Course we do : ROUND 3 : PIES 100 – SCUM 76
After having to endure last year’s horrible outing on our proud 125 year anniversary loss against the blue scum . I was pumped for our proud Kings of Collingwood to towel up the princes park posers. Being there home game we had to listen to their pre game drivel coming from Percy ” Piss Pot” Jones , who tried to string some coherent words together for as a variety of Lygon St urban lice formed in this moustache. His Moustache looked so old that it should have given its own superannuation statement.
I had spoken to our great retired Collingwood star Corey Gault via mental telepathy before our great 22 hit the MCG His Words: ” Be Thy wary of the Scum’s forward mosquitoes they will come prepare thy pie fly squatters “
The mystical Gault Assault was correct the blue scum came to play and their mosquitos buzzed around and they looked dangerous even one of our former greats and scalded ex Magpie Daisy Thomas opened proceedings for the scum . The hair on my 3ZK began thinning as I started hearing their dreaded fans behind me banging on early as they piled on a couple , But when they began talking up the athletic prowess of Kade Simpson ????I realized something was drastically wrong with them. Then I saw these people for what they really were they like the vegetable dregs of slow cooker from 1984. and then the PIE Squatting commenced ‘ Flash’ Varcoe set up the great Will – Hoskin Elliot. Chop Reid got up his mal maningas and began smashing down sausage rolls like he had just robbed a ” Hot Stuff ” truck . But it was the rookie survivor and former Uber driver the great Josh Thomas who did the damage with his 5 custard rolls and sent the navy scum fans behind me into a state of three depressed librarians and sad jaw overhang as old bits of carrot and oatmeal hung from their mouths. The Great Skipper Scotty Pendlebury towelled up Patrick Cripps and of course the man with the greatest name in civilisation Steele ” Rusty” Sidebottom summoned his inner Daicos and made the the MCG shake with Magpie chaos.
” SIDEY’S in the park , Sidey’s in the park , Sidey’s in the Park at midnight He’s dancing around the G he’s on a Pigskin Spree, He’s slapping around the blue’s at midnight SSSIIIIDDDDEEEEY” – Thank you to Fred and the Twits.
We got 40 points up and we gave them a few free peanut goals towards the end . Fortuantely Sav Rocca has taught Levi Casboult to kick straight when the game is lost, it shows he still really is a Pie at heart.
Other honourable notable mentions for the evening was the great Murray Cod, King Kong Grundy and our Noble Park Albino Adam Treloar and rowdy’s great lad Callum Brown. After a tough two weeks at the office and still an undermanned side, nothing better than opening the year’s account at the Navy Blue scum’s expense. Percy Jones was seen in a state of collapse along with the people behind me in a slow vegetable cooker to keep warm.
P.S. Marc Murphy looks like a sooky reindeer.
COREY GAULT: Swan Districts Magpies Round 3 : 9 kicks 3 handballs 12 disposal 6 noah’s arks 14 Hittites
2. NEVER DID THE MAGPIE LAUGH SO MUCH THAN THE TIME HE SPENT WITH THE CROWS. ROUND 4 MAGPIES 106 – CROWS 58
After dominating these Marmalade Mongrels at Football Park for over 6000 years under the great Mick Malthouse and the cheeky Alan Didak taunting their fans. The new Adelaide Oval had not been a pleasant hunting ground for us against either Adelaide mob. But after hearing these idiots had been playing the Richmond theme song as a form of torture for there grand final loss over in a summer training camp in the backyard of Malcolm Blight’s arse cheeks, one had to laugh at the gross stupidity of these chardonnay drinking leeches. At last we got back the great Jordy De Goey but lost Taylor Made Adams to injury , We made for our spelling mistakes on last weeks banner and made even more , but who cares about spelling? nobody rated us in the city of churches , they were going to pour us down the sink like a six pack of West End , but we had other plans ” Twiggy” Stephenson our number 6 draft pick proudly wearing the great 35camped out in the goal square and out ran all the Adelaide Cows !!!! mmmmooooo!!!!! King Kong Grundy was all over Jacobs like a cheap bag and fruit. The rain poured in to Adelaide like a heap of pins and needles making their fans look even more wet and miserable than they already were. We had 5 sausage rolls on the board by quarter time they only had one and it would only get worse. Jordy De Goey made Taylor Walker check his ” reg grundies” as he squibbed a contest which will be analysed in Magpie Art House Cinema for years to come, some Crow bloke called Richard Douglas the cousin of Michael Douglas’ chin was taught a fishing lesson by the Murray Cod and BIG MASON COX only needed 5 palm offs for him to eat overall me and the old boy enjoyed sweet Magpie lager as we watched our Magpie Kings put the Crows to the sword , One of the great highlights was King Kong Grundy bounding down the wing and bombing a sausage roll from 48 Metres, the sweet taste of Magpie Lager and Laughter. 48 metre kick 48 point win
COREY GAULT Swan Districts Magpies: Round 4: 5 Kicks 6 handbills 11 donuts 4 noah’s ark’s
3. ANZAC DAY: ROUND 5 – MAGPIES 101 BUMMERS 52 – ITS ALL THERE FAULT GODDARD!
After going 0 -2 against the Windy Hill Wallflowers last year, We came into this game with both mobs having knocked the bejesus out of the Adelaide cows and the teal wharfies. My worry was that big goofy dope Joe daniher and if we had the match up for him ? I was hoping Jeremy Howe might come out and take mark of the year over him and leaving him in the fertiliser beneath the MCG. After a beautiful ” Last Post” to all our great diggers, the Bombers started well and who started it bloody Daniher, but i neednt have had to worry the great Murray Cod and Lynden Dunn and the great german sausage Scharenberg held firm down back along with Maynard the mad . Our forwards woke up and the ” Hanky” King Goddard choked his kick and allowed Will Hoskin Elliot to bound into the sausage roll square like a street walking cheetah and off we went. Grundy and the Big American Cowboy feed Treloar , Pendlebury , Pirate Captain Phillips and Peppermint Jack Crisp pounds of sweet Pig Skin. Meanwhile Goddard appointed himself chief tour guide of the bombers complaints department and pointed out everyones mistakes and short comings and slowly depleted team morale a great bloke to have on a sinking tinny would be Brendan. The last half was a beautiful cake walk as we marched all over the squalid Windy Hill sooks. Treloar’s run and carry brillant all day and was a very deserving ANZAC day medalist, also great to see Paul Medhurst grinning in the crowd like the feral kid from Mad Max 2. A great day to be alive as a Magpie fan.
COREY GAULT Swan Districts Magpies Round 5 KICKS 16 HANDBALLS 7 PROPOSALS 23 NOAH’S ARKS 11