Penny Ikinger

If there is such a thing as Rock Goddess Penny Ikinger is possibly the close to the title. Everything in her style is rock n roll. From the music, the fashion, the attitude and work ethic. Pennys latest LP Tokyo, released on Off the Hip records, is eleven ripping rock/powerpop tracks, featuring Oz music royalty Deniz Tek and Japanese musicians Masami Kawaguchi, Keiichi Sakai and Louise Inage. Recorded in Japan and Australia it is possibly Munsters favourite LP for 2018. Me and Penny met at the Dogs on a shit Saturday arvo to natter Wet Taxis, Japan and museums.

Munster: You were born and raised Melbourne but had two periods living in Sydney, did you play in a band in Melbourne before heading to Sydney?

Penny: the first band I played in was in Sydney, that was Wet Taxis, I played rhythm guitar in that band. I actually rehearsed with a band in Melbourne but we never did a gig. Mick Harveys brother Sebastian Harvey was the singer. I can/t even remember what the band was called but we never played.

Munster: how did you meet Louis Tillett?

Penny: Sydney Uni. I went up to study archaeology and Louis was studying ancient history, and archaeology as well. I think he came third in the state in ancient history. And he was this weird looking guy that used to hang round the corridors in the shadows, so we would ave met via something to do with ancient history.

Munster: Lets talk Wet Taxis, you weren/t an original member?

Penny: No. Wet Taxis went through a few stages. When they first started they played what was called industrial noise, and thats what we would call experimental musical today. Other bands like Severed Heads, and Tom Ellard had a label Terse Tapes and they released some early Wet Taxis stuff. They originally played this industrial noise which was very out there, loud aggressive stuff. Simon our guitarist would use Lego motors and things to play the guitar, or record someone vomiting and then sample it into the music, again this predated what we know as sampling now. They also recorded someone crying and sampled that, they probably would ave recorded someone shitting of they could. So they pretty much would ave cleared the rooms with that style of music. Louis/s Sister Nina was trying to help them and said that her brother played in a band and they were looking for a gig, and they said what kind of music, she said Light cocktail jazz (laughs). But round this time Wet Taxies started making a change from that style, to playing 60s psychedelic rock covers, 13th Floor Elevators and the stuff from the Nuggets LPs that kind of music. So Wet Taxis started playing that style at the Britana Hotel and they used to pack it out and they had a residency there for years. Even though they didn/t play cocktail jazz (laughs). Peter Watts left the band and then I joined.

Munster: Where you behind the change in direction music wise of Wet Taxis?

Penny: No they had changed before I joined. Peter had been playing that 60s psychedelic punk before i came in, I don/t think i was a big influence on that sound. Louis and Simon Knuckey the lead guitarist were the biggest influences. Then Simon and Tim who are brothers left, they were from Dunedin, and then they left and Jason Cain and Rodney Howard joined, and thats when Louis started writing original songs. So the band went through three phases. The industrial, the 60s psychedelic, and we still did some 60s covers but Louis started writing. Then the band split round 1987 and Louis went solo and I played guitar in his solo band.

Munster: When did you return to Melbourne?

Penny: around 1991

Munster: is that when you went solo?

Penny: no I still didn/t sing I just played guitar I came back to study again, and I was with Charlie Owen then so he came down too. I played in a band called Red Dress with Cathy Green. She was the drummer and songwriter in that band. I also played with Sacred Cowboys for a while. I didn/t start singing till round the year 2000. So I joined Wet Taxis in 1983, so ive been playing for a long time before I started singing.

Munster: when you started singing was it solo or with a band?

Penny: Thats when I went solo.

Munster: You/d been playing for a long time before you went up front, where you comfortable singing at first?

Penny: it was really difficult I never really wanted to sing or write my own songs. But what happened was these bands I just mentioned, as a musician you/re always relying on other people to get the ball rolling. I realized that it was a reality that if I was going to continue playing music I needed to take the reins in my own hand because the band I was in would go ok for a while and then they would break up, so I knew I was just gonna ave to sing thats the only way I can ave control. And I didn/t think I could sing, im still not sure. But I figured singing is the hardest thing if I can do that the rest will be easy. My first gig was in Sydney supporting Louis and Charlie Owen.

Munster: do you identity more with Melbourne or Sydney?

Penny: Both, when we were in Sydney we thought Sydney rock was better than anything in Melbourne, Melbourne was a bit arty for us. Mind you Wet Taxis doing industrial was pretty arty. And in those days, now musicians play in lots of different bands, back then there was more a football team mentality about what you did. If you played in one band that was it you didn/t moonlight with another band. Now you do all the time otherwise you/re going to survive. Back then you stuck with your band. Back to whether I identity with Melbourne or Sydney I think the Melbourne aesthetic has influenced me, because something about what you grow up listening too, and I would see bands in Melbourne before I moved up to Sydney, bands like Boys Next Door. I don/t know which one I identify with. When I came back to Melbourne I came back to study, I really didn/t want to come back. But round the same time the Sydney scene dried up so a lot of Sydney musicians moved to Melbourne. When I was in Sydney I was a Sydney musician and coming back to Melbourne I thought of myself as a Melbourne musician


 (photo by Gaku Torii)

Munster: You mentioned when you were in Sydney you thought Sydney rock was better than Melbourne, was there some snobbery from Melbourne musos in regard to Sydney too?

Penny: Yup, but we thought they were arty poofs so why would we care what they think? (laughs) Melbourne audiences where more hoity toity and used to a particular sounds, influenced by the Birthday Party, wheres Sydney wasn/t as interested in that. We were more into happy rock.

Munster: Your new LP Tokyo, how was that recorded, did you do your parts and the Japanese musicians do their parts in Japan and then add it together?

Penny: No I went to Tokyo to record the LP with there with the Japanese musicians. It was a big project for me to do. The first time I went to Japan was in 2008. The promotor put together a band called the white shadows and they were a great band. We played one gig and the drummer and bass player where the ones that came down recently. Then I went the second time 2010 and played with Louis the bass player and different drummer Keiichi and Masami on guitar played guitar. The second time Deniz Tek also came. I got a grant from the Australia Japan foundation to record the LP. Deniz cound/t come so he recorded his parts in Australia but everything else was recorded in Tokyo, I did my vocals and mixed here at Hot House in Acland Street. I wrote the songs with Deniz and I wanted that to be part of the project for me I wanted to write with Deniz. We wrote the songs at his place in Kiama which is near Wollongong.

Munster: The first time you went were you invited or did you just decided to go?

Penny: No I decided I wanted to go so I went on my own. I didn/t know anyone in Japan id never been there before. It took me a while to find the right people to help, and I found them through a lady called Sue Rynski. Shes a photographer. She lives in Paris, she lived in Detroit round the era of MC5 and the Stooges, so shes Deniz Teks era. She had an expo in Tokyo so she had a lot of good connections. She hooked me up with a promotor, Gaku Torii who agreed to book me shows. If it wasn/t for him the whole album wouldn/t ave come about so was very lucky. He was the first music journalist to bring punk to Japan through his writing, through his reviews and articles in the late 70s/early 80s. Hed be flown round the world to interview Bowie and Iggy Pop, so hes a very well known journalist in Japan. He published a book bout punk rock from American and England, he did very well from his writing. He was an important figure in Japan, because they love punk rock, they play it really well they get it and they understand it.

Munster: A lot of Australian bands when they tour overseas they usually head to Europe, what was it bout Japan that made you wanna go there?

Penny: I was interested in the culture and also I love travel and a challenge. I like doing difficult things I don/t like doing easy things I get bored. To me that was a bloody hard thing to do. I knew no one didn/t speck the language had no idea where I was what I was doing, I found that attractive. And I had no idea how incredible the music was. I know some Japanese bands tour Australia but compared to how many bands there are over there its all just phenomenal. I went to see what was going on, was like a mission. I went the first time on my own, the second time I got a grant from the Australian Japan Foundation, I got two grants in the end to go there. The first grant, I was at work and a friend of one of the curators at work, Julia Murray, she put an ad on my desk for the Australian Japanese Foundation.  I got the grant went back took Deniz, then I applied for another one and also got it. It was very competitive as both times 300 people applied and only ten got grants. So its great they support rock n roll. Masami has played here a few times so its opened doors both sides they didn/t exists before.

Munster: in the booklet you mention one of the reasons you love Japan was the mixture of the old and new culture and how day and night are so different. It seems over there they really value there past and would never knock down old buildings like they would here, is that a fair call?

Penny: they seem to be but I don/t know all the ins and outs. I went to this great exhibition when I was there last time at the Mori art museum, that was on architecture in Japan and they talked about the building techniques of the old architecture and the shrines then they talked about how that aesthetic design, seems the Japanese ave has influences there modern architecture as well. They do ave modern buildings but the places I was staying was not the glitzy areas, I was staying the arty areas. Thats what I saw there, tiny alley ways with lanterns and old houses with bars. That area in Flinders Lane with laneways within laneway its kind of like that. Then you go into areas like the big business district, there you see the big buildings and neon lights. Its like two different places within the one place.

Munster: would you call this lp a love letter to Tokyo?

Penny: not a love letter but it seemed the best title. When I wrote the songs I had Japan in mind. The song Tsunami thats Japanese for Silver Bell, that’ a meeting place, thats where I met the Japanese musicians. Thats the rondevu point because I had to meet them at that particular spot. And it was recorded there so Tokyo seemed the most appropriate title.

Munster: when did you first meet Deniz Tek?

Penny: I knew Rob Younger, he produced the first Wet Taxis song Sailor Dream the first original song Louis wrote, my partner at the time Charlie Owen was playing in New Christs, so I knew Rob well. Before I released Electra i did a four track demo at Yikesville which was run by Shane O’Mara. Chrissy Amphlett came in to the studio, I played them to Chrissy and she said I think you can improve your singing, and I agree it wasn/t that good. So she was like the vocal producer. I did the the demos gave a copy to Deniz and he really liked it. He had his record company in America, Career, put the LP out. Deniz today is a close friend but wasn/t at the time, he just really liked the music.

Munster: He doesn/t seem like a person would say yes to everything he is offered so must be a big thrill getting him to work with you.

Penny: and write the songs with me. Im lucky he likes my music. Hopefully we/ll do some more writing together.

Munster: Salmon was an instrumental project put together by Kim Salmon which featured a whose who of legendary Oz indie acts, what was it like working on that project?

Penny: that was fun that was done quickly. That was a whole different musical experience. It was like playing in an orchestra so he worked out everything in his head and he teached us the parts. Although you/d think something with six guitarists and one drummer would be wild and crazy but really its was quite tight because you couldn/t do what you wanted you had a part, so was like an orchestra.

Munster: That must ave been a thrill him picking you for your guitar playing style.

Penny: I hope so but we played what we were told. And Kim wasn/t playing guitar. He was conductor and playing samples on a keyboard, hed sample his voice saying something like a wooo, then hed press the keyboard and mime so he wasn/t even singing. So was kind of performance art. When that LP, I think was at Sound Park and then a  live record, I think in Sydney when we played with the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, came out on Bang. Was a pretty brave thing to do, I don/t know if Salmon will play again I doubt it. I don/t know if the audience got it but Kims good at re-inventing himself and doing things people don/t expect, we did Mudhoney and Jon Spencer supports because they all worship Kim.

Munster: do you prefer playing solo or band?

Penny: I like both. And I play with different bands. I ave a band in Melbourne, a band in Sydney with Deniz and Jim Thompson and John Fenton. I ave the Tokyo band and a band in Paris and in America I played with another band Donavans Brain. And all the bands are completely different to each other. Donavans Brain has two guitarists as well as myself, in Japan theres Masami and Deniz and me. Sometimes I play with one guitarists sometimes two sometimes I play as a three piece. The French band has Dimi Dero and Vince from the Wholly Curse. They all play the same songs yet they all sound completely different and sound nothing like the record. Why sound like a record when you already got it.

Munster: on a personal note, you work at the Melbourne Museum as a curator?

Penny: collection manager. I work with all the indigenous objects that aren/t aboriginal. So thats objects from the pacific, Asia, Americas and Africa. Its a really interesting job and i meet a lot of interesting people. I think im interested in different cultures and different ways of thinking bout the world, thats why I work there and most of my music has been outside of Australia. So this thing bout travel im interested in different places different cultures and im interested in this sort of universality of rock n roll, how you can travel to different places and find people playing that ave a love of a similar style of music. Like a secret club round the world, with people like us that like certain music. Because we aren/t sitting in the mainstream. But its universal. Say Masami has a huge knowledge of music and listens to all kinds of music but he loves that garage punk think that I come from that influence of playing in Wet Taxis, it influence my aesthetic in music, it influenced my guitar playing and songwriting.

Munster: Whats next?


Penny: im doing an improvised performance at the state library with Ollie Olsen just the two of us no idea what we/re going to play. i/ll be doing more gigs promoting the LP but that won/t be till early next year. And im thinking next year going to Europe, playing France and Spain, im in the process of trying to work that out. Because I do all the business but I ave people round the world helping me out. Id love to write some more with Deniz. All this stuff Matt is so much work, I don/t think people realize how much work it is. And when you make these LPs you don/t walk out rich from it. And then you gotta find the money do the next one and get back on the horse. I put so much work into this Japan project and bringing the Japanese musicians to Australia im just thinking whats the best thing for me to do next. I recorded two songs with the Japanese musicians while they were here i/ll be releasing that as a seven inch single but I don/t know when. And I like things not to cut in stone right now, im going to see whats going to happen with the album and that will help direct me what I do next. If I get interest in a certain area then its a good idea to tour there so that will determine what I do.


Munster: do you ave a favorite Fall lp?


Penny: no but I did see them when they toured years ago. I thought they were great but I don/t think I ave any of their LPs but I know there music from listening to their albums at other peoples houses.

Tokyo out now via Off the Hip Records.

Posted on

Grand Final v Eagles (part 1)


My notes are covered with beer so this could be messy and this could make no sense. Like every other rant.


Oh boy. The pies are in the grand final. I thought it would be a while until I got to say those words. Don/t know how we did it but we/re here. I said last week I was gonna need heroin to get through the week but turns out a few beers a 100,000 fags did the job. Sunday before the game I saw me great mate Theresa, a proud Tigers fan who was very humble in defeat. She hugged me and told me to enjoy the week. I don/t know if theres such a thing as too much fun but this week was it. Monday night book club at the Balaclava was one for the books, me and Fred along with GG discussing the prelim and the week to come. GG takes a punt on the Samurai to win the Brownlow and Sidie to place. He picked up the coin for Sidie. Stifflers Dad Gil is the worst Brownlow reader ever. I want Wayne Jackson back. Gil and his brother Hamish look like rejects from Monty Pythons Upper Class Twit of the Year sketch. This bloke is all PR nd business he couldn/t give a fuck bout the fans. Against my better judgement I watched open mike where the guest was Joffa. Seriously YouTube it. He had a brutal upbringing and its amazing hes here in one piece. And his passionate plea at the end bout grand final tickets sums up why people like him represent the fans and dickheads like Gil and Hamish will never be one of us. And Roaming Bruce is even worse than Roaming Brian. Poor Tom, felt so bad when Bruce was all over him after he won. Sure Tom was thinking was winning the top award and a lifetime of free beers worth this? Oh and Cuntface at the Balaclava, the bloke that has no redeeming features sure copped plenty of GO PIES and HOWS THAT BACK TO BACK GOING? Hey, you should be humble in victory but when you/re a cunt to several mates of mine ill piss on the floor and rub you/re your face in it. I think screaming GO PIES at him is the verbal version of my piss on his stoopid face.


Thursday night me and Captain of the Collingwood Wheelchair Footy Team Richard went to the taping of the grand final Front Bar. Never seen a full episode before. Was great seeing Santo Cilauro and being meters away from Tony Shaw and also booing Stifflers Dad as well as Stevie J. Alistair Clarkson was pretty funny, and was the only one I saw drink his beer. I kept looking at Mick Molloys beer to see how much he drank. He drank like 10% of his schooner and then someone grabbed it and filled it up during the break. Mick off air tells us a joke involving an Andy Maher sex tape. Ill stop there to prevent you throwing up in your beer. He also told Eddie to go fuck himself off air. Also great to see Titus OReilly.


Went to Dingley on Friday but stopped off and paid respect to Bob Rose, our clubs greatest on field servant and most famous member of Collingwoods first family. The idea came to be from my dear friend Nick Haines paying tribute to a North Adelaide icon the night before the Rosters won the SANFL flag the week before. Me and dad watch the parade, and the MC says we need a song to get us in the mood. Me and dad groan in unison as we know that means Mike Brady. And what do you know hes had a whole year and he still aint written a new song? Lazy bastard. We watch the second half of the tigers game, god the commentary is shit. The new guy (I gather hes going to be awful as they all fucking are) interviews Mason Coxs parents, new guy calls Bruce the Bob Costas of Australia. Aving watched a fair bit of American sports, I can tell Bruce is no Bob Costas. Costas is actually good, doens/t make a goose of himself and makes comments that actually mean something. What an insult to Bob. We cap off the week with the Large Number 12s and DJ Brett at Dogs Bar. Brett also a mad tigers fan tells me hes kinda relieved not to be playing as he can just enjoy the game.


Anyway game day. A gate keeps me locked in my backyard and am stuck for five minutes. gate gate. I walk down to the Balaclava which GG had the amazing foresight to book the room five weeks out. I watch the last five minutes of the Club to get in the spirit of the day.


Walk in for our version the Norm Melbourne breakfast to see GG and. Rose welcome and kick off the day. She cant stay but she provides us with chewing gum. Her chewy on the boot has been outstanding this year, so she/ll be with us in spirit. AND THE LIGHT IS ALREADY OUT AND GG ENDS THE SEASON WITH GLASSES. Party pies are coming but not little boys. For all the publicity I give the pub and its clients like Mad Matty youd think theyd give us the little boys.

We see Fox has got people from the teams being interviewed, they got the big guns, Jonathan Brown. The man who can/t put two words together. what is the process of being a commentator? He aint much to look at and he cant talk, English anyway. Someone like Chris Dawes, a lawyer who can actually string a meaningful sentence isn/t a commentator. People like Lingy and Richo probably figured if people heard his comments they realized people would know they bring nothing to the table.

Theres two and a half hours to kill. Im pounding down the darts.


1pm Jason comes down from Castlemaine, along with Sam the birthday girl. Keith is seconds behind them. A different Keith, a local at the Balaclava is also here. He asks how I feel, I said im nervous. He tells me it would be wrong if I wasn/t. I give them the bad news that Fergie is not in the Black Eye Peas. Port Melbourne legend James walks past and asks how the breakfast is going. I tell him the landlord was concerned that we wouldn/t draw a crowd. I tell him we already got twenty and more to come. 1:30 Fred and Viv enter, and when I got out for what seems like fag number 70 of the arvo  I see Amy and Ruby, as Jo and Chrisi enter. Amy and Ruby are on their way to the Inkerman, great to see them as always. Horse walks past said hes watching the first half at his house. Gordon Mark and Casey all join us. Thirty minutes to the bounce we see for the first time this season, and way too long, Jackie the heart and soul of our Collingwood table, with John and his mate also here. Rob W is on the way, so we ave everyone here. And Lana joins us, very blessed to know her, and the best I know Tez is here with the Shag card we gave him. We/re only missing one person, the CEO. He walks in to a standing ovation and takes the CEO Booth at the back of the room. Simon and Jane are here and Martin wearing a Spooky Records shirt. Also our legal Team, Brad and Yvonne with Brads aunt (sorry forgot her name) who will be playing the lone Eagles fan in the room. Its packed to capacity. Leroy pokes the bear sending me something bout nice banner dickhead, no idea what shes on bout. Im still shitting bricks. They say please rise for the national anthem and I do for smoko. Tez is excited as Mr Football Waz enters.


We ave all the shittest blokes assembled in the commentary box. Bruce, BT, Richo and Lingy and Wayne Carey. Thank god for Daisy Pearce. As Chrisi says hope Daisy is away from Carey so he doesn/t comment on her tits. I miss the first minutes as JFK marks and kicks. The Sack was no match for him. NO HE MISSES. Sorry my notes said he goal since I was sure he was gonna kick proper but he missed. Shite free sees Eagles go forward but Langdon intercepts. Off to cox but he cant mark. Hope Cox plays like last week and not rest of the season. BT is already annoying all of us. Lingy says Cox needs to lower expectations of his game today. Would anyone cry if we never heard of Lingy again.  Screwdriver kicks to the boundary for a throw in. Trav to Matrix tackled but back to Trav BANG we/re off 6-1. Richo says something Bruce says good call Richo. Absolute wankers, its a good thing they got each other because I cant see anyone wanting to be mates with these people. Anyone who wants to call Carey a mate is someone I don/t wanna know. Cox goes down as hes scratching his eyes after an eye attack. Amazingly no free, cunt act by eagles and upms.  Meanwhile the Shag is everywhere, Tez is clutching the luck Shag card kicks to Sidie but eagles intercept the shit kick, Shag marks again, Richo tells us 70 marks will win the game. In the last quarter he then tells stats are useless. Do seven actually listen to him? Eagles go 50 JFK cant hold the mark, throw in. Once again JFK cant hold, Screwdriver passes to the Gooster Matrix is grabbed but holds it tight, Greenwood scraps the ball handballs to Stephenson sharp snap OUTSTANDING KICK 12-1. People at the table say was lucky kick. No, he meant that. With so many people all over the place the hi 5s and cha cha chas are sloppy to start. Darling pinned Howe free, Cox cant hold the mark, hope I don/t ave to keep writing that. Brownlow given a free passes to Stephenson, takes two on one and hes going for a threepeat 18-1. After the bounce Eagles go their 50 as Bruce says they need a goal. Do people feel sorry for him? Is that why hes been in a job for so long?  Ball throw in Adams to Crisp to an Eagle Shag tackles, off to Stephenson Langdon, hes held but nothing comes of it. Eagle to Dole Cheque to the Hyphen Thomas to the Gooster hes being held but pushes through, what a goal. 24-1. BT Shows off his maths skills by saying the Eagles are practically four goals down. BT its 3 goals and five points. Bruce for all his flaws as a shit caller seems like a nice guy. BT seems like the sort of guy that everyone would leave the table after he brought us a round. Peter Helliar is next to Eddie. How the fuck did he get that much pull? In that case we should get a fucking box. Shag gets a free we all cheer, Fred screams Norm Smith. BT says the Eagles need to pass the ball by foot, because thats how the like it. Dole Cheque marks in the Eagles 50, loses it but we get it back via a throw.  Eagles ave a kick, Bruce calls it a beautiful kick yet it misses. Hyphen to the shag Langdon Adams again the Hyphen marks. Cunt Eagle gives him an elbow to the head. No 50? Cunt act from both eagles and umpire again. Of course he kicks it. But again we freak re the order of the hi 5 and the hyphen, John says we had all year and we left it to the biggest game of the year to call this. GG gived our hi 5s a three. Shag goes forward , its been an outstanding quarter so far. Eagles go 50 tackle the sack thrown in with two minutes to go. Eagles goal, but they go to the review. Its paid a goal even though I don/t know how you can tell from that angle they showed. Shit free for deliberate even though theres no way you can call that sees Eagles ball. Umps ave had some shocking calls if you dont mind me saying. Bernie Two Legs mentioned the next day an old world of sport segment where the umpires would ave to justify their calls. Need that back. And not the umpire department pimping there members saying theres no problem and there doing a great job when clearly there not .  Anyway after the goal BT says there back in business, clearly BTs brain went redundant a long time ago. Bruce says Pies cant concede another one. No wonder I sniff glue. Anyway its time for a fag.


Quarter Time

Collingwood 31

Eagles 14


Thomas off to Matrix Shag holds it up, throw up on the 50 line, Krebbs grabs and runs it over for another stalemate. Someone kicks Bruce says squizy kick whatever the fuck that means. The Eagles bloke with my last name goes off. JFK cant hold the mark the Shag is in career best form, lays another brilliant tackle, for today hes worth every cent. . Sidie passes to Howe nothing kick throw in, Eagles player hurt as we get to hear from Dr Richo. I love it how he thinks he has a brain and trys to play doctor. Adams to Brownlow enters the 50, but Fucking Cox cant mark, Stephenson pinned over the line. Aish marks just outta the 50, AGAIN, Cox cant hold the ball when he puts his two hands up. Throw up. Bruce says the Eagles are playing comfortable, despite being three goals down. Do people hear what we hear? Who demands this man be kept in a job? I know all I do is rant and moan and call people cunts, but surely thats more insightful and accurate then they need the next goal? Sigh. Anyway back to the coverage. Im a fucking wreck, I need a fag. Or crack, whatevers available. Gordon rubs my shoulder instead. He has a nice touch.  Cunt free against Cox because weak as piss, its just cause his size that was paid. Dole cheque to the Shag, Cox still waiting for that first mark. Adams trips to Dole Eagles intercept but Eagles to Howe to Cox, sigh, he fucking…….i cant write it you know what he does, or doesn/t do. Samurai to Brownlow handball to Matrix, back to Samurai to Sier Crisp, cant find anyone, as its past the half way mark and no one has scored this quarter. IM CALLING IT. ANYONES GAME. Pete kindly reminds me thats why I get the big bucks. Eagles go 50 , Langdon marks, passes to Brownlow, but pinned, Stephenson marks gives it to the Hyphen off to the Gooster 45 out on an angle first goal of the quarter 38-15. Eagles straightaway get a too easy goal to which BT claims was one they needed. Royal Cunt Julie Bishop is on the TV. Gotta say in a room with so many different supporters of different clubs, seeing that awful women was the one thing that brought us together. She copped a great booing. To a nicer person it couldn/t ave been given to. Shag tries to take mark of the year but cant hold as Bruce claims its a 50-50 game. Max Gawn is  on the TV again with the fucking Google ads. Hey google whats the shittest prelim performance ever? Anyway a few things happen but nothing on the board. I need a fag. Or a new lung


Half Time

Collingwood 39

Eagles 27


Ladies and Gentlemen, thats part one of Munsters Grand Final Rant. Do the Pies get up? At what point does my notes get covered with beer? and by who? and when does Bernie Carpet enter? Seriously when did he enter? know he was there for the second half. And who does fred want me to get on the shoehorn to murder so there out of action for the second half? And will Mad Matty do a run in?


All this and more when Munsters footy rant returns for part two, whenever i can be asked.



Posted on

Qualifying final vs Eagles



FINALS. Feels good to say that. After a few years in the wilderness we made it to September. I like this feeling, hope it happens every year. After a season that has had its ups and downs and proving what we are worth, and us fighting to get a table every week and getting a TV with sound, here we are at the Balaclava for the Eagles game. And with a double chance. Which means two more rants at least. Good for me but bad for you. The Eagles will be a tough game, but with Brownlow, Howe and my boy the Sack all in where in with a fighting chance.


I walk into the Balaclava to watch the second act of the Swans Giants game with Fred and GG (with Glasses) and Pete later on and we got the fucking table. We go out the back for smoko with Pete not taking any chances taking the remote with him. We dicuss possibly the biggest Gate yet, but I think that needs a separate rant. And a sit down interview with the Butcher.


After an ace ten dollar T Bone we again saddle into the seats getting ready for the game. Unfortunately we ave to witness the horror of that fucking Bounce show. Danny Frawley is dressed as Colonel Sanders for some reason. We than cut to a montage of all the outfits Spud has been in cross the years. Hes been dressed as a women, a lizard and everything else. Jason Dunstall please your better than this. Danny Frawley not so much. Hes an annoying flog that gives awful insight when he commentates and if it wasn/t for him dressing up in stoopid outfits the only job in showbiz he would be qualified to do is being the bloke fired out of a cannon at the circus. Please be gone with him. We than cut to the pre match panel, Gary Lyon Jonathan Brown and Nick Riewoldt while Seven has JB Richo and Darce. So they got there shittest blokes from their respective networks for this game. Well played guys. Flea of Liquor Snatch and Ghostbitches fame is the new face in hell joining us. I always ave time for her. I take a piss before the game and the guy next to me says good shoot. Is that an omen? We/ll see. We cut to that fucking national anthem and we see the Eagles team first, Pete calls biased, I agree. Pete goes for a fag but opens to door so I can scream if the Sack has a flop or not. No flop but nice beard.


JB tells us the place is packed. He tells us if you want to know what the mood of the stadium is like, go rent Gladiator. As Pete points out is the crowd CGIed? Will Richo drink himself to death and they/ll ave to CGI the rest of his comments for the rest of the game like they did with Oliver Reed on the set of Gladiator? Mind you with Richo that would be better actually. In terms of the mood wouldn/t it be like the last time they played but with a finals vibe? Mind you this crowd gave a standing ovation to a bloke that pretty much committed grievous bodily harm so they pretty much would call for blood. Shag gets a touch, gets another but results in a free due to out on the full. Eagles go 50 but what a tackle from Matrix, that man is all class and fuck you again Mike Sheahan for saying he aint a A grade player. Mid you Mike was never an A grand jurno so it doesn/t matter what he thinks. Samurai to Sidie to Dole Cheque 35 out and we minor for first blood. Eagles kick in which results in a throw in Crisp to Screwdriver mark to the Eagles. JB says there is no wind which upsets me as I watched Richo to bang on bout the Fremantle Doctor, that thing Tony Greig always mentioned. GG says Go Saints. Yeah better luck next year mate. Crisp is pinned throw up. Sack gets the ball out just before he is gone Darce says LeCras is dangerous but he misses. Darce says dangerous all the time, weird as he never was dangerous in his career on field. Free to Trav out of the 50 Sack intercepts a mark off to Screwdriver Samurai to Sier Shag soccers to Dole Cheque but missed everything Eagles take up there end and miss but they score a goal straight away. Darce says that was a statement. What six points? God hes the shits. Shag give shit free, fuck the WA umps are on acid or something, they cant call a game the cunts. Thomas pinned 45 from Eagles goal as we see Bucks aint happy.   A Eagles bloke that has my surname Ryan, and that leads to Richo to talk bout the art of goal kicking and straight kicking. Something Richo made a career of not doing, a bloke that horrified Richmond fans every time he got near the ball.  Howe takes a mark of the year contender but kicks out on the full. JB says that was unnecessary risk as we laugh at that oxymoron, my namesake Ryan goals from a throw as it proves these umps are cunts. Darce says Pies need to score fast as I ask which network executive does he ave pictures of for him to be employed while that rocket scientists Richo says Eagles ave had a fast start? Three goals in fifteen minutes fuck off. We see the class of Matrix with  handball to Trav which results in a goal. Darce says you don/t need to go on bout his class. But he does anyway. 20-8. Eagles player goes off with suspected Hammy issue, Dr Richo is giving us his best analyses. Mate when I want an opinion on spitting the dummy or kicking out on the full i/ll come to you. Eagles go 50 as Samurai punches it over where down to 58 second. Which Darce calles crucial second, as if the rest weren/t. I want BT back


Quarter Time

Collingwood 9

Eagles 21


Eagles go forward but smoother by Sack. God we/ve missed him. Unfortunately kick from Howe to Darling, BUT FUCKS THE KICK UP Thomas to Dole Cheque 40 direct in front. Never in doubt. 22-15. Go forward straight away, really scrappy junkyard dog style footy here, but Brownlow does a dribble kick which ends up with Adams BANG 22-21 as Richo tells us the Eagles won/t like that. 50 straightaway again thanks to Sidie SHAG but no mark. That/s probably his chance for a goal gone. Sidie to Trav 50 to Cox cant mark neither can Aish as my boy the Hyphen has been very quiet tonight and the last few weeks for that matter. Brownlow to Shag but is given 50. We scream the roof ass he goals from the square. 27-22. I run to get a beer and am offered a raffle ticket. Why not. . Later in the evening when the pull the ticket from the beer jug FLEA WINS. Onya love.  Eagles 50 Sack keeps out of bounds Adams crumbs it Stephenson to the Gooster Trav SHAG but nothing. Sack spoils off Kennedy but they still goal. Straight up our end to the Gooster what a goal 33 -29. Eagles goal straight away as Flea says fuck off Eagles. But another quick answer from Dole Cheque  39-35. Straight up Eagles end but Greenwood smoothers it Sidie free but Aish cant mark Dole Cheque off to Trav but slips over Hyphen pinned throw in. Trav goes in the 50 with a out of bounds on the full but Eagles bloke does the same thing. Straight to Stephenson who gets a crucial point to take us within two. . Cox still cant mark but Stephenson says thank your mother for the rabbits as we take the lead into half time. Im loving the boos. Hey, you/ll boo a team for beating the shit blokes you support but yet you/ll give a standing ovation to a bloke who bealted a good kid. Your all cunts. And don/t give me that good bloke or good character shirt. Gaff is a Dickhead for life. Rant over back to the other rant


Half Time

Collingwood 46

Eagles 42

hey kids, here a Mark E Smith pic and quote that has nothing to do with this game.


Im pounding the darts at half time, I throw my butt in the bin and miss for the second time tonight. OMEN. Gerard Healey and David king ave some bullshit wild west backdrop thing as if its the movie show. Gerald Healey talks Adam Simpson, and steals our line of thats what he hears the big bucks for. We laugh. Richo also said more goals means more respect. Useless these people are. GG wants one of the callers to say one of our Balaclava nicknames. I want them to say Scharenberg with the lot and discuss what is in a Scharenberg with the lot. They better say runny egg. Gary Lyon tells us Eagles need to mark more. Sigh, why is he an expect? Cheating on your best mates wife i/ll give it hes an expert on that but not football . Two great tackles on Langdon but Brownlow misses. Kennedy misses. Owen enters and for some reason crouches between me and Pete. Fucking take a seat dude, and don/t talk bout a game two months ago when im focusing on this game. JB screams listen to the crowd but they/ve turned the crowd down so we can be drowned out but this fucking gasbag. GG gets his wish when Darce says Fresh Air. Thomas to Brownlow to Krebbs to Sidie as my boy the Hyphen marks as GG says which order but we got it all pat down. Doesn/t matter as he misses. Matrix to Gooster Greenwood all for nothing leads to stalemate. Sack intercepts again, what class he is off to Adams to Hyphen to Brownlow who scores crucial point. Sier to Adams Cox still is not marking Trav to Screwdriver to Hyphen but Darling beats him. Richo says he needs to kick goals. Free to Hyphen to Sidie high kick to Samurai throw in as Ryan hold but no mark Matrix to Dole Cheque to Admas 40 out. Pete says its a sure thing. The CEO is always right 55-48. JB says Eagles are hanging despite the fact its seven fucking points.  I run to the bar as the Eagles kick a point from a throw in Matrix points as well. Eagles goal but from a shit free again. What a run and hit from Trav prevents a goal as Darce says that was a big ball whatever that means. Crisp is tunneled and given a free. Dog of an act from these cunts. Fleas says hes got it. She of course is right. 62-53. Dole Cheque points Eagles go 50 Howe intercepts Brownlow kicks 50 Eagles mark as its smoko.


Collingwood 63

Eagles 53

Free to Adams but Cox is still not grabbing em as JB informs us Eagles must hit the scoreboard as this fucking annoying Eagles fan sits with his. Hes got a lot of nerve joining us and carrying like he does. He got the message soon and was very quiet for the rest of the game. Kennedy beats the Sack and goes for goal as Richo says there gonna need this for fuck sake. They do get it. JB says ouch. Well you know nothing bout football or broadcasting you better say something I guess. Flea very generously buys us a jug. Eagles fucking goal. Eddie isn/t happy. Hyphen saves another goal up 50 to Cox but hes still broken and not marking. Sack again takes care of Kennedy but he gets a shit free but misses. Thomas to Dole Cheque Sack goes 50 and the Shag soccers again. COX FINALLY MARKS but is nowhere in range for kicking a goal. Maynard G Krebbs passes to the Gooster  30 out drills it 69-67 as they call last drinks Flea very kindly gets another jug. Eagles go 50 and goal and its looking bad. They kick another goal and ive stopped writing.


Game over

Look up the score yourself


After the game me Flea buys us another jug and cry in our beers as we jump on the tram (no on touches on) to see Kim Volkman and the Whisky Priests for a top set. I get a tap on the shoulder and its one of my favourite people Billy Pommer Jr. Great bloke Bill. We head for Dogs after for a nightcap as the landlord Gavin says hope your didn/t cry too much


Hard to know what to make of it all. We played alright, guess was always gonna be a hard trip down west. Or east I don/t fucking know any geography.  The Sack was a massive in yet a lot of blokes went missing. My boy the hyphen has been quiet and blokes like Stephenson and Dole while did bits here and there didn/t ave great four quarter performances. And what the fuck happened to Cox. He did fuck all. The Giants aint gonna be easybeats, im hoping on the fact they cant win on the G on the big stage will be enough for us to get to the prelim. Anyway, onwoods and upwards, I hope. And please can we ave one week without a gate. Please. See yous Saturday at the Balaclava


Posted on

Round 23 v Freo

Now. While the rest of the country was worried bout what the fuck was happening in Canberra I had more important things on my mind, like are the Pies gonna finish top four. What a mess at Parliament House, a bunch of cunts seeing whose dick is the biggest is what this is. A billionaire lost his job to a Christian who claims people who retire and live on a pension are dole bludgers and lock up a bunch of immigrants in an illegal jail. Sure God doesn/t like that. Meanwhile another contender was an ex Queensland Cop. Enough said on that sadist. Meanwhile who was minding the shop? Was someone running the joint? Mad Rad, please reserve me the table out the window of the Balaclava, want to sit there when the world goes down the toilet. Thats my political rant out the way for the year. Oh one more, hey Sir Joh, hows the weather in Hell you piece of shit.


That’s out the way, onto the real issue. Pies are guaranteed finals but must win today to secure at least two games in September. Freo coming off a pantsing will ave something to prove.

While seeing an art expo which involved me moving round very fast and a bunch of art fools walking very slow (this expo also involved a dead giraffe in a glass case, beer that looked awful and security guards giving me the don/t try anything funny look) I get a text from GG informing me hes reserved two tables for us. I could kiss him. I forget if I did. I think I just bowed to him and did the we/re not worthy thing instead. I walk in to see that we got the two tables and we also find the remote. Could this day be any more perfect? Fred enters and GG informs Rose will be the new face in hell joining us. While waiting im reading a two page spread on the Sam Murray issue. Does a line of speed constitute a whole career being flushed down the toilet? Probably not, aving said that what the fuck was he thinking. And on game day. Silly boy. I don/t know that this constitutes a career to end but its hard to ave any sympathy for him, given what has happened to Thomas and Keefe a few years earlier. Hopefully the b sample will prove him in the clear and this warning was the foot up the arse he needed. Or he gives me a call and ill say no speed Sam, just meet me at the Balaclava and buy me a drink.


Pre game I run out for a fag, I raise my head and see Brian Nankervis and he gives the friendly smile only he can provide. Im told this game is going to be Optus Stadium. Did they sack all their workers so they could afford the money to name the stadium? Anyway they bounce the ball and the Shag is already amongst it as Pete enters. We need the sound louder so Pete changes the volume, aside from being the CEO he is the official remote user. Unfortunately he changes the channel as we freak out. We get back to the footy to see Crisp goal and we/re cha cha chaing within twenty second. Dole Cheque is taken by the neck and given a shot for his trouble but can only minor. Cox marks straight away but can only manage a on the full. Freo ave barely touched the ball in the first two minutes. Freo bloke kicks it on the full which leads to Screwdriver aving a shot 15 meters out. Bang we/re hi fiving as GG takes the lights out. Oh and GG is wearing his glasses for 11 weeks in a row. And I brought mine, im going for a twopeat next week. Cox has a run passes off to the Gooster and we/ve kicked three in three minutes. Dunstall takes time to tell us that the Pies are on fire. Langdon gives Freo a point with a rush, as we demand the Shag kick a goal. Sidie off to the Matrix off to Varco but cant win the contest. Sier smoothers off to Cox, 40 out, as the commentators mention Cox is hard to beat because hes so tall. Well thats what happens when your seven foot tall. Its as if they think we/re all deadshits and we cant figure out a very tall bloke will usually win most contests. Unfortunately he shanks it and misses the lot. The shag is round but does nothing. Sidie to Aish to Freo bloke and they get a major for fuck sake. Varco off to the Hyphen whose pinned, my boys had a quite few weeks. Maybe hes resting for finals. Theres a freo bloke that sounds like Bukowski, anyway he goals as some rude prick stands in front of the tv. Also another prick stand in front of the tv later on, some knob from the front bar who screams go tigers when he has one foot in the door to the public bar. Its the adult version of ringing a door bell and running way. Anyway that guys is a cunt. Not because hes a Richmond fan, he just aint a bloke you cant trust. Freo gets another one, as the commentator tells us that the pies kicked three and now freo ave kicked three, he also tells us its game on. I swear these blokes aint even trying. Im sure hes just sitting in the front bar of the Balaclava and just spits out some crap from his phone. Maynard G Krebbs good hit, free for dropping, as Fred tells us he saw our mate, Mr Soccer, aka the Butcher outside the Dominos on Chappell St saying its free pizza day. You couldn/t pay me enough to eat that shit. Free pizza and hot crust buns months after Easter, you need help Butcher. Shit act from Fyfe sees him get a kick and one of our blokes goes off for the blood rule and Freo takes the lead. Crisp to Thomas Smoother from Freo forward Langdon cant win as Freo go five points up. Samurai takes mark of the year, but thats it


Quarter Time

Collingwood 20

Freo 32


As we take smoko Rose enters, and Keith is here with Sophie, with the comfy chairs from the lounge. They kicked him out because some poor fools wanted to watch the rugby union. Oh the poor suckers watching that toilet of a game. Restart Maynard G Krebbs from Sier no mark from Dole Cheque hyphen to Screwdriver Varco cant tackle, free to Freo, Freo from 50 but Screwdriver marks Cox mark of the year but he looks for the Shag. He cant find him so instead he just kicks it through the big sticks. Which by the way means six points. 32-27. Shag gets the balls straight away but the kick is smothered, Screwdriver to Crisp Dole Cheque to Adams Matrix kicks to a three on one, Samurai tap to Matrix again but no ones home in the forward line. Dog act from Freo should be 50 but we get nothing as Freo goes 50 but thankfully no ones in the square.GG Says no pies. Yeah you/ll get yours GG. Just watch your glasses at book club on Monday. Ballantyne  kicks a goal and gives it to the Pies fans,. Hey Hayden what the fuck you doing September? Watching us win game while your at home? Don/t forget to cha cha cha after every goal. This Bukowski bloke is on fire as he kicks a goal. Given how much piss the original Bukowski sunk down I think we should drug test this one. Mind you in his books he seemed to ave lost most of the fights he got into, something to think of later on if he continues this form. We cut to Ross Lyon, as mentioned in the last freo rant Fred and Pete reckons he sounds like a Muppet, while I say he sounds like the adults in Peanuts. Waw waw waw. No mam yes mam that thing. Freo bloke has shot as Rose says Chewy on the boot and he misses. Onya Rose. Not only did he miss he missed the lot. Fucking Bukowski has another shot. Fred says miss miss cocky piss and it works again. Hyphen to the Gooster to the Matrix from 25 and we/re cha cha chaing 42-33. The caller tells us that was an important goal, as if the others wheren/t. Straight away the Matrix kicks off to Stephenson this is more like it. 42-39. Screwdriver straight to Freo bloke Langdon goes for mark of year but hes no good. And for his trouble Langdon cops a finger in the eye. I actually thought a figure in the eye is a good thing, but Dunstall corrects me and tells us thats no fun. Both teams go in there 50 in the last minute as its fresh air time.


Half Time

Collingwood 39

Freo 42


Out the back of the pub we do the quiz. Pete goes false. The question is asked which two Fake Magpie players where all Australian last year and I say who gives a fuck which gets 5 million points. Fred says 50 Shades to which Pete says Gray and I bounce with Robbie. I also get Singapore correct to whatever the fuck the question was.  Viv and Gordon both enter. We walk in to see Dole Cheque gives us the lead as we scream TV shows that are now dole classics, i.e. everybody loves Raymond and shows always on during the day. I want Get Smart back on. Bernie two legs enters, one of my favs, always ave time for him. As the poor saps watching the rugby are upset. I think it was because we turned the volume up. Mad Matty is standing in the door way, wearing a Macho Man Randy Savage t shirt, screaming his shirt is black and white no color. Onya Matty. Freo go 50 marked by Langdon to the Shag off to Varco on the full. We ask Viv what she would tell the tem. She says Win Win Win. Cant argue that strategy. Freo bloke has another shot Rose again says chewy on the boot as he again misses the lot. Bunch of stoopid basketball handballs from Freo leads to a turn over. Dole Cheque marks off to the Shag, who Rose christens him Napoleon Dynamite. Hmm didn/t think of that. Im sticking with the Shag. Anyway the Shag fails to make the distance as that fucking dirty old man Bukowski goals. GG says lucky Ross Lyon aint taught Freo how to kick goals otherwise we/d be in trouble. True, and also the fact no one can understand whats he saying. We see Ross in the box drinking a gatorade but he probably wanted a coffee but given a gatorade due to no one understanding him. I swear these WA umpires are awful due to the shit frees given and theres plenty as the Samurai is given one again even though he was pushed. We ave a shot but miss, Gordon says thats not very Richmondesque which the commentators where saying last week every second word. SHAG MARKS off to the Gooster but he fails due to fucking three eon one. SHAG AGAIN but out on full as Dunstall says Freo will win if, wait for it. If they hit targets. Brilliant. Someone scores a point, my notes fail me as to who it was. I wrote Bucks aint happy which is no surprise.

Three Quarter time

Scores leveled (I failed to write what the score was sorry)


Freo take the lead with a point but pissfarting round from us sees Bukowski ave the ball but Straight to Adams to Dole Cheque, hes hit umps ball. Rush from Sidie sees the scores square again. Free to Cox but for the fucking tenth time today we kick to a three on one. Shit bloke Ballantyne scores. Cunt ref pins Hyphen for holding despite the fact he handballed it. Free to Crisp to Cox no mark. Hyphen to Stephenson no Mark Sidie dribble kick just the one point. 64-57. Soccer from Cox to Sier Thomas to Dole Cheque GOAL 65-63. Im amazed none of the commentators said they needed that. Straight away Dole Cheque goals again WE TAKE THE LEAD 69-65. Fyfe misses as the Pies faithful give it to him. Freo go 50 but a great run from Adams prevents him doing anything. GG says Richmondesque, but Fred corrects with Collingwoodesque as Jen enters. Sier cant mark Hyphen soccers  straight to Freo bloke as Bukowski has another shot. Rose again does the chewy on the boot and again he missed the lot. We/re you been the whole time Rose? Free to Matrix great tackle from Screwdriver Cox runs hard off to Sier but hes pinned, Freo ave ball shit kick sees Aish smoother off to Thomas and its 10 points the margin 76-66. GG asks if im gonna call it with 90 seconds to go. With 45 seconds I write game over on my notes and thats it



Collingwood 76

Freo 67


After the game GG puts the lights back in as Jen asks who Matrix and GG are. Rose and i discuss what we rather wish for, Eagles in Perth or Richmond at the G for the first week of finals. Me and Bernie also rip into the blokey culture of footy clubs and why they need to move with the times. Oh and Australia lost Rugby, ah thats a shame my arsehole bleeds for the people that support that idiotic game.


Not the best of wins, more like a get out of jail, but a wins a win and with the double chance locked in its the result we wanted. Lot of blokes where MIA, don/t know if there resting or they didn/t pay respect to their opponents.

FINALS. So good to say that, the Eagles is a winnable game, hopefully the Sack will return and maybe even Brownlow. But the big question is what the fuck are we gonna do bye week? Number 96 movie again.


Anyway will discuss at book club tonight.


And finally we bid farewell to one of the greats of the modern erA. Im sorry, but it doesn/t matter how good Brendon Goddard was, he/ll forever be known as angry man, and that beautiful pointed finger he had. And who can forget pretzel gate. Will miss you BJ.

See yous at the Balaclava in two week.




Posted on

Grand Final vs Eagles part 2

Now. Part one of the story ended with our heroes 12 points up at the main break. After a fresh air break that was like circle work with the amount of times we had to pass it to the left hand side I find my seat and brace myself for what is to come. I thought a Suns player won the grand final sprint but turns out was someone from a different club. Damn, the sprint is pretty much the only silverware the Sun are ever gonna win. They truly are fucked. The Gold Coast aint suffered this much since the days of that cunt Sir Joh, who I look forward to pissing on when I get to hell.  Im a fucking nervous wreck, I wish I did get heroin. As the bounce is bout to start Fred tells me to get on to the shoehorn to crush kill destroy McGovern. Game starts JFK marks 40 out. Fucking goal six point game.  Adams smoothers the kick from the square Samurai scoops it kicks high ball to the Shag handballs to Langdon kicks to the Screwdriver, Eagles coming, runs it over for a throw. Adams held free to Samurai AGAIN COX CANT MARK Trav manages to grab the pill kick to Dole Cheque who tries Cox again and gives us another drop mark. He needs to lift this quarter. Eagles to Dole Cheque, he tries Cox again. FINALLY YES.  30 out, I love that American Pie. 45-33. HI 5 time, we raise our hands high in the air for the big American. GG gives our effort a 4 outta 10. Ball ends in the Eagles end Langdon fucks up the mark, probably the only mistake hes made all day, but he still gets the ball and kicks in the back of Coxs head, Dole Cheque somehow ends up with the ball high ball, Langdon stands tall but the Eagles are too string , they fucking get six points. Straightaway Samurai wins the tap to Brownlow handballs to the Gooster Adams feeds the goal 51-39. Eagles ave a shot we get the chewy on the boot rose has trusted us with and it proves good as they miss. Cox still cant mark passes off to Krebbs the Shag is giving brilliant pressure as Ryan is held. Brownlow kicks to Eagles bloke, kicks to a contest, Cox punches to Sier kicks to a contest too which leads to a throw in, as we see Scott Morrison on the box, much like Julie Bishop he gets a right royal booing from the two pubs at the Balaclava. Hmm while both got an awful reception, Julie got the worse. Doesn/t matter, there both cunts. Shag gets to ball from a hit out kicks to eagles bloke, who kicks out and payed deliberate to us. Fred says there is a god. Free to the Hyphen Sidie takes two on one Thomas to the Gooster misses 52-40. Tez says next goal is important.  Im just waiting for BT to say the Eagles need the next two goals. Aww he doesn/t. Darling marks goal back to six points. Shag to Aish Dole Cheque cant hold Eagles pick up misses five point game. Cox to Trav Eagles intercept, Bruce says the Eagles are coming. They always where coming Bruce. Seriously, just retire. Please go away. Eagles kick to other Eagles, Adams pushes, and the runner gets in the way. Adams is livid. Now people ave called this a crucial point in the game and a what if? Look, there was a big distance between Adams and the Eagles bloke, it looked like he had little chance of actually getting the ball. And with a quarter to go lets not dwell on this. Anyway they score pies down by two. Round this time Nat McGuane spills beer on my notes, and given it was two weeks ago im not even gonna try and remember what happed. My notes say scores leveled at three quarter time so ill go with that. The beer on my notes was my beer, Nat said shed buy me a new one. She never did. And our great mate Bernie Two legs enters


Three quarter time


Collingwood Eagles 55 apiece.


That smoko was the longest five minutes of my life. Not sure I want to go back in. Outstanding start Dole Cheque to the Gooster bang five point lead. NOW THIS IS WHERE MY NOTES FAIL ME. Eagles point, Goosters ducks eagles post Langdon Samurai Cox. Not sure what happened I just wrote those names down in order. Darling is held Eagles mark 50 out Shag marks on the square. Dole Cheque pinned but gets it out Samurai is also held Krebbs passes to Cox marks 40 out Its a low kick looks shit but somehow goals 73-62. Sier is held Ryan passes to JFK , HES ON A TIGHT ANGLE NAILES IT BACK TO FIVE POINTS, AS Julie Bishop gets another royal whack. Cox beaten in the 50 Eagles mark leads to a throw in. Richo says marks aint everything. Again like Bruce just retire. BT says people don/t know which way its going this game. I think its his clever way of saying its anyones game. Darling drops the mark right in front of goal leads to a rush. My notes let me down, in summary Eagles chip away with points and kicks to Collingwood players, but every kick we had in the Eagles 50 for ten minutes we just kicked to the Eagles, we can by a fucking target. Adams has the ball in out 50 with minutes to go but the kick is smothered. Eagles take ball up, Krebbs charges but Ryan gets in the way with a Shepard. Goal. And ill leave the game at that.


With two minutes to go I know we aint gonna win I just wanna get the fuck out and smoke. But I figure be a good sport and watch the game out. I do, Fred and Jackie make the deflated balloons noise. I walk out. Some mutual fans offer me condolences on the walk out the door I nod and be polite but really I just want to be alone. Brad lovely aunt, the lone Eagles fan is near the door. Shes happy as she should be, I offer my congratulations. She tells me she has had a wonderful day and thanks us all for making it happen. While im gutted its nice to hear words like that. Win or loss we always come together and ave a laugh and beer after the game. Its why I love this game you can bear your heart n soul scream and lay abuse at the telly but at the end, W or L life goes on and mates are always there. Thats something that lasts longer than a Saturday arvo game of footy.


Me Pete and Gordon ave our heads down while aving a dart. Some stoopid man tells us we need a Rioli. I say yeah good onya and he quickly walks away. Pete tells us thats why he earns no bucks. After the game GG kindly offers a beer, while I throw the water ballons I was planning on throwing after the game on the bar which I offer to Sarah who looks at me if ive gone mad. While we didn/t get the result I ave loved this day. Brad comes over for a hug and tells me we played well and was one of those games one team was lucky the other was unlucky. Again I talk with his aunt, such a beautiful soul, very blessed to meet her. The Randtsa and Dave walk in for a quick beer then its off to Johnnys for the Hanks for a ripping night. As I walk home I hug Fred and he tells me hes seen so many 12 Grand finals losses two draws and two wins, today will make the next win even better. Bernie Two Legs possibly gave us the best compliment ever, saying we brought Collingwood to St Kilda.


The next day me and the two Bernies over many red bottle of wine dissect the game and look forward to next season


But on Saturday night walking home, as I walk down Tennyson Street  I see some guy in a suit. We look at each other. I don/t trust this guy. He crosses the road to my side, I want to avoid him so I cross to his side. We meet halfway on the road. He says the magic words. Want some fresh air? This man is not someone I should ave crossed the road to avoid. Hes been to the game and we Annelyse what went right and wrong. Basically everything I wrote above in a five minute walk. He tells me if I know the Blue Lagoon. Its a house on Tennyson which is the living quarters of Azz and Bray, two lovely fellas who are always out the front of the place and ave always welcomed me in for a beer. Me and my new friend enter. As we greet our hosts they ask the beer question I say thanks but im just saying hello. They offer me a traveler. How can I say no? I neck the beer and leave it on a wobbly set of bricks. As I walk away and hear the Corona bottle smash on the concrete, a simple jester of beer and air, one from mates and another from a stranger, shows all that is good in the world and humanity can be alright when it wants to be, and despite the result I was surrounded by the best mates a miserably nihilist like me can ave. these people, all good souls that look after their mates and even make me see there is good in the world. Im very blessed to ave spent the day with these people, couldn/t ave asked for a better crew to kill an arvo sinking piss and watching footy. They give me a lot of joy hope I give em some too. Even the Ransta after his Anti Collingwood smack talk on the facecrock during the week was nice seeing him.


We didn/t get the result, the Eagles where just too good, but to come from nowhere and make the final and get so close, with every bloke giving it all, they did me proud. And I saw a lot of anti Collingwood shit on the facebook after the game, but mostly from people who wheren/t even Eagles fans, just jealous cunts who wished they could go for us. Well done to the Eagles you played a great game, but despite the result i/ll look back on this as one of the best days had.


Onya to GG for booking the room, cheers to Gav for cooking the party pies, jeers for not cooking the little boys.


I ave more to rant on and more to mention, but it/ll ave to wait for the end of season rant. And since it is end of seaon, it/ll come, when im asked, or when the Balaclava acknowledge its Petes birthday.

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Prelim Final v Richmond

Jeez, don/t mean to sound like a broken record but never thought the Pies would make it this far.  After a top performance against the Giants we face the reigning champs. They/ve already knocked us off twice this year but held our own for three quarters both times. This time we ave in my mind our best 22 on the field, and the Sack has been in outstanding form in September after missing the year. While we did go three quarters last two times I believe its a different team with new attitude and outlook. As our CEO Pete has said all season we just want to see our best team on the field against the Tigers for four quarters. Win loss or draw whatever, we/ll just see where we are at. We got our best so hopefully we can bring it. Speaking of the best, im hoping for the best crew tonight at the Balaclava,  with Linda already aving reserved tables for us in the bistro. I cant remember a game I was more excited and nervous bout, if anything im dying to get to the siren. Its a good thing the bar in the bistro is open but its shit craft beer. I need to walk into the public bar for a Vic, I cant work as a qualified football reporter under these circumstances. Wonder if Hunter S Thompson went through this pain when he started as a sports reporter. Wonder if he had to deal with low sound and light bulbs being too bright?


After doing my prerecorded segment for Southern FMs Up the Bracket with Terina and Helen of Los Dominados, I run to Middle Brighton station to get the train to the Balaclava. Its fucking late and the lady on the speaker gives us the riot act on the smoking laws. I.e. you cant smoke anywhere within 100 meters of a train or some shit law like that. Cunts. To add insult to injury she ends the announcement by saying go tigers. Finally a train comes and GG greats me hello, as is Bernie Terry Lana Pete, and me dear mate Jo, returned from here overseas trip. Theres a deadshit who drinks at the Bala who when walking into the Public Bar screams go Tigers when hes in the safety of the other room. His name doesn/t deserved to be named, not because hes a Tigers fan because he is a right royal cunt who fucked with mates of mine, again his name don/t deserved to be mentioned, so Cuntface i/ll call him from now on. GG informs me Cuntface told our host Linda that she should put tissues on the table for us after the game. Oh I so want to win. Just to spite this evil dick. This bloke also had the nerve to call his trivia team Back to back the other week. He won thanks to Google. As a mental hurt (Not my words, keep reading to see which other flog came up with that) me and GG called our team the next week the Dust Busters, in reference to the Sun front page on Wednesday. Anyway back to back, minus cuntface went down, so im hoping to finish the week with two wins and shut him up.


Im at the table with a few minutes to go talking to Lana jo Bernie and Terry. I needed em as im a fucking wreck and need calm as Gordon enters. Five minutes to the bounce no sigh of our fearless leader Fred. GG says fag break. Im like ive already had one to get me through to quarter time, he gives me a look that says dude. Hes right. Smoko five minutes before the game. I could smoke for the Olympics im that nervous. With two minutes to go walking down the street i see Horsie, and his owner, Fred. We got the full team tonight. We skip the national anthem for a fag. Hey we/re standing. And with dickheads like Latham Jones and Hanson bullying a schoolchild for not standing for the anthem even more reason to skip it. Fags in the bin we enter for the bounce. On the bounce GG takes out a light bulb which gets the biggest ovation of the night. Stephenson goes 50 but Hyphen cant mark. Tigers take it straight there end to Jack who missed. Good. Screwdriver to Gooster off to Krebbs but comes back due to cunt free against the Gooster. Greenwood marks in the 50, off to the Sack, Hyphen, Langdon to Brownlow, intercept but Tigers pinned for something as Rose enters with Krebbs rushing for a tigers minor. Cox marks Trav kicks in Thomas/ direction to the Gooster 35 on an angle beautiful drop of the ball sees us off and running. 6-3. Re start Adams beautiful tap to Cox who taps to Dole Cheque 40 out, unlucky. 7-3. Rioli runs down Dole as Bruce asks that great man Duck Carey something to which Duck says the tigers love the ball in there 50. Awful man awful caller. Seriously why is a dickhead that has shown no remorce on tv. But hey, great player. Cunt. I call it. ANYONES GAME. The Sack towels up Riewoldt Sier scoops the loose ball off the Hyphen, Langdon lucky to ave not been pinned enters the 50 but Dole Cheque is still being held, Shag comes in handball to Trav BANG. 13-3. WITH ME Jo Fred Pete and Gordon do our hi 5 and cha cha its ghard work. Bernie end GG always aving to move their heads and beers. We cut top a live cross from Margret Court Arena seeing all these pies fans there. As Tez mentions why not be there at the ground or at a pub. I find those live sites very strange, as Col joins us. Also  one of my favourite people the Mickster enters. Hes got a gig at the Lyrebird with the Fiction also with great Pies man Rob. Micks a Tigers man so hes in enemy, but friendly territory tonight. Jack has a shoot, as Bruce keeps banging on to the left to the left as if thats good as he misses. He is a goose. More enter, with Port Melbourne legend James, Margo and Brad. Im glad to see them all as Brad kisses me on the head. I ask of that was the kiss of death but he said he was just happy to see me. He says the best things. Adams kicks short to the 50 but no ones home. The Butcher Steve takes a seat in front of Pete and GG and Fred but is quickly shouted down and moves. Al also made the mistake of sitting near those guys with his chair faced to them. Silly move. Howe stopes an inside 50, kicks to Aish who takes on two Richmond players Screwdriver just gets a kick before being chased down but to dead space the kick goes. Brownlow too late as Rioli scoops, Howe on the 50 line to Adams to Sidie Stephenson round the back to Trav Adams to Thomas back to Trav who/ll lave a kick 40 out. Again Rance was fucking useless. Misses 14-9. Rachael enters, one of the sweetest souls I know. Which is nice as these rants ave nothing sweet bout em. Sidie has a run off to Crisp 30 kicks beautifully. 20-9. As Lingy says Tigers need to take chances. Tigers go 50 but the Sack makes sure nothing happens as COX MARKS. Hes been in poor form last few weeks so we need a big one from him. Samurai puts body on the line to take out two players but given a shit soft free. Razor Ray would ave let that go. Get the ball back straight away Dole Cheque to Screwdriver Tez says the Shag is BOG. The card we gave him, a Freo one of the Shag, during the week is an omen, Gooster goals as our hi 5s are all over the place 32-9. Richo claims the Tigers need to lift. With his shit kicking I doubt he ever got em to lift, if anything the Tigers would ave deflated if he was still on the field.


Quarter time

Collingwood 32

Richmond 9


Mickster says this will be turning point for the tigers this quarter. Lets see. The Shag is everywhere Howe stops another entry in the 50 Sidie to Matrix Adams Gooster soccers to Cox back to Gooster  COX MARKS again. This time 35 out. Hes usually safe in front and this is no exception. 38-9. We raise our hands high in the air for the hi 5s as more messiness prevails. GG mentions the rooms is full of smoke as we/ve turned the bistro into the Public Bar. Lingy says Tigers need a goal. I cant even be bothered insulting him. Trav gets a free off to Adams Brownlow kicks but misses 39-9.. Tigers holding Adams gets free 70 out as he finds Cox 15 out. No way hes missing that as hes going for a threepeat 45-9. Shag to Sidie pinned as Langdon wonders over to the ball but tigers to quick, Jack is all over Greenwood as Greenwood is given a kick for Jacks shit behavior. Amazingly he hasn/t moaned to the umps once yet. Bruce says this is remarkable as Pete tells him to shut up. Lingy says for the Pies to win they need to all contribute. Lets put that to the test. Cox playing by himself against Richmond, see if Lingys right, lets see if he can win by himself or if he needs contributors. Matrix is given a free. Hes looking for big Cox, and gets him. The unthinkable. COX THREEPEAT as I chant USA USA USA 51-9. Jack has a shot as Rose does her chewy on your boot. It falls just short as Samurai taps, the Shag grabs but kick smothered. Rance does something with a handball but they miss 51-10. Tigers again go 50 but the Sack intercepts, the pressure is immense this game as Chopsticks Martin is crying. Probably over his daddy. Rance has a kick and gets the respect he deserves from the fans. And for his trouble kicks out on the full. Dole Cheque goes 50 Hyphen cant hold as we get a replay of Dusty being held. Out 0f nowhere Crisp goals and my jaw is on the floor from what im witnessing. 57-11. Go straight up forward, shit bloke Rance holds the Gooster. He moans to the umpire. Cry bitch cry, Gooster goals as this is a perfect half we/re seeing 64-11. The hi 5s are getting more crammed as I feel a hand on my band and its that of Nat McGuane she also cant believe this. I love her cousin Mick but he was wrong in his predictions in the Sun. Sack destroys 17 we/re given em nothing. Max Caddy kicks but Sidie marks but shit free given to the tigers but there kick is even shitter. As Riewoldt is on the line grabs the ball is pinned and cant put foot to ball as the ball is rushed over. GIVE EM NOTHING. Last few minutes ave all been the Tigers but the pressure has kept em at bay. They cant even start a gate at the Balaclavia, thats how bad they are. Anyway they get a goal with seconds to go and are celebrating like there booked a place next week despite the fact its only there second goal of the half. Mick says that s turning point as its smoko.


Half Time

Collingwood 64

Richmond 20


We discuss what the fuck we just saw. No way the Tigers are  sticking to the same game plan. We/ll see if we can hold on


thanks to Bernie for the pics

Walking back in Max Gawn is doing those fucking ads. Hey Max, did Google predict you wouldn/t kick a goal in the first half tomorrow?  Get a text from Rob saying fuck yeah as Tez very graciously gives me back my seat. Top fella. Jack goals straightaway as Bruce says that was good, but BT reminds us its a long way back. We get a good restart of our own as the Gooster marks 45 out but can only get a single. 65-26. Shit umps give a useless free. Want Razor back. But free goes straight to Cox 65 out. He plays on Dole Cheque to Gooster Langdon BANG BANG 71-26. Cunt Carey says Cox set the game up by taking marks. I joke that Lingy and Richo on TV but really why is Duck on the box he really is a piece of shit. Tigers hold Sier despite not aving the ball, free to Cox,. Hes 25 out. A threepeat. Unheard of. But he misses with an awful kick. Chopsticks gets a mark. finally. So does jack. Hes the only reason there still in the game. Rosie does her Chewy on the boot but no good as we still hold a 40 point lead. GG brings up the Dust Busters trivia team as Waz says 50 points up, I mention its 40 as he said what am I an accountant? as he goes to the bar. Krebbs marks in the 50 Shag runs round Sack to Crisp Adams to the Gooster Sier but Chopsticks marks in the square. Greenwood is too late as Jack marks. GG says this is a game of two halves. Rose says it’s a game of four quarters. Grundy is given a free as Pete asks what is happening to his manbun, its more down the head. Its now just a ponytail. I say Langdons was too much competition for him. Shag to Aish Stephenson is held. BT says Tigers aint going home. Well it is their home ground so they are already are home. Dumb fuck. Bruce says the Tigers need to get through the Collingwood maze as Pete calls him a goose again. Matrix goes 50 to Dole Cheque has a run kicks yours truly 78-33. Aish takes tigers bloke they sook like the cheer squad. Boo all you want. Im loving this. Tigers go 50 but Langdon marks Brownlow is pinned as Bucks aint happy. Bruce says Tigers need 2 or three goals. Want an useless twat. Why not ten? Three goal aint given em the lead Bruce. Scrappy ball leads to a throw in Tigers kick out on the full. Sidie marks out of the 50, Howe pinned for holding, and hes limping. Fuck. Matrix intercepts the 50 attack, Screwdriver tackle over the line as great run from Adams ruined by shit handball. They ave another shot and do better this time. 78-39. Bruce says another 101 of not even football commentary just common scene by saying the Tigers need to keep the scoreboard turning. Its basically a different way of saying they need more goals and he hopes we don/t pick up on that. Trav rushes ball over to make it an even 40 point lead.  Jack beats the sack Need Rose and her Chewy on the boot to work Bruce says Richo knows something bout goal kicking. What being a fuck up at it? He wish he was as good as Jack. BT says another goal would be a mental hurt. BT your whole commentary is an mental hurt to everyone that listens to your shit. Mickster goes to the bird for the Fiction gig. Adams and Samurai wind down the clock as one more fag before we find out if we got another week.


Three quarter time


Collingwood 79

Richmond 46

Jack gets a goal to start as we see Howe running on the bench Cox falls down as Bucks aint happy. BT says it was the first time Bucks came out of his seat. What bout quarter time and half and the one that comes after that when he went to the ground and rooms?. He really is a mental hurt. Not as much as Richo whose still talking bout the art of goal kicking. The mans a Muppet Sidie taken down and the Sack is being held as we get a bounce. Cox cant grab from the tap shit free for ducking. Results in goal as Tigers are pushing, we see Eddie on the phone and then Bucks on the phone. Hmmm.  Cox marks handballs to Sidie punches over to Samurai Matrix to the Gooster as we get a bit more breathing space.85-58 the table goes crazy as Nat McGuane joins us, Tez and I hug as does Brad who calls it. Jo has also called it. Im just sitting on it for now. Screwdriver dives and punches to the 50 Adams collects Screwdriver has a pin just falls short Cox pulls it over the line. Thrown in Samurai taps to himself kicks goal of the night 91-58. Brownlow kicks the last for the night. And with six minutes to go im calling it. I write game over on me notes and gets a great ovation but got an even bigger ovation when I pull out the shoehorn. Owen is here, last time we played the tigers he joined us five minutes before the game finished, sat down said nothing and when the siren sounded pulled out a tigers poster to brag. Gotta say I don/t mind that from someone who cheered for the whole game but when someone just rolls up, its shit form. He even admitted he only got back into the game last year, as the Tigers come good. So a bandwagoner too. Anyway I stop writing and just enjoy the last five minutes



Collingwood 98

Richmond 58


After the game we go for smoke, a Tigers fan is upset, I say thanks for coming. GG and Brad tell me to be humble in victory and im better than that. They of course are always right. Was shit from form me. Mind you there are plenty of Tigers fans that are so arrogant they need a good coming down to earth, Cuntface for one. Jo buys me Pete Gordon and Rose a shot, as I tell Nat I love her cousin dearly but he got his prediction wrong. Love ya Mick but you fucked up. Lana drives us to the Bird for meet up with Rob to embrace the victory. Brilliant night all round


All these great players Chopsticks Martin and the “full back of the century” Rance did fuck all. Dusty was injured but I never saw the deal in Race. Overrated. Jack did keep em in the game till the fourth quarter. He played a ripper, but it wasn/t enough.  Going into this season I thought if we could finish 9th I would ave been happy with that and considered it an improvement, but to be playing off for the flag, no one could ave predicted this. I myself was concerned in the decision in resigning Bucks last year but its paid off. The boys love him and are playing for him.


We played a ripper game but unfortunately so did the Eagles. Im not betting the farm but we are a chance. If we can stop those two talls up forward you never know. Dicko texted saying we need to play Chopper Reid. Tempting as that is who goes out?

My mate Teresa tells me from being there last year as a Richmond fan to enjoy the week. I will and we did yesterday at the Bolwo me Fred GG and Dave Last.

Anyway, one more rant to go, lets see what happens, gonna need to get on heroin to get through the week. See you during the week at Book Club.



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Spencer P Jones –Sobering Thoughts

What can you say about Spencer P Jones that would do the mans musical legacy justice? The amount of bands the man played in would be well into double figures, and the amount of musicians that ave graced the stage or studio with him would be pushing three figures, and of course all the young musos he encouraged and bands that got a little extra rub aving his name on their poster or LP sleeve. Combining elements of punk, garage, country, blues and dirty rock n roll, Spencers life and career was that of a true rock n roll warrior. No list of great Australian songwriters or guitarists is complete unless his name in any top ten list.

Thinking of all the bands and LPs the man produced its so hard to think of a favourite, but its even harder to think of any bad songs or records, because I don/t think he ever did one. While he played with so many great bands its always the solo stuff that I come to first. Most people the solo stuff is considered secondary to whichever band made em famous, but the bands that featured Spencer P Jones up front was where we saw how good he was. While he did incredible work before he went solo, up front, with that voice, guitar and song writing skills, was where you saw what a triple threat he was. Again while its hard to pick a favourite, for me the LP that has gotten the most playing in my stereo has been 2010s Sobering Thoughts.

His vocals are incredible on this. He may not ave been a singers singer but the shear emotion in his voice is something you can/t learn, its something you ave to feel. When he sings I hate to see you cry you know he means it. Its an LP of heartbreak disappear and fun. Unfortunately only by bogans.

Bouquet of Flowers – A stable of the Escape Committees live set, a short punk meets blues number, which ace slide guitar from Kim Volkman, nice little happy short foot tapper to start.

(What Can I Do to) Change your mind- One of the few songs that makes me cry. For me this song contained his best riff and the solo at the end is brutal after hearing the words spit out. The line you want your life I don/t want mine feels like a kick in the teeth.

Trust –Never again will I place my trust in you is one of the lines in this song. No idea if this is an autobiographical song but the way in which Spence delivers that line you can tell he means it. Again you can/t fake that

I Hate to See you Cry- Title says it all. Love the added use of violin with a classic Jones guitar lick.

Have Some Faith – Best track of the LP for me. When he sings bout hanging with village barflys and tragic men you know hes been round the characters he is describing. He wasn/t some guy that read a Bukowski short story comp and wrote a song bout it. He was a the dive joints he was sounding,

China Doll- if I play my guitar will you fall for me. Killer line that, and with the way he played anyone who say that great man feel under his spell.

Show I Care – Ace Beasts of Bourbon Style riff to start, like to think he wrote this for the band themselves but thought nah fuck it im keeping it for my own band.

The Bogans- Sigh. Unfortunately Spencer was right. The Bogans ave all the fun. Nice little piece of social commentary and humour. Mind you some of the references im not sure are true in 2018. Do Bogans still wear ugg boots? And are sandmans the car of choice? I really don/t give a fuck what the answer is. But mentions of footy and five Cougars are still relevant and hilarious.

Dancing Barefoot- Cracking cover of the Patti Smith classic. One of the last lines Spencer sings on the LP is oh god I fell for you. What a powerful way to end the LP.

As mentioned the man never made a dud LP, but in a highly incredible career this would be close to his finest work. It sounds like the music blasting out of a smoky St Kilda jukebox and three in the morning. The Escape Committee was a cracking outfit that completed SPJs style and sound.

A one off unique personality and musician, one that we/ll never see again. Its been said a lot recently, but Spence thanks for showing us a real cool time. Thanks.

RIP Spencer x

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UFC 229 Khabib vs. McGregor

Now. Since football season is over I thought id ave a go covering other sports for Freds site. I certainly don/t claim to be an expert in sports, fuck im hardly an expert in football, so against my better judgement im gonna cover/rant on the UFC, and what a card to start a rant on. UFC 229, featuring their most anticipated main event in ages, Conor McGregor after two years out of the sport taking on lightweight champion Khabib Nurmagomedov.  These two really hate each other and has an old school professional wrestling build up. Back in April McGregor attacked a bus, yes a bus, with Khabib and his teammates inside. Two where badly hurt, McGregor punched a UFC official and faced criminal charges. McGregors punishment from UFC? A title match of course. See kids be a cunt and you too will go unpunished as long as your the money maker for the brand. He has a bit mouth on him and hope the Russian will shut him up.

Ive always loved boxing and wrestling as far as I can remember, but UFC I came late to. I first heard of it when UFC legends Ken Shamrock and Dan Severn where in the WWF. Later I watched their second UFC fight which saw them dance for twenty minutes before a punch was thrown. Not the best introduction to MMA. When Brock Lesnar left WWF to join their heavyweight division I was keen to see more. Then he lost his first fight and I lost interest. Then he became heavyweight champion, but what got me back was after one of this victories he got on the mic, with the crowd booing the shit outta him, saying there trash, hes gonna drink a beer (I forget the brand but it was the one that is not a UFC sponsor) and would go down on his wife. UFC had a pro wrestling heel, this man didn/t give a fuck bout anyone or anything, he was a wrestling bad guy except he meant every word. when he told the fans to get fucked he meant it, I was excited and been a fan ever since. My only other time covering UFC was in these rants, when I asked Mad Rad who won the title fight and he replied the big cunt. Given it was a heavyweight fight he wasn/t wrong. The other time was UFC 225 when I just kept commentating on Yoel Romeros tight shorts and how big his cock was. So ill try and keep my mind outta the gutter and focus on the actual fights.

I arrive at the Balaclava at some time, im not sure due to this fucking daylight savings. The clock radio says one thing the phone says another. I think ill do what Kramer says and just look at the sun and guess. Or its time to go home when the 30th fag hits the gob. Unlike last weekend where I was a fucking wreck due to the grand final, this week im relaxed and happy to see me dear mate and just looking forward to a fine card. Chrisi is loving today shes got this and Bathurst to watch. She happy James Courtney is out

Joe Rogan says this is a culture event and international event and a million other events. Joe describes it as the Irish Gorilla vs a bloke that wrestled bears when he was a kid. If that doesn/t get people to buy this PPV I don/t know what will. I do really fucking love this pub the Balaclava. This is the perfect place to watch sport. I enjoy Joe Rogans commentary but with friends like Alex Jones and Anthony Cumia im a bit sceptical of him.

Chrisi pulls up a BBC article seven things we need to know bout the fight. Fact one is its Conors first fight in two years, and five other facts I already knew. There is one fact I didn/t know and that’s the fight is on 5:30AM UK time. Yeah thanks BBC, thats why they get the big bucks with facts like what time things are on.

Prelim fights

Womens Strawweight opens the card. An All American Affair with Michelle Waterson taking on Felice Herrig. Felice has some really weird beads in her hair and Michelle is wearing a shirt which is never a good sign. Usually when a wrestler wears a shirt its a sign they/ve given up so not sure I like this in UFC. Bruce Buffer the poor mans Buffer is wearing a cheap suit he probably from a garage sale hes more well-known brother Michael had. Solid opening bout with Michelle getting the W. Next we ave the heavyweight bout between Derrick Lewis and Alexander Volkov. Chrisi is pumped to see Volkov. Remember seeing him a few years back, a real slugger and old school bar fighter if I saw one. Him and Lewis exchanged blows with Volkov getting the upper hand in the first round. But his mouthguard came out and the ref stops for him to reinsert, with the restart we got one more second before the bell. Volkov does an old cheap heel trick but claiming he was poked in the eye and calls a timeout without asking the ref if it was cool. Calling your own time out can lead to a atomic disqualification. Lewis and Volkov are tied up and Lewis pretty much falls on top of Volkov. It was much brutal than how it sounds, a big 120KG and seven foot fella falling on top of you. I don/t care who you are thats gotta hurt. Volkov took both first two rounds for me and on his way to taking the third, but Lewis unleashes a left hook from Hell with 20 seconds to go. Looking at the replay Volkov was gone with that punch, Lewis capitalizes and strikes on the ground, ten seconds to go ref calls it off and awards it to Lewis, who goes to his knees and does the cut throat action. Brilliant old fashioned heavyweight fight, not a technical classic but a brilliant heavyweight fight almost bare knuckle slugfest. Lewis was literally on his way to a Loss but pulled a classic win outta nowhere. Just wondering how the fuck he managed that punch so late in the fight after taking all that punishment astounds me. A hellava performance from both guys and an amazing finish that you cant script .the next fight I had little interest in, but the Tony Ferguson/Anthony Pettis was a ripper. The second round was a blood fest and both guys went blow for blow. Brilliant stuff. i got for a fag and find a crap cock and balls on my notes. i suspect Chrisi but it was Leeroy. Chrisi shows how she would ave drawn em. judge yourself which is better.


Main event time

Im picking the Russian

Conor walks out and does his usual strut which make him look like a wanker, but Khabib music is like Maria Carey so two wankers don/t make it right. Bruce Buffer has changed his suit, nice he brings out the shit suit for the undercards and wears the nice suit, the one that cost more than 20 bucks for possibly the biggest fight in MMA history. Our friend and MMA expert Leaping Larry L informs Chrisi by text if Khabib can keep him off his feet he/ll win


Ive been watching boxing since I was a kid and ive never seen his much police/security presence. Pommy Dave and Leeroy join us. They said there would be no handshake before are after and they keep their word. Conor goes for the attack which sees Khabib on the backfoot, but goes for the grabbling early. The crowd is shitting on Khabib for this. Hes able to throw a few effective punches, Chrisi says its nice to see young men hugging. Pommy Dave thinks there instigating a drug deal.

Khabib won the round for me. Conor already looks tired.

Round 2.

What the fuck is Modulo? I see it everywhere on the ring floor advertising. Never heard of it.  Flying kick from Khabib hits but does little damage. Applies a slam and goes back to grabbling. Conor gets out and goes for he roundhouse kick but cant connect, Khabib lands a few punches and gets him on the ground. Anyone else this could ave been over but Conor gets back to his feet. Khabib gets him in another hold as I cant see Conor seeing five rounds. Khabib gets Conor back on the ground Conor gets his foot on the cage but Khabib takes care of that. Is that legal putting his leg on the cage? Conor is holding on, hes known for seeing the distance and winning in the last round, so Khabib really needs to put him away now. Conor looks fucked but I would never write him off., but he can barely land a punch this round. More grabbling sees out the round. Khabib has done everything right so far.

Round 3

.Like the first round Conor comes out with Khabib on the backfoot but more effective this time. He throws a few punches but the Russian gives a few back. Conor throws and uppercut which could ave been devastating if it connected. Khabib trys to get it back on the ground but Conor gets his way outta it. The Crowd is really behind Conor, astounding given hes a cunt. Both guys held their own but Conor won the round for me. What a fight, this has certainly lived up to the hype. Conor was fucked at the end of the fist two but shown hes going down swinging.

Round 4.

Conor again comes out with the early strikes but Khabib gets him on the cage. He gets him in a chock hold that looks like Scott Steiner used as his finisher.


Fuck what a fight. Conor after two years out gave a great performance but he was no match. Was it ring rust or just got found out by a better fighter? Either way, Khabib, with the exception of round 3 which was McGregors, fought a near perfect fight. I can find no faults in his performance.


I turn for second and I see its on for young and old both ringside and in the octagon. I just see the punches being thrown I missed what happened. Khabib jumps the cage and goes after one of Conors team while members are Khabib possie run after the Irishman. This is fucked. This is why they had extra security and cops. That night and the day after i read multiple reports of what lead to all this, but this is fucked. The way Khabib was treated by Camp McGregor was a disgrace and I don/t blame him for wanting revenge on that big mouth but he should ave just taken the win. And those guys that jumped McGregor are cowards. Again he has a mouth and a cunt but hardly brave trying to fight someone who is down, and even worse one punched, or at least tried to, Conor from behind. McGregor leaves. Dana White is pissed, refuses to give Khabib the belt in the ring for fear of a riot. Khabib hits the showers. No belt presentation, No Joe Rogan interviewer. Just Bruce Buffer announcing the result.

Dana White in the presser says Khabibs purse is being held and the State Commission will investigate. Khabib comes out for a minute, apologizes but not to McGregor, says you don/t fuck with the mans family or religion or country. I agree with one of those statements.

Fuck, what to make of this. Theres trash talk and ways to promote a fight and then theres being a cunt. McGregor stepped over the line calling Khabib dad a coward, accusing one of his team of being a terrorist, throwing a kick at Khabib at the weigh in, and of what else did he, oh yeah THE FUCKING BUS EPISODE. Two blokes hurt and also, as Dave Meltzer reported, throwing punches at UFC staff. The fact they used the bus footage to pump the fight is shameful, and to use it to make Conor the good guy is poor form. Dana White says he doesn/t regret it but this was a black eye to the sport even without this brawl. The fact McGregor hadn/t fought in two years and the bad blood was enough of a selling point, they didn/t need to bring the criminal activity into the picture. And Khabibs. cornermen who jumped Conor should be banned (which Dana White claimed he would do) but for him jumping the cage, its understandable given the shit he was put through but he should ave taken the high road. The win should ave been enough to shut Camp McGregor up. The Fact that Joe Rogan and the other callers where condemning Khabib yet saying how great humble Conor was in defeat shows where loyalties lie and is a complete joke. The fact they didn/t bring up any of the back story (AGAIN THE FUCKING BUS) is just baffling. Sure Conor is their biggest box office draw but to turn an eye to his past activities is a disgrace and makes the company look stoopid. What punishment should Khabib get? Fine him sure, but suspension? For me no. McGregor has an appalling back catalogue of behaviour and has never been punished by the UFC. Again the bus, and attacking a referee at a Bellator event saw no punishment from Dana White. Surely therefore Khabib cant be suspended. Fine him, or suspend him for a month but don/t do it for a year which would see him lose the belt. If that was the case that would be a double standard, and unfortunately I think we/re going to see one.

Bryan Alverz said we saw the best and worst of UFC on this card, and said the post match really wasn/t a surprise which I agree with. There was a lot of good on this card. Derrick Lewis had a comeback for the ages and the main event lived up to the hype. Overall it was a brilliant card top to bottom but unfortunately the post fight is what everyone will remember. What should ave been UFCs finest moment will go down as a black eye. Everyone involved looked bad.

As for McGregor, he should keep quiet for a while.

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Semi Final v Giants

Now. The Pies were fine but not good enough against the Eagles so now we gotta play this week. No more room for losers after this round. can the Pies slay the giants. The Sun called us Giant Killers on the front page during the week. They/ve called it and im going with that. The Dees ave the week off and their biggest fan (that I know of) Mad Matty is barred from the Balaclava for the time being. Hope he gets in before grand final. I should start some campaign like save matty or something. Well he aint dying so maybe not save Matty. Help Matty? Theres other pubs (one literally next door) so no need for help. Ah fuck it, just hope his suspensions runs out soon.

Pregame I find myself at Yellowbird with Amy and Sean. I always got time for them. Amys been an amazing supporter of Munster with her brilliant front covers shes done over the years. Very pleased to know her. While we/ve had many different contributors in the past, shes the only other person I consider on team Munster, if such I thing exists. After the bird I walk to the Balaclava as GG (with glasses) gets outta car. It was some sequel to UBER the car he used. Every time a mate has caught an UBER a gate follows so id rather just walk. We walk into the Bala with plenty of time before the bounce. The nice lady behind the bar tells me shes getting a tattoo sleeve on her left arm to match the one on her right. She grabs a schooner glass and says VB I say its like you/ve known me all my life. I inform Ken GO PIES to which he sighs with if you say so as Pete enters. We look at the lights and think GG needs to fix this but one of the staff yanks em out. Again its like they/ve known us forever. Pete says Maynard G Krebbs will do a number on that shitkicker Toby Greene. Me and GG smash a fag before the start and its taken forever but we finally got Razor Ray in charge. As BT says fastest whistle in the old west. We run in side and 36 second in Thomas goal and we/re off, Rich tells me that was a quick start. Krebbs after the restart to Sidie to Cox handball to Brownlow the Gooster marks  plays on no ones round Screwdriver soccers and would ave been goal of the year buts its a point. The Shitkicker had been roughed up. Good. He should ave got a week for that fucking kick last week. Jack Riewoldt defended his actions on 360 during the week. Shit blokes looking out for each other hey? Pete says put Greenwood on him, as Pete says he towelled up Dusty. Just like what hes gonna do next week. Hyphen to the Gooster to Thomas crumbs it to Dole Cheque hes taken round the neck hands off to the Samurai back to Krebbs Aish to Cox but he still cant fucking mark. Giants go 50 but Screwdriver hold it up kicks to Matrix to Cox handballs to the man of the moment the Sack. What a game he played last week after doing his ACL. Love my boy. Brownlow marks as GG takes out a second light as Samurai hands it off to the Gooster, another miss.  Giants kick straight to Thomas. 35 straight in front. Never in doubt. 15-0. The Gooster is in the rooms as now Richo has decided hes a doctor making a diagnosis on the Gooster despite not knowing what his issue is. Samurai frees Screwdriver is taken from behind short kick to Aish Sier to Samurai again goes wide to the Hyphen Dole Cheque to Screwdriver shit kick lands in Giants hand but the Shag gets it back off to Krebbs Aish to Cox. He doesn/t hold the mark but hes paid it. Bout 55 out he cant make the distance Sier manages to snap a point. There not calling it a crucial point just yet Sier kicks to a giants who go to their 50 but Cameron misses. Howe kicks to Cameron from the kick in so he pretty much has another shot straightaway, but he does this weird run which I don/t know how it wasn/t called play on. Get what he deserved with a miss. Howe to the Shag Langdon marks to Sidie as we see a fucking clock on how long the Gooster has been on the bench. Its seven minutes in. IN THE FUCKING FIRST QUARTER. I guess Lingy and Richo know so little bout special comments they need to give them something else to do, like watch an alleged injured man on the bench. . Brownlow minors 17-2 Richo is giving goal kicking advice because he was Mr reliable in his day. Even Richmond fans sighed whenever he had a shot.  Lingy says the Pies should ave had the game won by now. What with three quarters to go? Him and Richo really are Dumb and Dumber, im now just trying to figure which is which. Stephenson misses 18-2 Giants go 50 only Greenwood is there to Sidie to Dole cheque Stephenson cant mark Adams takes a big bump Matrix held and Razor is straight onto the whistle. Giants go 50 as we enter the last minute which Darce calls important seconds for the second week in a row. I guess the last 19 minutes were just a waste of time. The Shitkicker is tackled good as the Giants try that cute shit with a dribble kick but gets em nowhere. Giants go 50 but are pinned for Throwing Langdon to Aish Sidie to Thomas Adams kicks to a giant in our 50. The Pies ave had 20 inside 50s this quarter, for a disappointing score. . the Shag is given a free but he trys that fucking dribble kick shit, Ward picks it up  but Sack scraps it to Brownlow who kicks with six second to go. HYPHEN MARKS. Kick after the siren, nails it as me and Pete finally bang elbows after a quiet few weeks for the Hyphen. And where cha cha chaing going into the break.

Quarter time

Collingwood 24

Giants 2

Run in after smoko and see fucking giants ave finally got a goal. Sier takes a one handed mark Hyphen keeps it down off to Cox but pinned and Giants score. As Richo says thats better. Yes two quick goals is better. Something Richo could only dream off.  He then says this is more a Giants style game but doesn/t say what that is.  Hyphen marks  Stephenson cant hold the kick shit free to Giants Samurai intercepts to Sidie to Brownlow Shag to Hyphen as Stephenson minors again.  Krebbs from 60 Aish picks the loose ball handballs to the Sack free to Giants but Howe takes a mark of the year contender. Sier kicks from 50 Hyphen cant mark Giants go 50 but they still do all that cute shit and they get nothing. Good, how hard is it to drop the ball on your boot, you aint the Harlem Globetrotters, and the Pies certainly aint the Washington Generals you daft cunts. Speaking of daft Richo tells us possession in the 50 is everything. Sigh. I cant be bothered berating him anymore.  Adams to Greenwood to Hyphen Varco has a run passes to Screwdriver misses. 26-14. Pete mentions the Samurais bun aint good. Its more lower than it is. That aint very Samurai, thats more Barista like. Shit goal to the Giants, Brownlow misses straightaway as we/re told the kicker has ankle issues. Oh the irony. Another shit free from a throw that wasn/t a throw but the Giants again try to be fancy with a dribble and they get nothing. Richo tells us the Giants are here to plas, JB pumps his tyres by saying hes right. Just fucking sigh these useless twats. Adams gives the shitkicker a good hit as our host Linda says shit happen.  Giants goal, as daft fuck number three Darce says that was a big moment in the game. I guess that must ave been one of those crucial seconds he was talking bout. But the Pies get there big moment with the Gooster goaling after the siren as its a ring a ding ding with everyone coming from everywhere to get involved. Razor aint happy.

Half Time

Collingwood 33

Giants 26

(notes from Saturday night let me know if anyone can make anything of this)

Its half time as just before the half was over where joined by our great mate Bernie Two legs. Bern and GG ave the two for one shopper dockets, we/re all looking forward to a nice meal, but he Bala ave cut the fucking kitchen half an hour early. What the fuck do we do? We ponder this over a fag as Proud Geelong man Gaz from Hell greets us hello in his gentle nature. We say fuck the kitchen as GG does a run to the chip shop on Carlisle St. if I ever sell out and do commercials its either gonna be for the bloke that does the ten dollar harircuts, also on Carlisle St and that chip shop. Ruby is on in the front bar. zzzzzzz.  Rose enters as we fest on the ace food from the chipery. The staff don/t seem to care or notice. Shit goal sees the scores levelled. Was actually a good goal, as Rose said they threaded it through the needle.  JB says that man can play. So everyone else cant? Knob.  Giants get another one, as Darce said Pies need the next. Fuck sake how long was he sitting on that. Gooster marks for 45 out on an angle balls punched over five points down. Cox intercepts in the middle kicks to the 50 to Dole Cheque bang 46-39. Sidie straight away goes 50 but Giants get a shit free. They say Dole Cheques goal might ave been touched. Moaning pricks, move on.  Hyphen marks I want 50 but no dice. Gooster taps to Cox goes to ground. Sack cant beat Cameron, Greenwood uses the body well taps to Matrix, Stephenson off to Dole Cheque Crisp Samurai kicks to the Shag but held. JB says both teams want to win so they can play next week. Thanks JB was wondering why they were there. Giants goal as JB says they needed that. Ave I mentioned I think little of these commentators?  I cheer as I discover two of the Giants players ave names of mates of mine, Taranto and Nick Haines, although the giants Nick is spelt differently, something I won/t acknowledge. Haines is a testament top the fact you cant smoke like a chimney and still play AFL. I forgot to write in my notes what the 3 quarter time score was. I forget when it started so im gonna say its three quarter time…

Smoke break Pete declares they should rename this pub Balagate due to all the gates we/ve suffered in the last year. I want one day, NO GATES. We walk in and see Trav goal, me and Pete are waiting in the front bar for service to find no one there. After five minutes we get served and in that time my boy the Hyphen and Gooster ave scored majors. Looking good now. 66-45 as Pete calls it we/re home. Darce says the Pies are home but also says Giants need to do more work to win. Sigh. Does he listen to himself? Someone explain why this man is on air. Everytime I tune into Eddies breakfast shows he has the same two stories. He lost his I Pad or lost one of this kids. Thats it. Aish and Krebbs take care of the shitkicker but still giants goal. Giants ave another shoot. Rose screams chewie on your boot. For second week in a row it works. She says it later and again works, we need her everyweek. Pretty sure Richo said Giants must kick this. Anyway we kicked a few points more JB said stoopid things, they got within ten points and GAME OPVER. Unlike Pete I wait till 57 second to go to call it. Siren, Oh fuck year

Final score


After the game its off to Lyrebird for a set of Intoxica, some of the best rock n roll comes outta that band. And the next day my great mate Terry an I head to the Ink to watch the GGG vs Canelo fight. Brilliant fight that was. One of the commentators takes a leaf out of the AFL callers book, says one of these guys are gonna feel different tomorrow. Yeah a few blows to the head will do that. I see Scott the Scot who asks if im happy with the win. I show him my notes as he says aye I cant fooking read that (see above)

Friday on my mind indeed. Not our best game, I don/t mean to be like Richo but clearly we need to kick straighter, and I just felt the tackling pressure was there. Sure there were times when the giants got the ball out the 50 we had bokes waiting but there were too many times they got the ball outta the 50 too easy. This is something the Tigers will kill us at if we aint careful. The trash talking between me and my Richmond chums has already started. This week could be messy. Oh well. I didn/t think we would make it this far, can we go the distance? The nice receptancist at work says yes. Shes called it not me. Onya Linda.

Anyway so much to look forward too, best get a beer. See yous at the Balaclava.


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PapaLord God – The Sheik of Downfall Creek LP review

Instrumental music can be hit or miss for me. Mostly miss. But the first solo LP by Brisbanes PapaLord God (aka Greg Hilleard) is in the hit category for me. It aint the usual guitar drums and bass jam wank fest. Armed with an acoustic and electric guitar, as well as an organ and banjo, this guy, over nine tracks, decides with each new number hes gonna reinvent the wheel with his own unique style and sound. Then on the next track he/ll throw it away and start from starch a completely new idea. Im not a musician (im barely a writer) so sorry in advance if the descriptions of the songs is way off.

A Sunday Night and Saturday Morning opens with a church organ and a noise that comes on when the TV stations used to close shop at midnight. Kinda seems like its going that direction the whole song then a blues jam completely changes song direction. A Bull to the Horns starts where the last song picked off. It has the feel of a one take track with the ideas floating right there in the studio. I get the vibe while playing one track Greg immediately swaps instruments mid note. I Wish I Was a Mole in the Ground opens with a beautiful banjo jam, the kind of banjo playing that screams lets dance in the corn field, than the guitar takes the focus with banjo in the background than the two instatements fight for supremacy. Banjo for me wins on points after twelve rounds as the song has a nice fade down effect. Eddie Van Halen Ptll features a cracking riff that the man himself is probably fuming right now over the fact he don/t own it. Not in Pubs (Anyway) is not what I would classify under pub rock, cool calm classic guitar for five minutes. It plays really well after the cock rock guitar we heard in the previous track. Please Sell $10,000 Worth of Stock info We Have Decided to Live a Mad and Extravagant Life is the soundtrack to a Mad and Extravagant life, not sure if its $10,000 worth of stock madness but pretty close. Sweet Sister should be on one of those easy listening compilations. Has that vibe of all is fine with the world, with an electric guitar. This Skin has a Packman noise to open with which I pop to when I hear, as they say in professional wrestling. Again has a nice loose acoustic guitar feel as if its just jamming in the studio, even though that/s probably not the case.  Closing track is titled Port Wine Blues (for John Henry). Im not a wine drinker and I ave no idea who John Henry is but im sure neither John nor any port wine brand would ave a problem with his song naming the man or the item.

As mentioned instrumental music is mostly a miss for me, after two or three tracks it usually drags on and not many originals ideas are shown after ten minutes. Over nine tracks Greg Hilleard has created a completely original, genre bending record which will keep the listening guess what the fucks he gonna do next. For those that say its all been done, ave a listen to this.

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