Round 9 v St Kilda

The most anticipated game of the season so far for me. Along with Richmond, St Kilda is the biggest support group amongst my mates, and with the Saints getting off to a great start to then season and much better form than last year what better game than to actually go to the game. So I took Fred Sam and GG to the MCC, the first time ive been to the members in a while. What happens when a bunch of punters who would rather watch the game at a rowdy pub and used to a beer a quarter leave there natural habitat and are unleased in a precious area? Lets find out.

We meet at the Bolwo at 12, the plan was to meet at 11:30 but we realized it doesn’t open til 12 so noon it is. I run the gauntlet of people handing how to vote cards. No disrespect but i/ll make up my own mind thankyou. Sam Fred and GG are here all looking fabulous, these guys know who to dress and look smashing, with the election I decided to Dons Party it up, or as Fred said Flashes Party more like it. Brad and Bernie arrive not long afterwards. Ive been anti going to the footy with people for a long time but this are the perfect crew, I always got time for all of these people. Lauren, former POW manager back when we used to watch the Pies games at the gay bar is here, now working at the Bowlo, sweetheart she is and she gives me a go Pies. GG kindly provides food (given the frequency of how I eat I wont label the food as either breakfast or lunch). We decided to ave one more before leave. Theres always time for one more in our book. I COP A FEW TEXTS BEFORE THE GAME, Amy says Go Saints and is proudly wearing her color, Jackie wishes us a fun day and not to get kicked out ton early, Pete texts GG giving us the odds for when we get thrown out. He says if we make the whole game punters get their money back, while Pete says if I get in trouble blame it on that Matt from Dingley North. Anyway we jump on the 96 before getting the 70 to the G. We do the quiz on the 96, I got a soccer question!. Mick Harvey arrives on the tram. Did he touch on? Its such an important day I even tied my shoelaces. GG says something bout a gimp mask and I almost fall over of laughter as I tie my lace. I clam that Mick Harvey is a Pies man while Brad clams him a Sainter. Mick can you please confirm which one you are?

As we get off the tram the game has started, someone screams Bruce has first blood for the Saints. We leave Bernie and Brad as we go our separate ways. I run to buy tickets from the members window. And for fuck sake I bring the wrong membership pass with me, so we ave to go to members services window. I try and convince the lady Fred is my son so I can get him in for free. Fred demands I buy chips, I tell him one more word hes getting nothing. And if Collingwood loses so help him when we get home. Anyway we arrive 15 minutes into the game. We run straight for the bar as we see Reid goals. In the bar theres some fella walking around with a RSA shirt. God he must give a boring life, telling people they cant drink. Imagine if he went out with us. One more guys id say, hed be like no no no. Langdon to Crisp, kicks to Krebs Beams is hit massive pile on Hyphen gets it out but straight to a Saint which leads to another pile on. Ball up. GG asks if we can take our drinks out. The lady at the door says Saints fans can/t. I like her straightaway. Krebs on the 60 to Pamela saints bloke is down saints push forward but the buzzer beats em.

Quarter Time

Pies 19

Saints 9

Fred and GG leave to watch from the standing area as me and Sam finish our beers. The lady at the door is sad to see em go and complements em for their dress sense. When me and Sam leave shes even sadder. I like how we/ve brought St Kilda to the G. Saints go forward as I say NO NO NO as Sam says yes yes yes and they goal. We leave to hang out with Fred and GG. Me and Fred are on the rails while Sam and GG are a bit to the left. A kid in a Collingwood jumped runs into GG demanding he get out the way. Go on my son. Straightaway it seems Dole Cheque has left the couch and kicks a goal 25-16. Trav does a brilliant tackle and given a free for holding. 35 out bang 23-16 Brownlow goes 50 but kicks straight to a Saint Matrix to Crisp to Levi to Aish and again kicks straight to a Saint. Fred demands I buy him lollies as im playing dad now, even though Sam said shed play mum. I scream SHAG and everyone looks, I look back saying really you don/t know who that is. Brownlow is given a free for high, Fred brings up how he looks like Kryten from Red Dwarf. Crisp is done for dropping the ball, free to Saints 50 out but misses. It was a fella called Young who was is the new face in hell today. Fred mentions how the callers will be pumping up his first shot on goal and it/s a miss what a let down. Saints given a free 25 directly in front and they get it. Shit kick from Reid leaves to a throw in Saints get another point. They push forward but Howe stops the charge as Aish does a mighty punch of the ball which lands in the Saints hands again, Reid takes a mark and goes forward but Saints are everywhere. At least they aint punishing us on the scoreboard because they are everywhere else. Fred says they will talk about this quarter forever. They get another point. They kick another as GG screams crucial as people round us wonder whats that bout. The Shag was running after the guy that kicked that point. GG says the point telly is up to 8 Fred wants US to at least get one crucial point. Screwdriver has the ball, I see Shag in the distance, im screaming kick it to Shag but it falls on deaf ears. Samurai in the center to Trav Beams to Sidie outstanding 38-33. Sam says the Saints need  six more points to catch up.

Half Time

Pies 38

Saints 33

Dave Warners half time at the football plays as we try and find a suitable tree of knowledge for air. We run in to see Reid ave a shot and miss. I scream out to GG and he acknowledges me, a fella says oh I knew youd be mates, he asks if GG is a muso, so I ask him and he conforms negative so our friend can hear. Reid goes bang 15 but I forgot to write the score down sorry. I cant read the next note, I think it says Samurai kicked in the back? Did that happen? Ah I can read the next part, Beams has a shot and missed. Krebs kicks straight to a Saint and they make us pay, up by seven. Pamela kicks to Aish SHAG to a Saint. So much pissfarting round from the Pies, it leads to a shot and they fucking get it. The Pies are playing poorly and leads to another shot by the saints thankfully they miss which gives us an even game. Dole Cheque marks kicks to Brownlow, Speedboy goes boom 52-47. Straightaway to Reid on the 50, brilliant mark, hes still got it, but misses. And for fuck sake the Saints go straight up there end and goal. Dole Cheque thankfully gets off the couch and kicks another goal. Me and Fred shake our head at the lame Magpie swooping they ave on the screen after the goal. Straight up our end Hyphen nails one 70-59. I wish GG could ave scored that Hyphen me and Fred did, we nailed it, but the other MCC members loved it. Sainst go forward straightaway and ave plenty of numbers, the last four minutes is all the Saints, they manage a point but they pushed hard and they were unlucky not to get a major out of that. Anyway I cant go for a fag as it will take me too long to get out and get back. I don/t like change.

3 quarter Time

Pies 70

Saints 65

I buy Fred chips. Hey I cant let my son go hungry. Fred says we should go to our natural habitat for the last quarter. Of course he means the bar. Bernie 2 texts to say the Saints will win by a point, while Fred says the Saints will kick one more point . Shag kicks to Sidie and off to a good start 78-65.

Sam talks of a spunk with a pony tail. Im looking around to see who shes talking about, she demands to know how it is, then I realize it/s the Samurai. Aish kicks but is held so doesn/t go the distance, Sidie weaves through two Saints what a run what a goal 84-63. Hit from Dole Cheque handballs to Beams up by 21. GG asks if im calling it, I don/t look at the fellas behind me but I can tell there giving me daggers, don/t even think about it, but when I say no they laugh and are also impressed with our dress effort today. Matrix to Hyphen 50 out Centers to Pamela, fuck what a torp! What a kick, goal of the year. . It/s really hard to write notes in this bar with no table so I give up and just watch.  Fred calls it once we reach the ton.

Game Over

Pies 112

Saints 72.

After the game me and Fred lose Sam and GG, but we agree to met at the bus stop. We got the wrong bus as they get another one and we get the 246. As we wait we see a wheelchair and Pies shirt and it can only be Bernie 1 Leg, one of the best people I know. Hes over the moon as he should be, he calls Dole Cheque Mih cashed his Cheques, I like Dole Cheque better. We discuss the game as we see some pissheades on way to the royal try and start each other and random passes by. And to think these people had a say in the election today. We finally get on the bus as I must get back to the Bolwo for unfinished business. Again I run through all the leaflet people and scream GG as I run into the public bar. He knows why im here. He takes me to his locker for my holy grail, a box of 92 cigarettes. Its 92 because I took eight with me to the game. I could get down and cry, but I already did when I realized I had one more on me as I walked to the Bowlo. Im off to do the radio then home for a Dons Party for one.

Speaking of which, its time to name and shame. The Butcher told me he aint seen Dons Party. He said it was before his time. It was several decades before my time but ive still seen it. Its like when my dad shakes his head whenever I do my Blakey from on the buses my dad shakes his head like how the fuck do you know this. I wasn/t alive for World War One but I know who won that. For shame. Hey, can someone make me a silver beer glass with a chain like Graham Kenned did?

Anyway solid game, the Saints played a great three quarters, at one point they punished us everywhere but the scoreboard. I guess we just played well when it mattered like the week before. And fuck that torp from Pamela? Amazing, bring that back.But fuck we missed Moore, hope he comes back sooner rather than later. Top day, sees yous at the Bala on Friday for the Swans game.


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Round 7 v Port

After a solid month tonights match intrigues me. We/ve been alright but Port can be hot and cold, so will be interesting to see which Port side comes out.

I Arrive at Surabaya Johnnys, the usual suspects of lovely people, Elizabeth, Charlie Jo are all here. Dave demands I stay at half time as hes telling a story about Meat Loaf, or Our Loaf as he insists he be called. I duck out for a fag and Pete pops his head out to say we/re on GO GO GO to the Bala. But turns out that we/re early and we can stroll as opposed to bolt which is nice. With five minutes to the bounce we arrive at the Balaclava and I ave time for another fag. GG enters and we/re ready. We lay two tackles early on as BT says they are tackling already, good to know Brian. Roughead stops Ryder from taking a mark Speedboy to Matrix to Reid marks 45 out angle wont be an issue. Great kick but touched on the line. BT says this will be a problem if Reid plays well. Krebs goes to Reid again, Sidie scoops the ball kick is smothered, which cunt carey calls a body smoother. Isn/t that just a smoother? Anyway Pamela is there spins around 10 out and we/re off 7-0. Sidie straight to Port player, Bruce says Port needs hands on the ball. Do channel 7 feel sorry for this old fool? Is that why he has a job? Screwdriver to Samurai Pamela in the square hes going for a threepeat 13-0. GG brings up the Mick Molloy commercial of if your losing by 24 points, or is that winning? I don/t pay attention to these blood money ads. . Port goes 50 for the first time Ryder is standing right on the line but Krebs is there and he drops the ball which leads to no score. As we cut to a replay of Samurai throwing the ball. Shit kick from port held up ball leads to Port scoring a point. Richo takes time to say Port won three clearances, as if that is some kind of achievement. Pamela marks 40 out just misses. Moore marks in the center, Dole Cheque marks 15 out on the boundary. Outstanding kick 20-2. Bruce says we/re suffocating Port, thats a criminal offence Bruce. BT says no breaks on the Pies. Straightaway Matrix stops the breaks and kicks backwards. Fucking goose. Pamela is given a free 40 out hes kicked three in a quarter 26-2. Port miss, Bruce says Port need to settle down to which BT says yes. Screwdriver to Sidie Billy marks 40 out so much for settling down hey port? Bruce says Crisp pick pocketed the ball. Another crime we/ve committed according to Bruce. We get up and dance which I always love 32-2. As we see Ken Hinkley on the source with a can of Coke, but its the zero sugar one. Fucking weak as piss. We cut to someone in the crowd who know one knows who they are. Their port people we think. As Pete says the worst thing about coming from interstate is you cant do the phantom. Also where the fuck is Kochie? And more importantly the fucking Cash Cow? The Hyphen to Pamela and this could be a pantsing in the making but he misses. Richo says port need to ave a chat. Hmm maybe kick more goals? Crisp marks out in the center Bruce says Port need a goal for fuck sake. Speedboy is given a free misses from 50 Howe is given a free Billy gets the scrappy ball bang outstanding 40-3. Greenwood to Moore shit kick thought as Port intercept but kicks straight to Langdon. As Pete mentions even when they give Port the ball they still do nothing with it. Brownlow to Billy who handballs to Beams 55 out fuck what a kick as I demand to know where Kochie and the fucking cash cow is. Sam wants me to mention that last effort was teamy and that Moore had nice hair.

Quarter Time

Pies 48

Port 3

Pete thinks Hinkley is the Cashcow. I take my time with smoko and also run to the bar as the game starts but they score a goal. The barmen tells me this is what happens when you move from your spot. Reid has a thumping kick brilliant stuff but they cut to the review and its touched even though you cant tell from that fucking stoopid review. Screwdriver to Reid Dole Cheque cant hold the mark handballs to Reid he finally got one 55-9. Pamela to Speedboy drops the ball over for a throw in. Port 50 out we/re all over em. Matrix to the Gooster 30 out misses Bucks aint happy. Port get a second goal. Crisp to Krebs Gooster runs Pamela cant hold Port runs over for a point, Colin enters and Pommy Dave pops his head in. Port goal and BT is on the Port bandwagon now. The great Mike Williams sadly passed away during the week. Bruce mentions who we were winning by 41 points and Carlton grand final. Hes amused himself he starts laughing. Good things he has as none of us are or no one in the commentary box are either. Reid not payed a free for in the back. We wonder if the cashcow tossed the coin. Port goal again and BTs pulling himself red raw over this situation with port fighting back as Kochie is saying to the pilot turn the plane around.  Gooster has another shit shot which takes us to 30 point lead. As GG mentiones great player but Gooster not a good drink driver. Or a liar. Loose ball Billy to Reid tackled and leads to a throw in. Viv gets the veal but no garlic bread. Port ave a shot as Bruce says oh they need this. Fuck sake. Anyway they get another goal before the quarter. As Bruce says Port are getting closer. Onya Bruce

Half Time

Pies 60

Port 36

Hmm 24 point lead at the main break? GG mentions the 24 point cash out thing.

A bloke tells me out the front during smoko that if you gamble your gonna ave a shit life. Is he the cashcow? Other half time discussions include me seeing a famous celebrity chef at KFC the other night and whether Viv got garlic bread with her veal.  As game starts Hyphen goals up by an even five goals. Port ave a shot 30 out and miss the lot, Bruce says he missed a chance. Does he know where the bodies are buried at 7? Im still mystified why hes employed and why Peter Donegan aint on TV. Sidie does a great Shepard to give Speedboy free leverage to run wild, as Pete tells me his plan to run for office on the platform of why does the 3 tram come before the 16. Yesterday I saw two 3As come before a 16 so hes got a point. Fred tells us to focus. Beams misses as Bruce says hes not happy and hes disappointed. Moore takes a great mark as always, handballs to the Hyphen kicks to Krebs lost the ball, Pamela on the pocket kicks to Dole Cheque hes held leads to throw in. Gooster flys straight to Sidie punches to Pamela handballs to Dole Cheque kicks to Langdon 15 out but misses. BT says something bout rolling the dice, which I dont understand when its a set shot 15 meters out with a quarter and a half to go. Lingy decides hes a body language expert talking the Pies body language on the bench. Well there another topic Lingy knows nothing about on top of football.  Dole Cheque 60 from home, nice to see he got off the couch to play again, hes been on a role.  Short kick to Speedboy Gooster beats bloke theres no one in the 50 he runs 40 meters BANG 74-42.  Hyphen to Beams to Reid 30 out just misses, Brownlow to Moore, back to Brownlow goal of the year 81-42. Port bloke has a shot, BT says hes a reliable kick. Of course he misses. Screwdriver to Reid 15 out for fuck sake another miss. Dole Cheque fucks up a kick from 40 and that will do us. He must ave wanted to get on the couch to watch Friends.

3 Quarter Times

Pies 83

Port 43.

After I run in from smoko I see the Shag in the crowd I get on my hands and knees and bow down to the great man. Straightaway Pamela goals 89-43. Beams to Brownlow kick is shit but Moore keeps it in, handballs to Dole Cheque oh fuck yeah 95-43. GG Demands I call it, so I do, I write game over in the notes, buts it/s a hollow victory because I demand to see the Cashcow and expose Hinkley at said cow Scooby Doo style. I again get on my knees as we cut to the Shag again whose next to Cox, what a duo those two are, Shag as Pete says should get 10 votes for showing up Moore marks in the Port 50 Dole Cheque to Speedboy kicks to Billy and we dance again 101-61. Port mark by some bloke Sam says has pretty hair. He aint happy. The front bar is closed and im pissed. Krebs to Matrix Sidie incredible 107-67. At this point BT asks Richo what time does he like to take naps. Even then Richo still has nothing to contribute, it almost feels like he needs his wife to text in to tell us what time it is he naps. The callers start the countdown clock. With four minutes to go, yep there that pathetic and that will do


Pies 108

Port 69

No photo description available.

After the game Pete informs us that he found Troughman in the toilets. I give this little thought. Later GG gets us a car to see Kim Volkman play a killer set at the Lyrebird. I crash at 1AM but wake up at 3AM in horror at the fact I missed seeing Troughman

Solid win, brilliant first quarter. Just wish we could ave seen that dickhead Kochie in the crowd and seen him miserable. That man is in my opinion contributed nothing to society and his morning show is neither entertaining or trustworthy news wise, nothing but gutter journalism, him and that whole team are the Bruce and Richo and BT of News, nothing to say just carrying on and pissing in each others mouths thinking there doing a good job. Well actual no, he did contribute the Cashcow which im sure Travis Boak will now ave to wear for a week.

And of course condolences to the poor Collingwood players that had to deal with Roaming Brian after the game.

Anyway, good win, see yous next week for the Baggers.


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Round 5 vs Lions

Coming off two wins the Pies travel to Brisbane for a much anticipated bout. Brisbane after coming off the best worst season ever ave hit form and are in playing some good footy. On top of that the Suns are now winning games, so for the first time in ten years people in Queensland are giving a fuck about football. Another Thursday game, I don/t mind Thursday footy but don/t care for it much when the Pies play. Anyway lets go to the Balaclava for the action

I walk in the door at 6:30 and am greeted by St Kildas best bartender Mad Rad. He looks at Loki and they figure which ones gonna tell me news. HAPPY HOUR ENDS AT 6 NOW. I DON/T LIKE CHANGE. I remember back in the day when it was $6 pints all day everyday. No happy hour, that was happy days. Sigh. Im greeted by good Pies man Ash and Welsh Mick, I always ave time for em. Aving a durry on Carlisle Street I hear a mighty go lions its proud Lions man Dave wearing an old Roys jumper. Sam is already here, Fred Keith and Pete all join us. Me Sam and Fred break the seal for the $50 trivia voucher we won last night (onya Leroy). GGs coming later, he was on our team last night too (team name Hot Hunchbacks). We spend it without GG. He/ll never know he/ll never know. Sim, the biggest Lions fan I know arrives. This women picks the Lions everyweek, her faith love and dedication to her team is something to truly admire.

After deciding which room to watch we figure either the back room or the front bar. Me and Sim arrive at the front bar with two minute to the bounce as we leave the rest in the office part. Sim predicts either a blowout or a close game. I need another fag before the bounce, I run to the cage ave a nice natter with Mick run to find i can see Sim but i see we already scored a goal. As i run to the back room with a table i ask who scored? Fred blows fake sperm to indicate it was the Gooster. Dole Cheque has the ball hes 45 out he can kick it from here low ball but gets through the traffic it falls short but dribbles through for a goal. Looks like a goal anyway. 14-0. We are shown the replay looks like a goal. i/ll take it. More on that later. Lions regroup straightaway after the bounce and kick their first major making it an eight point game. Feel sad as one of the front bar regulars Scott the Scott is leaving us to go back to the motherland, amazing singing voice and also all round bloke you can trust. One of the few people that gets away calling me Matthew. Even tap in the centre Free to the Pies 30 from goal Dole cheque kicks a booming ball Matrix grabs the scraped ball can only manage a behind. Lion kick in but arrives at Crisp. Cox falls as he takes the mark as Lions jump on it. Aish good hit tackle off to the Gooster at this point we see the interchange sign. its a slight improvement from last weeks one. no advertising but as least the numbers not written in biro. Trav to Cox from the middle Billy to screwdriver marks 53 out from home. im missing the no sound as im dying to know what BT or JB will say. Probably he needs this. It/s like Fred Basset, the one time I don/t hear the commentary is probably the one time they say something insightful. Im still waiting on that and for Fred Baset to say something funny. Falls short as the lions punch over for a single. Sting is playing in the background. God give me BT and JBs high pitch screaming then this rubbish. Aish to Pamela 35 bout. No chance he/ll miss that. 22-6. Lions once again go bang straightaway and reduce it to ten points. At this point my hair is being yanking and its done by the lovely Viv who kindly gives me a hat. Lions hit the post. Finally where given a 50. Low ball to Cox and again its too short for him as Lions scope. Low kick by the Lions looks shit but it enough as the margin is back to two points. Next is crucial according to Pete as Pete brings up BT last week how they mentioned on talking footy his comments on one more goal left in this game. For those playing at home there was four more goals, so happy that flog got his right wack. . Trav to Cox, Cox is the new Buddy in the senses they just feed it to him no one else. Mark to Cox not paid Trav misses to the left to take it to three points. Cox is 55 out centring ball Lions take out Dole Cheque free to Son Of Rowdy  25 out handballs to Speedboy. Must ave gone to the POW cause he was never gonna be caught. 29-20. we need sound to hear Beams getting booed. Brownlow again to Cox hes 40 out on a right angle. Brilliant kick more of that please. 35-20. Moore marks in the middle of the ground what a revelation hes been in the backline as Sim, and Dave exit as they head to the Village Belle a place I really don/t care for. The only way you/ll see me there is if im five times over the legal driving limit. Billy marks 40 out kicks to Adams passes back to Billy as we get out our dancing shoes on 41-20. A Ha is playing via the jukeox, for fuck sake. i hate this song. Even hate that shit video everyone bangs on bout. Brownlow Kicks to Pamela five meters from the line this could get ugly. 47-20. Lions go 50 Roughead marks and that takes us to smoko.

Quarter Time

Collingwood 47

Lion 20

Fatboy Slim is playing in the den of sadness. Like hearing this song, i always thought the line was i ave to praise you like a shoe, when its really [praise you like i should. i prefer mine. run in to see the lions kick a point. but then they goal straightaway. Sam rolls some air and runs out. she runs back in asking why none of us went. The second quarter just started. Mind you i never seem to see an opening bounce due to smoking. i even missed the opening bounce on grand final day. Thats probably my only motivation to quit. Daft Punks one more time plays as it reminds me as i was tripping balls when they played at the music bowl or dancing to em while high on glue when I was 16 but thats another story. Lions kick a goal by some fella with god knows what you would call that haircut. Petes theory is that he was cutting his own hair and the electricity company cut his electricity off and now hes stuck with that. But Fred says we can/t mention shit haircuts due to Moores hair. Cox marks as i run into the lounge which is free to see of that telly has sound. No dice. . Pamela hits the post 49-26. We run to the lounge as the nice barman turns the sound up. Screwdriver to Sidie 50 out JB says never in doubt of course it was never in doubt you idiot. Lions again get another straight away as Bruce says thats as good as it gets. What a goal in the second quarter when you/re losing? Not raising the cup at the end of the season. In the front bar a fella doing open mike is doing Lonely Boy by the Black Keys. The original is a catchy dance tune, this is depressing, this lad is a lonely boy going off this song. Aish free to Brownlow to Pamela fights two lions Gooster is on the line outstanding play 55-34. Son of Rowdy to Aish 45 on an angle as Chris Isaac is on open mike, oh god kill me now. i didn/t care for the original let alone someone else doing it.  Cox cant hold on to the ball Billy runs loose but too late. Out and for some reason deliberate that Bucks is fuming over. Pamela takes outstanding mark but kick is Shit. Also with no Shag we wonder who is gonna get the Brownlow votes? Hodge is being interviewed on the boundary. Why? Days later he would slag of Damien Barrett over doing this, two shit blokes going at it which lead to Hodge calling Barrett a knob. Cant belive im saying this but onya Hodgy. i don/t ave a problem with it i doubt its compromising his game i just think it gives us nothing and theres no point to it. Screwdriver is hit and given a free. Pete says that the Lions are going the biff but it aint working. Samurai is given a free into the 50 again no mark from Cox. Shit haircut guy kicks to the Gooster. Shit kicks sees a point with 26 seconds to go Lions kick to Moore and that will do.

Halt Time

Pies 57

Lions 36

Our favourite Open Mike performer Matt arrives and we marvel over his brilliant 73 Ford. Sam Jones mentioned On the Couch is back for 2019. i think when its been back for five weeks you don/t need to say its back as its already on air. 

At this time i break the seal and see Fred writing my notes for me. hes what he said.



Matt is back now, thanks Fred, back to the broadcast.

Run to the front bar as theres no VB in the lounge, i hear Pasci saying Go Pies Go Pies. For some reason he reminds me of that Ken Bruce has gone mad bloke. Son of Rowdy goals. As the Euthymics are playing in open mike oh god please kill me. 69-37. Dole Cheque to Matrix Beams to Pamela loses the foot race for the ball. Dole Cheque to Brownlow Speed Boy to Pamela marks 40 out, passes to Cox now 25 out. No angle as we raise the hands for the big hi 5s. 76-37. at this point we are reminded of our mate Jason and how we convinced him Alistair Clackson was the coach of Melbourne, we remember him telling people that. Thats why he was Mr Football for a day. GG enters, asks why we are here. He also asks to get the drink card out from trivia last night. i sheepishly say we drank it all. i say ill buy him two beers he says you better. We also drank it last week without Sam. hey we/re pissheads, we/re weak please don/t judge. id do the same to anyone of yous out there. Shit hair cut man is given a free for a bullshit deliberate out of bounds. Lions get a goal to trail by 25. Dole Cheque goals as GG says he aint impressed with the hi 5s. he should ave seen the ones before. Bernie two legs enters as Beams to Screwdriver Dole Cheque has the ball and loses it. The Shag wouldn/t ave done that. Krebs kicks a crucial point as JB says the Pies are just starting. Dole Cheque to Billy and again we dance 95-51. i believed i missed a goal as the next thing i wrote was beams goals after Hodge moans. HA HA (in Nelson voice) 108-51 but Bucks still aint happy Trav gets the scrap ball kicks to Pamela Billy flys but cant hold Moore is in the 50 handballs to Langdon and is hit. As JB says not long to go. Yes JB 2 seconds is not much time left. 

3 quarter time

Pies 108

Lions 45  

Mr Football Waz is here. Beams to Sidie. GG asks if ive called it. i/ll wait as I ave to run to the front bar to get a VB. Aish kicks a goal, outstanding as me and Ash chink to a top night. As I walk in I call it GAME OVER. Bruce says the Pies are in control. Yes Bruce I would say ten goals is in control. He then also mentions where will the Lions sleep tonight. Well if you know nothing about football I guess you gotta say something. The Gooster goes bang 116-53. Waz informs the group of fresh air, even though the games over I decline as I wanna watch this.  Dole Cheque misses, we see a shot of the Brisbane coach on the bench, JB says he has some thinking to do. Do you ave any insight into what he needs to think about JB? Again if you got nothing to say on football might as well make something up Meanwhile Bruce says Bucks will be happy but he doesn/t look it.  JB calls Bucks the great man but Bucks still aint happy. Pamela has a shot but punched on the line. Speedboy launches a mighty kick from 50 to take the score to 123-60. Speedboy see you at the POW for a $1 pot I turn the phone on to see a cha cha cha message from Gordon. Wish you was here Gordo.


Collingwood 123

Lions 61

After the game we get to see Matt Tremolo in the front bar do another amazing set. Love his work, he is a great talent, hope he gets more recognition. After his set everyone bar me and Fred fucks off to Dogs for Continental Robert. We both get a round in, im so blind I cant recall much of the conversation. Matt at one point joins us and we take turns praising the great man to steal a phrase from JB. As soon as all the post match crap Is off they replay the game again. As Fred says its nice to watch the game without taking notes, and since I know we won was even better. After a fag in the den of sadness its time to go home. When I arrive through the door my phone says disgraceful decision. Apparently Gary Lyon was going off on the umpires for not reviewing that goal Dole Cheque kicked in the first quarter. Disgrace might be a strong word Gaz. I would use disgrace for, I dunno, aving sex with your best mates wife. I would call that a disgrace but then again im an old fashioned lad. I never understood the hype round him, hes boring as fuck says the basics that anyone who is watching the game knows and he just comes off as an all round unlikeable fella. Gaz it was a goal and fuck you and your disgraceful cheating arse.

Top win, best performance of the season so far, after the Dogs game where I couldnt name a good four quarter player I can at least name a few that played a great four quarter performance. Next up is ANZAC Day and what do ya know the bombers ave come into form. Always a ripping game but this could be the best ANZAC Day clash  in some years.

Thanks for reading see ya Thursday at the Bowlo.


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Round 2 v Richmond



Now. Last weeks game didn/t go to the script I had written for round one. The skill level was pretty poor and we had every chance to win the game, but too much piss farting around lead to a loss to start the year off. So hopefully they/ve pulled their finger out this week.


But before that a few things. I see James Hird has gotten a cushy job at the Hun. Essendons favorite son set the club back five years, got a the team suspended for a year, missed out on a finals campaign and fucked up some young mens life. He also ruined the good name of the Weapon, whatever his name was. And he never once admitted any fault, still banged on his is closing speech how great and wonderful he is. As mentioned a bunch of blokes lives ave been turned upside down and hes now got an easy gig on big money. He smells of arrogance as much as a smell of cheap cigarettes. He can piss up a rope as far as im concerned. And Eddie. Oh god what mess ave you got yourself into now. Im on the Swans side, throw the book at him. Hes said stoopid thing after stoopid thing and seems to just coast through unpunished. I was so disappointed when he labeled the Adam Goodes/King Kong episode as a storm in a teacup. Maybe for you but certainly not for Goodes, one of the few people in the game that deserved the title of role model. I don/t know what punishment would be suitable, but something needs to be done. To think he once was a hero of mine.


I don/t know about this Thursday night footy but i/ll give it ago. How bad can change be? I arrive at the balaclava to find St Kildas best barmen Mad Rad behind the bar and Keith, Sam and Fred at the card table. Some bloke enters who joined the table. He looks familiar. Maybe I know him from Dingley, or someones lounge room or toilet. Anyway he cool and good to ave him join us. I go out for a fag  and I see a women I think is Flang, when I scream he name no response, I turn to the bloke next to me and tell him he aint her. This fellas name is also Matt. I look after the Matts. He shakes my hand on aving the same name, but when I mention im a Collingwood fan he says well thats how where different Matt. Turns out Matt is an agnostic football fan, he just loves the game. Unfortunately when I ask if Matts a local he says hes homeless. After a quick chat Matt is off. Matt best of luck and please visit me at the Balaclava sometime. That bloke that joins us I never ever met before mentions Pies are favorites for the game, not sure how that works considering we lost and they won last week.

Since its open mike night as well as the pool comp we/re pushed into to bistro/lounge area. Theres a nice lady, Christine holding court in the nice chairs and is the Richmond fan for this article. Before the bounce Fred mentions his new pop band and talks how he wants to do a song mentioning all this Fall lingo. I know Fred can recreate the Mark E Smith voice so I ave total faith it will be a ripper.

Its standing room only and no sound but we/ve got the place to ourselves so I aint complaining. Levi will be tagging Dusty. Levi was the one inclusion replacing Son of Rowdy so interesting to see how he goes. That bloke (I think I know him from the old Mentone Hotel) makes the comment if Collingwood get ahead the commentators will say gee Richmond are missing Rance. Id like to think they aint that obvious but with the genius that is BT and JB doing the calling it/s a gimme. Game on. Krebbs held and given a free to start good touch to the Shag, butches it, Richmond enter there 50 with little resistance, thankfully they miss an easy chance to get a major. Cox marks in the middle of the ground, Dole Cheque to Sidie to Billy marks 35 out can only manage a minor, even game at one all. Mr Brightside Riewoldt is 50 out its within his range but the idiot passes and they miss hahahahaha. Beams gets a tap, gee im wondering what great piece of commentary JB would ave to say bout that. That bloke walks in with a $12 jug for us. I don/t know him but I immediately call him mate which I will refer to him for the rest of the article. Crisp thumped the pill Shag is there kicks to Roughead punch from behind see the ball go out of the pies 50 the tigers pounce but Moore is there and has an answer, good Mark 30 out from the Tigers goal. We cut to his dad Peter Moore in the stands. Geez he looks like Mark Latham. Thats obviously not a good thing. Matrix to Sidie Beams handball to Levi back to Beams Sidie to Billy. 50 out kicks half way to Cox 25 out in front. What a beautiful kick he has. We/re off. 7-2. Beams is given a free, Billy soccers, we dance to celebrate but we blew our load too soon, nothing comes from it. A shit free given against Cox, the Umps are heightest against Cox. Mr Brightside Riewoldt is pinned and we get the free. He crys of course like he always does. Glory Days by Springsteen is playing in the pub. I love the Boss but this was a lame autopilot track from him.  Dole Cheque is 15 out, we scream Everybody Loves Raymond and King of Queens to cheer him on.  We lose the ball, as our kind host Linda has arranged a table for us closer to the door. With sound. The very kind bouncer also helps us, Christen also joins us. The bouncer screams go pies. He mentions hes not a pies fan but hates the tigers. Good man. Dole Cheque has the ball as Fred says everytime he sees him he thinks of the My Favorite Martian theme. Tigers goal to make it even. I down my sorrows with the lashes my great mate I met tonight brought us. Shag handballs to the Screwdriver, dropped the ball, good hit from Trav, Aish goes 50 Tigers are waiting but cant hold for the mark. Roughead to the Shag, Moore is taken down and given a free. Good call Razor. Trav holds the ball to slow things down Pamela is there looking for the screwdriver but hes too far out and ends up kicking it on the full. Fred takes time to apologies for bad language, such as if they kick more goals we/ll win. Screwdriver to Speedboy outstanding 14-8. We hear special comments from Alley Homles. I like her. Meaning she wont last. My eyes light up when I hear the name Butler, I get up and scream in my best Blakey voice ILL GET YOU BUTTLER. Pies get the ball outta the tigers 50 Crisp loses it but Tigers are pinged straightaway we/re off, Screwdriver marks 30 out amazing goal 20-8. Tigers mark JB says its a good mark, even though it wasn/t paid. Krebs has the ball, is grabbed but get it out to Moore and holds off a goal but kicks straight top Dusty, as I scream fuck off Razor as a shit free is given against Langdon, Lynch gets an easy undeserving goal. Three inside 50s to the Pies within the last 50 leads to nothing as its smoko time.


Quarter Times

Collingwood 20

Richmond 14


I go to the den of sadness with a lady on one table and two ladys on another. The lady to my left goes to the other two on the right and asks em for a light. I pull mine out and she says your not a lady. And I say im neither a gentlemen. We laugh as I take my time and miss the first minute. Screwdriver is held and thrown out of bounds. Tigers are off Levi and Dusty are chasing each other, and its not even on Victoria Street. Dusty gets the ball and Levi runs him over as well. Levis done an outstanding job on Dusty so far. Dole Cheque taps to Billy but awful kick see the tigers in possession, Tigers to 50, Howe is pushing, grabs the bloke before the kick but the has little impact as its a good kick. Tigers score and all is equal again. Riewoldt is injured, didn/t look good but he stays on. The replay didn/t look good for his wrist. Tigers enter to 50 but Howe takes a ripper to resume normal service, Brownlow to Sidie thumping kick but he can only manage a crucial point. Cox to Aish handball to Dole Cheque but drops, the ball slips thought the Tigers as well, Brownlow back to Dole Cheque KING OF QUEENS 27-20. Tigers miss straightaway Trav again to Dole, hes on fire, he must really want to go home to watch the Office. Hope his housemate did the shopping. Linda says early days, thats why she gets the big bucks. Solid mark by Crisp on the wing, Billy kicks out on the full. Waz enters as Samurai to Brownlow to Krebs, Gooster is off 33-21. Mr Brightside kicks to Howe, Howe is called the mark specialist by JB. I would ave thought just marking the ball makes you a specialist, meaning 90% of the players are mark specialists. Pies chip in the tigers 50 as Shag controls it on the wing, kicks backwards to Beams punched by Lynch, Moore spoils Rioli to Aish Langdon he has no one to work with. Shag to Matrix to the Gooster drops picks up to Pamela Brownlow is running and cant be touched 45-21. Langdon paid mark over Dole Cheque as they both hold the ball after both went for the mark. Aint seen that before, as mate pointed out shouldn/t it be touched? Tigers come up and scoop Lynch too good Pies up by three goals. Christine is screaming go Tigers. Tiger go straight up the 50 again and Lynch once again goals. Fuck that wasn/t in the script. Unlike Dangerfield he does seem to be worth the money. We see Bucks with his scary Chopper Read mo, hed be scary to meet at half time avaing given away two quick goals before half time. Maybe he/ll take Howe and shoot him in the face in front of the old Bojangles for costing us that last one. But for fuck sake a free against sidie sees a third before the break. Three goals in three minutes, its anyones game. See even I can use expert commentary lingo. If only I got Richos wage.


Half Time

Collingwood 45

Richmond 39

great seven inch this.

Christine bids us good night as its time for another fag. The experts G Lyon comes up with its still a long way to go. Jonathan Brown is asked a question and you can tell his brain is going into overdrive trying to put all the words together. Sam enters with dice ad matchbox cars, I roll 2 sevens in a row as I take em home as I prepare to practice for the world series of dice. That has to be a sport, surely someone saw the Chappelle Show sketch and made a sport of it. As Matrix runs through passes to  the Shag, and did I just see that? HE GOALS. 51-39. Tigers go 50, JB says the ball is a good looking ball. Is there a good looking ball? Or an ugly ball. Beams tackles a tiger and is given a free for holding hahahahaha. Shag marks Screwdriver to Beams to Dole Cheque, nice to see he got off the couch to play. Billy losses the contest, throw in. high kick to the Shag Beams kicks to the Tigers, triggers kick but Dole Cheque beats em. Billy off to Sidie to the Gooster 45 out never in doubt 57-39. Gooster dragged, Ill never understand that, you kick  a goal, your hot, lets get you off. Modern football is rubbish like that, sidie falls to Matrix Beams to Pamela ball going towards the goals square but tigers scoop to prevent a crucial point. Good pressure from the Tigers slowing things down getting to the 50, Moore prevents an attack, Howe marks on the wing, straight to tigers. Sidie goes in the 50 as hes held and we reach a stalemate. Samurai good hit as its again umpires ball. Brownlow free as tiger fans are getting feral. I love it. Yes scream, all you want, your still losing. Unfortunately its on the full. Levi again hold Dusty, tigers go 50 and Dusty finally beats Levi. Fortunately he missed a 30 meter goal. Shit free sees Lynch with the ball. I cant read my own notes for a page, but I can read the part where it says Pamela to Dole Cheque goal 63-46. I run to the bar to get a jug as I see the tigers score in the pokies room telly. $13 JUGS. I love this pub. Shag to the screwdriver to Brownlow runs it over the tigers 50. Howe stops the ball going over the line as Jack falls over, Cox marks on the logo Samurai takes a great one handed mark kicks to the Gooster hes off plays on outstanding kick 69-52. We go 50 straight away as Pamela passes to Cox but misses. But crucial goal as it makes it an even three goals. Stoopid handball to the ground sees the Tigers take the ball but Moore takes care of em. Off to Aish Cox out in front but all the Tigers are there on him to prevent anything happening. Matrix given a free before the siren captain courageous goals as if there was ever any question over that as that takes me to smoko


Three quarter time

Collingwood 76

Richmond 58.


Tigers are complaining to Razor. Yes keep moaning until you cry you sooks.

Jo texts saying GO PIES.  The break involves discussions on dim sims (Marathon we agree is a great dimmie) and Waz mentions something bout McDonalds changing the meat to vegan and no one noticing the difference. People are that stoopid I can see that happening. Waz gets into Mr Football mode by saying the Pies ave done good but hopefully they wont run out of legs like they did in the grand final. He had to bring that up! Tigers go 50, Lynch handballs to Edwards explodes and goals. BT says they needed that. Butler is pinned, and I scream “THATS MADE MY DAY BUTLER”  Dole Cheque is 65 out he finds the Gooster 35 from home plays on kicks to Cox, hits the woodwork.  Brownlow sidesteps two blokes kicks to the Gooster Screwdriver to Crisp, beats two tigers, Pamela to Beams. JB says this is a big boy clash. Then says nothing. How much does he earn? Richmond bloke tackled by Brownlow, given free for holding, Samurai to Levi Matrix back to Pamela some bloke is chasing him. Almost gets him but too late. 90-66 (sorry I missed a goal). Tigers push, manage to get within 25 meters but cant get any further, Dole Cheque is given a free he find Matrix kicks to Billy, kicks to Pamela, handballs back to Billy, hes off no way there gonna catch him. No doubt about it HES BACK. 97-66. JB feels the need to show off his maths skills by saying gee its gonna be hard to come back from here. At some point Lynch thought he took a mark and the flog goes back to line up and is pinned. Best play of the game. Beams gets the ball after Levi takes care of Dusty. Hes been outstanding kept Dusty to nothing. . Langdon has also been good as he does a good in and out sidestep to kick to Billy high kick to Dole Cheque to Cox but  he cant hold, Dole Cheque to Samurai handballs to Billy to the Shag kicks to Pamela, plays on, too easy. 103-66. Straightaway the Matrix to the Gooster. That took 20 seconds. He on fire the Gooster. So much ive run out of pretend sperm. 109-66.

And what do you know ive; lost my last page of notes. Oh well.



Collingwood 116

Richmond 66


After the game Dole Cheque being interviewed so rude as he needs to get home to watch the comedy hour on ABC 2 or whatever they call it.

Fiona sends me a nice message saying well played. Meanwhile an old school friend the Chief feels the need to moan and cry re the umpires. Chief when you lose by more than eight goals I think you can drop the umpires excuse. Also which decisions where wrong? I think the umps got it right expect all the ones that went against us. I like how the only time the Chief seems to get in touch is when the Pies play Richmond, and hes either moaning over a loss or insults me before the game. Before the prelim he called me a window licker, whatever that means. Chief if your gonna insult me call me a cunt or some proper real insult not something a four year old would say. I like how didn/t message me in my birthday but felt the need to moan after a loss. Anyway you/re alright Chief, by me a beer soon.

After a poor start the Pies played a decent game with a outstanding fourth quarter. A lot of blokes that were slack last week lifted, Brownlow, Dole Cheque, Cox and the Gooster were outstanding, while Levi was brilliant tagging Dusty outta the game. Next week the Eagles, lets see if we/ve learned from last year.

As Dutch Mantell would say (as he stole from Chevy Chase) Im Matt Ryan, and you/re not see yous next week



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Johnny Moped Interview

Captain Sensible described Johnny Moped as being tailor made for punk rock. If the good captain says so you better listen. The Captain should know as he played in the Johnny Moped band alongside Chrissy Hynde, Shane MacGowan described the band as better than the Clash and the Pistols. Johnny Moped recorded the LP Cycledelic in 1978 and for me is one of the five best punk LPs of all time. Johnnys fourth full length LP Lurrigate Your Mind is out soon through Damaged Goods Records. Ian from DG was kind enough to hook me through to the great man while on tour

Munster: As I write this you’re on tour in Germany and you’ve got some more shows coming up later in the year, how has the tour gone so far?

Johnny: Tour is going great, the audiences have been mental. Playing in Helgoland (a sand dune in the middle of the north sea) was interesting, I think the baby seals liked us.

Munster: You don’t hit the road much so how is it touring after all this time?

Johnny: Its an adventure, something I enjoy, I like to give it all I’ve got.

 Munster: Your new LP Lurrigate Your Mind is out this month, what process went into making the record?

Johnny: The lads laid down all the backing tracks, then I did all the vocals. Some of the songs hadn’t been rehearsed so I hadn’t even heard them before I sang on them.’ You Kill me’ lyrics were basically written in the studio just before I had to sing on it.

Munster:  Who are the members of the Johnny Moped band today? J

Johnny: Johnny Moped. Slimy Toad. Jacko Pistorius since 1983. RocknRoll Robot since 1991. Marty Love since 2017.

Munster: Your last LP It’s a Real Cool Baby was released in 2016, but your last LP before that was in the early 90s, and your debut LP was in the late 70s, you’ve had hutias and breaks in between but how do you go when it comes to writing and recording an LP? Is it something you can do in a short period and comes naturally or does it take time and patience?

Johnny: A combination. Some of the songs had been kicking about for some time, where as some of them were brand new. Catatonic was an old riff Robot wrote when he was 16 in his first Punk band at school, Me and Jacko wrote the lyrics. Yeah, once you start getting songs together they seem to come naturally.

Munster: I read an interview where you were asked what it was like growing up in Croydon in the 70s and you said you didn’t get caught up in the hippy/flower power stuff too much, so what was it about punk that you embraced?

Johnny: Like Captain Sensible said in the film, we were perfect for what was coming (Punk rock). Our first gig was supporting The Damned 2nd Jan 1977 at the Hope & Anchor in Islington London. Captain played guitar for us and The Damned as Toad hadn’t joined the band yet.

Munster:  What was the feeling like recording Cycledelic in the 70s, this was round the height of punk and the birth of indie music but recording back in those days was more expensive so what was it like recording as an indie artist back then?

Johnny: Fairly straight forward, I had to be kidnapped to get to the studio, Roger Armstrong done a good job although Dave wasn’t too happy with the drum sound, sounded like he was playing through cotton wool.

Munster: What was Chiswick records like to work with at the time, and how did you become associated with Damaged Goods in recent years?

Johnny: Chiswick were great especially Roger Armstrong, he had the patience of a saint. Damaged Goods put out The Bootleg tapes and suggested doing a single. We did the single and had a good time getting it together, so we carried on writing new songs for Real Cool Baby. The band had to wait 6 months for me to get a new set of knashers coz I sounded like Harold Steptoe.

Munster: Back in 2013 a documentary Basically Johnny Moped was released, where you happy with the doco and how you were portrayed?

Johnny: Yeah I was happy with it, Fred did a Stirling job piecing all the archive stuff together.

Munster: The director of the doco Fred Burns said “He was written out of history despite having had my dad and Chrissie Hynde in his band”, do you agree with that statement?

Johnny: I do agree with that.

Image result for johnny moped interview

Munster: When did you first meet Captain Sensible and how did you feel having him in the band even during his run with the Damned, and how does it feel being labelled a genius by the good captain ?

Johnny: I’m flattered. I met him in Apsley Rd, South Norwood outside a friend’s house we were teenagers. He gave me his address and I went round there for a jam, Dave’s mum bought him a drum kit which he couldn’t play yet.

Munster:. In a review for Basically Johnny Moped, the reviewer mentioned 30 years ago Shane MacGowan told him Johnny Moped where better than the Clash and the Pistols. Do you agreed with that?

Johnny: Yes of course definitely, we are for real.

Munster: What does the rest of the year hold? Any chances of coming to Australia?

Johnny: We are basically promoting the new album which kicks off at the 100club London June 8th. Yes we’d love to come out to Australia, if you know anyone who wants to put us on and pay our fair, let us know.

Munster: Standard final question, what’s your favourite LP by the Fall?

Johnny: ‘The Best of’

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Round 6 v Essendon

Now. Both the Pies and the Bombers are coming off two wins on the trot so this will a cracking ANZAC Day clash. I remember I was six back in 1995 for the first ever ANZAC game between the pies and Dons. Me dad for some reason only he knows decided to take us to the pool instead of watching the game. What the fuck dad? I just remember driving home and dad n I listening to the last few minutes of the call. I just remember my dad constantly punching the radio as the bombers kept coming and coming, and then it was a draw, as a six year old I was like really, no winner or loser? This sucks. There was no woohoo from my dad that time.

Anyway I walk down past the POW, which is now will closed. I See Theresa and Sim we walk down to the Bowlo. It makes me sad the POW is closing as we used to watch the games at the Gay Bar, however this place has changed and cuntface drinks here so the place has been dead to me for a while, but still another one bites the dust. I hope it reopens the same but I cant see it happening. MyDingley correspondent Tim informs Billy is out for the Hyphen. The hyphen is my boy but a shame Billy is out, the kid cant catch a break. Walking down I bump into Eddie Miller and Paris who are going to Freddie Wimples to watch. Paris informs go bombers. I return serve with go pies

Arrive At the bowlo GG along with Nattio Chairman Frank Chrisi and Kim are all here, gee it’s a bot dead I think.

Matrix wins the toss. As I see the huddle I think what the fuck is that haircut Krebs is wearing today. I join Casey at a table and we/re off as I scream go pies as all this dust enters the room as I clap. Was that me? Screwdriver to Trav Dole cheque kicks to the 50 Cox cant mark Sidie to Pamela, is held, Son of Rowdy tries Cox again, once again he cant hold, throw in. Theres no sound. Fuck I need BTs “insight” Moore again tries Cox but he still cant told the ball for fuck sake. Its only three minutes in and the ball has been in the 50 the whole time but the bombers ave an answer for everything. Bombers get there first 50 but Matrix all alone stops any momentum. Aish to Dole Cheque as the landlord Jason gives us sound. Onya Jase as Sidie kicks a point. The first comment is Richo who says thats what Collingwood do best. Kick a point? Cause thats what I saw. Chrisi is playing the heel screaming Go Bombers. She doesn/t even go for them. Shes a Geelong fan. However watching a pies game she was drooling over Trav saying how handsome he is, unware hes a premiership player for the club she “supports”. Jo enters at this point. Cox in the center straight to the Bomber there off but Langdon marks in the square a bad bounce messes him up but its out of bounds. Throw in straight to Moore hes in range it comes back but not enough as he gets a minor. Trav marks the bombers kick from the kick in. shit kick but Dole Cheque marks 10 out he knows Everybody Loves Raymond is on and he needs to run to the bench to watch so of course he was never gonna miss 8-0. Bombers mark in the square but Sidie intercepts the kick off to son of Rowdy 45 out but just misses 9-0. Bernie two legs messages me to say hes at the game. Also tells me to get fucked. Always good to hear from two legs. Of course his nemesis Bernie One Leg will be there cheering the pies on. Rusty Tristian and Nick enter. I call it saying its anyones game. Stringer goals for the Dons 9-6. BT says he does like the big stage. Sigh that didn/t take long to get that chestnut out. Sidie to the Samurai but loses it, Brownlow get the sloppy seconds hes held somehow gets it out to Pamela 25 out but is pinned Gooster scoops but the kick leads to sweet fuck all. Beams to the Gooster and thats better as I ave to teach Casey and JO the cha cha chas. 15-6. Deb and Jarlia enter. Sidie cops a good hit from the bombers but a desperate tackle from Moore leads to the ball spilling loose. Krebs hold tight and dodges two players passes to Matrix but is pinned lucky not to ave been done for dropping Pamela to Screwdriver to Adams he cant get straight but no need. 21-6. Nick takes time to point out it was a checkside not a banana. Wonderful kick from Adams. Gooster is hit and free from 50. Ah thats a bad miss 22-6. Cox to son of Rowdy Gooster punches to the Hyphen outstanding HES BACK 28-6. GG mentions how BT says he asked Bucks what they wanted to do and Bucks said they wanted to kick goals. Did John Warsfold say they want to win for fuck sake? Speedboy is held. The POW closes in a few days he needs to see Watts again for some cheap speed while its there. Adams gets a kick, my notes says Bombers, and then it says that will do. I really must ave needed a durry.

Quarter Time

Pies 29

Dons 6

Ah, we must ave scored a point. Sorry for not mentioning that before. At smoko Rocky says good start, I agree but I expect the dons to come out swinging.  As me and Nick discuss the first quarter he says we should ave it while I think a different Bombers side is gonna come out. Love Mr. Haines very much I can talk to him for hours. As a run to the bar a bloke for the bomber scores. Someone says he looks like Malfoy while Jo says he looks like Andy Warhol. Matrix punches to Beams Pamela hits the post as Theresa says that would ave been goal of the year. Matrix to Krebs to Pamela but hes too slow and run down. Son of Rowdy to Beams Matrix and finally Cox marks. 40 out bang 36-13. Dons bloke on his knees trys and marks but cant hold Adams jumps free to Brownlow kicks to Beams. Samurai kicks to Crisp to Pamela is on the line thrown in. Howe marks 70 out straight to a dons fella. Krebs to Sidie. Bruce says he rarely wastes it and of course he does. Thankfully Adams was there handballs to Pamela to the Gooster to Speedboy 25 out another checkside brilliant kick 42-13. So much dust comes out as I clap. It is me? Cox is given a free in the Dons 50 Moore to Trav Matrix Pamela on the Wing to Dole Cheque centers to Beams amazing 48-13. As we hi 5 Rusty says a slaps more appropriate. Lomas texts rusty saying ummmm. Thats probably the only text from that exchange I can print.  Dog act from the Dons captain as Krebs is whacked in the face. Chrisi again screams go Bombers as JVG, a Bombers man askes her to keep it down. Speedboy is held again no free.  Good kick from the bombers as they goal, Pies by 21. Free to Moore to Crisp and FUCK Hyphen takes mark of the year. Incredible goal. Did I mention hes back? Samurai to Trav Song of Rowdy is hit by the Bombers, Smoking Joe is standing all by himself for fuck sake. 55 out another beautiful kick. Fuck that wasn/t in the script

Half time

Pies 48

Dons 31

Chrisi again gets in my face saying we/re shit. Just keep poking the bear. JVG asks what the notes are about. After discussing the game and upcoming Crows Saints game with Nick Casey runs out saying games back on. Hyphen tries another mark of the year but no good this time, but almost got it. Samurai to Son of Rowdy to Sidie buts pinned, free to Andy Warhol but Howe intercepts the kick. Son of Rowdy to Krebs Travs loses the ball free to Dons for dropping. Too easy as again fucking Smoking Joe is standing with no one near him. Pies now by 9. Bombers again go 50 but Langdon marks in the line to save it being a one kick game. Pamela to Cox is held and given a free 35 out. Terrible kick and back to 10. Free to Speedboy Beams marks also 35 out but for fuck sake he missed the lot. Two shit kicks within 30 seconds. Howe passes to the Gooster and again misses everything. The fake sperm stays put. Thankfully Sidie was there and beautiful snap sees it through after three awful attempts. 55-39. Nick says Pies need more goals. Roughead marks on the Dons line thank fuck Matrix wins a 3 on 3 contest on the 50 Dons do a series of soccers throw in 30 from Dons home.  Adams taps but didn/t look Langdon picks it up kicks to Greenwood. Nick says BT just informed Greenwoods kick needs to be good. How comes hes there and im not? Stringer marks Greenwoods kick but thankfully misses. A bombers player, i forgot to write which one, anyway for some reason Bruce says his name four times when he does nothing. Howes kick is straight to a Don they make us pay, now eight points, no wonder I drink. Speed Boy takes a great mark kicks to Pamela 50 out. Thumping kick but unfortunately was touched. But straightaway Pamela again to Greenwood back to Pamela he does a fucking dribble kick but he nails it as Nick says we needed that. 62-48. I run to the bar as Brownlow misses Pamela is held Hooker is 15 out Matrix kicks to Bomber, and fuck they get one just before the last break. Nick says footy is the winner. And my lungs are the loser as I need a fag

3 quarter   time

Pies 63

Dons 54.

Chrisi keeps poking the bear and ive had enough as I blow bubbles to her. She gives me a look of like the fuck, but as I said don/t poke the bear. We/re all good we could never be angry at each other. Nick mentions Hayden Button Sr as the greatest of all time and a fella who overhears says WAFL was not as good as VFL. While Nicks from the South not West I know hes not gonna let that slide. Im loving this debate but need to watch the end. Speedboy misses as I walk in. I tell GG to get our contact at the POW an Uber so he can deliver Speedboy his fix. We cut to Bucks who aint happy. He probably wants a $1 pot as well. Theresa tells her lovely mate (sorry forgot her name) about this Munster zine I do and says very nice things bout it. She does mention yhe poor gramherdddddddddddddddddddddd but she still says its great and that makes my heart all warm in side, something that dead organ is not used to hearing. Onya T. Re the back grammar I say It is what it is, which leads to GG Showing his tattoo, saying It is what it is, Theresa shows hers, a Richmond premiership tattoo while I show mine, saying Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment. Howe punches the ball over for a throw, Son of Rowdy kicks to Pamela Adams Screwdriver to Crisp plays on Cox is running but Crisp kicks to the boundary. Samurai intercepts a forward attack. Moore is held 20 out from the Bombers goal as BT say this is exactly where the Bombers want it. My notes simply say FUCK BOMBERS DOWN 3. I guess they scored im trying to forget these parts. Moore marks over his head takes on two Dons Screwdriver to the Hyphen Gooster outstanding  72-63. But fuck Smoking Joe again is standing by himself and the Bomber are back to three. Im ropable Bucks is livid. Did Speedboy get his gear? No wonder I smoke. Matrix Is given a free they calm he ducked but he didn/t I I yell fuck off when calls of Selwood is cried. Hes nothing like that cheat.  Anyway leads to nothing but a thrown in. Pamela has the ball runs a few meters and we got another throw in 60 out from home Bombers take a mark from Matrix kicks to Brownlow who kicks on the full. The Pies spend two minutes up forward with nothing happening with BT saying where looking dangerous despite not scoring, fucking idiot. Adams to Son of Rowdy as we see a big Red Card on the interchange, as we all look at each other like what the fuck does that mean. Sidie has the ball plays on Pamela is pinned Son of Rowdy has it, hit from behind. FREE KICK. GAME OVER. Dons fans are livid, yes it was technically in the back but they could ave let it go, but that was rough on Pamela so a free kick was there. I praise son of Rowdy like the Sheik did before his matches (thats the orginal Sheik not the Iron Shiek). Ive just made an obscure wrestling reference so I better end this buy saying he missed and that was that

Image result for nathan buckley scott pendlebury

Game over

Pies 73

Dons 69

After the game me and Nick chat and go through all the 101s of AFL post game lingo. Im happy with the result and taking it one game at a time,  all that stuff. Me and Rusty also discuss the game. He said we were the best team on the day while I think it was a case of one team was lucky and the other unlucky. I missed boogate. Its no big deal, they would ave booed Billy Childish if he was there. Poor sportsmanship? Of course but you get dickheads in all teams and there would ave been Pies fans that would ave booed whoever at Essendon had one a medal. Its nothing to get worked up or upset over. We bolt to the Bala for the one with Fred before another season at the Lyrebird.

Top day with so many wonderful people. Thanks to Rusty and Tristian for putting it on. Hard win but to coin another 101 we got the four points that’s all that matters. My boy the Hyphen is back and has taken mark of the year. Langdon for me was ANZAC Medal winner for me as he stepped up when it mattered and saved at least two or three goals when it was crucial. Third on the ladder, very happy with that. Port this Friday, will be a belter, see yous at the Bala.


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Round 4 vs Footscray

Happy Birthday Amy, Bernie Pete

After an ordinary performance last week, and aving lost two games we could ave easily won, the Pies need to ave more that round 2 performance this week. When we/re at our best I believe no one can beat us, we can run any team off the field. The Doggies seem to finally ave gotten the mucus off their brain and the premiership hangover is over. And with the Suns winning games now it seems no one is a guarantee win anymore.  Im always excited for a Pies game but tonight im more excited than possibly ive ever been before. My boy the Shag reaches his 200th game tonight. Ive always been a massive fan of his. I never ever in these rants on in my zine Munster slandered him, I never said anything like why the fuck are we paying him so much money, or which idiot decided to recruit him, or said his haircut is shit, no ive always, er,  loved him aaaaaarrrrr.  And and we/re back home this week. I don/t mean the G im talking the Balaclava.

For tonights game Trav has been included at the expense of Greenwood, and Son of Rowdy is a last minute call up for Beams. I arrive at Surabaya Johnnys to see Fred and Dave. Always the best Friday knock off gig. I walk in just in time to hear them do the Jimmy Buffet classic Why don/t we get drunk and screw. The CEO Pete is here, we/re getting closer to the bounce, I advised Gordon we would be at the looking at the phone, as Fred and Dave launch into Dads Army we/re 15 minutes from the start and it/s a ten minute walk. After She took a lot of pills and died, Fred launched into his beautiful spoken word piece Bolt to the Bala, and we need to bolt as its five minutes to showtime. Me and Pete bolt but after a few meters I see Fred putting some music on, fuck we need to run, I wanna see the Shag banner. We bolt for it, Fred mentions an art installation in one of the trees near town hall. We find it and marvel at it. It’s a big brick the size of a bank safe in a tree. I can imagine someone we know walking under it and failing down on em, a la Warren Brothers cartoon style. Im in deep thought on how many goals the Shag will kick tonight and he/ll play so well Brownlow betting will be suspended. Fred say they/ll ave to rename it the Shaglow. Stand there for a minute before fuck its started and I miss the Shag banner. Fuck, feels like a waste of a night.

We arrive five minutes in with the scores at zero apiece.  Gordon and GG (who is here) are there, with a well arranged table for us. Onya lads. Fred kindly gets the first round in. Sidie taps to Pamela Cox takes on two comes out on top, handballs to Matrix, the Gooster is held, free, Matrix cant hold the mark. Gordon kicks off the special comments saying things are getting heated. Dole Cheque kicks to the Gooster but a bloke is all over him, given a free 15 out. No way hes gonna miss that. 6-0. Fake sperm is unleased. Roughead to the Screwdriver Pamela is free Dole passes to Brownlow 50 out, Speedboy chips to Crisp handballs to the Gooster again, brilliant passage of play. Trav taps the pill but the bounce is bad Sidie is hit and its umps ball. Trav wins the tap but a shit kick sees Mullet Man of the Dogs with the ball. He misses as Freds heart bleeds tears for that. GG asks if its crucial point? We/ll see. Richo says the Pies need to go long. Seriously you got Leigh Matthews possibly the greatest player and coach of our times and this clown. We need to discuss the backwardness of commentators in this country. JB says the Dogs need a goal. Adams taps to the Samurai has a shoot, couldn/t find the middle. I call Grundy the Samurai but the rest call him the barista,  GG says thats a flat white. Shit kicks sees the Pies with the ball, Dole Cheque to Cox off to the Gooster misses, as BT tells us this is a slow start. The ball is in the center of the ground, to which JB says is a dangerous part of the ground. As opposed to the goal square? Pamela takes on the Dogs, comes out with the ball, Sidie has it now, JB says he never drops the ball. He does this time. Fuck you Brawshaw. . Samurai is dragged and given a free. BT calls this a funny game. How is it funny? Like all those ole 40s films where they called guys funny, but they weren/t funny in a haha way, or are they Bill Hicks funny or Big Bang Theory funny? Since BT doesn/t impress me and the game is shit so far him going Big Bang funny. Dole Cheque gives away a free for high. Im pissed. Then I see the reply he belated the bloke in the face. Yeah fair call. Nothing comes of it. The Pies go inside 50 but straight to a Dogsman. They chip around for 40 seconds which leads to sweet fuck all. The ball barely left the Pies 50. I need a fag oh fuck im out. GG saves my life. As I try and contemplate what the fuck all that chipping around was for. What did that accomplish?

Quarter Time

Collingwood 8

Dogs 3

Awful quarter, both teams where terrible, we should ave at least kicked three. Don/t know about the Doggies just chipping at the end, there was enough times for them to score, not very inspiring footy. Mr Football Waz enters with Ange, I mention im pissed because the election is the same day as the Pies Saints game. And its a 1:45 start. I can vote early but then I didn/t get the sausage in bread. Tez and GG are anti the snags. Must a chef thing, I want my sausage in bread damn it thats democracy I thnk. Waz wants answers why only 11 points where scored for the quarter. Dole Cheque marks in the 50, I see my notes are a bit light, I see Pete rolling a durry on my notes, finally the/ve gone to some good use. Trav marks 45 out, Mr Football is in awe of his legs, almost drooling, and the legs to their job. 14-3. GG not impressed with the hi 5s, Fred asks how hes week has been aving had to met with the PM. BT says the Dogs need to move the ball quickly. Whats even more pathetic then that statement is the fact that Richo said the same thing a few minutes earlier. A Dog that looks like Matrix marks 40 out. Carey calls it a poor turnover. I think the fact its a turnover proves its poor thanks Wayne you cunt. He goals to which JB says was much needed. He cops a wedge for his trouble and also is dragged for his efforts, why they drag em after a goal I will never know does my head in. Straightaway Screwdriver goals 20-9. Gooster has a stoopid miss. JB says its trench warfare.   Really footy is a trench warfare situation? Anyway its my hook beers for me Tez Pete and Fred. When I returns Sidie to Speedboy bang 28-11. Dole Cheque from the pocket kicks to the Gooster gets hit by bloke with the helmet. The Dogs goal as JB says that’s better. A dogs bloke has the ball, he looks like a 16 year old kid with bumfluff trying to buy beer. Aving done that I should know. Tom Sniders Beer Run plays through my hair.  Moore intercepts a mark 20 out, as JB says the game has opened up. Cunt act of a dive from a dog, but Moore thumps the ball Brownlow is held no free, the Dogs enter the 50, theres two of em all alone, two easy. Tez says he wont kick it. He misses as BT says was never a chance. He was 50 out and kicked the ball, I think he did ave a chance. Pete says we need the Shag, doesn/t matter we/ll do it for him. GG says JB is saying pounded a lot, probably due to Dog Pound. Dogs are given a 50, Richo thinks the ump gave him an extra 10 meters. They fucking replay the walk three times with Richo trying to do the maths on the amount of distance covered. I want to see Richo with that fucking wheel thing that clicks to find the distance at half time trying to solve this issue only he gives a fuck about. Clearly his job as a professions talker isn/t working out for him. Aish marks 10 out from Dogs goal Trav to Billy marks 30 out, im getting ready to dance by the fucked up big time. Richo says he needs to practice his goal kicking. I want to ave a sip of beer so I can spit it out. POT KETTLE BLACK. Trav explodes to Dole Cheque he wants the gooster but was pulled. Free with 17 seconds to go. He misses as I run to buy fags.

Half Time

Collingwood 30

Dogs 19

I run and buy some Holidays as Bernie 2 Legs has arrived. Oh and by the way we almost got thrown out. Well not all but one member was, but as GG says one out all out. Some petty bullshit that happened in round one, we weren/t misbehaving, it was us being us, our carry ons and celebrations we do all the time. We weren/t pissed. Drinking? Yes, but not pissed. Apparently we can do that in one bar but not the other. Yet round two they put us in that bar and we were fine, and on this night there was no one there. I liked the fact they tried to pull our mate aside, as if they were trying to shame him, but of course we all saw through it. I like the pub don/t want to knock it and most of the staff look after us but it was a nothing incident that got blown outta the water, and just seemed an opportunity to flex some muscle or something. Anyway we stayed and all was good but again a nothing incident leads to this. Im sure anyone that watches footy with us will walk away saying where nice fun people to watch a game with, thats why our non Collingwood mates watch the game with us. Anyway rant over, back to, uh, the rant.

Every commentator says this is a funny game, again how funny or what funny they don/t say. Dogs start the quarter by chipping round, Tez says when Wells returns we will improve by 25%. Fred asks me to put in the minutes hes breaking the seal, his first time since he left the house. Dogs goal as JB says good start and BT says they need more of that. Dogs miss, getting closer and closer as the callers remind us. Gordon wants to see Cox on Suckling. Cox falls on Trav hit to Son of Rowdy Pamela has a run misses from 15 out. The Bont marks on the 50 passes to a bloke but Moore intercepts Gooster is hit and given a free Trav 20 out just misses. 6 point game. Crisp to Krebs Cox handballs to Adams but loses it, to much pissing about. Somehow regroup and Gooster marks 40 out, terrible kick  and theres four Dogs and one of us, they take it but straightaway and Moore punches over for a rushed, hes been in outstanding form. Dogs snap and scores are leveled. Tez says next goal will be important. Bernie goes one better and says next goal will win. Son of Rowdy to Billy Aish to Billy again 20 out. Bernie and GG aint happy as it looked like the ball was touched. Im like whatever umpires call is final. Then he fuckes up and a free is paid against Billy, im filthy as GG says karma and we laugh. Good to ave GG back. Mind you that other bloke did buy us a jug. Dogs take a mark, JB says he had no idea what was coming. What the ball coming his way with his hands in a marking position? Dogs are now ahead. GG mentions the crucial point. Matrix to Crisp from 40 out can only manage a minor, 5 down now. Cox to Sidie to the Gooster but the kick is terrible as GG asks if either team will make it to 60 points. Cox punches to Billy hes off I love him 39-38 as I take a piss break. I walk in and see the Doggies goal and retake the lead. Sigh. And they get another. Fuck sake. GG reckons the Dogs will  make the grand final, I disagree, we ave ten clams on it. On the 50, Cox taps to Trav handballs to Pamela I think hes gonna get hit, but no, brilliant spin round for a major. 45-50. Dogs go 50 in a matter of seconds. Roughead is there handballs to Howe, Gordon says if we kick more goals and the Dogs kick none we will win. We take time to mention the pathetic sign for the interchange. As GG mentions the EPL ave electronic signs with sponsorship, the AFL looks like a blank piece of wood with the number written in texter. Not much else happened, but Mr Football Waz has a great analogy, he says this game is like a pub game of pool, plenty of potting the balls but not covering the pockets.

3 Quarter Time

Collingwood 45

Dogs 50

Richo says we need more inside 50s. What a motivator if that doesn/t get us over the line nothing will, even more inspiring then doing it for the Shag.  Trav to Matrix, Moore is held but somehow gets it out, but lays a shit handball to Krebs two dogs tackle him, umps ball. Good hit 20 from Dogs home sees Moore with the ball but another shit possession sees it out on the full, 60 from Dogs goal. Crisp spoils the kick Matrix crumbs it passes to Pamela finds Billy on the run to Cox, Dole Cheque holds it up, finds Pamela on the run plays on Screwdriver in the square no way hes gonna miss and we get the lead back. 51-50. Richo says sold the dummy, GG says he stole that from rugby. Free to Pies Pamela fucks up the contest Tez aint happy, Sidie to Brownlow Cox marks 30 out the dogs cry hahaha. Was it touched? I aint complaining. 59-57. Gooster free Trav kicks out on the full. Son of Rowdy marks 40 out, just awful off the boot. 60-57. JB tells us that wasn/t his best. Trav to Dole Cheque cant hold leads to throw in. Aish to Screwdriver Brown to Speedboy Cox 40 out  

At this point my notes got mixed up so if the order and score is out of order thats why.

Top mark Waz asks why Cox lifts one sock up and one sock is down. Leads to him a point. Krebs is hold Aish gives him a hand but loses it Cox smoothers the ball, does it redeem the awful kick. Not for now. Langdon marks 30 from Dogs home he finds Sidie but he cant get there in time. Cunt free for deliberate GG say this is crucial seconds as we laugh off our chairs. BT says there will be one more goal left scored in the match. Pamela 65 out Gooster is the recipient passes to Speedboy and is that the last goal of the night? 66-57. Dogs goal. Two goals, BT lied to me. JB says that was BIG. Gooster to Sidie Trav 65 out speedboat finds Billy on the boundary 35 out. Tough kick will he kick it? Waz says no Tez yes. Damn you Waz, crucial point. At this point im thinking where the fuck is Fred and Pete. Sidie to Aish to Adams Gooster Cox Trav Billy to the Gooster 40 out fuck sake he kicks out of bounds. GG calls it a crucial throw in. I prefer crucial points. Fred  and Pete enters cox as the Gooster Trav to Billy no mark Dogs free Dole Marks gets another point, Fred mentions Dole Cheque needs to get out of here so he needs to get home to watch King of Queens. . Son of Rowdy to Pamela to Cox back to Pamela and hey BT its been four goals. 72-57. Dogs fucking goal. BT says theres plenty of time. At eight minutes yes thats plenty. Trav on the 50 finds Cox Billy on the run outstanding 78-63. Tap from Cox Matrix to Aish to Crisp. With two minutes im calling it. I blow bubbles from my Collingwood pen. Pamela loses a one on one contest. Adams uses a claw according to JB Get Smart. Cox marks and that will do us.


Collingwood 78

Dogs 64

They want us out so they change the channel to the 20 20 cricket game but with four runs needed off last ball we/re watching. No ball. Bang. Shit ball the batter hits it for six. I ave no idea who is who but we blow the roof off and start hugging and cheering. After the game we admire the artwork outside the I Love This Shop as I hang out with Bernie and GG while waiting for there tram. GG tells me I can watch Roaming Brian, or Bumbling Brian as Leaping Larry L calls him. (for this that want a good football coverage check out Leapsters podcast at the Leapster Bugle). These poor players, surely theyd be thinking was a win worth this?

Scrappy win but i/ll take it, we had moments of brilliance but still so much pissfarting round. Roughead has improved a lot, but we need the Sack, and also the Hyphen. And of course the Shag. At our best we can match anyone and I believe it will come out soon, specking with James Lomas the next day he mentioned he wouldn’t be surprised if we won eight in a row. I think we can too.

Thanks for reading, see yous Thursday, probably at the Bala for the Lions game


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Round 8 v Blues

Happy birthday Carter and Nattie O

Always a big clash and a game I look forward to, the Pies are up and about while the Blues ave managed just one win so far. After a pantsing the other week everyone has written off Carlton and say we should kill em. But im not as optimistic. Sure on paper we should win but this is Carlton Collingwood. No matter where either side is on the ladder both teams bring their best for this encounter. So with one win the baggers are gonna leave nothing in the tank and throw whatever they ave at us. And since the media, well by media I mean idiots like Damian Barrett, ave demanded Brendon Bolton should be sacked it will give the blues even more ammo today. Speaking of Barrett, he recently had the wonderful idea of moving the Showdown to Melbourne. I certainly am no expert, but how I he on TV and im not? All he does is throw gossip up in the air, hes rarely right, and on MMM he nervously laughs whenever someone is being potted thinking oh please don/t ave a go at me next. Hes like that kid that hangs out with the bully at school and eggs him on knowing if the bully ever left him he would cop a wedgy everyday for the rest of his schooling days, I ave no time for him

Anyway enough of slimy twerps, after helping with a move I look at the time and bolt to the Balaclava. I run in the door and find no one here, the TV in the solon bar has the fucking Dogs Lions game on. Theres one fella watching it and gives me a look of this is my territory, and ill piss on the floor if I need to mark it. I concede defeat, without doing anything so take a table in the public bar. Mad Rad, St Kildas best barman is behind the bar, I always ave time for hi. When he asks what im up to and I mention the Pies game he says Go Pies, love this fella. My boy the Shag is back in and Rupert Wills is the new face in hell.

Anyway we/re underway, Brownlow kicks to a long sleeves bloke for Carlton as the Shag lays two tackles in 8 seconds, Moore punches the ball over for a thrown in. Shag again Matrix to Sidie the kick is straight to the Baggers the Shag recoups the ball handballs to Pamela marks 40 out, all thanks to a wonderful run from Speedboy. Kick just falls short as blues ave a go, Matrix scoops the ball on their 50 but is pinned, which leads to the baggers getting the first score of the match, a minor thank fuck. The Kick in is straight to a blue bagger and they ave another shot but they hit the post. Samurai to the Shag, as the channel is changed but now we get sound. We ave two TVs back to back, the Pies game, with sounds is on the smaller TV next to the bigger one with the Dogs Lions game. The Great Man Fred enters, shows me his Grindhouse tea towel design, featuring Mad Rad and Peter Russell Clark, and kindly gives me a copy. Kick from Billy is smothered on the 50, Shag gets the loose ball handballs to Pamela, bang we/re away 6-2. Fred mentions how Pamela and Speedboy where on the Its Good for Footy Show, a footy show that actually doesn/t suck. I ask which pub it was filmed, Speedboy obviously wanted the POW but he missed it by a week as it/s closed. The Cha Cha Chas are a bit awkward on this small table but we/ll manage. Dole Cheque has a kick, Fred says must be a commercial break from Friends and he figured hed better ave a kick. Kicks straight to a Bagger, Pamelas there to help out, has a snap the Hyphen is on the line but can only manage a minor. Gooster pushes a bloke over the line, he and me both demand deliberate but no dice. Blues go forward, the Shag saves the days with a great tackle, hes had about 20 touches so far hes been outstanding. Billy kicks on the full, crisp marks in the blues 50 kicks to no one, Langdon to Speedboy, Screwdriver to Levi, kicks out on the full in our 50. Kick straight to Samurai. When I point out it was straight to his arms, me and Fred start singing Nick Caves into my arms, something we never thought wed be doing at the public bar in the Bala. Free to Sidie the Blues fans aint happy out of nowhere Speedboy bang 13-3. Blues get one back, Billy has a shot after the siren and it/s a shocker and that will do for now.

Quarter Time

Pies 13

Blues 10

The Blues came out swinging, the pressure was amazing from them in the backline, all the long sleeves for them ave been brilliant.  Samurai straightway goals which leads to another rendition of into my arms. Moore misses as well to take us to 20-10. Pamela is done for holding. Shag again saves the day Brownlow to Dole Cheque Gooster 40 out, bad miss. Blues chip around for a bit Moore takes a great mark to break the momentum, matrix to Krebs, fucking misses. Even two kick game. Fred mentions the fixture, how the Pies sometimes play when he has a gig on and the AFL needs to consult us on this. Fred brings up the old Rock Against Work gigs, he says they should do Rock Against Footy, Footy on Tuesday arvo instead of the weekend. But Fred mentions how I usually see my parents on Tuesdays. Dads a good Pies man, he/ll understand. Anyway they goal and get another one, fuck that wasn/t in the script. Blues go forward and theres a bagger with some bazar Mo which Fred demands he be dragged for a stoopid mo. Son of Rowdy has a shot 50 out. Hes usually a shit kick and today is no exception. Blues kick to Matrix great mark from Reid handballs to Screwdriver brilliant goal. Straightaway Son of Rowdy to Samurai amazing stuff 36-34. Mad Matty walks by and asks if that Auskick shit is on the telly as his nephew is playing. Blues get two points and that takes us to smoko.

Half Time

36 apiece.

Since I aven/t eaten and had two schooners I should get some grub. I run to the Charcoal Chicken and get a Spring Roll and three potato cakes. Since I need a smoke as well I put the three cakes together and eat it as a sandwich as Dave Warners Half Time at the Footy plays on the speakers Jackie and GG enter as we see Dole Cheque gets the Pies the lead back. The Blues ave a shot and misses but marked over the line they go to the review but it/s a point. Fans cry, just cop it. Evil mo man goals as scores are levelled again. Blues go 50 but Moore stops the push, Gooster in the middle of the ground to Screwdriver , Pamela to Son of Rowdy thats much better from Rowdy 48-43. Viv enters as the token Carlton fan. Langdon kicks out on the full, Sidie to Reid but leads to nothing. Son of Rowdy given a free but misses. Two Pies bump into each other, which leads to Viv saying Yes Yes Yes. I think I broke the seal as Viv writes on my notes we love Viv!! With a smiley face. When I get back the Blues go forward, Viv calls this man handsome, while I stimulate throwing up. They goal. They goal again as Viv calls this other fella handsome, well each to their own. Sidie is a handsome man in my book GG says we need a goal. Blues go forward Howe marks, to Screwdriver, as the Hyphen rushes the ball over for a point. Pete enters as the Gooster goals down by five. The Hyphen goals as we bang elbows, but theres four of us and its tight and awkward, GG not impressed. Langdon kicks to no one, I scream who too? GG replies Carlton. Sigh. Anyway they get one as I head to the cage. Anthony Hudson says something oi which we all scream shut up

3 quarter Time

Pies 63

Blues 68

 In the cage I see Juzzy walk past who says we/ll be right. Keith asks what my predictions are, I pause and say us by two goals but not with a lot of confidence. Pies go 50 thanks to Moore but long sleeves is there to stop the push Dole Cheque marks 70 out Reid is held thrown in. Brownlow hits long sleeves and leads to another throw in. Samurai handballs to the Gooster Brownlow takes the loose ball, Pamela turns straight and goes fucking bang. 75-68. Gooster from the centre kicks to the 50. At this point I think wheres the Shag? My dad tells me the next day he was wacked off. Awwww fuck Hyphen marks but Reid cant mark his kick as Dunstall says pressure is on. Fuck the two screens with the two games are a distraction as Pete got the scores mixed up. Matrix to Hyphen Dole Cheque 50 from home shit kick though straight to the Baggers as the Baggers through good play get within two. They get two more quick ones, ah this wasn/t in the script as we cut to Bucks not happy, Pete says hes got the boots on standby, Fred wants me onto the shoehorn but I left it at home. Crisp does a thumping kick from 65, Billy holds a long sleeve, what a kick what a goal. I forgot to write the score. Brownlow is given a free but Reid cant hold the mark. Baggers kick out on the full. Samurai kicks high in the air Son of Rowdy goes off PIES TAKE THE LEAD. Then comes goal of the game via a soccer from the Gooster 94-87. Lana enters. At some stage Jackie mentioned menopause. Fred says like Nick Cave another thing we didn/t expect to discuss at the Bala front bar. Screwdriver gets a goal and Dole Cheque gets on after the siren and we/re out.

Game Over

Pies 106

Blues 87

Well played by the Blues hell of a game and great performance, that lone sleeves fella in the back line nearly killed us. Dole Cheque, Matrix, Sidie and the Gooster were best for us for me. After the game I offer commiserations and well played to Viv, she says good win but he heart aint in it, understandably. After the game is the game Mad Matty calls the match of the century, Dees vs the Suns. For the record it was night, but what was fun was the pool game between Matty and GG. Im impressed by Mattys Randy Savage impression not so much by his Ric Flair. At one point he flicks a pool square thing at me and I drop which he says something to the line of typical Collingwood fan. A black ball is found in Jackie bag to which she throws on the table. I go outside to spit, the kind that’s half way between normal spit and vomit. After too much fun my head hits the pillow and I aint getting up for another 12 hours.

Well that was fun, join us next week for the Saints game, possibly from a new location

As Dutch Mantel says, Im Matt Ryan and youre not (did he steal that from Chevy Chase?)

See ya next week


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SHIFTING SANDS – ‘CRYSTAL CUTS’ Review (Spooky Records)

Some of the most beautiful and painful songs laid down on disc and wax, Shifting Sands new LP Crystal Cuts may not always ave the happiest of endings, but I doubt there won/t be a listener who can/t relate to a song or two. There aint no picking up the princess and riding off into the sunset, instead of happily ever after, its more everything will be ok. It may not be roses and sunshine but it/s real. What makes the songs even more incredible is the Jekyll and Hyde singing combo between Geoff Corbett and Isabella Mellor. Geoff has a rough as guts vocal style, while Isabella has one of the most stunning voices ive ever heard. It/s a weird mixture these two together but in the context of the songs they fit like a glove.

Hibiscus is a lovely Spencer P Jones style number with beautiful backing harmonies, I could fall on the floor and smoke a joint to this and forget about all my worries while listening to the story of short term love affair

Disaster Response sees the electric guitar pulled for the first time, what happens beyond the morning after and will all be ok. A bittersweet duet that expresses no regrets.

Smoking Again has Isabella sings the Benefits and joys (if you call it that) of lighting up one. I love smoking culture and this is a new track for me when I light up a dart.

Silver Medication talks of better times, such an incredible performance from Geoff he doesnt choke up and cry but you can tell he means and feels every words he spits out making it more stunning.

Would Have Killed Each Other is about past love and why things are better left in the past.

Love Song Dedication gives me awful memories of that awful radio show (is that still on?) the tale of music trying to make everything good between two lovers even when it/s no good

The Intensity tells us how nothing can top the first encounter, and sometimes the chase is better than the catch

Tree has beautiful harmonies from Isabella which has a real gospel vibe to end proceedings, her voice gives me Goosebumps, such an amazing performance.

Ten tales of love lust and heartbreak, as mentioned the vocal performances of Isabella and Geoff is what gives this LP that extra drive. If either one recorded all ten tracks it would ave been great but the fact they mix and match makes it even better, either working together or solo or one contributing backing vocals it/s a wonderful performance from both. As said theres at least one or two tracks most can relate to, some songs sad, some songs happy, all appear real.

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Round 3 v West Coast

Now. It/s the grand final reply, both teams 1-1 and neither team is playing these sides are capable of. I always love the first match the two previous years grand finalists play off in, as the commentators say the team that lost is out for revenge, because a win in April is really the same thing as a win in September. Or October, whenever the fuck the grand final is played. After a brilliant second half to bring home the bacon against the Tigers, the Pies will need some of that magic to beat the Eagles. Lets see if they can do it. Our venue tonight is Lost. After aving a few with Rusty of Cold Harbor fame, one of the best blokes I know at the Bowlo, I jump the tram to get to Lost on Barkley for the game. Ive lost my lighter, fuck, so I need to go via the 7 11 for fire. I buy matches, as I walk in to Lost I find the lighter in the fags packet. Where it always is.


Walk in and see where six up and the CEO Pete is right at the door watching. Ive always got time for him. My gracious Hosts Sef and OG also greet me. Nine Pound Hammer is playing on the YouTube and will be the soundtrack for most of the game. As mentioned we/re one good kick ahead, I ask Pete who the goal kicker was and he doesn/t know as the TV wasn/t on standby for our arrival. I start taking notes round the ten minutes Mark, and when I start picking up the action Howe is hit, and fuck me, THE SHAG has an effective possession. They handball back to him, hes pinned. HE GETS A FREE. TWO TOUCHES IN EIGH SECONDS. Does an alright but effective kick to Beams. The Shag was kicking in danger before the free was paid. Pete inquires if that counts as a possession. Three touchs in a few seconds. Hes already got one Brownlow vote. Howe gets a free, Moore is pinned for throwing. I keep hearing this Eagles name, Shuey. Hmmm I recently met legendary Shonkytonk drummer Shoebox. Is that him? Hes now running a pub in WA. Its highly plausible. Brownlow marks. Pete wonders of he/ll be the next captain? Well he doesn/t ave any drink driving episodes or been done for taking speed at the St Kilda fest. Shag intercepts a mark from  Darling. Fuck give that man a new contract. Max makes an appearance out of nowhere, good to see him and his partner and daughter. JB says the Samurai is a big presence. Well when you/re over six foot I would say yes you are a big presence. Good 1-2 handball from Cox to Pamela he finds Billy on the run, but Eagles are standing in front, Aish picks up the loose ball, Beams off to Dole Cheque, passes to Adams kicks to the Gooster, plays on for some reason. Shit kick sees the Eagles regroup with the ball. The Eagles waste no time, Howe is the only one there to fight off this charge, somehow gets it out, off to Pamela finds Aish and handballs, but he does it while hes standing by himself and is pinned. Again its my biggest peeve in football, handballing to a bloke standing still. It usually fails. Brownlow scoops the pill finds Cox on  the 50. What a kick. 18-7. Screwdriver to the Gooster Billy kicks short to Pamela not 15 finds Brownlow, plays on the deadshit, finds Cox but hes held. Fuck that was a wasted opportunity. Pete says thats why you don’t handball to a bloke thats seven foot tall. We get the ball straight back in the 50 but fuck theres no one to pick it up, Gooster receives a kick from the Eagles but sweet fuck all comes from it. Langdon trys to be too cute and he gives the Eagles an easy free. The Gooster takes on two Eagles players. Outstanding effort. But the Eagles numbers outmatch the lack of players we ave down the back line, and they end up playing kick to kick for a minute. Its all too easy for em. Moore concedes the ball over the line for a behind. The Eagles want deliberate. He was one CM from the line with a bloke right there. What the fuck was he meant to do? SHUT UP. The Shag gets another effective possession and the siren sounds.


Quarter Time

Collingwood 19

Eagles 8


Weird quarter. Few chances that went missing, but the pressure in the backline was great. Keeping the Eagles to one goal was a good effort but considering we had most of the possession we should ave at least kicked 5 goals.


Matrix kicks to the 50 finds Krebs, Dole Cheque cant hold mark, Eagles given a shit free and easy goal. SHAG MARKS. Hes now up to two Brownlow votes, short kick to Samurai, finds Beams on the wing finds Roughead to Howe finds Shag, hes held. Pete mentions three touches in in ten seconds. Is he up to 20 possessions? Brownlow to Cox but has butterfingers Aish finds the Shag, hes 45 out. Oh good hes going for two goals in two games. Dare to dream. Nothing comes of it. Well I guess he is human as he misses the lot. Shag handballs to Matrix kicks to Dole Cheque 40 out on an angle that wont be an issue as I scream King of Queens. 26-15. Good hit by Adams but is penalizes and gives away a bullshit 50, but the kick gets what it deserves as Langdon kicks to Crisp, Moore is the target but theres three Eagles round him, he had zero chance. Kennedy goals. Oh and somewhere round this time Moore goes off the ground, they cut to his dad, who as I mentioned looks like Mark Latham, worried he was injured. There was no incident he just went off. Dr JB and Nurse Lingy are speculating, but he comes on and plays the rest of the game. Guys you had a doctor on the team years ago. You barely say anything useful when it comes to football so please don/t comment on an area you actually need brains to talk on the subject. Shag gets two more touches, the second one was good. Eagles go 50 thankfully is rushed but get another goal straightaway. Three points down. Matrix kicks right through the guts Howe to Adams handballs top Brownlow BANG 35-32. This Shuey bloke is on fire. Hey Shoebox what the fuck, I thought you was a good pieman. Great mark from Krebs passes to screwdriver, as a cunt act from the Eagles, he bowls over his knees. Ump blows his whistle, the Pies think its theres but this daft cunt ump pays against us. And a 50. They get a ridiculous goal. You can see from the lack of hi 5s the Eagles aint thrilled to take it. Dangerfield even tweets to say what a stoopid act. Shag gets a free. This is possibly the game of the year where seeing. Billy marks 60 out Brownlow passes to Cox, hes held and gets a kick for his trouble. Shanks the fucking ball. On the full. Eagles go 50 after a bunch of nothing Darce says Eagles on top. Thanks I couldn/t make that out from the score. Thankfully they miss. Roughead to Krebs leads to Brownlow marks 30 out. JB says it would be good for the pies to get to single figures in terms of margin before the main break. Son of Bucks does what he does best. One more inside 50 leads to jackshit



Collingwood 39

Eagles 48


We had the chances bit couldn/t capitalize, while the Eagles took every chance they got and made us many blokes gone MIA.

Half time I inform Pete of the brilliant Hybinators gig last night, and Dickos plans for a statue outside whatever Olympic Park is call now of Tarkyn Lockyer. What a beautiful kick he was kicking out from the goal square.  I want  statue of Leigh Brown, then Tarkyn next.

Bunch of amazing handballs from the Gooster and a soccer sees Sidie kick the ball straight to an Eagle, as we see Buck facepalm. Some amazing commentary from that double act Abbot and Costello, sorry I mean Darce and Lingy. Darce says geez Collingwood fans wouldn/t be happy with this. While Lingy makes the groundbreaking revelation that the Eagles are mostly recruiting kids of WA. A WA team recruiting kids from their own state. What a shock. Speaking of WA recruits this fucking Shuey is killing us. Shoebox I thought we were friends? As the Pogues plays upstairs, we/re not playing well, but Pete aint fusses, its the loss we had to ave and we always start slow. Thats why he earns the CEO money. The commentators pump up shitcunt Gaff with all his stats. They didn/t mention how many teenagers he punched today. Adams has a shot as JB says we need this. Pete mentions the callers  must walk out thinking how do we live with ourselves with such amazing insight. Sidie marks hes laughing 41-60. Pete shows his knowledge saying we need another. And another. Maybe another. Darce says that was a significate goal, as opposed to all the others. Roughead punches to Howe. As we see Bucks pissed Richo says the pies need to take a risk. JB pumps up Gaff, failing to mention the awful character he is.

Matrix to Greenwood to Billy who finds the Gooster, fuck he plays on and we see a rare miss. Big Star plays as I write this with a fag in my mouth as I need a break. Hell with the way we/re playing I could smoke Dave Allen under the table.


Three quarter time

Collingwood 48

Eagles 68


We find out whats on Travs I pod. Oh Trav really? Spiderbaits Black Betty. Lame. Free to the Shag as Pete says Lingy is about to jump on us and praise us. The draft fucks must ave a script, I refuse to believe there that stoopid. Well actually I can. I mention to Pete watching the womens game last week I was amazed at all the lady commentators, they was smart, insightful, all calls and made good comments on why a player won or lost a contest. No doubt Richo pulled them aside after and gave him his one liners, such as they need a goal. Thomas kicks a goal which is described as smart footy. Pete informs me we need more goals. Lingy says the Pies need to be more careful. In what way should be bubble wrap the ball? Pete reckons he only knows about 15 words. Im guess more like 10. Cunt Gaff kicks out on the full. The fans in the crowd hold a sign signing his praises. Oh for fuck sake. Ive gone off on him before but hes a cunt and West Coasts response to this whole affair made me sick. Adam Simpson refusing to condemn him and the dickhead present aving a go on the poor Freo player who was on the otherside of the knuckle. Then after being found guilty he bangs on and pisses in his own pocket and talks what a great character he is. Gaff you/re a thug and all the players who supported him are mindless sheep. Don/t give me the good bloke shit, good blokes don/t throw brutal blows to the head, and the ones that are are cowards, like Gaff.

And before you go accusing me of bias, hey read my rants last year, I called the Gooster a shit bloke for his drink driving adventures, and ive slandered our present for his foot on the mouth episodes. Shag is given a free. Game of the century. Round 3 will be now known as the Shag round. Three votes to him. Beams kicks a goal, JB says 22 points down, with three seconds to go as if that is a gettable margin with plenty of time left.

We bid Sef farewell, being a pisshead I need one more beer before I get Daves Chinese. A get a beer at Surabaya Johnnys. The Hanks are playing; I tell Fred the sad news yet tell him the Shag was outstanding. Gordon sings Drinking thing, THE Gary Stewart a song me and Brad comment means a lot to a lot of the patrons in attendance. Cocktails by Robbie Faulks, and Wrecking Ball all get a run as i need to go home.

The next day I see Pete as Dogs, and we bring up the comment Lingy made, re the lines, he said the Pies need to get the lines together. But which direction? I would like to ave thought someone would pull him up but there all to stoopid to know what he said was ridiculous.


Well we lost by a few goals but the margin didn/t reflect how good the eagles was and how shit we were. Few blokes impressed me. Shag was in career best again. Roughead did nothing to impress me  but he wasn/t alone. As Jack and Bernie 1 pointed out maybe not the best move watching a game of football in a place called Lost. With the Doggies and Lions in the next fortnight we need to stop pissfarting  soon and remember how to play like we did last year.  And of course kick more goals because I hear thats how you win.


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