Munsters Footy Rant Round 7 vs Brisbane


Both teams are desperate for a win today. The Pies, aving an easy draw for the second half of the year need to win games early on if they are to be contenders. Last year we had a decent second half of the season but was all pissed away after an awful start. They cant afford that this year. And the Lions, well they just want to win a game. How desperately? The other night I took a piss in the toilets out the back of the Vineyard, I also needed a fag but had no lighter. There was a lighter standing up, upside down in the toilet bowl. I was centimetres away from picking it up and lighting up but controlled myself. So yeah id say Lions fans are that desperate for a win like I was Thursday night. Before the game im at a place on Acland St ive never been to and ave no desire to return to where im sitting with Chrisi and Bill. Chrisi asks me if ive pulled myself to the Dane Swan sex tape yet. I say as if I need to see that to do that . I arrive at the office (The Balaclava) twenty minute before the bounce and im trying to find me mate Bernie. I ask the barman that I call mate cause I never remember his name if hes seen Bennie. He asks who? I said seen a bloke with one leg? He points to the window. Bernies one of the nicest and most generous, and also most talented and driven people ive ever met. Hes also possibly the most one eyed Pies fan I know. Ive always got time for him and great to see him at the Bala for the first time. We sit in the public bar for the pregame talk. Bern and I discuss the bumps from last weeks loss, how its seemed one rule for the Tigers and another for us. Since the Pies are playing at the GABBA Bernie tells the story of how he went to the GABBA when the Bears first formed, told me there was fuck all people so he sat in the social club, he told me they had a raffle, why is there no raffles at the G before the game ? I want that brought back. He tells me he won and the prize was a footy, and the irony of a footy being won by the only person with one leg. Bernie predicts Sidebottom, or just Bottom as he calls him to win the Brownlow and how Dusty only has a run and don/t argue bout him. Bern informs me the way to stop him is to grab his thumbs like the do in Kung Fu and twist em back and snap him. I hope Nick Maxwell is reading this and takes that onboard when we play them again this year.

Its game time. The first four minutes are a comedy of errors on both sides. So much piss farting round its aint elite football im watching here. Cox gives away a silly free, which leads to the Lions scoring first blood, Bernie calms me down and says we just need time to groove into the game. Brownlow does a great over the shoulder handball to Cox, and fuck me dead Mayne has gotten another game. Bern calls him Sideshow Bob, I remember when Fev had that stooped haircut I called him the Shag. Im bring it back and Mayne will from now on be referred to that.  Matrix goals and the Pies hit the lead 7 to 6. Howe has taken plenty of marks but hes yet to get an efficient kick. At this point Pete and Gordon come in and we now ave a quorum, and I don/t believe it the Shag goals and we/re on our way. Beams is aving a shot Bernie hopes he kicks outta bounce. I loved Beamsy when he was at the Pies, but he left for family reasons and I cant begrudge a bloke for that. Errol marks in the Lions 50 but the disposal aint great and Lions get a cheap goal. The coaches clearly didn/t get my message of kill kill kill.  The pies get one back close the quarter time to give us some breathing space, but certainly not a comfortable lead. The Lions aint gonna be pushovers today. Pete demands Razor Ray back. Given some of the calls so far I do too (never thought id live to say that). Luke Hodge moans, hes like Ric Flair. No not the Nature Boy, I meant one of the dirtiest players in the game so I got no sympathy for him.

Quarter time Pies up 26-18

As always during the break I duck out the front for a fag. I walk in and I see Brownlow has goaled, 17 second into the restart. As im writing these notes the Gooster also gaols. We/re on fire The smallest man in football is doing a lot of up and under stuff and really throwing himself round. My dad told me earlier in the day its amazing hes still held his spot the whole time. Not that hes shits, hes one of those blokes that I figured others would ave gone past him but hes one of the few Premiership players in the team. Onya wee man. Anyway Lions goal and im screaming kill kill kill as the margin is two points in a flash as the lions put on three unanswered. We cut to Bucks in the box and for a change of pace he aint happy. Pete points out theres no intensity, I think the pies expected the four points, they aint showing respect to their opponents hence the Lions are only a ick away from taking the lead. Thomas goaled to make us breathe easy. It amazes me him and Keefe missed two seasons of football while the bombers only got one. It aint right. Fuck you Hird, and also fuck you Danny Frawley who said we should rally and get behind Bomber Thompson. No sympathy here. A free is given to us for too high as Bernie pints out it’s a Hodge special. Lions score again and that takes us to the break.

Half Times Pies 63 Lions 60

As mentioned I think most people expected the Pies to get the points. Im still sure we will win but the lions ave certainly played their best game all year and the Pies are off guard. Need to make a statement this quarter

The third gets off to a bad start when Murray runs too far and gets pinned for holding the ball. Not even Auskick kids get pinned for that. I want him dragged for that and delisted and drafted to the Dingley Dingos. Or maybe just a Buck Spray. The Lions kick a point, and its pointed its their first point of the game. They kicked ten straight before a minor was lodged on the board. The Pies ave only kicked three points, a strangely accurate game so far. But mind you, you would kick ten goals when there mostly being kicked from the goal square.. Phillips gaols but almost straight after a bullshit out on the full results in a Lions goal and its a two point game. But the Gooster goals and its back to 8. I think what he did at the start of the season earned him a title of being a shit bloke, and I was disappointed he was brought back so soon, but hes been great since he came back. He can be as good as Swanny if he keeps his head down. Hopefully the suspension at seasons start was the foot up the arse he needed so badly.  After the restart Crocker kicks to Hodge and Bucks cant believe it. He was standing by himself, not even a one on one contest. Flog. Another six pointer to the Gooster and its now ten points. Cox takes a great mark but I sigh as hes out of his range, bout 45 out but he shuts me up and its now 15. I LOVE BIG COX in case I aint said that yet. . Zorko for the lions has been called the magnificent by Bernie. We all wish hed disappear. And he finally misses one. Trav Varco gets his first major and looks like  the pies are gonna run away with this, they cut to a Lions player that needs a haircut. But the Lions aint lying down and ave an answer for everything we throw at em. A few quick goals and its now two points in it. A shit kick by Crispy to a Lions player sums up the frustrations by the Pies. But a late goal by Stephenson give us a 8 point lead going into the final break. Hes had a great season and will win the Rising Start for my money.

Going into the final quarter, a bloke I ave no idea what hes purpose is, Dwayne Russel is on the tv, it flashes he played 50 games for Geelong  Wow. As far as play by play commentators go don/t know another that is more universally panned. Hes just awful. FOX FOOTY has so much clutter on their list. I aint big on Gary Lyon either. The Hyphen lobs it into the 50, that aint the Collingwood style. Back and forward play there as the Samurai kicks inside 50 and a beautiful mark by the Gooster makes it 14 points, and does the first to 100 rule apply now as we/ve reached the ton first. A great passage of play is ruined by a Murray kick and within a piss break the balls is at the Lions end but they score a poster. We run up the other end and the Hyphen goals and its 19. Sidie kicks what we call a crucial point to male it 20.The lions are awarded a tripping free kick even though he dropped the fucking ball. And its back to 14. Bernie remains calm and says we/ll win and we/re going for percentage. Fucking Zorko is back, hes played great. Dwayne Russel calls him the Magnificent, the prick stole Bernies name and the magic guy goals. All of a sudden its a three point game with not much more to go the Lions chip away and score a point, Pascie walks in to open his mouth but Pete beats him to it and says SHUT UP and thats the last we see of Pascie and within that times its a one point game. With five minutes to go. Somehow we get the ball up the other end and a great mark by the Gooster and hes got his fifth and its the pies by seven. The Shag gets a touch and hes been alright this week. Hope he gets another game. The lions kick a point and Beams goals. DRAW. We/re on the edge of our seat. The lions take it up their end but thankfully its out on the full. But the other end the Shag gets a crucial point. The Shag has earned his 2 million with that point. Then Stephens scores PIES BY SEVEN. After the restart we get a free and its game over.

What a hard fought win, I don/t think anyone expected the Lions to play as hard and unforgiving as they did. We made mistakes and they made us pay. If we play like that against the Cats we could be in trouble. Despite the big loss the week beeofre we played much better the week before.  The last few years inconsistency has been a major issue for the Pies. With a pretty decent list on the field the Pies should ave had it wrapped up by the third quarter.  We need to lift for next week. After the game me and Bernie chat some more but as soon as we see Danny Frawley stoopid face we leave. Hes wearing some kind of hat. Can someone in power please tell him hes not funny. I push on to the Dogs and am greeting by more Collingwood quorum in Fred, Rob (wearing a beautiful black shirt with white dots), John and Richard who is playing for the Collingwood wheelchair footy team. They had a win so top day all round for the Pies. Elizabeth has a great new haircut and army hat I feel the need to salute everytime I see her.  GG is there but still no glasses, but he asks the question has there been a better song written since My Pal. Maybe I Stand Bare by the powder Monkeys but would be a short list. Penny, Jeff and Brett are here, and also Bernie with two legs is here. Like Bernie 1, I always ave time for him.  Fred also tells me of a book involving a bunch of dying people in hospital in communist Russia talking one at a time. He informs me its not a comedy.

So I think I ave a sign off line, im Matt Ryan, I aint much but at least I aint Danny Frawley. I/ll work on that


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