Qualifying Final v Cats

Now. The best teams and players always lift when it comes to September and you see blokes giving it all and it/s a time when legends are born and made. This rant has nothing to do with that, don/t expect any extra effort from me. And after watching this game theres no extra effort from the callers as well as BT Bruce and Richo were in Steller awful form. After a week off (can someone please tell me why we ave this stoopid bye week, im yet to head a good reason why) it/s down to the last eight. After a season where ive read it all, Pies for Flag, Pies no Good, Pies to miss the 8, GG has lost the Tables award at Awards night (thats from the CEO) its all been said and written, but we got the double chance. Despite a poor July we ended the year on decent form. Some interesting selections going into the Cats game, the Gooster, Sidie and the prodigal son Idiot Pamela are all back while Scharenberg with the Lot, Madgen and Trav out. Interesting selection three forwards for three defenders. Trav has been up and down but hes the X Factor that we need in finals, but Idiot Pamela is a big in as hes been the bloke we/ve missed the most but one VFL game in three months is hardly a good run around the field. So im expecting the unexpected tonight, I just hope the cops and ambos aint gonna make a cameo tonight at the Balaclava.

I arrive at Surabaya Johnnys at 6:30 to meet Fred so we can escort him to the Bala. Fred and Dave play another cracking set. Connor is here as a Tigers fan he tells me he hopes both teams tonight beat the shit out of each other. The lovely Jo arrived at 7, and gives me a most thoughtful present a Magpie for the front yard. She tells me I ave to name him. I call him Sabu. Jos also wearing a Pies scarf and the $2 Shop Pies socks I brought her and the whole crew one season. . Dave has me on Timekeepers duty. I give Fred the five minute warning as we leave Johnnys at 7:32PM and we/re off. The CEO Pete informs me he/ll meet us at the Bala. A perfect bolt as we arrive with four minutes to spear enough to get a beer, but sadly not enough for a fag.

Mark, John Jackie and Owen are here, the lovely Elizabeth makes a cameo wishing us a good night

As I run to the bar Dermie says this is the big one. Isn/t the nig one in four weeks time? Jo has called it. We/ll get the first kick, and goal. We get the first kick, onya Jo. Jo has also coined Dangerfield DD as it makes him sound less dangerous, an excellent name that suits him. Linda has kindly booked the room for us with the tables in an amazing set up, so shes making a late charge for Awards night. Levi goes 50 but is pinned Brownlow to Billy Idiot Pamela has plenty of options and finds Dole Cheque who is pushed by DD, and hes off, his first moan of the night as Dole Cheque gets a free, Roughead is the target but two cats beat him. Adams Brownlow soccers it to go 50 cats all over it but they kick to the Hyphen who finds Speedboy short pass to Billy 40 out. Good diving mark but a bad kick 1-0. Matrix given a free leads to nothing. And fuck me Richo makes a good comment. I was in such shock I forgot to write it down. Pamela to Billy no mark is hit and rushed for another minor. Bruce says the Pies are putting the Cats to the fire. ITS FIVE MINUTES IN. Free to the Cats Fuck off Razor. Matrix taps to the Shag cats punch the ball out. Samurai to Speedboy Adams 30 out BANG 8-0. With more Pies then usual the hi 5s are a bit all over the shop. Im giving that effort a 12. We recall the Age Article where they call Pendlebury Matrix, we ask who called him that first? I heard Pete n Fred call him matrix and went with that. I don/t know who called it but im guessing the Age stole it from us. People asked if I read that article. I asked if my name was in the Age on that particular day, when I found out no I said why would I bother with that? Shag to Brownlow Noble kicks to G Ablett 3 votes Matrix hold him up Pamela beats two finds Billy back to Pamela Billy goes bang and we dance 14-0. Waz enters he tells me Jess says Go Cats. I tell him to tell her Pies. He says he aint going back to the Bowlo .Straightway Pamela goes the hack brilliant start 20-0. Crisp holds the ball just outta the cats 50 Pies, Ablett is booed. This bloke liked a hate post and has held the media and fans in contempt his whole career so I ave no sympathy for him. Levi is pushed no free from Razor. Hawkins has a shot we go to the review system with the amazing control room, for such a neat looking system its amazing how many times that fuck it up Point haha.BT says something smart telling the cats top move on. Shag marks on the cats goal line, thats crucial. Bruce says the cats don/t know whose on their team. Hawkins kicks to a bloke on the line and score 20-7. BT claims there is a lot at stake in this game. Uh like jackpot night for the quiz at the Bala, there was a lot at stake than id say this is slightly more higher stakes. Cats miss a sitter, Fred did his Chewy on ya boot, thanks to Rose for that. Cats ave a shot it looks like its gonna be a goal BT says don/t drag him after he kicks it. He misses you can drag him now for that pissweak effort.  Bruce says they/ve turned the corner despite butchering the ball you fucking idiot. Fred asks why the umps are wearing Sex Pistols shirts cats ave a shot another shit kick Moore punches Gooster is hit throw in. Adams free for grabbing the throat. Yeah fair enough. Brownlow and Selwood ave words, after a pause Richo says gee id like to hear that conversation. Cunt Carey says its so easy to turn the ball over and sling to the other end. You think? Richo comes up again saying the cats are in this contest. Dole Cheque to Sidie runs 15 out Find Billy three metres out he wants to pass but comes to his scenes 46-8. Col enters. The cats ave one more push up forward but Howe stops it.

Quarter Times

Pies 26

Cats 8

Jackie gives me some tapes, thanks love, great section with You Am I, Neil Young and NWA. Owen brings up what he calls the bad bet which I call the good bet. Owen claimed neither the pies or Tigers would make the final, to which I disagreed. So if one teams makes the final I get a shot if none make it Owen gets a shot. He wants to make a * to the bet. If both teams make it I get two shots. No other change to the bet. I agree to these terms to which Waz approves. Jo kindly gives me her chips. Ok focus the game is on. Samurai marks kicks to Matrix Krebs Pamela to Sidie marks Pamela cant mark hold Howe has a run from 50 goal of the night 23-9. Krbs free cats 50 Samurai Shag Sidie 60 out cats punch it over. Shag to Matrix Noble is cut off BT says cats need to win for fuck sake. And the pies don/t? Fred enters with 3D glasses Sidie marks Speedboy Howe again but is rushed over 33-9. Crisp Fred says Chip pass to which we eat a chip cats rush over ump calls deliberate haha Gooster on a tight angle misses up by 25. Levi takes an amazing backwards mark in cats 50 BT says cats need to address this. Samurai to Crisp Billy Brownlow Adams 15 out 40-9. Mark says he isn/t gonna cha cha cha as he abstained until the third goal and when he did the cats got the next. Cats dropped the ball but not paid but we get paid for holding, and again Fuck off Razor. Anyway kick gets what it deserves hits the post. BT says Cats need to react. Howe tops Levi with his own backwards mark. Levi and the hyphen ave four kicks to cover a grand total of 20 meters. Billys the target but cant hold on. But hits the cats and given a free for dropping. Shit kick leads to on the full. Shag intercepts the kick from the cats Krebs to Pamela Hyphen grabbed but puts boot to ball amazing goal 46-10. We go round the table but Fred pulls me up as we forgot to Hi 5. Owen wants in but Pete shuts that down. Cats go 50 BT says they can get something out of this. Anyway they get a goal and BT loses it is if they are killing us when its their second goal of the game, he claims they got it just in the nick of time. I break the seal, DD gives a free away he moans again. Cats go 50 BT says good movement. Bruce says so many battles tonight, yeah like me to not smash the telly listening to you daft cunts. Cats get another Bruce says they made a move. Seriously im sure Bruce is a nice guy but he just comes across like a silly fool here. Cats go 50 again and that leads to the main smoko.

Half Time

Pies 47

Cats 28

HT break sees me and Pete talk the Ashes Smith what a legend the best batsmen in my lifetime or maybe anyones. I don/t think hed be a bloke id buy a beer for but what a champion the man is a machine, very few compare to him. Chief Dunstall looks old with his jacket, Jo says we/re gonna win yup shes calling it.

Moore gets a free kicks to Noble has a run around in the Cats 50 finds Wills Brownlow Sidie Pamela beaten in the Pies 50. Adams has a shot touched on the mark rushed over 48-29. DD marks Bruce claims thats so important. Sidie to Dole Cheque plays on Cats pin him, BT says Cats need to ave a go. He follows up saying now what? Uh kick it? Brownlow to Wills Krebs holds the ball up Matrix held Sidie plays on brilliant goal 55-29.Cats get one straightaway and on Cue BT Says there back. We the discuss the grand final entertainment. Pete suggests the Loaf and Lionel Ritchie. I like that, I say go song for song. I add a suggestion, I want them on the Batmobel, with Angry Anderson driving, not singing. Ten minutes Later I tell Pete I also want Joe Dolce singing shut up in your face with the words changes. Whats a matter you GIL sounds good. Jackie says I just wanna dance on the sealing. Hey why not I did in 2010. Pies go forward Billy taps to Wills taps ball out DD gives a free and again he crys hahaSo does Ablett, wheres your messiah now Ablett? Mark says next goal is important. Richo says switch which leads to me and Fred singing Pay Your Rates by the Fall. Daisy is finally allowed to say something which Bruce says good point probably the only good point of the night. Pamela to Matrix from 45 brilliant kick 61-36 Bruce says that was good. BT says a forward loves it when the ball comes down so quickly. Richo agrees. I take this time to use the boys room and its time for a fag.

3 quarter time

Pies 61

Cats 36

Speedboy gets a shot after a free which Cunt Carey says shouldn/t ave been allowed, as if he has any kind of moral compass. Anyway Speedboy misses, some stats come up with Matrix and DD, Bruce thinks Matrix has been better all night. Well goes to show you he aint a complete fool. Dole Cheque pins a cat, great performance from him, clearly nothing good was on telly tonight. And in the fourth quarter ive got the headline act for the Grand Final. On the Batmobile I want Uriah Heep, in a trailer being driven from Shoppingtown to the G. Ok, Gil gimme $10 million i/ll make this happen. Dollhouse has a shot Bruce says he cant afford to miss this. He does haha. DD finally does something and BT claims no one loves getting the ball more than him. Does he ave a radar that he can judge that by? Richo also claims don/t you love a defender that that wins the ball? Well if he doesn/t win the ball he aint a defender hey Richo. Cats get another one which BT calls as if the/ve hit the front in the grand final with 8 seconds to go, when it really keeps em in the game with four minutes to go. He then shows off his math skills by saying they need 2 goals in 3 minutes. Within a minute BT says the cats need two goals Richo says cats need to man up, and Bruce says they need a mark and im done.




After the game Matrix is given a chairing and its none other than Shag that has him on one side. What a champion.  Oh and Matrix is great too. As I said in my mast rant Matrix is the greatest Pies player of my lifetime, hes got another 50 games left in him. A true champion congratulations on a brilliant career so far. Afterwards me Mark Jo Fred and Viv head to the den of sadness, as we discuss Hubert Selby Jr, as well as Dan Warner and Dave Warner. I mention Halt Time at the Football as the greatest football song of all time, and we also bring up the Dave song Wimbledon, which Mark brings up for me the greatest line ever in Oz rock

Björn Borg and Vitas Gerulitis
Don’t come down with serum hepatitis

Ah Dave, he was just a suburban boy.

Well, great result topping the top of the table team. The story for me was Krebs holding G Ablett to nothing and the brilliance of Moore and Howe in the backline, Moore in particular in the last quarter. However we won by only ten points against a Geelong side where Ablett Hawkins and Selwood did bugger all, if one of em had fired it could ave been the difference. Still a win over the top side and a week off nothing to sneeze at. Richmond are the form team and are gonna be hard to beat and looked very impressive against Brisbane. I cant see the Giants going beyond next week but I think its pretty open amongst the other five teams.

Anyway thanks for reading see ya in two weeks for the prelim rant.

Onya and GO PIES

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