Munsters Footy Rant Round 9 Vs St Kilda


After a theepeat of pussy teams, which saw two Ls and one W, and that was a seven point win over Brisbane, its now onto the Saints. My Dad mentioned the Saints were gonna bring there A game for us, so I wasn/t overly confident we would win this, even though heaps of people told me otherwise. Of my mates I think St Kilda would probably be the team most representative. I will say this bout Saints fans there always the most optimistic fans round. Ive never heard a Saints fan say this is gonna be a shit year, there always looking on the bright side. I don/t know if thats loyalty or being delusional. Theres a Second hand office furniture shop on South Road Moorabbin near the ground of the same name, and it says go Saints out the front with whatever year it is. Again is it loyalty or delusional? Do they think the saints will win the flag that year or do they need to remind themselves what year it is? After driving past this business for years I ended up aving beers with the owner of this joint at the Elsternwick RSL. He told me the business was franchised and when he was my age (27 at the time I think) he was married kids and made seven figures. He asked about me. I said well Im aving a beer now, ill probably ave another one later. Might even light a fag, Im pretty sure I did. He kept asking what my ambitions and hopes where but kept coming back to him, he wasn/t interested in helping me or getting me on some career path, he just wanted to measure his cock next to mine and brag bout it. Eventually the GO SAINT sign came up. I asked him if hed ever seen a Saint flag. He said no. He asked if id seen a flag and I just said 2010 and left him with that. I didn/t ave a ruler to measure and I think we won on points, but I won that round.

For the first time this season im going to the game live. Its been a wild weekend so far. Kid Congo Powers at the new Caravan Club, Friday at the Tote for the Grindhouse LP launch. Was lucky enough to catch up with two of the best blokes I know, Joe and Johnny of Bitter Sweet kicks fame at the Tote. Ive always got time for them. Years ago before the community cup (COME BACK TO ELSTERNWICK) I met Johnny at the Street Bar before the game so I could be drunk by noon before I got to the game. I was wearing a Pies and Megahertz scarf, Johnny told me can you be any more of a cunt. Im going in with Saints fans GG and Bernie (two legs). Again, I always got time for them. GGs mate Scott is with us. Hes wearing a Pies scarf, I don/t know the man but I like him off the bat. Bernie is making a call, Saints up at half time, GG predicts he/ll be checking tram tracker at three quarter time, while Cal predicts a Saints victory. We/re running late, and we/re amazed at how little people are on their way to the game. Few years ago a Pies-Saints game was guaranteed 50,000. This time it was round 33,000. Do people hate going these days? Or is it that fucking wedding everyones watching? Walking in theres a bloke for some reason in a tennis chair saying the game has started, Bernie says 30-love. Theres a bucks party, or just a bunch of wankers watching the game outside on the big screen. And the live site thing? I don/t get that either. If you/re not at the game id rather be at the pub. Am I so out of touch? No its the children who are wrong. Im an MCC member and rarely go to the Dome, so I gotta buy a ticket. How the fuck to normal people do this? There was three people ahead of me but still took ages for them to sort shit out. This is painful, im just sticking to walking into the G from now on. I bump into my fellow Fred Negro Footy Mouth Ranter Dicko. He is also livid re the tickets. Cant wait to see his summary of the game. Finally with tixs Bernie says the Pies ave missed one shot while the Saints two. I see a bloke wearing a Lions Scarf. Hes not six so thats unacceptable. We go to the bar to watch the rest of the first half. As we walk in Brownlow goals to cheers, they love this man as do i.  But Saints get a free not long after and Saints are up 20-15. Bernie says its the best performance the Saints ave played all year. Some Saints fans scream at the telly hey Collingwood show us ya teeth and also inform the players to get off the methadone. If where gonna talk flaws in teams should I mention there treatment of women in the last few years?  Saints miss a shot, Bern and GG talk how the goal kicking has hurt them this year. Langdon does a tackle but pinned for in the back, ive missed him doing that, but the saints mess it up when a player runs the wrong way, he gets to our 50 he turns round. Saints goal and its 23-20. Big Coxs misses as Saints fans chant USA USA USA. I like that one actually.

Quarter time

C 3.3.21

St 3.5.23

Saints came out and played a  great quarter of footy. We go to the standing room area. You should always stand at the footy. Like pubs its better to stand then sit. Thank fuck we got outta the pub as the royal wedding was on. Bill Maher summed it up perfectly, a B Grade actress marrying a bloke that will never be king. Woppdy do. As far as im concerned the royals just stand and wave and take flowers off little girls. I wonder how many of those medals Harry really earned. And yes im all for love, but not when it cost several million dollars out of the public pocket. I find love at the Balaclava this arvo and that suites me fine. But it is a shame leaving the bar as its the only place you can get full strength beer and you cant take it to your seat. A bloke tries to and another bloke tells him no in a weird voice. Not sure if it too much heroin or ice that gives him that voice. Im standing next to the Saints version of Joffa, a bloke in a Saints suite. I wish I could set him on fire he annoys me so much. He said lets go for percentage in the second quarter. Mind you I probably say it, but when someone other than Collingwood says it im annoyed. . Anyway the Shag has a shot and misses. Shortly he leaves and not seen for awhile. I think the money ran out. Howe does a great punch but why the fuck didn/t he mark it. Thankfully the Gooster picks up for a great goal to take us within two points.  Im standing near another pub called the Garden Gate. Looks awful, bunch of people drinking with no interested in the game. The kind of people that love the races but know nothing bout the sport, i.e. the worst people ever. . The Gooster is given in the back which leads to a saints goal. Dean Rices son gets in his first play, he gives away a free. The Gooster kicks a goal and he gets his threepeat. Pies down 40-30. Again, I think the Gooster was a dickhead for what he did at the start of the season and never would I condone what he did but hopefully the punishment was the foot up the arse he needed. Hes been in great form since he returned. Bernie pulls out his binoculars, this is a serious footy watcher. Looks like the Saints will go into the break with the lead, Bernie was right, but he says his big prediction is coming up. . Someone says Crocker has the worst haircut in Collingwood history. Big Call. Saints mark thirty meters out but its a floater and its a point. The Hyphen takes a beautiful shot, but Cox rushes it. He cant grab a mark today. The Saints take the ball up the other end and a saints fan is standing by himself and goals. For fuck sake thats the second goal that got via a bloke standing by himself, they never fucking learn. Fas playing his first game of the season but looks like has rolled his ankle and thats the last we see of him, sadly I think that was his first touch. Hopefully he returns soon. Last roll of the dice for the Pies. We go 50 but they kick to a Saints bloke standing by himself and that takes us to the main break.

Half Time


St 49

We go out for a smoke ad Bernies big prediction? A Draw. Third quarter starts with the Saints going forward. Bernie says he/ll miss. Sadly hes wrong as the Pies are down by Seven. EMF play with that your unbelievable song and fake banging of the rails playing, like WCW did with the Goldberg chants. I remember when they played the Sunyboys and God before the game. I want that DJ back. Shoehorn isn/t happy as Cox drops another mark but he does bowl over two players. Then comes some of the worst umpiring ive seen all year, and it all landed in our favour. Sidie is pinned and clearly dropping the ball, but Phillips crums and goals. The Saints fans are gonna riot. When it dies a pipe in with GO PIES, looks like i/ll be the first thrown to the Lions. The Gooster goes to mark but is spoiled from behind, a perfect defensive play but the Saints are done for in the back. Three in a row to the pies and and Adams does a perfect tackle on a Saint player in their 50, the same call in our 50 and he is given a free. The Saints fans are gonna burn the place down now. The Saints get one back but they go to the review, even though it looked never in doubt it was a goal. If its reversed there gonna run on the ground but the golal stands. Son of Rowdy scores and he does the CM Punk go to sleep thing, and we see his legendry father in the stands. We see on the TV Sam Newman and Rex Hunt in the same box, two people I never want to hear from again. Thank fuck im not watching at the pub and am free of hearing James Brayshaws shit calls and whoooos. Scot calls the Hyphen the Hyphen, hes learning. . Phillips goals to take it to 79-57. And again Cox cant mark. The Shag is given a free, hes back and gets a touch. The Matrix is aving a great game, again fuck you Mike Sheahan for saying hes not an A list player. A beautiful kick from the Hyphen to the Gooster sees him goal to take us to the last break

Three quarter Time



We start with another Gooster special but he doesn/t goal. Ben Long misses and the Saints fans standing in front of us our outta here and GG checks tram tracker. The Royal wedding is brought up. Scott says his wedding was better, and GG says his two were better. Not much happened this quarter. Both teams kick a goal each. Some of the worst skill level ive seen all year. Phillips cops an elbow, I want weeks for that action. Stephens gets a tap, cant remember the last first year rookie we had that has had such an impact straight up. Only a few games and hes been a solid contributor the whole time. Although he does do those fucking dribble kicks, and does it from 30 meters out and of course misses. We see the Saints suite bloke talk to Joffa not wearing his jacket. And thats when I stop taking notes


Collingwood 100

St Kilda 72.

After the game me GG and Bernie head back to St Kilda to see Andy Kentler. They discuss the state of the Saints and how they cant kick in front of goal and what a stoopid move it was to move to Seaford. Even I could ave told em that. Andy Kentler plays a great set and its off to home for popcorn and Get Smart.

As me mate Brett Funnell told me on Saturday, he hates it when people say we needed that goal. When did you even not need a goal? Same thing with the Pies, we needed the win but then when did we not need a win. Hypehn was ace, Stephens gets better and better, the Gooster was brilliant with six major. Lets see how we go when we go West for Freo. Terry O’ Leary, you in?

Im Matt Ryan and ast least I aint Danny Frawley.

And fuck the Royal Wedding. Call me a hater or whatever but a bunch of spoilt private school kids that never worked a proper day in there life and live off the taxpayer and look down on normal people are lesser people. Fuck those guys.


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NQR debut release – ‘The Garden’ 6 track cassette

Melbournes latest supergroup/collective is NQR. I really hope the band is named after the supermarket chain, a place where I once smashed a VB Stubby in the Parkdale branch because they didn/t sell the stuff (don/t know where the stubby I was holding came from). NQR may not be right, but they certainly aint wrong.  Up front is the incredible vocals of Ruth Mclver of C**ting Daughters (editors note: im not afraid of saying cunt in my writing, the presser has the * so not sure if they ave censored themselves or the * is part of the bands name). She has a voice that sounds as strong and powerful as Linda Dacio and has Lydia Lunch writing the words, with the finest no wave guitar noise ever thrown up.

The Garden is a thumping onslaught of guitar, sounds like My Bloody Valentine with a welcome to Hell touch with its sound and lyrics. Venus De Milo starts off softer, feeling like its going to the same onslaught as before but they don/t, they keep it calm and collect a its little swerve on  NQRs part  Frightening bass starts Maritime Pome and love the use of guitar pedal here, real Rowland S Howard vibe on this track. Veronica Lake has the best guitar parts of the record, real wah wah in a dangerous manner, could easily be a track off a slasher movie soundtrack.

Titanic has a riff that I think I would want playing, following me round when the ship was sinking when me and others are running round like headless chooks. Adds to the suspense of the tragedy, does he make it or not feel when you hear this number. What colour is your parachute closes us out. While certainly not a soft track, could be a Ballard compared to the other tracks.

A strong six song opening release, not one dud song on it, and also avig moments where you think the song is going this was but it goes the other, NQRs Noise, no wave rock and Birthday Party style rock is a thumping collection of sound and noise along with an incredible vocalist, who sings instead of screaming, something different to the no wave factor which makes NQR stand out from their fellow No wavers, whatever the collective of that particular genre would be called. Fans of Witch Hats and Lubricated Goat please step forward.

NQR debut release – ‘The Garden’ 6 track cassette out now via Kasumuen Records



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Munsters Footy Rant Round 6 vs Richmond


The Pies are coming off three wins in a row. Cant remember the last time I got to say that. I like it, I wish to say we/re coming off wins more often. We scored wins over the most pure of evil (Essendon and Carlton) and Adelaide, who while didn/t win the trophy where the best team of 2017. So coming off three big wins its time to really see where we are at, taking on the campions the Tigers. Theres no team I love a win against more than the Tiges, no idea why, just love it. I loved back in 2016 when the Samurai kicked a goal with second to go to clinch the game for us. The week before we got smashed by the Swans and a non Swans supporting friend felt the urge to text me the entire Swans theme. Richmond was there second team (don/t get me started on that shit) so after we beat them I replied serve with the Pies theme. They responded saying it was a fluke I said who cares any win over those picks is ace. So the Tigers bring out the white line fever in me. Oh, and im yet to ave another drink with that person. So with the Tigers aving bragging rights will be nice to see where we/re at and if we are really contenders this year.

I walk into the Balaclava five minutes before kick off. Gordon and Fred are at the table. Im informed theres no sound on the telly I find the remote and turn the volume up but no sound. Im outta ideas so I go to the bar. Im reading that Flynn Appleby is being blooded today, or as Mark E Smith would say the new face in hell.  I am now going to christen him Errol. The Smallest Man in football is back, and to my shock and awe MAYNE HAS BEEN PICKED. AMAZING.

And a quick reminder here are the nicknames for some of the Pies players

Nathan Buckley – Shoehorn/Bucks

Alex Fasolo – Faz

Jordan De Goey –The Gooster

Bordie Grundy – The Samurai/the Barista

Jamie Elliott – Billy Elliot

Tyson Goldsack –The Sack/Flop

Adam Treloar – Brownlow

Scott Pendelbury – Matrix

Jarryd Blair- Bilbo/Smallest man in Football

Lynden Dunn- Twiggy

Callum Brown – Son of Rowdy

Tom Phillips Screwdriver

Will Hoskin-Elliott –Hyphen

Brayden Maynard – Maynard G Crabs

I go out for a fag before the bounce, and im on the superkings, and since there longer than a normal ciggie I miscalculate my timing and miss the first 90 seconds. When I walk in I see Dusty rubbing Maynes hair. I get the feeling that may be the only touch he gets. The Tigers ave a shoot and miss. The bloke kicking has a Fred Flintstone run up when he goes bowling, the twinkle toes method. I hate that run up. We are joined at the table by the bloke at the end of the bar I call mate. I find out later his name is Mick. Good lad he is. Toby kicks another point for the Tigers and they kick another one quickly The Samurai kicks to a Richmond player and there aving another shoot. Bad Samurai, very bad. But they still miss, Fred says we/ve cursed em. Pete joins us and Pete is the Action man when it comes to getting the sound on. We ask one of the staff, he says yeah I can help then goes into another room. We don/t see him for the rest of the day. We finally get the ball down our end and Cox has it. Sigh. He misses. Oh man, hes a great mark but he needs a hand with kicking. He can be something and hope he does but he need serious goal kicking training, its an ugly style. With 9:55 to go in the quarter a major is finally scored. Unfortunately its not our end. Two more members of staff walk past and we ask them RE the sound, he tells us that they cant change it because of the Foxtel box, for some reason the Foxtel Box wont allow this particular TV to ave sound, despite the fact ever both in the bistro has Foxtel and the Front bar and pokies area all ave TVs with Foxtel. We can put a man on the moon but not get sound on a TV. Another member of staff picks up the remote changes the channel and finally we get sound. After we finally get sound Matrix kicks our first and the high 5s and the cha cha chas come out. After the re start Errol gets his first touch, a spoil, and what a spoil, textbook looking straight at the ball and didn/t touch the arms.  Mayne gets a kick. Hes earned his 600,000 clams. Fred goes to the bar and with the tables joined it’s a long walk to the bar. Mayne gets two touches in eight second. Im stunned. Great mark from Reid , kicks to a big pack and Cox stands tall and marks, a a flog Richmond player knocks the ball out of his hands. 50. GOAL. But the joy is short lived as they take the ball but the other end and goal, and to add insult to injury Twiggy is a royal dick and bumps the kicker and is given a free goal straight away. Riewoldt gets in Twiggys face. My Dingley Correspondent Tim, is on the bowler texting me saying Fucking Dunn. Times an old Dingley friend of mine, we rarely see each other, but we text all the time, bout football. Cant remember the last time we said how ya going? But I like that we don’t need to say that. Cox has another crack, Twiggys is in his face, he wants to fight everyone.

Quarter time Pies down by eight. Riewoldt starts the quarter by being a crybaby. Shut up and play the game. Classic Matrix as it weaves his way through traffic and kicks to Cox. Sigh. Is he the new Cloke? Great mark shit kick, particularly in front of goal. And he gets a point. Just sigh. Another entry in the forward 50 and Razor Ray is taking the piss by awarding Cox another attempt at goal. But long behold he kicks yours truly. Howe takes a ripper mark, one of his best, Riewoldt cries again. Rance is hit in the head with the ball and awarded a free. I swear next you wont be able to look at someone without giving away a free. Brilliant mark by Scharenberg , Riewoldt off camera cries again im sure.  The pressure in the defensive fifty is amazing, both teams are fighting tooth and nail. Cox drops a mark and hes so tall he can barely bend down to pick it up, but three blokes tackle him but none can get him to the ground. And the moment my eyes beam up, I find out Butler is playing for Richmond. It means I get to do my Blakey from On the Buses impression. The whole table is screaming i/ll get you butler.  The Hyphen scores and we bang elbows. Hes my favourite by far. Tigers take it up the other end, a dribble kick and Twiggy takes his time to bang it over, it looked like a goal but score review disagrees. Hardwick smiles. When I see Hardwick I think of the other week when we did the who the fuck am I from the Sun on Monday. Pete got Hardwick from six points, so basically the only info we had was what year he was born. Pete says he read it somewhere what year he was born, I think he cheated but the adjudicator couldn/t come through.  Cox pushes Crybaby outta the way and Hyphen on the siren goals to top off a great quarter and it’s the Pies by four points going into the main break.

Half time we discuss the player Butler, I want him at the Pies just so I can do Blakey all game. Pete wants Hogan from Melbourne so he can do Colonel Klink. After the break the pressure from both sides is amazing. Both sides are leaving nothing in the tank, incredible due to the short break both teams had, but I wish the Pies would kick more, the handball style of play has worked so far but they need more kicking out of pressure. Theres a Richmond player whose last name sounds like Costanza again I want him for the Pies. Howe is out and so is Aish, in such a tight game, losing them would be huge and could be the difference. Brilliant tackle by Crisp. Crybabay finally does something other than cry and Tigers get the lead. Viv Gaye joins us, she told me something not to write down. GG also comes in, with no glasses, hes sitting right in front of the telly. Mayne is getting plenty of it. Not really using it well but still, hes probably earing 10,000 g a possession.  We get another 50 and the Gooster goals. Reid gets another and the pies back in front.  Crybaby gets a free and misses. Hahaha. As Fred points out hes probably too focused on his singing career. Later on Riewoldt is given another free, he could ave easily also gotten a 50 but hes such a whinger the umps aving none of it  Pete complains out a free that was instead given as an advantage. Gordon tells me to write that down. Tigers goal and there in front. That awful commentator Hamish says the Pies are aiming for a month of wins. Er, no its a fourpeet you idiot.  Does anyone know why hes around and the point of him is? When we do the quiz if you get four in a row right you make a speech with Sault and pepper shakers. Id love to see Matrix and Shoehorn do the same.

Three quarter time and down by ten.

The last quarter it seems we stopped and the Tigers moved up a gear. Crybaby misses so thats something, but then they get one and its three goals we ave to come back from. They get out to five, ive put the pen and pad away. Reid kicks a goal and we cha cha cha. At this stage a bloke in St Kilda shirt wants in on the high 5s. this throws us off our game and its not our best click clap. Gordon tells me to write down the clock is against us, Brownlow, or as Fred points out the blokes that looks like Kryten from Red Dwarf goals to get us back within 19. Viv Gaye rejoins us and tells us to do some quick kicks. Couldn/t hurt, she also says Richmond are doing well due to the colour of the ball matching the colour on their jumper. Didn/t think of it like that. They kick some more goals, but Stephenson goals to make it 19 again. Pete says Peterson, I say its Stephenson, he ask if im sure, I said well im a football reporter now so I should know. This game is over for us, I reach into my pocket to pull out a fag, but theres none there, for some reason I kept the pack in my jacket despite no durries in there. You idiot.  Crybabay goals and I put the pen and pad down again Serein sound and I go to the bar.

After the game Fred breaks the seal, I put it in the minutes. Dirty Dave Dare texts me cold pies. The check of the man considering he doesn/t even go for the Tigers and his mob, the Saints lost. Was a ripping opening three quarters, was a great game but we just stopped and only managed one point in the last quarter. While we were two men down we still got work to do if we are to be contenders this year. If we played as good a brand of football in the last quarter as we did in the first three and still lost I think there would be a lot of positives and a sign we/re for real, but that last thirty minutes was disappointing. Speaking of disappointing, the click claps, one or two slips ups. That bloke threw us off but we still should be prepared for those moments. We need that training camp and a 6am start at training to fix that. . Geelong this week, lets see if we can get back to our best, both on field and at the table.

Im still trying to figure out a sign off for this rant. Still avent got one. Keep Punchin…no that Scott Palmer. I need work on that too.

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The Fiction Negative Fun (Off the Hip)

One of the best music docos in recent years was A Band Called Death. The doco chronicled the short lived career and legend that was the band Death and there LP that never came out but became the stuff of legend. It took em a few decades but they are now getting the due respect they deserve. Since then it seems every kid that has ever made a demo has had their cassette released in recent years. The Fiction made a demo before they even played a gig, by the time there EP was finished they broke up, so it came out as a Little Murders EP, and Little Murders are still going strong to this day with Rob Griffiths up front, as he was with the Fiction. Rob Wellington, the guitarist in the Fiction formed the International Exiles and today plays with Winter Sun, The Originals and The Peptides and occasionally watches the footy me Fred and Pete and Gordon as hes a good pies man. Someone has kept the Fiction Tape and now forty years later via the mighty Off the Hip records the Fictions songs are now finally getting an airing in their full lo fi glory.

Classic three chord 1234 rough as guts but still very listenable lo fi  punk rock, very Billy Childish and Ramones. Robot Love is an interesting track, given it was written in 1978, I wonder if these guys thought this was a shape of romance to come. Although with things like Tinder I don/t think anyone could ave predicated that, personally I thought romance would be like the way it was portrayed in the Woody Allen classic Sleeper where sex takes place in some machine. ”Gonna make you piece by piece” could still yet be a sign of things to come.

One of the things I love about this CD is that they kept all the banter inbetween tracks. One track they shout 123 and you hear STOP. You also hear the tape being stopped and started inbetween tracks, its the sort of thing other bands may wipe but I enjoy little things like that.

Years ago I was lucky enough to be on a panel at a punk expo at Brightspace with Rob Wellington himself, he mentioned that while other cities like London had issues to rebel and say fuck you too, one of the big issues in Melbourne was fighting boredom. Nothing to do in the city sums up Melbourne and at the time and how the young folk might ave felt. Subterranean City starts with the 123 starting over again, its is a great Ramones style track. Public Eye which comes in just under four minutes is as close as you/ll get to slowing things down, love the gang vocals. Victimless Crime has a brilliant military style drums combined with swing like guitar, and I  love the line take a darg take a beer. Another close to four minute track Whose Side Are You On has a great stand together arms in sing along chorus. Before Happy Just to Dance we get some more banter, something bout Clouds I think. The title track could easily be considered up there with (I/m) Stranded as an iconic punk anthem. Boytown Boys sounds like a gem you would find on an early Back from the Grave comp.

Negative Fun is twelve short fast loud in your face three chord punk tracks, and even at a time when punk was stripping back the layers and sticking to the basics The Fiction still stood out. With its rawness, funny lyrics and the tightness, considering they hadn/t played a gig at the time. This recording still stands up today. Just wondering why Rob (Wellington) never mentioned this to me when we watched the footy? Maybe he did I don/t know. And good news. There playing gigs again! The two Robs with Mick Batty on drums are blasting these tunes in all its dirty glory. While theres so much great new music round, its little lost classics like this that will always keep me going back to the record shop.

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Munsters Footy Rant Round 7 vs Brisbane


Both teams are desperate for a win today. The Pies, aving an easy draw for the second half of the year need to win games early on if they are to be contenders. Last year we had a decent second half of the season but was all pissed away after an awful start. They cant afford that this year. And the Lions, well they just want to win a game. How desperately? The other night I took a piss in the toilets out the back of the Vineyard, I also needed a fag but had no lighter. There was a lighter standing up, upside down in the toilet bowl. I was centimetres away from picking it up and lighting up but controlled myself. So yeah id say Lions fans are that desperate for a win like I was Thursday night. Before the game im at a place on Acland St ive never been to and ave no desire to return to where im sitting with Chrisi and Bill. Chrisi asks me if ive pulled myself to the Dane Swan sex tape yet. I say as if I need to see that to do that . I arrive at the office (The Balaclava) twenty minute before the bounce and im trying to find me mate Bernie. I ask the barman that I call mate cause I never remember his name if hes seen Bennie. He asks who? I said seen a bloke with one leg? He points to the window. Bernies one of the nicest and most generous, and also most talented and driven people ive ever met. Hes also possibly the most one eyed Pies fan I know. Ive always got time for him and great to see him at the Bala for the first time. We sit in the public bar for the pregame talk. Bern and I discuss the bumps from last weeks loss, how its seemed one rule for the Tigers and another for us. Since the Pies are playing at the GABBA Bernie tells the story of how he went to the GABBA when the Bears first formed, told me there was fuck all people so he sat in the social club, he told me they had a raffle, why is there no raffles at the G before the game ? I want that brought back. He tells me he won and the prize was a footy, and the irony of a footy being won by the only person with one leg. Bernie predicts Sidebottom, or just Bottom as he calls him to win the Brownlow and how Dusty only has a run and don/t argue bout him. Bern informs me the way to stop him is to grab his thumbs like the do in Kung Fu and twist em back and snap him. I hope Nick Maxwell is reading this and takes that onboard when we play them again this year.

Its game time. The first four minutes are a comedy of errors on both sides. So much piss farting round its aint elite football im watching here. Cox gives away a silly free, which leads to the Lions scoring first blood, Bernie calms me down and says we just need time to groove into the game. Brownlow does a great over the shoulder handball to Cox, and fuck me dead Mayne has gotten another game. Bern calls him Sideshow Bob, I remember when Fev had that stooped haircut I called him the Shag. Im bring it back and Mayne will from now on be referred to that.  Matrix goals and the Pies hit the lead 7 to 6. Howe has taken plenty of marks but hes yet to get an efficient kick. At this point Pete and Gordon come in and we now ave a quorum, and I don/t believe it the Shag goals and we/re on our way. Beams is aving a shot Bernie hopes he kicks outta bounce. I loved Beamsy when he was at the Pies, but he left for family reasons and I cant begrudge a bloke for that. Errol marks in the Lions 50 but the disposal aint great and Lions get a cheap goal. The coaches clearly didn/t get my message of kill kill kill.  The pies get one back close the quarter time to give us some breathing space, but certainly not a comfortable lead. The Lions aint gonna be pushovers today. Pete demands Razor Ray back. Given some of the calls so far I do too (never thought id live to say that). Luke Hodge moans, hes like Ric Flair. No not the Nature Boy, I meant one of the dirtiest players in the game so I got no sympathy for him.

Quarter time Pies up 26-18

As always during the break I duck out the front for a fag. I walk in and I see Brownlow has goaled, 17 second into the restart. As im writing these notes the Gooster also gaols. We/re on fire The smallest man in football is doing a lot of up and under stuff and really throwing himself round. My dad told me earlier in the day its amazing hes still held his spot the whole time. Not that hes shits, hes one of those blokes that I figured others would ave gone past him but hes one of the few Premiership players in the team. Onya wee man. Anyway Lions goal and im screaming kill kill kill as the margin is two points in a flash as the lions put on three unanswered. We cut to Bucks in the box and for a change of pace he aint happy. Pete points out theres no intensity, I think the pies expected the four points, they aint showing respect to their opponents hence the Lions are only a ick away from taking the lead. Thomas goaled to make us breathe easy. It amazes me him and Keefe missed two seasons of football while the bombers only got one. It aint right. Fuck you Hird, and also fuck you Danny Frawley who said we should rally and get behind Bomber Thompson. No sympathy here. A free is given to us for too high as Bernie pints out it’s a Hodge special. Lions score again and that takes us to the break.

Half Times Pies 63 Lions 60

As mentioned I think most people expected the Pies to get the points. Im still sure we will win but the lions ave certainly played their best game all year and the Pies are off guard. Need to make a statement this quarter

The third gets off to a bad start when Murray runs too far and gets pinned for holding the ball. Not even Auskick kids get pinned for that. I want him dragged for that and delisted and drafted to the Dingley Dingos. Or maybe just a Buck Spray. The Lions kick a point, and its pointed its their first point of the game. They kicked ten straight before a minor was lodged on the board. The Pies ave only kicked three points, a strangely accurate game so far. But mind you, you would kick ten goals when there mostly being kicked from the goal square.. Phillips gaols but almost straight after a bullshit out on the full results in a Lions goal and its a two point game. But the Gooster goals and its back to 8. I think what he did at the start of the season earned him a title of being a shit bloke, and I was disappointed he was brought back so soon, but hes been great since he came back. He can be as good as Swanny if he keeps his head down. Hopefully the suspension at seasons start was the foot up the arse he needed so badly.  After the restart Crocker kicks to Hodge and Bucks cant believe it. He was standing by himself, not even a one on one contest. Flog. Another six pointer to the Gooster and its now ten points. Cox takes a great mark but I sigh as hes out of his range, bout 45 out but he shuts me up and its now 15. I LOVE BIG COX in case I aint said that yet. . Zorko for the lions has been called the magnificent by Bernie. We all wish hed disappear. And he finally misses one. Trav Varco gets his first major and looks like  the pies are gonna run away with this, they cut to a Lions player that needs a haircut. But the Lions aint lying down and ave an answer for everything we throw at em. A few quick goals and its now two points in it. A shit kick by Crispy to a Lions player sums up the frustrations by the Pies. But a late goal by Stephenson give us a 8 point lead going into the final break. Hes had a great season and will win the Rising Start for my money.

Going into the final quarter, a bloke I ave no idea what hes purpose is, Dwayne Russel is on the tv, it flashes he played 50 games for Geelong  Wow. As far as play by play commentators go don/t know another that is more universally panned. Hes just awful. FOX FOOTY has so much clutter on their list. I aint big on Gary Lyon either. The Hyphen lobs it into the 50, that aint the Collingwood style. Back and forward play there as the Samurai kicks inside 50 and a beautiful mark by the Gooster makes it 14 points, and does the first to 100 rule apply now as we/ve reached the ton first. A great passage of play is ruined by a Murray kick and within a piss break the balls is at the Lions end but they score a poster. We run up the other end and the Hyphen goals and its 19. Sidie kicks what we call a crucial point to male it 20.The lions are awarded a tripping free kick even though he dropped the fucking ball. And its back to 14. Bernie remains calm and says we/ll win and we/re going for percentage. Fucking Zorko is back, hes played great. Dwayne Russel calls him the Magnificent, the prick stole Bernies name and the magic guy goals. All of a sudden its a three point game with not much more to go the Lions chip away and score a point, Pascie walks in to open his mouth but Pete beats him to it and says SHUT UP and thats the last we see of Pascie and within that times its a one point game. With five minutes to go. Somehow we get the ball up the other end and a great mark by the Gooster and hes got his fifth and its the pies by seven. The Shag gets a touch and hes been alright this week. Hope he gets another game. The lions kick a point and Beams goals. DRAW. We/re on the edge of our seat. The lions take it up their end but thankfully its out on the full. But the other end the Shag gets a crucial point. The Shag has earned his 2 million with that point. Then Stephens scores PIES BY SEVEN. After the restart we get a free and its game over.

What a hard fought win, I don/t think anyone expected the Lions to play as hard and unforgiving as they did. We made mistakes and they made us pay. If we play like that against the Cats we could be in trouble. Despite the big loss the week beeofre we played much better the week before.  The last few years inconsistency has been a major issue for the Pies. With a pretty decent list on the field the Pies should ave had it wrapped up by the third quarter.  We need to lift for next week. After the game me and Bernie chat some more but as soon as we see Danny Frawley stoopid face we leave. Hes wearing some kind of hat. Can someone in power please tell him hes not funny. I push on to the Dogs and am greeting by more Collingwood quorum in Fred, Rob (wearing a beautiful black shirt with white dots), John and Richard who is playing for the Collingwood wheelchair footy team. They had a win so top day all round for the Pies. Elizabeth has a great new haircut and army hat I feel the need to salute everytime I see her.  GG is there but still no glasses, but he asks the question has there been a better song written since My Pal. Maybe I Stand Bare by the powder Monkeys but would be a short list. Penny, Jeff and Brett are here, and also Bernie with two legs is here. Like Bernie 1, I always ave time for him.  Fred also tells me of a book involving a bunch of dying people in hospital in communist Russia talking one at a time. He informs me its not a comedy.

So I think I ave a sign off line, im Matt Ryan, I aint much but at least I aint Danny Frawley. I/ll work on that


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Munsters Footy Rant Intro/Round 5 Summary Vs Essendon

Round 5 – Collingwood Vs Essendon

Collingwood 14.17.101

Essendon 7.10.52

Fred has asked me and Richard to be this websites football correspondence, on top of being the in-house rock jurno. As a kid I always wanted to be Mike Sheahan, i wanted to do his top 50 twice a year and all that in  the Hun. Then I realized his top 50s where rubbish and his chat show on FOX is the football version of 60 Minutes, so whatever the anti Mike Sheahan is thats what I want to be. Now being a mad pies fan Fred has roped in two other fanatical fans. So if you/re expecting some fair and balanced assessment of the game and results, your reading the wrong blog son. So basically this will be me reviewing every Pies game and the surroundings of whats happening during the game. Please dont expect any fair and balanced reporting.  We use nicknames for a lot of the players which I will use on this blog, so heres a list of players and nicknames just to get the formalities out the way.

Nathan Buckley – Shoehorn/Bucks

Alex Fasolo – Faz

Jordan De Goey –The Gooster

Bordie Grundy – The Samurai/the Barista

Jamie Elliott – Billy Elliot

Tyson Goldsack –The Sack/Flop

Adam Treloar – Brownlow

Scott Pendelbury – Matrix

Jarryd Blair- Bilbo/Smallest man in Football

Lynden Dunn- Twiggy

Callum Brown – Son of Rowdy

Tom Phillips Screwdriver

Will Hoskin-Elliott –Hyphen

Brayden Maynard – Maynard G Crabs

The usually Collingwood quorum consists of Me Fred my host on this website and Pete our CEO who I report too. People come and go. Jackie, Rob, Sean and Garry ave all ben part of the group and whichever opposition fans can put up with us for more than 15 minutes. Not cause we/re feral or anything like that, it’ the clip claps.

When I first joined the group, I was not told there was a procedure that happens after every goal. First we high five, then we click our fingers. But now this season we ave a new features. A cha cha cha. Where we bang the table or clap ourselves. Originally the cha cha cha was meant to be our own thing but we usually just go banging the table. Some players ave their own move if they score, the Hyphen we bang elbows, Billy Elliot we dance, bottoms are involved for Sidebottom, the only bloke with a Carry On name. Since where starting at round four, FIVE a quick summary of the first FOUR rounds


Round one was the usual disappointment against the Hawks. I don/t want to get depressed so early so i/ll leave that summary there.

Round two was a solid effort but we didn/t get the points so was a poor result, considering we were winning at one stage in the final quarter. One good thing was that me Fred and Pete were together at our living room in the Balaclava. Watching the game for the first time this year. It was the same story as the last few years, so close but aint good enough, and the commentators keep saying its an admiral loss, which im sick of hearing. The highlight was when Jason Dunstall said its anyone game at half time when it was five points the margin. Chief, there could be thirty seconds to go and it still would be anyones game.

Round three was more like it. Finally a win. And against the blue baggers. Made the win even sweeter. This time Gordon of Hanksaw fame joined us. The clip claps were in fine form. A nice lady who works at the Balaclava came out and said she liked it better when we were losing. She was so mystified she grabbed St Kildas best barman Mad Rad to see our shenanigans. The Hyphen played a fantastic game. Then I saw on Saturday the Pies twos smashed the Blues twos the next day. Billy Elliot kicked five. We need him back, mostly as we can dance after a Billy goal.

Round four was an outstanding effort, beating the crows on the road and by eight goals, and the story was five goals to Jaidyn Stephens in only his second game of seniors

So on to ANZAC Day. Always a big day and for the most part its either been a ripping game of football or one side makes a statement. I remember me dad taking me to the pool on the first ANZAC Game between the pies and the Dons in 1995 when I was six. My dad screamed at the radio as our margin kept decreasing as time in the last quarter. My hero Sav Rocca put on a clinic kicking 9, but the game ended in a draw. Despite where either team is on the ladder both teams seem to bring there A game. ANZAC Day highlights ave included Wee Mans goal in the dying stages of the 2014 game to give us the win, and Big Cox, Mason that is, being blooded in 2016. Bruce Mcavaney inn  todays coverage mentions how Cox has been the best experiment in football since Jim Stynes.  Really? Don’t remember Tadhg Kennelly? Bloke played in a flag for fuck sake. Theres gonna be plenty of commentary on the commentary.

For this once again the quorum is myself, Fred Pete and Gordon, and GG, Waz and Ange are with us. Waz despite being a Saints man is cheering GO DONS, for fans of professional wresting hes playing the heel role today. Collingwood royalty Nat Mcguane is in the front bar. The “best” of the 80s is playing loudly on the radio as we focus on the game, it takes GGs arrival and trying to find Linda that we finally get rid of the tunes, also we ave to move the table three times for latecomers, myself being one of them, im sure this is the same pressure and frustration that AFL players feel every time they take the field. . So at 3:20PM, the ball is bounced, well not this time.

We are given a free kick to start proceedings. Best way to start the game, unfortunately a rushed behind is the result. Ben Reid makes thirty meters out a minute later. The angle aint a problem yet he still hits the post. Bucks drops is phone as to day I could ave hit that. Essendon capitalize and kick a goal straight away and another five minutes later. The last six-eight minutes has been all the Dons and the Pies need a goal fast. Enter my man the Hyphen. Ripping goal from the great man, we hi five, we click, we bang elbows and we cha cha cha and we/re on our way6. The Gooster playing his second game back from suspension kicks his first and the Pies hit the front briefly. Another goal to the Dons but two rippers from the man with a Carry ON name Sidebottom gives us the lead going into the first break. The second was one of his best, a brilliant snap after aving thought the ball either hit the post or went over for a behind. An Essendon player moaned it was touched, but it aint. He then tried to kick in but wasn/t til he saw the screen that it been paid a goal. Flog, but he wasn/t the biggest Essendon flog this day. Going into the main break it’s the Pies 45 to 28. The Bombers only managed one goal, but it took us ten minutes to kick a major. The Bombers are still in it but not because their playing well, because we/ve kick poorly and aint converted.  So many goo players, Brownlow, the Hyphen Matrix and the big Cox ave all done well.


Brendon Godard is making a right twat of himself  All good to give your players a spray if your underperforming, but when you/ve had a quiet day and the players aint taking it too well you just look like a wanker. As pointed out he was probably screaming I should be captain, or that wouldn/t ave happened if I was captain. GG then mentions the unforgettable scene where he hit the lollies off the tables when he played his 300th game. I thought it was lollies, but GG says pretzels. Jon Ralph at the end of the coverage says who could forget pretzel gate. I could be wrong but I swear it was lollies. For the record Pete says he likes pretzels while Fred says nay.

Third quarter starts with more brilliance. Stephenson and big Cox goal, while Stringer and Daniher miss easy shots. Its looking harder for the Bombers to come back from here. Bruce says the Bombers forward line is like the Bermuda Triangle. I find that a weird analogy considering none of the Essendon forward line has disappeared. Bruce also does something where he says the same word three times in a row. When the Dons kicked it out on the full he says no no no. As if we didn/t hear it the first time.  Highlight  was when Leigh Matthews say scores are doubled when the pies where 63 and Essendon where 33. Other commentary things to take note are calling Andrew McGrath the package. He had a good five minutes and stopped. The Package is damaged good. The other line that mystified the table was saying the Pies escorted the ball to the other end of the ground. In all my years of watching football ive never heard that. Is it a Grey St escort? Stupid line.

Fourth quarter was more the same. Pies kicked goals, Essendon didn/t Goddard is a twat/ And Pies are fifth after the win. Lifes pretty sweet right now. Sidebottom The hyphen and Big Cox all ave solid final quarters. Gonna be hard to award the medal.

Siren sounded and its the pies by 49.

Brownlow is most deserving of the ANZAC Medal, but a few others on the field could lay claim to it. Reminds me of when Ben Johnson won many years back and he was announced as Craig Johnson. Godard should get a reward for all his whinging, a trip to the twos maybe? And also a top game from Scott Pendelbury, Mike Sheahan, my nemesis said at the start of the year that Scott is no longer an A Grade player. Hes played three good games in a row and still in top form, so Mike, fuck you and the horse you road in on. Stick to hosting a football chat show and not asking football questions..

A top win by the Pies. The second half of the year looks pretty good draw wise, but the next five games are crucial. The Defending champs next week will be a big test to see where we/re at. Also Saints and Lions to come. They should be Ws next to our names for those games yet in the past these are games we dropped so we cant afford to drop em if we are gonna ave a run at September.  Its taken almost 60 rounds but the Pies are in the 8. AND IM LOVING IT. Lets see if we can go for a fourpeet on Sunday.


Scotty Palmer had a sign off line, keep punching, id like a line to end things off too. Im gonna work on that in the coming round, in the meantime ill end with………..


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Munsters Footy Rant Round 8 v Geelong

Now. Onto business first. Last week I mentioned GG asked the question has there been a better song written since My Pal, but I failed to mention the biggest question asked last week which was by Pete, our beloved CEO. He asked when did you first love Daryl Brathwaite? Sherbs, Highway or Sherbet?  Please leave your answer in the comments. And also thanks to Dirge Rockman for the kind words on this blog. He also suggested that I review the Dane Swan Sex tape. I might save that to the off season as i/ll need something to do during the six month break.

We/re in the final of our threepeat of pussy teams. Loss to the Tigers, win over the Lions, now onto the final team Geelong. We ave a good record over the Pussy Cats in recent years. Sure they got their new recruit DD (what my friend Jo calls Dangerfield to make him sound less dangerous), he gets plenty of it but just cant kick it to a target. Overrated much? Yes. .And also recruited G Ablett back (speaking of Ablett what happened to his less talented brother? He is the Chuck Cunningham of that family), really speaks well of there youth recruiting down at the Cattery. So after a narrow win against a team that is yet to register four points the Pies need a big one today.

The last time I went to a Cats game I made an appearance in Freds Pub strip, theres a drawing of me talking to Bucks (drawn as a shoehorn) on the phone telling Jack Frost to Kill Tom Hawkins. Hawkins had a quiet game that day so my job was done, it was a great play and the Pies got up And hes out today, so whose gonna kick their goals? A friend of mine asked if she could come into he members with me. I said yes. Of course I woke up that morning with a hangover and slept in so I rushed to get to the G however when I got to the ground twenty minutes before game time, I got a call from her, she was still in St Kilda. She said she was in an UBER and on her way in twenty. I knew that wasn/t going to happen. I got angry waiting outside as I hear crowd cheer after cheer. I ran inside and say we were up five goals to zero. She didn/t arrive at the ground til five minutes into the second quarter. We were up seven goals to two in the first quarter. She said sorry a bunch of times but I could hardly hide my annoyance, late to the footy is number one on my shit list. Im yet to invite her, or anybody for that matter back to the footy.

I aint joining my regulars at the Balaclava, instead im watching the game at Dingley ,at me ma and dads house for mothers day. As I arrive im greeted with the news Matrix is out and Billy Elliot hurt himself in the VFL. I hope Ma had a good day cause sounds like im not with news like that. Sarah Jones on the Foxtel coverages throws to the Seven call and she hopes all the mums ave a good day. First voice I hear is Hamish McLachlan, or Steve Stiffler, so I guess theres no hope of that happening. Yes just awful, a smug git with no talent that pretty much has a job cause of his brother, and I aint big on him either. Come across like Dumb and Dumber. Bounce and we/re away. I hear a caller I don/t recognize and its none other than shit bloke all-round Luke Hodge. He calls the tackling pressure by the Cats great, yet that second the stats come up and its two tackles to zero. Hope his coaching will be better than his “expert commentary”. A trip on Murray sees us given a 50 but its wasted. G Ablett is playing, as Fred said the other night they/ll keep selecting him even when its just his head. He/ll still get 13123123124 Brownlow votes a game. Cats ave had five inside 50s but yet to goal, and the ball has barely been up our end. Hyphen (my man) handballs to the Shag, standing by himself so of course hes pinned. Can we get a refund on him? This leads to Abletts head avaing a shoot but misses. Sidie grabs it and is called electric by BT, The Hyphen almost takes a screamer. At this point ma and dad come home, I tell dad bout the Hyphen and he scoffs saying almost aint good enough. Errol takes a nice grab, very impressed with his three games so far. Best three game debut ever. The Shag cops a don/t argue. Thats his 50,000 grand for the game earned as Abletts head kicks out on the full. Big cox marks but a drop leads to a turn over and the Cats get the first goal. . An awful passage of play sees Trav and Brownlow fuck up, kicks to a bloke on the mark, its just amateur hour here. And Wells kicks a point. Cant do anything right here. Selwood kicks out on the full Hodge tries to say that the fans will be happy. He truly is the worst bloke. Phillips marks but given a bump afterwards and awarded 50 and BT says it aint right. You cant hit him after the fact. Wrong BT. We cut to Chris Scott in his whinging manner saying what for. He seems like a bloke I wouldn/t ave a beer with. We score and its pies down 9 to 16.BT says the cats ave been impressive, yet are only ahead by seven points. Doesn/t sound impressive to me. So good to discuss footy with dad in the break. We say this year could be a wasted year for Elliot like last. We like son of rowdy and Murry. Last weeks game is brought up and dad says how the Lions where always gonna bring it for us, like the Saints will bring there A game next week

As the second quarter starts Hodge calls a Cats player Blitzarse. So we now ave two AFL players with Carry On Names behind Sidebottom. I wish Collingwood would recruits a Bristols Big Cox takes a ripper mark but cant convert. If he just had to take marks hed be a legend, unfortunately he has to kick after. A poor holding the ball is given against us, thankfully Crameri cant convert from 30 out. Hodge takes time to suck up to the Cats, probably wishing he went there instead of Brisbane, saying how all the older guys are round and the younger guys are helping em, all I hear is old guys are there, get out of the way give a kid a go I think. Shit bloke. The hyphen handballs to Crocker and misses, and im amazed where seven points down considering how little time we/ve had it in out 50. Hyphen marks, dad tells me he doesn/t care for him. Hes trying to upset me as he knows he my man, Howe is given a shit free against him and Hodge says the umpires are favouring the forwards, but also says Twiggy had the same thing happen to him yet no free. Never thought id say thins but THANK YOU HODGE. Cant remember the last time we had it in our 50, the Samurai goes for a mark but ball is punched, Hyphen grabs a mark and his punched in his ribs by DD, god hes overrated, and he gets a 50 for his trouble, misses and still no ones scored a goal this quarter. The Shag gets another touch, that probably means he/ll probably get a game next week. Hodge is pumping up the pressure of the Cats, but they aint scored a goal and its been up there end most of the quarter, god he sucks. Selwood rushed it and gets booed, BT is geez even on Mothers Day he gets booed. Yes BT hes that big a cunt he gets booed on Mothers Day, and while im at it Fuck that other cunt Stevie J. I had to say it.. So the Cats get a goal with 90 second to go, and G Abletts head get a goal with sixty to go and a quarter of keeping the cats quarter is ruined. Mothers Day is ruined, though I probably already did with the bad language that I know mum wouldn/t like.

Half Time Cats up 31 to 12

I aint at the pub so I cant go for a smoko, so im getting another coffee, this is no way to watch the footy. So with no smoko I give mum her Ma day present. I got her Hemingways Death in the Afternoon but she pulls the book out and the PJ Harvey CD come out of the Readling bag and the CD case smashes. Now the day is ruined. Moore is injured, and the day is getting worse. But third quarter starts alright as Phillips- goals but a dog act knee to the head as hes tackled means hes out for the game. Our goal kicker is gone and im bout ready to quit but I aint at the pub so I guess I gotta just watch it out. Gooster goals quickly and its back to seven points. Steve Stiffler says the Pies ave kicked two goals in seven minutes, trying to make it seem like thats impressive. DD gets a pretty weak free kick, I guess hes gotta get a touch somehow. He goals and back to 13 points. The cats go forward and BT and Hammer are orally blowing DD, but he missed the ball twice. Overrated. Shit tap by Samurai leads to cats goal and its 44 to 25. Stiffler mentions Errol saying that his name is like a character out of a Roger and Hammerstein play, trying to make out hes clever. Stiffler, stick to interviewing the Auskick kids where the kids clearly dont like you. Sling tackle on Hyphen yet no free, last week Pete said it now I am, I want Razor back. Wells is playing ok according to BT even though hes had one kick and it was a point, but Hyphen goals and I prove to dad hes alright. Brownlow just misses and its 52 to 32, dad mentions hes had three misses all from the run, cats take it up the other end and Twiggy is slammed to the ground, we cant buy a free today.  Crocker misses. Sigh. An amazing passage of play with Hyphen and Brownlow gets me and dad out of our chairs but Crispy misses, didn/t reward the play. Stiffler says that if we goal it will be a two point game. Thanks im struggling with basic maths today you dick. Time for one last play, Sidie has an amazing run, kicks to Brownlow but he doesn/t centre and instead has a run from the boundary and misses and that takes us to three quarter time.

Pies down 52 to 35.

Its announced you could win a kick with an AFL star but it doesn/t say who. In the 1995 footy variety tv show four quarters did that (remember that? Just before the footy on friday nights)Howe takes a great mark but kick is shit, Hodge says he didn/t think, just like Hodge when he went to Brisbane, Wells misses as well. BT says the Pies need three goals to get the lead but he then says we really need five goals just to give us some breathing space. Thanks BT, I wasn/t aware more goals would lead to a bigger lead. . Cats goal, hey BT how many goals now? Gooster misses from the restart, Wells misses again, the cats kick in and dads point out every kick had been straight down the ground, will the Pies learn and ave an answer? No and they take it to their 50 and score. Samurai goals to get it back to 20. Stiffler points out we need a few goals and points to take the lead. Which shit private school did he attend? Dad calls Twiggy an accident in waiting. Taylor Adam does a shit dribble kick from 30 meters out and its too far to score from that distance. He needs a week in the VFL. BT takes time to talk the royal wedding and I finally put the tv on mute. We do a bunch of fast handballs, where was this all game? Abletts head is mentioned gets 30 touches, and games over.

After the game I try and be the good son and take ma out for dinner. During which I bring up the Sherbs, Sherbet and Highway discussion and he lays it out for me and I lose interest. Im back in St Kilda of to Dogs for Jack Howard and the Long Lost Brothers. Drummer Cal is out the front and I ave a quick chat and we are joined by Fiona and Lomas, who later touches my left tit. The regulars are here, my dear mates are all here. Me and Terry are excited bout Kid Congo on Thursday, Sam Terry and Bernie (two legs) all raise a glass to KISS. Joanna is wearing a beautiful Russian hat,  Jo, Gabe, Olga, Sally, Jeff and Brett are all here, ace to see so many brilliant people. The band as always is great, Fiona Lee Maynard doing Say Goodbye gets everyone up and dancing. After two pints (a quiet game day for me) dinner isn’t sitting well with the beer so I tap out home.

Lomas says if we finish top eight he/ll be happy. If we don/t play well against the Saints I think we can kiss finals goodnight. Neither team I thought was impressive, the Cats certainly didn/t butcher their chances like we did. Need to lift otherwise it will be another wasted season.

With that im Matt Ryan, and at least im not Danny Frawley


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Ten Rules of rock and roll according to Robert Forster


Many years ago a compilation Book called the Ten Rules of Rock n Roll was released. It was a collection of Robert Forsters music reviews/articles for the Monthly. He was an amazing critic and one of the best music writers ive ever read. I loved how in the introduction he mentioned when he was approached for the gig he said the only writing he had ever done outside of music was writing a hair care article for a zine. I think I need to do a hair acre article on this site, plugging the joys of the beer wash, and seriously come to the Bala and touch my hair and feel the results. At the back of the book Rob actually gives us the list of the ten rules of rock n roll according to him. So heres my two cents on Robs rules, what he got right what he got wrong and my own ten rules of Rock n Roll

Never follow an artist who describes his or her work as “dark”.

Yeah don/t know bout that Rob. You wrote some dark stuff yourself so do you count yourself on this list? Nothing wrong with being dark or calling your work dark. Unless you/re that bloke from Mayhem Dead, you know the silly fucker that would take the clothing he was going to wear on stage and put them in the dirt the night before so he his clothes you smell of death. He did a lot of other stoopid shit. Thats probably the point when you need to cheer the fuck up, other then that, darks alright with me.

The second last song on every album is the weakest

For me track one or three is usually the best. Usually track two is the weakest for me, but the second last is for me usually a filler.

Great bands tend to look alike

No they don/t. No one should look alike in a band. No one at our table at the Balaclava looks a like, if they did there would be problems. TISM all had the same costumes, but I could tell the difference between each member due to the shape of their eyebrows. Each member should ave their own style and look, and not look like the person next to them. Wrong again Rob.

Being a rock star is a 24 hour a day job

Couldn/t agree more. Tim Rogers, Fred Negro, Stacey Pommer all embody this.

The band with the most tattoos has the work songs

Thirty years ago Rose Tattoo would ave had the most tattoos and they certainly didn/t write the worst songs. But now everyone has em, and all this mainstream “punk bands” are covered from head to toe in em, so today I would say yes I agree with that statement.

No band does anything new after the first twenty minutes

Nah hes wrong. Play a few classics, then wait until 20 minutes in to play your first new tune. The oldies to keep em focused, then hit em with the new stuff while there on a high. Wonder where the Forst man is getting his info from. Mind you as much as I love his work he never came across as Mr Rock n Roll. I doubt KISS wrote Rock n Roll all night after the Go Betweens.

The guitarist who changes guitars on stage after every third number is showing you his guitar collection.

This doesn/t sit well with me when I see this. Three guitars is the maximum amount of guitars someone should bring to a gig. You don/t need to change your guitar every song. Its wasting time and shows what a wanker you are.

Every great artist hides behind their manager

How many managers can you name? And how many of them are cunts? Malcom McLaren, Colonel Tom, Glenn Wheatley. Name a nice manager that is also well known? The best managers are the ones you never hear from, and the rock star is the one up front and centre.

Great bands don’t have members making solo albums.

Why? He should ave really justified this list Rob. Just because he wasn/t making solo albums when the Go Betweens were together doesn/t mean others shouldn/t do it. As long as solo/side projects don/t conflict with their main band I saw Go for it. The solo LPs by Blackie from the Hard Ons and Buzzo from the Melvins may not be there best work, but it shows how brilliant they are as musos as it shows them in a different setting, striped back and out of their comfort zone they can still make incredible music. More music the better, solo records are alright by me.

The three piece band is the purist form of rock and roll

The three piece is fucking great, just the bare basics, one guitar bass and drums. Most three pieces are raw and rough which I love. I think either the three piece or the five, with a frontman, two guitars a bass player and drummer are the most pure form of rock n roll.


And now heres Matty Munster ten rules of rock and roll

  1. No band should charge more than $30 for a t shirt
  2. Never be a fuck up on stage. Playing pissed or however fucked up is not cool and disrespectful to your audience. Off stage, whatever I don/t care. Do what you want
  3. With the exception of Dave Moll, no one should leave the stage to take a piss break during a set.
  4. Never play in a venue where the price of a pint is more than $11.
  5. No band that has been together for six months or less should play more than twenty minutes.
  6. If you/re making one album every ten years its time to give up, its shouldn/t take more than two years to write a new LP
  7. The best music comes from the rudest people.
  8. No LP should go longer than 40 minutes
  9. Encores shouldn/t go longer than two songs. Leave the people wanting more, make them buy your release or feel like they ave to come to the next gig.
  10. Don/t be a cunt


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Lydia Lunch


In a career that has run over 30 years that covers music, spoken words, literature, acting and photography, Lydia Lunch has explored the dark side of human nature in various forms and also in different takes. Sure her work at times aint pretty, but in the dark nature of humanity there is also a lot of beauty, and no one does it better than Lydia. Her no wave meets cock rock band Big Sexy Noise which formed in 2009, is possibly her best work yet. Lydia also has a retrospective group Retrovirus playing songs from her back catalogue she never got to play back in the day.

Lydia: Im in Brooklyn, yeah the day is great, the night will be better though. Thanks for getting up so early (For the record it was 8AM Melbourne time)

Munster: I don/t sleep much so its no big deal to be up early.

Lydia: Hello, me too buddy alright great, we/re on the same page with that.

Munster: Retrovirus is your latest project how did that come bout and why did you want to do a career retrospect?

Lydia: well I had written an introduction for somebodys book on t shirts, and I never wear t shirts. The fashion institute of LA wanted to do a show event and I needed to put together a band, and since this was a retrospective of t shirts I thought I would put together a retrospective group. So I contracted Bob Bert whose one of my oldest and dearest friends, who has been in Sonic Youth Pussy Galore and Chrome Cranks. And then Weasel Walter volunteered for guitarist. So off we went then Tim Dahl came onbaord. And we/ve been doing it ever since. Whats interesting to me is that ive done so much music that people ave never heard because a lot of times I would record an LP and never got the chance to tour it. So its interesting bringing new life to the material and making it coherent somehow, and a reflection of my personal dystopia a guess.

Munster: these records you recorded but never got the chance to tour, did you just not get the chance to tour back in those days, were you ever offered to play ATP with any of these LPs?

Lydia: ive released everything ive ever recorded but I just never got the chance to tour. First I can see the concept and when I was doing records in the 70s and early 80s there just wasn/t the chance to tour it, and some of the stuff maybe wasn/t meant to be played live, booking agencies and all this nonsense and i was focusing on spoken word at the time. Some of the material hasn/t even been played live, so it made it interesting to me. And since i ave a wealth of material I can always change what we/re doing. And it brings a different vibe to it all because of the musicians. Its hard to find a guitar player but Weasel volunteered and he could go between a Robert Quine and Rowland S Howard. I mean thats a big call doing these songs. I wasn/t sure we could pull it off but Weasel can do it.

Munster: whats it like playing these songs years even decades after they were written?

Lydia: well whats interesting to me is how much about physical pain and emotional dilemma I mean there is a theme running though this work like there is with most people. But the most exciting thing is songs with a more violent edge. Theres more freedom now and you/re just going by instinct the first twenty years and it just goes from there.

Munster: One of your more recent projects Big Sexy Noise I really enjoyed, how did that come about?

Lydia: I loved Big Sexy Noise too and we/re doing some shows and id love to bring it to Australia. I was doing performances with Kerry Edwards and d Ian White, and Ian White and I were standing at a poetry festival and Ian said we need to start a rock band and I said yeah something Big and Sexy and Noisy and so we went from there. There great footage of us at Bootfest of us online. I wanted to do something that was outlandishly rock kind of mama, and some of the words, which was very exciting to me , which were piss takes of the usual, because its very cock rock, but crack the cock rock (Munster chuckles). Titles like Mother man coming while the bed is still warm and Your Love Don’t pay my Fucking Rent.

Munster: are you a fan noise rock?

Lydia: im not really interested in doing noise rock I consider what I do no wave.

Munster:  when I spoke with James Chance I asked him about No wave and he said he was just doing what he was doing and didn/t consider what he was doing revolutionary, whats your take on the birth of No Wave?

Lydia: well the thing about no wave was that every group sounded completely different and it was abolishing the tradition of what inspired us. A lot of no wave came from New York and it was based on personal torcher and personal insanity so the most interesting thing bout it was how diverse it was. Of course you never set out to start a movement when you/re doing something but its a movement in retrospect. A bunch of bands that were unknown where lumped together as they were the most extreme of the genre

Munster: what was James Chance like when you played with him in Teenage Jesus and the Jerks?

Lydia: well James took me in, I was a run away on the lamb and at one point he took me in. He wanted me to do spoken word in New York but there was no vehicle to do it, after seeing the band Mars which is one of my favourite no wave bands I decided to start a band which was mostly instrumental; despite the fact I was doing spoken word. James was running hot while I was doing something cold specific brutal. It was early on I decided he needed to start his own band and shortly after that he started the Contortions. He liked to mingle with the audience, I liked to set up a divide, it was brutal and violent. That lasted ten or fifteen minutes a set and thats all that was needed.

Munster: Do you ave any memories playing with Rowland at the Greyhound?

Lydia: well we did a few tours so I ave no specific memories. We did a few tours of Europe and an Australian tour, it was always a pleasure to work with him. He was so good natured funny and romantic and sweet, just a fantastic musician and human. Every note so perfectly placed. And also working with his brother Harry, that was fantastic every note he uttered forth was immaculate. He had a great scenes of humour we had a great time. Hes very underrated and probably still is but we know how special he was.

Munster: Do you feel hes become more famous and well know since he passed away?

Lydia: that doesn/t always happen in  death and if it takes death to happened whatever. But it doesn/t always play itself that way. It takes a long time for people to catch on to anything thats good unless you do the same thing over and over. He has such a great discography but he wasn/t the forefront even though he was an important part of those bands, especially the Birthday Party, everybody wants to know what the singers doing. Whatever (both laugh). Snide. (Munster Chuckles). I love it when you chuckle. Keep chuckling my friend.

Munster: for you my friend anything. We/ve discussed music and spoken word, but you also write and done a bit of acting and also a photographer, is there a medium that you prefer doing your message across?

Lydia: I think its down to spoken word and photography. Music is a machine gun to the form of my words. At the time there was no forum for spoken word at the time, so I curated a lot of shows, and the places we booked we would do it for the first, and sometimes last time at that venue. I think the word is the most important thing, no matter what form it takes, whether its the title of a photo or the lyrics to the song, its all down to what the point is.

Munster: In your book Will Work for Drugs you had a great interview with Hubert Selby Jr and you also did shows with him, for me he was the greatest writer and any of his novels could be the greatest ever, what did you learn from his work? .

Lydia: well there are a few things, his stamina. At 15 he was in the marines and he almost died, his first book took seven years to write, he had to write it twice.  He had four of the best novels in the history of American literature when I met him and went on tour with him in the 80s he was working as an accountant at a university or something ridiculous like that. In death hes found fame and fortune at least. His books are bout true experiences thats happened in the depts. of psychotic Brooklyn from the 60s and 70s. Requiem for a Dream is one of the best books and films. It breaks down of emotion, its really a nervous wreck of a book and movie. He just, he told me at one point it took him fifteen years to write one book because there was like a ghost in a hallway that wouldn/t let him do it. So I think the fact the work was so important to him even if he had to write the book in seven years he was dealing with real human emotion and confronting that in a fictional way that was based on reality. Was really privilege to know him.

Munster: he was one of those writers, and I hate it when people say forget everything you know, but he was that guy that made me realize yes I should forget everything you know and do whatever you want.

Lydia: Henry Miller as well. Which is why I love a lot of his books, he could make a run on sentence run for two pages. Literature has always been the most important thing for me and inspires me, and words are the most important thing.

Munster: do you ave any new books coming out soon?

Lydia: I ave a book of essays thats getting released this year which is ten spans, not political more history and creative, im excited to ave it out, its important during these times. Thats whats next. Im always doing spoken word shows, im doing shows with Weasel Walter as Brutal Measures with his improve drumming, we/re hoping to squeeze a show in Australia.

Munster: would you say all your work is autobiographical?

Lydia: I think ive written three fiction pieces in my life so its based on my reality and finding a way to survive knowing other people feel the same or had similar experiences. Im dealing with political, dealing with the expression of the enemy  against there bullshit and trying to find, using statistics, not that any number is ever fucking true because who knows where the numbers are coming from but trying to target verbally the way they target us with all kinds of ammo. So its all very personal.

Munster: Do you ave a favourite Fall LP?

Lydia: No I don/t. I liked Mark E Smith but they had one album that went for thirty years didn/t they?

Munster: well not really I disagree.

Lydia: I begged Mark to do spoken word with me for ten years and when he did he was so drunk it was a disaster I was quite disappointed. They were deconstructionists, I liked the lyrics when I could hear them, they were their own genre and I respected them for that.

Munster: what year the spoken word gig?

Lydia: early 90s.

Munster: and in closing whats your favourite brand of fags?

Lydia: (pauses and laughs) well whatever is on sale at duty free I guess. I know there expensive in Australia so I won/t be buying any there thank you very much.

Munster: stock up at the airport

Lydia: I will, I don/t like to promote my vices otherwise this interview would take another page.

Munster: (chuckles) Lydia thanks for…..

Lydia: theres that chuckle again im counting on you Matt for this to be a chuckle filled interview.

Munster: I promise you it will. Lydia thanks for your time.

Lydia: Thanks Matt, go back to bed.

Lydia Lunch Retrovirus tours Oz in June

Wend 13 June: The Tote





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