/s the CEO Pete who tells me he/ll see me there, neither of us is confident. The lovely Jo and me ave a nice leisurely stroll as opposed to bolt to the Bala

We arrive with 30 minutes to kill Adam and Terry are already here, always great seeing these guys. As I ave a pre/game dart to calm me down Brad walks past. Bernie took a great photo of me and Brad after last years grand final. Me looking sad with Brad putting his hand on my shoulder. The photo that sums up so close but just short and how we/ll ave a drink after the game and all will be fine.

Five minutes until the bounce to go Fred and Gordon walk in. Jo calls it Pies first goal. Fred says Dole Cheque will get the first Pamela second. Val enters which is a nice surprise. I always time for him. Wendy the nice lady who always watches the footy in the other room joins us. Good start with free to Matrix Reid the target but couldn/t hold, stalemate 10 from home. Free to Samurai straight to the giants. Cameron v Moore will the match up that will shape the game I claim to the pub and Fred informs me that/s why I get the big bucks. Crisp gets  a bad bounce Brownlow to Pamela Speedboy Hyphen Sidie Noble Heather smoothers the mark. Terry calls him a traitor, I inform him we got rid of him but Teery claims it don/t matter. I/ll always a soft spot for Shaw, that smoother in the replay is my favorite grand final moment. 30 out Crisp goes bang 6-0. Speed from Heather Samuri Crisp giants free leads to Screwdriver mark in giants 50. Giants play tunnel ball Adams gives away a bullshit free for tripping when the giant bloke tunneled him. Gil made that call. Sidie to Screwdriver leads to out on the full. Krebs taps for out of bounds one ball Sidie soccers Son of Rowdy almost hit. James enters the pub, Wills Crisp Aish good tackle Samurai tumbles Screwdriver Giants punch out both teams defense is amazing. Given em nothing. Pies throw penalized why didn/t they pay that last week? Pies get the ball out of Giants 50 due to slippery ball and sloppy play from the giants. Wills Billy free in the back. Pete enters Giants goal, down by 1. Crisp takes a great mark 10 out from giants home. Brownlow to Pamela 30 out turns just in time one steep what a goal 12-7. As Brad says at quarter time had every right not to kick that goal but he somehow did amazing goal. The commentators mention how Sidie won the Garry Ayres award for player of the finals last year. I look around and ask the question that such an award exists? There all the same as me never heard of it. Crisp has the ball as Mr Football enters. Moore beats Cameron 30 out but kicks on the full. The Giants do fuck all with the chance they got. It/s been mostly up there end and done nothing. Mind you we/ve only kicked two goals looks like its gonna be a struggle back n forth kinda game.

Quarter time

Pies 12

Giants 9

I run to the bar to get a round in for me and Jo and the fucking keg needs to be changed of course it does. I look on the big screen as I see Reid marks in the 50 I run back in to the table to watch him goal. Pete says Reid might win the Brownlow this year. Shag is hit in the back 50 but they get a point serves em right for touching our boy. Brownlow has a shot but giants mark the ball on the line they take it to the other end and take the lead. Fred mentions Dole TV and mentions the only thing on is Kramer v Kramer. Is Dole Cheque a Meryl Streep fan? That could be a problem. Pete was livid that Jake and the Fat man was off on Monday I tell him my mum says it was on the telly on Tuesday. The CEO was livid Jake was taken off for a Fishing show. is it just me or is there 500 fishing shows on the box right now. Fred cant believe we/re discussing this while the game is on and neither can I. Race between Cameron and Moore again sees Cameron lose, but the kick is bad and Cameron gets another go but only manage a point.  Luke Darcy reminds us theres a lot at stake in the game. Meanwhile Lingy says you know who’s enjoying this right now? Don/t fucking say it! And of course he says Richmond. James says Reid needs a haircut. Rowdy soccers the ball 8 meters out but cant put boot to ball. This is the perfect time for me to pull out my Mike Atherton impersonation saying now you but boot to ball and convert its not rocket science. Im quite proud of that. Giants push with 20 seconds to go Adams gets it out and find Hyphen and that will take us to the main break. Waz had brought a footy

Half Time

Pies 20

Giants 17

Tez says the game is being played on out terms, but theres nothing comfortable about a three point lead. Half Time sees Waz pull the footy out and circle work with the fresh air going round. I call Lofty as me and Adam praise the great man as Casey enters, both of us are nervous. We see this stoopid fox footy ad promoting next week saying it Richmond vs Pies/Giants. Why don/t you just wait til the game ends to promote the proper game next week? Anyway Rose and GG enter, we need Rose and her chewy on ya boot at this crucial stage of the game. Shag loses to giant in 50 Aish is hit throw in. Fred again refers to Sidie as one ball, Gordon questions the legitimacy of this. Giants hit lead down by four. JB says the cream of the crop is rising for the giants THEY KICKED ONE GOAL you fool, again you know nothing about football I guess you gottta say something.  At this point we get expert commentary from Fred: Bucks aint happy. That/s why he gets the big bucks. Sidie to Crisp leads to out on the full. Fred asks me if I ave the shoehorn on me, I hand it to him. He gets a direct line to Bucks despite the fact hes quite busy. He tells him to kill Nick Haynes, I make sure its not to kill our dear mate Nick Haines. Anyway fucking bullshit 50 given against Brownlow, we see Kelly shove Brownlow, he fires back and the cunt played it for all its worth. Like Greene hes good playing the victim when he started it, what a dog act. The cunt goals. Freds back on the expert commentary, saying Bucks still happy. Now compare that to JB who claims the pies cant concede another goal. While Darce says the Pies need a goal. We all scream you idiot. Talk about Dumb and Dumber. James mentioned Dole Cheque aint had a touch. He must been watching Kramer vs Kramer.

3 quarter time

Pies 22

Giant 49

Out the back with me head down contemplating what the fuck went wrong. Mark asks if I can book a Collingwood victory. I say sorry I left the shoehorn at the table. Viv walks past miming a kick which makes me smile, one of the few things that can made me smile right now. Cameron goals and I write in my notes thats it. Any further evidence? JBs called it.  I run to the bar. And fuck me they/ve run out of pint glasses. Doesn/t matter im not in a rush to get back to the table.  Pamela goes bang down by 26 but ive given up hope. Straightaway Billy to Speedboy what an amazing goal down by 20. Howe goes forward Reid is being held, Tez says hes not a memory you cant put your arms round him. I praise that Johnny Thunders reference.  And then the moment ive been waiting for the shag is the savour. Fuck he goals, I scream the roof on the pub off, hes gonna do it hes gonna win it for us. Looking at my notes two days later it/s a bit of a mess so i/ll say the Shag had another shot and I blew my load before it was overturned while the last imagine we see is that smug prick Greene in the race, Oh and shootout to the Giants fan with the Free Toby sign. Good onya for defending a cowardly little shit. Oh and JB i can see how long is left i don/t need you telling me every eight seconds how long is left.

After the game it/s off to the den of sadness, Vivs name for the back smoking area, and it sure is full of sadness. The day gets worse when I see Taylor Swift aint coming to the Melbourne Cup. I read on the anti social media some taunts throws at the pies way, mostly from Carlton fans, maybe they should be more concerned with their team actually winning a few more games next. At least our team has been relevant and not a laughing stock for two decades now. We head to Johnnys later on for the Hanks. Gordon dedicates Drinking Thing to me which always makes me feel nice, onya Gordo. Rose bids farewell as she says hopefully we can leave the pub next season feeling better. I bid the lovely Jo goodnight as well as im bout to tap out. I head for a KFC feed before I see the brilliant Suzi Q who tells me to come in for a beer. Kindly she offered to buy me a beer but as a loser I feel its better to buy my own. Like the Hanks The Kat O Army at the Vinyard take away the misery.

Well that wasn/t in the script. Disappointing end to the season. You can/t win a final if you only play a half of footy. Giants where better than us for 20 minutes but boy did they make it count. Had we won theres no way we would ave beaten the Tigers this week, so I feel better getting it out the way. Still bit flat this hurts more than last years grand final loss. Last year I expected nothing, and while I wasn/t expecting to go all the way to get this far and end the season on a whimper makes me feel guttered. My mate Nick Haines, the North Adelaide guru texted me saying he hope im alright. He also said we shouldn/t feel so bad about a game but we do. It/s a wonderful game, but is just a game. And despite all the times I said im done I need a year off i/ll be back. i/ll always be back with Fred Pete Jo Gordon and the crew cheering the boys on. It/s what we do. It/s what brings us together for two and a half hours a week and a way for forget the world and enjoy this beautiful game. Its what we do . Next week I just hope Great Bloke Toby Greene and Chopsticks Dusty Martin belt the shit outta each other. Aside from that I ave no interest on who wins.

So yeah that/s it. See if I can be bothered writing a rant next week. I know not the best way to end the year but I thought id end the rant the way I feel. Flat.

GO……..ah I can/t even say it.

In case this is the last time you hear from me this year i/ll leave you with the words of Jim Cornette

Thankyou Fuck You Bye Bye.

Oh and look out for Munster #29 very soon x

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Week after regular season/week before finals rant

Good evening all welcome to Munster Bye week finals rant. The rant that has more piss sunk covering the games then Mark Robinson does after the footy and more look at me look at me im an attention seeking wanker traits then Kane Cornes.

Sorry for no rant on the Bombers game. I was tied up with commitments writing for The Age. Yes im a prostitute and go with whoever pays me that given week.

Its/ been a week since the Bombers game so feels wrong to do a full rant on a game thats a week old, and fuck what a week to miss a rant. The pies won there was a fainting the ambos came, the copes were called. Twice. Me and Pete talking basketball. Riveting stuff.

So instead im just going to do a general angry young man rant on whatever comes to my mind of this season with me sitting at the computer

This Friday will mark the 300th game of Matrix, or Scott Pendlebury as his mother calls him. In my life time, Bucks, Swan, Matrix, and Rocca (Sav that is) are the best ive seen put on the black and white jumper, for me Matrix is the best. Ive never heard anyone say he had a bad game or that hes been quiet for long periods of time. Hes a bloke that give everything he has when he runs on the pitch, when he retires hes gonna leave nothing in the tank. A true leader, respected by players of all teams, a courageous player and someone very worthy of the captains title. He is a true inspiration and a bloke all others should look up too. Onya Matrix give the cats hell on Friday and looking forward to game 400. Oh and congratulations on being made All Australian captain. Hey Mike Sheahan remember when you said he was no longer a A Grade player? Think its time they renamed that media centre at AFL House named after Mike. HG Neilson House would be a better fit as hes one of the few callers I listen and makes sense.

Whoever told Gil he should use the phrase Our Game should buy a round of beers for every footy fan out there for the suffering we ave to endure everytime he says that. Our Game is not a bad phrase, but they gave it to the wrong man. As I mentioned in a previous rant footy fans are embarrassed this upper class twit is running the game and hes embarrassed to be running it. Hes the kind of guy that landed the first high paying role he could land and get his stoopid brother a job as well. Im not saying you need a footyhead to run the league but this twat would never last a day at Windy Hill, Vic Park or the animal enclosure at Moorabbin,  he/d be the knob that calls security for what he thinks is abusive behaviour such as bold headed flog. Geez that poor bloke aint gonna live that down. It/s the same fella that hired Ed Sheeran, who a mate of mine described his work as music they play in public toilets so junkies don/t shoot up in em, because his daughter likes him. How many footy fans used his GF set to use as a pissbreak. Growing up footy was always a working/middle class game, a game people of all sorts would go and for three hours forget their trouble and scream and cheer, the way footy should be. But since the 2000s that’s changed and now its all about the corporate sponsors and whoever has enough zeros to make Gil listen. They couldn’t/t give a fuck bout the average club member in the stands. Case in point the Cats finish top of the ladder yet the Pies get the home game. Actually I shouldn/t complain bout that but for Gil to come out and say oh its for the fans to move the game to the G as opposed to saying it all bout the revenue shows how daft this lad is. So Gil, I don/t know which game your referring to when you say our game but count me out.

So far four coached ave come out and said they got full support of the board, ie see ya gone. I find it odd how coaches are treated in the media and the fans alike. Take Alan Richardson, honest show of hands, how many people who called him a genus after the first month where calling for his head ten weeks late?. After that long with no finals I don/t disagree with the decision even though a run of injuries didn/t help, but it seems after Luke Beveridge pulled off the fairytale flag of the Dogs in 2016 if someone can turn round a club straightaway there a genus while if they lose three in a row its off with their heads. I would ave liked to ave seen Richo stay the full year and see what he could ave done as he seemed to be liked by the players, but it wasn/t to be and the Saints ave had a solid run home under Ratten who should be the choice for coach with his past experience and what hes done in a short amount of time. It seems the days of coach swapping are through, if you get sacked from one club you/re pretty much blacklisted. Im glad Ratten will get another chance because he got a rough deal when the Baggers let him go, and gee didn/t that Malthouse idea work out great. . Then there/s Ross Lyon, yeah time for him to go, with no finals, and three years into a five year plan that looked like it was going nowhere it was an obvious decision. Mind you that/s what you get when you hire a bloke that sounds like the adults from Peanuts.

Anyone heard the Sun Podcast Sacked? The third episode was on Scott Waters. A bloke that shock up the club, had multiply people resign for how he ran the joint stuck his noise in departments where he didn/t belong, came out on radio and said everythings fine im well respected and was sacked hours later. Which producer thought yup we need to hear more from this guy? And also hear Malthouse moan bout his Carlton days? Again, how did that turn out?

Now on to the flag, my prediction. ITS ANYONES FLAG. Well anyone that made finals. That/s why Fred and Pete employ me for opinions like that.

Anyway sorry again for no rant last week and sorry for this rushed lame rant.

I/ll be back next week for the finals.


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Cereal Killer interview

Above pic by Jamie Wdziekonski  ( @sub_lation on instagram  )

I first saw Cereal Killer at the Tote in 2017. They played a killer show, one of the most jam packed intense gigs I saw in recent times and was one of those moments when I thought I need to see and hear more of this band. Two hears later the band released there first LP, the Beginning and End of Cereal Killer, the debut and finishing release. The LP has plenty of the power of the live show, combining elements of garage, punk and electro, one of the most fresh and finest releases of 2019. Singer Zane was kind enough to answer some questions via correspondence , kindly but together by Billy from Anti Fade Records.

Munster: How did Cereal Killer start?

Zane: Um, shit, I don’t fully remember but i think billy pretty much went to America in like 2015 for an Ausmuteants tour, I think he listened to nothing but Metallica for a month and saw big zit play once and got in his head that he wanted to start playing in something more heavy. He started making demos and I think I just fell into the singer roll.

Munster: I love a good play on words, who came up with the name?

Zane: Billy made up that name, of course. Im not sure if I thought it was dumb at the time but I definitely do now ha.

Munster: You all play in other bands, was Cereal Killer treated as a full time band or a side project and play whenever you are all free?

Zane: Shit I guess kinda, probably at least for a bit while it was real new, but I don’t think ive ever really taken a band seriously in the sense that id list one more important than the other.

Munster: Been reading online this is the first and last LP by the band? Is it true and what brought on the split?

Zane: Yep its true, probably more than anything just the fact that we had such a big break from playing that by the time we started playing again we were all doing different things.

Munster: Is that odd aving an LP coming out knowing the band aint going much linger?

Zane: Yeah I guess it is pretty whack.

Munster: What process went into making the Beginning and End of Cereal Killer?

Zane: Umm, we were all writing songs for a bit, and having fun and the first half came together pretty easy but while the second half was written I was in the middle of doing year 12 and we all had our own things on so it got a bit harder.

Munster: How did you become involved with Anti Fade Records?

Zane: I dunno the guy just messaged us out of the blue one day.

Munster: When I first saw you guys you had a great hardcore vibe which I love, and then I listen to the LP and its got all different things happening, there/s elements of hardcore and electro and other things happening, are you guys kinda like the Melvins, in the scenes you don/t want to be labelled into a genre and just do whatever you want?

Zane: I don’t think so, im not really a melvins fan so I couldn’t really tell you, but most of the electro stuff was dave, I guess we kinda wanted to do something a bit to an extent.

Munster: The LP has rough as cuts rock n roll but then theres the electro stuff, how do you get that on tape, do you ave one method of recording when it comes to the rock stuff and another for the other styles?

Zane: Ive got no idea, billys the mastermind behind all that.

Munster: Your Punk Scene Can Suck It, is the stand out track for me, is that a reference to any scene in particular?

Zane: Yeah its definitely directed at Melbourne.  I think I got the idea from the song on that Charles Bronson record “marriage can suck it”, I think at the time I was playing in like 3 punk/hardcore bands and just had no idea how sick of punk music I was ha.

Munster: Another track I loved is Zanes Gone Away? Zane a mate of yours?

Zane: Nah, im zane. I actually say something different there and it used to be called whatever it is I said, pretty sure someone just said it wrong one day and we started calling it that.

Munster: I saw you play in Melbourne supporting Feedtime, and you said this is the last time your playing in Melbourne, as everyone was just standing still not rocking out, which is a very Melbourne thing if you ask me. What for you are the main differences between the Geelong ad Melbourne

Zane: I said all kinds of dumb shit between songs, I didn’t mean any of it. Id generally get anxious and sweat a show a bit if everybody just mosied around, but im not really one to get in a mosh pit so I cant really say anything. Shit, as for differences I don’t know, less people, lots of jocks.

Munster: Theres a lot of hype around the LP which is great because its such a great record but also because you guys don/t play that often. How do you in this day and ager get people talking bout you when you don/t play that offen?

Zane: Im not sure, probably more of a billy question again.

Munster: Whats coming up next?

Zane: Right now I don’t really have anything coming in hot, possibly some new living eyes or vertigo, not sure.

Munster: Standard final question, whats you favourite Fall LP if you ave one?

Zane: That’s a damn good question, I recently converted from calling “live at the witch trials” to “nations saving grace” my favourite.


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Plastic Section Interview

A mixture of John Spencer and Sun Records, Plastic Section are one quickly becoming one of our favourite bands here at Munster. Combining classic 50s rock with their own touch Plastic Sound are familiar but also fresh. Ben Edwards started the group in Sydney took it to Bangkok and now Melbourne where he has now landed. I first met Ben at the GEM and kindly gave me a copy of their CD Frenzy in the City of Hell. 12 tracks in under 30 minutes, short sharp and to the point not a wasted moment. There follow up Trouble is our Business is more of the same and one of the best releases of 2019. One of the hardest working men in rock Pip has joined the group on bass joining Ben and drummer Matthew. Ben and Pip met me at the Last Chance Rock n Roll Bar on a Thursday night to talk rock, the art of recording on cassette and the various locations they’ve called home.  

Munster: So how did Plastic Section start, did the band start in Australia or Bangkok?

Ben: when I was living in Sydney I had a band called the Section sort of garage rock band but I occasionally did gigs on my own or with various people so I called that Plastic Section. When I moved to Bangkok I kept that going as I did gigs on my own, so people came in and it became a proper band but it was always pretty loose with people coming and going. When I moved to Melbourne I wanted to keep it going, I met our drummer Matthew first through a mate who put me in touch with him because I didn’t know may people in Melbourne. Pip saw a few of our gigs and asked if we needed a bass player. It’s worked out well.

Munster: I first saw Plastic Section with the Beat Taboo at the Gem and I think that was as a two piece and not long after that Pip came into the band so Pip how did you join the fold?

Pip: I was at one of their gigs and I was very drunk and thought they were great, and because I’m very annoying when I’m drunk I told them what I thought and asked if they needed a bass player. A few weeks later Ben called me and that was that.

Ben: I think we played a gig with Wrong Turn at Cherry Bar one night

Pip: That’s right

Munster: Pip you play in Plastic Section, Wrong Turn, Blowers and the Exotics how do you find the time to play in all these bands?

Pip: I’ve multiplied myself (laughs). Its weird, it’s worked out. One day I played three gigs with three bands and it was too much. It’s pretty fortunate there hasn’t been much conflict. Basically its first come first served if someone says we got a gig on the 21st  I say yup and go from there.

Munster: Trouble is our Business is your new LP out on Off the Hip, tell us the process of recording it?

Ben: it was basically the set we’ve been playing lately. Mickster was keen to release something and we wanted something out in Melbourne. We hooked up with Raul from Midnight Wolf and we did it in an arvo at the rehearsal space Raul works

Pip: can I just add at that point I had been in the band for three weeks, I’d only had one gig with them at that point.

Ben: it was rough on him. It was rough n ready we just wanted to bang something out that sounds like a live set. Raul recorded it on cassette he had an 8 track cassette tape, he did the mixing as well and Lluis Fuzzhound did the artwork

Munster:  How did the association with Mickster and Off the Hip Come about?

Ben: when I moved to Melbourne I didn’t know many people but I knew Mick and I knew the shop as I was a fan of a lot of the stuff he released. And when in town I’d always go in and have a chat with Mick. I gave him a demo at one point and when I moved down we played a gig at the shop so it when from there

Munster: You mentioned you recorded the LP on Cassette, what benefits are there recording on tape?

Plastic Section Trouble Cd Off The Hip Lluis

Pip: it’s warmer.  And also makes you more on your game, you can’t be too fancy as you only have eight tracks. So you need to by fishy with how you play. I’ve recorded with Raul before with the Interceptors and we were really happy with that he does a good job.

Ben: we prefer recording live anyway basically, or do the tracks live at least and do the vocals afterwards the process is pretty similar but gives it a warmer sound.

Pip: we recorded it all top to bottom in six hours then it was a mixing thing so it takes that pain out of going back, there’s no over dubs so that was it.

Ben: ideally         the thing would be to record from real to real tape so you get that in-between sound. Raul is good because he can take that and mix it digitally but has that analogue sound

Munster: Pip how did you go recording considering you were in the band for a few weeks?

Pip: I’ve become used to it, flying on the seat of my pants. Tex Napalm thought me that, the skill of to this learn this, kind of a do or die scenario. I do find it quite stressful but its one of those things, and if you fuck it up its only rock n roll we’re not gonna lose our houses or anything.

Ben: rock n roll shouldn’t be perfect there’s always little mistakes

Munster: when I listen to that record it feels like a Sun City sound with elements of John Spencer, how did you get that 50s guitar sound?

Pip: I would say its Bens natural guitar sound. Its brilliant.

Ben: the only technicity in terms of recording is basically doing it live which is how they did it in the 50s and 60s and most bands do it that way now, the idea of overdubbing everything is a 80s and 90s thing.

Pip: and you lose the three piece sound, overdubs loses the vibe

Ben: yeah it never quite connects. And the songwriting is influenced by 50s and 60s rock n roll which I love the most.

Munster: Ben when I met you at the Gem you gave me the record you did before this and it came in under 30 minutes Trouble is Our Business is 10 songs also under 30 minutes which I love the keep it short nature of the songs.

Ben: yeah, im not into guitar solos

Pip: people have short attention spans these days anyway

Ben: and again all the songs from the 50s and 60s were short songs and just perfect little capsule, and if there was a solo it was a little burst of energy. It’s a part not a random improvised its part of the song not just banging on for five minutes.

Munster: Pip obviously you were a fan of the band to want to join but was there something you thought was lacking that you thought you could add to the group?

Pip: the bass player on the other CDs, I’m a different kind of player. She’s a natural musician where’s I’m not. I’m by no stretch of the imagination a natural musician. So it’s more the way I play gives it more of a fill. There’s things we’ve put together since I’ve put some ideas in with arrangements so I think we’re working well together.

Ben: and since Pip joined we’ve been going all new stuff and we/’ve got another LP of songs ready to go

Munster: Ben you lived in Bangkok for a period while having the band going what was the scene like over there?

Ben: It was great, like everywhere else it’s a real underground scene they have a massive pop scene but they have a great underground scene with venues like this and some amazing bands, and its quite international a lot of bands are a mixture of Thai Japanese American Australian all playing together so it makes an interesting mix, we play a few times a month but its small, most gigs would have 50 to 100 people. There’s not a lot of rock n roll bands. There’s heaps of hardcore punk and shoegazing and power pop so we were one of the few just doing straight rock. And its really devise you’d get four bands playing different kinds of music and everyone’s supportive so it works well.

Munster: And Plastic Section also played shows in Berlin too.

Ben: we just went there for a holiday but planned to play a few gigs while we were there. We had a drummer friend who played with us in Bangkok who was living in Berlin. We lined up a gig at record shop and he said you can play here as our neighbors have complained about the sound so that didn’t happen but he got us some gigs. One was supporting Paul Collins Beat and the other in this small basement venue. Loved to go back

Munster:  And you’ve been on a few TV shows overseas as well.

Ben: did a few in Bangkok in Thailand they make their own contact on radio and TV so there more opportunity’s where here we get a lot from American. Did that a few times but never got to see any of it as I didn’t have a telly.

Munster: Pip your one of the busiest people I know what is it your looking for in a band that makes you wanna sign up?

Pip: I have to like the music but I’m more about the people. And that’s generally most of the bands I’ve been in people I know who are friends and I’ve volunteered or they asked me. For me personality in bands that’s a big thing. If they can gel, you need to have some kind of connection. You read an ad online band needs guitarist and for me that’s not really how I’d work I’d rather see the band meet them and say ah yeah I’ll do that

Ben: I agree every time I start something new I’d rather play on my own and go from there and meet people that way.

Pip: and it’s organic not this forced thing. It’s a fun world for us, we’re not gonna make a living of this this is why we have a day job

Ben: and that’s one good side of not making a living from music is that it means it has to be fun and people have to do exactly what they want to do otherwise why would you do it. Otherwise there’s no reason to do it.

Pip: and I’m no spring chicken to me it’s an energy thing it gives me something to do it beats sitting at home watching…..whatever’s on TV.

Ben: I finds Melbourne to be really friendly, I knew hardly anyone when I moved down here now I have a bunch of friends via music and its my whole life really.

Pip: and really people are quite inclusive we all give each other a hand or a suggestion or help each other out, you hear stories but you rarely hear of people getting fucked over

Ben: when I arrived in Melbourne I was walking down Sydney Rd one day and I heard this amazing psychedelic band and I went in and it was Trauma Boys who I didn’t know and I was blown away. I was talking to Jimmy the singer and I told him I play in a band and do similar stuff and I suggested maybe we can set up a gig and they did and that was my first gig in Melbourne so that’s an example of how friendly it is

Munster: Ben you’re from Sydney and spent time in Bangkok Pip your from Belfast and you’ve both traveled the world so do you think Melbourne has earned the live music capital of the world title?

Pip: pretty much coming from Belfast which in the 60s bands like Them played there and had a bigger audience than they did in their home city. There was the reassurance with Good Vibrations in the late 70s, since then it’s been hit and miss. And here usually when a venues closes another one pops up and that’s a great thing. A lot of what it comes down to is RRR and PBS they give bands such a hand up for me PBS has been amazing every time I do something there all over it and you don’t get that everywhere and because of the population size people will hear it. And with Trouble is our Business LP we got reviewed in Via La Rock its like fuck how did that happen. Whether it’s a zine or public radio it’s a really good healthy thing to have.

Ben: and the DJs from those stations they’ll DJ at gigs so everyone’s involved. Melbourne has an amazing amount of amazing bands every time I go to a gig I discover a new band. And international bands want to come here

Pip: I lived in Perth for three years before I came here and it was all let’s get to Melbourne. And here I meet people from New Zeeland who also said that lets get to Melbourne.  It seems every week someone is getting off a bus or plane saying lets get toe Melbourne. There’s two ways to look at it one way it makes it very competitive, but the other side is it keeps  healthy its always moving things happening as long as there enough slices of the cake we can have we’re all happy people.

Ben: and its all healthy competition makes some bands lift their game like every time you see another great band appears it makes the other bands try harder and makes everyone better

Pip: I’ve learned you can’t rest on your morals, there’s so many new bands coming up if you have 9 months off its hard to get back into where you were before. Unless your something quite special. People just forget and you can be instantly replaced. But in a positive way that’s a good thing as makes you wanna keep playing

Ben: compared to Bangkok for example if you played a gig, here people would tell you if your shit or they wouldn’t come.

Pip: if you’re having fun people get that. We’re not reinventing the wheel and I don’t want to. It’s the Billy Childish mentality authenticity over originality, I’d rather do something authentic, this is what’s inside my head coming out as long as you’re doing it for the fun factor you can’t lose.

Ben: as long as you put your heart and soul and having fun there’s no such thing as a shit band

Munster: Pip you mentioned before you grew up in Belfast, growing up in the 70s how did you find punk and other counter culture?

Pip: Belfast when I grew up was a fairly shut down city security barriers round the city closed at 11. When you went in you were searched and when you left it was one way you couldn’t get back in. that strangled all the city venues. So for me I lived round the corner from these guys, it was the first time I touched a guitar so I went round and hung out with these guys who turned into the Defects. My mum worked for a country label we used to drink bottles of cider and we all loved the Clash records, I mentioned my mum worked for a label and they asked me if they could release our album. My mum asked her boss, and he rang me and said get those guys to get in touch. He said here’s the deal I’ll make your record but you can’t say who I am or mention the label and that’s how they made their first single. Back in those days you didn’t get many choices, it was you did or you didn’t you took the avenues opened to you. My friend Brian Young from Good Vibrations, I was four years younger than them and I looked up to them as I had their record. I always brought records but it was unheard of to make your own record, so when these guys up the road were making their own record it was a massive inspiration. I couldn’t imagine what someone who played guitar looked like. I was terrified because I didn’t know what to say. When I was 18 we met over a Johnny Thunders LP and that’s how we met. It was the whole if you like this you’ll like that. Belfast was nothing like here. Underground gigs where in Scout Halls and Warehouses there was no pubs. It really was underground. I wasn’t playing in those days and am lucky to have missed that. The whole Good Vibrations things these days I’m lucky to say I know those people.

Ben: so it was total DIY?

Pip: Absolutely. I had a mate and he said until he went to England he had never seen a Gibson or a Fender because you couldn’t afford it no one had money it was all Japanese guitars which today are probably a bit of money, but at they time they had zero value.

Munster: What’s up Next?

Pip: hopefully some more recording

Ben: we have an LPs work of material, we want to do vinyl next time, whether a LP EP or single hopefully a LP, and just play as much as possible.

Munster: Favouirte Fall LP please.

Pip: Frenz Experiment

Ben: gonna cheat and say 50,000 Fall Fans. I read Mark E Smiths book and it’s a cracker.

Pip: that’s another thing about musical culture changing from the point of view we’re running out of characters the Mark E Smiths, up front fuck you I don’t care what you think

Ben: well there still there but there not gonna be on the cover of the NME it’s a shame you don’t get that in masse culture that was a standard of the 80s. I remember in that book he goes on for five pages how much he hates Australia but his favourite show was Neighbours

Pip: well that guy I mentioned who never seen a Fender and Gibson he supported the Fall in Belfast and a fist fight happened on stage. He sacked the band and said fuck off the gigs not happening.

Trouble is our Business now out on Off the Hip Records


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Round 22 v Crows

Now. The Pies are going for a threepeat against the Crows. Despite winning the last two they were hardly inspiring wins and while finals is guaranteed we aint been in form you want to ave in August for the run home. But it/s been an open season with no team being the dominate force all season, and going into September its an open race. So today and next week we/ll see if we/re contenders or if we/re just making up the numbers. Anything can happen. Speaking of anything can happen im finally gonna watch a whole game at the Balaclava for the first time in three rounds, whats gonna happen with the table set ups? Will someone do it or will we be all over the shop? One way to find out………

My first stop off of the day is the St Kilda Bowlo to watch the second half of the Saints Blues game, great second half and a hell of a finish, both teams, Saints in particular will be pushing for finals next season. Chairman Frank and Kim are here, always got time for them, as well as Geezer who/s got a rough day ahead with staying up for the Ashes and the Tigers game at 1:10PM the next day.

 GG enters for the last few moments of the clash, I plan on skipping the last few minutes to get a tram to the Balaclava but was such a tight game im watching the end of this bout.

I wait til the end of the game to leave the Bowlo as I board a 16 to get to the Bala. On the way the CEO Pete calls me informing me he will be there late. I tell him to leave the table set up to me as GG will also be late. Jackie also buzzed me asking me to take care of the tables. Such reasonability but im up for it

As I walk town I bump into Tarquin, im calling that an omen. I walk in to see we/ve already kicked a goal. No one is here and some prick is sitting in our spot watching the end of the Cats Lions game, for fuck sake does he know who we are? Anyway I get a beer land in a booth as I find the Pies game 7 minutes in and settle in. Fred shows up immediately as we hold camp in the booth for the time being. As Fred comes back with a beer we/re up 7-1 as Roughead lines up for a goal and we/re excited but his shot is marked on the line. We see Tex Walker and his ugly mo, Jono Brown says don/t expect him to kick five goals a game. What a forward kicking goals in a game? Don/t be ridiculous. Crisp to Krebs Roughead again this time misses up by 7. Free to the Crows Shag is on the screen Tex marks on crows 50 Nobel stops the push. Fred says his dad had mates that where Nobel and Langdon and both play for the Pies. Nobel has a kick which Fred calls a Nobel Kick. I say I was a teenage Nobel kick. Crows again push forward Trav in the square stops two crows. Huddo claims at least he got boot to ball. Well Huddo its called football for a reason. The Cats Lions game ends and the bloke leaves as I jump up and change the channel to the Pies game as me and Fred put three tables together. Owen enters saying maybe he should go for the Crows for balance. We say yeah, nah. Why anyone would cheer for a team they don/t support boggles my mind. Billy has a shot me and Fred get up and dance 14-3. Tex Walker has a go, me and Fred give him a chewy on ya boot. It works Onya Rose. Krebs to Nobel kick is smothered good second effort from Nobel Levi handball is punched away Shag is there Levi kicks to Krebs who kicks to the crows. Mark 35 out Huddo says this bloke is not a bloke you want aving a shot. Well why is he on the park then? Terrible kick which Fred calls a cunt of a kick which takes me to smoko.

Quarter Times

Pies 14

Crows 5

Eddie Betts kicks to Darce 40 out falls short Crows mark in the square but Howe given a free for push. Haha. Kicks to the Samurai, Dunstall says re that push in back free kick, don/t give a free kick fine him later in the week. Tex should be fined for that Mo. Adams Nobel SHAG Trav Dole Cheque Billy has a run leads to throw in, Shag stops Eddie weaving his magic Razor Ray pays a free, finally I get to say it again, Fuck Off Razor. I miss saying that. Kick to Speedboy straight to Crow crows kick to Samurai Scharenberg with the Lot to Screwdriver Son of Rowdy no mark from Roughead Shag kick to Rowdy leads to a throw in. Samurai to Adams whose hit Sidie to Adams Brownlow Speedboy, who Huddo says he seized the mark. I guess you gotta say he took the mark in a different manner. Butches the kick up by 13. Pete enters we all hi 5, Owen wants in but nah, just for the Pies. Bernie Two Legs also enters aving been at the Saints game. Shag to Krebs from 50 gonna fall short bounces in, bloke chasing it but too late what a kick 21-6 what a way to kick your first goal of the season. We then cut to the center to see Raza policing the area. Brownlow to Sidie Billy hit 40 out Wills is holding his own hits crows not paid for holding. Dunstall says its fun watching Sidie. I cam imagine him going yay and blowing party poppers everytime Sidie grabs the ball. Dole Cheque intercepts the ball must be an ad break. Shag to the Hyphen Sidie Wills Crisp Matrix had a shot just miss/s up by 16. We see Don Pyke the ground, possibly going home. Madgen stops Tex marking crows play kick to kick for what seems like three minutes lands with Wills all that for nothing not even a forward entry. Shag gives away a deliberate, and again Fuck Off Razor. Which leads to the Crows kicking their first goal which leads to Bucks banging the table for the first time today. Pete says GG has lost his tables award, its an open field for awards night Trav 15 out what a snap of the ball 28-12. Pete comments on the callers saying there using bigger words so they/ll get a jersey for the finals. Howe marks Matrix Sidie Madgen lead to out on the full. Speedboy to Shag Dole Cheque marks with little pressure Huddo says the Crows are under siege, name dropping shit Steven Seagal movies now, well you got fuck all to say on footy gotta talk something. Bernie shows how the Saints fans to their cha cha chas, and we kick a goal forgot to write who kicked it, but I wrote what a goal 35-12. Crows goal as we go 50 once more leads to nothing as Fred gets Nicky Del Ray on his stereo for the half time smoko.

Half Time

Pies 35

Crows 18

Special comments from Mark Ricciuto: if Pies score heavily they/ll win. The noggin working overtime there. Also crows need to move the ball fast. But what if they move it fast but kick to the Pies? Mark has no answer. Wills starts good finds Brownlow Billy Nobel Dole Cheque just gets boot to ball. Just misses. Adams straightaway has a shot 40 on the boundary brilliant 42-18. Samurai to Billy in 8 seconds great diving mark as we dance again 48-18 No GG yet so I rate that 12 out of 10. Fred says that dancing was worthy of the Tony Bartuccio dancers of Don Lane Show fame. He did ave a nice coffee table on that show the Lanester  And again Billy goes bang 54-18 Jono Brown says 666 over again which makes me sing Iron Maiden. And Billy again, I say no way and it is no way as he misses 25 from the boundary. Mark Ricciuto says we/re both playing for percentage. Well there are two teams playing so yes we are both playing for percentage, he aint wrong. Bucks is eyeing finals as now Dole Cheque Smoothers crows kick Wills to Brownlow Billy held as Huddo says they knew it coming. Yes Huddo those Crows blokes had no idea what that ball coming down was all about, it took em a few goes to figure it out. Madgen does a great pin for holding yet no free again Fuck off Razor. Crows ave a shot which Huddo calls a clever kick. It/s a point you fucking idiot. Eddie weaves some magic as he keeps the ball in but is knocked out eventually. Billy to the Hyphen 35 out great kick 61-19 Pete asks Hyphen before or after the cha cha chas.. I say after. I rate that 11 Straightaway Trav from 15 out, 67-19. Crows get a point, im just waiting for the callers to call it crucial, thankfully they aint that stoopid. Screwdriver to Billy kick to Trav marks centre meter perfect, seriously an amazing short kick right on the chest amazing. stuff Unfortunately Travs kick is disappointing and misses. But Trav redeems himself with a kick to Screwdriver a brilliant one handed mark and great kick 74-20 Huddo says the Pies aint finished yet. I should hope not theres still a quarter and five minutes to go. Scharenberg with the lot has a kick, again leads to a discussion with what should be on a burger with the lot. Fred says tomato sauce, Pete BBQ sauce, me Mayo. GG enters as we miss Howes mark of the year contender. Brownlow after the sirens kick falls short. Bernie is doing his own Cha Cha Chas which GG tells him to stop.

3 quarter time

Pies 74

Crows 26

Finally we see some Eddie Magic with a sharp soccer right on the goal line. Not his best but some fine work from the master. As I ask the question is that my beer? Theres a fresh beer in front of me. Is it mine? Samurai to Billy as we get a fourth dance in 80-32. Billy straight to the Shag as we are informed theres no chef. Billy gets his fifth as theres no doubt hes back, with Pamela out hes the X factor we desperately need 86-32. GG gives us a 7 for the hi 5s and dance. Crows shot is punched in the square. GG tells the manager with no chef we/d be happy to cook corn beef for the place. Manager says they still make that? Oh he needs to talk to the other manager about that reference. He loves us, Ol Corn Beef Man. Crows get a point which Huddo calls a magnificent point, at least he didn/t call it crucial. Wills to Rowdy Hyphen runs seven metres bang 92-33. Crows get two goals as Huddo says late joy for the crows. Yeah they/ll be dancing in the street over that, then he goes back to percentage. Billy goes for goal number six leads to nothing. Dunstall makes the statement the big boys play in September. Well they are grown men over the age of 18 I suppose they are big boys. Trav misses as we mention its Daisy Thomas last game today. Premiership Player for the Pies of Course, but in my mind i/ll always remember him as a Bagger. I just remember before he left he did the whole yeah I wanna stay but we goota nut out the contract blah blah blah. Then he also claimed he needed money in his pocket, yes because he would ave made no money playing seven years of footy, how much money you need? Anyway I never liked him, and him going to Carlton gave me a reason to dislike him. We all comment hes retiring so he can play kick to kick with Mick, hey both ave a lot of time from now on. Screwdriver goals as Pete is busy looking at Bernies phone 100-48. And then the moment I almost blew my load big time. THE SHAG HAS A SHOT, but falls well short. Sigh, next time. Samurai to Brownlow Speedboy 45 out gets his 3rd 112-48. Bernie walks in from the bar and says another goal? You cunts are greedy. And then it happens again SHAG HAS A SHOT as he marks 40 out to close the game im screaming me Fred and Pete are all on our feet this will be the greatest moment on modern football history of he lands this. Misses, GG says he sucked the air out of the room as we end the game on a sad note


PIES 114


Solid result after a slow start. Our best performance after the bye. My Dingley Correspondent Tim (who turns out is in Oakley) texted saying where the fuck was this the last few weeks?. The last few weeks only a handful of blokes played a decent game, wheres here I thought 90% of the fellas of the field put in a great performance.  Wills has been a great attrition, a real bastard which we need. And Roughead was great playing forward filling in for Cox which is a vital spot and Roughy has held his own. With Pamela the Gooster and Moore coming back it will add the x factor we need from Pamela and Gooie while Moore is the rock bookend we desperately need up back. We made finals and top 4 is still a possibility, things are looking alright. As mentioned it/s very open this year. Heres my prediction…….


Lets hope the season ends with a bang with the Dons on Friday. They/ve been up and down but they always bring it for us, so im expecting the unexpected. And given its Friday night we gotta get Fred from Johnnys to the Bala by 7:50, which is always interesting to see if the Molls will finish up at 7:30. I told everyone we needed that training camp at the bye, instead we watched the Number 96 movie, and im still trying to figure what the fuck happened in that movie. But thats for another rant.

Thats all for now, see yous at the Balaclava on Friday


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