Plastic Section Interview

A mixture of John Spencer and Sun Records, Plastic Section are one quickly becoming one of our favourite bands here at Munster. Combining classic 50s rock with their own touch Plastic Sound are familiar but also fresh. Ben Edwards started the group in Sydney took it to Bangkok and now Melbourne where he has now landed. I first met Ben at the GEM and kindly gave me a copy of their CD Frenzy in the City of Hell. 12 tracks in under 30 minutes, short sharp and to the point not a wasted moment. There follow up Trouble is our Business is more of the same and one of the best releases of 2019. One of the hardest working men in rock Pip has joined the group on bass joining Ben and drummer Matthew. Ben and Pip met me at the Last Chance Rock n Roll Bar on a Thursday night to talk rock, the art of recording on cassette and the various locations they’ve called home.  

Munster: So how did Plastic Section start, did the band start in Australia or Bangkok?

Ben: when I was living in Sydney I had a band called the Section sort of garage rock band but I occasionally did gigs on my own or with various people so I called that Plastic Section. When I moved to Bangkok I kept that going as I did gigs on my own, so people came in and it became a proper band but it was always pretty loose with people coming and going. When I moved to Melbourne I wanted to keep it going, I met our drummer Matthew first through a mate who put me in touch with him because I didn’t know may people in Melbourne. Pip saw a few of our gigs and asked if we needed a bass player. It’s worked out well.

Munster: I first saw Plastic Section with the Beat Taboo at the Gem and I think that was as a two piece and not long after that Pip came into the band so Pip how did you join the fold?

Pip: I was at one of their gigs and I was very drunk and thought they were great, and because I’m very annoying when I’m drunk I told them what I thought and asked if they needed a bass player. A few weeks later Ben called me and that was that.

Ben: I think we played a gig with Wrong Turn at Cherry Bar one night

Pip: That’s right

Munster: Pip you play in Plastic Section, Wrong Turn, Blowers and the Exotics how do you find the time to play in all these bands?

Pip: I’ve multiplied myself (laughs). Its weird, it’s worked out. One day I played three gigs with three bands and it was too much. It’s pretty fortunate there hasn’t been much conflict. Basically its first come first served if someone says we got a gig on the 21st  I say yup and go from there.

Munster: Trouble is our Business is your new LP out on Off the Hip, tell us the process of recording it?

Ben: it was basically the set we’ve been playing lately. Mickster was keen to release something and we wanted something out in Melbourne. We hooked up with Raul from Midnight Wolf and we did it in an arvo at the rehearsal space Raul works

Pip: can I just add at that point I had been in the band for three weeks, I’d only had one gig with them at that point.

Ben: it was rough on him. It was rough n ready we just wanted to bang something out that sounds like a live set. Raul recorded it on cassette he had an 8 track cassette tape, he did the mixing as well and Lluis Fuzzhound did the artwork

Munster:  How did the association with Mickster and Off the Hip Come about?

Ben: when I moved to Melbourne I didn’t know many people but I knew Mick and I knew the shop as I was a fan of a lot of the stuff he released. And when in town I’d always go in and have a chat with Mick. I gave him a demo at one point and when I moved down we played a gig at the shop so it when from there

Munster: You mentioned you recorded the LP on Cassette, what benefits are there recording on tape?

Plastic Section Trouble Cd Off The Hip Lluis

Pip: it’s warmer.  And also makes you more on your game, you can’t be too fancy as you only have eight tracks. So you need to by fishy with how you play. I’ve recorded with Raul before with the Interceptors and we were really happy with that he does a good job.

Ben: we prefer recording live anyway basically, or do the tracks live at least and do the vocals afterwards the process is pretty similar but gives it a warmer sound.

Pip: we recorded it all top to bottom in six hours then it was a mixing thing so it takes that pain out of going back, there’s no over dubs so that was it.

Ben: ideally         the thing would be to record from real to real tape so you get that in-between sound. Raul is good because he can take that and mix it digitally but has that analogue sound

Munster: Pip how did you go recording considering you were in the band for a few weeks?

Pip: I’ve become used to it, flying on the seat of my pants. Tex Napalm thought me that, the skill of to this learn this, kind of a do or die scenario. I do find it quite stressful but its one of those things, and if you fuck it up its only rock n roll we’re not gonna lose our houses or anything.

Ben: rock n roll shouldn’t be perfect there’s always little mistakes

Munster: when I listen to that record it feels like a Sun City sound with elements of John Spencer, how did you get that 50s guitar sound?

Pip: I would say its Bens natural guitar sound. Its brilliant.

Ben: the only technicity in terms of recording is basically doing it live which is how they did it in the 50s and 60s and most bands do it that way now, the idea of overdubbing everything is a 80s and 90s thing.

Pip: and you lose the three piece sound, overdubs loses the vibe

Ben: yeah it never quite connects. And the songwriting is influenced by 50s and 60s rock n roll which I love the most.

Munster: Ben when I met you at the Gem you gave me the record you did before this and it came in under 30 minutes Trouble is Our Business is 10 songs also under 30 minutes which I love the keep it short nature of the songs.

Ben: yeah, im not into guitar solos

Pip: people have short attention spans these days anyway

Ben: and again all the songs from the 50s and 60s were short songs and just perfect little capsule, and if there was a solo it was a little burst of energy. It’s a part not a random improvised its part of the song not just banging on for five minutes.

Munster: Pip obviously you were a fan of the band to want to join but was there something you thought was lacking that you thought you could add to the group?

Pip: the bass player on the other CDs, I’m a different kind of player. She’s a natural musician where’s I’m not. I’m by no stretch of the imagination a natural musician. So it’s more the way I play gives it more of a fill. There’s things we’ve put together since I’ve put some ideas in with arrangements so I think we’re working well together.

Ben: and since Pip joined we’ve been going all new stuff and we/’ve got another LP of songs ready to go

Munster: Ben you lived in Bangkok for a period while having the band going what was the scene like over there?

Ben: It was great, like everywhere else it’s a real underground scene they have a massive pop scene but they have a great underground scene with venues like this and some amazing bands, and its quite international a lot of bands are a mixture of Thai Japanese American Australian all playing together so it makes an interesting mix, we play a few times a month but its small, most gigs would have 50 to 100 people. There’s not a lot of rock n roll bands. There’s heaps of hardcore punk and shoegazing and power pop so we were one of the few just doing straight rock. And its really devise you’d get four bands playing different kinds of music and everyone’s supportive so it works well.

Munster: And Plastic Section also played shows in Berlin too.

Ben: we just went there for a holiday but planned to play a few gigs while we were there. We had a drummer friend who played with us in Bangkok who was living in Berlin. We lined up a gig at record shop and he said you can play here as our neighbors have complained about the sound so that didn’t happen but he got us some gigs. One was supporting Paul Collins Beat and the other in this small basement venue. Loved to go back

Munster:  And you’ve been on a few TV shows overseas as well.

Ben: did a few in Bangkok in Thailand they make their own contact on radio and TV so there more opportunity’s where here we get a lot from American. Did that a few times but never got to see any of it as I didn’t have a telly.

Munster: Pip your one of the busiest people I know what is it your looking for in a band that makes you wanna sign up?

Pip: I have to like the music but I’m more about the people. And that’s generally most of the bands I’ve been in people I know who are friends and I’ve volunteered or they asked me. For me personality in bands that’s a big thing. If they can gel, you need to have some kind of connection. You read an ad online band needs guitarist and for me that’s not really how I’d work I’d rather see the band meet them and say ah yeah I’ll do that

Ben: I agree every time I start something new I’d rather play on my own and go from there and meet people that way.

Pip: and it’s organic not this forced thing. It’s a fun world for us, we’re not gonna make a living of this this is why we have a day job

Ben: and that’s one good side of not making a living from music is that it means it has to be fun and people have to do exactly what they want to do otherwise why would you do it. Otherwise there’s no reason to do it.

Pip: and I’m no spring chicken to me it’s an energy thing it gives me something to do it beats sitting at home watching…..whatever’s on TV.

Ben: I finds Melbourne to be really friendly, I knew hardly anyone when I moved down here now I have a bunch of friends via music and its my whole life really.

Pip: and really people are quite inclusive we all give each other a hand or a suggestion or help each other out, you hear stories but you rarely hear of people getting fucked over

Ben: when I arrived in Melbourne I was walking down Sydney Rd one day and I heard this amazing psychedelic band and I went in and it was Trauma Boys who I didn’t know and I was blown away. I was talking to Jimmy the singer and I told him I play in a band and do similar stuff and I suggested maybe we can set up a gig and they did and that was my first gig in Melbourne so that’s an example of how friendly it is

Munster: Ben you’re from Sydney and spent time in Bangkok Pip your from Belfast and you’ve both traveled the world so do you think Melbourne has earned the live music capital of the world title?

Pip: pretty much coming from Belfast which in the 60s bands like Them played there and had a bigger audience than they did in their home city. There was the reassurance with Good Vibrations in the late 70s, since then it’s been hit and miss. And here usually when a venues closes another one pops up and that’s a great thing. A lot of what it comes down to is RRR and PBS they give bands such a hand up for me PBS has been amazing every time I do something there all over it and you don’t get that everywhere and because of the population size people will hear it. And with Trouble is our Business LP we got reviewed in Via La Rock its like fuck how did that happen. Whether it’s a zine or public radio it’s a really good healthy thing to have.

Ben: and the DJs from those stations they’ll DJ at gigs so everyone’s involved. Melbourne has an amazing amount of amazing bands every time I go to a gig I discover a new band. And international bands want to come here

Pip: I lived in Perth for three years before I came here and it was all let’s get to Melbourne. And here I meet people from New Zeeland who also said that lets get to Melbourne.  It seems every week someone is getting off a bus or plane saying lets get toe Melbourne. There’s two ways to look at it one way it makes it very competitive, but the other side is it keeps  healthy its always moving things happening as long as there enough slices of the cake we can have we’re all happy people.

Ben: and its all healthy competition makes some bands lift their game like every time you see another great band appears it makes the other bands try harder and makes everyone better

Pip: I’ve learned you can’t rest on your morals, there’s so many new bands coming up if you have 9 months off its hard to get back into where you were before. Unless your something quite special. People just forget and you can be instantly replaced. But in a positive way that’s a good thing as makes you wanna keep playing

Ben: compared to Bangkok for example if you played a gig, here people would tell you if your shit or they wouldn’t come.

Pip: if you’re having fun people get that. We’re not reinventing the wheel and I don’t want to. It’s the Billy Childish mentality authenticity over originality, I’d rather do something authentic, this is what’s inside my head coming out as long as you’re doing it for the fun factor you can’t lose.

Ben: as long as you put your heart and soul and having fun there’s no such thing as a shit band

Munster: Pip you mentioned before you grew up in Belfast, growing up in the 70s how did you find punk and other counter culture?

Pip: Belfast when I grew up was a fairly shut down city security barriers round the city closed at 11. When you went in you were searched and when you left it was one way you couldn’t get back in. that strangled all the city venues. So for me I lived round the corner from these guys, it was the first time I touched a guitar so I went round and hung out with these guys who turned into the Defects. My mum worked for a country label we used to drink bottles of cider and we all loved the Clash records, I mentioned my mum worked for a label and they asked me if they could release our album. My mum asked her boss, and he rang me and said get those guys to get in touch. He said here’s the deal I’ll make your record but you can’t say who I am or mention the label and that’s how they made their first single. Back in those days you didn’t get many choices, it was you did or you didn’t you took the avenues opened to you. My friend Brian Young from Good Vibrations, I was four years younger than them and I looked up to them as I had their record. I always brought records but it was unheard of to make your own record, so when these guys up the road were making their own record it was a massive inspiration. I couldn’t imagine what someone who played guitar looked like. I was terrified because I didn’t know what to say. When I was 18 we met over a Johnny Thunders LP and that’s how we met. It was the whole if you like this you’ll like that. Belfast was nothing like here. Underground gigs where in Scout Halls and Warehouses there was no pubs. It really was underground. I wasn’t playing in those days and am lucky to have missed that. The whole Good Vibrations things these days I’m lucky to say I know those people.

Ben: so it was total DIY?

Pip: Absolutely. I had a mate and he said until he went to England he had never seen a Gibson or a Fender because you couldn’t afford it no one had money it was all Japanese guitars which today are probably a bit of money, but at they time they had zero value.

Munster: What’s up Next?

Pip: hopefully some more recording

Ben: we have an LPs work of material, we want to do vinyl next time, whether a LP EP or single hopefully a LP, and just play as much as possible.

Munster: Favouirte Fall LP please.

Pip: Frenz Experiment

Ben: gonna cheat and say 50,000 Fall Fans. I read Mark E Smiths book and it’s a cracker.

Pip: that’s another thing about musical culture changing from the point of view we’re running out of characters the Mark E Smiths, up front fuck you I don’t care what you think

Ben: well there still there but there not gonna be on the cover of the NME it’s a shame you don’t get that in masse culture that was a standard of the 80s. I remember in that book he goes on for five pages how much he hates Australia but his favourite show was Neighbours

Pip: well that guy I mentioned who never seen a Fender and Gibson he supported the Fall in Belfast and a fist fight happened on stage. He sacked the band and said fuck off the gigs not happening.

Trouble is our Business now out on Off the Hip Records

https://plasticsection.bandcamp.com/

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Round 22 v Crows

Now. The Pies are going for a threepeat against the Crows. Despite winning the last two they were hardly inspiring wins and while finals is guaranteed we aint been in form you want to ave in August for the run home. But it/s been an open season with no team being the dominate force all season, and going into September its an open race. So today and next week we/ll see if we/re contenders or if we/re just making up the numbers. Anything can happen. Speaking of anything can happen im finally gonna watch a whole game at the Balaclava for the first time in three rounds, whats gonna happen with the table set ups? Will someone do it or will we be all over the shop? One way to find out………

My first stop off of the day is the St Kilda Bowlo to watch the second half of the Saints Blues game, great second half and a hell of a finish, both teams, Saints in particular will be pushing for finals next season. Chairman Frank and Kim are here, always got time for them, as well as Geezer who/s got a rough day ahead with staying up for the Ashes and the Tigers game at 1:10PM the next day.

 GG enters for the last few moments of the clash, I plan on skipping the last few minutes to get a tram to the Balaclava but was such a tight game im watching the end of this bout.

I wait til the end of the game to leave the Bowlo as I board a 16 to get to the Bala. On the way the CEO Pete calls me informing me he will be there late. I tell him to leave the table set up to me as GG will also be late. Jackie also buzzed me asking me to take care of the tables. Such reasonability but im up for it

As I walk town I bump into Tarquin, im calling that an omen. I walk in to see we/ve already kicked a goal. No one is here and some prick is sitting in our spot watching the end of the Cats Lions game, for fuck sake does he know who we are? Anyway I get a beer land in a booth as I find the Pies game 7 minutes in and settle in. Fred shows up immediately as we hold camp in the booth for the time being. As Fred comes back with a beer we/re up 7-1 as Roughead lines up for a goal and we/re excited but his shot is marked on the line. We see Tex Walker and his ugly mo, Jono Brown says don/t expect him to kick five goals a game. What a forward kicking goals in a game? Don/t be ridiculous. Crisp to Krebs Roughead again this time misses up by 7. Free to the Crows Shag is on the screen Tex marks on crows 50 Nobel stops the push. Fred says his dad had mates that where Nobel and Langdon and both play for the Pies. Nobel has a kick which Fred calls a Nobel Kick. I say I was a teenage Nobel kick. Crows again push forward Trav in the square stops two crows. Huddo claims at least he got boot to ball. Well Huddo its called football for a reason. The Cats Lions game ends and the bloke leaves as I jump up and change the channel to the Pies game as me and Fred put three tables together. Owen enters saying maybe he should go for the Crows for balance. We say yeah, nah. Why anyone would cheer for a team they don/t support boggles my mind. Billy has a shot me and Fred get up and dance 14-3. Tex Walker has a go, me and Fred give him a chewy on ya boot. It works Onya Rose. Krebs to Nobel kick is smothered good second effort from Nobel Levi handball is punched away Shag is there Levi kicks to Krebs who kicks to the crows. Mark 35 out Huddo says this bloke is not a bloke you want aving a shot. Well why is he on the park then? Terrible kick which Fred calls a cunt of a kick which takes me to smoko.

Quarter Times

Pies 14

Crows 5

Eddie Betts kicks to Darce 40 out falls short Crows mark in the square but Howe given a free for push. Haha. Kicks to the Samurai, Dunstall says re that push in back free kick, don/t give a free kick fine him later in the week. Tex should be fined for that Mo. Adams Nobel SHAG Trav Dole Cheque Billy has a run leads to throw in, Shag stops Eddie weaving his magic Razor Ray pays a free, finally I get to say it again, Fuck Off Razor. I miss saying that. Kick to Speedboy straight to Crow crows kick to Samurai Scharenberg with the Lot to Screwdriver Son of Rowdy no mark from Roughead Shag kick to Rowdy leads to a throw in. Samurai to Adams whose hit Sidie to Adams Brownlow Speedboy, who Huddo says he seized the mark. I guess you gotta say he took the mark in a different manner. Butches the kick up by 13. Pete enters we all hi 5, Owen wants in but nah, just for the Pies. Bernie Two Legs also enters aving been at the Saints game. Shag to Krebs from 50 gonna fall short bounces in, bloke chasing it but too late what a kick 21-6 what a way to kick your first goal of the season. We then cut to the center to see Raza policing the area. Brownlow to Sidie Billy hit 40 out Wills is holding his own hits crows not paid for holding. Dunstall says its fun watching Sidie. I cam imagine him going yay and blowing party poppers everytime Sidie grabs the ball. Dole Cheque intercepts the ball must be an ad break. Shag to the Hyphen Sidie Wills Crisp Matrix had a shot just miss/s up by 16. We see Don Pyke the ground, possibly going home. Madgen stops Tex marking crows play kick to kick for what seems like three minutes lands with Wills all that for nothing not even a forward entry. Shag gives away a deliberate, and again Fuck Off Razor. Which leads to the Crows kicking their first goal which leads to Bucks banging the table for the first time today. Pete says GG has lost his tables award, its an open field for awards night Trav 15 out what a snap of the ball 28-12. Pete comments on the callers saying there using bigger words so they/ll get a jersey for the finals. Howe marks Matrix Sidie Madgen lead to out on the full. Speedboy to Shag Dole Cheque marks with little pressure Huddo says the Crows are under siege, name dropping shit Steven Seagal movies now, well you got fuck all to say on footy gotta talk something. Bernie shows how the Saints fans to their cha cha chas, and we kick a goal forgot to write who kicked it, but I wrote what a goal 35-12. Crows goal as we go 50 once more leads to nothing as Fred gets Nicky Del Ray on his stereo for the half time smoko.

Half Time

Pies 35

Crows 18

Special comments from Mark Ricciuto: if Pies score heavily they/ll win. The noggin working overtime there. Also crows need to move the ball fast. But what if they move it fast but kick to the Pies? Mark has no answer. Wills starts good finds Brownlow Billy Nobel Dole Cheque just gets boot to ball. Just misses. Adams straightaway has a shot 40 on the boundary brilliant 42-18. Samurai to Billy in 8 seconds great diving mark as we dance again 48-18 No GG yet so I rate that 12 out of 10. Fred says that dancing was worthy of the Tony Bartuccio dancers of Don Lane Show fame. He did ave a nice coffee table on that show the Lanester  And again Billy goes bang 54-18 Jono Brown says 666 over again which makes me sing Iron Maiden. And Billy again, I say no way and it is no way as he misses 25 from the boundary. Mark Ricciuto says we/re both playing for percentage. Well there are two teams playing so yes we are both playing for percentage, he aint wrong. Bucks is eyeing finals as now Dole Cheque Smoothers crows kick Wills to Brownlow Billy held as Huddo says they knew it coming. Yes Huddo those Crows blokes had no idea what that ball coming down was all about, it took em a few goes to figure it out. Madgen does a great pin for holding yet no free again Fuck off Razor. Crows ave a shot which Huddo calls a clever kick. It/s a point you fucking idiot. Eddie weaves some magic as he keeps the ball in but is knocked out eventually. Billy to the Hyphen 35 out great kick 61-19 Pete asks Hyphen before or after the cha cha chas.. I say after. I rate that 11 Straightaway Trav from 15 out, 67-19. Crows get a point, im just waiting for the callers to call it crucial, thankfully they aint that stoopid. Screwdriver to Billy kick to Trav marks centre meter perfect, seriously an amazing short kick right on the chest amazing. stuff Unfortunately Travs kick is disappointing and misses. But Trav redeems himself with a kick to Screwdriver a brilliant one handed mark and great kick 74-20 Huddo says the Pies aint finished yet. I should hope not theres still a quarter and five minutes to go. Scharenberg with the lot has a kick, again leads to a discussion with what should be on a burger with the lot. Fred says tomato sauce, Pete BBQ sauce, me Mayo. GG enters as we miss Howes mark of the year contender. Brownlow after the sirens kick falls short. Bernie is doing his own Cha Cha Chas which GG tells him to stop.

3 quarter time

Pies 74

Crows 26

Finally we see some Eddie Magic with a sharp soccer right on the goal line. Not his best but some fine work from the master. As I ask the question is that my beer? Theres a fresh beer in front of me. Is it mine? Samurai to Billy as we get a fourth dance in 80-32. Billy straight to the Shag as we are informed theres no chef. Billy gets his fifth as theres no doubt hes back, with Pamela out hes the X factor we desperately need 86-32. GG gives us a 7 for the hi 5s and dance. Crows shot is punched in the square. GG tells the manager with no chef we/d be happy to cook corn beef for the place. Manager says they still make that? Oh he needs to talk to the other manager about that reference. He loves us, Ol Corn Beef Man. Crows get a point which Huddo calls a magnificent point, at least he didn/t call it crucial. Wills to Rowdy Hyphen runs seven metres bang 92-33. Crows get two goals as Huddo says late joy for the crows. Yeah they/ll be dancing in the street over that, then he goes back to percentage. Billy goes for goal number six leads to nothing. Dunstall makes the statement the big boys play in September. Well they are grown men over the age of 18 I suppose they are big boys. Trav misses as we mention its Daisy Thomas last game today. Premiership Player for the Pies of Course, but in my mind i/ll always remember him as a Bagger. I just remember before he left he did the whole yeah I wanna stay but we goota nut out the contract blah blah blah. Then he also claimed he needed money in his pocket, yes because he would ave made no money playing seven years of footy, how much money you need? Anyway I never liked him, and him going to Carlton gave me a reason to dislike him. We all comment hes retiring so he can play kick to kick with Mick, hey both ave a lot of time from now on. Screwdriver goals as Pete is busy looking at Bernies phone 100-48. And then the moment I almost blew my load big time. THE SHAG HAS A SHOT, but falls well short. Sigh, next time. Samurai to Brownlow Speedboy 45 out gets his 3rd 112-48. Bernie walks in from the bar and says another goal? You cunts are greedy. And then it happens again SHAG HAS A SHOT as he marks 40 out to close the game im screaming me Fred and Pete are all on our feet this will be the greatest moment on modern football history of he lands this. Misses, GG says he sucked the air out of the room as we end the game on a sad note

GAME OVER

PIES 114

CROWS 48

Solid result after a slow start. Our best performance after the bye. My Dingley Correspondent Tim (who turns out is in Oakley) texted saying where the fuck was this the last few weeks?. The last few weeks only a handful of blokes played a decent game, wheres here I thought 90% of the fellas of the field put in a great performance.  Wills has been a great attrition, a real bastard which we need. And Roughead was great playing forward filling in for Cox which is a vital spot and Roughy has held his own. With Pamela the Gooster and Moore coming back it will add the x factor we need from Pamela and Gooie while Moore is the rock bookend we desperately need up back. We made finals and top 4 is still a possibility, things are looking alright. As mentioned it/s very open this year. Heres my prediction…….

ITS ANYONES FLAG.

Lets hope the season ends with a bang with the Dons on Friday. They/ve been up and down but they always bring it for us, so im expecting the unexpected. And given its Friday night we gotta get Fred from Johnnys to the Bala by 7:50, which is always interesting to see if the Molls will finish up at 7:30. I told everyone we needed that training camp at the bye, instead we watched the Number 96 movie, and im still trying to figure what the fuck happened in that movie. But thats for another rant.

Thats all for now, see yous at the Balaclava on Friday

GO PIES

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Plastic Section- Trouble is our Business LP Review.

I first saw Plastic Section at the Gem last year. A killer three piece that was John Spencer meets 50s rockabilly. Singer/guitarist Ben Edwards had a voice and guitar style that was straight out of Sun Studios. Ben kindly gave me their latest release Frenzy in the City of Hell. It was an incredible release, 12 tracks just over 30 minutes long. It sounded old but sounded fresh, while it had a 50s vibe there weren/t trying to rip anyone off. 2019 sees the release of their new LP Trouble is my Business released off the mighty Off the Hip label. 10 songs under 30 minutes, the way all LPs should be. Playing bass on the recording is the hardest working man in Melbourne Pip McMullan.

Mean Things: Country meets rockabilly riff nothing mean sounding bout this.

Trouble is my Business: Title track could be used in a 50s mafia movie, or could be blasting outta jukebox in a bikie flick before shit hits the fan and a fight breaks out. Nice howling screaming from Ben.

Wildfire: had a smile on my face when I saw this track as it reminded me of Wildfire Tommy Rich, one of the greatest underdog Babyfaces in wrestling. This track slows things down a bit, the kind of song you play when your mates are walking down the street on a Saturday night when you/ve got your best clothes on and you feel like no one can fuck with you.

Hot Hot Hot: Ace drum solo starts things off, love the way the riff slides off the rails towards the end.

Blue City Stroll: Wonderful instrumental track, easing riff with a mean bass line with a surf rock riff thrown in the mix. Simple but not showy.

Yeah Yeah: the longest track at 2:45. Gonna be trouble gonna be fun is a killer line.

Graveyard Shit: My favorite track off the LP, I even played it on the Graveyard Shift recently on RRR. Amazing rock n roll track.  

Big Sandy: Another instrumental track that has showdown kind of feel to it.

Frenzy: I think there/s a line in this song that says three days in a whisky pit which I like if that indeed is the line.

Shot: shows how to end things in the most brutal fashion.

Ten killer tracks on this CD, fans of John Spencer and the Back from the Grave comps need to check this out. Brilliant rock n roll that gives nods to the past while not living in it. One of the best LPs of 2019 for me.

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Roound 18 vs Giants

Happy Birthday GG and Phil MacDougall

July for some reason is Collingwoods bogy month, a month in the year when for some reason all to turns to shit, so aving lost two of our last three games and aving the one win by a point, and with the season being so open and the unexpected happening, the last two games of July are crucial to make sure we get the double chance. Aving beaten the Eagles by the most crucial of points in Perth, we now go to the Giants home. Two road trips in as many weeks, meanwhile im in my usual spot at the Balaclava. Can the Pies go into the Tigers game with some momentum? Lets go to the Bala.

After writing a review of the Neil Hamburger gig the other night (see the Munster page on Freds site for that review tomorrow) I run to the Bala and do my pre match retuial. KB had Friday night Fish and Chips, I smash a fag minutes before the bounce. I see Pommy Dave on his bike, im calling that an omen. Bloke in front bar Screams go Blues I say PIES in return. I find that weird considering we aint playing each other. Fred texted me earlier in the day saying It/s a Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World is on the same time so Dole Cheque is in trouble. God I love that movie. The Blues game is on in the library so I watch that to kill time before our game. Dwayne Russell claims the Coast Cunts (thanks Gerald Healy for that) need four goals to win. The mans a genius, I was wondering how many goals they needed to kick. Minutes later his brain is again working overtime, as Dwayne then says what the score is, but then proceeds to say thats the score line just in case we needed to know what those numbers were about Alistair Lynch also gets in on the act saying that Suns need the next clearance. For fuck sake. I change the channel to the Pies game just in time but theres no sounds. With 8 seconds to spear Fred john and Jackie all enter and bolt to the bar. Theres no table set up it/s a shambles, maybe I should ave set the tables up? Nah my jobs to write the report not set the tables.

Adams finds Cox but cant mark. AGAIN. Pommy Dave also joins us as the Giants goal. Samurai to Sidie amazing soccer kick but just misses as we see the Shag head. Krbes to giant Dole couldn/t intercept the mark. With no sound I just wonder what the callers are saying, so me and Fred make it up, Fred saying the Pies need a goal. Cox to Matrix to Sidie goes long Shag is in the square Aish does an ace kick from 30 7-6. But hes dragged straightaway it/s a fucking conspiracy, hes in good form for fuck sake keep him on the ground. The manager ducks as he walks past the telly. Onya lad. Sarah said shes told the landlord about the no sounds, something bout how it/s a Foxtel game and something with the box not working with the TV. Anyway it sounds made up.  Last Night Murray from the the Wiggles playes Dogs Bar. He played great, but as a 90s kid I always preferred Peter Combe. Me and Terry had an argument over which is better but admits hes never heard him for fuck sake. We ave sound of the Blues Suns game as the bloke behind has it cranked up, after the game he turns off the Blues game but puts on a doco on the moon landing. Why the fuck anyone would want to go to the moon? Theres no street bar or Blackmolls every Friday. Could this fella behind us be anymore selfish? Giants get another goal via Jeremy Cameron Fred says he kicks a lot of goals hence why they win. Fucking giants get another and another. Ah fuck this wasn/t in the script. And they get another as me and Fred talk it’s a mad mad mad mad mad mad world. Fred wants me to get onto the Shoehorn, his plan is for Krebs to ave massive bongos to put off the Giants. Dole Cheque has been quiet he must be busy with It’s a mad mad.. , I say he should put a telly in front of him to keep him on the ground. We discuss Dole TV as Fred mentions Fraiser is on the telly all the time. Which is true it seems like its always on the telly whenever I get home from the pub. Seinfeld I notice is on more now. Good, its one of the five greatest show off all time, why the fuck is shit like Friends and Raymond on. Gimme Sgt Bilko and the Honeymooners and the Twilight Zone. GG enters not pleased with the set up. He turns the sound down on the bloke behind us/es TV. Jackie said this game is no fun and she is right.  GG mentions the no sound I tell him the landlord is working on it, but I doubt he will. Rose is on the blower saying she aint happy, neither are we. Matrix has a shot, I say we need this. Finds the Samurai easy shot but lands on the full. This is gonna be a long arvo. Hyphen takes a big mark but the Gooster cant hold the mark. I break for smoko early.

Quarter time

Pies 7

Giants 50

While going for a break I bump into Duncan wearing a lovely velvet suit, he cringes when I tell him the score and wishes us luck. We fucking need it. As I walk in Howe kicks a great goal as we see Shags beautiful face. 13-50. We cut to the grandstand and there is fuck all there. Thank fuck Giants are doing well, as Gold Coast are doing fuck all for attendance. Imagine that the two expansion teams in the slumps, but Ol Gil would find a way to defend em, like he did with the Suns during the week. Noe everythings fine all is well is his motto. Matrix to Dole Cheque 40 on the boundary misses Howe Shag forces a bloke on the line to force over a minor, David King would ave said they needed that to be a goal. GG asks if there are cranes in the background, Fred informs they are giraffes. Dave Last enters who says both teams cant lose. Onya for the expert commentary Lasty, better than anything Luke Darcy ever said. Cox 60 out shit call as Giants mark the ball over the line Cox to Dole Cheque son of Rowdy pushes ball over the line as the lovely Rose enters and just says this ends now. Samurai taps to Matrix free to Sidie Fred blasts out Container Drivers. If Mark E Smith doesn/t get the Pies up nothing will. Howe marks 50 out finds a giant. Well halfway through quarter no giants score and us just one goal. GGs had enough as we fix the tables. Is this an omen? Silly kick from Krebs to Sidie in the Giants 50 but he just holds it. Fred plays Lust for Life, on no sorry its Jet coming out the front bar with are you gonna be my girl as Dave Last walks past with a little dance. Good mark from Isaac 70 out Howe cant mark Aish to Brownlow bad kick lands to a Giant. Fred predicts five Pies goals and a mark of the year contender from Howe. Well he gets the Howe mark but we just get the one goal as Crocker gets a goal from 15 out. GG gives us a zero for our hi 5s but we ave the excuse of its been awhile inbetween goals. Giants get a goal to close the quarter with a one handed mark. Great mark but insane he was able to take it as Howe was there to stop him. Well we kept em to one goal but they kept us to two. That explosive start from them has made it near impossible for us to get up, there just playing defense now and the lead is enough for em to do it.

Half Time

Pies 20

Giants 56

No sound we see G Lyon do a bouncing ball action I guess. He says fuck all when he talks so I guess he needs to do the action to prove his point, whatever boring point hes making . Some guy called Tom Morris is on screen, hes a senior AFL reporter. What does that make me, junior shitkicker reporter? I like that, im gonna run with that.

Anyway fucking giants score again straightaway Sidie belts a massive kick from 50 ace goal 62-32. We go 50 again Hyphen with the ball but his arm is held, Shag is there to help, gets a crucial point me and John resort to watching the moon landing doco as giants goal. I see footage of JFK making that “we choose to go to the moon” speech. When I was ten I could do a mean impersonation of the character Bigelow, the mouse character from Snagglepuss. I used to recite that JFK line as Bigelow, much to my own amusement and no one elses. I think this is the kind of references that my dad would tell me no one knows what the fuck you/re on about. No wonder I had few friends when I was 10. We bring up the George Calombaris front page puff piece on Good Weekend. Seriously what bad timing. The cunt was exposed as a thief a year ago, then has the nerve to do an interview with the Hun claiming it was his year from Hell, claiming hes the victim. Years earlies he moaned about aving to pay penalty rates on Sundays. Hes just a scum bag, I hope they hit his wallet hard and this knob is never on TV again. Dole Cheque minors giants straightaway get another. We get the worn, aka the score watch which is just David King doing a scribble to make it look like hes doing something. Crisp has a shot touched on the line as me and GG talk the British Open as Fred and Jackie cant believe it as they hate golf. A mate once gave me a weird look when another mate told her we played a round of golf. Later when I mentioned it she said she was shocked as according to her golf players are cunts.. never heard that one before, and aside from the people I play with, a lot are, particularly whoever is playing a hole ahead of me. Anyway back to the broadcast. Im guessing David King says we need to stop the onslaught Roughead drops an easy mark as Howe takes a piggy back mark that has as all laughing, how the fuck that was paid. Son of Rowdy has the ball as i say where the fuck is my lighter?

3 quarter time

Pies 49

Giants 83

As im watching the golf highlights I miss a wonderful goal from Matrix 60 out, he really is captain courageous kicking a wonderful goal and coming back from a broken finger they said would make him miss six weeks. We get that fucking worm score again. Giants score as we need a multi ball to happen, it/s the only chance we ave of getting a win tonight. Fred says we can win, will be the story of the year, like Richo and the Saints was of the year according to the Age after three rounds. Wonder if the Age want to retract that statement or feel they ave a role in Richos downfall. Gooster marks as John says thats our first leading mark for the day for fuck sake. The Gooster finally marks as we ave so much Goo we need to unleash, but he misses. Me and John discuss and cringe at the Tony Shaw years coaching the club. John says he recruited a bunch of battlers. I mention it was like he wanted a whole team of Tony Shaws when we only needed one, but John mentions his name sake Kent Butcher and what a maniac he was. Great run from Sidie to Hyphen in the Square as Dole Cheque finally gets away from the box to kick a goal. We also get It/s a Mad Mad mad Mad Mad Mad world on the telly next to the both, and on the other TV is the Lion Kind, god Dole Cheque must be conflicted. Gooster finally gets a goal as we blow all our load, GG gives it a 8.25 as the siren finally puts us out of our misery

 After the game I get to focus on the last 30 minutes of Mad Mad world, god I love Phil Silvers

I gotta bolt to the Labor in Vain for Phil MacDougalls 60th. It was a hell of a bash, im still wearing my Collingwood scarf, blokes you can trust Rusty and Col ask why im still wearing that, Col says when his teams (Dogs) loses he takes his scarf off, but im not sure what to do, I thought it looks like poor looser to take it off, but it does look stoopid wearing it after a loss. Rusty is of course pleased bout the Bombers, Glen and Glenno both give me grief for wearing it. Dicko from the Hybinators and me debrief on the loss, both agree Flynn should not ave played and it was the talls that killed us, the Sack and Reid would ave been a big difference. I meet this nice fella and we keep bumping into each other and after seeing my scarf we go through all the 101s after a loss, i.e seven days is a long time in football, its not the coaches fault. Lovely fella. A barmaid picks up the scarf and offers condolences before screaming Go Tiges.

Easily our worst gam,e of the season, but yet with It/s a Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World on the telly next to the game it wasn/t so bad. Sidie and Crisp were the only two blokes I thought played a good four quarter game, we just didn/t ave the talls to combat the Giants. Moore and Pamela are our biggest outs and the team is suffering without em at both ends. With one win in four games, and that was by a point I aint looking forward to the run home as its gonna be uphill. With the Tigers and Blues to play again they certainly wont be the same teams we played earlier in the year. We need the Sack back, hopefully Moore will be back soon, and Pamela, just, just you’re an idiot.

Anyway see yous at the Bala on Friday

Matt N Ryan

Junior Collingwood Shitkicker Reporter (Dingley Division)

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Qualifying Final v Cats

Now. The best teams and players always lift when it comes to September and you see blokes giving it all and it/s a time when legends are born and made. This rant has nothing to do with that, don/t expect any extra effort from me. And after watching this game theres no extra effort from the callers as well as BT Bruce and Richo were in Steller awful form. After a week off (can someone please tell me why we ave this stoopid bye week, im yet to head a good reason why) it/s down to the last eight. After a season where ive read it all, Pies for Flag, Pies no Good, Pies to miss the 8, GG has lost the Tables award at Awards night (thats from the CEO) its all been said and written, but we got the double chance. Despite a poor July we ended the year on decent form. Some interesting selections going into the Cats game, the Gooster, Sidie and the prodigal son Idiot Pamela are all back while Scharenberg with the Lot, Madgen and Trav out. Interesting selection three forwards for three defenders. Trav has been up and down but hes the X Factor that we need in finals, but Idiot Pamela is a big in as hes been the bloke we/ve missed the most but one VFL game in three months is hardly a good run around the field. So im expecting the unexpected tonight, I just hope the cops and ambos aint gonna make a cameo tonight at the Balaclava.

I arrive at Surabaya Johnnys at 6:30 to meet Fred so we can escort him to the Bala. Fred and Dave play another cracking set. Connor is here as a Tigers fan he tells me he hopes both teams tonight beat the shit out of each other. The lovely Jo arrived at 7, and gives me a most thoughtful present a Magpie for the front yard. She tells me I ave to name him. I call him Sabu. Jos also wearing a Pies scarf and the $2 Shop Pies socks I brought her and the whole crew one season. . Dave has me on Timekeepers duty. I give Fred the five minute warning as we leave Johnnys at 7:32PM and we/re off. The CEO Pete informs me he/ll meet us at the Bala. A perfect bolt as we arrive with four minutes to spear enough to get a beer, but sadly not enough for a fag.

Mark, John Jackie and Owen are here, the lovely Elizabeth makes a cameo wishing us a good night

As I run to the bar Dermie says this is the big one. Isn/t the nig one in four weeks time? Jo has called it. We/ll get the first kick, and goal. We get the first kick, onya Jo. Jo has also coined Dangerfield DD as it makes him sound less dangerous, an excellent name that suits him. Linda has kindly booked the room for us with the tables in an amazing set up, so shes making a late charge for Awards night. Levi goes 50 but is pinned Brownlow to Billy Idiot Pamela has plenty of options and finds Dole Cheque who is pushed by DD, and hes off, his first moan of the night as Dole Cheque gets a free, Roughead is the target but two cats beat him. Adams Brownlow soccers it to go 50 cats all over it but they kick to the Hyphen who finds Speedboy short pass to Billy 40 out. Good diving mark but a bad kick 1-0. Matrix given a free leads to nothing. And fuck me Richo makes a good comment. I was in such shock I forgot to write it down. Pamela to Billy no mark is hit and rushed for another minor. Bruce says the Pies are putting the Cats to the fire. ITS FIVE MINUTES IN. Free to the Cats Fuck off Razor. Matrix taps to the Shag cats punch the ball out. Samurai to Speedboy Adams 30 out BANG 8-0. With more Pies then usual the hi 5s are a bit all over the shop. Im giving that effort a 12. We recall the Age Article where they call Pendlebury Matrix, we ask who called him that first? I heard Pete n Fred call him matrix and went with that. I don/t know who called it but im guessing the Age stole it from us. People asked if I read that article. I asked if my name was in the Age on that particular day, when I found out no I said why would I bother with that? Shag to Brownlow Noble kicks to G Ablett 3 votes Matrix hold him up Pamela beats two finds Billy back to Pamela Billy goes bang and we dance 14-0. Waz enters he tells me Jess says Go Cats. I tell him to tell her Pies. He says he aint going back to the Bowlo .Straightway Pamela goes the hack brilliant start 20-0. Crisp holds the ball just outta the cats 50 Pies, Ablett is booed. This bloke liked a hate post and has held the media and fans in contempt his whole career so I ave no sympathy for him. Levi is pushed no free from Razor. Hawkins has a shot we go to the review system with the amazing control room, for such a neat looking system its amazing how many times that fuck it up Point haha.BT says something smart telling the cats top move on. Shag marks on the cats goal line, thats crucial. Bruce says the cats don/t know whose on their team. Hawkins kicks to a bloke on the line and score 20-7. BT claims there is a lot at stake in this game. Uh like jackpot night for the quiz at the Bala, there was a lot at stake than id say this is slightly more higher stakes. Cats miss a sitter, Fred did his Chewy on ya boot, thanks to Rose for that. Cats ave a shot it looks like its gonna be a goal BT says don/t drag him after he kicks it. He misses you can drag him now for that pissweak effort.  Bruce says they/ve turned the corner despite butchering the ball you fucking idiot. Fred asks why the umps are wearing Sex Pistols shirts cats ave a shot another shit kick Moore punches Gooster is hit throw in. Adams free for grabbing the throat. Yeah fair enough. Brownlow and Selwood ave words, after a pause Richo says gee id like to hear that conversation. Cunt Carey says its so easy to turn the ball over and sling to the other end. You think? Richo comes up again saying the cats are in this contest. Dole Cheque to Sidie runs 15 out Find Billy three metres out he wants to pass but comes to his scenes 46-8. Col enters. The cats ave one more push up forward but Howe stops it.

Quarter Times

Pies 26

Cats 8

Jackie gives me some tapes, thanks love, great section with You Am I, Neil Young and NWA. Owen brings up what he calls the bad bet which I call the good bet. Owen claimed neither the pies or Tigers would make the final, to which I disagreed. So if one teams makes the final I get a shot if none make it Owen gets a shot. He wants to make a * to the bet. If both teams make it I get two shots. No other change to the bet. I agree to these terms to which Waz approves. Jo kindly gives me her chips. Ok focus the game is on. Samurai marks kicks to Matrix Krebs Pamela to Sidie marks Pamela cant mark hold Howe has a run from 50 goal of the night 23-9. Krbs free cats 50 Samurai Shag Sidie 60 out cats punch it over. Shag to Matrix Noble is cut off BT says cats need to win for fuck sake. And the pies don/t? Fred enters with 3D glasses Sidie marks Speedboy Howe again but is rushed over 33-9. Crisp Fred says Chip pass to which we eat a chip cats rush over ump calls deliberate haha Gooster on a tight angle misses up by 25. Levi takes an amazing backwards mark in cats 50 BT says cats need to address this. Samurai to Crisp Billy Brownlow Adams 15 out 40-9. Mark says he isn/t gonna cha cha cha as he abstained until the third goal and when he did the cats got the next. Cats dropped the ball but not paid but we get paid for holding, and again Fuck off Razor. Anyway kick gets what it deserves hits the post. BT says Cats need to react. Howe tops Levi with his own backwards mark. Levi and the hyphen ave four kicks to cover a grand total of 20 meters. Billys the target but cant hold on. But hits the cats and given a free for dropping. Shit kick leads to on the full. Shag intercepts the kick from the cats Krebs to Pamela Hyphen grabbed but puts boot to ball amazing goal 46-10. We go round the table but Fred pulls me up as we forgot to Hi 5. Owen wants in but Pete shuts that down. Cats go 50 BT says they can get something out of this. Anyway they get a goal and BT loses it is if they are killing us when its their second goal of the game, he claims they got it just in the nick of time. I break the seal, DD gives a free away he moans again. Cats go 50 BT says good movement. Bruce says so many battles tonight, yeah like me to not smash the telly listening to you daft cunts. Cats get another Bruce says they made a move. Seriously im sure Bruce is a nice guy but he just comes across like a silly fool here. Cats go 50 again and that leads to the main smoko.

Half Time

Pies 47

Cats 28

HT break sees me and Pete talk the Ashes Smith what a legend the best batsmen in my lifetime or maybe anyones. I don/t think hed be a bloke id buy a beer for but what a champion the man is a machine, very few compare to him. Chief Dunstall looks old with his jacket, Jo says we/re gonna win yup shes calling it.

Moore gets a free kicks to Noble has a run around in the Cats 50 finds Wills Brownlow Sidie Pamela beaten in the Pies 50. Adams has a shot touched on the mark rushed over 48-29. DD marks Bruce claims thats so important. Sidie to Dole Cheque plays on Cats pin him, BT says Cats need to ave a go. He follows up saying now what? Uh kick it? Brownlow to Wills Krebs holds the ball up Matrix held Sidie plays on brilliant goal 55-29.Cats get one straightaway and on Cue BT Says there back. We the discuss the grand final entertainment. Pete suggests the Loaf and Lionel Ritchie. I like that, I say go song for song. I add a suggestion, I want them on the Batmobel, with Angry Anderson driving, not singing. Ten minutes Later I tell Pete I also want Joe Dolce singing shut up in your face with the words changes. Whats a matter you GIL sounds good. Jackie says I just wanna dance on the sealing. Hey why not I did in 2010. Pies go forward Billy taps to Wills taps ball out DD gives a free and again he crys hahaSo does Ablett, wheres your messiah now Ablett? Mark says next goal is important. Richo says switch which leads to me and Fred singing Pay Your Rates by the Fall. Daisy is finally allowed to say something which Bruce says good point probably the only good point of the night. Pamela to Matrix from 45 brilliant kick 61-36 Bruce says that was good. BT says a forward loves it when the ball comes down so quickly. Richo agrees. I take this time to use the boys room and its time for a fag.

3 quarter time

Pies 61

Cats 36

Speedboy gets a shot after a free which Cunt Carey says shouldn/t ave been allowed, as if he has any kind of moral compass. Anyway Speedboy misses, some stats come up with Matrix and DD, Bruce thinks Matrix has been better all night. Well goes to show you he aint a complete fool. Dole Cheque pins a cat, great performance from him, clearly nothing good was on telly tonight. And in the fourth quarter ive got the headline act for the Grand Final. On the Batmobile I want Uriah Heep, in a trailer being driven from Shoppingtown to the G. Ok, Gil gimme $10 million i/ll make this happen. Dollhouse has a shot Bruce says he cant afford to miss this. He does haha. DD finally does something and BT claims no one loves getting the ball more than him. Does he ave a radar that he can judge that by? Richo also claims don/t you love a defender that that wins the ball? Well if he doesn/t win the ball he aint a defender hey Richo. Cats get another one which BT calls as if the/ve hit the front in the grand final with 8 seconds to go, when it really keeps em in the game with four minutes to go. He then shows off his math skills by saying they need 2 goals in 3 minutes. Within a minute BT says the cats need two goals Richo says cats need to man up, and Bruce says they need a mark and im done.

GAME OVER

PIES 61

CATS 51

After the game Matrix is given a chairing and its none other than Shag that has him on one side. What a champion.  Oh and Matrix is great too. As I said in my mast rant Matrix is the greatest Pies player of my lifetime, hes got another 50 games left in him. A true champion congratulations on a brilliant career so far. Afterwards me Mark Jo Fred and Viv head to the den of sadness, as we discuss Hubert Selby Jr, as well as Dan Warner and Dave Warner. I mention Halt Time at the Football as the greatest football song of all time, and we also bring up the Dave song Wimbledon, which Mark brings up for me the greatest line ever in Oz rock

Björn Borg and Vitas Gerulitis
Don’t come down with serum hepatitis

Ah Dave, he was just a suburban boy.

Well, great result topping the top of the table team. The story for me was Krebs holding G Ablett to nothing and the brilliance of Moore and Howe in the backline, Moore in particular in the last quarter. However we won by only ten points against a Geelong side where Ablett Hawkins and Selwood did bugger all, if one of em had fired it could ave been the difference. Still a win over the top side and a week off nothing to sneeze at. Richmond are the form team and are gonna be hard to beat and looked very impressive against Brisbane. I cant see the Giants going beyond next week but I think its pretty open amongst the other five teams.

Anyway thanks for reading see ya in two weeks for the prelim rant.

Onya and GO PIES

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Round 21 v Dees

With three weeks to go and coming off beating the Jobbers the Pies must win to secure a finals spot, which this week sees us playing the snow bunnys. I stayed over the night at Geelong and came back to Smith Street for a party, so I knew I was gonna ave to do a Phantom to be able to watch the game.

Anyway, Friday night I was holed up in the Barwon Club which had the company of one Leaping Larry L, one of my favourite sports commentators out there. His podcast Footy Fowl House is essential listening and I encourage you all to listen to it at the Leapster Bugle. I crashed at my mate Glennos pad as we drove to Melbourne for his 50th the next day. At quarter time I get a message from my Dingley Correspondent Tim (I need to ask him if hes still living in Dingley) saying what a shit game. I get the phone for the score, ah, maybe i/ll stay at the party. 20 minutes later hes back on the blower saying what I turn around. I also see a photo Jackie has posted of her amazing set up of the tables at the Bala. She even arrived two hours before the game, now thats dedication. We may ave a new table arranger watch out GG. When I check the score I do the phantom stick my thumb out and get a car. Is it a phantom if I say goodbye to the host and the group I was talking to?

I walk in at Half Time and see Fred Pete Jackie Casey and Mark at the table. Jackie has done a wonderful job with the table arrangements, Pete says GG title as seat arranger is up in the air. Before the bounce a discussion takes place as to what you would call a group of octopus. Pete suggests a flock, Fred reckons it/s a group of seagulls you would call a flock which is an excuse to mention that New Years Eve gig a Flock of Seagulls played the Venue in the 80s. I cant start writing my report until I smash a fag and ave a beer at the table, so after getting some smoke in my lungs and a beer in hand now I can get to the coverage. I bring out the party blower Leroy gave us for GGs birthday a few weeks ago, Fred tells me to settle, reminding me I aint in the public bar anymore.

Billy to the Hyphen, with a fucking dribble kick to a Dees bloke in the square. Matrix 70 metres out thumping kick to Billy but with a pack situation hes too short to mark Sidie to Matrix Dees get the ball to the centre Wills taps to Brownlow bands his head on Nathan Jones leg, Billy marks 40 out just misses up by 18. Matrix from 40 goes bang 43-19. GG aint here to give us a score for the hi 5s, so im giving us a 10 for that effort. Straightaway Trav goes bang 49-19. G Lyon on the call says enough is enough, for what reason I don/t no. Enough is enough of him being a boring git that says nothing interesting? For fuck sake Garry say something interesting. He then goes on and says Pamela is still a chance of playing finals. For fuck sake you think? What football expert school did he go too? Madgen lands a good hit but paid a free against him, some daft Dees bloke grabs Madgens jumper and refuses to let go. Hows that not a free ump? Dees bloke has a shot, fuck it looks like our mate Dave Dare. Chimney sweep by day plays for the Dees on the weekend how does he do it? G Lyon says the Dees ave been better the last few minutes. Well they scored a goal, the first foer 30 minutes so yes Gaz is right that is better. Hyphen swings round high kick misses Bucks aint happy. Scharenberg with the lot has the ball, again I bring up what should be in a burger with the lot, i want bacon and runny egg, Fred reminds me this is game day not book club and I need to focus. Anyway Dole Cheque marks 20 out and nails it, Fred starts singing the Mad About You theme. I watched that on my time off, god that has aged badly, not that I liked it the first time round. Brownlow given free for holding, now heres where my notes fail me, I wrote Sidie 30 seconds, I don/t know what that means. Theres some Dees bloke with a Shag like haircut. Hes such a trendsetter they all want to be the Shag but theres only one. Crisp has an amazing run, two bouncers kick from 60 no one in the square outstanding effort 62-26. Pete gives the Hi 5s 12 out of 10 as Hudo says the Dees are getting a good probing. Ah nah I think they/re getting goals kicked against em Hudo, god to think I once liked him. Screwdriver from 60 finds Krebs 40 out shit free paid against him. We bring Crisp up, as we had an idea once whenever hed score a goal wed eat some crisp, but we all wanted different flavours so that idea was just a thought pretty much. Jackie brings up light and tangy crisps and ask if they were Smiths, I can confirm they was, or are I don/t know. Dees fuck up a chance G Lyon wants son of Rowdy penalized but as if anyones listening to that boring cheating fuck. Petes called it, Samurai has the Brownlow all wrapped up and won. It/s the Shag for me thats one it for me. Another fake Shag for the Dees appears, has a shot but of course he misses as hes a wannabee

3 quarter time

Pies 62

Dees 26

After a fag I walk in to see Dole Cheque get his fourth EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND INDEED. 69-26. Hyphen to Trav 15 out kicks up the kick Dees get it out, Daicos to Shag but cant beat three Dees. Hes only human. Petracca kicks a Dees goal, Pete says he wouldn/t get a game at Collingwood with a name like that. Hyphen to the Matrix Dole Cheque beaten by two Dees as  they get another point Wills to Samurai Sidie five meters out pinned Petraccas hit by Son of Rowdy Billy to Trav but touched on the line. We see some Melbourne blokes with helmets on, Pete mentions they can be used as skiing helmets as well. Theres a fake Shag for the Dees hearing a headband, that bloke didn/t get the memo bout skiing, which is where all those Dees fans in the rain now will be going in a few minutes. Dave Dare has a shot and misses. Max Gawn kicks one, hes tailormade for the snow. He goals wonder if Google told him that. Dees get a goal with five minutes to go to take em within four goals. Hudo acts as if they just hit the front of the grand final with a minute to go, when it was a consolation goal as they ave no chance of winning.  Later a Dees bloke soccers it a has a shot, Hudo screams clever. How clever? Its out of the full you fucking idiot. You certainly aint clever Hudo. Shag beats the fake shag, proving the original is always the best, he also calls it a important point not an important point and that will do us

GAME OVER

PIES 70

DEES 53

After the game David King says without Pamela we need more players to kick goals. And thats why he earns the big bucks. We then sit down to watch the game of the season, the Lions vs Suns, with our new favourite player Zorko. Fred makes up some amazing story of the planet Zorko, wish I remembered it.

Two wins in a row, but not convincing and against bottom teams. But hey we made it. Pamela will be ready for the finals and hopefully Moore will be back which will be big ins. It’s the same six blokes playing good games, we need less passengers which theres at least ten out there right now.

Sorry for short rant, will be at the Bala from the start next week so will resume normal broadcasting next week.

See yous Saturday

GO PIES

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Round 19 v Tigers

Pies v Richmond

Well the curse of July continues for the pies. Aving one win in four games, and an absolute pantsing by the giants last week, we/ve gone from September contenders to the possibility of not even making the 8. Tonight is what commentators like to call a Blockbuster. Im not confident but aving beaten the Tigers the last two times you never know whats gonna happen. After some questionable selections last week and the injuries still building up the run home is looking more and more harder, and also for once will the tables be set ready for us when we arrive at the Bala. Our CEO Pete has put GG on notice. So lets see what unfolded

I see Mickster at his Off the Hip base, a mad tigers fan he starts the trash talk five hours before the bounce. He says expect a three quarter time text gloating bout the Tigers win. Yeah we/ll see. I arrive at Johhnys at 6:30 to see Fred and Dave, Pete and Jo enter not far behind me. I tell Pete we need a camp in how to escort Fred from Johnnys to the Bala as our attempts to Bolt to the Bala ave been a mix bag. It gets to 7:35 and I say lets bolt, Fred is still playing but he knows where we are. On the way me and Pete discuss will GG be there and will the tables be set up. Pete says there will be hell to pay if GG doesn/t ave the tables in order

We arrive just in time for the bounce, Jackie is here, no GG, and people are sitting in our regular seats. I don/t like change.

As I run to the bar I see Cox awarded a free and misses to get us off the mark. But straightaway the Gooster goals as we/re off and running 7-0. That goal was in dispute, more on that later in the rant. Jo says she hopes the score stays the same for the rest of the game. Get the Shag to play kick to kick with the Gooster and we/ll win. If I had the shoehorn I would ave told Bucks that but hes disconnected the line. I sit at the royal box, ie the booth Tigers miss. BT says three touches clean as a whistle as our mate Kev is here. Cox to the Gooster Sidie Gooster again Matrix Cox again no mark Trav wants a free not getting it free to Samurai in the 50 shit kick leads to a point. Lingy says its been all kicking from the Pies, need more possessions. How can a three time premiership player say a whole lot of nothing? Tigers win the clearance as GG enters. Pete lets him ave it says he had one job. Hes using no phone as the excuse. Which also means no tram tracker. Pete informs him sanctions will happen, probably means he won/t clean up on awards night as excepted. Sidie intercepts taps to Crisp kicks to Dusty Isaac runs past the ball Shag to Dole Cheque Sidie kicks on the full Kev asks my prediction, I say anyones game I ask Kev his call he says Tigers just. Waz finally gets sound on the telly. Tigers hit the point post leads to throw in. Jo gets her chips as me and Pete pop for the gravy boat. Gooster to Billy Son of Rowdy Dole Cheque held, throw in. Shag to Speedboy Can/t Stand Ya intercepts passes to Brasher Roughhead punches ball and gives away ridiculous free. Richo makes so lame justification Tigers goal bad bounce for the Pies sees Tigers goals again, Jo has faith said we will come from behind. Anyway during the week Cunt Carey made comments on Idiot Pamela, being a fool for posting pictures of his holiday. While it wasn/t the best of looks Carey is not the person that should be judging peoples actions overseas. Straightaway Tigers  go 50 again, Waz helps that nice Richmond lady that watched the game with us last time get the telly on in the lounge area. Onya Waz. Samurai to Shag low scrappy ball, bullshit free against Scharenberg with the lot. Tigers bloke kicked it but Scharenberg tapped it and he was paid deliberate even though it was going out anyway, that umpire is not a bold headed flog but hes a cunt, and Jackie agrees with me. I guess that means I won/t be taking mum and dad to the footy this coming week with language like that. Kick gets what it deserves as Roughead punches for a single. Cox held no free despite both hands being held. Free paid to Shag kicked straight to Screwdriver. Tigers miss as Fred enters with his Beetlejuice jacket and does a dance for the guys in our seats. Krebs marks, Jackie aint happy and screams bunch of cunts. Tigers goal as Eddie aint happy. Me as well. Tigers goal again as this is looking like an ugly night. Fred has an omen for us as Andrew Pendlebury was standing at Johnnys just before in the same spot Fred was singing in. i/ll take it

Quarter time

Pies 8

Tigers 34.

Mickster didn/t wait til the third break he text me already with a tiger emoji. Fuck if I was him I would ave. No sound again but I fix that. As Scott enters. Bruce says Pies need to hit scoreboard. I swear him and Lingy are taking turns who can be the bigger deadshit. Gooster takes great mark 40 from home. Kicks out on the full. Tigers straightaway go coast to coast, and of course theres no one in the fucking 50. Fucking pathetic that was. Way to easy. They go to the review but why bother it clearly was a six pointer. With all this we take time to discuss Fred Bassett. Jo said it was in a Tory paper in the UK, maybe it/s a conservative comix, maybe thats why I don/t find it funny. Fred calls it postmodern and asks me to do a postmodern review of Fred Basset. Challenge accepted Fred. Tigers goal as Fred says our quarter is postmodern. Jo says Tigers are getting too cocky and we/ll come from behind. I wish I had her faith. Pete mentions Fred missed the one hi 5 we had. Sidie marks, Pete mentions Sidies head is shinny. He reckons hes shinned it up, I reckon its bowling ball shinned. Put his head in there for 20 minutes it looks like. The Shag looks like hes had a haircut, Fred thinks it/s the rain. I disagree it/s a haircut. I get onto the phone to my Dingley correspondent Tim who isn/t watching the game, Dicko is on to me he also is livid Fred says it could be worse, we could be losing this badly against the suns. Petes blaming GG for all this. Thankfully tigers shot is touched. Son of Rowdy has a shot but misses. Billy has a go, leads to thrown in Shag is his usually wonderful self, Freds calling it a game of two halfs and hes going home to get his Joffa jacket from home. Isaac marks in the 50 Speedboy to Gooster Shag tackles a bloke, thats a vote for him. Cox hits the post Shag is held as we see the bold headed flog on screen. We discuss whether the Shag has cut its hair again im saying he has. Matrix goals Fred brings up the omen. GG says that was the omen, the goal was it nothing more. Crocker gets a goal after the siren the callers are giving us hope buts its too little too late for me.

Half Time

Pies 24

Tigers 61

Roaming Brian is now on at Half Time as if I aint suffered enough

Keith in the cage discuss the game, saying he was hoping for a close game, I wanted a Pies win so neither of us got what we wanted. Jo says they/ll ave the fire in the belly and come out swinging. We go 50 Hyphen is there. We/ve seen little of Dole Cheque. I see Rocky 6 is on so hes probably busy with that. One of my favourite Simpsons jokes is Bart using Roman Numerals to get out of the lion cage and brining up Rocky Films and says Rocky 7 Adrian/s revenge. Adrian is dead in rocky 6 so we won/t get to see Adrians revenge, damn. Shag marks billy cant score. Crisp gives the ball to a tiger, this Lynch fella is killing us and Roughed is not coming back, we/re fucked just in case we weren/t before. Lynch has I shot I channel Rose by screaming chewy on ya boot and it works. Coconut rough is brought up, I ask Pete if you ave that on Scharenberg with the lot, Pete says if you find a hot spot, I mention  cheese, Pete likes that, GG not so much. Fred says hes post football now. Cant Stand Ya hits the post. Brownlow punches ball back Shag handballs Pies kick a point Bruce says thats not what they wanted to do. Seriously please retire Bruce. Tigers goal Scharenberg lays tackle shit kick from, Tigers kicks out on the full but the kick from Crisp is terrible. Speedboy misses a shot, I want to know where Dole Cheque is? Pete says the best of Matlock must be on. Great hit from Crocker but free from yellow maggot Dusty kicks out on the full. Cox wraps bloke up Gooster from 30 we blow our load. BT says if they get one more before the break it would be huge. Fuck sake. And of course they get one back, Cunt Carey says Pies need more marks. Cant stand ya marks, Fred says thats our kryptonite aving players from the other team with Dole TV names.

3 quarter Time

Pies 40

Tigers 78

Crisp kicks leads to throw in Cox marks stoopid free from Gils men, Hyphen Crisp Tigers goal. Fred reckons it was Crocker not the Gooster that kicked the first goal. Im certain it was Gooster. Im not looking back at the Stats. We see a close up of the Shag, oh it was the rain not a haircut.  Billy gets one and we dance. Shag gets a touch. Pete says we need to win games from now on. Fuck indeed we need to win this week. For some reason I bring up a Don Lane table and how big you want it to be, I tell Jo she doesn/t want to know what that reference is. Samurai marks, Bruce calls him a good player. Lingy agrees. How much money do these two earn. Eddie is seen leaving. Matrix goals which is good for percentage, Siren sounds as I turn the telly off

After the game the lovely Jo exists as Marcus sings the Tigers song, despite not going for em. I never understand cheering for a team you don/t support. Kev exists to the night as well. Me Fred GG and Pete sing the Flaming Lips before we go our ways. We all play tram tracker by standing on the road. GG has a beer inside but is locked out, no phone and now this. We go our separate ways as I go to the market and hear someone shout Matty. Its Missi who always brings a smile to my face. Pete texts me saying Rocky 6 still going. What a way to end the night. The next say Dicko calls to rant on the game. We both agree selection committee as a lot to answer for, where was the Sack? We both agree if we win a final we/ll be happy.

Well that season to a turn for the worst. Yes we/ve had injuries but the team that took the field on the night was decent, while a few players coming back would help its really not an excuse. While plenty of blokes are missing, really Idiot Pamela and Moore are the two bookends we/re missing. With Lynch and Riewoldt there was no way Howe could stop both, one maybe but not both. And while Jack had a quiet night Lynch exploded, he certainly is worth the money. Sidie, Crisp and my boy the Shag ave been the only consistent good players in the last few weeks. The Hypehn and Dole Cheque who are usually solid contributors ave been quiet but they aint alone, so many blokes ave gone missing. I think our first Tigers game of the year we played our best which is good enough to beat anyone, while the last two weeks ave been our worst performances of the season and with performances like that theres few teams we can beat. Anyway, we play the Jobbers (wrestling term that) next week, ie the Suns. If we lose that game we don/t deserve to play finals, and i/ll quit this rant.

So, can the Pies find form before September?

What happens when I take ma and dad to the footy on Sunday?

Can GG reclaim his awards night awards with the setting of the tables?

Find out all this and more next week for the Suns game

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Week after regular season/week before finals rant

Good evening all welcome to Munster Bye week finals rant. The rant that has more piss sunk covering the games then Mark Robinson does after the footy and more look at me look at me im an attention seeking wanker traits then Kane Cornes.

Sorry for no rant on the Bombers game. I was tied up with commitments writing for The Age. Yes im a prostitute and go with whoever pays me that given week.

Its/ been a week since the Bombers game so feels wrong to do a full rant on a game thats a week old, and fuck what a week to miss a rant. The pies won there was a fainting the ambos came, the copes were called. Twice. Me and Pete talking basketball. Riveting stuff.

So instead im just going to do a general angry young man rant on whatever comes to my mind of this season with me sitting at the computer

This Friday will mark the 300th game of Matrix, or Scott Pendlebury as his mother calls him. In my life time, Bucks, Swan, Matrix, and Rocca (Sav that is) are the best ive seen put on the black and white jumper, for me Matrix is the best. Ive never heard anyone say he had a bad game or that hes been quiet for long periods of time. Hes a bloke that give everything he has when he runs on the pitch, when he retires hes gonna leave nothing in the tank. A true leader, respected by players of all teams, a courageous player and someone very worthy of the captains title. He is a true inspiration and a bloke all others should look up too. Onya Matrix give the cats hell on Friday and looking forward to game 400. Oh and congratulations on being made All Australian captain. Hey Mike Sheahan remember when you said he was no longer a A Grade player? Think its time they renamed that media centre at AFL House named after Mike. HG Neilson House would be a better fit as hes one of the few callers I listen and makes sense.

Whoever told Gil he should use the phrase Our Game should buy a round of beers for every footy fan out there for the suffering we ave to endure everytime he says that. Our Game is not a bad phrase, but they gave it to the wrong man. As I mentioned in a previous rant footy fans are embarrassed this upper class twit is running the game and hes embarrassed to be running it. Hes the kind of guy that landed the first high paying role he could land and get his stoopid brother a job as well. Im not saying you need a footyhead to run the league but this twat would never last a day at Windy Hill, Vic Park or the animal enclosure at Moorabbin,  he/d be the knob that calls security for what he thinks is abusive behaviour such as bold headed flog. Geez that poor bloke aint gonna live that down. It/s the same fella that hired Ed Sheeran, who a mate of mine described his work as music they play in public toilets so junkies don/t shoot up in em, because his daughter likes him. How many footy fans used his GF set to use as a pissbreak. Growing up footy was always a working/middle class game, a game people of all sorts would go and for three hours forget their trouble and scream and cheer, the way footy should be. But since the 2000s that’s changed and now its all about the corporate sponsors and whoever has enough zeros to make Gil listen. They couldn’t/t give a fuck bout the average club member in the stands. Case in point the Cats finish top of the ladder yet the Pies get the home game. Actually I shouldn/t complain bout that but for Gil to come out and say oh its for the fans to move the game to the G as opposed to saying it all bout the revenue shows how daft this lad is. So Gil, I don/t know which game your referring to when you say our game but count me out.

So far four coached ave come out and said they got full support of the board, ie see ya gone. I find it odd how coaches are treated in the media and the fans alike. Take Alan Richardson, honest show of hands, how many people who called him a genus after the first month where calling for his head ten weeks late?. After that long with no finals I don/t disagree with the decision even though a run of injuries didn/t help, but it seems after Luke Beveridge pulled off the fairytale flag of the Dogs in 2016 if someone can turn round a club straightaway there a genus while if they lose three in a row its off with their heads. I would ave liked to ave seen Richo stay the full year and see what he could ave done as he seemed to be liked by the players, but it wasn/t to be and the Saints ave had a solid run home under Ratten who should be the choice for coach with his past experience and what hes done in a short amount of time. It seems the days of coach swapping are through, if you get sacked from one club you/re pretty much blacklisted. Im glad Ratten will get another chance because he got a rough deal when the Baggers let him go, and gee didn/t that Malthouse idea work out great. . Then there/s Ross Lyon, yeah time for him to go, with no finals, and three years into a five year plan that looked like it was going nowhere it was an obvious decision. Mind you that/s what you get when you hire a bloke that sounds like the adults from Peanuts.

Anyone heard the Sun Podcast Sacked? The third episode was on Scott Waters. A bloke that shock up the club, had multiply people resign for how he ran the joint stuck his noise in departments where he didn/t belong, came out on radio and said everythings fine im well respected and was sacked hours later. Which producer thought yup we need to hear more from this guy? And also hear Malthouse moan bout his Carlton days? Again, how did that turn out?

Now on to the flag, my prediction. ITS ANYONES FLAG. Well anyone that made finals. That/s why Fred and Pete employ me for opinions like that.

Anyway sorry again for no rant last week and sorry for this rushed lame rant.

I/ll be back next week for the finals.

GO PIES.

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Round 20 v Suns

As mentioned July is our shithouse month. Aving come of our two worst performances of the season the Pies need to come out swinging against the Jobbers (wrestling term look it up) ie the Suns. If we lose today we don/t deserve to play finals. Today im doing something different, im taking my beloved ma n dad to the MCC for a pleasant Sunday arvo out. Ma is a Dons fan and had little interest in the game today, but will be nice spending an arvo with my two favorite people.

Ma and Dad arrive at my Elwood office to walk to the station. I point out a block of apartments two doors down from me, I inform em that this pad smells like weed. Dad asks me how I would know what weed smells like? I shoot back a look that says really?

Walking out of Richmond station and I see a buggy with crutches, which can only belong to Bernie One Leg, one of the most hardcore Pies men. Will try and catch him later in the arvo.

With 25 minutes to kill I think Ive earned a pint before the bounce. But what do I see. The fucking bar on level is 3 closed. ALL OF EM. Even the schooner express line. Oh I am ever so pissed. Ive been the shield games where the bar is open. One time the barman said he would buy me a beer if I didn/t leave him on his own. What the fuck am I gonna do? And I realized I left my fags at home. Oh this is gonna be a ling arvo. Ma asks if id like a coffer. With my head down I mumble yes.

I see Brickhead Jono Brown on the boundary, I feel sorry for my Bala quorum aving to put up with this stooge. Suns win the toss, I guess they gotta win something. Sunday arvo is the graveyard time for TV, so hopefully Dole Cheque will but in a four quarter performance. We see the countdown clock til the bounce. I hate that, it/s too American for me.

I let out a Ric Flair WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO which freaks out ma. Ma aint a fan of the Suns colors saying they look like workmen on the side of the road. Suns given a free as I see the Shag running. Oh I can see him run all day. Lucky me. Crisp marks, I point to Shag, dad greases me off and says Brownlow. He kicks to Brownlow, Dad is still mystified for my love of the Shag while I cant understand his contempt for his, shit kick as Suns turn over and ave a shot and nail it. Suns get a way to easy passage but only get a minor. Howe refuses to kick to the Shag for fuck sake, Cox touches the mark pathetic play from the Pies leads to another goal. Oh this is looking bad, And I repeat THE BAR IS CLOSED. Ma asks what the purple men are there for? The runners ma? Matrix handballs to a Sun Billy kicks high ball, given a free for push in the back, leads to a minor. Shag handballs to Wills but bloke right behind him but nothing happens Suns all over us like a cheap suit. Or the way im all over a fag which I wish I had right now. Three stalemates in a minute which overs two meters, ma says this is not good football. I agree. Good hit from Krebs sees ball over the line. Krebbs tackles bloke that ducks, good umpiring for not paying a free for high. Sidie handballs to Dole Cheque kicks to Brownlow 40 out ah that’s better 7-13. Suns go 50 good hit from Roughead leads to throw in. Crisp to Brownlow Dole Cheque 30 out shit kick leads to nothing. Roughead on the wing Crisp to Son of Rowdy finally we hit the front. 14-13. Straightaway Cox to Brownlow from 65 Billy 15 out and I know Fred and Pete will be dancing now. 20-13. Brownlow has been involved with all the goals so far, hes on a roll. Wills to Brownlow no mark Billy Shag Scharenberg with the lot Adams to Howe has a shot but aint gonna get near the big sticks. Cox given a free waists it leads to Suns goal. Ma asks if that big fella is from America. She asks if hes a good kick. As he has a shot I say not then. Brownlow goes 50 fins Cox. Hes taken two marks in a row! And he converts. Well its smoko, oh thats right

Quarter Times

Pies 27

Suns 20

Quarter time sees some flog pulling a lady outta the crowd and getting her to ave a shot at goal for a voucher. He asks why shes here. Ah the footy she says. Sigh I wish I was at the pub. Ma brings Pies and chips back, bless her. But while I was eating lunch I missed out on the first seven minutes. Trav and Sidie goal thats about it. Good hit from the Shag Sidie has ball on the edge of the Suns 50 finds the Hyphen leads to on the full. Sidie to Billy Dole Cheque to Trav dad says the balls too high but Trav marks. Misses up by 22. Kick in straight to the Hyphen beautiful kick they/ve gone to the review but clearly a goal onya Hyphen 54-26. We then see the Suns playing kick to kick ma doesn/t like this keepings offs style of football. Shag is benched for fuck sake. Crisp 50 out Suns pushed Dole Cheque not free. Scrappy ball in the Suns 50 Speedboy great run 60-26. Straightaway Brownlow to Billy is held but gets the ball out bang 66-26. Shit free against the Shag leads to Suns goal. We cut to a Suns fan on the fence saying I believe. Believe what, that your club is relevant?  I look a ma and dad and say I need to find the bar.

Half Time

Pies 60

Suns 32

I walk to the Ponsford Stand to see Bernie. His mate Bruce joins us as we ave a quick chat on the game. Bernie says he thought he was watching the three Stooges at times. There were moments of brilliance but a lot of pathetic play there. Any other team would ave punished us. Shag to Sier Adams Son of Rowdy finds the Hyphen in the Square 67-32. Throw in the Pies 50 the Samurai wins the tap then wins the footy what a kick 79-32. Suns go 50 but Shag stops it. Trav to the Hyphen Sidie to Speedboy to Dole Cheque in the square 85-32. Adams to Wills Hyphen back to Wills Sidie marks 30 out the fool plays on and misses sigh. Wills kicls in the 50 hyphen brilliantly keeps the ball in Sidie soccers a much better 98-32. Ma says this will be good for percentage. Fred and Pete taunt me from the Bala saying the beer is going down nice. Fred also asks me how much is a beer in the members? Sigh. Suns goal but you wouldn/t know as it/s so quiet.  Howes mark of the year contender is not paid. Theres some wanker behind me with his shoe on my chair and I slam my back to get his foot off, bangs on about a wedding and how this is a good semester while his lady companion just says yeah and that’s nice over and over. Wills has ball I wants Shag again dad Brownlow. Dole Cheque 40 out, there really must be fuck all on TV 98-38. That wanker behind me says oh that was a good goal like hes an expert. Hyphen gets another 104-38, that wanker behind me says Sidie is BOG. Stevie Wonder could see that.

Three Quarter Times

Pies 104

Suns 38

Matrix nails a goal within 30 second, what a captains goals.

Not much else happened. I broke the seel in the third quarter. Nice to not ave to run to the toilet every 30 minutes. Since im way over deadline will leave it there as really fuck all happened.

I hug ma and dad good buy as im off to Dogs for a well earned beer as two people beep their horns as me. One was complimentary.

  Well fuck we needed that. Good to finally be back on the winners list. I told dad I find Screwdriver underrated. He agrees but said thats the problem, him Sidie Crisp Matrix Brownlow and Gooster are always in form, while others come and go. Good to see Dole Cheque and Hyphen finally play at there best. And now Cox is down for the season. The Dees are no certainty so we/ll ave our work cut out.

Anyway, thanks Ma and dad for coming with me, looking forward to getting back to the office on Saturday. Im just spewing I misses GG and the CEO talk soccer.

GO PIES

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Neil Hamburger – Toff in Town 19 July

What did Larry Mullin Jr say to Bono when he saw him at the urine drinking club?

U2

Why did the nurse euthanize her patient?

Because he was a member of Dire Straights

That is just a snippet of the new material Neil Hamburger gave the loyal full house at the Toff in Town. For those unfamiliar with Americans Funny man, those two jokes will tell you whether you/ll laugh or cringe at Hamburgers act.

Ugly Dave Gravy in his book mentioned he doesn/t like joke books, as there is a massive difference between reading a joke and hearing it. Hamburger is a perfect example of this. Reading the above jokes, or hearing em second hand does not do justice to what a genius his act is. Hamburgers act is sad, lame and pathetic, and that/s what make him hilarious. A hack Vegas comedian complete with comb over and tuxedo and glasses, never has failure been so funny. To some it will be painful and depressing and Neil would be the MC at the comedy club in Hell. For those that get it you won/t stop laughing which is what I did and the crowd at the Toff did as well.

I first heard Neil when he was on Jay and the Doctor, I listened to this guy with a funny voice thinking this gut aint funny what the fuck is he on the radio for. Later I saw a Frenzal Rhomb gig with him telling jokes before the band. After a minute it gets hostile as the audience wants to see the band they paid to see. All of a sudden it clicked ah I see. Straightaway I tried to find any Hamburger material I could find. Hot February Night is the greatest comedy LP of the last 20 years. Neil opening for Tenacious D at Madison Square Garden.  A full house of 20,000 people aving to put up with R Rated dad jokes for 30 minutes before the main act comes on. After five minutes of performer audience cooperation its gets ugly with boos, jeers and insults as Neil is in an uphill battle to finish his set. When he says if you laugh at my Courtney Love Joke i/ll get off, the crowd agrees and when he gets a massive pop he says i/ll give you another 5 minutes, and at that point they want his blood. It/s the most painfully funny thing I ever heard and made me consider Gregg Turkington, the man behind the glasses, a genius. So much so when he played at the Melbourne Comedy Festival a few years ago I saw him three times. A lot of the jokes where the same but I didn/t care, each night I thought I was gonna die of laughter.

Neil calls it hate comedy, some call it anti comedy or performance art, either way it/s brilliant.

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Neil Hamburger with disgraced reviewer

I catch the end of Dr El Suavos DJ set, where he picks on a blokes whoes a banker, I think I cant remember. When Doc mentions Neil is almost ready the crowd are pumped, but it turns to hate when he mentions Dave Hughes has been a replacement. Dave aint worthy to hold Neils gin n tonic glasses. The bad Doctor also mentions Adam Richard which gets more jeers but mentions the good review he gave Neil at the Comedy Festival. Which I saw at the time, which had be scratching my head. Adam made a career giving Big Brother and celebrity gossip updates, essentially kissing whoever/s “celebrity” arse he can find for his pissweak material, something Neil would ever do. But on him for the plug.

Neil enters with three cocktail glasses in tow, and a number to open. Off the bat regular target KISS cop it New targets include Bad Company and Queen, while one of my least favourite  people Mike Love copped it, onya Neil. Possibly Neils greatest inspiration Gene Simmons gets a full ten minutes of venom, including the dirty tactics behind Genes new restaurant in a Los Angelus Airport. One heckler had the nerve to ask what Gene Simmons did to him, blocked me on Twitter came the reply. The first heckler got a full three –four minutes roast, with Neil asking after the show for this fella to put on his own gig and see how many people show up.

Classic Hamburger jokes such as at what point do Enrique Iglesias fans throw up and why didn/t Liza Minnelli put her vodka bottles in the recycling bin all get a run? Unfortunately we don/t get the birthday Joke as it was no ones birthday. One bloke said it was his birthday yesterday but he didn/t ask if it was his birthday yesterday so he got a lashing. The end result was Neil telling a joke which ended with getting Foo Fighters tickets on your birthday, something I would never wish on anyone.

I was also glad to see one of my favourites Ace Frehley wasn/t on the joke card. One of the cocktail glasses breaks, my mate Jeff and the bar staff jump to action and replace the drink. One more song and we/re done, another killer gig. Some jokes ive heard before but I didn/t laugh any less then i did the first time I heard it. This man can/t do a bad gig. Well, a gig that doesn/t ave the crowd in stiches.

After the show I buy Neils new tape, and bug him, or Gregg as hes dropped the character but still in uniform for a picture. Theres a reason I saw him three times at the comedy festival. Hes for my money one of the five best comedians of the last twenty years. A real alternative act, smart and witty and where everyone cops it, no more than the bloke with the microphone. As Neil describes its hate comedy, and he possibly has the most hate for himself. Him or Gene Simmons.

If you aint seen him live I can/t recommend his show enough, a must see.

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