Munsters Best of 2018 List

Best team: Collingwood

Best fags: Rothmans, Choice, Pall Mall

Best Beer: VB, Melbourne, Young Henrys

Best barmen: Mad Rad, Lachlan, George (Balaclava) Jules, Sean, Mel (Misery Guts), Mark, Karine (Surabaya Johnnys), Tristan (Dogs), Wade (Lyrebird)

Best Landlord: Gavan and Sonia (Dogs) Suzi (Espy) Leon (Lyrebird), Linda (Balaclava)

Best Pubs: Balaclava, Misery Guts, Dogs, Lyrebird, Surabaya Johnnys, Kent Street, Old Bar, Tote

Best Albums: Penny Ikenger-Tokyo. Jack Howard-Lightheavyweight. NQR-The Garden. Grindhouse- Can I build Your Commodore. Beat Taboo-Beat Taboo. Dumb – Seeing Green, Blue Orchids- Righteous Harmony Fist. Papa Lord God- The Sheik of Downfall Creek

Best gigs: Brian Hooper Benefit (POW) Grindhouse LP launch (Tote), Off the Hip Instore with Dino Bravo, River of Snakes, Bloody Rascals and NQR, Stiff Richards (Misery Guts), Off the Hip Instore with Mannequin Death Squad, Bits of Hell and the Hybernators. Hybernators and the Interceptors (Lyrebird), Senior No (Vineyard). Jack Howards Epic Brass (Memo), Kim Volkman and the Whisky Presets (Vineyard), Kid Congo Powers and Dave Graney (Caravan), Wreckless Eric (Northcote Social Club) Large Number 12s (Lyrebird, Dogs)

Best Record shop: Off the Hip, Strange World, Greville St, Poison City, Heartland, Polyester, Music Jungle

Best Team: Collingwood (GO PIES sorry had to say it twice)

Best Commentators: Joe Rogan, Matt Gremlin

Best CEO: Pete

Best Gate: Penogate, REMgate, toothpickgate

Best photographer: Charlie Barker, Campbell Manderson, Zoe Damage, Carbie, Fred Negro

Best Radio Show: On the Blower, Sunglasses After Dark, Junkyard.

Best TV Show: Hard Quiz, Mad as Hell.

Best Film: Can you Ever Forgive me? Death of Stalin

Best website: frednegro.com.au

Musnters Person of the Year: Nathan Buckley

Munsters Life time achievement award (this is awarded to someone who has annoyed me and others): To the neighbors who wanted to put in a buzzer for me to beep when I go outside and smoke so they can shut the window, despite the fact that the area i smoke in is at least 15 meters from there window, and they live a whole level above me and also for stealing my ciggie bin. For Shame.

And to Tanya George, one of the many terrible buskers on Bourke Street, who cried and moaned after a group of protesters staged a protest regarding Aboriginal Deaths in custody. She had the nerve to make a video saying im all for this but not when it ruins my tips. See kids, Aboriginal people are still getting a raw deal but god forbid we interrupt the busker. Priorities people.

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Penny Ikinger

If there is such a thing as Rock Goddess Penny Ikinger is possibly the close to the title. Everything in her style is rock n roll. From the music, the fashion, the attitude and work ethic. Pennys latest LP Tokyo, released on Off the Hip records, is eleven ripping rock/powerpop tracks, featuring Oz music royalty Deniz Tek and Japanese musicians Masami Kawaguchi, Keiichi Sakai and Louise Inage. Recorded in Japan and Australia it is possibly Munsters favourite LP for 2018. Me and Penny met at the Dogs on a shit Saturday arvo to natter Wet Taxis, Japan and museums.

Munster: You were born and raised Melbourne but had two periods living in Sydney, did you play in a band in Melbourne before heading to Sydney?

Penny: the first band I played in was in Sydney, that was Wet Taxis, I played rhythm guitar in that band. I actually rehearsed with a band in Melbourne but we never did a gig. Mick Harveys brother Sebastian Harvey was the singer. I can/t even remember what the band was called but we never played.

Munster: how did you meet Louis Tillett?

Penny: Sydney Uni. I went up to study archaeology and Louis was studying ancient history, and archaeology as well. I think he came third in the state in ancient history. And he was this weird looking guy that used to hang round the corridors in the shadows, so we would ave met via something to do with ancient history.

Munster: Lets talk Wet Taxis, you weren/t an original member?

Penny: No. Wet Taxis went through a few stages. When they first started they played what was called industrial noise, and thats what we would call experimental musical today. Other bands like Severed Heads, and Tom Ellard had a label Terse Tapes and they released some early Wet Taxis stuff. They originally played this industrial noise which was very out there, loud aggressive stuff. Simon our guitarist would use Lego motors and things to play the guitar, or record someone vomiting and then sample it into the music, again this predated what we know as sampling now. They also recorded someone crying and sampled that, they probably would ave recorded someone shitting of they could. So they pretty much would ave cleared the rooms with that style of music. Louis/s Sister Nina was trying to help them and said that her brother played in a band and they were looking for a gig, and they said what kind of music, she said Light cocktail jazz (laughs). But round this time Wet Taxies started making a change from that style, to playing 60s psychedelic rock covers, 13th Floor Elevators and the stuff from the Nuggets LPs that kind of music. So Wet Taxis started playing that style at the Britana Hotel and they used to pack it out and they had a residency there for years. Even though they didn/t play cocktail jazz (laughs). Peter Watts left the band and then I joined.

Munster: Where you behind the change in direction music wise of Wet Taxis?

Penny: No they had changed before I joined. Peter had been playing that 60s psychedelic punk before i came in, I don/t think i was a big influence on that sound. Louis and Simon Knuckey the lead guitarist were the biggest influences. Then Simon and Tim who are brothers left, they were from Dunedin, and then they left and Jason Cain and Rodney Howard joined, and thats when Louis started writing original songs. So the band went through three phases. The industrial, the 60s psychedelic, and we still did some 60s covers but Louis started writing. Then the band split round 1987 and Louis went solo and I played guitar in his solo band.

Munster: When did you return to Melbourne?

Penny: around 1991

Munster: is that when you went solo?

Penny: no I still didn/t sing I just played guitar I came back to study again, and I was with Charlie Owen then so he came down too. I played in a band called Red Dress with Cathy Green. She was the drummer and songwriter in that band. I also played with Sacred Cowboys for a while. I didn/t start singing till round the year 2000. So I joined Wet Taxis in 1983, so ive been playing for a long time before I started singing.

Munster: when you started singing was it solo or with a band?

Penny: Thats when I went solo.

Munster: You/d been playing for a long time before you went up front, where you comfortable singing at first?

Penny: it was really difficult I never really wanted to sing or write my own songs. But what happened was these bands I just mentioned, as a musician you/re always relying on other people to get the ball rolling. I realized that it was a reality that if I was going to continue playing music I needed to take the reins in my own hand because the band I was in would go ok for a while and then they would break up, so I knew I was just gonna ave to sing thats the only way I can ave control. And I didn/t think I could sing, im still not sure. But I figured singing is the hardest thing if I can do that the rest will be easy. My first gig was in Sydney supporting Louis and Charlie Owen.

Munster: do you identity more with Melbourne or Sydney?

Penny: Both, when we were in Sydney we thought Sydney rock was better than anything in Melbourne, Melbourne was a bit arty for us. Mind you Wet Taxis doing industrial was pretty arty. And in those days, now musicians play in lots of different bands, back then there was more a football team mentality about what you did. If you played in one band that was it you didn/t moonlight with another band. Now you do all the time otherwise you/re going to survive. Back then you stuck with your band. Back to whether I identity with Melbourne or Sydney I think the Melbourne aesthetic has influenced me, because something about what you grow up listening too, and I would see bands in Melbourne before I moved up to Sydney, bands like Boys Next Door. I don/t know which one I identify with. When I came back to Melbourne I came back to study, I really didn/t want to come back. But round the same time the Sydney scene dried up so a lot of Sydney musicians moved to Melbourne. When I was in Sydney I was a Sydney musician and coming back to Melbourne I thought of myself as a Melbourne musician

 

 (photo by Gaku Torii)

Munster: You mentioned when you were in Sydney you thought Sydney rock was better than Melbourne, was there some snobbery from Melbourne musos in regard to Sydney too?

Penny: Yup, but we thought they were arty poofs so why would we care what they think? (laughs) Melbourne audiences where more hoity toity and used to a particular sounds, influenced by the Birthday Party, wheres Sydney wasn/t as interested in that. We were more into happy rock.

Munster: Your new LP Tokyo, how was that recorded, did you do your parts and the Japanese musicians do their parts in Japan and then add it together?

Penny: No I went to Tokyo to record the LP with there with the Japanese musicians. It was a big project for me to do. The first time I went to Japan was in 2008. The promotor put together a band called the white shadows and they were a great band. We played one gig and the drummer and bass player where the ones that came down recently. Then I went the second time 2010 and played with Louis the bass player and different drummer Keiichi and Masami on guitar played guitar. The second time Deniz Tek also came. I got a grant from the Australia Japan foundation to record the LP. Deniz cound/t come so he recorded his parts in Australia but everything else was recorded in Tokyo, I did my vocals and mixed here at Hot House in Acland Street. I wrote the songs with Deniz and I wanted that to be part of the project for me I wanted to write with Deniz. We wrote the songs at his place in Kiama which is near Wollongong.

Munster: The first time you went were you invited or did you just decided to go?

Penny: No I decided I wanted to go so I went on my own. I didn/t know anyone in Japan id never been there before. It took me a while to find the right people to help, and I found them through a lady called Sue Rynski. Shes a photographer. She lives in Paris, she lived in Detroit round the era of MC5 and the Stooges, so shes Deniz Teks era. She had an expo in Tokyo so she had a lot of good connections. She hooked me up with a promotor, Gaku Torii who agreed to book me shows. If it wasn/t for him the whole album wouldn/t ave come about so was very lucky. He was the first music journalist to bring punk to Japan through his writing, through his reviews and articles in the late 70s/early 80s. Hed be flown round the world to interview Bowie and Iggy Pop, so hes a very well known journalist in Japan. He published a book bout punk rock from American and England, he did very well from his writing. He was an important figure in Japan, because they love punk rock, they play it really well they get it and they understand it.

Munster: A lot of Australian bands when they tour overseas they usually head to Europe, what was it bout Japan that made you wanna go there?

Penny: I was interested in the culture and also I love travel and a challenge. I like doing difficult things I don/t like doing easy things I get bored. To me that was a bloody hard thing to do. I knew no one didn/t speck the language had no idea where I was what I was doing, I found that attractive. And I had no idea how incredible the music was. I know some Japanese bands tour Australia but compared to how many bands there are over there its all just phenomenal. I went to see what was going on, was like a mission. I went the first time on my own, the second time I got a grant from the Australian Japan Foundation, I got two grants in the end to go there. The first grant, I was at work and a friend of one of the curators at work, Julia Murray, she put an ad on my desk for the Australian Japanese Foundation.  I got the grant went back took Deniz, then I applied for another one and also got it. It was very competitive as both times 300 people applied and only ten got grants. So its great they support rock n roll. Masami has played here a few times so its opened doors both sides they didn/t exists before.

Munster: in the booklet you mention one of the reasons you love Japan was the mixture of the old and new culture and how day and night are so different. It seems over there they really value there past and would never knock down old buildings like they would here, is that a fair call?

Penny: they seem to be but I don/t know all the ins and outs. I went to this great exhibition when I was there last time at the Mori art museum, that was on architecture in Japan and they talked about the building techniques of the old architecture and the shrines then they talked about how that aesthetic design, seems the Japanese ave has influences there modern architecture as well. They do ave modern buildings but the places I was staying was not the glitzy areas, I was staying the arty areas. Thats what I saw there, tiny alley ways with lanterns and old houses with bars. That area in Flinders Lane with laneways within laneway its kind of like that. Then you go into areas like the big business district, there you see the big buildings and neon lights. Its like two different places within the one place.

Munster: would you call this lp a love letter to Tokyo?

Penny: not a love letter but it seemed the best title. When I wrote the songs I had Japan in mind. The song Tsunami thats Japanese for Silver Bell, that’ a meeting place, thats where I met the Japanese musicians. Thats the rondevu point because I had to meet them at that particular spot. And it was recorded there so Tokyo seemed the most appropriate title.

Munster: when did you first meet Deniz Tek?

Penny: I knew Rob Younger, he produced the first Wet Taxis song Sailor Dream the first original song Louis wrote, my partner at the time Charlie Owen was playing in New Christs, so I knew Rob well. Before I released Electra i did a four track demo at Yikesville which was run by Shane O’Mara. Chrissy Amphlett came in to the studio, I played them to Chrissy and she said I think you can improve your singing, and I agree it wasn/t that good. So she was like the vocal producer. I did the the demos gave a copy to Deniz and he really liked it. He had his record company in America, Career, put the LP out. Deniz today is a close friend but wasn/t at the time, he just really liked the music.

Munster: He doesn/t seem like a person would say yes to everything he is offered so must be a big thrill getting him to work with you.

Penny: and write the songs with me. Im lucky he likes my music. Hopefully we/ll do some more writing together.

Munster: Salmon was an instrumental project put together by Kim Salmon which featured a whose who of legendary Oz indie acts, what was it like working on that project?

Penny: that was fun that was done quickly. That was a whole different musical experience. It was like playing in an orchestra so he worked out everything in his head and he teached us the parts. Although you/d think something with six guitarists and one drummer would be wild and crazy but really its was quite tight because you couldn/t do what you wanted you had a part, so was like an orchestra.

Munster: That must ave been a thrill him picking you for your guitar playing style.

Penny: I hope so but we played what we were told. And Kim wasn/t playing guitar. He was conductor and playing samples on a keyboard, hed sample his voice saying something like a wooo, then hed press the keyboard and mime so he wasn/t even singing. So was kind of performance art. When that LP, I think was at Sound Park and then a  live record, I think in Sydney when we played with the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, came out on Bang. Was a pretty brave thing to do, I don/t know if Salmon will play again I doubt it. I don/t know if the audience got it but Kims good at re-inventing himself and doing things people don/t expect, we did Mudhoney and Jon Spencer supports because they all worship Kim.

Munster: do you prefer playing solo or band?

Penny: I like both. And I play with different bands. I ave a band in Melbourne, a band in Sydney with Deniz and Jim Thompson and John Fenton. I ave the Tokyo band and a band in Paris and in America I played with another band Donavans Brain. And all the bands are completely different to each other. Donavans Brain has two guitarists as well as myself, in Japan theres Masami and Deniz and me. Sometimes I play with one guitarists sometimes two sometimes I play as a three piece. The French band has Dimi Dero and Vince from the Wholly Curse. They all play the same songs yet they all sound completely different and sound nothing like the record. Why sound like a record when you already got it.

Munster: on a personal note, you work at the Melbourne Museum as a curator?

Penny: collection manager. I work with all the indigenous objects that aren/t aboriginal. So thats objects from the pacific, Asia, Americas and Africa. Its a really interesting job and i meet a lot of interesting people. I think im interested in different cultures and different ways of thinking bout the world, thats why I work there and most of my music has been outside of Australia. So this thing bout travel im interested in different places different cultures and im interested in this sort of universality of rock n roll, how you can travel to different places and find people playing that ave a love of a similar style of music. Like a secret club round the world, with people like us that like certain music. Because we aren/t sitting in the mainstream. But its universal. Say Masami has a huge knowledge of music and listens to all kinds of music but he loves that garage punk think that I come from that influence of playing in Wet Taxis, it influence my aesthetic in music, it influenced my guitar playing and songwriting.

Munster: Whats next?

 

Penny: im doing an improvised performance at the state library with Ollie Olsen just the two of us no idea what we/re going to play. i/ll be doing more gigs promoting the LP but that won/t be till early next year. And im thinking next year going to Europe, playing France and Spain, im in the process of trying to work that out. Because I do all the business but I ave people round the world helping me out. Id love to write some more with Deniz. All this stuff Matt is so much work, I don/t think people realize how much work it is. And when you make these LPs you don/t walk out rich from it. And then you gotta find the money do the next one and get back on the horse. I put so much work into this Japan project and bringing the Japanese musicians to Australia im just thinking whats the best thing for me to do next. I recorded two songs with the Japanese musicians while they were here i/ll be releasing that as a seven inch single but I don/t know when. And I like things not to cut in stone right now, im going to see whats going to happen with the album and that will help direct me what I do next. If I get interest in a certain area then its a good idea to tour there so that will determine what I do.

 

Munster: do you ave a favorite Fall lp?

 

Penny: no but I did see them when they toured years ago. I thought they were great but I don/t think I ave any of their LPs but I know there music from listening to their albums at other peoples houses.

Tokyo out now via Off the Hip Records.

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Grand Final v Eagles (part 1)

 

My notes are covered with beer so this could be messy and this could make no sense. Like every other rant.

 

Oh boy. The pies are in the grand final. I thought it would be a while until I got to say those words. Don/t know how we did it but we/re here. I said last week I was gonna need heroin to get through the week but turns out a few beers a 100,000 fags did the job. Sunday before the game I saw me great mate Theresa, a proud Tigers fan who was very humble in defeat. She hugged me and told me to enjoy the week. I don/t know if theres such a thing as too much fun but this week was it. Monday night book club at the Balaclava was one for the books, me and Fred along with GG discussing the prelim and the week to come. GG takes a punt on the Samurai to win the Brownlow and Sidie to place. He picked up the coin for Sidie. Stifflers Dad Gil is the worst Brownlow reader ever. I want Wayne Jackson back. Gil and his brother Hamish look like rejects from Monty Pythons Upper Class Twit of the Year sketch. This bloke is all PR nd business he couldn/t give a fuck bout the fans. Against my better judgement I watched open mike where the guest was Joffa. Seriously YouTube it. He had a brutal upbringing and its amazing hes here in one piece. And his passionate plea at the end bout grand final tickets sums up why people like him represent the fans and dickheads like Gil and Hamish will never be one of us. And Roaming Bruce is even worse than Roaming Brian. Poor Tom, felt so bad when Bruce was all over him after he won. Sure Tom was thinking was winning the top award and a lifetime of free beers worth this? Oh and Cuntface at the Balaclava, the bloke that has no redeeming features sure copped plenty of GO PIES and HOWS THAT BACK TO BACK GOING? Hey, you should be humble in victory but when you/re a cunt to several mates of mine ill piss on the floor and rub you/re your face in it. I think screaming GO PIES at him is the verbal version of my piss on his stoopid face.

 

Thursday night me and Captain of the Collingwood Wheelchair Footy Team Richard went to the taping of the grand final Front Bar. Never seen a full episode before. Was great seeing Santo Cilauro and being meters away from Tony Shaw and also booing Stifflers Dad as well as Stevie J. Alistair Clarkson was pretty funny, and was the only one I saw drink his beer. I kept looking at Mick Molloys beer to see how much he drank. He drank like 10% of his schooner and then someone grabbed it and filled it up during the break. Mick off air tells us a joke involving an Andy Maher sex tape. Ill stop there to prevent you throwing up in your beer. He also told Eddie to go fuck himself off air. Also great to see Titus OReilly.

 

Went to Dingley on Friday but stopped off and paid respect to Bob Rose, our clubs greatest on field servant and most famous member of Collingwoods first family. The idea came to be from my dear friend Nick Haines paying tribute to a North Adelaide icon the night before the Rosters won the SANFL flag the week before. Me and dad watch the parade, and the MC says we need a song to get us in the mood. Me and dad groan in unison as we know that means Mike Brady. And what do you know hes had a whole year and he still aint written a new song? Lazy bastard. We watch the second half of the tigers game, god the commentary is shit. The new guy (I gather hes going to be awful as they all fucking are) interviews Mason Coxs parents, new guy calls Bruce the Bob Costas of Australia. Aving watched a fair bit of American sports, I can tell Bruce is no Bob Costas. Costas is actually good, doens/t make a goose of himself and makes comments that actually mean something. What an insult to Bob. We cap off the week with the Large Number 12s and DJ Brett at Dogs Bar. Brett also a mad tigers fan tells me hes kinda relieved not to be playing as he can just enjoy the game.

 

Anyway game day. A gate keeps me locked in my backyard and am stuck for five minutes. gate gate. I walk down to the Balaclava which GG had the amazing foresight to book the room five weeks out. I watch the last five minutes of the Club to get in the spirit of the day.

 

Walk in for our version the Norm Melbourne breakfast to see GG and. Rose welcome and kick off the day. She cant stay but she provides us with chewing gum. Her chewy on the boot has been outstanding this year, so she/ll be with us in spirit. AND THE LIGHT IS ALREADY OUT AND GG ENDS THE SEASON WITH GLASSES. Party pies are coming but not little boys. For all the publicity I give the pub and its clients like Mad Matty youd think theyd give us the little boys.

We see Fox has got people from the teams being interviewed, they got the big guns, Jonathan Brown. The man who can/t put two words together. what is the process of being a commentator? He aint much to look at and he cant talk, English anyway. Someone like Chris Dawes, a lawyer who can actually string a meaningful sentence isn/t a commentator. People like Lingy and Richo probably figured if people heard his comments they realized people would know they bring nothing to the table.

Theres two and a half hours to kill. Im pounding down the darts.

 

1pm Jason comes down from Castlemaine, along with Sam the birthday girl. Keith is seconds behind them. A different Keith, a local at the Balaclava is also here. He asks how I feel, I said im nervous. He tells me it would be wrong if I wasn/t. I give them the bad news that Fergie is not in the Black Eye Peas. Port Melbourne legend James walks past and asks how the breakfast is going. I tell him the landlord was concerned that we wouldn/t draw a crowd. I tell him we already got twenty and more to come. 1:30 Fred and Viv enter, and when I got out for what seems like fag number 70 of the arvo  I see Amy and Ruby, as Jo and Chrisi enter. Amy and Ruby are on their way to the Inkerman, great to see them as always. Horse walks past said hes watching the first half at his house. Gordon Mark and Casey all join us. Thirty minutes to the bounce we see for the first time this season, and way too long, Jackie the heart and soul of our Collingwood table, with John and his mate also here. Rob W is on the way, so we ave everyone here. And Lana joins us, very blessed to know her, and the best I know Tez is here with the Shag card we gave him. We/re only missing one person, the CEO. He walks in to a standing ovation and takes the CEO Booth at the back of the room. Simon and Jane are here and Martin wearing a Spooky Records shirt. Also our legal Team, Brad and Yvonne with Brads aunt (sorry forgot her name) who will be playing the lone Eagles fan in the room. Its packed to capacity. Leroy pokes the bear sending me something bout nice banner dickhead, no idea what shes on bout. Im still shitting bricks. They say please rise for the national anthem and I do for smoko. Tez is excited as Mr Football Waz enters.

 

We ave all the shittest blokes assembled in the commentary box. Bruce, BT, Richo and Lingy and Wayne Carey. Thank god for Daisy Pearce. As Chrisi says hope Daisy is away from Carey so he doesn/t comment on her tits. I miss the first minutes as JFK marks and kicks. The Sack was no match for him. NO HE MISSES. Sorry my notes said he goal since I was sure he was gonna kick proper but he missed. Shite free sees Eagles go forward but Langdon intercepts. Off to cox but he cant mark. Hope Cox plays like last week and not rest of the season. BT is already annoying all of us. Lingy says Cox needs to lower expectations of his game today. Would anyone cry if we never heard of Lingy again.  Screwdriver kicks to the boundary for a throw in. Trav to Matrix tackled but back to Trav BANG we/re off 6-1. Richo says something Bruce says good call Richo. Absolute wankers, its a good thing they got each other because I cant see anyone wanting to be mates with these people. Anyone who wants to call Carey a mate is someone I don/t wanna know. Cox goes down as hes scratching his eyes after an eye attack. Amazingly no free, cunt act by eagles and upms.  Meanwhile the Shag is everywhere, Tez is clutching the luck Shag card kicks to Sidie but eagles intercept the shit kick, Shag marks again, Richo tells us 70 marks will win the game. In the last quarter he then tells stats are useless. Do seven actually listen to him? Eagles go 50 JFK cant hold the mark, throw in. Once again JFK cant hold, Screwdriver passes to the Gooster Matrix is grabbed but holds it tight, Greenwood scraps the ball handballs to Stephenson sharp snap OUTSTANDING KICK 12-1. People at the table say was lucky kick. No, he meant that. With so many people all over the place the hi 5s and cha cha chas are sloppy to start. Darling pinned Howe free, Cox cant hold the mark, hope I don/t ave to keep writing that. Brownlow given a free passes to Stephenson, takes two on one and hes going for a threepeat 18-1. After the bounce Eagles go their 50 as Bruce says they need a goal. Do people feel sorry for him? Is that why hes been in a job for so long?  Ball throw in Adams to Crisp to an Eagle Shag tackles, off to Stephenson Langdon, hes held but nothing comes of it. Eagle to Dole Cheque to the Hyphen Thomas to the Gooster hes being held but pushes through, what a goal. 24-1. BT Shows off his maths skills by saying the Eagles are practically four goals down. BT its 3 goals and five points. Bruce for all his flaws as a shit caller seems like a nice guy. BT seems like the sort of guy that everyone would leave the table after he brought us a round. Peter Helliar is next to Eddie. How the fuck did he get that much pull? In that case we should get a fucking box. Shag gets a free we all cheer, Fred screams Norm Smith. BT says the Eagles need to pass the ball by foot, because thats how the like it. Dole Cheque marks in the Eagles 50, loses it but we get it back via a throw.  Eagles ave a kick, Bruce calls it a beautiful kick yet it misses. Hyphen to the shag Langdon Adams again the Hyphen marks. Cunt Eagle gives him an elbow to the head. No 50? Cunt act from both eagles and umpire again. Of course he kicks it. But again we freak re the order of the hi 5 and the hyphen, John says we had all year and we left it to the biggest game of the year to call this. GG gived our hi 5s a three. Shag goes forward , its been an outstanding quarter so far. Eagles go 50 tackle the sack thrown in with two minutes to go. Eagles goal, but they go to the review. Its paid a goal even though I don/t know how you can tell from that angle they showed. Shit free for deliberate even though theres no way you can call that sees Eagles ball. Umps ave had some shocking calls if you dont mind me saying. Bernie Two Legs mentioned the next day an old world of sport segment where the umpires would ave to justify their calls. Need that back. And not the umpire department pimping there members saying theres no problem and there doing a great job when clearly there not .  Anyway after the goal BT says there back in business, clearly BTs brain went redundant a long time ago. Bruce says Pies cant concede another one. No wonder I sniff glue. Anyway its time for a fag.

 

Quarter Time

Collingwood 31

Eagles 14

 

Thomas off to Matrix Shag holds it up, throw up on the 50 line, Krebbs grabs and runs it over for another stalemate. Someone kicks Bruce says squizy kick whatever the fuck that means. The Eagles bloke with my last name goes off. JFK cant hold the mark the Shag is in career best form, lays another brilliant tackle, for today hes worth every cent. . Sidie passes to Howe nothing kick throw in, Eagles player hurt as we get to hear from Dr Richo. I love it how he thinks he has a brain and trys to play doctor. Adams to Brownlow enters the 50, but Fucking Cox cant mark, Stephenson pinned over the line. Aish marks just outta the 50, AGAIN, Cox cant hold the ball when he puts his two hands up. Throw up. Bruce says the Eagles are playing comfortable, despite being three goals down. Do people hear what we hear? Who demands this man be kept in a job? I know all I do is rant and moan and call people cunts, but surely thats more insightful and accurate then they need the next goal? Sigh. Anyway back to the coverage. Im a fucking wreck, I need a fag. Or crack, whatevers available. Gordon rubs my shoulder instead. He has a nice touch.  Cunt free against Cox because weak as piss, its just cause his size that was paid. Dole cheque to the Shag, Cox still waiting for that first mark. Adams trips to Dole Eagles intercept but Eagles to Howe to Cox, sigh, he fucking…….i cant write it you know what he does, or doesn/t do. Samurai to Brownlow handball to Matrix, back to Samurai to Sier Crisp, cant find anyone, as its past the half way mark and no one has scored this quarter. IM CALLING IT. ANYONES GAME. Pete kindly reminds me thats why I get the big bucks. Eagles go 50 , Langdon marks, passes to Brownlow, but pinned, Stephenson marks gives it to the Hyphen off to the Gooster 45 out on an angle first goal of the quarter 38-15. Eagles straightaway get a too easy goal to which BT claims was one they needed. Royal Cunt Julie Bishop is on the TV. Gotta say in a room with so many different supporters of different clubs, seeing that awful women was the one thing that brought us together. She copped a great booing. To a nicer person it couldn/t ave been given to. Shag tries to take mark of the year but cant hold as Bruce claims its a 50-50 game. Max Gawn is  on the TV again with the fucking Google ads. Hey google whats the shittest prelim performance ever? Anyway a few things happen but nothing on the board. I need a fag. Or a new lung

 

Half Time

Collingwood 39

Eagles 27

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, thats part one of Munsters Grand Final Rant. Do the Pies get up? At what point does my notes get covered with beer? and by who? and when does Bernie Carpet enter? Seriously when did he enter? know he was there for the second half. And who does fred want me to get on the shoehorn to murder so there out of action for the second half? And will Mad Matty do a run in?

 

All this and more when Munsters footy rant returns for part two, whenever i can be asked.

 

GO PIES

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Qualifying final vs Eagles

 

 

FINALS. Feels good to say that. After a few years in the wilderness we made it to September. I like this feeling, hope it happens every year. After a season that has had its ups and downs and proving what we are worth, and us fighting to get a table every week and getting a TV with sound, here we are at the Balaclava for the Eagles game. And with a double chance. Which means two more rants at least. Good for me but bad for you. The Eagles will be a tough game, but with Brownlow, Howe and my boy the Sack all in where in with a fighting chance.

 

I walk into the Balaclava to watch the second act of the Swans Giants game with Fred and GG (with Glasses) and Pete later on and we got the fucking table. We go out the back for smoko with Pete not taking any chances taking the remote with him. We dicuss possibly the biggest Gate yet, but I think that needs a separate rant. And a sit down interview with the Butcher.

 

After an ace ten dollar T Bone we again saddle into the seats getting ready for the game. Unfortunately we ave to witness the horror of that fucking Bounce show. Danny Frawley is dressed as Colonel Sanders for some reason. We than cut to a montage of all the outfits Spud has been in cross the years. Hes been dressed as a women, a lizard and everything else. Jason Dunstall please your better than this. Danny Frawley not so much. Hes an annoying flog that gives awful insight when he commentates and if it wasn/t for him dressing up in stoopid outfits the only job in showbiz he would be qualified to do is being the bloke fired out of a cannon at the circus. Please be gone with him. We than cut to the pre match panel, Gary Lyon Jonathan Brown and Nick Riewoldt while Seven has JB Richo and Darce. So they got there shittest blokes from their respective networks for this game. Well played guys. Flea of Liquor Snatch and Ghostbitches fame is the new face in hell joining us. I always ave time for her. I take a piss before the game and the guy next to me says good shoot. Is that an omen? We/ll see. We cut to that fucking national anthem and we see the Eagles team first, Pete calls biased, I agree. Pete goes for a fag but opens to door so I can scream if the Sack has a flop or not. No flop but nice beard.

 

JB tells us the place is packed. He tells us if you want to know what the mood of the stadium is like, go rent Gladiator. As Pete points out is the crowd CGIed? Will Richo drink himself to death and they/ll ave to CGI the rest of his comments for the rest of the game like they did with Oliver Reed on the set of Gladiator? Mind you with Richo that would be better actually. In terms of the mood wouldn/t it be like the last time they played but with a finals vibe? Mind you this crowd gave a standing ovation to a bloke that pretty much committed grievous bodily harm so they pretty much would call for blood. Shag gets a touch, gets another but results in a free due to out on the full. Eagles go 50 but what a tackle from Matrix, that man is all class and fuck you again Mike Sheahan for saying he aint a A grade player. Mid you Mike was never an A grand jurno so it doesn/t matter what he thinks. Samurai to Sidie to Dole Cheque 35 out and we minor for first blood. Eagles kick in which results in a throw in Crisp to Screwdriver mark to the Eagles. JB says there is no wind which upsets me as I watched Richo to bang on bout the Fremantle Doctor, that thing Tony Greig always mentioned. GG says Go Saints. Yeah better luck next year mate. Crisp is pinned throw up. Sack gets the ball out just before he is gone Darce says LeCras is dangerous but he misses. Darce says dangerous all the time, weird as he never was dangerous in his career on field. Free to Trav out of the 50 Sack intercepts a mark off to Screwdriver Samurai to Sier Shag soccers to Dole Cheque but missed everything Eagles take up there end and miss but they score a goal straight away. Darce says that was a statement. What six points? God hes the shits. Shag give shit free, fuck the WA umps are on acid or something, they cant call a game the cunts. Thomas pinned 45 from Eagles goal as we see Bucks aint happy.   A Eagles bloke that has my surname Ryan, and that leads to Richo to talk bout the art of goal kicking and straight kicking. Something Richo made a career of not doing, a bloke that horrified Richmond fans every time he got near the ball.  Howe takes a mark of the year contender but kicks out on the full. JB says that was unnecessary risk as we laugh at that oxymoron, my namesake Ryan goals from a throw as it proves these umps are cunts. Darce says Pies need to score fast as I ask which network executive does he ave pictures of for him to be employed while that rocket scientists Richo says Eagles ave had a fast start? Three goals in fifteen minutes fuck off. We see the class of Matrix with  handball to Trav which results in a goal. Darce says you don/t need to go on bout his class. But he does anyway. 20-8. Eagles player goes off with suspected Hammy issue, Dr Richo is giving us his best analyses. Mate when I want an opinion on spitting the dummy or kicking out on the full i/ll come to you. Eagles go 50 as Samurai punches it over where down to 58 second. Which Darce calles crucial second, as if the rest weren/t. I want BT back

 

Quarter Time

Collingwood 9

Eagles 21

 

Eagles go forward but smoother by Sack. God we/ve missed him. Unfortunately kick from Howe to Darling, BUT FUCKS THE KICK UP Thomas to Dole Cheque 40 direct in front. Never in doubt. 22-15. Go forward straight away, really scrappy junkyard dog style footy here, but Brownlow does a dribble kick which ends up with Adams BANG 22-21 as Richo tells us the Eagles won/t like that. 50 straightaway again thanks to Sidie SHAG but no mark. That/s probably his chance for a goal gone. Sidie to Trav 50 to Cox cant mark neither can Aish as my boy the Hyphen has been very quiet tonight and the last few weeks for that matter. Brownlow to Shag but is given 50. We scream the roof ass he goals from the square. 27-22. I run to get a beer and am offered a raffle ticket. Why not. . Later in the evening when the pull the ticket from the beer jug FLEA WINS. Onya love.  Eagles 50 Sack keeps out of bounds Adams crumbs it Stephenson to the Gooster Trav SHAG but nothing. Sack spoils off Kennedy but they still goal. Straight up our end to the Gooster what a goal 33 -29. Eagles goal straight away as Flea says fuck off Eagles. But another quick answer from Dole Cheque  39-35. Straight up Eagles end but Greenwood smoothers it Sidie free but Aish cant mark Dole Cheque off to Trav but slips over Hyphen pinned throw in. Trav goes in the 50 with a out of bounds on the full but Eagles bloke does the same thing. Straight to Stephenson who gets a crucial point to take us within two. . Cox still cant mark but Stephenson says thank your mother for the rabbits as we take the lead into half time. Im loving the boos. Hey, you/ll boo a team for beating the shit blokes you support but yet you/ll give a standing ovation to a bloke who bealted a good kid. Your all cunts. And don/t give me that good bloke or good character shirt. Gaff is a Dickhead for life. Rant over back to the other rant

 

Half Time

Collingwood 46

Eagles 42

hey kids, here a Mark E Smith pic and quote that has nothing to do with this game.

 

Im pounding the darts at half time, I throw my butt in the bin and miss for the second time tonight. OMEN. Gerard Healey and David king ave some bullshit wild west backdrop thing as if its the movie show. Gerald Healey talks Adam Simpson, and steals our line of thats what he hears the big bucks for. We laugh. Richo also said more goals means more respect. Useless these people are. GG wants one of the callers to say one of our Balaclava nicknames. I want them to say Scharenberg with the lot and discuss what is in a Scharenberg with the lot. They better say runny egg. Gary Lyon tells us Eagles need to mark more. Sigh, why is he an expect? Cheating on your best mates wife i/ll give it hes an expert on that but not football . Two great tackles on Langdon but Brownlow misses. Kennedy misses. Owen enters and for some reason crouches between me and Pete. Fucking take a seat dude, and don/t talk bout a game two months ago when im focusing on this game. JB screams listen to the crowd but they/ve turned the crowd down so we can be drowned out but this fucking gasbag. GG gets his wish when Darce says Fresh Air. Thomas to Brownlow to Krebbs to Sidie as my boy the Hyphen marks as GG says which order but we got it all pat down. Doesn/t matter as he misses. Matrix to Gooster Greenwood all for nothing leads to stalemate. Sack intercepts again, what class he is off to Adams to Hyphen to Brownlow who scores crucial point. Sier to Adams Cox still is not marking Trav to Screwdriver to Hyphen but Darling beats him. Richo says he needs to kick goals. Free to Hyphen to Sidie high kick to Samurai throw in as Ryan hold but no mark Matrix to Dole Cheque to Admas 40 out. Pete says its a sure thing. The CEO is always right 55-48. JB says Eagles are hanging despite the fact its seven fucking points.  I run to the bar as the Eagles kick a point from a throw in Matrix points as well. Eagles goal but from a shit free again. What a run and hit from Trav prevents a goal as Darce says that was a big ball whatever that means. Crisp is tunneled and given a free. Dog of an act from these cunts. Fleas says hes got it. She of course is right. 62-53. Dole Cheque points Eagles go 50 Howe intercepts Brownlow kicks 50 Eagles mark as its smoko.

 

Collingwood 63

Eagles 53

Free to Adams but Cox is still not grabbing em as JB informs us Eagles must hit the scoreboard as this fucking annoying Eagles fan sits with his. Hes got a lot of nerve joining us and carrying like he does. He got the message soon and was very quiet for the rest of the game. Kennedy beats the Sack and goes for goal as Richo says there gonna need this for fuck sake. They do get it. JB says ouch. Well you know nothing bout football or broadcasting you better say something I guess. Flea very generously buys us a jug. Eagles fucking goal. Eddie isn/t happy. Hyphen saves another goal up 50 to Cox but hes still broken and not marking. Sack again takes care of Kennedy but he gets a shit free but misses. Thomas to Dole Cheque Sack goes 50 and the Shag soccers again. COX FINALLY MARKS but is nowhere in range for kicking a goal. Maynard G Krebbs passes to the Gooster  30 out drills it 69-67 as they call last drinks Flea very kindly gets another jug. Eagles go 50 and goal and its looking bad. They kick another goal and ive stopped writing.

 

Game over

Look up the score yourself

 

After the game me Flea buys us another jug and cry in our beers as we jump on the tram (no on touches on) to see Kim Volkman and the Whisky Priests for a top set. I get a tap on the shoulder and its one of my favourite people Billy Pommer Jr. Great bloke Bill. We head for Dogs after for a nightcap as the landlord Gavin says hope your didn/t cry too much

 

Hard to know what to make of it all. We played alright, guess was always gonna be a hard trip down west. Or east I don/t fucking know any geography.  The Sack was a massive in yet a lot of blokes went missing. My boy the hyphen has been quiet and blokes like Stephenson and Dole while did bits here and there didn/t ave great four quarter performances. And what the fuck happened to Cox. He did fuck all. The Giants aint gonna be easybeats, im hoping on the fact they cant win on the G on the big stage will be enough for us to get to the prelim. Anyway, onwoods and upwards, I hope. And please can we ave one week without a gate. Please. See yous Saturday at the Balaclava

GO PIES

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Dave Graney

Dave Graney is for me the best dressed man in Oz music and easily one of the five best front men to ever grace a microphone. His style, voice, attitude and fashion are complete one of too anyone else past or present, he’s a performer tailor made for 1920s American vaudeville. With long term partner Clare Moore Dave is still performing most weekends round the country and still continues to pump out original and interesting music never living off past glories.  Last year saw the release of his second autobiographical book Workshy: My life as a Bludge, a follow up to 2011s excellent 1001 Australian Nights

 

Munster: Workshy is your third book and second autobiographical book after 1001 Australian Nights, this one you talk about life as a working muso and the day jobs you had, what was the idea to base the book around that?

Dave: I thought I’d write about all the little jobs I had to have to be a musician, I thought that was a interesting approach to talk about being a musician, it was mainly thinking about work. We have this conservative government that’s always demonising people who are unemployed and Centrelink used to be a thing to help people, now it’s a thing to frustrate people, it’s not supposed to work, in the conservative view its meant to make them get off their arse and get a job, but there are also a lack of jobs around and soon people will have to have a universal base income. All these thoughts where going through my mind and people talk about the gig economy things like that but they never ask musicians, it’s as if they treat musos as silly dreamers and hostages set up to fail, and I started to think that musicians got to all these places before everyone else, like we have no union we’re totally isolated from each other we’re totally competing against each other all the time, we’re very expendable there’s always another one coming along, and if we don’t succeed in someone else’s terms we’re failures and all that sort of stuff, its always someone else’s terms what a success is and the best musicians  operate to their own levels of what a success is. But they never ask musicians about that, what it’s like, what is a gig economy? But the strength musicians have, is they might go through times where to all intense and purposing there doing something else like working a job in an expensive city. They’ll always be musicians and that makes them stronger as people. It’s what they want to do and what they want to do is what they think they are, so I wanted to write about that sort of thing it’s called my life as a bludge just as a fuck you to those conservative types, I really hate them and I hope they get there arse kicked pretty soon in Australia at least. It was pretty fun thinking of all the dumb jobs I’ve had and how terrible I was working in an office and dealing with people. People asking me what I did and wanting to know, this is then 80s, people wanting to know about you, eventually I had to say yeah I’m in a band, then you had to go through this interrogation which band do you play in I’ve never heard of you, people go through it all the time and I thought it would be funny to talk about. And at the time it seemed like musicians where treated more seriously. So it wasn’t something that anyone just did and it was quite shocking if you said what you were doing, and also the reaction that you are a fucking wanker was much stronger and who the fuck do you think you are, so that was interesting to me. And finally I wanted to write about making my own work and what it was like. Our old bass player Adele Pickvance, her uncle once said why don’t you just write a pop song and have a song on the radio and have a hit, why don’t you do that. And it sounds really simple and it is, and it should be that simple. The music business at its best is that kind of place that it’s silly and simple, and rock music really can be played by anyone some songs sound fucking great, if someone’s been playing for two weeks like Roadrunner by the Modern Lovers. You know they sound great if it’s by people that can make some dynamics, but it can be played very easily. I was thinking of all this and I came from a scene where you had to write your own material, your own story, and I thought that’s what you had to do and if you didn’t you’re a phony. Then I had a moment working in an actually music business and it was more full of people in the 90s than it was by the end of the 90s, many record shops and labels with lots of people working for them talking to each other going out to those shops talking to booking agency’s heaps of people talking, and the internet got rid of all that. It gave freedom in other ways technology wise but it took away most of the business

Munster: Melbourne has proud reputation as a great live music scene but very few musicians I know actually make a living from music, do you think that’s a disgrace?

Dave: I don’t think it’s a disgrace, our old friend Conway Savage used to always say it’s never been easy why do people think its easy to be a musicians. And if you want to do your own thing its going to be harder. And it depends on how you want to live. Most people’s idea of a successful musician is someone who has a hit and retires. People who think why is Bob Dylan still touring? Why is Madonna still making music? Its like annoying in a way. It turns back to who the fuck do they think you are? So it’s an endless kind of challenge to the performer. In some ways that’s interesting. Other places are harder than Melbourne, Sydney or Brisbane, I think Melbourne has a very strong music culture. Often the voices you hear are in moments of despair and anguish and there full of joyousness but when you’re happy you really express it. But all that talk of Melbourne being in the best music city’s is often club owners, cheerleaders of alcohol business who love top trumpet that kind of stuff, it’s not perfect but it’s quite good.

Munster: you mentioned before there is no union for musicians…

Dave: there is an old one but it’s more a guild and it’s more for sympathy orchestra people.

Munster: in terms of union or government assistance is anyone overseas doing something we can copy?

Dave: I think there might be one in France where if they play a certain number of shows a year they can qualify for something like the dole, just a base income, as long as they can prove they have been an active musician and they have some history. That would be really good in Workshy I mentioned how easy it was to be on the dole in the late 70s. I left school and had a few factory jobs, but I just didn’t want to work but I saw that as my right. It was half wanting to party, partying was also part of learning to write and play songs just be in a music world, it was quite unrealistic I didn’t learn guitar till I was 18, so I saw the dole as an arts grant. And no one denied people the dole or anything you didn’t need to prove you were looking for work all you had to do was send the fortnightly paperwork you could even mail it from a different city. It was a different county back then and I wanted to write about that. People admired, if you got an easy ride, it’s a deeply Australian thing I think, if someone has a easy job or a stroke of luck fucking good on em (laughs)

Munster: you mentioned in the book you had a few office jobs and it sounds like you were actually really good at it.

Dave: Too good, I tried to avoid all the questioning about who I was and what I did outside of work by just disappearing in the work, just being unavailable and being invisible, but doing the work too well I became more annoying (laughs)

Munster: is there anything you miss about the 9-5 world?

Dave: of course the regular money I haven’t had that in years. I quite enjoy some of the simple pleasures people might find a bit boring, like on a spring day early morning getting a coffee in the city. The way people talk with each other, up until the early 90s I was doing data entry work, and a lot of musicians and actors where drifting in and out of that role. It was like dumb work that didn’t require much, I love that kind of work where my mind can wonder and I had a job I didn’t need to focus and could also write songs while I was there. And I was getting paid as well, I had a think I would always pay for rehearsals and everyone got paid in my band. Me and Clare Moore had that kind of way that’s how you have a band, you weren’t asking people for favours all the time, everyone always got paid, might not be much but was a regular thing.

Munster: the work you just described sounds like my work, I don’t need to work hard and can do my own thing like this interview right now, I’m meant to be counting letters now.

Dave (laughs) It was funny I met Wreckless Eric the other day and he famously had a job as a lemonade tester and I knew about it and for years I just imagined him sitting in a room sipping lemonade but he was describing it to me as 15,000 bottles just rattling around. He had to test the chemicals and the pressure if the gas and sounded like too much pressure. I do like hearing about musicians and what their day jobs are. Henry Rollins famously worked in an ice cream store, one of my favourite musicians Vic Godard from the Subway Sect worked in a post office which I think he still does. Jah Wobble drove a tube train Rod Stewart was a gravedigger.

Munster: Captain Sensible cleaned toilets in a theatre that Ray Scabies was a usher in.

Dave: (laughs) that’s the kind of thing that makes you think nothing can be worse.

Munster: you mentioned the title my life as a bludge is a fuck you to the conservatives but also for me an oxymoron as you and Clare Moore always busy.

Dave: I think if you’re a musician, if you work out a way to operate to be flexible or something, some people make all these barriers, the sound to be perfect or the audience to be quiet. There all good things but it’s never going to that always.  If they refuse to play unless those situations are there that’s a right for their own back. But performing music is very enjoyable so I’m very sceptical sometimes about whether it work at all. Its work, like lifting gear but there’s some groups who seem quite conceptual. Like they don’t actually perform, its seems to me, what are the Eddy Current Suppression Ring? What do they do? (laughs). There one best live act in Melbourne in a year when they did no performance. What is that? (laughs). there lucky to be in that band. I have friends that had a band that would only meet on the internet once a year at 5am on some chatroom of ebay or something. But I’m told lots of people like em so good on em.

Munster: You’ve presented Banana Lounge Broadcasting on RRR for a few years now, you mentioned in Workshy you wonder if that’s actually work. How much prep goes into the show?

Dave: On the Morning of the show or just before the show. I’m lucky I work with really good people on the panel, Andrew Delany he’s really great the station gives me a lot of leeway, it’s very spontaneous.

Munster: In your two books you mentioned all the books and authors that influenced you, in Workshy you had a list that went for a few pages of all the books you read in London in the 70s, one of the last books mentioned was Elvis: What Happened? Tell us about that book.

Dave: I used to read lots of books about Elvis and lots of them came out, he had his entourage of Memphis buddies, I think that was by Sonny West, Elvis just sat around with buddies he had from Memphis lots of which he knew since he was a teenager and they were all on his payroll just to sit around with him. And they were real insiders, it must ave been one of those books, and they were all trying to cash in at the end. He had another girlfriend after Priscila and she wrote a book too. I find Elvis as a person always very interesting, people see him as a comical figure but he was fucking amazing and most of his music except for the film stuff is brilliant. And he had that funny manager that never let him tour outside of American, he never played Europe. His manager wasn’t an American citizen and was frightened he wouldn’t let back in if he went overseas.

Munster: for me, Elvis never wrote any of his own songs and he had great people round him so I don’t know if I’d call him a genius but I love that voice and you could tell he gave it his all and was very passionate about every song he sang.

Dave: I think that era of people interoperating songs was really great, we have a friend Margret Roadknight who’s a folk jazz singer, she’s in her 70s now and she’s never written any songs she interprets songs of other people it’s really great. Buddy Holly and the Beatles brought that in that an artist writes their own songs and it’s not always the best. Other people did that, the Who with Townsend writing and Daltrey singing, and Radio Birdman with Tek. Elvis was interesting too because when people would demo there songs people would impersonate him to try and get him to do their songs. His fame was, I don’t know like Charlie Caplan just unpalatable just how big he was.

Munster: you got into details of your days playing junior footy in Mt Gambier, and was told by a mate you were actually a pretty good player.

Dave: (laughs) that’s probably just some bullshit I told someone. Everyone was good when there a kid really it’s a fun game just before that age when people have growth spurts. I don’t know how much fun it would be now. Our old guitarist in the Coral Snakes Rob Heyward his son was, well he is a young footballer, and elite clubs can start to look at the you players then the investigate the parents background as well to see what they’re getting into.

Munster: last time I interviewed you I mentioned a few times you’re not an RSL Act, but that I mean if you were on the radio and they said Daves gonna sing a song I would have no idea what it is because you’re not someone who lives on the back catalogue, wheres if it was Daryl Braithwaite  he’s pretty much singing Horses and that’s it, I loved in Workshy the story where a guy approached you and asked if you were “going to sing that song of yours” and he got his mate to confront you, what’s your take on that, you do Some old stuff in your set when you play live but you seem like someone that wants to focus on the newer material.

Dave: I kinda think about that. Comparable people who trust them of what they stand for and what they wanna deliver I have a few songs people associate with me Rock n Roll is where I hide is that particular song, but it’s this six seven minute song and its more musical dynamic as much as the lyrics, I can do it solo on an acoustic guitar but took me a long time to master. I have a few like Feeling Kinda Sporty or Your Just too Hip Baby there all from that era. After that there’s My Sticky weights a ton. I wrote about that in 1001 Australia nights where I come out at the grand final and sing that and make everybody cry for being a turd for ruining the situation. I’d like to be like that but I fucked up along the way somewhere.

Munster: You and Clare Moore recently were part of the 16 Lovers Way gig at the art centre where you played the songs off that particular Go Betweens LP. In 1001 Australian Nighst you referred to Robert and Grant as funny but not in a haha way, I loved that LP and the backstory behind it, what did that LP mean to you?

Dave: well I was pretty unfamiliar with that LP I didn’t know any of the songs I just picked a few that I knew and remembered from there live shows. One of them Dive for your memory was from that LP and another was Twin Rays of lightning was from another LP, then they asked me to do another one. Was great I really enjoyed it. Like a lot of people from that period I saw them more live, I was more close to them and saw than live as opposed to listening to their records.  The Triffids are the same I like them, both of them there LPs are touched by 80s production and I find them hard to listen to but the same songs when they played them live they were great, they were both great humans.

Munster: in a 1001 Australian Night you dropped the word Jobber which I was excited about, are you a wrestling fan?

Dave: Jobber?

Munster: you know the wrestling term?

Dave: didn’t know

Munster: in wrestling it meant job guy and was a guy that would only be on TV and would always lose just to put over the stars.

Dave: hmm not sure what the context I used it in. Did you like the movie They Live with Rowdy Roddy Piper?

Munster: love it.

Dave: what kind of wrestler was he was he a jobber?

Munster: no not at all he was a star.

Dave: (laughs) don’t know much about that.

Munster: I interviewed  Penny Ikinger recently and asked her about her contribution to the Salmon LP, and asked her about Kim asking her to play and she mentioned how all the parts were written for all the performers, what was that like, as opposed to show us what you got it was here’s what your playing?

Dave: I loved it, it was funny, Kim getting everyone together, everyone really liked it, Kim got everyone together and he insisted on everyone using small amps and all this and we all got together and learned it. It was a bit like a sporting team we all had roles me and Penny where kind of the rhythm section. Ash Naylor and Anton where like the flash forwards doing the twiddle stuff. Was fun, Kim was often late as he had to put his kids to bed. It was like Stockholm syndrome when someone is held captive by someone, Matt Walker came in at the end and we were flabbergasted when he said “hey Kim how bout I do it like this”, where like oh god. But everyone was on board and intrigued by the idea and willing to go where Kim wanted to go.

Munster: do you think you have another book in you?

Dave: it would be good to have three memoirs in the series but not sure how I would go about it (laughs).

Munster: Mark E Smith in his book mentioned every few months he would try and write a song that can be entered  for England in Eurovision but said he couldn’t do it as writing a hit song was a skill he didn’t have. Writing songs is obviously a skill but is writing hit songs a whole different skill?

Dave: I don’t know, who knows? It’s tough. I don’t know that world, I don’t know how hits come about anymore. It used to be lots of radio play but I don’t know if that happens anymore. It used to be a world of people with quite specific ideas which is pop in a way, now it’s about niche marketing and people desperately writing songs for formats. Working at RRR I get CDs from artists and always the first few tracks, and I only really listen to Australian music, they all have their JJJ songs and there all horrible, you need to let the CDs go for a while and by track 5 or 6 the artist has relax and doing what they actually do, the ones where there trying to have a hit are horrible. But having said that I have a lot of vinyl and I love people trying to have hits people selling out I find that very interesting. Like when disco was big, everyone went disco, all these people America, the Grateful Dead, Barbra Streisand, the Rolling Stones, KISS they all just went disco, Roy Orbison tried to have disco hits and some of the results were pretty amazing. People worry about selling out and all those conceptual ideas, I think it’s great when people bust out of there little niche good on em (laughs)

Munster: what’s up next?

Dave: Just mixing a mistLY album I want to put out two albums next year, we’re going to do a mistLY album and an album just me and Clare that’s more kind of less drums and bass a more different approach to the songs, might be quieter or just guitar chords, or guitar and keys. The mistLY lp is done just mixing it. There’s a few seven minute tracks, really sprolling type groves, there’s some great songs and different version as well, I wanted to record different takes, not doing a perfect version jut different takes, about four or five will have alternative versions. The other album will be weirder in different ways.

Munster: to finish on, as mentioned I loved reading your books and reading the books and authors that inspired you, so what have you been reading this year that you recommend?

Dave: the Australian author Jane Lawson did a great book called Out of the Wreck this year which I enjoyed, it’s about a shipwreck in South east South Australia, it has a ghostly presence, some kind of animal spirit that survives like a ghost. Otherwise been reading Doris Lessing and Ralph Ellison a 40s black author read his book the Invisible Man and a book of his short stories, and I’m trying to get through all the novels of James Joyce that should keep me bust for the next six months (laughs)

Workshy out now via Affirm Press

 

http://www.davegraney.com/david/David.htm

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Grand Final vs Eagles part 2

Now. Part one of the story ended with our heroes 12 points up at the main break. After a fresh air break that was like circle work with the amount of times we had to pass it to the left hand side I find my seat and brace myself for what is to come. I thought a Suns player won the grand final sprint but turns out was someone from a different club. Damn, the sprint is pretty much the only silverware the Sun are ever gonna win. They truly are fucked. The Gold Coast aint suffered this much since the days of that cunt Sir Joh, who I look forward to pissing on when I get to hell.  Im a fucking nervous wreck, I wish I did get heroin. As the bounce is bout to start Fred tells me to get on to the shoehorn to crush kill destroy McGovern. Game starts JFK marks 40 out. Fucking goal six point game.  Adams smoothers the kick from the square Samurai scoops it kicks high ball to the Shag handballs to Langdon kicks to the Screwdriver, Eagles coming, runs it over for a throw. Adams held free to Samurai AGAIN COX CANT MARK Trav manages to grab the pill kick to Dole Cheque who tries Cox again and gives us another drop mark. He needs to lift this quarter. Eagles to Dole Cheque, he tries Cox again. FINALLY YES.  30 out, I love that American Pie. 45-33. HI 5 time, we raise our hands high in the air for the big American. GG gives our effort a 4 outta 10. Ball ends in the Eagles end Langdon fucks up the mark, probably the only mistake hes made all day, but he still gets the ball and kicks in the back of Coxs head, Dole Cheque somehow ends up with the ball high ball, Langdon stands tall but the Eagles are too string , they fucking get six points. Straightaway Samurai wins the tap to Brownlow handballs to the Gooster Adams feeds the goal 51-39. Eagles ave a shot we get the chewy on the boot rose has trusted us with and it proves good as they miss. Cox still cant mark passes off to Krebbs the Shag is giving brilliant pressure as Ryan is held. Brownlow kicks to Eagles bloke, kicks to a contest, Cox punches to Sier kicks to a contest too which leads to a throw in, as we see Scott Morrison on the box, much like Julie Bishop he gets a right royal booing from the two pubs at the Balaclava. Hmm while both got an awful reception, Julie got the worse. Doesn/t matter, there both cunts. Shag gets to ball from a hit out kicks to eagles bloke, who kicks out and payed deliberate to us. Fred says there is a god. Free to the Hyphen Sidie takes two on one Thomas to the Gooster misses 52-40. Tez says next goal is important.  Im just waiting for BT to say the Eagles need the next two goals. Aww he doesn/t. Darling marks goal back to six points. Shag to Aish Dole Cheque cant hold Eagles pick up misses five point game. Cox to Trav Eagles intercept, Bruce says the Eagles are coming. They always where coming Bruce. Seriously, just retire. Please go away. Eagles kick to other Eagles, Adams pushes, and the runner gets in the way. Adams is livid. Now people ave called this a crucial point in the game and a what if? Look, there was a big distance between Adams and the Eagles bloke, it looked like he had little chance of actually getting the ball. And with a quarter to go lets not dwell on this. Anyway they score pies down by two. Round this time Nat McGuane spills beer on my notes, and given it was two weeks ago im not even gonna try and remember what happed. My notes say scores leveled at three quarter time so ill go with that. The beer on my notes was my beer, Nat said shed buy me a new one. She never did. And our great mate Bernie Two legs enters

 

Three quarter time

 

Collingwood Eagles 55 apiece.

 

That smoko was the longest five minutes of my life. Not sure I want to go back in. Outstanding start Dole Cheque to the Gooster bang five point lead. NOW THIS IS WHERE MY NOTES FAIL ME. Eagles point, Goosters ducks eagles post Langdon Samurai Cox. Not sure what happened I just wrote those names down in order. Darling is held Eagles mark 50 out Shag marks on the square. Dole Cheque pinned but gets it out Samurai is also held Krebbs passes to Cox marks 40 out Its a low kick looks shit but somehow goals 73-62. Sier is held Ryan passes to JFK , HES ON A TIGHT ANGLE NAILES IT BACK TO FIVE POINTS, AS Julie Bishop gets another royal whack. Cox beaten in the 50 Eagles mark leads to a throw in. Richo says marks aint everything. Again like Bruce just retire. BT says people don/t know which way its going this game. I think its his clever way of saying its anyones game. Darling drops the mark right in front of goal leads to a rush. My notes let me down, in summary Eagles chip away with points and kicks to Collingwood players, but every kick we had in the Eagles 50 for ten minutes we just kicked to the Eagles, we can by a fucking target. Adams has the ball in out 50 with minutes to go but the kick is smothered. Eagles take ball up, Krebbs charges but Ryan gets in the way with a Shepard. Goal. And ill leave the game at that.

 

With two minutes to go I know we aint gonna win I just wanna get the fuck out and smoke. But I figure be a good sport and watch the game out. I do, Fred and Jackie make the deflated balloons noise. I walk out. Some mutual fans offer me condolences on the walk out the door I nod and be polite but really I just want to be alone. Brad lovely aunt, the lone Eagles fan is near the door. Shes happy as she should be, I offer my congratulations. She tells me she has had a wonderful day and thanks us all for making it happen. While im gutted its nice to hear words like that. Win or loss we always come together and ave a laugh and beer after the game. Its why I love this game you can bear your heart n soul scream and lay abuse at the telly but at the end, W or L life goes on and mates are always there. Thats something that lasts longer than a Saturday arvo game of footy.

 

Me Pete and Gordon ave our heads down while aving a dart. Some stoopid man tells us we need a Rioli. I say yeah good onya and he quickly walks away. Pete tells us thats why he earns no bucks. After the game GG kindly offers a beer, while I throw the water ballons I was planning on throwing after the game on the bar which I offer to Sarah who looks at me if ive gone mad. While we didn/t get the result I ave loved this day. Brad comes over for a hug and tells me we played well and was one of those games one team was lucky the other was unlucky. Again I talk with his aunt, such a beautiful soul, very blessed to meet her. The Randtsa and Dave walk in for a quick beer then its off to Johnnys for the Hanks for a ripping night. As I walk home I hug Fred and he tells me hes seen so many 12 Grand finals losses two draws and two wins, today will make the next win even better. Bernie Two Legs possibly gave us the best compliment ever, saying we brought Collingwood to St Kilda.

 

The next day me and the two Bernies over many red bottle of wine dissect the game and look forward to next season

 

But on Saturday night walking home, as I walk down Tennyson Street  I see some guy in a suit. We look at each other. I don/t trust this guy. He crosses the road to my side, I want to avoid him so I cross to his side. We meet halfway on the road. He says the magic words. Want some fresh air? This man is not someone I should ave crossed the road to avoid. Hes been to the game and we Annelyse what went right and wrong. Basically everything I wrote above in a five minute walk. He tells me if I know the Blue Lagoon. Its a house on Tennyson which is the living quarters of Azz and Bray, two lovely fellas who are always out the front of the place and ave always welcomed me in for a beer. Me and my new friend enter. As we greet our hosts they ask the beer question I say thanks but im just saying hello. They offer me a traveler. How can I say no? I neck the beer and leave it on a wobbly set of bricks. As I walk away and hear the Corona bottle smash on the concrete, a simple jester of beer and air, one from mates and another from a stranger, shows all that is good in the world and humanity can be alright when it wants to be, and despite the result I was surrounded by the best mates a miserably nihilist like me can ave. these people, all good souls that look after their mates and even make me see there is good in the world. Im very blessed to ave spent the day with these people, couldn/t ave asked for a better crew to kill an arvo sinking piss and watching footy. They give me a lot of joy hope I give em some too. Even the Ransta after his Anti Collingwood smack talk on the facecrock during the week was nice seeing him.

 

We didn/t get the result, the Eagles where just too good, but to come from nowhere and make the final and get so close, with every bloke giving it all, they did me proud. And I saw a lot of anti Collingwood shit on the facebook after the game, but mostly from people who wheren/t even Eagles fans, just jealous cunts who wished they could go for us. Well done to the Eagles you played a great game, but despite the result i/ll look back on this as one of the best days had.

 

Onya to GG for booking the room, cheers to Gav for cooking the party pies, jeers for not cooking the little boys.

 

I ave more to rant on and more to mention, but it/ll ave to wait for the end of season rant. And since it is end of seaon, it/ll come, when im asked, or when the Balaclava acknowledge its Petes birthday.

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Prelim Final v Richmond

Jeez, don/t mean to sound like a broken record but never thought the Pies would make it this far.  After a top performance against the Giants we face the reigning champs. They/ve already knocked us off twice this year but held our own for three quarters both times. This time we ave in my mind our best 22 on the field, and the Sack has been in outstanding form in September after missing the year. While we did go three quarters last two times I believe its a different team with new attitude and outlook. As our CEO Pete has said all season we just want to see our best team on the field against the Tigers for four quarters. Win loss or draw whatever, we/ll just see where we are at. We got our best so hopefully we can bring it. Speaking of the best, im hoping for the best crew tonight at the Balaclava,  with Linda already aving reserved tables for us in the bistro. I cant remember a game I was more excited and nervous bout, if anything im dying to get to the siren. Its a good thing the bar in the bistro is open but its shit craft beer. I need to walk into the public bar for a Vic, I cant work as a qualified football reporter under these circumstances. Wonder if Hunter S Thompson went through this pain when he started as a sports reporter. Wonder if he had to deal with low sound and light bulbs being too bright?

 

After doing my prerecorded segment for Southern FMs Up the Bracket with Terina and Helen of Los Dominados, I run to Middle Brighton station to get the train to the Balaclava. Its fucking late and the lady on the speaker gives us the riot act on the smoking laws. I.e. you cant smoke anywhere within 100 meters of a train or some shit law like that. Cunts. To add insult to injury she ends the announcement by saying go tigers. Finally a train comes and GG greats me hello, as is Bernie Terry Lana Pete, and me dear mate Jo, returned from here overseas trip. Theres a deadshit who drinks at the Bala who when walking into the Public Bar screams go Tigers when hes in the safety of the other room. His name doesn/t deserved to be named, not because hes a Tigers fan because he is a right royal cunt who fucked with mates of mine, again his name don/t deserved to be mentioned, so Cuntface i/ll call him from now on. GG informs me Cuntface told our host Linda that she should put tissues on the table for us after the game. Oh I so want to win. Just to spite this evil dick. This bloke also had the nerve to call his trivia team Back to back the other week. He won thanks to Google. As a mental hurt (Not my words, keep reading to see which other flog came up with that) me and GG called our team the next week the Dust Busters, in reference to the Sun front page on Wednesday. Anyway back to back, minus cuntface went down, so im hoping to finish the week with two wins and shut him up.

 

Im at the table with a few minutes to go talking to Lana jo Bernie and Terry. I needed em as im a fucking wreck and need calm as Gordon enters. Five minutes to the bounce no sigh of our fearless leader Fred. GG says fag break. Im like ive already had one to get me through to quarter time, he gives me a look that says dude. Hes right. Smoko five minutes before the game. I could smoke for the Olympics im that nervous. With two minutes to go walking down the street i see Horsie, and his owner, Fred. We got the full team tonight. We skip the national anthem for a fag. Hey we/re standing. And with dickheads like Latham Jones and Hanson bullying a schoolchild for not standing for the anthem even more reason to skip it. Fags in the bin we enter for the bounce. On the bounce GG takes out a light bulb which gets the biggest ovation of the night. Stephenson goes 50 but Hyphen cant mark. Tigers take it straight there end to Jack who missed. Good. Screwdriver to Gooster off to Krebbs but comes back due to cunt free against the Gooster. Greenwood marks in the 50, off to the Sack, Hyphen, Langdon to Brownlow, intercept but Tigers pinned for something as Rose enters with Krebbs rushing for a tigers minor. Cox marks Trav kicks in Thomas/ direction to the Gooster 35 on an angle beautiful drop of the ball sees us off and running. 6-3. Re start Adams beautiful tap to Cox who taps to Dole Cheque 40 out, unlucky. 7-3. Rioli runs down Dole as Bruce asks that great man Duck Carey something to which Duck says the tigers love the ball in there 50. Awful man awful caller. Seriously why is a dickhead that has shown no remorce on tv. But hey, great player. Cunt. I call it. ANYONES GAME. The Sack towels up Riewoldt Sier scoops the loose ball off the Hyphen, Langdon lucky to ave not been pinned enters the 50 but Dole Cheque is still being held, Shag comes in handball to Trav BANG. 13-3. WITH ME Jo Fred Pete and Gordon do our hi 5 and cha cha its ghard work. Bernie end GG always aving to move their heads and beers. We cut top a live cross from Margret Court Arena seeing all these pies fans there. As Tez mentions why not be there at the ground or at a pub. I find those live sites very strange, as Col joins us. Also  one of my favourite people the Mickster enters. Hes got a gig at the Lyrebird with the Fiction also with great Pies man Rob. Micks a Tigers man so hes in enemy, but friendly territory tonight. Jack has a shoot, as Bruce keeps banging on to the left to the left as if thats good as he misses. He is a goose. More enter, with Port Melbourne legend James, Margo and Brad. Im glad to see them all as Brad kisses me on the head. I ask of that was the kiss of death but he said he was just happy to see me. He says the best things. Adams kicks short to the 50 but no ones home. The Butcher Steve takes a seat in front of Pete and GG and Fred but is quickly shouted down and moves. Al also made the mistake of sitting near those guys with his chair faced to them. Silly move. Howe stopes an inside 50, kicks to Aish who takes on two Richmond players Screwdriver just gets a kick before being chased down but to dead space the kick goes. Brownlow too late as Rioli scoops, Howe on the 50 line to Adams to Sidie Stephenson round the back to Trav Adams to Thomas back to Trav who/ll lave a kick 40 out. Again Rance was fucking useless. Misses 14-9. Rachael enters, one of the sweetest souls I know. Which is nice as these rants ave nothing sweet bout em. Sidie has a run off to Crisp 30 kicks beautifully. 20-9. As Lingy says Tigers need to take chances. Tigers go 50 but the Sack makes sure nothing happens as COX MARKS. Hes been in poor form last few weeks so we need a big one from him. Samurai puts body on the line to take out two players but given a shit soft free. Razor Ray would ave let that go. Get the ball back straight away Dole Cheque to Screwdriver Tez says the Shag is BOG. The card we gave him, a Freo one of the Shag, during the week is an omen, Gooster goals as our hi 5s are all over the place 32-9. Richo claims the Tigers need to lift. With his shit kicking I doubt he ever got em to lift, if anything the Tigers would ave deflated if he was still on the field.

 

Quarter time

Collingwood 32

Richmond 9

 

Mickster says this will be turning point for the tigers this quarter. Lets see. The Shag is everywhere Howe stops another entry in the 50 Sidie to Matrix Adams Gooster soccers to Cox back to Gooster  COX MARKS again. This time 35 out. Hes usually safe in front and this is no exception. 38-9. We raise our hands high in the air for the hi 5s as more messiness prevails. GG mentions the rooms is full of smoke as we/ve turned the bistro into the Public Bar. Lingy says Tigers need a goal. I cant even be bothered insulting him. Trav gets a free off to Adams Brownlow kicks but misses 39-9.. Tigers holding Adams gets free 70 out as he finds Cox 15 out. No way hes missing that as hes going for a threepeat 45-9. Shag to Sidie pinned as Langdon wonders over to the ball but tigers to quick, Jack is all over Greenwood as Greenwood is given a kick for Jacks shit behavior. Amazingly he hasn/t moaned to the umps once yet. Bruce says this is remarkable as Pete tells him to shut up. Lingy says for the Pies to win they need to all contribute. Lets put that to the test. Cox playing by himself against Richmond, see if Lingys right, lets see if he can win by himself or if he needs contributors. Matrix is given a free. Hes looking for big Cox, and gets him. The unthinkable. COX THREEPEAT as I chant USA USA USA 51-9. Jack has a shot as Rose does her chewy on your boot. It falls just short as Samurai taps, the Shag grabs but kick smothered. Rance does something with a handball but they miss 51-10. Tigers again go 50 but the Sack intercepts, the pressure is immense this game as Chopsticks Martin is crying. Probably over his daddy. Rance has a kick and gets the respect he deserves from the fans. And for his trouble kicks out on the full. Dole Cheque goes 50 Hyphen cant hold as we get a replay of Dusty being held. Out 0f nowhere Crisp goals and my jaw is on the floor from what im witnessing. 57-11. Go straight up forward, shit bloke Rance holds the Gooster. He moans to the umpire. Cry bitch cry, Gooster goals as this is a perfect half we/re seeing 64-11. The hi 5s are getting more crammed as I feel a hand on my band and its that of Nat McGuane she also cant believe this. I love her cousin Mick but he was wrong in his predictions in the Sun. Sack destroys 17 we/re given em nothing. Max Caddy kicks but Sidie marks but shit free given to the tigers but there kick is even shitter. As Riewoldt is on the line grabs the ball is pinned and cant put foot to ball as the ball is rushed over. GIVE EM NOTHING. Last few minutes ave all been the Tigers but the pressure has kept em at bay. They cant even start a gate at the Balaclavia, thats how bad they are. Anyway they get a goal with seconds to go and are celebrating like there booked a place next week despite the fact its only there second goal of the half. Mick says that s turning point as its smoko.

 

Half Time

Collingwood 64

Richmond 20

 

We discuss what the fuck we just saw. No way the Tigers are  sticking to the same game plan. We/ll see if we can hold on

 

thanks to Bernie for the pics

Walking back in Max Gawn is doing those fucking ads. Hey Max, did Google predict you wouldn/t kick a goal in the first half tomorrow?  Get a text from Rob saying fuck yeah as Tez very graciously gives me back my seat. Top fella. Jack goals straightaway as Bruce says that was good, but BT reminds us its a long way back. We get a good restart of our own as the Gooster marks 45 out but can only get a single. 65-26. Shit umps give a useless free. Want Razor back. But free goes straight to Cox 65 out. He plays on Dole Cheque to Gooster Langdon BANG BANG 71-26. Cunt Carey says Cox set the game up by taking marks. I joke that Lingy and Richo on TV but really why is Duck on the box he really is a piece of shit. Tigers hold Sier despite not aving the ball, free to Cox,. Hes 25 out. A threepeat. Unheard of. But he misses with an awful kick. Chopsticks gets a mark. finally. So does jack. Hes the only reason there still in the game. Rosie does her Chewy on the boot but no good as we still hold a 40 point lead. GG brings up the Dust Busters trivia team as Waz says 50 points up, I mention its 40 as he said what am I an accountant? as he goes to the bar. Krebbs marks in the 50 Shag runs round Sack to Crisp Adams to the Gooster Sier but Chopsticks marks in the square. Greenwood is too late as Jack marks. GG says this is a game of two halves. Rose says it’s a game of four quarters. Grundy is given a free as Pete asks what is happening to his manbun, its more down the head. Its now just a ponytail. I say Langdons was too much competition for him. Shag to Aish Stephenson is held. BT says Tigers aint going home. Well it is their home ground so they are already are home. Dumb fuck. Bruce says the Tigers need to get through the Collingwood maze as Pete calls him a goose again. Matrix goes 50 to Dole Cheque has a run kicks yours truly 78-33. Aish takes tigers bloke they sook like the cheer squad. Boo all you want. Im loving this. Tigers go 50 but Langdon marks Brownlow is pinned as Bucks aint happy. Bruce says Tigers need 2 or three goals. Want an useless twat. Why not ten? Three goal aint given em the lead Bruce. Scrappy ball leads to a throw in Tigers kick out on the full. Sidie marks out of the 50, Howe pinned for holding, and hes limping. Fuck. Matrix intercepts the 50 attack, Screwdriver tackle over the line as great run from Adams ruined by shit handball. They ave another shot and do better this time. 78-39. Bruce says another 101 of not even football commentary just common scene by saying the Tigers need to keep the scoreboard turning. Its basically a different way of saying they need more goals and he hopes we don/t pick up on that. Trav rushes ball over to make it an even 40 point lead.  Jack beats the sack Need Rose and her Chewy on the boot to work Bruce says Richo knows something bout goal kicking. What being a fuck up at it? He wish he was as good as Jack. BT says another goal would be a mental hurt. BT your whole commentary is an mental hurt to everyone that listens to your shit. Mickster goes to the bird for the Fiction gig. Adams and Samurai wind down the clock as one more fag before we find out if we got another week.

 

Three quarter time

 

Collingwood 79

Richmond 46

Jack gets a goal to start as we see Howe running on the bench Cox falls down as Bucks aint happy. BT says it was the first time Bucks came out of his seat. What bout quarter time and half and the one that comes after that when he went to the ground and rooms?. He really is a mental hurt. Not as much as Richo whose still talking bout the art of goal kicking. The mans a Muppet Sidie taken down and the Sack is being held as we get a bounce. Cox cant grab from the tap shit free for ducking. Results in goal as Tigers are pushing, we see Eddie on the phone and then Bucks on the phone. Hmmm.  Cox marks handballs to Sidie punches over to Samurai Matrix to the Gooster as we get a bit more breathing space.85-58 the table goes crazy as Nat McGuane joins us, Tez and I hug as does Brad who calls it. Jo has also called it. Im just sitting on it for now. Screwdriver dives and punches to the 50 Adams collects Screwdriver has a pin just falls short Cox pulls it over the line. Thrown in Samurai taps to himself kicks goal of the night 91-58. Brownlow kicks the last for the night. And with six minutes to go im calling it. I write game over on me notes and gets a great ovation but got an even bigger ovation when I pull out the shoehorn. Owen is here, last time we played the tigers he joined us five minutes before the game finished, sat down said nothing and when the siren sounded pulled out a tigers poster to brag. Gotta say I don/t mind that from someone who cheered for the whole game but when someone just rolls up, its shit form. He even admitted he only got back into the game last year, as the Tigers come good. So a bandwagoner too. Anyway I stop writing and just enjoy the last five minutes

 

GAME OVER

Collingwood 98

Richmond 58

 

After the game we go for smoke, a Tigers fan is upset, I say thanks for coming. GG and Brad tell me to be humble in victory and im better than that. They of course are always right. Was shit from form me. Mind you there are plenty of Tigers fans that are so arrogant they need a good coming down to earth, Cuntface for one. Jo buys me Pete Gordon and Rose a shot, as I tell Nat I love her cousin dearly but he got his prediction wrong. Love ya Mick but you fucked up. Lana drives us to the Bird for meet up with Rob to embrace the victory. Brilliant night all round

 

All these great players Chopsticks Martin and the “full back of the century” Rance did fuck all. Dusty was injured but I never saw the deal in Race. Overrated. Jack did keep em in the game till the fourth quarter. He played a ripper, but it wasn/t enough.  Going into this season I thought if we could finish 9th I would ave been happy with that and considered it an improvement, but to be playing off for the flag, no one could ave predicted this. I myself was concerned in the decision in resigning Bucks last year but its paid off. The boys love him and are playing for him.

 

We played a ripper game but unfortunately so did the Eagles. Im not betting the farm but we are a chance. If we can stop those two talls up forward you never know. Dicko texted saying we need to play Chopper Reid. Tempting as that is who goes out?

My mate Teresa tells me from being there last year as a Richmond fan to enjoy the week. I will and we did yesterday at the Bolwo me Fred GG and Dave Last.

Anyway, one more rant to go, lets see what happens, gonna need to get on heroin to get through the week. See you during the week at Book Club.

 

GO PIES

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River Rocks 2018

 

Now. Ive never been to River Rocks. I aint been to Geelong in bout 15 years. The furthest ive been in the last two years has been from St Kilda to Montmorency, where I discovered the towns Officer and Denis exist. I hear theres a lot of nice places in the world, but St Kilda has the Blackmolls an  a Street bar. Does London ave that? My mates Johnny Kicks and Glenn O told me to come down to Getroit for this annual fest probably now the premier music festival in Victoria. With a week out from the gig I got a text from my website host and Book Club president Fred, asking me if I wanted to come down for the show as Mark had a spear tix, as there iconic band I Spit on your Gravy will be playing. How can I pass? Seeing one of my favourite bands hang out with my mates and take a road trip. And be back in St Kilda that night. Was a perfect combo. I lost count how many times people said whet the fuck are you doing here? I like how people know I hate traveling. Id rather go places where I can walk.

After a few beers with my favourite drinking buddy Lisa im on my way to Dis place where I will meet Mark and Fred. On arrival Mark and Di are out the back and im also greeted by the beautiful greyhound that also occupies the place as well as one of my favs Vic. Mark and Di are both beautiful people and very blessed Mark thought of me for the tix, really means a lot Mark, onya. Our fearless leader Fred joins us and after a few fags in the system we hit the road.

Fred tells me he has two cans in his bag one for me, such a lovely man always thinking of me and giving me fuel to continue on. However Di has told us that since its a new car there will be no drinking or smoking on the way. Mark puts his bass case on us in the back, this would ave been the perfect bar to rest our beers. Fred does take advantage of the case using it to use as a DJ bench. First song off the rank is William Shatners version of Common People, possibly the greatest cover ever. Most of the journey is covered by the great Robbie Fulks. He plays the Cigarette State song I love and his on the road song. We stop for a beer and smoke break at little rock which I later found out was 15 minutes from the place.

We arrive in time for Grindhouse, there new LP Can I Drive your Commodore is up there in the top three LPs of the year, a cracking set featuring both the Peter Russel Clark songs. The latest one off their new LP Wheres the Fucking Cheese screams stadium rock, by that I mean it has the vibe of a whole room screaming Peter Russel Clark followed by the song title. Out the back of the wonderfully named  Spencer P Jones stage I see my first friendly face in Judy, while where talking the soothing echoes of Good Old Collingwood Forever in my ear, turn round to find its Max all the way from the Croweaters state. The singing of my national anthem may ave been in jest but its always beautiful to hear those words and ace to see him.  Another cracking set from Grindhouse, these guys cant do anything wrong, and Simmo is one of the nicest fellas in rock. At the back I see the lovely Rosie with the great man Johnny Kicks on my arrival he screams no fucking way, im like way. Always got time for him. After the end of the set I walk to the stage to see St Kildas best barman and bloke you can trust Mad Rad and the also rad Didi. I tell Didi we need to get the Daggar there next time. Didi tells me how the Rolling Stones where charging 500 clams for a tix wheres this was under 70 bucks. I sure know what the better value is. I inform Johnny the sad news that the Balaclava has stopped the $5 schooners all day, he/s as pissed as well all are. Carbie is here with his camera on standby. Hes talking bout his car and all I know bout cars I know from Grindhouse LPs.

In the main area I bump into Tamara from HITs, such a sweetheart she is. Very glad to see her, we raise a glass and cheers to fuck everything. Speaking of sweethearts Polly Jean is here aint seen her in ages, great to see her BIT. Mick from Grindhouse pulls me to pump fists.

Dr Colossus is on next, first heard these guys at the Tote, and I found myself singing every word, thinking how the fuck do I know all these tracks, then I realised all the lines where Simpsons references. The golden years of the show that is. There Album titled the Dank had me laughing for minutes due to the reference in the Uncle Moes episode.

Aaron greets me as does Mark Ireland who/s been in outstanding form with his gig guide this year. Up next is Senor No. Must admit I don/t know a hell of a lot bout these guys. Johnny gets the attention of the singer then screams something in Spanish to which he gets a thumbs up for his efforts. As asked what the fuck, and he said was either thanks or our welcome, either is appropriate. Oh did I mention you can smoke in the outside stage. I LOVE YOU GEELONG. I see locals Simon Barbra and Jefffo if all the locals are like these people this would be a very friendly city. Senor No play a killer garage rock set, topped off by Joel Silbersher getting up for My Pal. All the oldies are wetting themselves while a group of younger people scratched their heads and say huh. At this point I see Glenn O who/s moved down here, I always got time for him and one of my favourite people. He told me hes got down to the movies earlier in the day as I slot in another fag before I get in for Front End Loader, round this point I see the other Glen, always a pleasure being in this presence. Front End Loader do an ace set, sadly no songs from How Can we Fail when where so Sincere, one of my all time favourite LPs .

  book club on the road.

The Chats are on next. That smoko song must be the virial hit of indie music this year, as for the band I aint heard much of there stuff. Glen mentions the singers haircut, which looks like a cross between a page haircut and a mullet. The first track the young fella says this songs about pingaz. I like em already. Another songs bus money is a highlight of the day. These kids sure ave talent, singing tracks im sure any bored 19 year old in the burbs can relate to. As the set starts im asked if they/ve done the Smoko song, I say no. This gentlemen than puts some fresh air in my face, minutes early I got a 5 buck can of Young Henrys. Fuck $5 can of beers and air watching a band in a beer garden im in heaven. This bloke asks if I come often, I raise one finger to raise my inexperience. He tells me that he went to the first nine before moving to Queensland. He came all the way down from Queensland to be informed that its sold out he said im coming in. Fucking good on him. I do something (break the seal probably) and get back in time for the smoko song. Im again next to Judy, some strange man is talking to her, then sets his sights on me, she tells me that he was looking at her shirt. He then proceeds to touch my badges, thankfully he moves on. Smokos over, the song and mine, I walk inside for the main event but before I can I see a guy partied out leaning on a bin. I ask if hes alright, he smiles at me and has a go at my moustache, even though his moustache is what kids on the playground would say is bum fluff. I put that beside me to see the band ive been hanging to see I Spit on your Gravy.   Freds up front with percussion for an instrumental to start. James gets up for some crowd surfing, and Glenn O stands next to me and I embrace him knowing this will be brilliant. Fred is up front and owns the crowd, has them eating out of his palms. He ends the gig feeding us with fruit loops. He even mentioned to Di on stage how he didn/t spill his beer. Was a killer set, Whats Happening being the highlight. Me and Glenn O discuss the set, Johnny walks past and says brilliant, I say outstanding, he says even better.

I desperately need a fag so I decided to go for one but then the Hard Ons belt out I Do I Do I Do as their opener and im up there to bang my head like an idiot and sing along. After a few songs I get the tap on the shoulder, my ride is waiting for me to get in. I hug Mark and say thanks so much for a wonderful day, Max pats me back and bid goodnight to Glen as we/re outta here.

I ask the bouncer if he/s seen a bloke with sideburns walk out, he says that could be almost anyone here. Fred walks out with a can of Melbourne, the bouncers can see this yet aint bothered. Ave I mentioned I love this place?

Jesse kindly provides me and Fred a ride back home. Fred is again on the DJ set, Robbie Fulks again get a fair play. As does the Dirty Hanks, Viv Gayes beautiful voice guilds us down the bay of Port Melbourne, as Nicky Del Ray and his wonderful country tracks takes us through the final Ks. Fred reaches his home and I get dropped off at Glen Ire Road and say thankyou to Jesse and his partner for the lift. Eight seconds later I throw up. I cross the road and pretty much throw up all the contents I guzzled in the last few days. I arrive and bid goodnight to my lovely housemate Cath, before Steve Connolly and the Usual Suspects drift me to zzzzz.

All in all a wonderful day, I want to go every year now. Brilliant people the best bands, fresh air from strangers, it felt like home Thanks again to Mark and Fred for the Tix and Mark Di and Jesse for the ride. And thanks to Glenn O for the beer, owe you one next time. Geelong is alright

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UFC 229 Khabib vs. McGregor

Now. Since football season is over I thought id ave a go covering other sports for Freds site. I certainly don/t claim to be an expert in sports, fuck im hardly an expert in football, so against my better judgement im gonna cover/rant on the UFC, and what a card to start a rant on. UFC 229, featuring their most anticipated main event in ages, Conor McGregor after two years out of the sport taking on lightweight champion Khabib Nurmagomedov.  These two really hate each other and has an old school professional wrestling build up. Back in April McGregor attacked a bus, yes a bus, with Khabib and his teammates inside. Two where badly hurt, McGregor punched a UFC official and faced criminal charges. McGregors punishment from UFC? A title match of course. See kids be a cunt and you too will go unpunished as long as your the money maker for the brand. He has a bit mouth on him and hope the Russian will shut him up.

Ive always loved boxing and wrestling as far as I can remember, but UFC I came late to. I first heard of it when UFC legends Ken Shamrock and Dan Severn where in the WWF. Later I watched their second UFC fight which saw them dance for twenty minutes before a punch was thrown. Not the best introduction to MMA. When Brock Lesnar left WWF to join their heavyweight division I was keen to see more. Then he lost his first fight and I lost interest. Then he became heavyweight champion, but what got me back was after one of this victories he got on the mic, with the crowd booing the shit outta him, saying there trash, hes gonna drink a beer (I forget the brand but it was the one that is not a UFC sponsor) and would go down on his wife. UFC had a pro wrestling heel, this man didn/t give a fuck bout anyone or anything, he was a wrestling bad guy except he meant every word. when he told the fans to get fucked he meant it, I was excited and been a fan ever since. My only other time covering UFC was in these rants, when I asked Mad Rad who won the title fight and he replied the big cunt. Given it was a heavyweight fight he wasn/t wrong. The other time was UFC 225 when I just kept commentating on Yoel Romeros tight shorts and how big his cock was. So ill try and keep my mind outta the gutter and focus on the actual fights.

I arrive at the Balaclava at some time, im not sure due to this fucking daylight savings. The clock radio says one thing the phone says another. I think ill do what Kramer says and just look at the sun and guess. Or its time to go home when the 30th fag hits the gob. Unlike last weekend where I was a fucking wreck due to the grand final, this week im relaxed and happy to see me dear mate and just looking forward to a fine card. Chrisi is loving today shes got this and Bathurst to watch. She happy James Courtney is out

Joe Rogan says this is a culture event and international event and a million other events. Joe describes it as the Irish Gorilla vs a bloke that wrestled bears when he was a kid. If that doesn/t get people to buy this PPV I don/t know what will. I do really fucking love this pub the Balaclava. This is the perfect place to watch sport. I enjoy Joe Rogans commentary but with friends like Alex Jones and Anthony Cumia im a bit sceptical of him.

Chrisi pulls up a BBC article seven things we need to know bout the fight. Fact one is its Conors first fight in two years, and five other facts I already knew. There is one fact I didn/t know and that’s the fight is on 5:30AM UK time. Yeah thanks BBC, thats why they get the big bucks with facts like what time things are on.

Prelim fights

Womens Strawweight opens the card. An All American Affair with Michelle Waterson taking on Felice Herrig. Felice has some really weird beads in her hair and Michelle is wearing a shirt which is never a good sign. Usually when a wrestler wears a shirt its a sign they/ve given up so not sure I like this in UFC. Bruce Buffer the poor mans Buffer is wearing a cheap suit he probably from a garage sale hes more well-known brother Michael had. Solid opening bout with Michelle getting the W. Next we ave the heavyweight bout between Derrick Lewis and Alexander Volkov. Chrisi is pumped to see Volkov. Remember seeing him a few years back, a real slugger and old school bar fighter if I saw one. Him and Lewis exchanged blows with Volkov getting the upper hand in the first round. But his mouthguard came out and the ref stops for him to reinsert, with the restart we got one more second before the bell. Volkov does an old cheap heel trick but claiming he was poked in the eye and calls a timeout without asking the ref if it was cool. Calling your own time out can lead to a atomic disqualification. Lewis and Volkov are tied up and Lewis pretty much falls on top of Volkov. It was much brutal than how it sounds, a big 120KG and seven foot fella falling on top of you. I don/t care who you are thats gotta hurt. Volkov took both first two rounds for me and on his way to taking the third, but Lewis unleashes a left hook from Hell with 20 seconds to go. Looking at the replay Volkov was gone with that punch, Lewis capitalizes and strikes on the ground, ten seconds to go ref calls it off and awards it to Lewis, who goes to his knees and does the cut throat action. Brilliant old fashioned heavyweight fight, not a technical classic but a brilliant heavyweight fight almost bare knuckle slugfest. Lewis was literally on his way to a Loss but pulled a classic win outta nowhere. Just wondering how the fuck he managed that punch so late in the fight after taking all that punishment astounds me. A hellava performance from both guys and an amazing finish that you cant script .the next fight I had little interest in, but the Tony Ferguson/Anthony Pettis was a ripper. The second round was a blood fest and both guys went blow for blow. Brilliant stuff. i got for a fag and find a crap cock and balls on my notes. i suspect Chrisi but it was Leeroy. Chrisi shows how she would ave drawn em. judge yourself which is better.

 

Main event time

Im picking the Russian

Conor walks out and does his usual strut which make him look like a wanker, but Khabib music is like Maria Carey so two wankers don/t make it right. Bruce Buffer has changed his suit, nice he brings out the shit suit for the undercards and wears the nice suit, the one that cost more than 20 bucks for possibly the biggest fight in MMA history. Our friend and MMA expert Leaping Larry L informs Chrisi by text if Khabib can keep him off his feet he/ll win

ROUND 1

Ive been watching boxing since I was a kid and ive never seen his much police/security presence. Pommy Dave and Leeroy join us. They said there would be no handshake before are after and they keep their word. Conor goes for the attack which sees Khabib on the backfoot, but goes for the grabbling early. The crowd is shitting on Khabib for this. Hes able to throw a few effective punches, Chrisi says its nice to see young men hugging. Pommy Dave thinks there instigating a drug deal.

Khabib won the round for me. Conor already looks tired.

Round 2.

What the fuck is Modulo? I see it everywhere on the ring floor advertising. Never heard of it.  Flying kick from Khabib hits but does little damage. Applies a slam and goes back to grabbling. Conor gets out and goes for he roundhouse kick but cant connect, Khabib lands a few punches and gets him on the ground. Anyone else this could ave been over but Conor gets back to his feet. Khabib gets him in another hold as I cant see Conor seeing five rounds. Khabib gets Conor back on the ground Conor gets his foot on the cage but Khabib takes care of that. Is that legal putting his leg on the cage? Conor is holding on, hes known for seeing the distance and winning in the last round, so Khabib really needs to put him away now. Conor looks fucked but I would never write him off., but he can barely land a punch this round. More grabbling sees out the round. Khabib has done everything right so far.

Round 3

.Like the first round Conor comes out with Khabib on the backfoot but more effective this time. He throws a few punches but the Russian gives a few back. Conor throws and uppercut which could ave been devastating if it connected. Khabib trys to get it back on the ground but Conor gets his way outta it. The Crowd is really behind Conor, astounding given hes a cunt. Both guys held their own but Conor won the round for me. What a fight, this has certainly lived up to the hype. Conor was fucked at the end of the fist two but shown hes going down swinging.

Round 4.

Conor again comes out with the early strikes but Khabib gets him on the cage. He gets him in a chock hold that looks like Scott Steiner used as his finisher.

MCGREGOR TAPS. KHABIB RETAINS THE BELT

Fuck what a fight. Conor after two years out gave a great performance but he was no match. Was it ring rust or just got found out by a better fighter? Either way, Khabib, with the exception of round 3 which was McGregors, fought a near perfect fight. I can find no faults in his performance.

BUT THERES MORE…..

I turn for second and I see its on for young and old both ringside and in the octagon. I just see the punches being thrown I missed what happened. Khabib jumps the cage and goes after one of Conors team while members are Khabib possie run after the Irishman. This is fucked. This is why they had extra security and cops. That night and the day after i read multiple reports of what lead to all this, but this is fucked. The way Khabib was treated by Camp McGregor was a disgrace and I don/t blame him for wanting revenge on that big mouth but he should ave just taken the win. And those guys that jumped McGregor are cowards. Again he has a mouth and a cunt but hardly brave trying to fight someone who is down, and even worse one punched, or at least tried to, Conor from behind. McGregor leaves. Dana White is pissed, refuses to give Khabib the belt in the ring for fear of a riot. Khabib hits the showers. No belt presentation, No Joe Rogan interviewer. Just Bruce Buffer announcing the result.

Dana White in the presser says Khabibs purse is being held and the State Commission will investigate. Khabib comes out for a minute, apologizes but not to McGregor, says you don/t fuck with the mans family or religion or country. I agree with one of those statements.

Fuck, what to make of this. Theres trash talk and ways to promote a fight and then theres being a cunt. McGregor stepped over the line calling Khabib dad a coward, accusing one of his team of being a terrorist, throwing a kick at Khabib at the weigh in, and of what else did he, oh yeah THE FUCKING BUS EPISODE. Two blokes hurt and also, as Dave Meltzer reported, throwing punches at UFC staff. The fact they used the bus footage to pump the fight is shameful, and to use it to make Conor the good guy is poor form. Dana White says he doesn/t regret it but this was a black eye to the sport even without this brawl. The fact McGregor hadn/t fought in two years and the bad blood was enough of a selling point, they didn/t need to bring the criminal activity into the picture. And Khabibs. cornermen who jumped Conor should be banned (which Dana White claimed he would do) but for him jumping the cage, its understandable given the shit he was put through but he should ave taken the high road. The win should ave been enough to shut Camp McGregor up. The Fact that Joe Rogan and the other callers where condemning Khabib yet saying how great humble Conor was in defeat shows where loyalties lie and is a complete joke. The fact they didn/t bring up any of the back story (AGAIN THE FUCKING BUS) is just baffling. Sure Conor is their biggest box office draw but to turn an eye to his past activities is a disgrace and makes the company look stoopid. What punishment should Khabib get? Fine him sure, but suspension? For me no. McGregor has an appalling back catalogue of behaviour and has never been punished by the UFC. Again the bus, and attacking a referee at a Bellator event saw no punishment from Dana White. Surely therefore Khabib cant be suspended. Fine him, or suspend him for a month but don/t do it for a year which would see him lose the belt. If that was the case that would be a double standard, and unfortunately I think we/re going to see one.

Bryan Alverz said we saw the best and worst of UFC on this card, and said the post match really wasn/t a surprise which I agree with. There was a lot of good on this card. Derrick Lewis had a comeback for the ages and the main event lived up to the hype. Overall it was a brilliant card top to bottom but unfortunately the post fight is what everyone will remember. What should ave been UFCs finest moment will go down as a black eye. Everyone involved looked bad.

As for McGregor, he should keep quiet for a while.

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Semi Final v Giants

Now. The Pies were fine but not good enough against the Eagles so now we gotta play this week. No more room for losers after this round. can the Pies slay the giants. The Sun called us Giant Killers on the front page during the week. They/ve called it and im going with that. The Dees ave the week off and their biggest fan (that I know of) Mad Matty is barred from the Balaclava for the time being. Hope he gets in before grand final. I should start some campaign like save matty or something. Well he aint dying so maybe not save Matty. Help Matty? Theres other pubs (one literally next door) so no need for help. Ah fuck it, just hope his suspensions runs out soon.

Pregame I find myself at Yellowbird with Amy and Sean. I always got time for them. Amys been an amazing supporter of Munster with her brilliant front covers shes done over the years. Very pleased to know her. While we/ve had many different contributors in the past, shes the only other person I consider on team Munster, if such I thing exists. After the bird I walk to the Balaclava as GG (with glasses) gets outta car. It was some sequel to UBER the car he used. Every time a mate has caught an UBER a gate follows so id rather just walk. We walk into the Bala with plenty of time before the bounce. The nice lady behind the bar tells me shes getting a tattoo sleeve on her left arm to match the one on her right. She grabs a schooner glass and says VB I say its like you/ve known me all my life. I inform Ken GO PIES to which he sighs with if you say so as Pete enters. We look at the lights and think GG needs to fix this but one of the staff yanks em out. Again its like they/ve known us forever. Pete says Maynard G Krebbs will do a number on that shitkicker Toby Greene. Me and GG smash a fag before the start and its taken forever but we finally got Razor Ray in charge. As BT says fastest whistle in the old west. We run in side and 36 second in Thomas goal and we/re off, Rich tells me that was a quick start. Krebbs after the restart to Sidie to Cox handball to Brownlow the Gooster marks  plays on no ones round Screwdriver soccers and would ave been goal of the year buts its a point. The Shitkicker had been roughed up. Good. He should ave got a week for that fucking kick last week. Jack Riewoldt defended his actions on 360 during the week. Shit blokes looking out for each other hey? Pete says put Greenwood on him, as Pete says he towelled up Dusty. Just like what hes gonna do next week. Hyphen to the Gooster to Thomas crumbs it to Dole Cheque hes taken round the neck hands off to the Samurai back to Krebbs Aish to Cox but he still cant fucking mark. Giants go 50 but Screwdriver hold it up kicks to Matrix to Cox handballs to the man of the moment the Sack. What a game he played last week after doing his ACL. Love my boy. Brownlow marks as GG takes out a second light as Samurai hands it off to the Gooster, another miss.  Giants kick straight to Thomas. 35 straight in front. Never in doubt. 15-0. The Gooster is in the rooms as now Richo has decided hes a doctor making a diagnosis on the Gooster despite not knowing what his issue is. Samurai frees Screwdriver is taken from behind short kick to Aish Sier to Samurai again goes wide to the Hyphen Dole Cheque to Screwdriver shit kick lands in Giants hand but the Shag gets it back off to Krebbs Aish to Cox. He doesn/t hold the mark but hes paid it. Bout 55 out he cant make the distance Sier manages to snap a point. There not calling it a crucial point just yet Sier kicks to a giants who go to their 50 but Cameron misses. Howe kicks to Cameron from the kick in so he pretty much has another shot straightaway, but he does this weird run which I don/t know how it wasn/t called play on. Get what he deserved with a miss. Howe to the Shag Langdon marks to Sidie as we see a fucking clock on how long the Gooster has been on the bench. Its seven minutes in. IN THE FUCKING FIRST QUARTER. I guess Lingy and Richo know so little bout special comments they need to give them something else to do, like watch an alleged injured man on the bench. . Brownlow minors 17-2 Richo is giving goal kicking advice because he was Mr reliable in his day. Even Richmond fans sighed whenever he had a shot.  Lingy says the Pies should ave had the game won by now. What with three quarters to go? Him and Richo really are Dumb and Dumber, im now just trying to figure which is which. Stephenson misses 18-2 Giants go 50 only Greenwood is there to Sidie to Dole cheque Stephenson cant mark Adams takes a big bump Matrix held and Razor is straight onto the whistle. Giants go 50 as we enter the last minute which Darce calls important seconds for the second week in a row. I guess the last 19 minutes were just a waste of time. The Shitkicker is tackled good as the Giants try that cute shit with a dribble kick but gets em nowhere. Giants go 50 but are pinned for Throwing Langdon to Aish Sidie to Thomas Adams kicks to a giant in our 50. The Pies ave had 20 inside 50s this quarter, for a disappointing score. . the Shag is given a free but he trys that fucking dribble kick shit, Ward picks it up  but Sack scraps it to Brownlow who kicks with six second to go. HYPHEN MARKS. Kick after the siren, nails it as me and Pete finally bang elbows after a quiet few weeks for the Hyphen. And where cha cha chaing going into the break.

Quarter time

Collingwood 24

Giants 2

Run in after smoko and see fucking giants ave finally got a goal. Sier takes a one handed mark Hyphen keeps it down off to Cox but pinned and Giants score. As Richo says thats better. Yes two quick goals is better. Something Richo could only dream off.  He then says this is more a Giants style game but doesn/t say what that is.  Hyphen marks  Stephenson cant hold the kick shit free to Giants Samurai intercepts to Sidie to Brownlow Shag to Hyphen as Stephenson minors again.  Krebbs from 60 Aish picks the loose ball handballs to the Sack free to Giants but Howe takes a mark of the year contender. Sier kicks from 50 Hyphen cant mark Giants go 50 but they still do all that cute shit and they get nothing. Good, how hard is it to drop the ball on your boot, you aint the Harlem Globetrotters, and the Pies certainly aint the Washington Generals you daft cunts. Speaking of daft Richo tells us possession in the 50 is everything. Sigh. I cant be bothered berating him anymore.  Adams to Greenwood to Hyphen Varco has a run passes to Screwdriver misses. 26-14. Pete mentions the Samurais bun aint good. Its more lower than it is. That aint very Samurai, thats more Barista like. Shit goal to the Giants, Brownlow misses straightaway as we/re told the kicker has ankle issues. Oh the irony. Another shit free from a throw that wasn/t a throw but the Giants again try to be fancy with a dribble and they get nothing. Richo tells us the Giants are here to plas, JB pumps his tyres by saying hes right. Just fucking sigh these useless twats. Adams gives the shitkicker a good hit as our host Linda says shit happen.  Giants goal, as daft fuck number three Darce says that was a big moment in the game. I guess that must ave been one of those crucial seconds he was talking bout. But the Pies get there big moment with the Gooster goaling after the siren as its a ring a ding ding with everyone coming from everywhere to get involved. Razor aint happy.

Half Time

Collingwood 33

Giants 26

(notes from Saturday night let me know if anyone can make anything of this)

Its half time as just before the half was over where joined by our great mate Bernie Two legs. Bern and GG ave the two for one shopper dockets, we/re all looking forward to a nice meal, but he Bala ave cut the fucking kitchen half an hour early. What the fuck do we do? We ponder this over a fag as Proud Geelong man Gaz from Hell greets us hello in his gentle nature. We say fuck the kitchen as GG does a run to the chip shop on Carlisle St. if I ever sell out and do commercials its either gonna be for the bloke that does the ten dollar harircuts, also on Carlisle St and that chip shop. Ruby is on in the front bar. zzzzzzz.  Rose enters as we fest on the ace food from the chipery. The staff don/t seem to care or notice. Shit goal sees the scores levelled. Was actually a good goal, as Rose said they threaded it through the needle.  JB says that man can play. So everyone else cant? Knob.  Giants get another one, as Darce said Pies need the next. Fuck sake how long was he sitting on that. Gooster marks for 45 out on an angle balls punched over five points down. Cox intercepts in the middle kicks to the 50 to Dole Cheque bang 46-39. Sidie straight away goes 50 but Giants get a shit free. They say Dole Cheques goal might ave been touched. Moaning pricks, move on.  Hyphen marks I want 50 but no dice. Gooster taps to Cox goes to ground. Sack cant beat Cameron, Greenwood uses the body well taps to Matrix, Stephenson off to Dole Cheque Crisp Samurai kicks to the Shag but held. JB says both teams want to win so they can play next week. Thanks JB was wondering why they were there. Giants goal as JB says they needed that. Ave I mentioned I think little of these commentators?  I cheer as I discover two of the Giants players ave names of mates of mine, Taranto and Nick Haines, although the giants Nick is spelt differently, something I won/t acknowledge. Haines is a testament top the fact you cant smoke like a chimney and still play AFL. I forgot to write in my notes what the 3 quarter time score was. I forget when it started so im gonna say its three quarter time…..now.

Smoke break Pete declares they should rename this pub Balagate due to all the gates we/ve suffered in the last year. I want one day, NO GATES. We walk in and see Trav goal, me and Pete are waiting in the front bar for service to find no one there. After five minutes we get served and in that time my boy the Hyphen and Gooster ave scored majors. Looking good now. 66-45 as Pete calls it we/re home. Darce says the Pies are home but also says Giants need to do more work to win. Sigh. Does he listen to himself? Someone explain why this man is on air. Everytime I tune into Eddies breakfast shows he has the same two stories. He lost his I Pad or lost one of this kids. Thats it. Aish and Krebbs take care of the shitkicker but still giants goal. Giants ave another shoot. Rose screams chewie on your boot. For second week in a row it works. She says it later and again works, we need her everyweek. Pretty sure Richo said Giants must kick this. Anyway we kicked a few points more JB said stoopid things, they got within ten points and GAME OPVER. Unlike Pete I wait till 57 second to go to call it. Siren, Oh fuck year

Final score

Forget BUT PIES WIN.

After the game its off to Lyrebird for a set of Intoxica, some of the best rock n roll comes outta that band. And the next day my great mate Terry an I head to the Ink to watch the GGG vs Canelo fight. Brilliant fight that was. One of the commentators takes a leaf out of the AFL callers book, says one of these guys are gonna feel different tomorrow. Yeah a few blows to the head will do that. I see Scott the Scot who asks if im happy with the win. I show him my notes as he says aye I cant fooking read that (see above)

Friday on my mind indeed. Not our best game, I don/t mean to be like Richo but clearly we need to kick straighter, and I just felt the tackling pressure was there. Sure there were times when the giants got the ball out the 50 we had bokes waiting but there were too many times they got the ball outta the 50 too easy. This is something the Tigers will kill us at if we aint careful. The trash talking between me and my Richmond chums has already started. This week could be messy. Oh well. I didn/t think we would make it this far, can we go the distance? The nice receptancist at work says yes. Shes called it not me. Onya Linda.

Anyway so much to look forward too, best get a beer. See yous at the Balaclava.

GO PIES

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