Round 17 vs Eagles

Now. After losing two on the trot a loss this week will pretty much write us off as contenders for a top four spot. I aint seen a second of the North game two weeks ago, so if I don/t see and report on it does that mean we really lost? And the Hawks game we had every chance to win but too much piss farting around cost us a win we should ave had. We/ve got plenty of injuries but that idiot Pamela is the crucial absentee. His guarantee one or two goals a game and his class with the ball is sorely missing, we ave plenty of midfielders a small forwards but hes the game changer we need. He would ave been the difference last week. So again, Pamela, you idiot One good positive was the first gamer Isaac Quaynor who I thought played great and happy to see has held his spot. Meanwhile Richard Noble is the new face in hell this week. West Coast in West Coast is a hell of a way to debut, so best of luck young man.

But before the game heres a few things that happened during the week that made me want to rant.

Bomber Thompson beat the drug charge, because the Magistrate found that he had no intention of selling the drugs. The man had 480 pingaz in his flat. So hes using the Father Ted defence of that money was just resting in my account. Bomber was just holding on to those pills.  I did laugh when I read how many pills he had and all that ice, and only one LSD tablet, that gave me a giggle. I don/t want Bomber in jail over this, I don/t think the streets of Melbourne are any more dangerous because Bomber is a free man, and if he went to jail I wouldn/t rest any easier at night. But for him to walk free is a joke. Fine him or give him a good behaviour bond, anything as opposed to the Magistrate basically saying sorry we wasted your time. I know, my mate Stuart was busted smoking when he was 13. His dad made him smoke the whole pack in one sitting as a punishment. I want Bomber to sit there and swallow every one of those 480 pills. Or give back to the community, ave an open house at Bombers house with him providing the merchandise. Hey Bomber, save me that one LSD tab.

Very sad to see Kevin Bartlett has left SEN, but I did love him pretty much telling Huchie and Co where to go. As a commentator I enjoyed KB. It was rough listening when Richmond was in there slump as I thought he sounded bitter at times, but overall I enjoyed his calls and views on the game. Called it as he saw it and wasn/t afraid to stick it to the AFL. Ive heard some people say its time to get rid of this old dinosaur. Thats what shits me with commentary in this country with the exception of people like Bruce, who for some reason seems to be an untouchable, it seems most callers ave a used by date and they move em on. Theres a few over 60s in commentary boxes, KB and Leigh Matthews the standouts, then theres some like David Parkin and Mark McClure where it appears the game has gone past em and like Bruce I question why they are there. Something went wrong in the last 15 years of sports coverage in Oz, it seems they/ve gone for personalities and wackiness as opposed to thoughtful breakdown of the game. I blame Triple M for bringing this whole entertainment side of things. As much as I hated Channel 9s boys club cricket commentary team they had the foresight to mix old with new. Richie Benaud and Bill Lawry where always treated with respect and people would rather listen to them those fools like Tubby and Ian Haley, and I love how pretty all of 9s callers where picked up by seven of Fox except these two. Watching the cricket coverage with these sad lot is like those kids that aint picked for any team when youd line em up on a fence when your picking teams for school sports. SEN went from a decent footy station to Hutchie ruining the joint with his stoopid picks over old favs. I was never a fan but sacking the Ox and Mark Allen after what would be there last show was pretty low, then again what would you expect from that grub Hutchie. I hope they clean him out on their lawsuit. Thanks for the years of service KB hope your back on the airwaves sooner rather than later.

Anyway lets get back to why where all here, the Pies game.

After a few beers with Mickster at his Off the Hip bunker I run home to drop my bag off and head to Carlisle Fish and Chips, best chip shop in the land (except for the Dingley Chip Shop) for a cheeseburger. Since the game starts at 8:10 i stroll as opposed to bolt to the Balaclava with eight minutes to spear to find no one is here. I light up as GG enters and again does an excellent job with the tables. A quick chat with Waz in the public bar and Jackie John and Lana enter not long before the bounce.

I turn up the telly and we/re off as Kennedy goes bang straightaway as I think fuck this is gonna be a long night. And to makes Matters worse Lingy is calling with BT as if I aint suffered enough pain in my life. Lingy gets his first comment in saying he doesn/t know what the Pies did wrong? Ah let em score? Good punch from Roughead Levi handballs to Cox pushes through an Eagle Gooster kicks to the Hyphen. Sidie to Matrix Samurai to the new face in Hell Noble Son of Rowdy has a good run of 20 meters but sadly hits the post. Cunt Carey says he needed to take advantage there. Levi holds em stops a run from the Eagles Krebs to Nobel Son of Rowdy turns it over Good punch from Moore and gets the ball outta the 50 Brownlow to AIsh Sidie Dole Cheque 65 out finds Screwdriver has a shot from 35 BANG we/re off 7-8. We/re also off as we get the hi 5s going as Fred enters. GG likes how we/re easing into it. Kennedy misses Sidie runs the ball over the boundary goods running mark from Billy Dole Cheque just holds the mark Cox marks 25 directly in front brilliant goal 13-9. Isaac is held. Waz said he like how the Pies are relaxed and not freaking out. Cox gives stoopid free away, to which BT claims the Eagles are happy about. Samurai paid a free kicks to Aish goes to the 50 finds Dole Cheque 40 out, Fred says Mad About You is now on the box regularly, a show I that was awful. Friday night must be shit TV night as Dole Cheque is on fire, no reason for him to stay on the couch. Dole Cheque nails it as I scream KING OF QUEENS 19-15. Lingy claims this is an interesting score. As to why he doesn/t explain. Please someone put this man in a Cannon thats aimed for Russia so I don/t ave to hear this gibberish anymore. Fred tells me his breakfast bangers and mash and a pint, or Swannys diet as I label it. Gooster to Dole Cheque holds but Eagles regroup and kick a goal down by 2. Shag is on the screen. Ah he touched the ball. Matrix is pinned Nic Nat to Rioli finds Cameron who gets this 3rd goal Samurai goes after Cox but cant hold the mark. Shag is hit. Gooster grabs the ball from the throw in and snaps from the pocket 31-33. Screwdriver marks from 70 and Cox takes a great mark from 30 and it goes straight through the sticks to take the lead back 37-33. Free to the Eagles as the Shag risks a 50 by bumping the bloke as he prepares for the kick but nothing comes of it. Thats my boy. The Hyphen denied a mark as Darling marks 30 in front plays on and Eagles take the lead going into smoko

Quarter Time

Pies 37

Eagles 39

Moore aint come back out which is a worry BT says some stoopid fact that when the Eagles are in front most quarters they win. Wow that mind is working overtime. Sidie and Krebs team up to knock one of em over Aish to Sidie Levi to Dole Cheque Cox again cant mark Shag touches the ball yay. BT says everyone is excited and he means everyone. As GGs says what if they hate both teams? Are they excited? Billy to Dole Cheque 40 out HOGANS HEROS now down by 2. Oh I think I forgot to report an Eagles goal. Eagles line up for a goal as GG tells me that Rose has granted me three chewy in ya boots and Im cashing one in early. I scream CHEWY ON YA And it works. ONYA ROSE. Dole Cheque is gone Eagles ave a shot again and it looks like such a shit kick im thinking it was touched but no it/s a goal as BT says every score helps. Fred talks David Kings and his lines he draws on the screen that really means fuck all as I say he should get Mr Squiggle as at least thatd be entertaining, Sier to Shag free to Eagles ave a run. Levi tackles bloke 45 out from Eagles goal as Moore is out with a Hammy FUCK. Cox marks 20 out no chance of missing 49-58. Costar comes in to check in on with Fred saying we/re staunch. I like that word im gonna use that more often. Fred said he wants another word to describe us but I forgot to write it down. A bloke that shears my surname is pinned by Isaac umps ball. Free to Samurai Nic Nat punches out as the Shag is on TV. Sidie to Isaac held Levi to Roughead Billy held Matrix taps to Son of Rowdy dribbles ball out of 50 as Lingy says we cant afford to concede a goal at this stage. Both teams scrapping the ball back and forward for the last two minutes the Angles am I ever gonna see your face again plays I wish this song would fuck off. Fred calls it, no more scoring for the rest of the quarter and hes right. Smoko.

Half Time

Pies 51

Eagles 64

Air time with Waz, who/s summary is the Eagles talls ave been firing and will our smaller blokes be able to hold up. Fred plays Fred band on his speaker as Corn Beef looks on in amazement. Sports Bet ave an ad with Allen Iverson selling his soul. Oh Allen, they ave a lame disclaimer at the end, they cant even be bothered with the whole gamble reasonability shit. We start with a crucial point. Samurai 70 out plays on Gooster has the ball 10 out is held gets it out to Screwdriver on the line brilliant 58-64. Hamish says we/re in it. Is there a worse family in Australian sport than the McLaughlins? Well maybe the Waterhouses. At leat Gil never got into some bullshit Willie Coyote scam like Fine Cotton. As me and Terry discussed the other night tha whole affair needs to be a film. Sidie to Gooster hits the ball out of bounds. Throw in Eagles kick out on the full Sier to Brownlow, Shag to Samurai held Eagles take straight to their end. Matrix hurt Billy to Krebs Crisp handballs Eagles marks on Eagles line and goal as Keith Waz and some fella walk in with a conga line while Costa films our reaction. Three days later im still trying to figure what the fuck that was all about? There not Eagles fans and not even big footy fans, and there was no cat cry of go eagles. I think that was done just to upset us. Gasp. Oh well. And they get another FUCK. GG brings in food, rolls olives chees and salami. He makes a beautiful spread and prepares me a very tasty roll as again Corn Beef looks on in amazement. BT says if the Eagles kick the next goal it will be dangerous. Dole Cheque from 60 finds Billy as he punches ball over for a point. Free to Roughead but kicks to an Eagle 30 from their home. Krebs marks on the line but Sidie is paid a free kicks to Krebs to the Gooster Matrix hyphen Billy Screwdriver 50 from home no mark Shag is hit which im livid over Samurai finally gets a tap over Nic Nat. Samurai lands a shit kick has Billy punches for a throw in Shag again on screen Sidie to Noble to Crisp and again Cox no mark Sier to Sidie to the Eagles they get as close to 60 meters out. Cox free finds Sidie Crisp, Shag ends the quarter holding the ball on his back

3 quarter time

Pies 60

Eagles 76 

After the last fag break Fred shows the wonderful present he got for Millie. A wonderful kids book of the same name with Freds touch only he can add. Crisp runs 30 meters and finds Crocker but hit as he tries to run around two eagles. BT for some reason mentions Barry Crocker. Levi to Dole Cheque from 30 hits the fucking post. Samurai to SHAG held Dole Cheque soccers from 15. Another point. I forgot to write the score but im calling it crucial. Screwing Jets Shivers plays as me and GG just look and shake heads in disbelief how such a terrible band was allowed to cover an Oz classic. It least Rowland got a good pay day out of it. Cox flys but cant hold on. As Fred says fuck we need this. Screwdriver keeps the ball in nothing happens Billy cant hold the mark centers to Shag. I knew it hes gonna be the hero. No he passes to Samurai. What a team player he is the Shag. Samurais kick smothered Aish to Sier Cox still cant hold the mark Eagles kick out on the full. So far it/s all been us but we cant convert. And this kicking to Cox needs to stop. If hes all alone fine but not in a pack situation it/s too risky at this stage of the game. Sidie to Crisp Matrix to Crocker who kicks another minor. Lingy says the pies need to try something else. Kick goals maybe? Sier Isaac loose ball Crocker holds bloke Crisp lands a shit kick out on full. But straightway leads to Eagles out of the full. Great Bloke Gaffs kick leads to nothing. Even though we aint punishing em the Eagles aint taken the chances they had, I keep thinking there gonna get one crucial goal to end it but its just hasn/t come. Finally some steadiness as Dole Cheque marks 25 straight in front. BT says this will ave to be good. Thankfully he is good. 69-76. Lingy claims the Pies ave given everything at this point. Oh thats good as opposed to half arsed effort or not showing up. Sadly I think comments like this is Lingy giving it everything he has. Billy to the Shag Dole Cheque again the target cant hold on Gooster from nowhere amazing kick from the pocket two goals in a minute and fuck I wrote us off at 3 quarter time but now we/re a chance. 75-76. Sier to the Gooster Dole Cheque Samurai taps the ball in Eagles grab it but kicks to Aish standing all alone 50 out. Just misses 76 ALL. Noble cant hold the mark from Aish Son of Rowdy is held, umps ball. Pies paid free in Eagles 50 Matrix kicks to Gooster taps the ball 15 meters while running amazing play Son of Rowdy slides and is pinned as we reach a stalemate. Isaac kicks hi ball Screwdriver to Crocker who lands the most crucial point of the game. For now. Pies by 1. Levi to Crisp Sidie again Cox falls short. Should point out Hamish keeps saying how we are just under whatever number of minutes left. When its 4:59 he/ll say just under five minutes every time the clock is under a certain minute. It aint radio Hamish we can read, mind you I guess he better say something as football is not his strength. Pies land the ball in the 50 but with no one there leads to throw in. Brownlow lands the ball but another grab leads to the ump again aving the pill. Samurai to the Shag who leads to another minor. I actually don/t know if he kicked that but I want him to be the hero so im gonna leave it at that. And that is the most crucial point of the game. Eagles go but Noble stops em in the center. Matrix given a free but kicked straight to Darling. For some reason I wrote in my notes Speedboy despite the fact he was dropped. I wrote his name twice, one time next to the hyphen. Fred GG if you know that was about let me know. Anyway ball punched away from the Eagles Sidie to Crocker whose hit as Gooster chases the ball over the line. Darling has a shot, 50 on the boundary a tough kick. I/ve only used one of Roses Chewy on ya boot and if there was ever a time it pull it out it us now. The kick falls short.. Once again ONYA ROSE Pies by one. Cox marks the kick in on the 50. Tough mark where he beat three Eagles in a pack, thats the moment the game was secure and I can rest easy but despite GG asking me I anit calling it. Cox finds Krebs Billy lost to Nic Nat but ball over for a throw in. Samurai from the throw in wins the tap and lands a kick that leads to another throw in this time 60 from home. Dole Cheque to Sidie kicks backwards to Aish finds the Shag, Brownlow. The ball lands with Billy and that will do it.

GAME OVER

PIES 78

EAGLES 77

On Monday at work I was looking at the ladder happy to see we reclaimed second on the ladder, and a fella walks by and said did my beloved Eagles win? Now I can understand if you were working and didn/t get a chance to look at the score I could understand asking that question but three days after the game? Just how beloved are they to this bloke?

One fella I ave no doubt about his loyalty to the Pies is my Dingley Correspondent Tim, who text me straight after the game, as opposed to three days later, who asked the question how the fuck did we win that. No idea but it was a good show of character and our mental state we were able to get over the line. I wrote us off going into the final smoke break but the fact they shut the Eagles down to one  point in the last quester is a credit to their pressure and defence, and even though we ave injuries the fact we were able to win possibly the hardest road trip shows we aint done yet. The kids Noble and Isaac where in great form hope they get selected this week. But its far from over. The Giants and Richmond round off July and the Tigers are rising and only getting better. To secure top 4 we need to win both games. Im gonna call it, if we win more games we/ll finish hire on the ladder. See, its those comments that earn me the big bucks.

Anyway thanks for reading, see yous at the Bala this Saturday.

GO PIES

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Round 14 vs Bulldogs

After a week off its good to ave the footy back. I said that the Pies needed a rest, as did we,  but the bye usually messes with teams so will see how we go, and you never know what the Doggies will do so will be an interesting game. Playing the Dogs always reminds me of my old School mate Shane, the biggest Doggies fan I know and when the Doggies won the flag in 2016 he was the first person I thought of and was happy for him. Unfortunately he was overseas at the time and misses out, poor bugger. This is why holidays are rubbish. Whats the point of getting on a plane and watching the Simpsons and shit beer in a different timezone when I can ave a beer at the Street Bar. Do they ave that in London?

I guess we can/t go any further with addressing the big news of the week. Our team name at Trivia last Wednesday was called idiot Pamela and that sums up this situation. People ave said he was treated too harshly some say not enough. Heath Shaw got 8 weeks for what he did betting on the first goal so you couldn/t give him any less. First and foremost he is an idiot, was it too harsh? Nah. If your gonna gamble bet on the dogs, or anything else for fuck sake. Poor Howe who was given that information talk bout being caught between a rock n a hard place. I think ten weeks was a fair wack, but youd be a fool to think hes the only one thats done this. Eddie said it well multi bet has become part of our vocabulary, and with Nathan Brown, not the Pies/Saints player, the overrated wanker that no one has a good reason explaining why he has a career, advertising for a gambling company as well as four other major company advertising during the game, what will change?  I do applauded the roos getting rid of pokies from their club, meanwhile Dickhead Kennett wants to bring more pokies to the Hawks when the invade my hometown of Dingley. And he ran Beyond Blue, but I guess he missed the part that a gambling problem can lead to depression and pokies to me are nothing but a money sucker. The amount of times people tell me they/ve won a shitload on the pokies but they never say how much they/ve lost to get that win.Im not saying lets illegalize gambling but when its in your face 24/7 and a betting company is a major sponsored of the AFL and anyone can bet on there phone anytime anywhere I think something has to be done. What I don/t know, i/ll stick to good ol cigarettes thank you evry much as a vice.

Before the game me and the lovely Jo go for a nice stroll through Barkley Street and the beach before arriving at the Bala. We arrive five minutes before the bounce, Fred arrives two minutes before the game. With beers in hands we settle into the lounge area. Freds wearing a beautiful wool jumper with 36 on the back. Sier is now wearing the number made famous by Swanny. Jo has done something ive never had the guts to do, shes called it before the game has started, pies to win. Can she do that? Lets hope shes right.

Dogs get the perfect start according to Huddo, which I guess is right as they get a goal in the first 50 seconds. They go again straightaway but Krebs keeps em at bay. Scrappy loose ball with a bunch of players touching the ball, and with great presence by the Shag. Sidie kicks to himself Roughead to the hyphen Samurai marks and is moved on finds Trav to Speedboy, shit kick, gee he really misses the POW but Samurai recoups and marks 15 out from Dogs goal, we again see the Shag but hes just looking on. Thats all he needed to do. Sidie to Crisp Hyphen to the Screwdriver 40 meters out on the run brilliant goal 6 all. Thumping kick from Crisp from 65 out Cox is 10 meters out and given a free no way hes missing that 12-6. Brownlow tackles Dog umpire calls dropping the ball Son of Rowdy given advantage Reid marks 10 out plays on bang 18-6. Fred and I miss our attempt at a hi 5. thankfully GG isn/t here yet to give that a score. Roughead to Aish in longsleeves. David King calls the Shag the architect, probably the only smart things hes ever said. My favourite King quote was when the Bulldogs where aving issues with their previous coach Brendon McCarthy, when king made the staggering claim that players play and coaches coach. Im amazed he didn/t win a Nobel Prize for sport for those comments. Anyway Shag kicks to the Gooster free 60 out the Hyphen is all alone 30 out on a tight angle just misses to the left. Shag commits two amazing tackles, as Alex Lloyd is playing in the pub. It/s not the amazing song, which is not amazing its shit, which sums up his whole back catalogue. Dogs kick to Brownlow Sidie to Reid screwdriver he gets his second 25-6 as Gary Lyon says Bulldogs need to kick harder. Hey Gary maybe you need to try harder not to sleep with your mates wife. Fred wants Sier to kick a goal so we can all Sigh in unison. Shag marks kicks to Sidie but is hit Son of Rowdy picks up Sier cops a free against him. Did Pamela bet on him to give away a free kick in the first quarter? Anyway Dogs goal and get another one. The second goal David King claimed was not perfect. Um it went through the goals so I would say yes it was perfect. They cut to the screen with texta on it, it/s just a bunch of scribbles that lead to nothing. Im convinced David King has built a whole career all these states and analyse that never existed before. Theres a reason why it hasn/t and because its rubbish. You can use all the stats and textas and screens all you want but at the end of the day King is just a better wordsmith, all he says is if they get more goals they/ll win but with a better backdrop. Fred gets out his duck whistle out to boo this sort of thing and sing the Fall Track New Face in Hell. Dogs ave another shot which Huddo claims they need to stay in the game, despite the fact theres still three and a half quarters to go. I actually through he was good Huddo. Maybe hes just been broken down. My boy the Shag is hit umpires ball. We see a Pie and think who the fuck is that then release its Moore. Hes finally got a haircut. Shag is cornered on the line but Aish runs it through for rushed Pete enters as Dogs ave a kick and Huddo screams again and again and again. And its a minor haha as GG walks in. Reid is bleeding in the back of the head. He stays on but the Ump eventually says ave a spell as I light up.

Quarter Time

Pies 25

Dogs 27

Red Hot Chilli Peppers are playing, so fucking lame. I never got the big deal about em, there not shit there just lame middle of the road to me. Shag holds a bloke in the 50. Dogs cop two tackles from the Shag unfortunately leads to nothing. Roughead kicks to Krebs, Matrix does a bad soccer attempt Crisp is hit free to Dole Cheque, we finally see him Family Ties must be over. Pete says Family Ties was the Everybody Loves Raymond of its day as Breakfast at Tiffneys is playing on the radio. We discuss Dole Cheques TV, I reckon Cheers would ave been better if Ted Danson played Becker running the bar just him being a prick to everyone . Speedboy kick to the 50 but Sidie soccers the Gooster finds it but rushes it over for a throw in. Matrix kicks a minor as the band Blessid Union of Souls play. Google em to see what there one hit was. Remember that? The balls in the Dogs 50 and Huddo screams danger and dangerous ball again and again and of course nothing happens. Dogs Park on the pocket and miss as Pete says good sides be putting us away now. It is an odd quarter its been in the DFogs 50 most of the quarter and they/ve done sweet fuck all to punish us.Trav handballs to Sidie Gooster 15 out kicks a dribble and nails it 32-31. Huddo says it/s a low scoring game on a Sunday arvo. Thanks I couldn/t read the score and I needed to know what day it was. Cox on the 50 shit kick Trav tackle dogs pushes Rough no free, shit call Dogs hit the lead before main smoko break. Gary Lyon says Dogs deserved to be in front. GG says G Lyon deserves to be at the bottom of a pit with Billy Brownness pulling the trigger.

Half time

Pies 32

Dogs 37

Half time playlist includes Nice day to go to the Pub by the Cosmic Pyschos with us screaming the rubbery dub line as GG mentions we brought the Community Cup to the Bala. Certainly a better day then the cup would ave been. Lust for Life plays, I ask if I should run down Carlisle Street a la Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting. Fred asks if there is a Trainspotting musical, I believe there is not. I mention Perfect Day by Lou Reed from the movie which Fred mistakes for Ugly Dave Gray. We contemplate Trainspotting the musical with Ugly Dave as Begbie. We arrived to see Waz in there. He hands me the remote to mute these gash bags Danny Frawley and Jason Dunstal are on plugging the 350 episode of Bounce, a new low of Australian TV. I like Dunstal as a caller but who told him he should do comedy? And who said we need to hear from Frawley at all. He makes the most basic usless comments, makes Jonathan Brown look like Leigh Matthews, and thinks hes the next Graham Kennedy, yet he was denied any comic talent even though he thinks hes hilarious, hes just that high school bully that never grew up and would rather punch someone because he knows he hasn/t got the words to make a valid point.. Howe is on ice Strong mark from the Samurai Cox is the target but cant hold the mark, samurai runs rings to tap his own kick of the ball and does a dribble kick which leads to nothing Son of Rowdy finds the Gooster 45 out only a point Dogs go up and Dogs marks 45 out all alone Huddo says nothing between him and the goals. Oh gee I don/t know, how about 40 metres as GG points out? And grass? He misses. Matrix kicks to samurai brilliant play back in front 39-38 Suckling marks straightaway misses all square again Pies go the 50 ball tapped out of bounds Trav to Dole Cheque marks bang in the square nice to see he got off the couch 45-39 GG says the Hi 5s where out of time. GG mentions the tram driver he had that whistled the Collingwood theme all the way through, God bless that fella. And when I say God whichever one that isn/t Izzy Folaus god. Dogs get a goal up by 1. Huddo says it/s a struggle, Pete reckons there should be an arm wrestle. , Jo asks if that’s a perfect goal. Straightaway Trav tackles on the 50 Reid scoops passes to Gooster we blow our load on time 51-46. Cox misses from 35 but making the margin 6 points that’s a crucial point. Gooster marks 30 out on the fence, Gary Lyon says hed love top keep the scoreboard ticking. Misses but Trav kicks back to the Gooster son of Rowdy outstanding 58-46.Crisp to Sidie to Reid 25 out hes back 64-47. Pete is calling for percentage Dogs get one back before the buzzer as GG says he ave a game. The commentators claim its anyones game. GG says, well its either Collingwood or Dogs, no one else.

3 quarter times

Pies 64

Dogs 53

Jo bids us farewell as shes off to Dogs, the pub that is. I run to piss and run to the bar, I see Dogs ave had at least three attempts to go 50 but fail everytime while im at the bar Gooster marks 40 out on the fence Reid marks 2 metres out 70-53 as I see Red by Split Enz plays in the front bar Krebs to Brownlow as Huddo says theres Danger everywhere. He says Danger three times in a minute. Well not in the Dogs 50 right now, so no Huddo there is not danger everywhere. Dogs play well and get the ball out of the 50 as Fred buys the second mega jug after GG, onya lads. Dogs get a run after holding the ball is not paid but hits the post gets what it deserves. Brownlow to Sidie to Krebs as Aish now has no sleeves Cox is held but get nothing Pete says Cox but Fred demands he says it in a manly fashion. Dogs go 50 Krebs holds em at bay free to Samurai 55 out what a kick 76-55. Huddo says he can just about to it all the samurai. Can he make a long black? I guess he can because he can do it all apparently Sier to Dole Cheque, Dogs rush it over for a minor as Sugar Ray is playing now, its not the every morning song. That was big when I was 10. We used to sing that chorus all the time when I was a kid even though we had no idea what a one night stand was, youtube it if you don/t know the song, anyway the Gooster Cox runs very bizarre but nails it 82-60. Run for another piss, when I get back Dogs are lining up and I channel Rose and scream Chewie on ya boot. It works. Onya Rose. Anyway my notes are a mess so i/ll leave it there, except for that wanker Huddo claiming the Dogs can still win it despite being three goals down with 90 seconds to go. When they get one with a minute to go its as if the Dogs are still a chance. Cant believe I thought he was good once.

Game over

Pies 82

Dogs 73

After the game we drink the rest of the Mega jug as I run for the remote when Danny Frawley hits the screen. The pub change the channel to the Formula 1. Fred starts taking photos of the telly. The landlord Gav gives me a look of what I fuck. I tell him hes on the job and he gets it. We/re waiting for a tram, with two minutes I risk running for another piss break and I see Pete laughing out the front thinking ive missed but I manage to catch it on the buzzer. I get off at Misery Guts to catch the last few songs of the Large Number 12s. the wonderful landlord Jules has a Melbourne waiting as I soak up the sweet harmonys of Horse and Wes and Billys brilliant drum solo. After the gig I go for one more at Dogs where me and Jo hug in celebration but ive had enough and go home.

Bucks called it the worst performance in a while but the Freo game was worse. The second quarter was all Bullies and we kept em to two goal. It wasn/t great but a wins a win. We/ve got plenty of time to settle in and come home strong.

Now I won/t be watching the North game next Saturday. It takes a lot for me to miss a game but with New Japan wrestling at Festival Hall its too much to miss. Don/t worry i/ll find something in the next seven days to get me pissed off to write about.

Until then, GO PIES

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Round 12 V Dees


After a disappointing loss and a month of alright but not great performances the Pies need a convincing win to cement there spot as contenders. The big Texan Cox is back which im happy about, so lets see what unfolded.
 
I walk in to the Balaclava bout ten minutes before the bounce. On the route I was rushing down as I walked past a poster for whats coming up at the Prince Bandroom. I ave to turn around as I thought it said Ween. But it said Weened the Melbourne tribute band. Sigh. I push on. Jackie texts me in advance to let me know that the fucking poker tables are already out, but we got bout four tables pushed together so we/re set, much better than the lounge set up we/ve had the last few weeks. GG John and Jackie are here, while our mate Tim is the new face in hell joining us for the first time who screams go North. Fred and Sam enter with seconds to go before the bounce.
Pamela marks in the 50 within the first few seconds thanks to a brilliant kick from Brownlow. Has a kick from 35 out but hits the post. Krebs kicks to Pamela again but with two Dees on him he falls short of the contest, Sidie smoother the balls as the Dees try and get it out the 50, Pamela is again the target but is pinned, Umpires ball. Fred screams kick him again ya mug hes still breathing, Tim asks if thats an LP title. He reckons it might be a Scorpions LP. If that/s true leave a comment in the section below. Hyphen to Brownlow to Matrix kick is marked by the Dees 15 from our goal Hyphen smoothers the Dees attempt to leave the 50 Matrix picks up but can only manage a minor. Cox butches the ball, Moore is able to swoop in, finds the Samurai, Sam is already drooling over him, as our mate Gordon arrives. THE Samurai finds Hyphen kicks 40 meters to Dole Cheque, hes held and awarded a free Pamela takes advantage and goes fucking bang 8-0. Screwdriver is paid a free finds Pamela, Tim Watson claims Pamela got the ball because his opponent took his eyes off the ball. That/s the smartest thing any of the commentators say all day as speed will become the topic of conversation all day. Obviously not POW Speed as it/s closed. Anyway Pamela shanks it to get this second crucial point Aish holds Jones over the line for a throw in. the Shags is there and i get all excited and hot under the collar. Tim finds my fascination and love with the Shag curious. The Dees finally go 50 for the first time the balls been in ours for six minutes, Matrix is aving none of it and punches the ball out but it lands with the Dees but they only get a minor. Sier lands a good hit 15 from Dees goal, throw up. Barney is hit by Son of rowdy. The commentators mention Max Gawn, and hes described as big bush and something to do with lush, we point out its sounds like masturbating. Lana enters Dees miss from a free. Pies take it up straightaway Dole Cheque beats two finds the Gooster and we blow our load at the perfect time 15-1. Howe takes mark of the year but gives away a free, they fuck up the kick, Dole Cheque again goes 50 Hyphen marks brilliant stuff 21-1. Tim asks is Darcy Moore too pretty to be a great footballer? I ponder this. I ask is there anyone in the hall of fame that you would consider a dreamboat? I found Peter Daicos and spunk. Dess hit the post. They ave another shot dues to a bullshit deliberate over the line but thankfully nothing happens. Pamela kicks to the Gooster but he errors it and leads to throw in. Shag kicks to, well the Shag, finds the Hyphen 45 out, but stoopidly plays on has a kick but touched on the line. Too cocky there my boy. Sidie to Screwdriver Pamela just holds on 40 out, falls short Trav lands a great hit to force a throw in, umps throw lands with the Dees but Sidie holds him, a fucking dribble kick from Cox leads to ball lands over the line . The Dees ave a dribble kick themselves but from 5 meters out he aint gonna miss. If you miss from there I would ave dragged and delisted the bastard.
Quarter Time
Pies 23
Dees 8
Dees go 50 Moore holds ball tight, finds Shag, to which Tim looks at me and says your boy. My boy, I love the sound of that. Again I get hot under the collar I need to run to the bar. My pants might ave moved too. Mr Football Waz enters and the Ransta also joins the table. Dees goal as Shag tried to tackle but was too late Samurai taps to Pamela, Tim says hes the best ruckman hes seen in 50 years. Fred informs me, look at the end of the game Pamelas points will all be crucial to the win. I couldn/t agree more. He demands the sound be put up. Waz says why we need sounds, I say for the stoopid comments. Waz makes the claim if we just want that we should ave Parliament question time on instead. True, but I cant relate to that, wheres if they kick more goals they/ll win I can relate to. Samurai goals, theres six of us to get the high 5s and cha cha chas this is gonna be tough. I think we do a reasonable job but GG aint impressed and only gives us a 3 out of 10. 30-14. Moores on the telly and we all agree hes a gorgeous man. Anyway, specking of handsome, Samurai DDTs a Dee and taken for high Matrix manages to stop the charge has a run finds the Gooster hes being held but manages to soccer it from 15, oh fuck me what a goal 36-14. Hyphen takes an outstanding mark Samurai to Trav back to the Hyphen Speedboy Son of Rowdy no mark Sier runs in and misses. Crisp straight to Dees Sidie to Krebs as GG takes the light out for the first time this season. Dees goal. Great mark from Cox 55 out but Dees take a pack mark just short of goals. BT says that enormous confidence right there. I would ave thought you could ave just said confidence and left it there. Trav to Krebs awful kick but Dole Cheque scoops in amazing 43-21. Samurai to Dole Cheque again and im walking over to hi 5 but I blow my load too soon.  We all do as its just a point. Tim Watson claims the Dees need speed. He doesn/t say where they/re going to find it. Certainly not at the POW. It/s at the G, that/s near Victoria Street. Id like to see Watson out there chasing.  Cox marks, Hamish says slight linage to Cox, GG says like society. Fred informs me, look at the end of the day Cox Shag Demons. Unfortunate the Sun didn/t ave that as there headline on Tuesday.
Half Time
Pies 44
Dees 23
Half time consists of kick to kick in the carpark. Only one car was hit. I was able to kick a footy while with a fag in my mouth. Hey Bucks can anyone on the list do that? A Cramps dance party happens, and GG decides he doesn/t want to play kick to kick by playing rugby and the only one to score a try, or score at all. Why is it a try? In gridiron when you score it/s a touchdown, that/s inspiring, try is like ah ya had a go. Anyway, Dees miss to start BT says the Dees need a patch whatever that is. Fred reckons they need speed, or a smoker. If that/s the case id be all Australian level. Gorgeous Moore marks and we all cheer for the handsome one. Pamela to Brownlow to Trav. Fred demands I get on to the shoehorn and tell Bucks to decapitate one of the Dees. I do my Ross Lyon voice meaning no one will understand what im on about. Trav kicks to Pamela, John says another crucial point is coming up, hes right. Tim Watson says he needs to find his mind. Maybe he needs my top half of my head, wherever the fuck that is. Finally Pamela gets another goal, GG say his new name should be BFT, ie Bout Fucking Time. BT says hes trying to focus on mark of the year when he shouldn/t. I think he was more concerned taking the mark and if he got a nomination for mark of the week well good on him. Dees goal but you wouldn/t know due to BTs lack of enthusiasm. GG says if they get two more it will be interesting and Fred inform that’s why he gets the big bucks. Dees ave a shot as it take that as a piss break. When I enter the CEO Pete is here I ask if they got the goal, Rosie did her best Chewie on the boot. Bless that women. Brownlow kicks from 50 Gooster beats a Dees amazing read of the ball 56-31. Dees get one back and again the commentators ain/t even pumping em up. Speedboy kicks out on the full, Sidie goes sharp from a Dees an amazing soccer from the Hyphen lands another goal, the the Hyphen wins a tap out from the Samurai and gets a two peat 68-37. Fred tells me the Dees goals are peppered while the Dees are saulted. Dole Cheques gets one more to close the quarter again the hi 5s are all over the shop but Sam says that shows passion
3 quarter time
Pies 74
Dees39
We cut to the great man Barassi. I saw him recently near Fitzroy St, but thought don/t approach the great man unless he speaks to you first.  Dees take a great mark, Hamish screams you beauty, as if people will be quoting him in years to come, fucking idiot can/t even think of anything original. As lame as Stephen Quartermains Leo Barry you star quote was, at least its original. Me and Pete take time out to praise the Shag, Pete says it’s a safe bet to go to the TAB and bet Pies for the flag and Shag for Norm Smith and Brownlow. What could go wrong? Son of Rowdy runs 30 meters a hell of a run passes to Pamela, ah I think hes found his mind. 84-55. John mentions despite the score the Dees ave not run out of legs and its a credit to em, but also how they/re coming but we/re not giving up the lead. We text Jason to ask if he remembers who the coach is. Me and Pete are also laying the seeds for Awards Night, GG will get best reference and tram tracker and taking the lights out. Speedboy Cox and Hyphen get goals as GGs Loaded fries come out and I raise the Shoehorn for victory.
Game Over
Pies 98
Dees 57
Overall I solid performance, I think we can still play better, and while theres players to come in its gonna be interesting to see whose gonna go. I want Wills back. But they seemed tired so hopefully the week off will do em good. They/ve earned it. Will also be interesting to see how many votes the Shag gets, im guessing 7 votes from this game. As said the boys need a week off but fuck so do we. We really need that camp to get us up for starch for the run home.
Thanks for reading, Onyas
GO PIES

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Round 10 v Swans

Pies v Swans

Well all season ive been tipping the Swans thinking they gotta come good, and they ave, with two wins on the trot they now play us. But we ave a good record over there so should be a ripper. And Very excited to see Wells has been recalled. But so has the big Budweiser, who has always put on a clinic against us.

Me and Peter arrive at Surabaya Johnnys to escort Fred to the Balaclava. We leave the place at 7:35 giving us 15 minutes to spear, a very gettable walk. Rachael accompanies us as her place is on the way. M Ward is our walking music to the Bala. We discuss the box in the tree neat Town Hall and how long we ave to admire the art. Fred says hopefully the box hasn/t fallen on someone and crushed em making em an accordion, a la Loony Toons cartoons. With a few minutes to spear to the bounce we don/t ave the two minutes Pete had potted down, so we will ave a slow walk instead of stopping. We walk past the tree and find out it aint there. I point out it was another tree but am shouted down. With no concrete box nothing is stopping us from getting to the pub. We missed the bounce by 45 seconds as we see GG and Viv with the seats ready to go. Pete very kindly gets the first round in. Pamela minors to get us off the mark. Sidie taps the ball out for a thrown in 70 from home. Swans spend a minute chipping round to each other, Swans fella all alone 30 out and goals. Basil says swans first on the board even though Pamela got the first score. Fucking idiot. Gentlemen Jim Bartel says the Hyphen and a Swan will be the battle of the game. Big words Jim, BT no doubt will by writing that down so he can steal that line. The lovely Rose enters, her chewy on the boot form was outstanding last year so we need all that tonight. Dole Cheque marks, good to see theres fuck all on TV so he got off the couch. Fred says he knows all the words to the Dawsons Creek song. I don/t want to wait for my life to be over, thats the words to the song right? GG looks disapproving but fuck it that was a big show when I was in primary school. Anyway Dole Cheque misses. Swans take it up straightaway and the big Budweiser goals, down by 10. Swans bloke kicks out of bounds, I want deliberate and I get it. Ball goes 50 Allir goes a mighty bulldog tackle to Beams, Cunt Carey said geez Beams is good when hes fit. Well no its no good if anyone is unfit, useless twat. Fred says its just like last week in the Members bar watching the game at the pub, and the games in the public bar. Beams to Wills but cant find anyone and leads to a throw in. Linda asks me if im taking states. And I say yes and shes doing a great job. BT bangs on about the Reid vs Reid contest, we call Sam the evil Reid. Pies go 50 but Swans are everywhere. Aish takes a top mark kicks to Dole Cheque handballs to Wells poor kick but Greenwood scoops but he gives away a free followed by a 50, leading to a shot from 50 but misses. Screwdriver kicks to a Swan but is tapped over. Gentleman Jim says the Pies needed that mark. Hope Bucks heard that. Pamela 50 out goes short to the Shag keeps it in play Madigan from 50 but leads to the Swans charging. Budweiser holds Roughead and Roughy is awarded a free, Buddy moans even though the free was there. Evil Reid goals down by 16, or the Weak Reid according to Rose. Pacsi walks in and calls us smart people and no bullshit with us and we/re not pissed yobs. I agree with the no bullshit part but wait till the third quarter for the pissed part. Thumping kick from Screwdriver but no pies there Madigan to the Hyphen Krebs to Greenwood Shag to Wells, 30 out and welcome back 19-9. Reid with a weird handball again to Wells Matrix to Pamela, hits the post with 90 seconds left, Fred asks if I brought the shoehorn, I sheepishly say I left it at home, Pete says Bucks will be getting the boots on as motivation for the Pies in the next quarter. Roughead beats Buddy as the ball goes over the line and he moans for not deliberate.

Quarter Time

Pies 10

Swans 19

While taking a piss Pasci tells me someone threw a fart bomb at Stewart the barman. Hes a solid lad so fuck that guy that did that. Pasci kindly provides the evidence from the bin. Starchy ball into the Swans 50 but Howe controls the ball. Basil says Samurais price tag keeps going up. Kicks out on the full. Hey Basil has his price gone down I need to know. Leads to nothing Wills is hit and given a free for high, kicks to Samurai  Brownlow juggles and marks back to Wills kicks to a pack ball is loose and leads to ump throwing in. Speedboy snaps from the throw for a minor. He really misses the POW. Rough once again nails Buddy Sloppy ball to Pamela kicks to Reid but cant hold on. Matrix kicks from nowhere dribbles in from 25 and thats a Captains Goal down by 2. Soccer from the center to Wells 25 out what a goal as we hit the front 23-19. Dole Cheque is back, I guess he found something on the telly. I guess MacGyver is on Fridays. But misses, up by 5. Samurai to Beams to the Shag, 50 out kicks to Krebs who kicks to sweet fuck all. Reid v Reid again which the commentators are getting wet over. Reid to Wells for this third major, HES BACK 30-19. We cut to Bucks with no lights on in the box. As Speedboy kicks to a swan who kicks to the Hyphen to Son of Rowdy, shot from 30 on the boundary cant make it and leads to a rushed behind. Up by 7. Swans goals straightaway as GG points out BTs call of is there any value to two minutes? I don/t know is there any value to any time in the game, fucking idiot. Shag to Speedboy to Pamela. He nails it but thats all Shags doing 38-31. Shag to Speedboy and misses. Wills is down Basil must let us know hes down and feeling it. Onya Baz. Greenwood takes a mark of the year, or of the week but the kick is useless. BT says geez the pies wouldn/t want to concede a goal at this stage. Is there any point that you would want to concede a goal BT?. Buddy nudges Rough and that will do us for 15 minutes.

Half Time

Pies 40

Swans 31

We cut to the Foxtel coverage as we see expert commentator from Jonathan Brown, I cant understand a word from that brickhead as that bloke I call mate enters the room. Fred drops his bag at home, just round the corner but as the game commences he aint here. We believed hes done a Phantom. Swans miss at BT says that would ave been a good start. But they goal not long after that. Gotta say every time the Swans get the ball you can hear the crowd roaring but when the Pies ave it you can hear a pin drop. Disappointing effort from our crowd. But youre talking to someone who spends most his time at the pub rather the game so I shouldn/t talk. Wells to Dole Cheque to Reid with a shit kick and takes the lead to three points. Wells is back on his feet on the boundary. I scream HES BACK. Pete thinks im talking bout Wells but im talking Fred as I see him walk in. as Son of Rowdy nails it from 40, 47-38. Swans goal as Shag was looming but is ineffective, rare for him. GG says he doesn/t do much. I agree but he does it well. Fred tells us how earlier in the day he had to run for a tram. What was going through his head? What would Shag do? We go 50 and Rose wants a mark in the 50 but unfortunately shes gonna ave to wait a little while. Reid v Reid again. It/s a great contest but the callers are ruining it calling it as if its Clash of the Titians or something. BT wants Cox back as do we all. Howe takes a top mark a bunch of handballs in the 50 and nothing happens. Swans kick to Greenwood, Aish to the Hyphen to Dole Cheque brilliant stuff 53-44. Swans 35 out Samurai saves the ball but kicks to a pack which leads to Buddys hands and he shows why he is so good with a top goal. Roughead has been good on Buddy but only takes one loss contest to lead to a goal. Meanwhile Fred tells me a story of a mate of his working for Meat Loaf, and how he left the stage mid song took a piss on the side of the stage at the grand final after match gig. Wish someone filmed that would ave better than what we saw before the game. Throw up Shag kicks high in the air as we find out the Swans ave a player called Blakey which leads to all of us doing our Blakey impersonation from On the Buses. The bloke in the booth says we nailed it.

3 quarter time

Pies 62

Swans 54

Pete is using my notes to roll some air so coverage of the final quarter is delayed as I decided it/s a good time to take a piss break. Evil Reid cant mark as Pamela is playing back for some reason, Hyphen is given a free from 50, pete asks if we do the hyphen before or after the cha cha chas, I say after, but doesn/t matter as it/s a terrible kick. Evil Reid has a shot but misses now trailing by 10. Evil Reid marks as BT says something bout ER cumming on the ball. Not sure if thats some footy term I never heard of before of BT is pulling himself raw thinking of the latest episode of Roaming Brian that it seems only he enjoys. Hyphen cant redeem himself as Fred and Pete want the Hyphen taken out of his name.BT twice says what a great picture that is, what I don/t know But as GG says thats what BT is seeing not the kicker. Great kick from Sidie to Reid kicks high to the square, Shag is on his back and kicks the most Shag like goal and goal of the year as we blow the roof off the pub. Straightaway Samurai wins the ruck contest, Son of Rowdy runs and runs and runs and goals. GG questions if he should ave been pinned for not bouncing the ball, I cant reverse the decision so i/ll take it. Swans 50 spin around with a kick that just falls short of out on the full. Brownlow kicks to Reid but pinned which leads to umps ball. Samurai kicks a crucial point as Fred says we need three more crucials. Reid is given a free for holding, never in doubt 74-64. Howe holds Buddy and he cracks the shits. BT asks Gentleman Jim What the Swans need to do, and he gives Jim two minutes to come up with an answer. First, BT asks if theres any use in two minutes, now he wants to know what the answer is. I don/t know, kick two goals. Fred wants Kate Miller-Heidke on the goal post shaking the post to prevent a goal. Swans snap from 25 is touched, kick in straight to the Swans and they goal now down by 2. We see Samurai off the ground with five minutes to go. BT says he needs to get back on, he said anything will work, even Hemorrhoid cream. I hope I never meet his doctor. Crisp hits a great tackle, Beams to Shag 40 out. Shags gonna be the savor. He misses but ump blows the whistle and Shags given a 50 and that takes us to 80-72. Rose is not happy as she doesn/t want to win like that. The free was there and also the bloke that gave that was the bloke who jumped on the post in the Bombers game. Is that karma? Cunt Carey says the Swans need to take risks, as BT says the Swans really need a goal. Hope Longmire is listening to those special comments. Beams marks in the Swans 50 as BT calls it with 30 seconds to go.

GAME OVER

Pies 80

Swans 73

After the game we go out for a fag, as two young ladys stroll by, they love my shirt and Freds, they unbutton Petes jacket to see his, they call is a fun group as they bugger off somewhere, as Pete GG and I jump on the 16. None of us touch on. As we bid goodnight to Pete me n GG push on to Dogs for the one. Well for me anyway. I felt fine but after almost finishing a pint GG tells me I look like ive consumed a lot of beer. With that its KFC and bed for me.

Another scrappy win but you can only get the four points against however you play. As Pete says at the end of the year it will just be another four points. Sam Reid and Allir were both outstanding and almost won the game, but Roughead for me was brilliant on Buddy and kept him quiet. Onto Freo this week, see you at either the Bala or the G.

Go Pies

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Round 16 v Hawks

Above meme courtsey of me mate Nick (GO ROOSTERS)

Aving come off our poorest performance in a while im hoping the Pies bounce back tonight. I certainly thought we/d put up a better effort against North. I thought North would struggle for the rest of the season but there now serious finals contenders and can beat anyone on their day with the way the/ve been playing, I put it all down to Rhyce Shaw. He never seemed like the coaching type, senior coach at least. On him for turning the Roos round. Anyway the Hawks ave been our bogie team the last decade. Since that win over the Hawks in the 2011 Prelim we/ve only beaten em once. So while the bookies ave us as favorites im certainly not reading too much into that. One of the reasons im putting last weeks loss down to is the fact none of us watched the game, so with the team back together lets see if we can get back on the W board  And also welcome to Isaac Quaynor who is the new face in hell tonight

I get to Surabaya Johnnys bit before 7 to see Fred and Dave belt out some classic tunes. Pete aint far behind me, as well as Tez and GG. THE game starts at 7 so im sweating bullets that we/re gonna make it on time for the bounce. The Second Blackmolls set starts bout 7:10, so after two songs I wave and tell Pete I gotta bolt, as Tez and GG escort me down. We arrive at the Balaclava with seven minutes to go. Perfect, as GG takes control of arranging the tables while I get a round in and ave a fag and can relax knowing I can pack it all in before the bounce. But as we settle in Terry demands this rubbish be taken off the TV, the rubbish being rugby. I agree theres no need for this nonsense to be seen at the Bala, thankfully we get the real football on. Theres a nice couple behind us, later on in the game I formally meet them, lovely couple and good pies fans Jim and Rose. As Terry said if they had a child would they call it Circus, but as Rose points out this is a circus. Very nice people and hope you enjoy this new rant.

David King says Collingwood can score from clearances. Thats the kind of special comments you get from the stats expert right there. Sara Jones calls his a blockbuster round. It wasn/t looking back. Anyway lets get to the game. You know its gonna be a shit night when the first voice you hear is BT

Free to Samurai kicks to the Gooster Crisp Sidie tumbles Isaac picks up the Shag is there doing something Sier handballs to the Hyphen, Dole Cheque tackles bloke is paid holding, 40 from home as I scream EVERYBODY LOVE RAYMOND. 6-0. Nice to see Dole Cheque got off the couch this time. Moore hit in the Hawks 50 Scharenberg with the lot finds Isaac Cox Hawks find the ball and nail a goal, as Bruce says good response. Well Bruce it really was the only response. Do people feel sorry for him is that why he/s employed? 6 all. Samurai to Brownlow Speedyboy Matrix finds Brownlow brilliant kick 12-6 but fuck no Fred and Pete I cant cha cha cha by myself. Good run from Krebs punches the ball for a minor for the Hawks Shag nails a good tap to Sidie back to Shag he/s hit and me and Terry want this thug dragged and delisted. No one touches my boy. Shag nails a good kick. Well it looked good but went to the Hawks. Er that was the winds fault. We cut to Moore, Richo tries to make a funny by saying Moore looks like Lloyd Christmas. This is followed by silence for a few seconds, before BT asks who Lloyd is. Considering Lloyd Christmas was Jim Carreys Character in Dumb and Dumber, its an ironic statement as it sums up the banter between BT and Richo. Dole Cheque has the ball as Kev and Michelle both enter. Kev wearing a wonderful Billy Chilish shirt while Michelle said she got a Holly Golightly shirt, what a cool couple. Shag gets a touch as me and Terry add up he/s had 180 Brownlow votes. Roughead rushes the ball for a point fans want deliberate but they aint getting it. Richo says the problem is the Pies aint getting shots on goal. Well as I said Bruce must ave a job as people must feel sorry for him. Whats the reason Richio has a job? Shag is there, and thats enough Hawks ave the ball but the dill does a fucking dribble from 40 and misses. Fred and Pete enter As Jack Gunston misses from five meters out, BT has a go at comedy by saying that was more Norman Gunston then Jack Gunston. Gooster nails it from 40 out. Me and Pete hi 5 but Freds stuck in the front bar. 18-9. Now Terry has written some filth on my notes re the hyphen. And even worse about Bucks. Sorry Tez I won/t be writing it, what I will say is Ross Lyon looks like a Muppet . Shag touches the ball on the Hawks line, but it takes four minutes to finally figure  out it/s a point. CARROL (in Peep Temple voice) joins us. Matrix free finds Cox dribble from 15 out 25-10. Finally we/re all here me Pete and Fred nail the hi 5s and cha cha chas. GG asks if im calling it. I say Yes im calling its smoko. As Pete appoints me captain of the quorum. I asked him if he could ave consulted me on this. So I tell him I want him and Fred to do 20 hi 5s while im gone

Quarter Times

Pies 24

Hawks 11

Tez kindly gets his round in as GG tells Jim and Rose bout these rants as later I help em find the rant on Fred site. Hope your reading this guys and see yous at the Bala on Friday.

Good hit by Hyphen on the line from 50 finds Cox but cant hold it Throw in Samurai good kick but misses Pete not impressed by the table set up. Daicos to Cox Hawks mark which Bruce calls an important mark. Important hey? Forget Leo Barry, this was an important. Pete wants to know how long the kitchen is open for, we inform him its shut cause the chef is sick. Pete calls it paramagate. Hawks mark as Pete says if they nails this the callers will be all over the Hawks, or plant the seed that there on the rise. Freds called it, its anyones game. Shag has the ball couldn/t find a target Dacios finds the pill and gets a crucial point. Cunt Carey makes some reference to Fairside which makes us all scream Garry Larson. Hawks goal up by 3 points. Fred says I should get on to the Shoehorn but he/s probably sick of me calling. BT cant tell the difference between Daicos and Brown. Isaac to Crisp Cox soccers to Rough marks 20 from Hawks goal another shit dribble from Hawks 40 out leads to a point. Hyphen to the Shag 50 out Daicos marks 40 out bang 34-25, we cut to his dad and get on my knees and scream we aint worthy. Theres a Hawks bloke named Shields Fred asks if it was Kevin Shields from My Bloody Valentine, I say nah as he wouldn/t be hard enough for the game. And im a massive gan of the Valentine, not exactly know for there humour, Fred reckons this Shields should start a band called My Chuckles Valentine

Screwdriver to Dole Cheque Brownlow Sidie taps free against Aish hyphen pushed Hawks free, Gooster smoothers as I get on Dave Warners Half Time at The Football

Half Time

Pies 34

Hawks 26

Fred calls Jason Dunstall a bold headed flog which I say you cant say anymore as Pete enters with fish and Chips. After the game Foxtel is showing comedy legend Andrew Gaze being interviewed by Bob Murphy. If thers a reason to stick around. Seriously Gaze makes Danny Frawley look like Tony Martin, whoever said Gaze should try comedy should ave ingrown toenails for a month. BT claims theres a lot riding on this game. Samurai takes a great mark, Bruce doesn/t label it important. Krebs is hit shit dribble kick from Hawks Matrix free in back. Bruce says its an arm wrestle. Please go away you fool. Im thinking don/t say it/s a low scoring game. He says it. Sigh Terry demand Scully shaves those sideburns. Scharenberg with the lot gets a touch as we again discuss whats on a Scharenberg with the lot. I want two layers of cheese which Pete approves, runny egg which Terry disapproves. We all agree no beetroot, caramelized onions. Hawks goal, thank god for that crucial point we got the other quarter. Shag hit and Free to Hawks on the boundary, we want this pricks blood. Anyway the daft idiot has a kick from the boundary but takes too much time so he has to kick from there haha. BT says the hawks are in the hunt. Is anyone gonna make a good comment that I, the viewer cant figure out myself? And Luke Darcy, hes not on the coverage but I feel like giving him a clip, just because you talk a lot doesn./t mean you make sense or good opinions. Who/s idea was it to put him on air? An ordinary ruckman in an ordinary side, who decided we need to hear more from this bloke? Bruce says there ranking up numbers but not on the scoreboard. Ah again can you say anything we cant figure ourselves? Another discussion of what should be on a Scharenberg with the lot. Pete wants mayo, I prefer tomato source Dole Cheque marks 45 out just misses up by 2. Shit call as Hawks go 50 and get a point. Bruce claims he cant get his head round this game. I cant get around how he can dress himself in the morning. My mate Missi enters and leaves, great to ave a cameo from her as our mate Terry also bids goodbye. Cox cant hold the mark from Daicos ball out of bounds. Gooster runs from 40 out amazing 43-32. Bruce said he loves that man Sidebottom. I cant think of a better way to end this quarter

3 quarter time

Pies 43

Hawks 31

Chad Morgans Double decker blowflys plays in Freds speakers outside. We miss two crucial points the Hawks scored. Shag marks 50 out finds Matrix BT says its a good opportunity. Misses but gains crucial point. Aish to Crisp Cox drops again Billy to Hyphen marks 40m out. Pete wants to know do we do the hyphen after or before the cha cha chas.. As the captain i make the call after. he nails it 51-33. GG gives the hyphens and cha cha chas 7.5. Since ios my first as a captain im pleased. Hawks mark 20 out GG says they need this. Hits the post. Bruce says that was a missed chance. Screwdriver marks, kicks to Hawk as Bruce reminds us its a big last quarter. Hawks 50 out Samurai knees a bloke in back but no mark as Hawks goal as Bruce says it gives em belief while GG is in disbelieve at that awful comment. Krbes holds on to Hawk Gooster to Billy to Sier Shag chases Hawk but he marks 20 out and goal now Pies by 4. Buck aint happy. so its as good a time to discuss again  Scharenberg with the lot, runny egg everyone agrees needs to be included. Hawks get a goal and another as BT says some weird comment on how the Pies fans are sitting in their seats right now, well i guess you know nothing about football you gotta say something. Matrix to Shag to Sier and Fred gets his wish as we sigh down by 3 GG calls it next goal will win the game. Fucking Hawks goal. Matrix straight away to Billy Isaac marks find Dole Cheque but held. BT ask where are the Pies gonna find two goals? Maybe there boots? Isaac finds the Hyphen 20 out. BT says its game on if he kicks this.It wasn/t game on the last three and three quarter quarters? Seriously piss off. Nails it. Down by 3, and nothing happens with two minutes to go so i/ll leave it there.

GAME OVER

After the one at the ESPY and tapping out at Dogs I grab a car home. When the Taxi sees my scarf he just says what the fuck happened? I hope he had the answer cause I sure don/t know. Not sure what to make of it. Great first quarter, the third was mostly Hawks but they only managed a goal. I guess the game was there to be won and we weren/t good enough. At this rate we won/t make the top four. Theres blokes to come in sure, but the team that took the field had every chance to win on Friday, so im not sure what the answer is. On the up side Isaac made a hell of a first impression. He certainly held his spot for next week.

Well, crucial game on Friday against the Eagles, a loss her is a massive blow to top four hopes and they/ve had the jump on us in the last two years, plus coming off a strong win in Freo it will be a hard slog. Will see what happens.

See yous at book club.

Go Pies

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Eric Bischoff

Eric Bischoff ran WCW in the 90s turned it into the hottest wrestling company at the time and the biggest show with Nitro. Eric now co hosts 83 Weeks with Conrad Thompson looking back at his time running the company.

Munster: what is the main difference between the live show and the podcast?

Eric: well the live shows are much more interactive, with the studio its just me and Conrad Thompson, with the live show the audience is very much apart of the show. On this tour I invite one, possibly more people on stage and see if they have the chops to do their best Conrad Thompson. But you hear a lot of the same things from the podcast plus some other stuff, some light hearted and comedic stuff and stories that haven’t been told, and details that stand out in people’s minds like the podcast

Munster: I interviewed Bruce Prichard recently and he said there are stories he tells live he can’t tell on the podcast because it might be too blue for the podcast, any of that with your live show?

Eric: yeah we have advertisers and we’re rough around the edges and we don’t say many f bombs but there are stories that aren’t appropriate for a sponsored show so plenty of stories you won’t hear on the podcast.

Munster: Your cohost on 83 Weeks is Conrad Thompson, how did you become associated with him and what was his pitch for 83 Weeks?

Eric: Conrad thought there was an audience that was interested in the details of the Monday night wars era. There have been books and documentaries and a thousand interviews on it. I wasn’t that sure that there was an audience for it as its been done but Conrad was confident with sufficient research we can present that content in a fresh way and so far it’s been great.

Munster: The Monday Night Wars started when Nitro went head to head with raw, did you have any idea what would play out?

Eric: no not at all I had goals and targets of course but I don’t think anyone in their right mind could predict what was going to happen. We were a distant second, and by second I mean light years away number 2 to the WWF. My goal and target was to do 60-75% of their rating in my first year I was there. My goal was to achieve that and in the next two or three years we could catch up to the. We exceeded that in the first four months.

Munster:  You started your wrestling career in the AWA, what was it like working with the owner Vern Gagne and did his mentoring help you when you ran WCW?

Eric: yes and no I learned the business from a very fundamental level from the ground up. Vern was a very good teacher not that he was always teaching me necessarily. I would listen to Vern coach talent, and how to do promos and teaching psychology and how to make good story telling to happen inside of the ring. So I was a fly on the wall and a fly with very good hearing I was able to grab a real education on  a broad spectrum of the wrestling business, in directing talent but also in terms of sponsorship and advertising sales TV station network relations all the things you need to be successful in business and I got that from Vern. So when I arrived at WCW what that gave me was a broad skilled set when it came to the wrestling business. I wasn’t a wrestler but I could do everything else whether it was promoting or syndicating TV and also being an on air talent, so it gave me a good advantage when I applied for the top WCW role.

Munster: You joined the AWA in the late 80s which was the beginning of the end of the AWA and it seems they died a slow death, what was Vern like to deal with? Did he think he could survive and stay in business or did he see the writing on the wall?

Eric: Vern was a very stubborn man and a fighter he was a football player and a great Olympic level amateur wrestler, so people like that are very competitive and stubborn, I think he knew the writing was on the wall but he wasn’t going to tap out.

Munster: AWE recently had their debut pay per view Double or Nothing which was a hit, do you think they have a chance of being a competitive number two promotion or will they be a niece product like ROH and New Japan?

Eric: well I think after what has happened in the last few months AWE is in a position to be a very successful promotion, there thinking a lot more broader than some of the companies you mentioned ROH haven’t really charged there production or how they present there product, its very low production very minimal audience. But it has a purpose, there on Sinclair Broadcasting and they get syndication but they don’t appear to do much more with them so I don’t see them growing. New Japan doesn’t seem to have much focus. There focusing on live events which is fine as it appears to be making money but they don’t seem to have established themselves in the states and I don’t think they will unless they have a different business model or a different set of goals. But as you say with them being competitive, that’s a key word

Munster: You mentioned on the Monday Night Wars DVD you had the chance to buy WCW and they offered you everything but the TV time, but one of the things they offered you was the Video library. Now in 2000 YouTube and streaming sits didn’t/t exist but if it was available at the time would you have jumped on it?

Eric: Well sure, it would be like if I knew when to buy a winning lottery ticket at the right time I would do that too. Clearly none of those platforms where contemplated or an idea in the distant future, but had it and it was available today absolutely, but there’s no way knowing what will happened twenty years in the future, especially with technology

Munster: When Nitro was taken in 2001 do you think the rating justified the axing or do you think they were still doing good enough numbers to stay on the air?

Eric: lets put it this way AWE that are hoping to get on Turner Network, they will need some of the lowest number Nitro had if they want to stay on TV. Even in our lowest numbers we were still getting one or two million people a week at our lowest point right now it would be a huge hit, so to answer the question yes.

Munster: LA Parka was in WCW and is one of my all time favorites do you have any memories of him?

Eric: not a lot I didn’t deal directly with all the talent some I did some I didn’t some a little bit some in between but I don’t speak Spanish and only a few of the Mexican wrestlers spoke English so I didn’t deal a lot with the Mexican wrestlers and only a few spoke fluent English, he was always friendly and professional but I didn’t get to know him

Munster: do you have any aspirations of getting back into wrestling?

Eric: I don’t think too much on screen not at this stage of my life not because I don’t want top and not that I can’t but the public has seen me as more of an authority figure for 25 years in WCW and WWE if I came back the crowd would be excited for a month because when someone old returns they get excited but after a month it feels failures and he did that same thing in 1997 so I think they would be tired of it. But behind the scenes is something different I have mixed emotions there’s that creative side even quick idea whether  you’re in a gym for a pub you have that idea and the more you think about it the bigger it gets and that comes from a random thought and i miss that as well as working with young talent how to cut promos, and taking someone who doesn’t a have the skills or is intimidated and taking them aside and giving them aside and then it gets to the point they can’t wait to cut a promo. But I don’t miss the travel, so there’s goof and bad, there’s times I miss it then times I don’t but that’s mostly the travel

Munster: what are you most proud of your time running WCW?

Eric: creating Nitro presenting a new show out of thin air a new format presenting the product in a new way from the WWE is something I’ll be very proud of but I really don’t think about it much I only remember the good stuff I didn’t think of the bad stuff unless it gets brought up in conversation. But also getting to watch my kids grow up in the business it was an exciting time for my family, they saw different parts of the world they never would have got to see.

Munster: whats next?

Eric: I stay busy doing more of these live shows going to do 30 shows in Canada working on a movie projects for Netflix which is a new chance to learn from the entertainment business, but really I’m just staying busying 

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Round 11 v Freo

Alright, before we get to the game heres a few things I wanna say. Daisy Thomas, I never liked you, I was glad when you left as it gave me a reason to dislike you, I always thought of you as a highlights package not a four quarter player. But I understand your need to get on the source. Fuck I would if I was at the Baggers. But drinking six wines in a public place? Such a stoopid thing to do, but again he plays for the Baggers. So Daisy, join me at the Bala tonight. The $7 pints pf VB are on me. A bunch of Richmond supporters ave been suspended for saying green maggot. For fuck sake. Now im all for clamping down on abuse at the footy, but how long has the term white maggot excited? Some people go to the footy to left off steam after a week at work or whatever, and while the umpires ave a rough job they do get it wrong from time to time, several times that make my head explode even when my team aint playing. I find nothing wrong with screaming maggot out as long as it aint right in the umps face. Next we won/t be able to leave our seats. And the great China expansion. Less then 10,000 people came to a game that would ave at least got another 15,000 extra had it been played at either teams home ground. And for what? The game that wasn/t on the telly and saw the saints lose a key player and half the team, and even the coach all got sick. Gil, cut your losses and end this experiment, or if your gonnna go back make it a pre season game not for four points. Gil is looking for and more like Gil from the Simpsons. Shut up Gil close the deal all that.

Anyway onto the Freo game. The Pies ave had a hell of a run but  you never know how Freo are gonna do, so im expecting the unexpected. The day before I walked out of my work and saw none other than Ross Lyon out the front looking lost, he turned around and then we walked side by side with each other for 200 meters. Ive mentioned before how Ross talks like the adults in Peanuts. So the whole 200 meters I just wanted to spit out WHA WHA WHA. But I resisted. Anyway onto the game.

Walk in and find no one here. i decide to ave a fag with five minutes to go. i walk in 30 seconds in and see we/ve scored a point. Our regular seats are taken and i take a seat behind the beam.  And about 20 seconds later the Gooster goals. i ave so much fake sperm brewing up its good to unease. i see theres a commentator called Adam Papalia that ive never heard call a game but i/ll keep an open mind so best of luck young man, mind you the bar hasn/t exactly been raised commentary wise. Shot high in the square and Sidie hits the ball out but Freo control and line up 35 out. Low kick that is never gonna make the distance, and is punched over for the ump to throw in. Moore marks as Ross says something no one understands. Another entry in Freos 50 as Moore kicks to the Gooster Dole Cheque marks 15 out and misses an sitter for fuck sake, with DC missing an easy shot I get the feeling this is gonna be a long day., he must ave strayed up til 4AM watching Rage. From the kick in the Gooster snaps for a minor. Shit kick in lands straight to the Matrix clever kick from Dole Cheque 15 out and misses. The Greek fella next to me tells me that Port are shit at kick goals. i/ll take his word for it. Fred enters as Freo miss. Six minutes in the skill level is appalling. Trav to Pamela Brownlow Samurai is the target but is beaten. Crisp kicks but the fool is pinned for holding, weird kick from Freo sees Moore hold things up Sidie straight to Freo push forward Freo goal. Fred mentions the Its good for Footy Show where Sidie sing the Collingwood theme songs saying if you don/t like it you can get stuffed. What a top fella. Freo go forward thankfully miss. 9-9. Fred tells me how there was a spread on Son of Rowdy in the Age. Apparently he doesn/t like the title. Son of Rowdy. Just cop it. ive named you that and im not that bright to think of a new name so just cop it. He mentions how he aint seen the 1990 grand final expect fore when his dad was wacked. Son of Rowdy, watch the whole fucjking game for fuck sake, the way you kick for goal you need to watch that wonderful moment to inspire you to kick better. Your dad wouldn/t ave that attitude. Screwdriver good hit on Freo leads to ball up 60 meters out Freo goal fuck. Shit kick from Krebs but Greenwood marks 10 out from Freo goal Brownlow to the Hyphen Roughead Shag kicks backwards which Fred calls smart eventually Gooster is bout 55 out and kicks a fucking dribble kick and of course theres no one there. Trav to Pamela but can/t hold on The Shag has stopped four entries in a row. theres got the three votes for today already.. But leads to sweet fuck all as Freo goal. 15 all. Freo enter the 50 again as Howe is fucking touched on his shoulder no free as Freo goal again. The party next to us ave done a phantom as we take their seats and i turn the sound up. We enter the 50 and a Captains tackle from Matrix free against a bloke we call Fake Shag. Never on doubt scores again levelled. One last shot to Freo due to fuck idiotic deliberate decision but Freo does fuck all with it.

Quartier Time

Pies 21

Freo21

Sarah Jones says Bucks wont be happy with Dole cheque. Maybe he can get off the couch for me more 15 minutes to make him happy. i run outside for a fag, some fella screams Motorhead and a scream fuck yeah due to my shirt. i butt out and see my work. Two fags smoked 70% full. This is my way of cutting back. Pies kick a minor. Matrix to Brownlow Dole Cheque cant mark the Gooster to Trav crushed Freo goes 50 Krebs pinned. I hear a bloke names Bukowski? is he a Freo player? Nah the only sport he liked was Horse racing. Great writer at times, sometimes shithouse. But a terrible drunk. Gooster 60 out tries to find Reid but is bowled over by two Freo blokes pressure from both teams is great. David King bangs on how Bucks has been looking for pressure for years, doesn/t say what king od pressure he was looking for, as if pressure is something you buy in a shop. Dole cheque 55 out kicks straight to Freo BLOKE. Stoopid free given away from Dole Cheque Samurai to Pamela  bad kick from Reid tackled payed holding Trav big kick up in the air, odd choice but the Gooster from 15 from the pocket amazing stuff 28-22. Samurai to Pamela losses the two on one contest Trav is taken for high kick just short Krebs punches the ball which forces a throw in. Samurai Shag to the Hyphen handballs to the Gooster Pamela just on the boundary fuck what a kick 34-22. Beams is given a free 50 out short kick to Crisp leads to nothing. What a stoopid play. Greenwood to Screwdriver Speedboy and again nothing happens sigh. Speedboy to Trav handballs to Beams on the run and thats better  40-22. Freo goals as Fred says maggots to the umpires, but I warn him you can/t say that anymore.

King gives his special comments saying they needed that. I did get a kick out of Brad Scot snubbing that smug git King, him and with his fucking stats trying to act like hes clever when really its just a fancy way of saying if they kick more goals they/ll win. We/ve been seeing a lot of Dole Cheque this game, must be shit on TV today. Fred says Charmed is usually on Saturday. Hated that show when I was a kid, although I do live Shannon Daugherty that was a mistake getting rid of her. But I do like Alyssa Milano, she was great in who’s the Boss. Ah fuck I know too much about Dole Cheques schedule.

Anyway Dole Cheque misses the shot. Howe saves the mark Trav loses the ball Shag punch to Dole Cheque Reid handballs no mark ball up 10 meters Trav to Dole cheque shocking kick out on the full. Adam says maybe Freo ave a chance. With 55 seconds I think they do. Adam this is your first impression and you/re doping a terrible job. Anyway Freo does nothing.

Half Time

Pies 41

Freo 28

Half time we go for air out the back. We get talking bout Daft Punk for some reason. I mention how I loved that One More Time song in high school (I still do, a perfect pop song for me). Then when I was in year 10 I turn on Rage and first thing I see is the new Daft Punk clip, Robot Rock or something. Anyway the whole fucking song was the one beat or riff over and over for 3 and a half minutes thinking what the fuck? This is some brilliant band? All I heard was one bit of music over and over again. I then tell Fred I saw em at the music Bowl ten years ago, maybe longer, I don/t know. I was offered a pinger, and boy it kicked in 20 minutes into the show. And again, everyone was dancing thinking it was the greatest thing in the world and all im hearing is the same fucking sample for ten minutes. I got so annoyed I wanted to storm the booth and take one of their helmets. I stormed to the front. Well I thought I did, the next day I found out from a mate I was walking on the spot for 30 minutes screaming abuse at the band. Thanks god I didn/t say maggot otherwise id be banned from the bowl. They just assumed I was dancing. Top gig. I think……

Back to the broadcast. We see Jesse Hogan, in wish Pete was here as I knew he/d be doing his best Col Klink impression. Since he aint hear its up to me to scream Hooooogggggaaaaannnnnnnn. Roughead marks 30 from the Freo goal, Hogan misses 15 out, why is Pamela playing back? Freo ave a shot but its touched on the mark. David King says Freo need to take chances. Shit kick from Howe leads to throw in. Freo kick a goal, they say was touched, im hoping it is. No dice. Fuck the first five minutes its been all Freo. They/ve only managed two goals but still there not letting the ball leave the 50. We cut to Ross Lyon, again we do the Peanuts  adults voice WHA WHA WHA. Fred says the Peanuts voice was sampled by Daft Punk. Freo hit the lead at some point. Dole Cheque marks but leads to sweet fuck all as it lands straight in a Dockers arm. Crisp handballs to the fake Shag from Freo, this Adam fella says something like Crisp needs to focus more. Hyphen is hit Shag save the day Brownlow hits the post, down by 14. Kicks straight to the fake Shag. David King says Freo needs to cash in. what, Dole Cheques Dole cheque? Maybe it means he/ll be playing in the middle of the ground next week, no more lying on the couch during the game. Freo miss, Adam says that would ave been great if he kick it. Just sigh. Reid marks and nails to get the margin back to eight points. Run to the bar to get my round in, Trav marks in the 50 but the fool plays in with four seconds to go, my heart sinks as we know the clock will beat him. FUCK. This Adam fool says wow we ave a game. Thanks I was wondering what I was watching.

3 quarter times

Pies 54

Freo 58

I run out for a fag as I get on the phone to the CEO. I inform Pete this Adam fella tells us we ave a game. Pete conforms its good to know what we/ve been watching. That/s why he earns the big CEO coin. Anyway, King says the pressure is great, after 10 seconds into the last quarter. Matrix straightway kicks a captains goal to give us the lead. (I just threw out my notes so I don/t know what the score was). Reid is taken high 55 out brilliant kick 66-58. This Bukowski guy sounds like hes on the source with a miss but Hoagn doesn/t and gets the margin back to two points. Aish lands a perfect hip and shoulder, Moore picks up the scraps but kick leads to a throw in. Howe marks from 20 meters out but kicks straight to a Freo bloke Screwdriver but Matrix holds it up, Hyphen is given a free, long kick Pamela is the target but Freo spoil it, there everywhere way to good. Free to Speedboy outstanding 72-64. Well im writing this rant two days after the fact, I had five pints during the game, and my handwriting is even messier than usual so I aint gonna bother writing the rest, so anyway the Pies lost, lets leave it at that.

After the game me and Fred continue our sess, we end up quoting the Who’s on first sketch, and we belt out The Man Whose Head Expanded by the Fall to mystified passes by. The lovely Sam enters for a wine. I always ave time for her. I bid farewell as I must go to Southern FM to appear on Up the Bracket.

The next day I go to Dogs bar for the excellent Peptides/Jack Howard double bill. Jack at one point started playing the Blues theme and dedicates it to the Collingwood fans in the corner then flips us off. Feel played Jack. Hes one of the best blokes I know, again always ave time for him. Fred asks me if im ok after that.

Well, not sure what to make of it. We had every chance to win that game. To many easy opportunities we missed, but when the game was on the line Freo nailed it. There were several minutes where the ball was locked in their 50 and never looked like leaving. There pressure was up there with the best ive seen all year. There was that touched point that wasn/t reviewed. Bah, it was the third quarter, we cant claimed that as robbed. And from the replay I saw it wasn/t conclusive. Like I said Freo played better when it mattered and the better team won, why dwell and make up some excuse that we should ave won when we had several chances to sew up the game. And to my new friend Adam Papalia, you made a very poor first impression im sorry. Goes to show that sports casting in this country is fucked now and will be fucked for the future. When brickheads like Jonathan Brown is being lauded as some kind of expert you know the bar is lowered. You used to ave fucking university degree to be hailed as an expert, it means you were someone whose opinion was respected and sought after. Now a meathead who if it wasn/t for football his only qualification is show business would ave been being shot out of a cannon is being called an expert really does damage to the name.

Anyway I gotta get to work so will wrap this up. Sorry for the extra venom this week. Well I got time for one more. Fuck you Gil for suspending those fans and the stoopid China game. You/re an embarrassment to our game. As Jim Cornette would say thank you fuck you bye.

See yous Monday for the Dees game

GO PIES

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New Japan Southern Showdown review live from Festival Hall

Now. It takes a lot for me to miss a Pies game, but wrestling at Festival Hall? And New Japan? I couldn/t say no. I aint been to a wrestling show in ages, as the only international company that tours in recent years is WWE, and aside from the odd episode of NXT and Revival matches, ive been clean and sober of that rubbish for a few years. Ring of Honor I was big on for a while but lost interest a year ago, Major League Wrestling and New Japan are now the only promotions I go out of my way to watch. As a kid trading tapes with fellow fans New Japan and All Japan always had the best rosters and in ring action and booking that made sense. The Japanese treat wrestling like a ligament sport, the way it should be presented. I missed their show last year, no way was I going to miss this. My mate Amy has been fascinated by my love of the sport so I took her with me, hoping she would see some quality rassling and can show her why his sport is so special to me. The main event for me is the IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship match between UK icon Will Ospreay and hometown hero Robbie Eagles. Hands down the most common wrestling shirt I see these days is the Bullet Club, a heel (bad guy) stable of non Japanese wrestlers. Their popularity is one of the key reasons for NJ to tour. Anyway, lets go to the ring

Toa Henare, Shota Umino, & Nick Bury vs. Mark Tui, Andrew Villalobos, & Michael Richards

We walked in a bit late so missed the first few minutes of the opening bout. Solid start. Im not big on six man tags unless it/s a blow off to a feud. i like the heels keeping Nick Bury in the corner taking turns tagging in and kicking the shit out of him. Eventually he breaks free and tags Umino. He puts one of the heels in a Boston Crab, a move that hasn/t been a finisher for 30 years but the crowd eat it up thinking this will finish it. It doesn/t of course. At one point Villalobos and Henare trade blows. When Henare lands a blow the fans pop and boo when Villalobos nails one. I didn/t care for it one of em should ave just kept landing punches as opposed to playing up to the crowd. Anyway Henare pins Villalobos to end it. Nice start everyone got in to do something, good way to kick things off.

Slex vs. Aaron Solow

Slex is getting an Aussie Aussie Aussie chant, the fella behind me demands to know if he actually is Australian. He is. Slex is a part of Melbourne City Wrestling and great to see hes on a big stage like this. He nails an impressive tornado DDT. Slex lands a suicide dive, a move that I love but is done to death these days. This was one of two for the night, and they both had the excitement of will they land it or not. Great crowd reaction. He nails a springboard and a superkick which I say to Amy thats gotta be it. But only a 2 count. It was the first of many times I told her that which didn/t lead to the match ending. Anyway Solow hits a double stop I again tells Amy thats all, but no. Slex hits the trouble in paradise to go home. Another solid ten minute match, both guts got plenty in and put on a good show. Slex made the most of his exposure here and I certainly wanted to see more of him after watching this.

Toru Yano & Yoh vs. Taiji Ishimori & Gino Gambino

Great mix here. Each team consists of a heavyweight and light heavyweight. Good back and forward battle. At one point Gambino and Yano fight with the buckle pads. The bloke behind me screamed sword fight. I said don/t you dare! That is the kind of comedy I hate in wrestling. Thankfully they exchange blows with the pads. If you told me the pads would be used as weapons I would ave said get outta here but the noise those pads made you could hear all round the building. Gambino does a number on Yano, throws him into the exposed turnbuckle, followed by a low blow and its 1 2 3. This was fine, nothing wrong with it. Some horseplay from Yano but not ridiculously silly. Also liked the padding as a weapon.

Big Tom Ishii & YOSHI-HASHI vs. Yujiro Takahashi & Chase Owens

Bullet Club jumps before the bell. I loved the brainbuster finishing the match. A great finisher that is sadly underused these days. This match went under ten minutes but these guys didn/t waste a second. Really well constructed a good brawl with some moves a rarely see any more, such as a Russian legsweap. Best match so far.

RevPro British Cruiserweight Champion El Phantasmo vs. Rocky Romero

I had to take a piss as the wrestlers entered so Im not sure if this is a title match or not. At one point Phantamso gives Rocky a nipples cripple. Amy asks if thats the comedy I hate? It is. Just silliness that adds nothing to the match. Do you see such nonsense in UFC or boxing? I did like Phantamso getting Rocky upside down in the corner and just slapping him. Good heel heat. Rocky had the best spot of the night when he walked the ropes, and I mean all four corners of the ring. An amazing feat of strength right these. A ref bump takes place, which is usually hate. Rocky gets Phantasmo in an arm bar, of course he taps but  with the ref down the match continues. An amazing spot where Rocky converts a tombstone into an inverted destroyer. Phantasmo ends it by using the belt to knock Rocky out, which leads to a you tapped out chant. Great match, could ave done without the comedy spot and the ref bump but the in ring action is enough to ignore that other nonsense.

IWGP Tag Team Champions Tama Tonga & Tanga Loa vs. Juice Robinson & Mikey Nicholls

Jado is at ringside with the Bullet Club.. The champs leave before the bell, good cheap heel tactic to get the fans angry, but then the challengers do a similar play, going under the ropes so the other team cant touch me. Im thinking who am I meant to boo here? Not much to say. Was fine, they almost teased a second ref bump and the belt again being used as a weapon which im glad they didn/t go down that road. Nothing really wrong with it, just seemed slow and standard Bullet Club title defence.

IWGP Junior Heavyweight Champion Will Ospreay vs. Robbie Eagles:

Alright this is what I came to see. Pre match a nice video package is shown, showing the back story between these two. Ospreay is one of the most important figures in the business in the last few years. His work in New Japan and Ring of Honor has been off the chart and he rightful has won the Wrestling Observer Newsletter best flying wrestler Award three years in a row and won the inaugural best non heavyweight MVP. People ave accused Ospreay of being all flash and no story, a guy that does a lot of flash moves but has no grip on how to tell a story. The perfect example is his New Japan match between Ricochet. Some called it match of the year, some, including in my opinion the wrestler of the 90s, Vader, claimed it was a bunch of gymnastics moves that led to nothing and told no story. I was on the fence about this. While I admired the moves these too put on, it was a bit to much. These a gif going round of the two of them doing cartwheels but they din/t touch each other. While impressive what is the point of they no one makes a wrestling move? But I am a huge Ospreay fan. But he does put his body on the line, to the point I wish he would slow down, hes only 26 and I feel if he continues going at this high pace he may only ave another five years left in him, id hate for his body top break down before hes 30 because hes so important to wrestling.

Phantasmo, wearing a Ned Kelly helmet accompanies Robbie. Despite the Bullet Club rub the crowd is behind him and shit all over Ospreay, with chants of fuck off Ospreay and Ospreays a wanker. For what Ospreay has done for the sport I find this massively disrespectful. Im all for rowdiness and booing but these chants are too much.  Robbie sends Phantasmo to the back, he wants to win of his own accord. These guys go to fifth gear straightaway. Robbie works the knee on the turnbuckle, great heel play, and Robbie works that injured knee throughout the match with Ospreay selling it. Amazing tornado DDT from Robbie, while Ospreay does an amazing moonsault to the floor. Great Pele kick from Robbie. Phantasmo returns and gives Robbie the belt, the crowd chants not to do it, he throws it out and the two come face to face. At over 30 minutes its hard to cover the whole match but Ospreay wins with the storm breaker.

This was simply amazing, and sums up why I love this sport. Both guys left nothing in the tank. I mentioned above im not big on high spot after high spot, but this is a title match and the second last match of the night at a big event, not the first match on the card at some indie show. There past encounters played in the storyline, and while Robbie had the Bullet Club association he wanted to win clean. It told a story and had brilliant in ring action. I can find no faults on this. This for me this a five star match and proves why Ospreay should be in anyones top five wrestlers in the world right now and why Robbie Eagles is a star in the making. Both men received a standing ovation from the crowd, and when Robbie left the crowd stayed standing to pay tribute to Will.

Kazuchika Okada & Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Jay White & Bad Luck Fale:

Gedo accompanies the Bullet Club. After witnessing a match of the year contender this was a letdown. Again nothing really wrong with it, it was just too hard an act to follow. It was odd aving Okada, the New Japan Heavyweight champion reduced to a tag match with no real story. Gedo was bumped and got no crowd reaction. I did appreciate how Okada and Tanahashi had to work together to slam Fale. Some idiot tried to start a this is wrestling chant which got no response which is what it deserved. Kinda a flattener to send the crowd home.

This was one hell of a show. Amy was impressed and so glad I could take a mate and show em just how good this sport is when it/s presented the right way.  Ospreay vs. Eagles was the clear highlight. The rest of the card could ave been dog shit and this still would ave been worth the price of addition. This was a near sell out, as good as Festival Hall was I hope they come back to a bigger venue next time and consider Australia a regular stop.

Hopefully next week we/ll back to the normal broadcast.

GO PIES

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Bye Week Rant

Good evening everybody welcome to our bye week rant here on Munsters Footy Rant. It/s been an interesting season so far, the Pies are in ok form but we need to crank it to 11 for the home stretch if we are to be serious contenders. While it/s pretty open the Cats are the team everyone is chasing and while the Pies are two games behind the Cats they are well ahead of the rest of the comp right now. The Pies need a steady team line up by mid July and need to play a decent four quarter game, not a solid three quarter game.

I had a wonderful day at the VFL on Sunday. Massive thanks to me mate James and to Jen for inviting me to the Port Melbourne Presidents lunch. Had a blast, sat with James and his crew, I felt like I was at home at the Bala with my Pies quorum. Just a great bunch of people all of different backgrounds come together for their beloved Boroughs. I also love the fact these people are pure Port and few actually support the AFL. One bloke at my table was appalled that a friend of his was aving his wedding on Darby Day. I told him my uncle was aving his on grand final day. He was so disgusted he could ave spat on the ground. When I told him it was AFL not VFL he said ah thats no big deal. When I told the table that im a pies man they nodded like oh that nice, as if the AFL is not on their radar, except for Dole Cheque who we snatched up from Port. Before the game out came the I hate Williamstown badges, but one bloke refused to wear it due to the fact it has Williamstown colours on it. Today was the Frank Johnson cup, and a beautiful tribute to one of the clubs great servants and one of the VFAs finest. As a footy nerd I was in my element here. During the quarter and three quarter time address I stood next to the great man, 1990 Collingwood ruck coach Crackers Keenan, and when Gary Ayres walked along there was hush and respect for the great man. There was words said about opposition players, umpires and also fellow punters. James had his own version of the cha cha cha which was banging the wheelie bin lid. We also made the telly when an obvious in the back was not paid to Port and we were carrying on. No one got kicked out, no behaviour officers telling us to keep it down, and $6 cans of beer. We just had a great day at the football and reminded me when I went to the games with my dad in the 90s, ie when it used to be fun.

Speaking of fan behaviour, I guess I better be careful what I say in case Chairman Gil is reading. With the way fans ave been treated I wouldn/t be surprised if I was pulled up before I even entered the ground. Look, im all for stamping out dickhead behaviour, im against violence and abuse which I think 99% of punters are against, but people being kicked out for cheering too loud? For fuck sake what has this game become? Well not the game but the administration? The general football public are embarrassed to ave this Muppet Gil in charge of the game and he is embarrassed to be associated with this fine sport. Hes nothing but a social climber who had to settle on a gig running a sport he clearly couldn/t give to fucks about, and dragging his talentless brother with him. Im also not opposed to more security, but when you got people whose job it is to tell fans to shut the fuck up, all you/re doing is antagonizing the core fanbase that basically keeps the game going..

And Gil you happy with that China experiment? Hey if you can get 1% of the Chinese population id say go for it, but you didn/t even get a fraction of that. And the poor Saints had to deal with a trip to China and Townsville within two rounds. Im all for branching out, but poor Tassie is screaming for a team, give them the ball. Or Darwin. Forget all these places where the game aint gonna draw a dime (Vale Mike Graham) and go to places with football history. But that aint gonna happen because the AFL don/t care bout history one bit. So Gil, as Jim Cornette would say thank you fuck you bye

Can someone tell me whose idea it was for Roaming Brian and ave they been shot in the foot yet? This man is an annoying gasbag who says the most 101 comments and screams as though it makes his comments ok, so who had the bright idea that we need to see more of this man? Ive heard of teams that tanked for priority picks but I could understand teams tanking so they don/t ave to deal with this flog. Imagine putting your body on the line for two hours and your reward is probing questions from BT? See kids work hard at Auskick and you too can be hassled by this fool.

Two coaches ave been sacked. I think it was the right time to move Scott on from north. Hed been there for a decade and was time for a new approach. Gotta say ive always thought him a grump and at times didn/t present himself all that well in the media, but he handled his departure with pure class. And some people didn/t like him appearing on 360 with a North shirt but he said he was donning it as a supporter. Ive a new found appreciation for him. And also giving that smut tit David King a clip. Bolton has also shipped off from the baggers. I called him a genus after the half way point of his first season when they were in the 8. They had a bad record but what did he ave to work with really? Not saying he deserved to stay but he certainly is not the major problem there. For me Carlton needs whole clear out. I know baggers fans don/t want another 10 year plan but there is so much dead wood from an administration side they need to cut ties. Also old dogs like SOS need to go. They need outside people. And good onya to Malthouse for giving his old club a clip during the hall of fame proceedings. Nothing but a bitter old man. And can we stop with this whole thing about him being a master coach. He won two flags at a new club where they were given a top list from the start and won a  flag with us after ten years. I give him credit for those back to back grand final appearances in 2002 and 03 when it was a very thin list, but how fucking long did it take him to realise we were missing a key ruckman? When he got Jolly we went fucking bang straightaway but he was even against getting Jols. And he killed poor Josh Frasers career playing him in the ruck when he was a forward all along. Is Malthouse a legend? Of course but he aint no master coach, just that cranky uncle no one wants to sit next to as Xmess time

Pinching is back! Reading in the sun G Ablett Srs comments on Craig Kelly during that pinching period of his career, with Ablett saying he had no respect for Kelly. While pinching is a pissy way of getting into someones head, coming from a bloke who was a thug thats a complement. Ablett may be one of the all time greats but I ave no respect for him as a man. Hey Gary, last time I checked belting blokes and leaving em in the hospital aint very Christian, you hypocritical arsehole.

Alright thats enough venom for one week. Next Monday back to business with my rant on the Dogs game.

Thanks for reading.

GO PIES

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Interview with Ribspreader director Dick Dale

My South Australia correspondent Dick Dale is in the process of finishing off his first feature length film Ribspreader, but he needs help. Hes started a Kickstarter to help get him across the line. Details of how to donate are in the article. Ribspreader features Fred Negro, the late great Spencer P Jones, Chad Morgan and (maybe?) Lloyd Kauffman. This is a real DIY labour of love and from one of the most talented people I know and encourage all to help DD out. Ribspreader features characters described as original killers, perverts and weirdos, cant wait to see it. Onya DD

Munster: Ribspreader, what can you tell us about this?

Dick Dale: I’ve been creating my own short horror/comedy films for about 25 years and running my infamous short bad taste/horror short film program, Trasharama since 1997. I’m am FINALLY ready to unleash my first feature fillum onto the world. It’s Australia’s FIRST Splatterpunk video nasty. A very dark black comedy with bucket loads of red blood pissing on the screen. It’s an original story, not a reboot, remake or rip off of anything already done. Spawned from the rotted recesses of my fried mind about six years ago, it took two years to painstakingly complete the screenplay. I am now ready with a good crew and cast to put this sucker in the can. Everything I have done in my life with trashy screenings, film making and my live rock scene endeavors (on and off stage) have all headed to this! It’s also a non funded DIY labor of love. So I am having a Kickstarter campaign that is LIVE now until June 19th, 2019.

KICKSTARTER, TEASER and PITCH VIDEO: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1622887785/ribspreader-a-splatterpunk-video-nasty?ref=project_build&fbclid=IwAR3Ah-Z1jOUXIA4MT8XKKe67lfLQVic3a7fyjPU0WNPKDNqX_DesTxofKd0#

M: Years ago (2009 maybe?) I interviewed you for Trasharama, I asked you if you wanted to do a feature and you said that was the next step. How long as the idea of a feature been in your mind?

DD: Around then I had the idea already bouncing around in my skull. The basic idea in which has developed to what it is now. An ex cigarette icon is taunted by an anti smoking cigarette on a billboard. It convinces him to extinguish smokers lives, cut out their lungs with a saw bladed ribspreading machine. He makes a smoking jacket out of their lungs to redeem himself of past sins.  Yeah, he’s batshit bonkers! He also lives in serial Killer capital so there’s a turf war for victims. I’ve created a whole bunch of original killers, perverts and weirdos he has to deal with.  It’s not all beer and skittles being a deranged psychopath you know!

Fred and DD on location

M: Aside from writing/directing what other roles do you have on the film?

DD: I have my ideas for costumes, what the sets look like and the locations. I have mostly cast it, built up most of the key early crew. My first AD Jade Hefferan Clarke been smashing a crew together as of late as well as my DOP, Mr Hugh Freytag.  I have ideas of how to do a lot of the FX (special practical effects) in the film and work out cheap effective ways with the artists. The FX crew is looking quite smart. The list goes on…

I am also reluctant producer and have another three producers helping me along. It’s a freakin hard job and everyone needs a piece of you. They are all there standing over me with yabbie pumps sucking all the information out of my prawn shaped head. They in turn are passing that information on to other people in other departments. One thing I have HAD to learn is the art of DELEGATING. Letting them get my vision out and letting others create it and turn it into reality. I like for the artists to add their personal pizzazz to everything too. It generally turns out as I imagined or BETTER. So as I’m learning to DELEGATE (say it again Dick) I can concentrate on the vision and areas only I know as writer.

M: How long has the process been, from when you first put pen to paper for a draft until you wrapped up shooting? And what stage is the film at now?

DD: The inspiration for writing the treatment which is the story line was inspired when Monster Fest there in Hellbourne had the CANNIBAL PROJECT incentive. I think that was about 2014. It was a competition to write a micro budget film featuring cannibals. I didn’t win obviously but it got my basics started. I kept on going from there.

M: You’ve started a Crowd funding campaign, how much are you looking to raise and where will the money go?

DD: RIGHT NOW the crowdfunder is LIVE until June 19th. It is nearly half way there and I am shitting myself. I really want this to work so I can make this movie. Some of the money goes towards, practical special effects in which this is that type of film to a certain extent. There are props and sets in which some have to be built or at least dressed. There are travel and sometimes accommodation expenses. I have at least a couple of my main cast coming in from Melbourne to Adelaide. We have to feed people very importantly. A functioning puppet creature has to be made! To make this at absolute MINIMUM we are looking at $20, 000 in which is CHEAP for a film as ambitious as this. I’d love more so we can do things more comfortably in all these areas I mentioned.  OH, and MORE BLOOD and GORE on the screen please!! We are fabricating everything, not using animal offal or anything like that. Hell, my two adrenalin gland eating vampire vixen actresses are vegans for starters!

M: It’s a hell of a cast you got, Fred Negro, Spencer P Jones, and from what I hear Lloyd Kaufman, who else is in it and how did you get such big names?

DD: I know. I’m wrapped. Laurence R Harvey from Human Centipede 2 & 3 and ABC’s of Death is in it too. I got Chad Morgan, king of Australian country in for a cameo. Lloyd isn’t 100 per cent confirmed. Still negotiating there. I’m trying to promote Troma as much as I can though. Not hard as I love a lot of those films. I’ve been reading the ‘Make your own damn movie’ book series and using them as a template to produce my film. I also did his masterclass on film making when he was here in 2015. So I really want Lloyd in. An inspiration. There are some others in the pipeline but I can’t say yet. Good to have some surprises anyway hey?

It’s mainly because I have been around for a long time on and off stage in the music and underground film scene.  I met Spence through having him come play at the Squatters Arms where I used to book bands a few years ago and we became mates. I wrote the part for him as a bad arsed ‘Busker you don’t fuck with’. I told him about it, he laughed and he was up for it. We filmed it when he was playing one of his tours in Adelaide. He does kick GUITARSE!! I’ve known Fred for many years too  from playing gigs supporting one of his bands, The Twits. I’ve also been a ‘I Spit on your Gravy’ fan since year DOT. Remember DOT from that show Eastenders? It was about then I think. I also know Fred through Andrew Leovold from Trash Video and the Gravybillies and what not. I think that’s it. I might be an honorary member of that, or maybe it’s another band. Such a blur. Anyway, I’VE KNOWN FRED FOR AGES!! Ha Ha He plays a cop named Sgt Clint Surecock and nails it! I think he has been preparing for this role his whole life. It was an interesting day shoot that one as it usually is on my sets. To quote Fred, “This is like SPINAL TAP!!” Ha Ha. I think that’s saying something.

SHORT ANSWER: From my servitude to Rawk n’ roll and my horror/bad taste film Festival over the years, I have met and made mates with a lot of great people. Some of these are known identities. I’m using all my favors and networks to make this project happen It’s also a photo album of my life so far I reckon. I have written most of the roles specifically for the those who appear. It’s going to be one crazy and funny film. Just like my life in a way.

the great man SPJ

M: What was the budget for the film? Was it self financed or did you ave a backer or studio behind you?

D: Well up to now, a friend donated me $1500 to get some of the early footage in the can. That was fantastic of her. I bought some equipment with that and odds and ends. Everything else came out of my pocket. Thank you part time work and Centrelink! I’m very fortunate we have a lot of our own equipment from my DOP and his crew.  Everyone is working on deferred payment which means if it ever makes any money they will get paid. I will be the last person on that list. I’m not doing it for the money anyway. I just need to tell this story. This is why I am having the Kickstarter, to get this in the can. If we raise more, well that is fantastic. We can use the money for BETTER AND MORE AMAZING practical special Effects,  comfortably getting cast from Melbourne to Adelaide (and accommodation) and on things like props and set building. And POST PRODUCTION. Things like visual FX and color grading etc. As a great man on a planet of apes once said, “IT’S A MADHOUSE!!”

M: I don/t want to give any spoilers but I hear there’s a helicopter scene and a guitar goes through a zombie, how did you mange things like this for an indie film?

DD: Ha, spoilers? It’s not Game of Thrones but hopefully I will kill off all your favorite characters. ha ha.   It’s clown faced psychotic juggalos who hate street artists who get wasted. No zombies in this, except maybe ME by the end of it. There’s a teaser trailer up on the Kickstarter page you can check out.

Me and a few of my mates have been dabbling with practical special FX since we were teens. You’ll find a lot of horror kids have tried their luck making things out of the kitchen they’ve learn t from reading horror magazines. Before you tube even.  Doing a course or two. I got my friend Paul Whitbread who does it as a hobby but is great at making old school cheap special FX. He did the teaser scene FX in which is more your cheap but effective Troma style effect. While we’re on the subject, those ;’Make your own Damn movie’ books have good tips on creating economical FX in those. This movie is like EARLY Peter Jackson’s ‘Bad Taste’. Before he was running about with hobbits he made a few great bad taste gory horror style movies. BIG inspirations for me.

I have one effect though in which it is a dead crack whore in which her Ribs have been spread and she’s dead in a dumpster. Special FX maestro Leigh Madden from Madden FX did that one. He’s a pro! I have a mixture team of Industry people, Media make up students and outlaw horror fans doing these effects. It’s the only way I can do this at this stage. Yeah, I got the helicopter. They said I couldn’t get one on my budget. I got one for fifty bucks from the SA Aviation museum. Fred is in it hunting down our anti hero. It’s only a cameo really. but Fred will probably steal the movie. Ha Ha It will be a mixture of the real chopper and a miniature. I’m lucky to have some great talented mates working on this.  Basically, to answer your question, you just got to use your imagination, be prepared to be nice to people, pay what you need to so everyone’s happy. Make damn sure the end product is cool and will make everyone happy. That is my plan!!

M: Rambo 3 was on the telly the other night, the death count was in the 100s, is this movie gonna be a bloodbath of the same nature?

DD: Not that many but a few people are buying ‘on screen deaths’ in the Kickstarter crowdfunder. There are enough ‘messy bits’ in this film to keep people happy, that I am sure. You’ll have to come and see who is left standing by the end of the film. Lets just ay, I hate sequels.

M: Whats the best and worst aspect of making an indie film?

DD: Being broke!! Pure and simple. On a positive note it forces you to use your creativity and imagination. With no money though, it also can be a LOT harder getting people to help you. People can be more reliable when they are getting paid. I am VERY lucky to have a great support base of great talented cast and crew. It is from my years of hanging about and dedication to genre I can only guess. This film has lots of practical Effects, miniatures, puppets, stop motion and REAL actors. There will be fuck all, if any CGI and NO fucking Jar Jar Binx characters.

M: You mentioned the other night you were working on exploding heads, how long does it take to film an exploding head?

DD: Movie magic! What I’ve been told that will be a tricky one. I don’t think I’m allowed to disclose said activities at this stage. It could take up to a week to build and an hour to set up or so. Then BOOM!! A second or so of glorious fucking gory mess!! We’ll do it with two heads in case one is a dud. Followed by high speed OJ style cop car chase from the authorities etc…

M:Trasharama seems to get more momentum as time goes on, what can we expect at this years fest?

DD: MORE of the same filthy, horrific but ultimately hilarious shorts from all over the world. I have great pride in finding the best and worst movies I can source. It’ll be at Monster Fest in Hellbourne mid October. I MIGHT be touring some of last years season to a few states in September. I also might be trying to do too many things this year. (touring and filming) Making this this film is number one!! REST assured I am currently open for entries for this season until the end of August!! The crazier the better. All bodily fluids will be covered. I don’t care if the films are twenty minutes old or twenty YEARS old. Send em in!! Shorter the better though. I’m not keen on movies over ten minutes long. I just mentioned it only takes about two seconds to blow a head off! Unless your film is filled with excitement and madness, I get bored. I also accept crazy film clips, fake movie trailers. CHECK IT OUT: www.trasharama.com

M: Also whats happening with you music wise?

DD: At the moment I’m not doing anything serious. Um, Did I ever?? I mean really original or gigging regularly. I have a little fun project called the DRUNKEE BLUNDERS with a few mates from various local bands here in Adelaide. Oprah Whitney(Scabs, Yard of Retard) Huw Francis (COCK, The Fix), Piers Diprose, (Wretched Hearts) and Pablo Vainickis (Subtract S, Ben Gel and the Boneyard Saints etc etc etc ) An amber flavored tribute to Johnny Thunders, The Stooges and the Dead Boys. We only play first, we don’t get paid and we get as fucked up as possible. Well, that’s how we started. In 2010. we have only managed to learn about 9 or ten songs since then ha ha . We have sort of improved though. Not intentional mind you.  We pride ourselves on being as rawkin roll debauch as the 1970s New York bands we are paying tribute to.  This is why we only do a few gigs a year and it’s not too taxing.

Number one, IT WILL KILL ME!!

Number two: I’m more interested in spending my time and energy on the film. Oh, and somehow we have started writing originals. So the whole concept has fucked up!! :p Apparently we are very entertaining. I’ve discovered Iggy has a lot more money than me to take care of his body. Mine is crumbling as I get older. Not to mention Stiv Bators and Johnny Thunders are dead… Rawk is hell! 

M: What does the rest of the year hold and any time frame we can expect Ribspreader out?

DD: The rest of the year I expect will be batshit crazy!! I’ve been slogging hard with this kickstater. It’s a FULL TIME job, I kid you not. Lucky Andrew ‘Stumpy’ Leavold has given me some good advise and I have Jaan Ranniko in Sydney on it too. I hope I get the support I need to make this. Otherwise I will think of a plan B and C and fucking D!! I WILL MAKE THIS MOVIE. Sooner better than later though. Money talks. I’d rather not still be trying another five or ten years. Already there have been sadly a few casualties since I began. People are working for me for free or deferred payments because they believe in me and the project. It still costs money. If the Kickstarter works then I’ll be shooting. But that’s AFTER pre production (already in pre production but once we have the budget money, more things need to be made etc) THEN, there will be post production!! I would love to have this OUT ON SCREENS by the last third of next year. Post production will be a process too.

I got the Monster Fest Trasharama program on in Melbourne in October so there is that to source, curate, beg borrow and steal movies for it. I swear it gets harder every year. I’ve made some good friends over seas with similar festivals. Having a few like minded buddies around, we can help each other with our programs. Monster Fest always throw me a one or two as well. Then Ill be down for that screening in which Ill host. I’ll be saving my Monday night to have drinks at the Balaclava Hotel happy day or hour or whatever it was of course! You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy in St Kilda. Was right at home. No droids allowed. I just hope the publican doesn’t lock me in the toilet again. PLUS, Blunders have got about three gigs lined up. Ill be having most probably a ‘Dirty Dix and Dan Hellbound Kuntree Hoedown’ event sometime. Plus, working to pay bills, breathing, living and fucking trying to stay sane. There’s is more I’m sure.  Worse things happen at sea I hear… :p

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